Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy

Guest Cast:

Dan Tullis, Jr..........Officer Dan
Nancy Linari............Sister
David Pressman..........Mike
Peter Kerr..............Cab Driver
Te Mark Flack...........Real Cop
Bryan Rasmussen.........Burglar
Gerry Lock..............Old Lady
Lewis Dauber............Sketch Artist
Bert L. Cook............Cab Driver #2 
Tina Yothers............Herself




PROLOGUE

Al and Jefferson are watching "COPS" on TV. The COPS theme ("Bad Boys") plays.

AL       Man, I love COPS.

JEFRSN   Yep, definitely the best show on FOX.

AL       Yeah, like that's saying much. The American Justice system at work. Beating the crap out
         of people before judges let 'em go. Almost makes me wanna pay taxes.

JEFRSN   Or vote.

They laugh.

AL       You know, I could've been a great cop. Well, with my cat-like reflexes and keen senses.
         I've got eyes in the back of my head, you know.

Behind them, Peggy is tied up in a chair, with a gag on, as a burglar takes things from the house. 
Peggy makes noise to get Al's attention. Neither Al nor Jefferson turn around.

AL       Peg... Peg! Could you keep it down? We're trying to watch TV here.

The burglar leaves with his loot.
The "Married with Children" theme is heard on TV.

JEFRSN   Do you believe that show is still on the air?

AL       It's a classic, I love it. Except for the stupid neighbors.

JEFRSN   Yeah.


OPENING CREDITS



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

A film set. Kelly is dressed in a nun's habit and is making a commercial for an olive oil.

KELLY    So use Extra Extra Virgin Olive Oil. It's 100% pure. Like me.

Kelly smiles.
Bud and Sister Claire stand sidestage watching.

SISTER   Not pure enough. NEXT!

BUD      Are you kidding? Kelly is the perfect spokes model for your olive oil. No one is more
         innocent.

KELLY    Hey, time out, boys. My thong is riding up.

BUD      [to Sister Claire] It's a chastity thong.

SISTER   Young man, this a national advertising campaign. Our spokesperson has to be as pure as
         the oil itself. 

Kelly is sitting on the lap of a handsome male actor. Bud diverts Sister Claire's attention so
she doesn't see them.

BUD      Sister. I hate to play hard ball with you, but...

SISTER   Sonny, I spend everyday wrestling with Beelzebub, I think I could take your best shot.
 
BUD      Well, Kelly's got a firm offer from the Jehovah Witnesses to be their new Watchtower
         girl. What's it gonna be?

SISTER   Sold! I love putting the screws to those jerks.

BUD      Deal?

Bud holds out his hand and she shakes it. Sister Claire then gives Bud a paper.

SISTER   But she will have to sign this morals clause. And remember, I will be watching! And so
         [points up] will He. 

Sister Claire walks off. Kelly joins Bud.

KELLY    Hey, so did you get me the job?

BUD      Is the Pope Catholic?

KELLY    How should I know? Hello? I'm not really a nun!

BUD      No, but you play one on TV. You got the job.

KELLY    [excitedly] Ohmigod ohmigod! I'm gonna be rich! Yay me! Haha.

BUD      But, unlike your bra, there's a catch. [shows Kelly the paper] See, you have to sign
         this morals clause. You have to be chaste.

KELLY    Well, do I get a head start?

BUD      Kelly, to get a head start, you have to have a head. No, my point is, until the Sister
         moves back to the convent, you have to act like you're not interested in men.

KELLY    Hmmm, this is going to be my most challenging role yet. Except of course when I played 
         Dino in "Flintstones in the Park".

BUD      Oh yeah, big stretch. Yeah, you jumping a guy and licking his face as soon as he walks
         through the door?

KELLY    Excuse me, but I had to play a hyperactive dinosaur. And that bitch Pebbles kept trying
         to upstage me. 

BUD      Kelly, could you please try and concentrate, if you can do this, we could make twenty
         thousand dollars.

KELLY    Who needs men?

The handsome actor walks by.

KELLY    Well, except for this one over here...

Kelly grabs his butt.

BUD      Hey!

KELLY    What, you expect me to just quit cold turkey? I think I'm gonna need a patch or something.


SCENE TWO

Al is sitting on the couch, distressed. Officer Dan is next to him, noting Al's report.


DAN      So let me get this straight. You were sitting not more than four feet away while a
         criminal bound and gagged your wife?

AL       I feel terrible about it! He took my lucky bowling shirt!

DAN      The one you've never washed? You sure it didn't just walk off on its own?

At the kitchen table, Peggy is describing the criminal to a sketch artist.

PEGGY    No, I think the shoulders were a little broader, the jaw was a little more chiselled...
         and, and there was a dimple. There. That's him!

The artist holds up the sketch.

ARTIST   So you were robbed by a pirate who looks like Brad Pitt? Are you sure this is who we're
         looking for?

PEGGY    Well, he's who I'm looking for.

Officer Dan is on his way out.

DAN      Okay, for your insurance report we've got you down for a bowling shirt, a Mazarati and a 
         Picasso.

AL       Make that two Picassos; write one down for yourself.

DAN      Thanks, buddy.

AL       Hey, and uh, speaking of objects de arte, I'll uh, see you at the Jiggly Room on Saturday.

DAN      I can't go. I'm on duty.

AL       [getting up quickly] What do you mean you can't go?? If you're not there we can't do the
         strip searches!

DAN      I know, but that stupid show "COPS" is following me around. 

AL       COPS? You're gonna be on COPS?? It's my life's dream to be on COPS!

DAN      But Al, I work alone. You lose three partners in one week and suddenly no one wants to
         ride with you.

AL       Hey, Dan... does the Captain know you rent out the patrol car from prom dates?

DAN      Pick you up at eight.

Officer Dan leaves. Al resumes his place on the couch.

ARTIST   How did you develop such a rich fantasy life?

Peggy looks at Al, who is squeezing his stomach around his belly button area.

PEGGY    How d'ya think?


SCENE THREE

Kelly, Bud and Sister Claire are sitting on the Bundy couch. Kelly is dressed is a demure plaid
dress, with her hair tied back.

KELLY    Gee, thanks for such a fun evening, Sister. I never knew Apostle Bingo could be so
         exciting.

SISTER   Well, tomorrow we'll be playing the Mother Superior's favourite game.

KELLY    [quietly] What, spin the candlestick?

SISTER   No. Messiah Mystery Date. Will he be a dud, or will he rise again!

BUD      Come on, Sister, I'll drive you back to your hotel. If you're not home by midnight, you
         might just turn into a prodisent.

SISTER   Oh, that would never happen. I am a Bride of Christ.

KELLY    Wow, that must've been a fancy wedding.

SISTER   [to Bud] She's not the brightest bead on the rosary, is she?

Bud looks at Kelly, then escorts the Sister out.

KELLY    Oh, God. Thank God.

Kelly whips off the dress so she is in her usual attire of top and short skirt. She lets her hair
down too. Peggy comes downstairs.

PEGGY    Oh hi, sweetie.

KELLY    Hi, Mom.

PEGGY    Hey, is something wrong?

Kelly shakes her head sadly.

PEGGY    You wanna talk about it?

Kelly nods sadly. Peggy takes her hand and leads her to the table.

PEGGY    Oh, come on. Let's have a little Mother-Daughter moment. Just like they do on TV.

KELLY    Thanks, Mom. Well, it's really personal and it's kind of embarrassing.

PEGGY    [excitedly] Oh, honey! You got your period!

KELLY    Mom, I'm 25.

PEGGY    Well, don't be ashamed. Every woman develops differently. You're just a late bloomer.

KELLY    Mom, it's not my period.

PEGGY    Well, don't worry. It'll come. I'm glad we had this talk.

Peggy gets up and walks off, but Kelly walks after her.

KELLY    No no no, Mom, wait. That's not it. 

PEGGY    Well, now don't tell me you're pregnant. I mean, what would the neighbors think? Me, a
         grandma at thirty-five. [scoffs]

KELLY    Mars to Mom, I am not pregnant.

Peggy sits Kelly on the couch with her.

PEGGY    Well, honey, then what is it? Bulimia? [Kelly shakes her head] Anorexia? [Kelly shakes
         her head again] You found out about Santa Claus?

KELLY    What about Santa?

PEGGY    Oh, nothing.

KELLY    Okay. It's about not having sex.

PEGGY    Oh my God, you got married!!

KELLY    No, Mom! It's just that I'm having a really hard time with that morals clause I told you
         about. I miss boys. 

PEGGY    Well, you know what Grandma Wanker always said.

KELLY    "Pass the gravy"?

PEGGY    No.

KELLY    "You gonna eat that skin"?

PEGGY    No. But actually, what she's talking about is... [retrieves a box of bonbons from behind 
         a sofa cushion] chocolate. That's right, whenever you feel the urge, just take two of
         these and call QVC in the morning.

KELLY    Thanks, Mom, but I think it's gonna be a long time before I become that desperate.


FLIP TO:

SCENE FOUR

Kelly and Peggy are still on the couch, but now are both seesawing their legs and Kelly is eating
bonbons. There are several other empty bonbon boxes lying around them.

KELLY    Mmmmm. These bonbons are great. But you know, I can't get my leg to stop twitching.

PEGGY    Oh, you get used to that.

Officer Dan bursts through the front door and aims his gun at Peggy and Kelly.

DAN      Freeze, bitches!

Peggy and Kelly stop twitching their legs in shock. Kelly puts her hands up.

KELLY    I haven't thought about men once, I swear!

DAN      Damn! I always get this place confused with the crack house.

Al comes downstairs, wearing a police uniform and singing "Bad Boys".

AL       Bad boys, bad boys, whatchya gonna do? Whatchya gonna do when they come for you? Bad
         boys, bad...

PEGGY    [turned on] Ooh, baby. Is that a nightstick or you just happy to see me?

AL       That's a nightstick, Peg, and I'm not afraid to use it.

DAN      Al, I thought we agreed you weren't going to carry a gun.

AL       Well, don't worry, I know how to handle this thing.

Al taps the gun (in its holster) with his hand and it fires. His police hat falls off.

PEGGY    That's what he said on our honeymoon.

Al puts his hat back on.

AL       Let's ride.

Al, hobbling, follows Officer Dan out.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Al and Officer Dan are in the patrol car.

AL       This is great! [picks up the radio] Car 54, where are you?

DAN      Al, we're car 54.

Mike, the cameraman, approaches them.

MIKE     Hi. I'm Mike from COPS. It's nice to meet you. Just act natural; pretend I'm not here.

Mike turns on his camera and Al looks into it, stunned.

MIKE     So, uh, why did you become a cop?

AL       Uhh, it's in - it's in the blood. Ehh, my pop was a cop. Top cop just like his pop,
         Grandpop. Both top cops. [to Officer Dan] Make me stop.

DAN      As a cop, you're a flop.

Mike gets in the car with them.

MIKE     [to Officer Dan] So, uh, when does your partner get shot in the head?

DAN      In about thirty seconds. Now, just like all good cops, we start every shift with an
         equipment check.

AL       First we check to see if the safety's on.

Al fires the rifle that's standing up between him and Officer Dan. 

AL       It's not.

A dead bird falls onto the car's bonnet.

AL       Sometimes we have to make an example.

DAN      To who? The remaining two spotted owls in this hemisphere?

AL       It's kill or be killed! Let's ride.


SCENE TWO

Back at the Bundy house, Kelly is busy working on a pottery wheel. Bud enters from his room.

BUD      Hey, Kel. How's it going?

KELLY    Oh, it's going great. I haven't thought about men once.

Bud looks at the various things Kelly has made - The Eiffel Tower, The Leaning Tower of Pisa, The
Washington Monument - all phallic structures.

KELLY    You know, Mom was a big help. She said that all I have to do was just channel my
         frustrations into arts and crafts.

PEGGY    [o.s.] Finished!

We see Peggy by a painting she's done: a worried stick figure with a shoe head being stabbed by a 
woman's hand holding a screwdriver.

PEGGY    I call it "Death of a Shoe Salesman".

BUD      You're doing great, Kel. I really am proud of you.

KELLY    Thanks, Bud. [looks at him] Hey... you been working out?

Bud backs away slowly.

BUD      Whoa.

Someone knocks on the door.

BUD      Thank God.

Bud answers it to Sister Claire.

BUD      Sister Claire? I just dropped you off at the hotel, what are you doing here?

SISTER   I was sitting in my hotel room when I had a haunting vision of sin.

BUD      Shouldn't have bought a Pay-Per-View.

SISTER   [coming in] I mean, I thought there might be sinning going on here. 

BUD      Oh, what could make you think such a thing?

Sister Claire notices Kelly's pottery.

SISTER   Ohhh, we make these by the thousands at the convent. May I?

KELLY    Oh, of course.

SISTER   The Pope has one of my Space Needles.

Kelly lets Sister Claire sit at the pottery wheel.
A really hot hunk appears at the door and knocks.

CABBIE   Excuse me, Sister, the meter's running. Do you want me to go or stay?

BUD      Go!
KELLY    Stay!

Kelly walks over to him.

KELLY    Hi, I'm Kelly.

CABBIE   And I'm off duty.

BUD      Kelly, please, this commercial could mean national exposure!

KELLY    Oh, this is all the exposure I want.

Kelly rips open the cab driver's shirt.

KELLY    Oh, my God!

Kelly throws herself onto him.

SISTER   [looking at her pottery] Look, I made Stone Henge!

Bud tries to break up Kelly and the cab driver before the Sister sees.

SISTER   [praying] Dear Lord, I thank thee for my talents, which are considerable...

Bud jump onto the cab driver's back and tries to break him and Kelly apart.

SISTER   And Lord... bless these good decent Bundys. Lead them not into temptation and deliver
         them from evil. Amen.

Bud, the cabbie and Kelly all fall onto the couch.

SISTER   SINNERS!!!

BUD      No, Sister, this isn't, this isn't what you think!

KELLY    Hey, Bud, gets your hands off of him, I saw him first!!

SISTER   Lady, you are fired!

Kelly gasps. Sister Claire walks out.

BUD      Wait, Sister! Sister! She's not my only client. [to the cabbie] Can you act? And will
         you wear a dress?

CABBIE   No, and yes.


SCENE THREE

Al, Officer Dan and Mike are driving, bored.

AL       Man, I've seen more action in the shoe store. [quickly] Not that I, not that I work
         there! No, I'm a cop and a damn good one.

RADIO    Attention patrol car 54, there is a 633 in progress. 

AL       Finally!

Mike turns his camera back on.

AL       [into radio] We're on it. [into camera] Floor it, Danno! Hey, hey... let's be careful
         out there. [grins]

  
SCENE FOUR

An elderly lady is standing in her front yard, calling for help.
Al runs up to her, followed by Officer Dan, who is gasping for breath.

AL       Madam, what seems to be the problem?

LADY     It's my Stanley. He's going to jump!

AL       [into the camera] We've got a jumper. Everybody stay calm!! [to the lady] Is your
         husband depressed?

LADY     I'll say, he's dead.

AL       We've got a dead man up a tree!

LADY     No, Stanley's my cat.

AL       A-A cat? I became a cop to rescue cats...

Al reaches up to get the cat.

LADY     Be careful, he's very high strung.

AL       Ma'am, just step aside. Let me handle this.

Stanley, growling, then falls out of the tree and onto Al, knocking him to the ground. Al screams
as Stanley latches onto his crotch.

AL       Officer Dan, call 911. Officer Dan!

LADY     Stanley, stop playing with that, it's dirty. Who knows where it's been?

She tries to pry Stanley away from Al's crotch.

AL       Don't pull! Don't pull!


SCENE FIVE

Al and Mike are watching Officer Dan eat from a box of donuts.

MIKE     Man, how many donuts can your partner eat?

AL       I think he's near his record. You can tell because the buttons on his shirt are just
         about to pop. You might wanna take cover. 

Al and Mike lean away as three 'pop' sounds are heard.

AL       Man, talk about the ugly underbelly of society.

MIKE     [turning off his camera] Alright, that's it. I'm outta here. I haven't been on a shoot
         this lame since "COPS in Amish County".

AL       You mean I'm not going to be on COPS??

RADIO    Any available unit: burglary in progress at 9766 Jeopardy Lane.

AL       Hey, that's my neighbor. That must be that punk who stole my bowling shirt.

Mike and Al get into the car.

MIKE     W-w-w-w-w-wait a sec. Aren't you gonna wait for your partner?

AL       If you were in trouble would you want me to wait for my partner?

MIKE     You specifically? Yeah.

AL       Strap yourself in, camera boy. We're going for a ride!

Al drives off quickly, as Officer Dan looks on, shrugs and continues eating his donuts.


SCENE SIX

Al, gun in hand, arrives at the D'Arcy's front door. He goofily gestures the camera to follow
him. He breaks down their front door and somersaults inside. The cuckoo clock chimes, so Al
shoots it. Al tumbles backwards over the sofa as the phone rings. Al shoots it. The answering
machine kicks in.

MACHINE  Hi, this is Jefferson.

Al shoots the machine once.

MACHINE  And Marcy.

Al shoots the machine multiple times.

MARCY    [o.s.] Officer! Officer!

Marcy and Jefferson come down in their nightclothes. Their wrists are tied together and cream is
spread on Jefferson's naked torso and both his and Marcy's mouths. They see Al's gun.

JEFFRSN  Don't shoot!

MARCY    We just saw the burglar run next door.

Al unties their hands.

MIKE     You mean he tied you up and smeared you with marshmallow fluff? Oh, that is sick.

MARCY    [guiltily to the camera] Yeah.

JEFFRSN  [guiltily to the camera] Pervert.

MARCY    Al, is that you? Why are you dressed as a...

Al quickly gives Marcy a shot of his stun gun. She falls to the floor.

AL       She was hysterical. Clearly needed to be subdued.

MIKE     Yeah, whatever you say, chief. But this is gonna look great on COPS.

JEFFRSN  Wait a minute. You mean, I'm gonna be on TV all covered in fluff?

Jefferson grabs the stun gun and stuns himself.

AL       Our work here is done. Let's go get that punk!

Al runs out heroically.


SCENE SEVEN

Back in the Bundy house, there is a party going on. There is a group of people including other
cab drivers in the house. Music plays. Kelly, standing on the stairs with the topless cab driver
sitting on the stairs, is dressed as a sexy nun. Sister Claire sits at the kitchen table with Bud. 

KELLY    Hey! Extra Extra Virgin Olive Oil now available virgin-free. [Kelly pours the oil on the
         cabbie's chest] Take some home tonight.

SISTER   This is Sodom and Gomorrah. And I am not hiring anymore of your harlot clients.

Sister Claire tears up a couple of the photos Bud has on the table.

BUD      Hey! Tina Yothers is not a harlot. She... she was the best thing on "Family Ties".

SISTER   I preferred Skippy! [gets up and approaches a cabbie on the couch] Young man, I insist
         you take me back to my hotel.

CAB #2  Thanks, but uh... you're not my type.

Al has caught the criminal (who's wearing a bowling shirt) and ushers him into the living room. 
Mike follows them and films everything.

AL       Got you, you dirtbag! [he tackles him to the floor and bashes his head in rhythm to his
         words] Give - me - back - my - bowling - shirt! [looks to the camera] Mike, you getting
         this? This is my good side...

Mike pans the camera up to see Sister Claire, with Kelly dancing behind her.

MIKE     Are you kidding? Nuns in an orgy? Do you have any idea what Hard Copy will pay for this? 

Marcy bursts in (her hair standing on end) with a real policeman.

MARCY    There he is, Officer. Arrest him!

AL       Yeah, book him.

MARCY    No, [points to the burglar] Not him. [points to Al] Him! He destroyed my home, he shot
         my cuckoo. He's not even a real cop.

BUD      Or a real father.

CABBIE   Not much of a host.

MIKE     Very photogenic.

AL       Doesn't it mean anything that I apprehended this vicious criminal?

COP      Yeah, it means you're going away for impersonating an Officer!

The policeman drags both the burglar and Al away. Marcy cackles, delighted.

MARCY    I hope you fry.

AL       Back at ya.

Al stuns Marcy with his stun gun again.

Sister Claire starts out.

SISTER   Officer! Can I have a ride?

BUD      [stopping her] Wait, wait, Sister... I just thought of the most brilliant idea. I have
         the perfect client for your olive oil.

SISTER   That's what you said before. 

BUD      No, no, but this time I'm telling you the truth. I mean, she's beautiful, her schedule
         is open and I promise you complete and total abstinence.
 

FLIP TO:

SCENE EIGHT

Peggy is the new Spokesnun.

PEGGY    So, use Extra Extra Virgin Olive Oil. It's one hundred percent pure. Like me.

SISTER   I can't believe it. You were right. She is perfect!

BUD      So the deal's still on?

SISTER   Absolutely.

They shakes hands.
The handsome male actor walks by and Peggy pinches his butt.

SISTER   NEXT!

BUD      Ma!!


EPILOGUE

Tina Yothers is talking to Bud.

TINA     What kind of agent are you? That commercial was perfect for me and you sent in your
         mother?

BUD      Tina, baby, I got bigger plans for you. 

TINA     Right, like that last great job you got me? Playing Pebbles in "Flintstones In The
         Park"?

BUD      You said you wanted to return to the stage. 

TINA     That was a lame gig. It rained all week and that bitch Dino kept trying to upstage me.
         I've had it with you. You're fired.

Bud follows Tina out.

BUD      Tina, I thought you were happy with me?

TINA     Bud, I'm sure this isn't the first time you've heard this. I faked it.

Tina leaves. Bud looks heartbroken.


THE END