Regular Cast

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGInley............Jefferson D'Arcy
Lucky...................Lucky The Dog

Guest Cast

Alan Thicke.............Bruce Wright
Harold Sylvester........Griff
Michael Irpino..........Clerk




ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

Al is sitting on his bed in his flat. He is sporting a huge black eye. Griff and Jefferson stand
near him.

JEFF     Ohh. Oh, Al, that's a beaut.

GRIFF    I haven't seen a shiner that bad since I told my wife she was starting to look like Al
         Roker. 

JEFF     Well, looks like Marcy was right. She said it was only a matter of time before some
         woman beat the holy hell outta ya.

AL       I'll have you know I got this black eye last night explaining to a jealous boyfriend how
         the little lady would rather stay with me. 

JEFF     Well, where is she?

AL       I - I sent her out shopping for a new waterbed. This one has a leak and I worry so when
         she bounces. [ushering Jefferson out] So you just tell Marcy that I'm doing just fine
         with the ladies. That Al Bundy is not only moving in the fast lane, he's doing wheelies
         in it, baby!

Al pushes Jefferson out and shuts the door.

GRIFF    Is that true, Al? About the girl?

AL       Every word of it. Except the guy's name was Sasquatch, the girl left with him and
         there's an odor coming from that waterbed - scares even me.

GRIFF    Are things really that bad?

AL       Yes, things are that bad! Married men can never go back to being single. See, there's
         this gene. It's called The Single Gene. It's in us when we're born. But as soon as we
         marry, it mysteriously disappears. Nobody knows why, but I suspect it's removed
         chromosome by chromosome by our wives.

GRIFF    And how would they go about this?

AL       Do we really know why they own so many tweezers?

GRIFF    So, Al, if they don't like us being single, why do they keep kicking us out of the
         house?

AL       That's part of their cruel tricks. See, without The Single Gene we're helpless. We just
         wander around smelling of Rogaine and gin. Until finally we fall off our toilets and die. 


SCENE TWO

Marcy is shopping in a supermarket. Her cart bumps into Al's cart. 

MARCY    Well, looky here. You know, I would have thought grocery shopping for you would involve
         swinging from trees. 

AL       You know I'd love to stand here and chat with ya, Marce, but I think standing this close 
         to the fryer section would make you a little nervous. So I guess I'll just mosey along.

MARCY    Fine. I was going to talk to you about Peggy, but I guess you wouldn’t really be
         interested anymore...

AL       [somewhat eager] Peg?? Is Peg here?

MARCY    No. She's getting her hair done for a little dinner party that she's throwing tonight.

AL       Oh, Peg is throwing a dinner party. 

MARCY    She has a date with a wealthy, gorgeous man. She asked me to pick out a nice wine for
         her... 

A store worker passes by and Marcy stops him.

MARCY    Oh, excuse me. Do you have a Hardy Bordeaux?

CLERK    Wine is isle four. Just step over Mrs. Bradley.

As he walks off, Al stops him.

AL       Uh, excuse me... I'm spending the evening with a supermodel and [indicates a display
         behind him] are these all the condoms you have?

CLERK    Of course not. I have more in back right next to the reality pills. Let me get them.

He leaves.

MARCY    Well, Al, have fun with your supermodel. Try not to get any paper cuts.  

Marcy trots off, cackling.

AL       Okay, Bullethead. We both know what's going on here. I don't have a date tonight and
         Bonbon Betsy isn't giving any dinner party.

MARCY    Right, Al. Yeah, the truth is is that Peggy was hoping that you could come to dinner
         tonight and tried to talk her out of it, but you know how stubborn she can be... 

AL       [excitedly] Well, how about I get there 'round six? Is that okay? 

MARCY    Perfect. See you at six.

Marcy leaves. Al picks up a packet of condoms and reads from it.

AL       "Ribbed for her pleasure." They're never happy.


SCENE THREE

Back at the Bundy house, Kelly and Bud watch Peggy as she takes a plate of uncooked meat out of
the dishwasher.

PEGGY    [poking at it] Hey, this isn't even warm.

KELLY    Well, we'll help you out, Mom.

BUD      Yeah.

KELLY    I mean, after all we want to make a good impression on Step Daddy... 

BUD      That's right.

PEGGY    [shooing them away] Which you are, since you are currently in Brazil saving the
         rainforest.

KELLY    We are? I hope we meet Sting!

BUD      Mom, why don't you want us to meet this guy?

PEGGY    Same reason you never wanted to bring your dates home to meet me.

KELLY    Step Daddy's a lazy, bonbon-swilling, Oprah-holic?

PEGGY    Do you know how difficult it is for a single working mom to meet a man???

BUD      Uh, wait a minute. Let's see, you don't work, and technically, you're not single. And
         you've never really been much of a mom.

KELLY    Bud, how could you say that? She raised two kids who are about to save the rainforest.
         Hello?

PEGGY    Let me put it this way: either you get out of here, or I'm gonna send you to live with
         your father.

Kelly and Bud have already exited, complete with sound effect.


SCENE FOUR

The dinner party. Peggy, Bruce, Marcy and Jefferson sit at the Bundy's table.

PEGGY    So, would anybody like some more potato salad?

She holds up her potato salad effort - raw, unpeeled potatoes in a bowl of lettuce. The others
politely decline.

PEGGY    Well, I... I hope you're all enjoying your meal.

BRUCE    I've been enjoying this bite for half an hour.

JEFF     [forcing a smile] Um, what is this delightful crunchy coating?

PEGGY    Well, that's rust from the pan. You know, iron is really good for ya. Hope you saved
         room for dessert!

As Peggy gets up and moves into the kitchen, the other three quickly spit out their mouthfuls. 
Jefferson gives his piece of potato to Lucky, who tries to eat it, but nudges it away instead.

JEFF     Oh God, I wonder what dessert's gonna be. Phlegm-brule?

MARCY    I'll go find out. Bruce, why don't you tell Jefferson about those car dealerships you
         own? [to Jefferson, quietly] Suck up to him, honey, it could mean a job.

Marcy goes into the kitchen. Jefferson looks worried.

BRUCE    Have you heard about the new Korean car? It's got a sun young moon roof. [he laughs at
         his own joke] Rich and funny. God, I'm a catch!

Marcy laughs.

MARCY    Oh, he's wonderful, Peggy, he reminds me of Jefferson. Except with his own credit cards.

PEGGY    I know. You know, he is perfect, buuut I just - 

MARCY    Well, if you don't want him, I'll take him.

PEGGY    Well, what about Jefferson?

MARCY    Who's Jefferson?

Bruce starts choking on some of his "food". 

JEFF     Are you, are you alright?

Bruce can't answer, so Jefferson gets up to give him the Heimlich Manoeuvre.

JEFF     Alright, here we go. Up, up, come on, up. 

Jefferson gives him one thrust, but it doesn't work. He tries again and again.
From Peggy and Marcy's point of view, it appears as though Jefferson is humping Bruce.

PEGGY    Wow. Jefferson must really want a job.

One more thrust, and the food finally flies out of Bruce's mouth.

PEGGY    You know, if you didn't like it, you could've just spit it up into your napkin.

BRUCE    No, no, no, that was wonderful, I just that I hate to see you slaving away in the
         kitchen.  From now on we eat out.

PEGGY    Oooh. Can we go to one of those fancy French places?

BRUCE    Oh, my darling, if this year-end Yugo Palooza sale goes as well as I expect, I'll be
         taking you to dine in Paris. Ever made love in the Eiffel Tower?

PEGGY    No, but once I frenched a guy in the Sears Tower.

The doorbell rings. Peggy goes to answer it as Jefferson sits and smokes a cigar.
Peggy opens the door to find Al standing outside, holding some flowers behind his back.

PEGGY    Al, what are you doing here?

MARCY    [with glee] I invited him! Al, I'd like you to meet Peggy's new boyfriend. [Marcy brings 
         Bruce to Peggy and Al] Bruce.

Marcy takes a picture of the three of them.

MARCY    Look, Jefferson, we have our Christmas card!

AL       Gee, Peg... you really have a new boyfriend.

BRUCE    Well, this is an awkward moment. Fortunately, I'm so self-centred it's not going to
         bother me.

AL       Well, uh, me either. Uh... [he drops the flowers outside the door] the only reason I
         accepted Marcy's invitation was an excuse to... see my dog. 

Al walks in, hiding a box of bonbons he has away from Peggy. He sits next to Lucky and pats him.

AL       Hey there, fella. How ya doing there? Hey, look, I brought you some uh, bonbon biscuits
         here... you can't imagine how I miss this guy. Hahaha. [to Jefferson] Didn't he used to
         be bigger?

JEFF     That was Buck.

AL       Ah. [getting up again] Well, uh, goodbye all, gotta be going. Frankly, coming back to
         this house is giving me the willy squidgets.  

MARCY    Well, let me show you out. [giddily] This is the happiest day of my life.

AL       Yeah, no problem.

Al leaves. Marcy follows him.

JEFF     Well, that went well.

AL       [o.s.] Here's some flowers for ya.

Marcy comes back in, spitting out petals.



ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Kelly and Bud are in the living room, dressed in preppy clothes.

KELLY    Oh, I can't believe we finally get to meet Step Daddy. 

BUD      Now, remember, he's gonna be trying to buy our affection, so to really rake it in, I
         suggest we play hard to get.

KELLY    Play what?

BUD      Hard to get. [Kelly shrugs, totally clueless] Ah, it's like when you have a date and
         you decide to wear a bra?

KELLY    Ohhh, right. Okay, baby!

PEGGY    [o.s.] Kids! Bruce'll be here any minute. Now remember, put your best foot forward.

Kelly holds up both of her feet and looks at them.

KELLY    What's she talking about? They look exactly the same.

The doorbell rings. Bud gets up to answer it.

BUD      Now remember, hard to get.

KELLY    [quietly] Hard to get. Right.

Bud straightens his hair and clothes, then opens the door to Bruce. He steps in a shakes Bud's
hand.

BRUCE    Hi, I'm Bruce Wright...

Kelly lunges forward and hugs Bruce.

KELLY    We love you, Step Daddy!!

BUD      [pulling her away] Kelly, Kelly, that's not playing hard to get.

KELLY    It is for me.

BUD      [shaking his hand again] Nice to meet you, Mr. Wright. 

BRUCE    Yeah. I thought you two would be in Brazil saving the rainforest.

KELLY    Oh, well, we had to come because, uh... we forgot our umbrellas. It was like whoa!
         Rainy, you know what I mean...

BUD      Ha ha ha. No, actually, we live here. Ah, you ought to know that Kelly and I are
         extremely protective of our, our dear mother. And we want only the best for her.

BRUCE    Oh me too. That's way I've been thinking that maybe you two should be leaving this
         split-level port-a-potty... and taking responsibility for your own lives. 

Bud and Kelly gasp in horror.

KELLY    He's a wicked Step Daddy!

BUD      Kelly, hug him hard and don't let go until you've got his wallet.

Kelly hugs Bruce and looks quickly for his wallet just as Peggy comes downstairs, also dressed
nicely.

PEGGY    Well, I see you've met my daughter. Are we still dating?

BRUCE    [pushing Kelly away] Yes, of course, yes. But this would make a great Penthouse letter.

Kelly and Bud pull Peggy aside.

KELLY    You have to dump him. 

BUD      Yeah. He's a - he’s a bad man, he's a very bad man.

KELLY    He doesn't like us.

PEGGY    Yeah, well, most people don't. Have you ever thought that it might be you?

BUD      Mom, he's trying to take you away from us!

PEGGY    I know that, and don't you try to stop him.
 
Peggy starts to walk off, but the kids stop her. 

KELLY    Alright, alright, alright... we didn't want to have to tell you this, but... he's a
         woman.

BUD      And - and he... [sadly] he touched me.

Kelly strokes Bud's face.

PEGGY    You wish. Now look, I know that Bruce isn't perfect. He doesn't have your father's
         animal magnetism... or his animal scent... or his hairy knuckles... but what he does
         have is money. Enough to turn me into a lady of leisure.

KELLY    Mom, if you were any more leisurely you'd be unconscious.

PEGGY    Yes, but I'd be unconscious on a suede couch with a big screen TV. [turning around] And
         a maid serving me bonbons, right, Bruce?

BRUCE    [chuckling] Uno memento, pour va vour.

KELLY    [to Bud] I get it now, he's just using Mom to get his green card!

BRUCE    Should you do me the honor of becoming Mrs. Wright, I'm sure you'll wanna know how to
         cook and clean.

PEGGY    Well, why can't I have a maid? You're rich.

BRUCE    And I plan to stay that way. [laughs] I certainly [looking around] don't want to end up
         like this?

PEGGY    Well... what about eating out all around the world?

BRUCE    We can do that while we're courting. But as we say in the car business, "you don't have
         to kiss ass once you close the deal."

PEGGY    And just what makes you think that I wanna "close the deal"?

BRUCE    I just assumed that. I mean, a top of the line model like myself doesn't stay long on
         the showroom floor. And although you are very attractive... we can't turn your odometer
         back.

All three Bundys look offended.

BUD      Excuse me, but nobody speaks to my mother like that.

BRUCE    Yeah, what are you gonna do about it, Junior?

BUD      Kelly.

Kelly walks toward Bruce sweetly, and as he holds his arms out, she kicks him in the leg. Bud
then takes over and punches Bruce and pushes him towards the door, kicking him. Bud runs Bruce
into the door hard before opening it.

BRUCE    [dizzy] If you're in the market for a used car, call me.

BUD      Get outta here, you bum!

Bud shoves Bruce out the door and shuts it, happily. He and Kelly dance around. 
Peggy looks upset.

BUD      And you know what Dad would do if he was here right now? He'd lead us in a Whoa Bundy.

Bud and Kelly prepare their whoa-ing hands, but Peggy suddenly bursts into tears.

PEGGY    [sitting] Yeah, but he's not here, so it's a No Bundy!

Bud and Kelly comfort Peggy.

KELLY    What are you saying, Mom? You miss Dad?

PEGGY    More than words can say!

MONTAGE SEQUENCE

We see clips of Al, then of Peggy & Al, from the following episodes:

Al sits with his hand in his pants from 0509.
Al pushes the car home from 0409.
Al squeezes his stomach from 1106.
Al wraps the phone cord around his neck from 0803.
Al does his football pose from 0613.
Al bends over with Peggy watching from 0509.
Al throws Peggy off his back from 1115.
Peggy brushes Al's teeth and armpits from 0713.
Peggy electrocutes Al from 0220. 
Peggy kicks Al off the top bunk from 1115.
Al rubs Peggy's butt from 0720.
Al uses a remote control on Peggy from 0521.
Al drags Peggy away from 0401.
Al licks and bites Peggy from 0707.


SCENE TWO

As the montage ends, we see Al in his flat, looking lonely. A plane lands, and more debris falls
from the roof. A knock is heard.

AL       [answering it] I told you, technically my rent is not due till after the fifteenth of
         the... [sees Peggy at the door] Hi, Peg.

PEGGY    Hi, Al. Can I come in?

AL       In here? Uh, yeah... just a minute, Peg. Excuse me.

He closes the door, then quickly runs around and rubs deodorant on the underarms of his shirt.
He takes a swig of beer, gargles, then spits it out into a trophy. He then lets Peggy in. 

AL       Come in. Sorry the, uh... place in a little bit of a mess here, but uh, well... I - I
         live here. 

PEGGY    Oh, that's okay. You know, I just came over to um... uhh... talk about the kids.

AL       Oh. Yeah, sorry, Peg. I'd take the kids off your hands but the manager here says that he
         won't allow pets or kids and Bud and Kelly fall in there somewhere.  

PEGGY    Oh, it's not that, it's just that uh... Well, you know, I'm worried about Bud. He's been
         getting into a lot of fights lately, and, and I thought you should know about that.

AL       Well, I certainly should. I am still the boy's father, and if he's getting in fights
         then I should be there to congratulate him. I'll stop over tomorrow right after work. 

PEGGY    Oh. Okay. So, uh, how is work? [sits]

AL       Oh, you know... can't complain.

PEGGY    Well, you can try. You know, the kids and I kind of miss your little shoe stories.

AL       [sitting next to her] Well, there, uh, there was this woman who came in the store today,
         tried on every black high heel we had in stock and then told us she was just browsing.
         So, just as she was leaving, someone plugged her right in the ass with a 7EEE clog.
         Don't know who!

PEGGY    [edging closer to him] Someone who could rifle a football forty yards down field I'll
         bet!

AL       Could be!

They laugh.

AL       So, how's things with you, Peg?

PEGGY    Oh, pretty good. Marcy sends her hate.

AL       Marcy, huh? Amazing amount of spunk for a stick figure.

PEGGY    Oh, you know what, Al? I brought you something [gets a TV Guide out of her purse] See?
         It has your name right on the label.

AL       [reading] "A. Bundy". You bought me my own TV Guide!

PEGGY    Well, you know, we have been married for twenty-five years. Since you were eighteen and
         I was uh... nine.

AL       Yeah. Boy, we had some good times, didn't we, Peg? [thinks] Didn't we?

PEGGY    Gee, I haven't given it much thought. Probably. Well... I guess I better be going. Oh,
         what am I thinking? I don't have a ride. Kelly and her date dropped me off.

AL       Oh, well, I... I s'pose I could give you a ride.

PEGGY    Well, if it wouldn't be too much trouble?

AL       No, no trouble.


SCENE THREE

In the car. Al and Peggy have stopped somewhere. 

AL       Well, Peg, here we are.

PEGGY    "Here we are" where?

AL       Come on, Peg! Don't you remember Maple Lane? And the Maple tree on Maple lane??

PEGGY    Oh, Al... this is where parked the very the first time we...

AL       Yep. The first time we ever had a fight. I don't remember much about the fight, but I
         sure do remember making up.

PEGGY    Ohhhh. [moves closer to Al] Oh, Al. Since this was our biggest fight ever, will we have
         our biggest make up ever?

AL       You got that right, babe. Just like this car, we're built to last.

Al puts his arm over Peggy and they disappear from view. The dodge then collapses.


THE END