Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy

Guest Cast:

Harold Sylvester..........Griff
Janet Carroll.............Gary
Johnathan Magnum..........Hal
Kevin Lamont Smith........Biff
Amy Lyndon................Mall Manager
Steven Anthony Lawrence...Kid #1
Lynette Bennett...........Judge #1
Mary Stein................Judge #2
Christian McLaughlin......Reindeer Dancer



PROLOGUE

The shoe store. "Jingle Bells" plays. 
There are a lot of women standing outside the door waiting for the store to open. Inside, Al and
Griff are kneeling near the window, holding hands and praying.

AL       Dear Lord, I know we haven't talked to you since the Fourth of July blow-out sale, but... 
         with three more shopping days until Christmas, we ask you to protect us as we stare into
         the valley of the shadow of thighs. 

AL       Amen.
GRIFF    Amen.

AL       You can let go of my hand now, Griff.

GRIFF    Do I have to?

Al shakes his hand loose.

GRIFF    Sorry. 

AL       Alright. [looks at the woman outside the store] Let's unlock and load.

Al pulls on a string behind him, which pulls the keys out of the door lock. The women come
stampeding in, grabbing boxes of shoes and crushing Al and Griff. "The Ride of the Valkyries" by 
Wagner plays.


OPENING CREDITS


ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

The Bundy living room.
Lucky, Bud, Kelly and Peggy are sitting on the couch, threading popcorn. Lucky is wearing
antlers. When the popcorn gets to Peggy, she takes it off and eats it.

PEGGY    Mmmm, I love Christmas. Keep 'em coming, kids. Oh, could you pass down some butter?

BUD      [looking up] Mom.
KELLY    [looking up] Mom, you're not s'posed to eat it.

Al enters.

PEGGY    Oh, hi, honey. How was work?

AL       Ohh, swell, Peg. You wanna give me a little hand here?

Al turns around and leans down. There is shoe stuck in his back. Peggy removes it.

PEGGY    Gee, looks like my size. Where's the other one?

AL       You don't wanna know. God, I hate Christmas!

PEGGY    Oh, then I guess this wouldn't be the best time to ask about a tree.

AL       Now why would I want something that just sits in the living room and takes up
         electricity? I have you for that.

KELLY    Come on, Daddy, we want a Christmas tree.

BUD      Yeah. Yeah, and I'm not letting you hang ornaments on me again this year, either.

AL       Do Bundy traditions mean nothing to you people? Oh, so you got a little rash from the
         tinsel. You looked beautiful, Son.

Kelly nods in agreement.
The doorbell rings. Al answers it. Marcy comes inside, with a plate of cookies.

MARCY    Merry Christmas, all! I just made some Christmas cook...

Marcy is cut off by all four Bundys diving into the cookies and devouring them.

AL       Hey now!

The Bundys step back once they've finished all the cookies. Marcy is now missing a button on her
shirt cuff.

MARCY    You ate my sleeve!?

Bud coughs something up.

BUD      Mmm. Button.

Bud throws the button back on the plate.

MARCY    Well, I just came by tell you that this year I am finally going to win the neighborhood
         decorating contest.

AL       What, are you gonna stand out front, be The Little Drummer Boy? 

The Bundys laugh.

MARCY    No, Stench Who Stole Christmas. I have imported a hand-carved nativity scene from Bavaria.
         Cost me five grand!

BUD      Ah, don't you think that money could be better spent on a needy family? You know, like
         us?

KELLY    [putting her arm around Bud] Just 25 cents a day would make a world of difference in
         this little boy's life.

Bud puts his head on Kelly's shoulder.

MARCY    Forget it. My holy family is gonna kick every Yuletide ass on the block!

Marcy leaves.

PEGGY    Now that's some Christmas spirit. You know, maybe we oughta have some traditions around
         here.

AL       Well, Peg, like Christmas dinner?

PEGGY    Oh, nah. That's been done to death. You know, I saw a gingerbread house on Oprah today.
         Maybe I oughta make one of those.

BUD      [to Al] Does she know that would require baking?

AL       Not to mention standing up.

PEGGY    [standing] I'll show you guys. I'm going in this kitchen right now and I'm gonna start
         baking! [arrives at the kitchen and looks around] Alright, now tell me which one of
         these things is the oven.


SCENE TWO

The shoe store.

AL       Tough day, huh, Griff?

Griff is asleep (snoring) on the floor, with his head on the footstool. 

AL       GRIFF!!!

GRIFF    [waking up] If you shave the toes, they'll fit!

Gary enters.

GARY     Merry Christmas, jingle boobs. To stop your whining, I got you some holiday help. Boys?
         Al, Griff... meet Hal, Biff.

The two young men enter. Hal, slumped, resembles Al and Biff is African-American. Al and Griff
look at them.

AL       Do they remind you of anyone?

GRIFF    Hootie and one Blowfish?

GARY     Okay, teach them everyone you know. And when those five minutes are up, get this place
         straightened up. 

Gary leaves.

AL       [to Griff] Let's huddle.


Al and griff move away from Hal and Biff. Griff puts one arm around Al and the other on his shoulder.

AL       [pushing Griff's hands off] Hey, I said "huddle", not "cuddle"!

GRIFF    I'm sorry. Holidays are a lonely time for me.

AL       Alright, listen. We've got two young, eager boys hanging around us. You know what that
         makes us?

GRIFF    Michael Jackson?

AL       No! Management. And you know what management does?

GRIFF    Takes long lunches and leaves early?

AL       Exactly! We've trained our whole lives for this.


SCENE THREE

Back at the Bundy house, Peggy is making her gingerbread house.
Bud and Kelly enter from the basement, discussing something somewhat furtively. They see Peggy.

BUD      Mmm-mmm-mmm! Smells good in here.

KELLY    Oooh, a gingerbread house!

Kelly reaches out to touch it, but Peggy bats her hand away.

PEGGY    Oh, no no! It's not for eating. this is what you call "decorative".

BUD      Oh, that's great. The first time you cook something and you won't let us eat it.

KELLY    Hey. hey, Mom, there's a big crack in it.

PEGGY    Well, yeah. That's 'cause it's our house. You see that cotton candy? That's asbestos!

KELLY    Hey, that's cool. Can I help?

PEGGY    Well, sure. [slides a bowl of eggs in front of Kelly] Why don't you separate these eggs?

Kelly takes one egg out of the bowl and places it next to the gingerbread house, then removes
another egg and places it on the counter behind her.
Marcy and Jefferson suddenly enter, upset.

MARCY    Peggy, oh my god. Something horrible has happened.

JEFRSN   Mary and Joseph have been kidnapped from our nativity scene.

MARCY    Have you guys seen anything?

KELLY    Nope, nothing.
BUD      No, haven't seen anything.

JEFRSN   Well, they pinned this note on the donkey.

Jefferson gives the note to Peggy.

PEGGY    [reading] "Pay us five hundred dollars or it's drapes for the holy family."

BUD      It's "curtains"! [covering up] ... I'm sure they meant "curtains".

Both Bud and Kelly look a tad guilty.

KELLY    Well, sounds like they mean business. Are you gonna pay?

MARCY    Well, of course we're gonna pay!

JEFRSN   Yeah, but first we're gonna call the cops.

BUD      [desperately] No, no cops!! I mean, you don't wanna risk it. Kidnappers don't like it
         when you call the cops. I'm sure they forgot to put that in the note.

Kelly cringes. Jefferson walks over to them.

JEFRSN   Bud, Kelly?

KELLY    [with fear] Yeah??
BUD      [with fear] What??

JEFRSN   You guys help us put these up around the neighborhood?

Jefferson rolls out a poster that contains a picture of Mary and Joseph and the words "HAVE YOU
SEEN THESE PEOPLE?" on it.


SCENE FOUR

Back at the shoe store, Al and Griff are reading Big'Uns and Black Big'Uns magazines,
respectively. Hal rushes in with a paper bag.

HAL      Here are you burgers, Sirs. 

AL       Ah!

He gives Al and Griff their burgers.

HAL      They're still warm.

AL       [looking at the burger] Well done.

HAL      Thank you, Sir.

AL       I said I wanted them "well done"!

GRIFF    Damn public school system.

AL       See, this is exactly why I don't pay taxes.

Gary enters.

GARY     So, Bundy, how are your protégés doing?

AL       Oh well, they're still slightly inflamed, but the new employees are doing well.

GARY     Good. You two are fired.

AL       What?? Well, What did we do?

GARY     It's what you didn't do. Will you look at this? [picks up a handful of receipts] These
         two kids have done more work in the last three days than you've done in 25 years. 

AL       Well, I pace myself!

GARY     Hal, Biff - you're in charge now.

AL       Oh. Oh, okay, fine. You want us out of here? Fine! Let's go, Griff. There's gotta be 
         other jobs out there that pay a lot more than this.

FLIP TO:


SCENE FIVE

Al and Griff are sitting in the mall. Al is holding a sign that reads, "Will stop singing for 25
cents", and Griff is holding a cup. They are singing "Jingle Bells". Someone walks past and puts
a coin in the cup. Al and Griff stop singing momentarily... then they start singing the first 
verse of the song again.
 

ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Kelly is sitting at the counter, dialling the phone. Bud stands opposite her, preparing some cue
cards.

BUD      Now, remember, we don't want them to recognise you.

KELLY    What, do you think I'm an idiot, Bud?

Kelly puts on a glasses-and-fake-moustache disguise. Bud gives a look and just holds up the cue
cards for Kelly. The phone at the D'Arcy house rings. Marcy and Jefferson run to answer it.

MARCY    Hello?

KELLY    [speaking with a lowered voice and reading from the cue cards] If you ever want to see
         Mary and Joseph alive again... [Bud displays the next card] Drop 500 dollars... [Bud
         displays the next card, only it is upside down] Outside the ooz and 9 o'clock.

Marcy and Jefferson look puzzled. 
Bud quickly turns the card the right way and whispers desperately.

BUD      That's the 'zoo at 6 o'clock', you moron!

KELLY    [on phone] That's the zoo at 6 o'clock, you moron.

MARCY    Okay, we'll do it. But how do we know you haven't hurt them?

JEFRSN   Tell them to put the statues on the phone.

MARCY    Good idea. [on the phone] Put the statues on... [she takes the receiver and whacks
         Jefferson over the head with it] Idiot!

Jefferson falls to the ground. Kelly hangs up and takes off the disguise.

KELLY    We're rich, Bud! We're rich!

Kelly and Bud dance around joyously.

BUD      This is gonna be the best Christmas ever!

Peggy enters, with shopping bags.

PEGGY    Oh, I knew you kids would get the Christmas spirit. 

BUD      Hi, Mom. I thought you finished our gingerbread house.

PEGGY    Well, I did. But I had so much fun, that I decided to bake the whole neighborhood!

Peggy whips the cover off her gingerbread masterpiece. Several houses have now been beautifully
baked.

KELLY    This is incredible! 

BUD      Hey, look. [pointing] There's old man McGinty's house.

KELLY    Oh, you even got the telescope he uses to watch me shower!

BUD      Mom, what are those two marshmallows in your bedroom window?

PEGGY    Ohh, [laughs] well, that's Daddy mooning the D'Arcys!

They all laugh.


SCENE TWO

Back at the mall, Al and Griff are still singing "Jingle Bells". Someone walks past and puts a
coin in their cup.

AL       Bless you. [to Griff] You know, I'm tired of looking out for the cops. I'm gonna get
         down to that mall employment office. You wanna come?

GRIFF    No, I'm fine. I've-I've got some money put away. What kind of job you gonna find on
         Christmas Eve?

AL       I don't know, but whatever kind of job it is, I'm sure it can't be anymore humiliating
         than this.

FLIP TO:


SCENE THREE

Al is now the "Elfineer" - the train driver of a kiddies ride in the mall. The kids sing "Jingle
Bells". Al is dressed in a red and white striped shirt and green overalls. A kid on the train
addresses Al.

KID      Hey mister, are you Santa?

AL       Do I look like Santa?

KID      Well, you're fat!

AL       Well, you're walkin'!

Al lifts the kid off the train and sends him on his way. Griff approaches.

GRIFF    Al? Is that you? Man, you make one ugly hobbit!

AL       [pointing to the name on his hat] I happen to be the Elfineer! At least I got a job.

GRIFF    Well, I got a job.

AL       I thought you said you had money put away.

GRIFF    Well, I did. But, uh, then I had a corndog and a kiddie coke and there went my nest egg.

AL       Well, what kind of job you doing?

GRIFF    I got an executive position in the overnight delivery business.

The mall manager calls out to Griff.

MANAGER  Hey, Blitzen! Get your tail back over to the sleigh.
 
An obviously gay man approaches Al and Griff. He is dressed in a reindeer's costume.

PRANCER  Hi, I'm Prancer.

AL       No kidding.

PRANCER  Come on, Blitzen, it's time to get into our harness.

Prancer gives Griff a pair of antlers and walks off.

AL       What kind of reindeer games you playing over there, Griff?

GRIFF    One more crack out of you and I'll kick your curly-toed butt.

AL       [chuckles] Ah now, Griff, don't be bitter just 'cause my job's better than yours.

Griff sighs and walks off. The kid from the train comes back to Al.

KID      Mister. [holding his stomach] I don't feel so good.

AL       Son, Son, I'm an elf, not a doctor.

The kid throws up on Al's feet. Al looks disgusted.


SCENE FOUR

A panicked Bud, followed by Kelly, enters.

BUD      This is all your fault. What were doing sticking the statues out the car window??

KELLY    Well, what were you doing driving through a tunnel? I don't know what the big deal is,
         Bud.

BUD      Oh, you don't know what the big deal is, huh? We beheaded Mary and Joseph! We're going
         to jail. We're going to hell!

Kelly slaps Bud hard.

KELLY    [speaking like James Cagney] Now this is what we're gonna do, see. Now we're stickin' to
         our story, see. We don't know nothing about no holy family, see.

BUD      We... We'll do time.

KELLY    No one's sending me up the river on no nativity rap. See?

The doorbell rings.

BUD      Oh my god!

Kelly slaps him again.

KELLY    Now keep yer yapper shut!

Marcy and Jefferson enter.

MARCY    We waited for over an hour in the snow and those creeps didn't show. 

BUD      It's just a contest. You still have Christmas.

MARCY    To hell with Christmas, I wanna win!

Jefferson pulls a wad of cash out of his pocket.

JEFRSN   You see this money? This is the closest those kidnappers are gonna get to it. I'm gonna
         hunt that scum down if it takes every last cent she [gestures to Marcy] has.

BUD      [weakly] I'm sure they're very, very sorry.

MARCY    Noooo, [walking over to Bud and Kelly with an insane smile on her face] They'll be sorry
         alright. 'Cause when we find them, I'll tear out their fingernails. 

JEFRSN   Rip their guts out.

MARCY    And skin him alive!

BUD      [breaking down] We did it! It was us. [points to Kelly] It was her!

KELLY    You're not pinning this one on me, Rat Boy.

MARCY    You stole our statues? [starts strangling Bud] You...

KELLY    [stopping Marcy] Hey now now now, calm down, sister. We still got your lousy statues.

MARCY    Good. Because if so much as one hair is missing from their heads...

BUD      [wailing] They don't have any heads!

Marcy and Jefferson scream.


SCENE FIVE

At the shoe store, Hal is serving a fat woman customer.

WOMAN    I can't believe these don't come in a lower heel.

HAL      Oh, they will. Just stand up on them.

The woman throws down the shoe and leaves. Hal shrugs as if to say, "what'd I do?"
Al enters, still dressed as the Elfineer.

BIFF     Hey-ey, look. It's Santa's Village Idiot. What are you doing here?

AL       I have to use the bathroom, punk.

HAL      Don't they have one on the train? [mimes pulling on a cord] doot doot!

Hal and Biff laugh and high-five.

AL       Oh sure, you guys think you're funny, don't ya? Well, let me tell you something. You're
         looking at your futures here.

BIFF     I don't think so, Elf Boy. This is just a... 

AL       Temporary job?

HAL      Yeah. 'Cause we're gonna go to...

AL       College? You got a girlfriend? [to Hal] I'll be it's a redhead.

HAL      How did you know that?

AL       [laughing] Lucky guess. Congratulations, boys, you peaked. You're gonna slave away here
         day in, day out, year in, year out... till one day you'll be close to 50... and you'll
         be an elf, driving a choo-choo!

Al laughs and walks into the back room. All the women in the store crowd around Hal and Biff.
They start asking questions and shove shoes in their faces.

BIFF     Oh my God, what if he's right?

HAL      We gotta get out of here!

Hal and Biff run away from women. Gary enters the store just as they leave.

HAL      We quit, lady!
BIFF     We quit, lady!

GARY     What?? [the boys flee hastily] Oh, wait! [The woman crowd around her] Ladies, please,
         please. 

The toilet flushes.

GARY     [gesturing for Al] Bundy, I gotta talk to you.

Al walks over to her.

AL       Oh, what, you wanna rub it in, huh? Well, that's fine. Because firing me was the best
         thing you could've done. 'Cause I have a better job now, with more responsibility. And a
         big hat, too! So you can take your shoe store job and shove it because I have something
         that's even more important. My self respect.

GARY     You can have your job back.

AL       [desperately relieved] Thank you! Thank you. 

He bows down to Gary's feet. One of the customers calls out.

WOMAN    Excuse me, we've all been waiting forever.

AL       But first, a few demands.

GARY     Anything, just get back to work. 

AL       Alright. I want you to give Griff his job back. Although, he's a proud man; he may not
         take it.

Griff, dressed as Blitzen, suddenly appears in the doorway.

GRIFF    I'll take it!

Griff comes in.

GARY     What else, more money?

AL       Hey! I'm making the demands here! [quieter] I also want... more money. And... [points at
         the Christmas tree in the store] That tree.

GARY     Hmm. No more money. You can have the tree after Christmas.

AL       No, no! Before Christmas. I'm going to put my foot down.

Al puts his foot down and it jingles.

GARY     You drive a hard bargain for a smurf.

Gary leaves.

GRIFF    He's an elf.

AL       That's ex-elf!

Al, laughing, high-fives Griff.


SCENE SIX

Outside, evening. 
The camera pans down from an Angel placed on the top of Marcy and Jefferson's Christmas display
to the display itself. Bud and Kelly have replaced the Joseph and Mary statues. Marcy, Jefferson
and Peggy are standing nearby.

BUD      Damn, it's cold. I'm freezing my frankincense off.

KELLY    This is all your fault, mistle-toed. Mom, please, make her let us go.

PEGGY    No. What you did was wrong. You had no intention of sharing that ransom money with me.

JEFRSN   Shh, shh. Here come the judges.

Two female judges, with a trophy, approach them.

JUDGE#1  Merry Christmas, D'Arcys. I see you've outspent yourselves as usual. 

JUDGE#2  It is a beautiful display, though. [looking at Bud closely at bud] So lifelike. [pokes
         Bud in the chest]

JUDGE#1  Yes, but, Mary looks a bit... [quietly] trampy.

Kelly mouths some obscenities at the Judge.

JUDGE#2  Well, I hate to say it, but I think we may have a winner.

MARCY    Yes, I won! [taking the trophy] I won! Oh, I bought the spirit of Christmas!

JEFRSN   Oh, I think she means she "brought" the spirit of Christmas.

MARCY    Oh, yes. To you lovely people.

JUDGE#1  Wait a minute. Look at the Bundys' window. [We see Peggy's Christmas display] Is that
         our neighborhood?

PEGGY    Uh, I made it myself. Out of gingerbread.

JUDGE#1  Look, Marge, isn't that your father with his telescope?

She takes the trophy from Marcy with some effort and hands it to Peggy.

JUDGE#1  Congratulations, Mrs. Bundy, here's your trophy. And a hundred dollars.

She hands the delighted Peggy an envelope.

PEGGY    Well, thanks! You know, I haven't won anything since I was Miss Teenage Wanker.

JUDGE#1  [to the D'Arcys] And you get second prize - a fruitcake.

The other judge holds out a fruitcake for Marcy, who just looks at it evilly.

MARCY    Shove the fruitcake, you bitch.

Marcy marches off, knocking over one of the statues in the display.

BUD      We'll take it. 

KELLY    Yeah, we love fruitcake.

Bud and Kelly take the fruitcake. The judges look a bit startled.


EPILOGUE

Bud, Kelly and Peggy are eating their fruitcake and watching a news report on TV.

TV       This special report just in, hundreds of people are flocking to the Dan Ryan tunnel to
         see a Christmas miracle. Witnesses are saying that the heads of Joseph and the Virgin
         Mary appear to be imbedded in the tunnel wall.

Marcy is heard screaming from next door.
Al enters, in his normal clothes. He is dragging the Christmas tree behind him.

AL       Merry Christmas!

Peggy, Kelly and Bud join Al.

PEGGY    Oh, Al, you got a tree!

KELLY    Oh, Daddy, and before Christmas!

PEGGY    Ohhhh. Oh, honey, how was your day?

AL       Oh, ah, same old thing, Peg: started out in the shoe store, you know, ended up in the
         shoe store...

PEGGY    Oh. You know, this is the best Christmas ever. We got a tree, [Al puts his arm around
         her] and I won the neighborhood decorating contest.

BUD      And I-I still have nine toes...

A crunching sound is heard.

KELLY    Eight.

AL       Merry Christmas!


THE END

The screen displays the message, "Happy Holidays". 
A Deck The Halls/Jingle Bells medley plays instead of the regular theme music.