Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy
Lucky the dog...........Lucky

Guest Cast:

Marianne Muellereile....Health Inspector



PROLOGUE

Peg is sitting on the couch. Al enters and sits next to her.

AL)    Okay, Peg. I tried to use our ATM card, I stuck it in, it spit it out... and it
       laughed at me.

PEGGY) Sound familiar? How many times have I told you, Al, you gotta stick it in the
       right way. And you know, pressing the right buttons wouldn't hurt either.

AL)    Peg, you've got to stop wasting all our money.

PEGGY) I'm not wasting it! I'm investing it.

Al picks up a box that contains some plates.

AL)    Yes, Peg, and nothing appreciates faster than these Little Rascals Last Supper
       Commemorative plates.

Peg grabs the plate from Al and admires it.

PEGGY) Doesn't Alfalfa make a haunting Judas? You know, these aren't available in any
       store.

Al picks up another plate

AL)    Whereas food, which often appears on a plate, is!

Al tosses the plate to the armchair. Peg runs over and picks it up.

PEGGY) Oh, forgive him, Buckwheat! He knows not what he does.

AL)    Peg, this home shopping has got to stop.

PEGGY) Okay, Al.

She puts down the plate and walks over to the front door.

AL)    Where are you going?

PEGGY) I am going to Shopaholics Anomynous.

AL)    Good!

PEGGY) First, I need a new dress.

She leaves. 
Kelly comes down the stairs.

KELLY) Hey, Daddy? I need a hundred bucks for something really, really, really important.

AL)    Now Pumpkin, you're not gonna buy another bridge, are ya?

KELLY) What would I do with six bridges? No, it's for my acting career. I'm taking an
       'improve' class. You know, improve-ization, where you make things up?

AL)    Why don't you make up a hundred bucks?

KELLY) Okay, great! 

She starts to leave, but stops.

KELLY) Wait a minute. How am I supposed to make up money I don't have?

AL)    Ask your mother.

Bud enters, in a happy mood.

BUD)   Great news, everybody! It's official!

KELLY) Oh. Illinois finally recognized the sacred bond between you and your hand.

Kelly starts her way upstairs and Bud calls out after her

BUD)   Just like the sacred bond between you and anyone with a shiny new penny!

Kelly gives him a dirty look and goes upstairs.

BUD)   Dad, I just got a big infomercial for my new client.

AL)    Hey now, does that mean that you're making money?

BUD)   Well, not like you tried to do with Kinko's.

AL)    Well, that would've worked if I'd sprung for the color copier.

BUD)   Well, I'm earning my money.

AL)    Well, if you're earning money that means you can pay some rent.

BUD)   [shocked] Rent!? 

AL)    Now, it was a different thing when you were in school, which by the way, I never
       approved of!

BUD)   Why me? Why don't you charge Kelly rent? Or Mom?

AL)    Well son, Kelly hasn't slept here in years! And if I tried to charge your mother
       rent, she might expect... thing.

BUD)   No way am I paying rent for that dump.

AL)    Well, then you know the drill, Bud.

Bud goes to the closet and takes out a stick with hankie tied on it. He gets ready to leave.

AL)    The best shopping carts are at Foodtown.

Bud leaves.


OPENING CREDITS


ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

Al is sitting on the couch, watching TV. Kelly comes downstairs. 

KELLY) Hey, Daddy... I need to do some homework for my Improve class. So give me a
       situaion.

AL)    [not taking his eyes off the screen] Daddy's watching the baseball game.

KELLY) Got it.

Kelly does a magnificent impersonation of Al. She hunches her shoulders, slumps onto the
couch and puts her hand down her pants. All the while making Al-type noises.

AL)    [sneakingly] Now Daddy's mowing the lawn.

KELLY) [still as Al] Damn lawn, damn kids, damn wife.

She gets up and walks like Al out the back door, passing Peg who is coming down the stairs.

KELLY) Forget it, Peg! No sex tonight.

PEGGY) Okay honey, just as well.

Peg sits on the couch next to Al.

PEGGY) Improv class?

AL)    Yes! Best money I ever spent. With all do respect to the My Three Sons Holy
       Trinity serving tray.

Bud enters with his hankie-on-a-stick. He is slightly dirty. Al gets up to meet him and
sees Kelly outside who is making Al-type noises while trying to get an imaginary 
lawnmower to work. Al salutes to her and she does an Al-type wave back.

AL)    Well, Son, where have you been?

BUD)   I slept in Lucky's dog house. Do you have any idea what it's like sleeping with
       someone who's constantly panting and licking you and wagging their tail all in
       your face?

AL)    [looking at Peg, who is picking her teeth] Welcome to my world, Son!

BUD)   This isn't fair, Dad. You didn't charge me anything when I lived upstairs.

AL)   Well, that's because it was a less desirable location! That was ah, near your
      mother!
    
BUD)   Alright. How much rent do you think would be fair?

AL)    Son! I've got that all figured out.

Al gets a folder from the drawer of the cupboard near the couch and sits next to Peg.

AL)    It's based on a very complicated formula that I've been working on since the day
       that you were born.
   
PEGGY) Oh, look, it's Bud's baby book!

Bud sits on the other side of Peg with a can of drink of and looks at the book.

BUD)   Hey, I didn't know you guys kept one of those for me.

AL)    Well, sure!

PEGGY) Awww, now look at this: Baby's First Expense. 

AL)    Yeah, one broken condom.

Al puts his arm around Peg memorably.

PEGGY) Look, Bud, your first pacifier!

Bud removes a brown sock from the book.

BUD)   A sock?

AL)    You know, I think if we'd given him a little more rubber when he was teething, he
       wouldn't be dating it now!

Peggy and Al laugh.

PEGGY) Oh look, Bud, your first words!

BUD)   [reading from the book] Bud need food... Bud want food... Ouch? 

PEGGY) Nobody likes a whiny baby, Bud.

Al laughs.

BUD)   Why aren't there any pictures of me in here?

AL)    Well, frankly, Son, you were one uuugg-ly baby!

Al laughs at Bud.
Peggy puts her arm around Bud.

PEGGY) Ohh! I thought you were beautiful.

AL)    Oh, come on Peg, you used to diaper his face!

PEGGY) Well, that's because he was colicky.

She puts the book on Al's lap, gets up and goes to the kitchen.

AL)    Ohh. It's all here. Every fond moment and every cent you cost me from the time 
       you were born.
 
Bud opens his can of drink.

AL)    One soda, that's sixty-five cents.

BUD)   You're still writing it all down?

AL)    Oh no, we're way beyond that.

Al picks up a scanner attached to the book and scans the barcode on the can. 
It makes a beeping noise.

BUD)   This is, this is insane! 

He puts down his drink and stands and walks to behind the couch and produces some papers
from his back pocket.

BUD)   Okay, okay, fine. I'll pay you two hundred a month. But I want to make it legal.
       Here's a check, and here's the receipt.

Al signs the paper.
Kelly is seen through the back door pushing the imaginary lawnmower past while making
lawmower noises.

AL)    That's a deal!

Al and Bud shake hands.

BUD)   Great, now that I'm paying you, you can make the repairs.

AL)    What repairs?

BUD)   Look, I know my rights. As you're legal tendant, I can report you to the housing
       authority. 

AL)    [standing] And as you're legal father, I'll give you five across the eyes!
       There's absolutely nothing wrong with that basement!


FLIP TO:

SCENE TWO

Al, Bud and a Health Inspector, with a clipboard and pen, are standing in the basement.

SPECT) This basement is condemned!

AL)    On what possible basis?

SPECT) For one thing, I'm standing in raw sewage.

AL)    Ma'am, you're control problems are not my concern.

SPECT) What about these rats?

AL)    Well, how, how, how did they get in here?

BUD)   They're trying to get out.

The inspector points to the fuse box.

SPECT) This wiring is clearly sub-standard!

AL)    What? That's impossible, I did the work myself.

Al touches the wires and gets electrocuted. Al moves away from the box in shock.

SPECT) Mr Bundy, you have a month to get this place in shape.

AL)    Well you've had your whole life to get in shape, you don't see me condenming you!

SPECT) [snapping her book shut] That's it!! Mr Bundy, you are a slumlord! And by the
       power invested in me, by the Department of Housing, you are confined to the
       basement 'til you agree to make repairs!

AL)    What?! Well, what if there's a fire? Those wires are clearly sub-standard!

The inspector gets a device out of her briefcase and clasps it around Al's neck.

AL)    Wha-what the hell are you doing?

SPECT) This is a mobility limitation device. It will prevent you from leaving the premises. 

AL)    Much like your hips at a turnstile.

The inspector puts a square-shaped electronic box on top of the fuse box on the staircase.

SPECT) If you come within two feet of this device or ten feet from it, you will be shocked!

She goes up the stairs and Al follows her.

AL)    Yeah, right! Like that scares me! Like this thing's gonna keep me in this hell
       hole!

Al gets too close to the box and it reacts with the wire around his neck, so he gets
electrocuted.
Bud then runs up the stairs to tease Al.
Al follows him but can't chase him because of more electrocutions.

BUD)   [teasing Al] Come on! Come get me! come on! Ha ha!

Bud leaves and Al slumps down on the bottom step.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Bud, Kelly and Al are in the basement.
Bud [equipped with pen, paper and a clipboard] and Kelly watch as Al [with the wire still 
around his neck] tries to grab some food with is just out of reach of the 10 feet he is 
allowed to get.
He has one hand extended to the food and the other hand is around his neck because of
the pain.
The is a sign and a walking cane next to Al. The sign says "POSSIBLE TOOL" - indicating
the cane. 
Al gets electrocuted, and it buzzes. And again.
Bud and Kelly study Al.

BUD)   Fascinating! Despite three hours of negative conditioning, the subject still
       continues to go for the food.

Al gets electrocuted again. In frustration he picks up the cane and breakes it over his knee.

KELLY) What an idiot. You know? I think Daddy needs some exercise.

BUD)   No. We are not letting him out.

KELLY) Oh, no, no, no. I was thinking of getting him one of those giant hamster wheels.

BUD)   Kelly, where do you think you're going to get one of those?

KELLY) Duh! At the Giant Hamster Store?

Kelly has a look of disbelief on her face. She mouths "Whatever" and goes upstairs. 
Bud writes down some notes about Kelly.

BUD)   [writing] Note to journal, regarding long term subject, IQ: still plummetting. No
       sign of bottom.

Bud walks over to Al.

BUD)   Dad, are you going to make the repairs?

AL)    No! You degenerate little ingrate!

BUD)   Hey, now! That language might have been okay when I was child, but now that I'm
       PAYING RENT, I expect to be treated like an adult.

AL)    An adult!? You still live at home!

BUD)   You still work at the mall!

AL)    Well, that must've paid off, because I'm up for assistant manager! If I can ever
       get out of here.

BUD)   Oh, you'll get out of here when you agree to make the repairs.

AL)    Maybe I can bribe my way out? [he gets some money out of his pocket] How 'bout a
       hundred bucks?

BUD)   That's Kinko's money, forget it.

Al gets more money out of his pocket.

AL)    Okay, two hundred?

BUD)   Three hundred.

AL)    No way! What do you think this stuff is free? Every hundred dollar bill cost 8
       cents!

BUD)   Where's the original?

AL)    Huh, I left the original in the... COPY MACHINE!!!

Al runs up the stairs but stops dead in his tracks because he gets electrocuted again.
He sits on the bottom step.
Bud writes down some more notes about Al.

BUD)   [writing] Idiocy: Obviously hereditary. [Bud thinks about what he said] In females.

Peg's voice comes from upstairs

PEGGY) Oh Al! You promised to take out the garbage!

AL)    Gee Peg, I'd love to. But one more shock and my liver will be medium-well.

PEGGY) Well, then who's going to rub my bottom?

Al laughs lightly.

AL)    Peg, I'm sorry, but the law's the law! I did the crime so I should do the time!

Bud gives Al a weird look.


SCENE TWO

Al is still in the basement, alone.
Jefferson is trying to climb through the small window at the back of the basement with
a wrench.

JEFF)  Al. Pssst.

Al gets up to meet.

JEFF)  I'm stuck!

AL)    Well, divorce her, just leave me out of it.

JEFF)  I came here to rescue you, but... [he looks up at the top corner] but there's a 
       really big spider coming right towards me!

AL)    Hey, getting stuck down here was the best thing that ever happened to me.

JEFF)  What are you talking about Al? This is a prison!

AL)    This isn't a prison, upstairs is a prison! That's hard-time! Wardon Red always
       threatening to stick me in the hot box.

Marcy's voice can be heard coming down the stairs

MARCY) Okay, so let me get this straight. Al is stuck down here...

Jefferson reacts by grabbing a poster of a girl in a bikini to hide his face. He
pokes out 
two holes in the breasts to see through. 

Al gets the wrench from Jefferson and slumps back to his seat.
Marcy and Bud are on the stairs. Marcy has something in her shirt pocket.

MARCY) ... And I get to torture him. [she chuckles] Here's another hundred. 

Marcy gives Bud some (real) money.

BUD)   Now, you enjoy yourself. But you have to be out by two. You'd be surprised at 
       how many people want to torture Dad.

MARCY) No, I wouldn't.

Bud approaches Al.

BUD)   So, Dad, you sure you're having fun?

AL)    Yep!

BUD)   Well, then. Let's play "Wheel Of Torture"! 

Marcy comes downstairs.

BUD)   Our first contestant hails from next door. She's a banker, an avid golfer and
       quite a screamer in bed.

Marcy gives Bud a look.

BUD)   When you live next door, you hear things.

Bud runs upstairs.

AL)    What's she going to do, Bud? Peck my eyes out? Sit on me till I crack?
       Oooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!
 
MARCY) Al, did I ever tell you how I became a feminist? It all started when I read "The
       Feminime Mystique" and threw away my ladyship.

AL)    That's two mistakes.

Marcy takes notice at the poster Jefferson is hiding behind.

MARCY) Have you ever noticed how the nipples on that poster seem to follow you around
       the room?

Marcy picks up a hammer.

MARCY) That is so degrading to women!

She throws the hammer at the poster and Jefferson moans in pain.

MARCY) Anyway, my true awakening occurred when I decided to take charge of my own
       orgasms. You know Al, how my womanhood blossomed.

AL)    Oh god, how my stomach is churning!

MARCY) You know, I couldn't have done it without the support of my women's group. [She
       sits in front of Al, facing him] One day, we all sat around in a circle, naked,
       but non-judgemental, and then all six of us pulled out our hand mirrors. And guess 
       what happened?

Al has a horrified look on his face.

AL)    [stuttering] For-forty-two years of bad luck?

Marcy takes the something out of her shirt pocket. It is a scroll of paper. 

MARCY) That day inspired an epic poem. [She unrolls the scroll and reads it] "I think that 
       I shall never see, my G-spots smiling back at me."

Al can't stand it and he bites down on the wrench.


SCENE THREE

Al is still in the basement.
The wrench now has a big bite mark in it and Al's jaw is in a locked position.
Bud comes downstairs.

BUD)   Whoa! Gotta give you credit, big guy. Can't believe that didn't break you.

AL)    You forget who I'm married to, Torture's my middle name.

BUD)   Well then, let's meet contestant number two. She's an aspiring actress, an annoying
       sister and she's just mastered the alphabet. Kelly Bundy, come on down!

Kelly, carrying a box, comes downstairs dressed like Pocohontas.

KELLY) Howgh!, Daddy.

BUD)   Kelly will now improv the history of United States. Enjoy!

Bud laughs.
Indian theme music is heard. 

KELLY) [as Pocohontas] Is that your real name, John Smith? Me thinkum this one big
       kiss-off.

She throws an axe and it hits Al. He is heard screaming.

KELLY) Sorry, Cheif Thunderpants.

The scene flips to Kelly now acting as another historical person. Relevant theme music
is heard.

KELLY) Ah, what a glorious day for our new country. We defeated the British and I have a
       new baby boy. [she mimes rocking a baby] I'm going to name him Bob Dole.

The scene flips again to Kelly on the stairs, dressed as Scarlett O'Hara from "Gone With
The Wind". Once again, relevant theme music is heard.

KELLY) [with an accent] General Sherman, you lit more than Atlanta on fire. As God as my
       witness, I shall never be horny again!

The scene flips one last time and Kelly is now dressed as an astronaut [Jim Lovell] from
the Apollo 13 spaceship.

KELLY) Houston! chooor. We have a problem! chooor. We can see Uranus! We seem to have an
       astroidal flare up! chooor. Hey! [she knocks on the side of her helmet] Is this
       thing on?

Al is trying to hang himself in the corner of the basement.


SCENE FOUR

The kitchen.
Peg and Kelly are sitting at the table eating popcorn. Bud comes out of the basement.

BUD)   He still won't make the repairs! He is so stubborn.

PEGGY) You should see him on bath night.

She laughs.

KELLY) Well, I did my best with the Chinese Daughter Torture.

PEGGY) Alright, somehow we've got to come up with the perfect torture for Daddy. Now
       what does he find really repulsive and unbearable?

As Peggy thinks, Bud and Kelly slowly turn their heads and look at her. She looks at
both of them.

PEGGY) Why are you looking at me?


SCENE FIVE

The basement.
Al is sitting on Bud's bed and has an electric drill in his ear. He takes it out and
looks at it. There is huge lump of wax on the end of it.

AL)    Boy, a couple of years, this stuff really builds up!

He puts down the drill and picks up a beer and a Big'Uns magazine. 
He takes a sip of beer.

AL)    Yeah, it's not half bad down here. A couple of repairs, a fellow could live down
       here.

As Al takes another sip of beer he hears a door creak open. The light dims and
suspensful music starts to play.

AL)    Who-who's there?

Al looks up at the top of the stairs. 
There is a giant silouhette of Peg there, just like in "Nosferatu". Al looks worried.
Peg slowly comes downstairs in her nightgown.

PEGGY) Oh Al. It's time for your CONGICAL VISIT.

Al tries to run away.

AL)    Okay, Bud, help me!

Al gets electrocuted as he ran too far away. Peg catches him and holds him by the collar. 
Al screams.

PEGGY) Shut up, Al! You're my bitch now!

Peg pulls Al to the floor with her, out of view.


SCENE SIX

Al is lying on the basement floor, in pain.

AL)    Oh, the horror. The horror! [he hears footsteps on the stairs] No, no, Peg, I
       can't! My knees are all skinned and bruised and I got a brimstone nail stuck in
       my butt!

Bud comes downstairs.

BUD)   Relax, Dad. 

He waves the keys he has in his hand. Al sits up so he can remove the wire.

AL)    Oh, Son. Say, get me out of this before that thing comes back!

BUD)   Okay, but you've got to promise to make the repairs. 

AL)    Okay, Son, you win. You win.

Bud looks at Al's neck.

BUD)   Gee, Dad, Mom left teeth marks all over your neck.

AL)    No, son, that was me, I tried to sever my own jugular. Damn clotting.

BUD)   Okay, I'll let you go, but you've gotta promise to give me a head start.

Bud removes the wire from Al's neck.

AL)    Sure, Son, what do you think I'm gonna do? Hunt you down like a dog and kill you?
       Sure, a normal father would do that, but we're Bundys.

BUD)   Oh God. What does that mean, you're gonna eat me?

Bud and Al sit on Bud's bed.

AL)    No, Son, I want to give you a pat on the back. See, Son, I never thought you took
       much after me, I always thought you were more of a Wanker than a Bundy.

BUD)   Why?

AL)    Well, your laziness, your sloping forehead, your... ability to catch flies with
       your tongue.

BUD)   This is what you call a pat on the back?

AL)    No, no, no, Son, see, you got mad like anybody would, but you got mad and EVEN.
       That's what makes you part of the grand Bundy Tradition. I'll never forget my 
       old man, sweet guy. Sold my schwin for the price of a drink. I was so mad at him,
       before he knew it, I enlisted him into the Army. But the time he came back from
       Korea, boy, he was so ticked off, good thing he was in wheelchair.

BUD)   [unmoved] Beautiful story, Dad.

AL)    The point is, I think deep down my dad was proud of me!

BUD)   He said that?

AL)    Well, not in so many words, but he blinked twice for 'yes'.

BUD)   So, you're saying you're proud of me for the way I tortured you?

AL)    That I am, Bud.

BUD)   Well, I guess I learn from the best.

AL)    Son!

BUD)   Dad!

They hug.

AL)    Hey, pal. What say we fix this place up together?

BUD)   Sure. But let's go get a burger first, okay?

AL)    Fine! On me.

BUD)   All right!

Al puts his arm around Bud and they start their way up the basement steps. 
Bud has Al's wire collar in his hand, so Al and Bud both get electrocuted.



THE END



DIRECTED BY: SAM W. ORENDER
WRITTEN BY: STEVE FABER & BOB FISHER
CREATED BY: MICHAEL G. MOYE & RON LEAVITT
CO-PRODUCER: MICHAEL GREENSPON
PRODUCED BY: JOHN MAXWELL ANDERSON

CREATIVE CONSULTANTS: ALAN EISENSTOCK & LARRY MINTZ
EXECUTIVE STORY EDITORS: STEVE FABER & BOB FSHER
STORY EDITORS: VALERIE AHERN & CHRISTIAN McLACHLAN
STORY EDITORS: ERIC ABRAMS & MATTHEW BERRY
CASTING BY: RICK MILLIKAN C.S.A.
"LOVE AND MARRIAGE" LYRICS BY SAMMY CAHN AND JIMMY VAN HEUSEN
                    PERFORMED BY FRANK SINATRA
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR: NANCY COHEN
STAGE MANAGERS: RICHARD DRANEY & STEPHANIE SCOTT
MUSIC BY: JONATHAN WOLFF
ART DIRECTOR: RICHARD IMPROTA
ASSISTANT ART DIRECTORS: HEATHER ROSS & ALEX FULLER
EDITED BY: LARRY HARRIS & LEE GRAY
PRODUCTION ASSOCATE: KITTY ROUKE
PRODUCTION COORDINATOR: CARL STUDEBAKER
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR: ROBERT A. BOWREN
PRODUCTION COORDINATOR: CARSON G. SMITH
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY: DAN KULETO
AUDIO: J. MARK KING, ROBIN STRICKLAND, SCOTT GLICKMAN & ALAN ZEMA
CAMERAS: STEVE CASALY, BETTINA LEVESQUE, JIM LUNSFORD, DENNIS TURNER
RE-RECORDING: ROY PAHLMAN & JOHN BICKLEHAUPT
PRODUCTION STAFF: PETER ALEXANDER, GARRY BOWREN, BERT L. COOK, CYNDI HOGLE, 
CHRISTY LATUSEK, BRANDON WAINWRIGHT
COSTUMES: MARTI M. SQYRES
PROPERTY MASTER: MICHAEL SEMON
MAKE-UP: KATHY ROGERS
HAIR STYLIST: DOTTIE McQUOWN
DOG TRAINER: STEVEN RITT
COPYRIGHT (C) 1996
ELP COMMUNICATIONS
All Rights Reserved
ELP Communications is the author of this film/motion picture for purposes of Article
15(2) of the Berne Convention and all national laws giving effect thereto.
COLUMBIA
a SONY PICTURES ENTERTAINMENT production