Regular Cast

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy
Lucky...................Lucky the Dog


Guest Cast

Harold Sylvester........Griff
Janet Carroll...........Gary
Teresa Parente..........Miranda Cardinal
Patrick t. O'Brien......Bob Thompson
Christopher Elwood......Delivery Guy
Lee Arnone-Briggs.......Woman Customer
Louisa Abernathy........Christy
Erick Vasques...........Immigrant Kid #1
Cherisse Ligot..........Immigrant Kid #2
Richard Ornelas.........Manny the Thug



PROLOGUE

Peggy walks into the kitchen to fill her coffee cup as Al comes downstairs. 

AL)     Big day today, Peg! I'm getting a raise!

PEGGY)  Al, you haven't had a raise since our honeymoon. And even that was below minimum. 

She sits on the couch.

AL)     What's for breakfast today, Peg? Scrambled nothing, or nothing over easy?

PEGGY)  You know, Al, I've been a little concerned about your cholesterol. So I've switched to
        nothing beaters. Besides, your pay check is so small, we can't afford the luxuries of
        life. 

AL)     [standing behind her] Gee, Peg, is a shotgun considered a luxury? 

PEGGY)  Maybe. But unlike you, Al, a shotgun can go off more than once a month.

AL)     Well, if I had something worth stuffing, maybe I'd take my gun into the woods more often!

Al leaves via the garage door.
Kelly comes running down the stairs in her dressing gown, looking for something.

KELLY)  Hey, Mom, have you seen my lucky audition blouse?

PEGGY)  What's it look like?

KELLY)  Uh, it's see-through. Oh, maybe that's why I can't find it.

The doorbell rings. Kelly opens it to reveal a delivery guy holding a microwave which has a big
bow on it.

GUY)    Hi there! I have a free gift for Peg Bundy, Home Shopper Of The Month.

PEGGY)  [running over to claim her prize] Ohh. Kelly, give the man a tip.

KELLY)  I, ahh, I get dressed with the curtains open every morning.

GUY)    I know. Why do you think I picked this route?

Kelly shuts the door. She walks over to the microwave sitting on the coffee table. 
Kelly and Peg walk around it a couple of times cautiously, studying the object. 
We hear the "Thus Spoke Zarathustra Op. 30" by Richard Strauss.

PEGGY)  What is it?

KELLY)  [reading the label] It's a microwave oven.

PEGGY)  What kind of cruel joke is this?? Send it back!

KELLY)  Wait, no, no, no. I've heard about these. Now, whenever you want hot food, all you have
        to do is press the buttons.

PEGGY)  Ohhh! So it's like the phone!

Kelly nods, then they both continue to walk around it, poking it and seeing if it will speak to
them. 


OPENING CREDITS


ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

The shoe store. 
Al and Griff are sitting in the chairs with no one else in the store. 

AL)     I'm telling ya, buddy, as hard as we work, we deserve a raise.

There are lots of women outside banging on the window. 

Someone outside)  LET US IN!!!

AL)     Ah, Griff, it's your turn.

GRIFF)  [sighs] Alright.

Griff gets up and wanders over to the door. Instead of opening it, he closes the blind so they
can no longer see the women. 
Gary comes in anyway, by unlocking the door. The other women follow.

GARY)   You know, I could get a trained chimp to do your job, and it'd be a waste of a perfectly
        good trained chimp.
 
AL)     Yeah, but it'd be such a nice vacation for him to get out of your bedroom.

GRIFF)  By the way, I think that is one lucky chimp.

Gary blushes.

GARY)   This year, we're going to have a sales contest. First place gets the raise. Second place
        gets a swift kick in the ass.

AL)     Why don't you give us a real incentive? Let the winner kick you in the ass.

GARY)   Instead of kicking my butt, you should be kissing it. 

AL)     Hey, what do you think I look like? Your monkey?

Gary leaves.

GRIFF)  That stinks.

AL)     Yeah, sorry; it's a tough break, buddy.

GRIFF)  What are you talking about?

AL)     Well, come on, Griff, you can't compete with my charm. I'm a natural born salesman!

A woman approaches the counter.

CUST)   Excuse me...

Al marches over to her.

AL)     Hey! Do I come and hag-shop bother you when you're working??

The offended woman leaves.

GRIFF)  This contest is no contest. You're going down, Bundy.

AL)     Let's rock, fat boy.

GRIFF)  Yo mama!

AL)     My wife!

GRIFF)  You win.

Griff leaves.
Al's smile fades.

AL)     [to himself] No, I don't.


SCENE TWO

The kitchen.
Bud is looking in the freezer; Peg and Kelly are looking at the new microwave. Kelly slaps her
hand on top of it in frustration.

KELLY)  Mom, I'm telling you this microwave is broken. I keep pressing the "popcorn" button and
        no popcorn's coming out.

PEGGY)  Well, try pressing "Lamb, Pork or Veal".

Kelly presses said button.

KELLY)  I wonder which one it will be?

Bud stares at them in disbelief.

BUD)    Excuse me, Betty and Moronica... You have to put food in it first.

PEGGY)  Then what good is it?

BUD)    Oh, look, wait, I found something way here in the back. [Bud pulls out his find from the
        freezer and looks at it sadly] It's a little turtle! 

KELLY)  Timmy Turtle??

Kelly takes Timmy Turtle from Bud and glares at Peg.

KELLY)  You said he went to go live on a farm, "where he had more room to romp and play."

PEGGY)  Well, honey, actually, uh, Timmy Turtle had a terrible disease and we decided to freeze
        him until we could find a cure.

KELLY)  He has no head, Mom!

PEGGY)  Well, that was his disease.

KELLY)  Well, do they have a cure for that yet?

BUD)    Oh, when they find a cure for that, you'll be the first to know.

Kelly kisses the turtle and Bud puts it back in the freezer.

KELLY)  See ya soon, Timmy.

Bud finds something else in the freezer.

BUD)    Oh look, here's a meatball.

PEGGY)  Oh, put that in. Come on.

The three of them hurry over to the microwave and pop the meatball in it. Bud turns it on.
Moments later, horror spread across their faces.

BUD)    Oh my God! That meatball has eyes!!

They continue watching. Two loud pops are heard. Kelly reacts the loudest, crying in despair.

KELLY)  AHH! TIMMY!!!

She runs off.
Bud and Peg continue watching the turtle head cook somewhat joyously.

PEGGY)  Well, that was fun.

BUD)    Yeah. Ooh, I wonder what a bigger head would do!?

Peg measures Bud's head with her hands.
Al's car is heard driving up.

PEGGY)  Oh, that's your father. Quick, hide the microwave. He smells turtle brains, he's gonna
        want dinner.

Bud takes the microwave away to hide it. Peggy quickly sits on the couch.
Al enters and sniffs the air.

AL)     Mmm mmm mmm. Something smells good.
 
He sits next to Peg.

PEGGY)  Gee, Al, I saw that on Oprah. Smelling things that aren't really there is the first
        sign of a brain tumor.

AL)     Gee, Peg, I thought that watching Oprah was the first sign of a brain tumor.

Al continues to sniff the air.


SCENE THREE

The shoe store. 
The sales contest has began. There is a sign outside the door that reads "45 Minutes to Griff"
and a long line of women are in queue, waiting to be served by him. Over the main register, a
sign is displayed showing Al's and Griff's sales totals. Griff's is way higher than Al's.
Meanwhile, Al is standing at his own register, with no one to serve.

AL)     No waiting at register two. [no response] Si habla Espanol? [no response] Free shoes!

A fat woman named Christy breaks out of line and approaches Al.

CHRIS)  Can you help me?

AL)     Madam, I would be delighted.

Christy holds up her foot.

CHRIS)  Do these shoes make me look fat? Be honest.

AL)     No, they make you look very... fat. [he slaps his forehead] I'm sorry, I'm new at this.
        May I add that's a lovely brooch... [restraining himself] Or is it... cud stain?

The embarrassed Christy leaves. Al knocks himself in the head again.
Griff dances around in a congratulatory way, holding a shoe above his head.

GRIFF)  Score one more for the Griff Express!

He slam dunks the shoe.

AL)     You know, Griff, because I respect our friendship, I'm willing to split that raise right
        now.

GRIFF)  Like I'm gonna fall for that.

AL)     Aw, come on, Griff! We oughta make Gary give us both a raise.

GRIFF)  How?

AL)     Well, she must she doing something illegal.

GRIFF)  Yeah, but will the monkey wear a wire?

An immigrant kid enters the store, wheeling a trolley full of shoeboxes. The boy has a hook in
place of his right hand.

KID 1)  Sign here please, for shoes from the sweatshop.

AL)     Uh, not now, kid, we're trying to blackmail someone.

KID 1)  Please hurry. If I am late getting back to the sweatshop, they'll make me watch
        "Caroline in the City".

GRIFF)  Kid, we're talking here.

AL)     Now, what can we blackmail Gary with?

The immigrant kid taps Al on the shoulder with his hook.

KID 1)  Excuse me, but I have to get back to Gary's Sweatshop.

Al snaps his fingers.

AL)     Hey, this kid just gave me a great idea!

GRIFF)  Long John Silver's for lunch?

AL)     No! Don't you get it? Sweatshop, blackmail. Gary's going down!

Al and Griff high-five. Then Al turns and high-fives with the immigrant kid only to get a
hook stabbing his hand.



ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Gary's Sweatshop: "Happy Soles Footwear".
The camera pans across the room full of immigrant workers. One Caucasian guy has a sign
around his neck that says "CANADIAN".
Jefferson and Al appear at the entrance. Al has a giant flower on his jacket.

JEFSN)  [whispering] Okay, we got the camera, the lapel mike, and the bullet-proof underwear.

AL)     Hey, you didn't tell me to bring any special underwear.

JEFSN)  Yours are already bullet-proof!

AL)     Right. Hey! This spy stuff makes me hungry. Did you bring the cheetos?

JEFSN)  No, too crunchy. [he fishes a packet of something from his pocket] I brought Gummi Bears!

Bud joins them. He is dressed like a Mexican, complete with sombrero.

BUD)    This is the most humiliating thing I have ever done!

AL)     You obviously don't remember your Little League tryouts!

JEFSN)  Is the sombrero-cam ready?

BUD)    Si.

Bud's sombrero camera shoots out of his hat.

AL)     Bud, go in there and get pictures of the horrible, squalid working conditions.

Bud walks into the room to investigate. The first sight he sees is a beautiful immigrant babe.
She drops something and bends over to pick it up. Bud takes lots of pictures.

AL)     Keep it in your hat, Budro.

The camera retracts. Bud walks off.

AL)     [to Jefferson, pointing to his flower] Now, I'm wearing a wire. I'll get this guy to
        incriminate himself.

JEFSN)  Alright. I'll go search the office for damaging evidence.

Jefferson sneaks off, but Al stops him.

AL)     Jefferson! [he shows two Gummi Bears to him] These two Gummi Bears are doing it!

They both giggle. Jefferson shushes Al and sneaks off. 
Bob Thompson enters from the back room and walks up to Al.

BOB)    Hi, I'm Bob Thompson. Welcome to Happy Soles Footwear. What can I do for you?

AL)     Uhh... Gummi Bear?

Bob takes the Gummi Bears Al offers him.

BOB)    Thank you.

AL)     I, uh, have an underage worker for you, are you... interested?

Bob, with his mouth full, nods.

AL)     So, you-you-you would be interested in exploiting this child in your highly illegal
        sweatshop.

Bob nods again. 

AL)     You wanna clarify that? 

Bob nods more clearly. Al speaks quietly into his mike.

AL)     He's nodding. [to Bob] Uh, so would you care to add anything before we strike this highly
        illegal bargain?

BOB)    [holding up two Gummi Bears] Yeah, these Bears appear to be doing it.

AL)     I said that! Hahahaha.

Bud is watching another beautiful sweatshop babe work. 
Manny the Thug walks up to Bud, grabs him and turns him around.

BUD)    HEY!

AL)     Who was that?

BOB)    That's Manny. He's our VP in human resources. He's in charge of orientation.

Manny picks up Bud and carries him out of the room. Bud mumbles some gibberish in a desperate
plea to be put down.

AL)     He seemed a little harsh.

BOB)    [giving Al some money] Well, uh, here's your finder's fee.

An electrocution noise is heard from the back room. Bud again cries out.

AL)     [sorting through the cash given to him] Well, spare the rod, spoil the child. Hey, are
        you interested in buying an older redhead? Now she's not a good worker, but she's good
        breeder. I wouldn't breed her, but somebody could.

BOB)    Sorry, but we're full out. Pleasure doing business with you.

AL)     Yeah, uh, you too. [stopping Bob from leaving] Hey, uh, in the future, uh, if I should
        come here for my sweatshop needs, should I go directly to you or to your boss, [bringing
        the flower closer to his mouth] Gary. From Gary's Shoes.

BOB)    Whatever.

Bob leaves.

AL)     He said "whatever." Bingo!

Jefferson comes out of the backroom and shows Al some paperwork.

JEFSN)  Al, Al. Look at the slave wages they pay these poor people.

AL)     They make more than me!! And they get gruel!

Al and Jefferson leave.
A slap is heard from the back room.

BUD)    Daddo! Helpo! Lots of bloodo!


SCENE TWO

Al and Griff are in the shoe store. Gary enters, as though she's having beauty treatment done.
 
GARY)   Alright, you chuckleheads, this better be good. I'm in the middle of a facial.

AL)     Well, turn around, let's see how it's going.

GRIFF)  Look. We know you run a sweatshop.

AL)     And! [gets the paperwork] We've got the proof.

GARY)   Alright, you caught me with my pants down.

AL)     Hey, enough about your facial. Now, we have demands. We want shorter working hours.

GRIFF)  Al, that means you'd have to spend more time at home.

AL)     We demand longer working hours!

GRIFF)  No we don't. We want money.

GARY)   Okay, you've got me over a barrel.

AL)     Hey, who's blackmailing who here?

GARY)   What I'm saying is that you can have anything you want.

Al and Griff huddle together away from Gary to discuss, then run back to her.

AL)     Two hundred and fifty bucks!

GARY)   Each?

Al and Griff run away to discuss again, then come back.

AL)     Yes!

GARY)   I'll bring you the money tomorrow.

AL)     Todayyy!

GARY)   Okay, but I'll have to miss my electrolysis.

Al and Griff almost run off to discuss again, but don't need to this time.

AL)     Tomorrow.
GRIFF)  Tomorrow.


SCENE THREE

The Bundy living room.
Peggy and Kelly are sitting on the couch, eating. 
The microwave is sitting on the coffee table, cooking something. The women watch it.

PEGGY)  It's almost ready.

Kelly starts comparing her watch to the microwave.

KELLY)  Mom... Mom, look at the clock. I think we're going backwards in time!

PEGGY)  Well, maybe it can take us back to before I met Al.

KELLY)  But then I wouldn't have been born.

PEGGY)  Not necessarily.

Kelly sniggers to Peg. Al's car is heard driving up again.
Peggy and Kelly start frantically hiding all the food.

PEGGY)  Oh, there's your dad. Hide the microwave.

KELLY)  Where?

PEGGY)  Uhh, put it on my side of the bed. Lord knows he'll never find anything there.

Kelly hears Al approaching, so opts to quickly jump into the closet with the microwave. 
She manages to close the door just as Al enters. He again sniffs the air. 
He sits on the couch next to Peg.

AL)     You know, Peg, I swear I smell food. Now you haven't been eating around on me behind my
        back, have you?

PEGGY)  Al, I can't even breathe behind your back.

The microwave is heard dinging.

AL)     Hey, what is that? I heard a ding!

PEGGY)  Uhh, ringing in your ears. It's the second sign of a brain tumor. You must be terminal.

AL)     Peg, you don't have to cheer me up, I've had a great day.

There is a knock at the door. Al answers it to Marcy and Jefferson. 
Marcy is holding a plate of uncooked chicken.

AL)     Oh, Marcy, congratulations. I didn't know you were expecting.

Jefferson laughs. Marcy glares at him.

MARCY)  [choosing to ignore Al] Peggy, my oven is on the fritz and I was hoping you could warm my
        giblets?

Peggy takes the chicken into the kitchen.

AL)     I thought that was your husband's unfortunate job.

JEFSN)  No, it's my job to stuff the bird.

Al laughs.

MARCY)  You know Al, there are so many things I could point out right now -- your receding
        hairline, your depraved children...

PEGGY)  Your chronically unsatisfied wife.

MARCY)  Thank you, Peggy. But I just think I'll just keep it simple. You're a shoe salesman.

AL)     Make that "shoe salesman - slash - extortionist."

JEFSN)  Al's boss runs an illegal sweatshop, and he's blackmailing her.

Peggy walks over to Al.

PEGGY)  Al Bundy, I have never been so ashamed of you. Well, except for last night. Well, we'll
        just keep that between ourselves. Which was something you weren't able to do. But let's
        not get into it. Which, you know, you also had trouble with...

AL)     Okay, Peg!

PEGGY)  Alright, I'm sorry, Al. I won't bring it up again. Of course, "up"...

Al slaps his hand over Peg's mouth to shut her up.

MARCY)  Al Bundy, you are a despicable human being!

Jefferson laughs. Marcy ushers him out.

MARCY)  And you, Jefferson, will be slaving away in your own little sweatshop tonight!

They leave.

AL)     Well, Peg, since my ship came in, I'm going out. Think I'll bowl a few frames.

Al goes to open the closet Kelly is hiding in. Peggy quickly runs and stands in front of Al,
blocking the door.

PEGGY)  Uhh, honey... Why don't you just stay home and bowl me over?

AL)     Because, Peg, I prefer a place where my balls are returned properly.

Al pushes Peg out of the way. He opens the closet door to find Kelly cringing inside. 
She tries to act natural.

AL)     Hi, Pumpkin.

KELLY)  Hey, Daddy.

AL)     What are you doing in the closet?

KELLY)  This isn't the closet, this is the, uhh... [the microwave dings] ...the elevator!

Kelly presses an imaginary button on the side wall. Peggy walks into the closet with Kelly.

PEGGY)  Going up!

Peggy closes the door. Al looks flabbergasted.

AL)     This day just keeps getting better and better.

Al puts a chair in front of the closet door to lock his wife and daughter in.


SCENE FOUR

In the shoe store, Al and Griff are throwing some shoes out the door.

AL)     Beat this: Over the fountain, off The Gap sign, and right into that woman grazing the
        Hickory Barns sample barrel.

GRIFF)  What do I get if I knock the salami out of her mouth?

AL)     A grateful salami.

Griff tosses the shoe out the door. It hits someone and they yelp.

AL)     Hey, no fair banking it off her forehead.

GRIFF)  Oh my God! It's Gary!

Gary comes into the store, holding her head and carrying the shoe Griff threw.

GARY)   Which one of you morons threw this shoe?

AL)     He did.
GRIFF)  He did.

GARY)   Alright, you idiots. [gets some money from her jacket] Here's your hush money, where's
        the evidence?

Gary gives Al and Griff their money carefully as they pass over the evidence. Al looks at his
money.

AL)     Hey, this is fake money. There's no such thing as a hundred dollar bill!

Marcy enters, followed by a camera man, some immigrant kids and Miranda Cardinal.

MARCY)  There they are!

Al looks dumbfounded. Miranda starts her news broadcast.

MIRNDA) This is Miranda Vera Cruz De La Hoya Cardinal. Thanks to news tipster Marcy D'Arcy,
        [Marcy leans in the camera shot] We have just discovered that Gary's Shoes uses sweatshop
        labor. And, if that isn't bad enough, these shoes are hideous and poorly constructed.

Al walks over to Gary, who is trying to go unnoticed.

AL)     Speaking of hideous and poorly constructed... meet Gary, owner of Gary's Sweatshop.

MIRNDA) You're the one who's exploiting these children? Tsk tsk tsk. What have you got to say for
        yourself?

GARY)   [faking sadness] You can say I'm ugly. You can say I'm untalented. But don't you dare say
        I don't care about the children!

Gary grabs Al and Griff's money out of their hands and gives it to the immigrant kids.

KID 2)  Frank Gifford gave us more.

AL)     That's my money! I blackmailed that money fair and square!

MARCY)  Give up, Al!

AL)     [into the camera] Hey, what about me? Huh? I'm exploited. I'm, I'm overworked, under
        paid, and malnourished... and I've got a brain tumor!

Miranda and her cameraman leave.

MARCY)  Al, three things. First - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Second - to have a brain tumor, you have to
        have a brain. And third - this is not about you. This is about these poor, victimized
        children.

The immigrant boy with the hook runs over to hug Marcy, but she stops him.

KID 1)  Thank you, signora!

MARCY)  Oh, watch the hook, Paco. This is cashmere.

Marcy walks out proudly. The immigrant kids follow her.

GARY)   Oh, thanks, idiots. I couldn't buy publicity like this.

AL)     So you're gonna give us the raise?

GARY)   Forget it. Since I've been busted, I'm cutting your salaries in half. Back to work,
        morons.

Gary leaves.

GRIFF)  You heard the man. [he gives Al a shoe] Back to work.

AL)     [walking over to the door] Across the Orange Julius, to the Sunglass Hut, to the
        Nordic track store, and right up Gary's monkey lovin' butt!

Al throws the shoe out the door.


EPILOGUE

Text on screen: SIX MONTHS LATER

Bud is still in the sweatshop, using a sewing machine. He has a hook for a hand. He holds up a
distasteful high-heeled shoe.

BUD)    What kind of trashy tramp would wear these?

The Bundy house.
Peggy is sitting on the couch, twitching her leg and reading TV Guide. She is wearing the exact
same shoes as the ones Bud made. On the floor is the box from which the shoes came. On the
inside of the lid is written: "!HELP ME! BUDRO".



THE END


DIRECTED BY  AMANDA BEARSE
 WRITTEN BY  MATTHEW BERRY & ERIC ABRAMS
 CREATED BY  MICHAEL G. MOYE & RON LEAVITT
CO-PRODUCER  MICHAEL GREENSPON
PRODUCED BY  JOHN MAXWELL ANDERSON
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER  PAMELA EELLS