Regular cast:

Ed O'Neill...............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal..............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse............Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate......Kelly Bundy
David Faustino...........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley.............Jefferson D'Arcy
Lucky the Dog............Lucky

Guest cast:

Harold Sylvester.........Griff
E. E. Bell...............Bob Rooney
Tom McCleister...........Ike
Ron-Ann Frey.............Sally
Larry McKay..............TV Announcer



PROLOGUE


Peg is sitting on the couch, surrounded by food. 
Al comes downstairs and sits next to her as he speaks. 

AL      Peg, you know I'm not one to beat around the bush, unless, of course, you're in it. So
        I'll make this fast.

PEGGY   Like you know any other way.

AL      Now, I'm planning a get together for the guys and you're going to help me.

PEGGY   Oh, god, Al! Didn't I just get all dressed up to go to some tired party and impress your
        friends?

AL      That was the Senior Prom, Peg. And you were only in your dress for 20 minutes! Now,
        there's a big wrestling match on cable Saturday night.

PEGGY   Is it Pay Per View?

AL      No.

PEGGY   It is now. [she holds out her hand]

AL      [standing] Oh come on, Peg. You want me to look stupid in front of my friends?

PEGGY   The same friends who used silly putty to give Nancy and Sluggo hooters?

AL      Well, at least those hooters were fun to play with.

PEGGY   Look, Al, it's not that I don't want to help you, but I'm very busy. You think I just sit
        here all day long?

AL      No, no, Peg, no. From the potholes in the couch, I say you sit here [points to one side
        of Peg] and you sit here! [points to other side, then leaves] 

PEGGY   I don't sit there! That's where I put my food.


OPENING CREDITS


ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

Peggy is still on the couch, watching TV. She picks up something edible.

PEGGY   Mmmmmmmm, caramel corn on the cob. [Licks it twice] Hmm. Needs more butter.

She puts it down and looks at TV.

TV      Today on Oprah: A Clean House is a Safe House.

PEGGY   Yeah, right!

Peggy gets up, slips on a bon-bon and gods knows what else, and falls to the ground, unconscious. 

A short time lapse. 

Lucky licks the something on the ground and walks past. 
Peggy gets up, holds her head, looks dazed, then collapses onto the couch, passed out.
 
Another time lapse.

Al enters and Peggy is still unconscious. Al doesn't notice.

AL      I'm home! Oh, Peg, no, don't get up... What's that? A beer? Sounds good! [pauses] No,
        let me get it. [he walks past her] Way to homemake, Peg. Ooh. [he spots spilled popcorn
        on the floor, picks some up and eats it, then goes to the fridge] What am I complaining
        about? There's food in the house and your mouth is shut.

Bud and Kelly enter, in bad moods. Bud takes off his coat. He stops Kelly and she turns to face
him; behind the couch.

BUD     Ah, Ah, Ah, Ahem! And for future reference, the next time a producer asks you what your
        method is, please don't say The Sponge.

KELLY   Well, at least my form of birth control isn't Miss Piggy sheets!

BUD     I do not use Miss Piggy sheets!

KELLY   Yes you do! 

They continue to argue loudly. 

AL      Kids, keep it down! Keep it down! Your mother needs her rest. The house is a mess, the
        family's starving. Her work here is done.

BUD     Hey, Mom doesn't look so good.

AL      You should see her without her mask.

BUD     And look at this TV Guide... [shows it] The last chocolate stain was at three o'clock 
        today. She's obviously been unconscious for hours!

KELLY   Hey, look! There's a dent in the coffee table like it's been hit by a big, hard hair-do.

AL      Listen Nancy Drool and Hardly Boy... it's impossible for your mother to have fallen. 
        'Cause that would mean at some point she'd must've been standing!

KELLY   Mom stands! I saw her the other day.

AL      That was just to shake the crumbs out of cleavage.

KELLY   Hey, look. A bonbon stain.

BUD     Mom must've slipped on one.

Al and Bud both dive for the uneaten bonbon. Al gets it first and sits on the armchair.

AL      Nice try, punk.

KELLY   Hey, Mom needs one of those guys, you know, the ones that make you take your clothes off
        when you go into their office.

BUD     The Principal?

AL      Look, your mother doesn't need a doctor, she's breathing, she's fine. [sits on armchair]
        Now relax, and let Daddy enjoy his weekend. 

He kicks off his shoes. The stench is so powerful it awakens Peggy. She looks around cautiously,
then at Al.

PEGGY   Am I in hell?

AL      No Peg, if you were in hell, you'd be on the throne and the devil would be packing.

PEGGY   [looking around] Who are you people? I don't recognise you at all.

AL      [thinks about this] Well, in that case, [picks her up] Thanks for stopping by.
	
Al leads Peg to the door. He stops to get a pink suitcase from the closet.

PEGGY   I don't even know who I am. I don't know anything!

AL      [Handing her the suitcase] The only thing you have to know is Route 55, the quickest way
        out of town.

KELLY   Oh my God. Mom has Indonesia.

AL      Now Kelly, don't bother the nice lady, she's just on her way out.

PEGGY   Where am I going?

AL      You're going to see your going to see your family. You seem to be a very nice person...
        have a nice life.

KELLY   Oh no. Now Dad's got it! [to Peg] No, no we're your family. [Peg, Kelly and Bud	sit on
        the couch] See, I'm your daughter, Kelly, and this is your son... Quasimodo.

BUD     Speaking of humps, why don't we tell Mommy your nickname? The Little Fur Maid.

PEGGY   You know, I don't remember any of you. But, if you say you're family, I guess it's true.

AL      Why would we lie about something the courts have ruled on repeatedly?

BUD     Feeling better, Mom?

PEGGY   Well, Quasi, my head kind of hurts. And I'm starving. Aren't you guys hungry?

Al, Kelly, Bud all mutter in agreement.

PEGGY   Well, why don't I make some dinner then? 

Peggy goes to kitchen. Kelly stands.

KELLY   Mom's cooking? I'm going to call the doctor.

AL      [Raises a hand to stop Kelly] Touch that phone, I'll kill ya!


SCENE TWO

Bud and Kelly are sitting at the table. Al stands in front of them with a board that says
"PEG'S SCHEDULE". 

AL      Kids, now that we've retrained Mommy, I've come up with a plan that will maximise her
        productivity. There are 3 of us. And Mommy can only work 24 hours a day.

KELLY   Why?

AL      [Ignoring her; to Bud] There are 2 of us. So let's divide this up evenly. I get Mommy for
        23 hours [puts an "Al's" sign in the 23-hour section], and you get her for 1 [he places 
        a "kids" sign in the 1-hour gap].

BUD     That's not fair! I love Mommy more.

KELLY   No, I love Mommy more!

AL      But I'm the only one who HAD to love Mommy.

BUD     There's not even time for Mom to go to bed.

AL      Now you see the brilliance of my schedule.

KELLY   Hey, you guys should see how clean Mom got the bathroom upstairs. Did you know that 
        there's a window above the sink?

BUD     Kel, there's no window in the bathroom.

KELLY   Yes there is! It looks into the house across the street. There's this girl there who 
        looks exactly like me. Every time I look over there, she's always staring at me. Maybe
        she's a lesbian.

Al puts his hands to his head in dispair.

BUD     Maybe she's an idiot.

KELLY   She does have this really stupid look on her face. Come on, I'll show you. [She and Bud
        get up] Oh, I hope she's home! 

They go upstairs.
Peggy enters with two grocery bags. She is now wearing more traditional housewife clothes.

PEGGY   Hi, Al. [Goes to kitchen] I got all the stuff for your wrestling party. Oh, except those
        special french fries that you love. [she takes things out of the bags as she speaks] I
        thought I'd just crinkle cut them myself, is that okay? 

AL      Well, I'll let it slide, Peg, since you're still recovering.

PEGGY   You know, I am a little tired. Are you sure that I don't sleep at all? Ever?

AL      It's odd, isn't it?

Peggy opens a cupboard to reveal cobwebs and a flapping bat. She closes it and puts the box on
the counter.
 
PEGGY   Well. There's just so much to relearn. But I think I've got it, though. I love house-
        keeping; I hate shopping, except for groceries; oh, and I can't stand that stupid Oprah
        Winfrey Show.

AL      [looking smug behind her] Very good, honey. But there's just one more thing. You hate 
        sex. Don't want it, have no use for it. I know it's tragic, but I've learned to live with
        it many years ago.

PEGGY   And that's why you have to go to the Jiggly Room.

AL      That's it! To spare you.

PEGGY   Al, you're such a good husband. You've been so patient with me. And I got you a copy of
        Big'Uns. [she gives it to him] I cut out all the articles so they won't slow you down.

AL      [flicking through it] Oh baby! You're the greatest.
 
They smile.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Al is sitting at the kitchen table holding up a crinkle-cut fry and is staring at it in awe. In
his other hand is a roll. 

AL      How does she get them so crinklelicious? I could really learn to love that woman.

Kelly comes down the stairs.

KELLY   Hey, Daddy? You, ah, you might not remember this, [sits on the chair] but before your
        accident, you promised me a new car.

AL      Pumpkin, you may not remember this, but MOMMY is the vegetable in the family.

KELLY   Oh. Oh, right. DUH.

She starts her way upstairs.

AL      Well, the other one.

The doorbell rings.

AL      Pumpkin, can you see who's at that door?

Kelly stops at the foot of the stairs and squints at the door.

KELLY   No. Eugh, maybe I need glasses.

Al throws his head down on his plate in disbelief. 
Jefferson enters and shuts the door behind him.

JEFF    OK, Al! I'm here. [sniffing the air] Hey, hey. Do I smell... food?

AL      [walking over to him] Jefferson, my man, I've got more food stuck in my teeth than my
        colon's seen in many a year!

JEFF    Thanks for sharing that, Al.

AL      Oh, I'm not sharing it.

JEFF    You seem happy, Al.

AL      It's a miracle, buddy. Behold. [calls] Oh Peg!

Peggy comes down the stairs, wearing an apron and carrying a pair of gloves.

PEGGY   Excuse me while I just rinse out these gloves. Y'know, despite what a good housekeeper I
        am, that shower drain was just filthy.

Peggy goes into the kitchen.

AL      There's a drain?

JEFF    What's going on?

AL      [quickly] Oh, ah, head injury, amnesia, reprogramming, crinkle fries, don't tell Marcy. 
        Oh Peg! [Peg enters with a tray of food] Peg, this is our next door neighbor, Jefferson.

PEGGY   Oh, yes, the free loading gigolo. Would you like to try some baloney I made from scratch?
        It's part of a cavalcade of cold cuts I'll be serving at Al's wrestling party.

JEFF    Is that baloney carved in the shape of Hulk Hogan?

PEGGY   Well, nothing's too good for my Al. Speak of which, I'm about to do another load of
        underwear. Did you give me all your yellows?

AL      Sure did, honey!

Peggy hands them the tray and she disappears into the kitchen and laundry area. 
Al and Jefferson go to the couch, snaking on the cold cuts.

JEFF    Hey, where do I have to hit Marcy to make her like that?

AL      Just hit her in a new place everyday!

They sit on the couch as Marcy enters angrily.

MARCY   Jefferson! You worthless kabana boy. I told you 6 times to wash the Mercedes and it's
        still filthy! [stops to sniff the air] Is that pine freshness? [moves her feet around]
        Hey, my shoes aren't sticking. What's going on?

Peggy enters the lounge with a basket of laundry.

PEGGY   Someone else here?

AL      [getting up] No, not really, Peg. [fumbles around in his pockets] I was a just ah, just
        tipping the paper boy. [slaps some money in Marcy's hand] Thank you, Sonny!
	
Al leads Marcy out of the house.

PEGGY   [puts the basket down] Now don't be rude, Al! Perhaps the paper boy would like some home
        made Peach Cobbler?
 
MARCY   OK. I know I'm not in a parallel universe here, because Jefferson would be working, and
        Al's fly would be zipped. [Al zips up his fly] So what the hell is going on here?

PEGGY   Oh, it's very simple. I bumped my head, now my loving husband Al is helping me regain my
        former personality.

MARCY   Really? 

AL      Here we go.

MARCY   Al, you monster! Look, Peggy. There's something you have to know.

AL      [cutting in] Yes, there is, Peg. Among other things, you love to wash and detail cars.
        Especially Mercedes’. Right, Marcy?

Marcy stares at Al for a few moments.

MARCY   Right!


SCENE TWO

The D'Arcy's driveway.  
Peggy is scrubbing Marcy's Mercedes with a toothbrush. Marcy comes out of her front door. 

MARCY   Oh Peggy, you don't have to do that. Oops, chamois-glint.

PEGGY   [rubbing it off] Sorry. Oh, and I'm sorry I didn't finish reglazing your bathtub. I'll do
        it when you're sleeping. Do you sleep? 'Cause Al said good women don't.
 
MARCY   Oh, Peggy, I can't go on lying to you like this. Look Peggy, Al has brain-washed you. You
        are not cheerful, tidy and hard working, you are rude, mean and sloppy. You're a horrible
        wife, a worse mother and proud of it!

PEGGY   I beg your pardon??

MARCY   Peggy, I say this with love. [pauses] You're the laziest bitch in Chicago.

PEGGY   And you are a bitter woman, Marcy D'Arcy. You see my loving, picture-perfect family, and
        suddenly your pretty boy husband and foreign car don't seem too spiffy, do they! Well,
        your jealous lies aren't going to get to Mrs. Al Bundy. Good day!

Peggy starts to walk away.

MARCY   Oh, but Peggy!

PEGGY   And for future reference, my Al prefers his paper on the porch, not in the bushes.
        Remember that or we'll tell your supervisor!

Peggy grabs her gloves and walks away.


SCENE THREE

Al is sitting on the couch eating something from a bowl. Peggy enters through the front door,
having just come from the D'Arcy's. 

AL      Hey! Nice job pealing these grapes, Peg.

PEGGY   Al, I have been lied to and manipulated!

AL      [standing] I can explain, Peg!

PEGGY   I can't believe what Marcy just said. How can anyone be so vicious and cruel!

AL      She lies, Peg! She lies!

PEGGY   I know, Al. She's trying to tear apart our happy family. You know, I think she wants you.
 
AL      She has been stalking me, Peg. You may have kill her, there's a chainsaw in the garage. 

PEGGY   Oh Al, I'm so mad. I'm just so mad I could... BAKE!

She pushes Al out of her way and goes to the kitchen; he falls on the couch.

AL      May I suggest Pudding in a Cloud?


SCENE FOUR

The wrestling party in the Bundy living room. 
All the No Ma'am members are there. Al enters from the kitchen with a beer.

AL      Boys! The little woman is bringing plenty more.

GRIFF   So you finally dumped Peg, huh?

AL      Better. I tamed the shrew!

Peggy comes down the stairs wearing a black dress and an apron.

PEGGY   Welcome everyone. 

Everyone stares at Peggy.

PEGGY   What's wrong? Do I need to freshen the Weenie Tots? 

AL      No, No, everything's great, honey!

BOB     Yeah, it sure is, Peg. Say, how did you get these margaritas so frothy?

PEGGY   Well, I had this battery operated cocktail-stirrer.

BOB     Ah! 

Bob Rooney takes a sip.

PEGGY   I found it in my nightstand.

Bob Rooney immediately spits it out. Ike takes a big drink. Peggy goes into the kitchen. 
Jefferson enters with a hot babe (Sally) in a bikini.

JEFF    There we are.

IKE     Wow! Look what happened to Marcy!

BOB     I don't know what you guys are doing, but please come do it to my wife!

JEFF    This isn't Marcy. This is Sally. She's going to be our Ring Girl for the evening.

GRIFF   What's going on here? 

BOB     Al, I hate to accuse you of this, but did you sleep with Peggy?

AL      Are you kidding, that would violate our first commandment!

All the No Ma'am members stand and raise their arms after placing them on their hearts.

NOMAAM  Thou shalt never consort with thou own wife!

They sit.

IKE     Oh, look, the underdog's starting, everybody!

The guys watch the TV. Sally hold up "Round One" signs and walks around the room. One of the
signs is upside down.
 
IKE     I think you better re-arrange those.

Sally hands the cards to Griff, turns around, adjusts her breasts and turns back around again.

SALLY   How's that?

NOMAAM  Ooh, better, better. Much better.

Sally walks around the couch - now with both signs upside down - and everyone except Al watches
her.

JEFF    Oh Al. She's everyman's fantasy, huh?

AL      [looking at Peggy] She sure is.

Al goes to the kitchen, where Peggy is preparing something.

AL      Hey, Peg, whatcha doing?

PEGGY   Greasing my muffin tins.

Peggy goes to fridge and back.

AL      [following her] Hey, can I grease a couple?

PEGGY   Thanks honey. But y'know, you have to spread them just right or they won't rise.

AL      Well, that's not going to be a problem...

Ike runs into the kitchen.

IKE     Come on, Al. Fast Schnoopy Schwartz just bit the knobs off the Human Trash Compactor.

AL      [ignoring Ike] Well, you sure know your way around a rolling pin.

PEGGY   Oh it's easy, Al. You just grab it with both hands and go back and forth [both are slowly
        moving back and forth in rhythm] back and forth...

AL      [snatching the rolling pin from Peggy] Peg, you're driving me crazy, let's go upstairs.

PEGGY   Al, you're terrible! We're hosting a party. And besides, you told me that I don't like
        [whispers] sex.

AL      I'll make it quick.
 
Al leads Peggy upstairs, sneaking past the others. Sally is sitting on Griff's lap.

SALLY   Wow. You just got out of prison? [Griff nods] That means, [putting her arms around his
        shoulders] you haven't had sex in a long time.

GRIFF   Well, nothing that I care to discuss.

The others edge away from him. We hear Al and Peg's voices from upstairs.

PEGGY   [v.o.] Oh, Al!

AL      [v.o.] Oh, yes!

Jefferson switches off the TV.

NOMAAM  Oh, yuck!

PEGGY   [v.o.] Oh, Al!

AL      [v.o.] Oh, Yes!

PEGGY   [v.o.] Oh, Al!

The Real Peg returns.

PEGGY   OHH, AAAAAAAALLLLLL!!!

A crashing noise is heard, then Al runs down the stairs.

AL      Oh no! She's back! Grab your Weenie Tots and run for your lives! 

No Ma'am and Sally run desperately out of the house. Peggy follows Al down the stairs.

BOB     Open the door, Jefferson!

Al and Peggy stop at the foot of the stairs.

PEGGY   I'm gonna kill you. How could you brainwash me? I can't believe I actually cooked and
        cleaned and CRINKLED! Al Bundy, I feel so violated!

AL      [pretending] Al Bundy, is that my name? Who are you? Gosh, you're a pretty woman.

PEGGY   Nice try, Al. There is only one punishment severe enough for you!

AL      No smiley face on my omelette tomorrow?

Peggy shakes her head.

AL      No omelette, just toast?

Al starts backing up the stairs. Peggy steps towards him, shaking her head.

AL      No toast at all???

PEGGY   [pointing] Upstairs!

AL      [backing up the stairs] Why, Peg? There's no, there's no food upstairs!

PEGGY   Oh, don't worry, Al. When I'm done with you, you won't have any appetite at all!
  
AL      [screaming for mercy] I KNOW!

Peggy pushes him upstairs.


EPILOGUE

Bud is sitting on the couch, reading a magazine. Kelly enters.

KELLY   Hey, Bud. I'd like you to meet the girl next door.

Another girl who looks exactly like Kelly comes in and stand next to her. 
Bud looks absolutely flabbergasted. The two Kellys study each other.


THE END



EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: PAMELA EELLS
DIRECTED BY: AMANDA BEARSE
WRITTEN BY:  VALERIE AHERN & CHRISTIAN McLAUGHLIN
CREATED BY:  MICHAEL G. MOYE & RON LEAVITT
PRODUCED BY: JOHN MAXWELL ANDERSON
CO-PRODUCER: MICHAEL GREENSPON
CONSULTING PRODUCER: RICHARD GURMAN
CO-EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: VINCE CHEUNG & BEN MONTANIO
CO-EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: RUSSEL MARCUS
CREATIVE CONSULTANTS: ALAN EISENSTOCK & GARRY MINTZ
EXECUTIVE STORY EDITORS: STEVE FABER & BOB FISHER
STORY EDITORS: VALERIE AHERN & CHRISTIAN McLAUGHLIN
STORY EDITORS: ERIC ABRAMS & MATTHEW BERRY
CASTING BY: RICK MILLIKAN C.S.A.
"LOVE AND MARRIAGE" LYRICS BY SAMMY CAHN AND JIMMY VAN HEUSEN
                    PERFORMED BY FRANK SINATRA
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: SAM W. ORENDER
STAGE MANAGERS: RICHARD DRANEY & STEPHANIE SCOTT
MUSIC: JONATHAN WOLFF
ART DIRECTOR: RICHARD IMPROTA
ASSISTANT ART DIRECTORS: HEATHER ROSS & ALEX FULLER
EDITED BY: LARRY HARRIS & LEE GRAY
PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE: KITTY ROURKE
PRODUCTION COORDINATOR: CARL STUDEBAKER
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR: ROBERT A. BOWEN
PRODUCTION COORDINATOR: CARSON G. SMITH
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY: DAN KULETO
AUDIO: J. MARK KING; ROBIN STRICKLAND; SCOTT GLICKMAN & ALAN ZEMA
CAMERAS: STEVE CASALY; BETTINA LEVESQUE; JIM LUNSFORD & DENNIS TURNER
RE-RECORDING: ROY PAHLMAN & JOHN BICKLEHURST
PRODUCTION STAFF: PETER ALEXANDER; GARRY BOWREN; BERT L. COOK; CYNDI HOGLE; 
                  CHRISTY LATUSEK & BRANDON WAINWRIGHT
COSTUMES: MARTI M. SQYURES
PROPERTY MASTER: MICHAEL SEMON
MAKEUP: KATHY ROGERS
HAIR: DOTTIE McQUOWN
DOG TRAINER: STEVEN RITT
COPYRIGHT (C) 1996
ELP COMMUNICATIONS
COLUMBIA PICTURES TELEVISION
a SONY PICTURES ENTERTAINMENT company
ELP Communications is the author of this film/motion picture for purposes of
Article 15(2)of the Berne Convention and all national giving effect thereto.