TABLE DRAFT
January 14, 1997


Executive Producer
Pamela Eels

Co-Executive Producer
Russell Marcus

Co-Executive Producers
Vince Cheung
&
Ben Montanio

Produced By
John Anderson

Co-Producer
Michael Greenspon

Consulting Producer
Richard Gurman

Directed by
Mark Samuels

Written by
Matthew Berry
&
Eric Abrams

SHOW: 1116
TAPE: 1/17/97
AIR: 2/10/97


CAST

AL BUNDY............ED O'NEILL
PEGGY BUNDY.........KATEY SAGAL
MARCY D'ARCY........AMANDA BEARSE
KELLY BUNDY.........CHRISTINA APPLEGATE
BUD BUNDY...........DAVID FAUSTINO
JEFFERSON D'ARCY....TED McGINLEY
LUCKY, THE DOG......LUCKY, THE DOG
GRIFF...............HAROLD SYLVESTER
NANCY...............
HEATHER.............
DR. H. LONGO........
REFEREE.............


COLD OPEN

FADE IN:

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - EARLY EVENING

(PEGGY IS DRESSED UP AND IS PUTTING THE FINISHING TOUCHES ON A PLATTER OF CHEESE WHIZ AND
 TWINKEES. AL ENTERS FROM UPSTAIRS)

AL      Why are we doing this, Peg? The last time we had people over, it was a disaster.

PEGGY   That was our wedding.

AL      I rest my case. (BEAT) Give me one good reason why I should go through with this.

PEGGY   I won't make you have sex for the rest of the month.

(THE DOORBELL RINGS)

SFX: DOORBELL RING

(AL CROSSES TO THE DOOR)

AL      Just my luck. A month without sex and it's February. I'm tacking on two extra days, Peg.

(AL OPENS THE DOOR REVEALING MARCY AND JEFFERSON. MARCY HAS A BOWL AND A BOARD GAME)

MARCY   Hi! I brought shrimpballs!

AL      (OFF JEFFERSON) I can see that, but what's in the casserole?

JEFF    I always feel so welcome when I come into this house.

AL      That's funny. I don't.

(MARCY CROSSES TO THE KITCHEN)

PEGGY   Ooh, shrimpballs. They'll go beautifully with the ketchup I'm serving.

(SHE SQUIRTS ANOTHER PACKETS OF KETCHUP INTO A BOWL)

MARCY   Ooh, someone's been watching Martha Stewart.

(THE DOORBELL RINGS)

SFX: DOORBELL RING

(AL OPENS THE DOOR, REVEALING GRIFF AND HIS DATE, NANCY)

GRIFF   Hi, guys.

AL      Hey, Griff. Where's Thelma?

GRIFF   Oh, she dumped me. But I met Nancy at the ninety-nine cents store.

(NANCY, AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN WEARING A UNIFORM THAT SAYS "99 CENTS" ON IT, WALKS IN)

GRIFF   I was picking up a hostess gift for your party.

(GRIFF HANDS HIS PURCHASE TO AL)

AL      Lysol. How thoughtful.

JEFF    I see you've partied here before.

AL      Nice to meet you, Nancy. So, you're a checker?

NANCY   (CROSSING HER FINGERS) Not yet.

(SHE CROSSES INTO THE KITCHEN TO HELP THE WOMEN)

JEFF    Not bad, Griff. Way to get right back on the horse.

AL      And he would know.

(THE GUYS LAUGH. MARCY, PEGGY AND NANCY COME OVER FROM THE KITCHEN)

MARCY   Okay, who's up for some Passion?

AL      If she takes her clothes off, I'm outta here.

MARCY   It's a party game, you idiot.

(MARCY BEGINS SETTING UP THE GAME)

PEGGY   It test how much you know about the person you love most.

AL      Sounds fun. Come on, Griff, we're a team.

(ON PEGGY'S EXPRESSION WE)

FADE OUT

END OF COLD OPEN


ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. JIM'S GYM - THAT NIGHT

(KELLY IS ON A STAIRMASTER, EXHAUSTED. BUD STANDS NEXT TO HER, HOLDING A SCRIPT AND EATING A
 HOAGIE)

KELLY   Bud, I've been climbing these stairs for an hour, and I'm not getting any higher. I want
        to come down.

BUD     All right, but it'll take you another hour.

KELLY   Will not. It's quicker downhill.

(SHE TURNS AROUND, FACES THE OTHER DIRECTION, AND CONTINUES WALKING ON THE MACHINE)

BUD     Look, Kelly, this chick-boxing movie could be your big break. You gotta get in shape. Now 
        let's run some lines.

(BUD FINISHES THE HOAGIE AND OPENS UP THE SCRIPT, READING)

BUD     "You're crazy, kid. No one can beat Big Mama O'Grady."

KELLY   "Yo, Nicky, I know I can take her. That mother of two is going down."

BUD     "She'll murder you. She's a jungle tigress, and you're just a pussycat."

ANGLE ON: A FEW STAIRMASTERS DOWN

(HEATHER TALRICO, A PRETTY YOUNG ACTRESS CUT FROM THE SAME CLOTH AS KELLY, IS RUNNING THE SAME
 LINES)

KELLY   "Well, let me tell you something about this cat."
HEATHER "Well, let me tell you something about this cat."

(KELLY AND HEATHER STOP AND LOOK AT EACH OTHER)

KELLY	"She has claws!"
HEATHER	"She has claws!"

ANGLE ON: KELLY AND BUD

KELLY   (TO BUD) Wow. Two movies about female boxing and all the words are the same. That's
        incredible.

BUD     No, what's incredible is that you remember to breathe.

(KELLY CHECKS HER BREATHING AND TAKES A FEW DEEP BREATHS)

BUD     Kelly, she's probably up for the same role.

(KELLY SEES THAT HEATHER IS WALKING OVER)

KELLY   I should've known. That bitch Heather Talrico is always stealing my parts.

BUD     She could have mine for free.

KELLY   You don't think she's pretty, do you?

BUD     Just in an "I'd kill to have sex with her" kind of way.

(HEATHER WALKS UP TO THEM)

HEATHER Well, well, if it isn't the little bimbo that couldn't.

KELLY   Well, if it isn't the human thighmaster.

HEATHER You know what, Bundy? I'd love to shut that black hole you call a mouth.

KELLY   With what? That planet you call an ass?

BUD     Ladies, enough fighting. (TO KELLY) You have to practice your boxing.

KELLY   I'd like to practice on her face.

HEATHER Oh, you want a piece of me?

KELLY   There's an exclusive club.

BUD     One I'd like to join.

KELLY   Let's settle this once and for all, skank.

HEATHER Okay, but I'm not falling for the old "meet me in the alley for a surprise" trick.

KELLY   There's a first. I'm talking about you and me duking it out in the big square.

BUD     You mean the ring.

KELLY   No. Rings are what Heather has under her eyes.

HEATHER You're on, frat house toy.

KELLY   Loser drops out of the movie.

HEATHER Deal. Be here Sunday. Four sharp.

KELLY   Oooh, can't. That's when I get my manicure from Mateo.

HEATHER Don't you just love him?

(THE GIRLS AD-LIB EXCITEMENT. BUD STEPS IN)

BUD     Break it up, ladies. Save it for Sunday.

HEATHER You're going to wind up flat on your back counting stars.

KELLY   Oh, like your last trip to Hollywood.

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - A LITTLE LATER THAT NIGHT

(AL, PEGGY, MARCY, JEFFERSON, GRIFF, AND NANCY HAVE BEEN PLAYING FOR A WHILE. WE SEE THAT MARCY
 AND JEFFERSON ARE IN THE LEAD. GRIFF AND NANCY ARE SECOND, AND AL AND PEGGY HAVEN'T MOVED)

JEFF    ...Marcy's favorite song is "You Light Up My Life".

(MARCY HOLDS UP A CARD THAT READS "YOU LIGHT UP MY LIFE")

MARCY   You light up my life, Jefferson.

(THEY CUDDLE. MARCY MOVES HER GAME PIECE TWO SPACES)

JEFF    Look, lovebug, we're about to move from first kiss to eternal bliss.

(THEY MAKE KISS NOISES AT EACH OTHER)

AL      And I'm about to go from up to chuck.

PEGGY   Al, we're getting our butts kicked. We're still on "First Date Drive".

AL      Oh, and I suppose it's my fault your favorite color isn't gray?

JEFF    Griff, what is Nancy's idea of a perfect romantic evening?

GRIFF   Of course we just met, so I'm guessing here. But I'll say a pepperoni pizza, a footrub,
        and a pile of Kung Fu movies.

(NANCY HOLDS UP A CARD SAYING EXACTLY THAT)

NANCY   (LOVEY-DOVEY) It's like we're joined together as one.

GRIFF   Hold that thought.

(NANCY HUGS GRIFF AS HE MOVES THEIR GAME PIECE UP A FEW SPACES)

MARCY   Al, what is Peggy's favorite movie?

AL      "The Great Escape"?

PEGGY   That's your favorite movie.

AL      Gee, I wonder why?

(PEGGY SHOWS HIM HER CARD WHICH READS "VIVA LAS VEGAS." SHE THEN HITS HIM WITH IT)

GRIFF   Jefferson, what was Marcy's childhood dream?

JEFF    My princess wanted to be a princess.

(MARCY'S CARD READS, "PRINCESS MARCY." SHE MOVES HER PIECE UP AND KISSES JEFFERSON)

GRIFF   I bet Nancy's dream was to be Mrs. Jimmy "J. J." Walker.

NANCY   Dy-no-mite!

(SHE HOLDS UP HER CARD. SHE AND GRIFF KISS)

PEGGY   Come on, Al, use that beer sponge you call a brain.

AL      Well, since "sucking the life out of my husband and leaving him an empty husk" was too
        long to fit on the card, I'll say a cowgirl.

PEGGY   (ANNOYED) Try again.

AL      A cow?

PEGGY   How many times have I told you? When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a ballerina.

AL      A ballerina? The only time you're on your toes is when the bon-bons are on the top shelf.

(AL LAUGHS)

JEFF    Oooh, Al. Laughing at your soul mate's childhood dream. Go back two spaces.

(HE TAKES AL'S PIECE AND MOVES IT BACK TWO SPACES, OFF THE BOARD, AND ONTO THE TABLE)

PEGGY   Nice going, Al. Now we're not even on the board.

GRIFF   Okay, Al, here's an easy one for ya. When is Peg's birthday?

AL      (SWEATING) Okay. I know it's one of the cold months...

NANCY   (TO GRIFF) How long have they been married?

AL      (PANICKING) One question at a time. (OFF PEGGY'S GLARE) Can I have a hint?

PEGGY   Get it, or you'll wish you were never born.

AL      Good hint. Okay, I know this. It's Jaaann...

(HE CHECKS PEGGY FOR A RESPONSE AND DOESN'T GET ONE)

AL      Feebb..., Maarrr-cey, would you like another drink?

MARCY   No, thanks. I'd rather stay here and watch you sweat.

AL      Okay, I'm going to say... (HOPING HARD) April twelfth.

PEGGY   (ANGRY) May twelfth.

AL      (PLEASED) Hey, for a shot in the dark, that was pretty damn close.

PEGGY   I can't believe you! You don't know my favorite color, my birthday... you didn't even
        remember what I was wearing when we first met. Even Griff knew what Nancy was wearing.

AL      Of course he knew, Peg. She's still wearing it. 

PEGGY   How is it you know the ninth play of your state championship game...

AL      (REFLEXIVELY) Off-tackle run up the middle on two.

PEGGY   And yet you haven't known one thing about me all night?

AL      I knew your name was Peg.

PEGGY   That wasn't a question. You were filling out a scorecard.

AL      This is a stupid game.

PEGGY   No. What's stupid is that I've spent twenty-five years of my life with a man who
        obviously doesn't care about me.

AL      Peg, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it to be obvious.

(PEGGY SHOVES THE GAME OFF THE TABLE AND STORMS OFF. THERE'S AN AWKWARD SILENCE)

JEFF    So we won right?

(MARCY PINCHES HIM)

JEFF    Ow!

(EVERYONE STARTS TO LEAVE)

AL      Come on, guys. Peg's not really mad. Right, Peg?

(A SHOE HURTLES THROUGH THE AIR, EMBEDDING ITSELF IN AL'S FOREHEAD)

SFX: A SHOE HURTLES THROUGH THE AIR AND EMBEDS ITSELF IN AL'S HEAD

AL      See? This is why we don't entertain.

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - EARLY MORNING

(BUD IS STANDING BY THE FRONT DOOR, WEARING A COACH'S OUTFIT WITH A WHISTLE AROUND HIS NECK.
 KELLY ENTERS, WEARING A SEXY OUTFIT. SHE DOESN'T SEE BUD AND STARTS TO TIP-TOE UP THE STAIRS. HE
 BLOWS THE WHISTLE, STARTLING HER)

BUD     Where have you been? It's five a.m.

KELLY   I was running.

BUD     From who, the Governor's wife? Kelly, I told you, you can't have sex before a fight.

KELLY   Oh, sorry. I thought you said during.

BUD     Kelly, this is an important role for you. If you want to beat Heather, you've got to
        train.

KELLY   Relax. I can take her with both hands tied behind my back. Just like I took the Governor.

(WE HEAR "EYE OF THE TIGER" AS WE CUT TO A SERIES OF FLIPS)

MUSIC CUE: "EYE OF THE TIGER"

FLIP TO:

(BUD AND KELLY IN THE KITCHEN. BUD HANDS HER EGGS. SHE PUTS THE UNCRACKED EGGS IN A GLASS AND
 ATTEMPTS TO DRINK THEM. BUD SHAKES HIS HEAD)

FLIP TO:

(TIGHT ON KELLY DOING SIT-UPS. REVEAL BUD HOLDING A PICTURE OF A HANDSOME STUD. KELLY SPRINGS UP
 TO KISS IT)

FLIP TO:

(KELLY HITTING BUD'S BLOW-UP DOLL LIKE A HEAVY BAG. HEATHER'S PICTURE IS TAPED TO THE DOLL'S
 HEAD)

FLIP TO:

(CLOSE ON KELLY SKIPPING ROPE IN A REVEALING OUTFIT. WIDEN TO REVEAL THE ROPE IS TIED TO THE
 DOORKNOB AND BUD IS HOLDING THE OTHER END. THERE'S A BUNCH OF TEN-YEAR-OLD BOY EXTRAS IN A LINE.
 BUD HANDS THE ROPE TO A BOY WHO GIVES HIM A QUARTER)

FLIP TO:

(BUD AND KELLY SPARRING. THE MUSIC ENDS)

MUSIC CUE: "EYE OF THE TIGER" OUT

BUD     Come on, Bundy. That's all you got? You hit like one of my dates.

(AL ENTERS HOLDING A BIG BOX WITH A RIBBON ON IT)

AL      Kids, no fighting in the house. That's your mother's and my job.

KELLY   Bud's helping me train for a fight.

AL      Pumpkin, you shouldn't box. It can cause brain damage.

(AL AND BUD LOOK AT EACH OTHER)

AL      (REALIZING) Oh, right. Let me show you the famous Bundy Combo.

BUD     Moldy salami on two stale pop tarts?

AL      No, that's the Bundy Special. The Bundy Combo is when you step on your opponent's foot,
        then nail him with an uppercut.

KELLY   You mean like this?

(KELLY STEPS ON BUD'S FOOT AND KNOCKS HIM DOWN)

AL      Good, but put your weight in it. Get up, Bud. Stop fooling around.

(AL PICKS BUD UP OFF THE FLOOR AND HOLDS HIM UP FOR KELLY)

KELLY   I think I got it.

(KELLY DOES THE "BUNDY COMBO" AGAIN AND KNOCKS BUD COLD)

AL      (PROUD) That's my pumpkin.

KELLY   Thanks, Daddy. That was fun.

AL      Just a little something I picked up from the Three Stooges. They have so much to teach
        us.

KELLY   What's in the box?

AL      A present for your mother. We had a fight last night.

KELLY   So what? You guys fight all the time.

AL      Not like this. You know how when you pass our bedroom and hear sobbing? Well, last night
        it wasn't me.

KELLY   I wish I could help, Daddy. But I only know how to break up marriages.

(KELLY DRAGS AN UNCONSCIOUS BUD TO THE BASEMENT AND SHOVES HIM DOWN. KELLY FOLLOWS HIM DOWN)

SFX: BUD BEING PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS

(PEGGY COMES DOWN THE STAIRS. SHE SEES AL, THEN STARTS BACK UP

AL      Pookie. Wait. I got you something.

(SHE STOPS AND SOFTENS. HE HANDS HER THE BOX)

AL      I hope you like it. The saleslady said it's reversible.

(PEGGY TAKES OUT A LEOPARD PRINT DRESS THAT'S REALLY BIG)

AL      (PROUDLY) Not a speck of gray. And see how well it goes with the couch?

PEGGY   (OMINOUS) You think this would fit me?

AL      Yes. No. Maybe. Whatever the right answer is. Come on, Peg. No real guy knows stuff like
        that.

PEGGY   Jefferson knows Marcy's dress size.

AL      That's 'cause he wears them!

PEGGY   You're a horrible husband.

AL      That never bothered you before. I don't know what more I can do. I've apologized. I've
        shopped. Wanna make love? We could put on Michael Bolton...and the lights. I can take it.

PEGGY   No, thank you, I'd rather be alone.

(PEGGY THROWS THE DRESS AT AL AND STORMS UPSTAIRS)

AL      (STUNNED) For twenty-five years I've dreamed of this moment. Why aren't I happy? (BEAT)
        It's just like her to ruin this for me, too.

(ON AL'S WORRIED FACE WE)

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - A FEW DAYS LATER

(AL AND JEFFERSON ARE ON THE COUCH. PEGGY AND MACY ARE AT THE KITCHEN TABLE DRINKING COFFEE.
 PEGGY IS STILL ANGRY)

PEGGY   Doesn't Al understand I just want to spend time with him?

ANGLE ON: AL AND JEFFERSON

AL      Doesn't Peg understand I just want to be left alone.

ANGLE ON: PEGGY

PEGGY   I spend all day cooking, cleaning.

(MARCY GIVES HER A LOOK)

PEGGY   Okay, so I spend most of it ordering and eating, but the point is, I'm always there for
        him. You know, he takes me for granted.

ANGLE ON: AL

AL      You know, she takes me for granted. So what if I don't remember her birthday? Everyday I
        come home to her, sit on that couch, and pretend to listen. I'm totally dependable.

ANGLE ON: PEGGY

PEGGY   He's totally predictable. Everyday, he comes home from work, sits on that couch, and
        ignores me. That's not love.

ANGLE ON: AL

AL      If that's not love, I don't know what is.

ANGLE ON: PEGGY

PEGGY   I deserve more, Marce. What should I do?

MARCY   Leave him! (BEAT) Sorry, I was thinking what I would do. What any sane woman would do.
        (BEAT) Have you thought about seeing someone?

PEGGY   Well, I've had my eye on the UPS guy.

MARCY   I meant you and Al should see a marriage counselor.

PEGGY   Okay, but would I have to tell him about the UPS guy?

MARCY   Peggy, if you really want Al to change, you guys should go for counseling. It really
        works.

ANGLE ON: JEFFERSON

JEFF    It doesn't work. But you don't have to say anything. You just sit there and nod, and they 
        think you're willing to change.

ANGLE ON: MARCY

MARCY   Trust me. Going to counseling will open Al up.

ANGLE on; JEFFERSON

JEFF    Trust me. Going to counseling will shut Peg up.

(AL AND PEGGY LOOK AT EACH OTHER)

AL      Peg...

PEGGY   Al...

AL      I want to go to marriage counseling.
PEGGY   I want to go to marriage counseling.

AL      Wow. We haven't agreed on anything this quick since we spent the kids' college fund.

CUT TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

INT. JIM'S GYM - THAT AFTERNOON

(THERE'S A BOXING RING SET UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GYM. SEVERAL EXTRAS ARE MILLING ABOUT. KELLY,
 WEARING A ROBE THAT READS "BLOND BOMBER" AND HEATHER, WHOSE ROBE READS "TALRICO TORNADO," ARE IN 
 THE CENTER OF THE RING WITH A PERSONAL TRAINER TYPE, WHO'S DOUBLING AS A REFEREE. BUD, DRESSED
 LIKE MICKEY FROM "ROCKY", IS IN KELLY'S CORNER, MASSAGING HER SHOULDERS)

BUD     Okay, Kelly, you can take her, she's yours. And, hopefully, after you beat her brains to
        mush, she'll be mine.

KELLY   (DANCING LIKE ALI) Float like a horsefly, sting like a flea. No one can touch me, I'm
        Keelllleee!

(THE BELL RINGS)

SFX: THE BELL RINGS

(KELLY AND HEATHER GO TO THE CENTER OF THE RING AND TOUCH GLOVES)

HEATHER That movie role is mine. You're going down, street meat.

KELLY   Let's rock.

(KELLY AND HEATHER START BOXING. KELLY GETS A FEW SHOTS IN, BUT HEATHER IS CLEARLY BETTER. SHE
 BEATS KELLY INTO HER CORNER. HEATHER COMES AFTER HER)

BUD     Kelly, duck!

(KELLY DUCKS, AVOIDING HEATHER'S PUNCH, WHICH HITS BUD IN THE FACE. HE GOES OUT LIKE A LIGHT)

KELLY   Hey, no one hits my brother. At least not without dating him first.

HEATHER You know, you fight as bad as you act.

KELLY   Well, you fight as bad as Brooke Shields acts.

HEATHER (ENRAGED) That's it, Bundy. I'm taking you out.

KELLY   Thanks, but I already have plans.

(WE GO TO SLOW MOTION AS HEATHER STARTS TO DELIVER A KNOCKOUT PUNCH. KELLY FEINTS AND NAILS
 HEATHER WITH THE BUNDY COMBO. HEATHER GOES DOWN)

REFEREE One, two...

(HE SEES SHE'S OUT AND STOPS COUNTING. REVIVED, BUD COMES INTO THE RING AND RAISES KELLY'S ARM)

BUD     The winner and star of "Catfight: the Movie," the Blond Bomber, Kelly Bundy!

(THE BYSTANDER EXTRAS CHEER AS KELLY HUGS BUD AND JUMPS UP AND DOWN)

KELLY   I'm going to be a movie star! I can't wait to see my face on the big screen!

(CLOSE ON KELLY, REVEALING HER BLACK EYES AND KNOCKED OUT TEETH, AS WE)

CUT TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

INT. DR. LONGO'S OFFICE - THE NEXT DAY

(AL AND PEGGY ARE IN A THERAPIST'S OFFICE. THERE ARE PICTURES AND DEGREES ON THE WALL)

AL      Why couldn't we go to my guy, Peg?

PEGGY   Because I'm not talking about my marriage with Ernie at the Blech 'N' Burp.

AL      He's a wise man, Peg. And we'd get free buffalo wings.

(DR. LONGO, A YOUNG MAN, ENTERS)

DR. L   Hi. You must be the Bundys. I'm Dr. Longo.

AL      Aren't you a little young?

DR. L   Actually, I'm a Freudian. (HE LAUGHS) Just a little analyst humor.

AL      (TO PEGGY) Ernie's funnier, and he's got fooseball.

PEGGY   Shut Up, Al. (PLEASANTLY) So, how many couples have you seen?

DR. L   Counting you? (BEAT) One. But don't worry, I spent my whole life watching my parents
        fighting.

PEGGY   What were they fighting about?

DR. L   Mostly my bad grades. And lack of insight. But we're not here to discuss me.

AL      Look, Doogie, at fifteen bucks an hour, we'll talk about whatever we want.

DR. L   So, what seems to be the problem?

PEGGY   The problem is my husband doesn't pay attention to me anymore. Isn't that true, Al?

ANGLE ON: AL MESMERIZED BY THE PERPETUAL MOTION DESK TOY

PEGGY   Al!

AL      Whatever you say, honey.

DR. L   Actually, Mr. Bundy, we're interested in what you think.

AL      I think it's all my fault. Hey, I feel better. You're a miracle worker, Doc. Come on,
        Peg.

DR. L   Mr. Bundy, I sense a reluctance to communicate here.

AL      That's not true. Talk to him, Peg.

DR. L   Mr. Bundy, to help this marriage, it's important that you open up.

AL      Is not.

DR. L   Is too. I just had this on a test. (PROUDLY) And I got a B minus.

AL      (DESPERATE) Aren't we out of time?

DR. L   No, we have fifty-three minutes left.

PEGGY   Al, we're not going anywhere until you share your feelings.

AL      Peg, I've done my part. I'm here. I'm fully prepared to nod and agree, but I'm not about
        to spill my guts to a total stranger.


FLIP TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE FOUR

INT. DR. LONGO'S OFFICE - A FEW HOURS LATER

(AL IS SOBBING AND CLUTCHING A PILLOW. PEGGY AND DR. LONGO LOOK ON)

AL      ... And then when I was five, my mommy took away my squirt gun.

DR. L   (HANDING HIM A TISSUE) Maybe she had a good reason.

AL      Well, I was using up all her vodka; and I kept missing her mouth.

PEGGY   Al, we're here to talk about our marriage, not you wanting a gun.

AL      The two are related, Peg.

DR. L   (CALMLY) Mr. Bundy, you obviously have a lot of issues to deal with, and I think that at
        some later date, you may want to... commit yourself. But right now I'd like to hear about 
        your relationship before you got married. Mrs. Bundy?

PEGGY   (NOSTALGIC) We were young and in love. We'd cut class, have a smoke under the bleachers,
        then have a quickie in the senior parking lot. Then we'd get in Al's car and go grab a
        burger.
 
DR. L   And what about you, Al?

AL      (WISTFUL) It was the greatest time of my life. The chicks dug me. I was the star fullback
        on an undefeated team, and all the teachers had to pass me. I had a bitchin' Dodge, and
        gas was fifteen cents a gallon. Back then it all seemed possible.

DR. L   And then what happened?

AL      I had to get married.

PEGGY   Great. Now we're gonna hear all about how if he hadn't gotten married, he could have
        played college ball, gone to the pros...

AL      Well, it's true. Right now I should be a retired football great, selling my autograph on
        QVC, and addicted to the finest painkillers money can buy. You took that away from me,
        Peg!

PEGGY   The hell I did. Your big game where you scored four touchdowns? It was the blocking!

AL      (HORRIFIED) You take that back!

PEGGY   You never would've made it to the pros.

AL      Well, we'll never know, will we? Because you had to go and get pregnant!

PEGGY   (REALLY ANGRY) I'm gonna let you in on a little secret, Al. I didn't get pregnant till
        our honeymoon.

(THERE IS AN AWKWARD SILENCE)

AL      What?

DR. L   (CLARIFYING) She lied and you wasted your life. Well, our time is up.

AL      You lied to me for twenty-five years! How could you not tell me?

PEGGY   I thought you might get mad.

(AL GRABS THE NEAREST THING, THE DIPLOMA, OFF THE WALL AND SMASHES IT. HE STORMS OUT)

PEGGY   And I was right.

DR. L   (SADLY) My mom just had that framed.

(PEGGY TAKES HIS OTHER DIPLOMA, SMASHES IT OVER HIS HEAD AND EXITS)

DR. L   (AFTER HER) So, I'll bill you?!


DISSOLVE TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE FIVE

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - LATER THAT DAY

(PEGGY IS ON THE COUCH, UPSET. AL ENTERS FROM UPSTAIRS WEARING HIS FOOTBALL JERSEY, HOLDING A
 TOILET SEAT UNDER HIS ARM, AND CARRYING A SUITCASE)

PEGGY   Come on, Al. I told you I was sorry.

AL      Sorry doesn't make up for twenty-five years, Peg.

PEGGY   Does pudding?

AL	(HESITATING FOR A MOMENT) No.

PEGGY   But where are you going?

AL      To live the life I shoulda had.

PEGGY   Al, I only said I was pregnant because I was afraid to lose you. I did it because I loved 
        you.

AL      That's not love, Peg.

PEGGY   So, I hurried things a little. We still would've ended up together, right?

AL      (BEAT) I guess we'll never know.

(AL EXITS TO THE GARAGE AND ON PEGGY'S REACTION WE)

FADE OUT

END OF SHOW