January 24, 1996

Written By
Richard Gurman & Stacie Lipp & Russell Marcus


ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - LATE AFTERNOON

(BUD AND KELLY ARE WATCHING TV ON THE COUCH)

TV ANN. (V.O.) And now, "Friends," followed by the making of "Friends." And then, on the ten
        o'clock news, the cast of "Cheers" discusses their favorite episodes of "Friends."

BUD     Kelly, let's watch something else. This is a rerun.

KELLY   No, it's not. I've seen this one a million times and it's definitely not a rerun.

(BUD REACTS AS AL ENTERS)

BUD     Hey, Dad. You're off work early.

AL      I'm always off at this time. I just never came home because your mother was here. What
        the hell are you watching?

KELLY   "Friends."

AL      "Friends?" A man comes home from work, he doesn't want to see "Friends." He wants to see
        naked beach bunnies fighting to the death.

KELLY   How can anyone not love this show? It's unique, it's different. There's nothing on TV
        quite like "Friends."

(AL TAKES THE REMOTE AND STARTS TO CHANNEL SURF)

TV ANN1	(V.O.) Now, stay tuned for "Pals."

(AL SWITCHES CHANNELS)

TV ANN2	(V.O.) And next, the exciting conclusion of "Amigos."

(AL SWITCHES CHANNELS)

TV ANN3	(V.O.) "Mateys."

(AL SWITCHES CHANNELS)

TV ANN4	(V.O.) "Homeboys."

(AL SWITCHES CHANNELS)

TV ANN5	(V.O.) "Geezers," starring Bill Cosby.

(AL SWITCHES CHANNELS AGAIN)

TV ANN.	(V.O.) Welcome back to "Friends," sponsored by the new "Friends" Las Vegas Hotel and
               Casino.

(AL SNAPS THE REMOTE IN TWO)

AL      Well, that satellite dish was money well spent. Like the wedding ring and the smoke
        detectors.

BUD     I'm going to my room. I have absolutely no interest in this show.

(AS BUD EXITS TO THE BASEMENT)

KELLY   You would if it were called "Rubber Friends."

SFX: DOORBELL

AL      I'll get it. It can't be your Mom. She would have just huffed and puffed and blown the
        door down.

(AL OPENS THE DOOR TO TOM, A HUNKY U.P.S. MAN, WEARING BROWN U.P.S. SHORTS AND HOLDING TWO
PACKAGES)

TOM     I've got something for Peggy Bundy.

AL      So do I.

(AL SLAMS THE DOOR IN TOM'S FACE. A BEAT, THEN)

TOM     (O.S., ALTERED VOICE) Domino's Pizza.

(AL OPENS THE DOOR. TOM FORCES HIS WAY IN)

AL      Hey, that was a dirty trick.

TOM     I know, but all's fair in love, war, and getting you to sign for your wife's
        "Presidential Mistresses Collector Plates."

AL      Women will buy anything.

(TOM PRODUCES ANOTHER PACKAGE)

TOM     I also have these Playboy centerfold popsicle molds.

AL      Uh, those are mine.

TOM     Wait'll you taste Miss November.

(THEY SHARE A LAUGH AS TOM HANDS AL A CLIPBOARD)

TOM     Sign here or I don't get paid.

AL      No problem.

(TOM CHECKS KELLY OUT AS HE HANDS AL A PEN. AL THROWS THE PEN OVER HIS SHOULDER, THEN HANDS THE
CLIPBOARD TO TOM, WHO ABSENTLY TAKES IT BACK, DISTRACTED BY THE SIGHT OF KELLY)

TOM     Hi, there. Whatcha watching?

KELLY   "Friends." It's "Must See TV."

TOM     Then the guy who stole our TV must be seeing it now.

KELLY   In that case, you'll have to sit here and watch it with me.

(TOM SITS ON THE COUCH)

AL      Go ahead, make yourself at home. I'd offer you a beer, but I don't want to be caught
        empty-handed when the gardener and the chimney sweep drop by.

(AL EXITS UPSTAIRS)

KELLY   My Dad's gone. You can sit a little closer... (LOOKS AT HIS NAME TAG) ...Tom. What a cool
        name. Is it foreign?

TOM     Let me guess, Polk High?

KELLY   (PROUDLY) Six years.

(TOM MOVES CLOSER AND LOOKS AT KELLY'S BLOUSE)

KELLY   I'm Kelly. I don't have a name tag.

TOM     I wasn't looking for one.

(KELLY LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

KELLY   Then what were you looking for?

TOM     This.

(THEY LEAN TOWARDS EACH OTHER FOR A KISS. BUT BEFORE THEIR LIPS MEET, TOM'S BEEPER GOES OFF AND
 HE PULLS AWAY)

SFX: BEEPER

KELLY	Wow, what was that? A lip alarm?

(TOM CHECKS HIS BEEPER)

TOM     Sort of. I'm being paged by my girlfriend, Shannon. If I don't check in every fifteen
        minutes she gets this crazy idea I'm cheating on her. Can you imagine?

KELLY   Some women are so jealous and suspicious.

TOM     Yeah, but luckily I'm not the kind of guy who worries about what women think. (THEN) You
        got a back way outta here?

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

INT. ENEMIES APARTMENT - A SHORT WHILE LATER

(IT'S AS LOW RENT AND LIVED IN AS YOU WOULD EXPECT. THERE IS A KITCHEN WITH THREE DAYS OF DISHES
PILED IN THE SINK AND A BEAT UP REFRIGERATOR AND STOVE. A HALLWAY LEADS OFF TO TWO BEDROOMS AND
ONE BATHROOM. THE LIVING ROOM IS DECORATED IN THRIFT STORE CHIC. IT HAS A WINDOW WITH A FIRE
ESCAPE WHICH LOOKS OUT ON THE EL TRACKS. A SHEET SUSPENDED FROM A WIRE BY HOSPITAL CURTAIN TYPE
RINGS DIVIDES ONE CORNER OF THE LIVING ROOM. MARIA, AN ATTRACTIVE LATINA, IS AT THE STOVE COOKING
UP A POT OF FOOD. SHANNON, A SHAPELY BLONDE, ENTERS, CROSSES TO THE KITCHEN AND TAKES OUT A
SIMILAR POT)

SHANNON	Hi, Maria. (SNIFFS THE AIR, MAKES A FACE) What's that smell?

MARIA	(PROUDLY) It's the national dish of my country.

SHANNON	Perspiration is the national dish of your country?

MARIA	I'm surprised you'd even recognize perspiration, Shannon, unless you were licking it off
	a sixty-year old junk bond king.

(SHANNON TAKES OUT A PAN, PUTS IT ON THE STOVE AND STARTS FUMBLING AROUND)

SHANNON	Hey, just because I'm gorgeous and men shower me with gifts doesn't mean I'm some sort of
	helpless princess. (THEN, KICKING THE STOVE AND BLOWING ON IT) How the hell does this
	thing work?

(MARIA OPENS THE OVEN DOOR AND POINTS)

MARIA	You just open the door, stick your head in and turn on the gas.

SHANNON	Oh, Maria. Don't hate me because you're ugly. Come on, I'm trying to cook something here.

(MARIA TURNS ON A BURNER FOR SHANNON WHO STARTS TO MELT SOMETHING IN THE POT)

MARIA	Well, it's nice you're finally helping out in the kitchen. What are you cooking?

SHANNON	Leg wax.

MARIA	Ah, the national dish of *your* country, Bimbonia.

(JACKSON, THE PERPETUAL HOUSEGUEST, PULLS THE CURTAINS BACK FROM HIS LIVING AREA AND AMBLES
INTO THE KITCHEN. HE WEARS LUXURIOUS SLEEPWEAR. A BIG PARROT, TITO, IS PERCHED ON HIS SHOULDER)

JACKSON	Good morning, girls.

MARIA	Jackson, it's six in the evening.

JACKSON	Good. I got through another workday without accidentally getting a job. Well, good-night.

(JACKSON TURNS BACK)

MARIA	Jackson, I hate to throw a four letter word at you, but how about "rent"?

JACKSON	Rent? I don't do rent. I'm a houseguest, remember?

SHANNON	You've been here six months. Where I come from, a houseguest stays no more than two weeks.

JACKSON	Then it's a damn good thing I'm not from Neptune. Well, good-night. (CROSSES OFF, THEN
	SNIFFS THE AIR) Hmm. Something smells good. Can I have a taste?

MARIA	Sure.

(MARIA AND SHANNON SHARE A CONSPIRATORIAL LOOK AS MARIA DIPS A SPOON INTO SHANNON'S POT OF LEG
WAX AND OFFERS IT TO JACKSON)

MARIA	(SING-SONG) Now open your mouth and close your eyes...

(JACKSON DOES. MARIA SPOONS LEG WAX INTO HIS MOUTH)

JACKSON	Mmm. Much better than your fajitas. (TO HIS BIRD) Thank her for me, Tito.

TITO	(V.O.) Bite me, feminazi.

JACKSON	SoRRy, he's been listening to a lot of Rush Limbaugh lately. Come on, Tito. Let's brush
	your teeth. Maria just bought some of that cool mint gel you love so much.

(JACKSON EXITS DOWN THE HALLWAY WITH TITO AS SHANNON TAKES HER POT OF HEATED LEG WAX AND CROSSES
INTO THE LIVING ROOM WITH MARIA)

MARIA	Shannon, we've got to find a way to extort some rent money out of Jackson.

TITO	(O.S.) Minty fresh. Minty fresh.

(THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER)

MARIA	Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

SHANNON	What John Kennedy Jr. would feel like?

MARIA	Ah, no. I was thinking of how we can use that parrot to get Jackson to pay up.

SHANNON	You'd be a lot happier if you'd stop all that Wretched thinking and just wax your legs.

MARIA	I am proud of the hair God gave me.

(SHANNON BRUSHES HOT WAX ON ONE OF HER LEGS AND PRESSES A PIECE OF CLOTH DOWN OVER IT)

SHANNON	Then you must be very, very proud. Especially of your upper lip. But fine, keep your
	Chia Legs and miss out on the joys of being a woman.

(SHANNON PULLS THE CLOTH OFF HER LEGS AND SCREAMS)

MARIA	You're in a particularly foul mood today. Did my brother cheat on you again?

SHANNON	Yes, and I'm picturing how many things I can cut off him before he dies. I've counted up
	to twelve so far.

MARIA	Well, that's a first.

(SHANNON PUTS ON MORE WAX AND PRESSES THE CLOTH DOWN AGAIN)

MARIA	I don't get it. If you're so mad at Tom, why are you waxing your legs?

SHANNON	You are so uneducated. I mean, don't they make a Spanish-language Cosmo? Look, Tom and I
	are about to have a big fight. If we make up, we'll end up in bed and he'll want smooth
	legs. If we break up, I'll end up in bed with someone else and he'll want smooth legs. So
	either way, waxing is the key to my happiness.

(SHE PULLS THE CLOTH OFF AND SCREAMS)

SHANNON	Bastards!

(TOM ENTERS WITH TWO DOZEN PUNY ROSES)

TOM	Hey, sweetie, I'm home. (NOTICES THE WAXING) Oh, hell, she's full-leg waxing. What did I
	do?

SHANNON	You cheating dirtbag. I followed you today and saw you go into that cute blonde girl's
	house.

TOM	So? I'm a delivery guy. I go into people's houses. Sometimes they're girls. Sometimes
	they're cute.

SHANNON	Sometimes you sleep with them.

TOM	Yeah. But not today. (PROUDLY) Today I was faithful to you.

(TOM HANDS SHANNON THE ROSES)

SHANNON	Tom, it's not just the cheating. I took the Cosmo quiz this morning and found out that I
	am an "under-dater."

TOM	No problem. Tonight you can be on top.

SHANNON	What I mean is, a girl like me has big dreams. I shouldn't be dating you. I should be
	dating your boss.

MARIA	You did date his boss.

TOM	You did?

SHANNON	How do you think you got your promotion?

TOM	I thought it was because I slept with his wife.

SHANNON	You beast!

(SHANNON THROWS THE ROSES OUT THE WINDOW)

TOM	Hey, that was two dozen roses. I paid four bucks for those. And it wasn't even from an
	off-ramp. I went into a flower shop and everything.

SHANNON	I don't know what keeps me here when there's a city full of middle-aged rich men hungering
	for a trophy wife like me.

TOM	I do.

(TOM MAKES A SEXY MOVE TOWARDS SHANNON. SHE STARTS TO FALL FOR IT, THEN CATCHES HERSELF)

SHANNON	Forget it, Tom. That's not going to work anymore. I'm going to call the Cosmo hotline and
	ask them why the hell I'm living with a Libra anyway.

(SHANNON STORMS OFF)

TOM	(CALLS AFTER HER) Hey, don't be mad. Tonight was gonna be sex night.

(WE HEAR AN O.S. DOOR SLAM)

SFX: DOOR SLAM

TOM	Maria, how am I going to make it through the night?

MARIA	Don't worry, you'll be making up before the stubble pokes through her panty hose.

TOM	No, you heard her. She's calling the Cosmo hotline. They hate men.

MARIA	Look, Tom. I'm your sister. I care for you.

TOM	You're my half-sister.

MARIA	Okay, then I half-care for you. And I know you're feeling hurt right now.

TOM	Hurt? That's a girlie thing. I'm feeling the guy version of hurt... horny.

MARIA	That's also the guy version of happy, curious, and sleepy. In fact, is there *ever* a
	moment when guys aren't horny?

TOM	Prostate exams. And the "It's A Small World" ride. (THEN RECONSIDERS) No, just prostate
	exams. I forgot about those little Polynesian girls.

MARIA	Tom, you're no better than your skirt chasing father.

TOM	Hey, it was your mother who walked into a married man's house in that little maid's
	outfit.

MARIA	She *was* the maid, you idiot.

TOM	Oh. Right. Well, maybe he was a lech, but I am nothing like him. I can live without a
	woman for one night.

(TOM STARTS DIALING THE PHONE)

TOM	(INTO THE RECEIVER) Hey, Kelly, it's Tom... Yeah, the U.P.S. guy. You wanna go out
	tomorrow? ...Tonight? Sure, even better.

(TOM HANGS UP THE PHONE. MARIA REACTS. SHANNON RE-ENTERS)

SHANNON	Tom, I've come to the realization that you might not be the perfect guy for me.

TOM	Is this you speaking or the Cosmo "snot" line?

SHANNON	Actually, it was *you* speaking. When I picked up the phone I over heard you ask some
	girl on a date.

(SHANNON PICKS UP THE PHONE AND STARTS DIALING)

SHANNON	Now it's obvious. All we really have is sex. I need something more spiritual. Money.
	(THEN, INTO PHONE) Hello, Henry. It's Shannon. I've broken up with my boyfriend... Dinner?
	Maybe after... (POINTEDLY TO TOM) ...the deed.

(SHANNON STARTS FOR THE DOOR)

TOM	You'll pay for this.

SHANNON	No, Henry's rich. I'll never have to pay for anything. Ever again.

(SHANNON EXITS)

FADE OUT

END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. ENEMIES APARTMENT - LATER THAT NIGHT

(JACKSON IS ON THE COUCH WATCHING CARTOONS. WE HEAR INANE CARTOON VOICES FROM THE TV. MARIA IS
DOING THE DISHES. THE BIRDCAGE IS COVERED WITH A CLOTH)

SFX: CARTOON VOICES

JACKSON	I hate these new socially responsible cartoons. They've taken away Porky Pig's stutter...
	like that's real funny. And now they've given him a job. Everyone knows pigs don't work.

MARIA	You're proof of that.

JACKSON	Are you mad because it's your turn to do the dishes?

MARIA	No, I'm mad because it's *your* turn to do the dishes.

(TOM ENTERS DRESSED FOR A DATE)

TOM	Well, I'm ready for my date with Kelly. How do I smell?

JACKSON	Like a guy who skipped a shower and drenched himself in Aramis.

TOM	Wrong on two counts. It was Brut. And I washed my pits.

MARIA	Did you use soap this time?

TOM	No, I just wiped 'em clean on the waistband of your pantyhose.

(TOM EXITS)

JACKSON	I don't think he should have done that.

MARIA	It *was* pretty inconsiderate.

JACKSON	No, I mean, I used them last night to clean the bottom of Tito's cage.

(MARIA REACTS)

JACKSON	(TO THE COVERED CAGE) Isn't that right, my little queasy-stomached friend?

(HE LIFTS THE CLOTH OFF THE CAGE. TITO IS GONE)

JACKSON	Oh my God! Where's Tito?

(HE STARTS FRANTICALLY SEARCHING THE APARTMENT, CALLING OUT FOR TITO. MARIA OPENS A BOTTLE OF
BEER AND WATCHES HIM SEARCH)

JACKSON	Maria, my best friend in the world is gone.

MARIA	Somebody stole your futon?

JACKSON	No, Tito. The least you could do is help me find him.

MARIA	(OMINOUS) I know where he is.

(JACKSON STOPS SEARCHING IMMEDIATELY)

JACKSON	What did you do with him?

MARIA	Look, Jackson. I'm sick of working all day while you lounge around in pajamas. I've taken
	Tito hostage until you come up with a rent check.

JACKSON	You don't understand. The bird has a heart condition. If he doesn't get his medicine every
	four hours, he'll die.

MARIA	Then I guess you and Tito have four hours.

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

INT. GEORGE'S DINER - LATER THAT NIGHT

(IT'S A VERY SMALL, HOLE IN THE WALL, GREASY SPOON DINER, WITH A COUNTER AND SIX BACKLESS STOOLS
WITH THE STUFFING POKING THROUGH THE VINYL. THERE ARE TWO BOOTHS IN BACK. GEORGE, THE CAUSTIC
BLACK PROPRIETOR, IS WATCHING A FLY BUZZING AROUND THE GRILL. HE PICKS UP A FLY SWATTER AND SWATS
THE FLY ON THE GRILL. THEN HE USES THE SWATTER TO FLIP TWO HAMBURGERS. MARCY AND JEFFERSON ENTER
AND CROSS TO GEORGE)

MARCY	Wow, Jefferson. What a real soul experience. This is no fake yuppie hangout. We are down
	with the people. (SOTTO) You didn't wear the Rolex I gave you, did you?

JEFF	No, I sold that long ago. I mean, it's too precious to ever wear.

MARCY	Yo there, my good man. We're new to the 'hood. What do you recommend?

GEORGE	The hamburgers.

JEFF	We were hoping for something more "down home."

MARCY	Like collard greens, oxtails, moonpies...

GEORGE	I'm glad you've seen "Martin." But here we serve hamburgers.

(HE DUMPS THE TWO HAMBURGERS FROM THE GRILL IN FRONT OF THEM)

MARCY	Listen, Homes, if you insist on dissing your customers in that manner you're not going to
	stay in business long.

JEFF	Word.

GEORGE	Oh, I don't do this for a living. See, I'm from old money. This place is just to keep me
	in yacht fuel.

JEFF	Nonetheless, unless you offer a full apology, I don't think we can eat here.

GEORGE	Well, then. I'll just prepare your order to go.

(GEORGE SCRAPES THE HAMBURGERS AND FRIES FROM THEIR PLATES INTO A LARGE PAPER BAG AND DUMPS THEIR
DRINKS ON TOP)

JEFF	And we'd like some extra ketchup.

(GEORGE SQUIRTS KETCHUP INTO THE BAG AND HANDS IT TO A STUNNED MARCY. SHE AND JEFFERSON PUT DOWN
MONEY AND TAKE IT. AS THEY EXIT)

MARCY	(TO JEFFERSON) I don't think he's really from old money.

(GEORGE TURNS TO KEIKO, THE KLUTZY, YOUNG ASIAN WAITRESS)

GEORGE	When people like that start coming in here, you know the neighborhood's going downhill.

KEIKO	George, I've never been a waitress before. When customers leave money on the table, what's
	it for?

GEORGE	It's for me. It's their way of showing appreciation for the guy who cooked the food.

(KEIKO HANDS SOME CASH OVER TO GEORGE)

KEIKO	But I get to eat the leftover food off their plates, right?

GEORGE	Absolutely. Unless there are no bites taken out of it. Then, it's for me, too.

KEIKO	I have so much to learn.

(KEIKO GOES TO WAIT ON A TABLE AS KELLY AND TOM ENTER)

TOM	Hi, George. Meet Kelly.

GEORGE	Hey, Kelly. Welcome to George's Diner... a place where everyone knows your name but is
	rude to you just the same.

KELLY	Wow, just like my parents' house.

GEORGE	So, Tom, did you and Shannon break up, or is she just out of town?

TOM	She's in town. In fact, she's probably at her fat, drunken mother's trailer, crying her
	fake eyelashes out over losing me.

(SHANNON ENTERS WITH HENRY, A VERY ATTRACTIVE MAN IN HIS LATE FIFTIES. THEY'RE ARM IN ARM. SHE'S
WEARING A FUR STOLE)

SHANNON	Hi, Tom.

TOM	Hi, Shannon. What brings you here?

SHANNON	A Jaguar. Owned by Henry. Aren't you going to introduce me to your little friend?

TOM	Kelly, meet Shannon. She's the woman I used to go home to after my dates.

SHANNON	Henry, meet Tom. He's the guy who thought I stayed home while he was out with other
	women.

KELLY	Nice to meet you, Shannon. I think it's great that people can break up and still be such
	good friends.

TOM	(TO GEORGE) Kelly and I would like a table for two.

SHANNON	(POINTEDLY) Henry and I would like a table for one.

GEORGE	There are two empty tables back there. You know my policy. The first one to bus 'em, gets
	'em.

(TOM, KELLY, SHANNON AND HENRY HURRY TO THE BACK OF THE DINER. JACKSON ENTERS)

JACKSON	George, the worst thing just happened.

GEORGE	You accidentally got a job?

JACKSON	Worse. That scheming lowlife Maria is holding Tito hostage until I come up with rent
	money.

GEORGE	Well, I could use help around here.

JACKSON	I thought you hired somebody.

GEORGE	I did.

(WE HEAR A BIG CRASH OFF STAGE)

SFX: DISHES CRASHING

GEORGE	Her.

(KEIKO CROSSES TO THEM. SHE'S COVERED IN FOOD. SHE'S CRYING AND MOPPING FOOD OFF HER)

KEIKO	I'm so sad.

GEORGE	Oh, no. Not again. Remember, we said only three "sad" breaks a day.

KEIKO	I can't help it. I am a disgrace to my people. I'm stupid. I can't eat with chopsticks. I
	burn rice. My origami cranes look like road kill. I can't do anything right.

GEORGE	That's not true. You break dishes really, really well.

(KEIKO STARTS CRYING AGAIN AND CROSSES OUT)

GEORGE	God, I yearn for the days when you could hire a husky nine year old and have them work
	an eighty hour week.

JACKSON	Why do you keep her?

(KEIKO RETURNS AND HANDS GEORGE SOME MORE CASH)

KEIKO	Here are some more of your tips.

(GEORGE POCKETS THE MONEY AS KEIKO CROSSES OUT)

GEORGE	That. And she was the only job applicant who believed the minimum wage is still two
	dollars an hour. You see, she was desperate for work after her parents threw her out.

JACKSON	Where's she sleeping?

GEORGE	Oh, she's got that covered. She just gets on the El and rides all night.

JACKSON	(GETTING AN IDEA) Hmm. Let me go talk to her. You know how good I am with people.

GEORGE	Okay. But not a word about the minimum wage.

(JACKSON NODS AND EXITS)

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

INT. GEORGE'S DINER - CONTINUOUS

MONTAGE

(THERE ARE THREE BOOTHS. TOM AND KELLY ARE AT ONE. SHANNON ARE AT ANOTHER. AN OLDER COUPLE IS AT
THE THIRD)

MONTAGE

1. TOM REACHES OUT AND HOLDS BOTH OF KELLY'S HANDS ACROSS THE TABLE

2. SHANNON REACTS. SHE REACHES OUT AND HOLDS ONE OF HENRY'S HANDS ACROSS THE TABLE. SHE THEN
REACHES UNDER THE TABLE WITH HER OTHER HAND. HENRY REACTS AT FIRST SURPRISED, THEN PLEASED.

3. THE OLDER COUPLE NOTICES SHANNON AND HENRY AND REACTS WITH DISAPPROVAL.

4. TOM NOTICES SHANNON AND HENRY, AND MOVES CLOSER TO KELLY IN THE BOOTH.

5. SHANNON NOTICES TOM AND KELLY, AND SITS IN HENRY'S LAP.

6. TOM FEEDS KELLY A FRENCH FRY ON A FORK.

7. SHANNON STICKS HER FINGER INTO THE WHIPPED CREAM ON HER HOT FUDGE SUNDAE AND PUTS IT IN HENRY'S
MOUTH.

8. TOM SQUIRTS KETCHUP ON KELLY'S ARM, THEN LICKS IT OFF.

9. THE OLDER COUPLE NOTICES TOM AND KELLY, AND SETS DOWN THEIR FOOD, GROSSED OUT.

10. SHANNON CLEARS THE TABLE WITH A SWEEP OF HER HAND, CRASHING THE DISHES TO THE FLOOR.

SFX: DISHES CRASHING.

SHE KISSES HENRY ON TOP OF THE TABLE.

(WE COME OUT OF THE MONTAGE AND THEY ARE STILL ON THE TABLE)

SHANNON	Henry, I'm really turned on. Let's make love.

HENRY	Great. Shall we do it in my Jag, or go to my condo?

SHANNON	No, let's go someplace really romantic. The bathroom.

(HENRY LOOKS PUZZLED, BUT BEFORE HE CAN OBJECT, SHE LEADS HIM INTO THE LADIES' ROOM. TOM NOTICES
THEM LEAVING)

TOM	C'mon. Let's go to the bathroom, too.

KELLY	Okay, I'll try but I really don't think I have to go.

(TOM HOLDS KELLY'S HAND AS THEY ENTER THE MEN'S ROOM. THE DOORS TO THE MEN'S AND WOMEN'S ROOMS
ARE ADJACENT. THE CAMERA HOLDS ON THE DOORS. WE HEAR THE SOUNDS OF SHANNON AND HENRY MAKING LOVE
IN THE WOMEN'S ROOM)

SHANNON	(O.S.) Oh, Henry. I love it when you blow on my neck.

CUT TO:

INT. WOMEN'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

(SHANNON AND HENRY ARE KISSING. HE LEANS HER AGAINST THE BLOW DRYER. IT GOES OFF AND EXCITES HER)

SFX: BLOW DRYER

INT. BATHROOM DOORS - CONTINUOUS

(WE HEAR CLANGING NOISES COMING OUT OF THE MEN'S ROOM)

TOM	(O.S.) Oh, Kelly, you're the best I've ever had.

CUT TO:

INT. MEN'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS

(TOM IS BANGING A TRASH CAN AGAINST THE WALL AS KELLY WATCHES)

KELLY	This is fun, but it'd be even better if we had sex.

TOM	We'll get to that. First, I need to work through a few little issues from my prior
	relationship.

KELLY	Sure, I know how messy breakups can be. Let me know if there's anything I could do to
	help.

TOM	Well, to start with, you could moan...

SHANNON	(O.S.) (MOANS) Oh, Henry!

TOM	...louder than Shannon.

KELLY	(MOANS LOUDLY) Oh, Henry!

CUT TO:

INT. LADIES ROOM - CONTINUOUS

(HENRY REACTS TO KELLY)

HENRY	(OFF KELLY'S COMMENTS) I *am* good.

CUT TO:

INT. THE DINER - CONTINUOUS

(LOUD POUNDING, SUCKING, SPLASHING AND FLUSHING SOUNDS ARE COMING OUT OF EACH OF THE BATHROOMS)

SFX: POUNDING, SUCKING, SPLASHING AND FLASHING SOUNDS

OLD WMN	(TO HUSBAND, SEXILY) Honey, take me to the bathroom.

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE FOUR

INT. MEN'S ROOM - THIRTY MINUTES LATER

SUPER: THIRTY MINUTES LATER

(THE MEN'S ROOM HAS BEEN COMPLETELY DESTROYED)

KELLY	Well, there's nothing left to throw. Are you over Shannon yet?

(TOM LISTENS THROUGH THE WALL)

TOM	Yes, I am. They've stopped making noise. I proved I could keep it going longer than that
	old man.

(WE HEAR THE SIREN OF AN AMBULANCE)

SFX: AMBULANCE SIREN

TOM	Oh, man. This is even better than I hoped.

CUT TO:

INT. GEORGE'S DINER

(TOM AND KELLY ENTER AS PARAMEDICS RUSH IN WITH A GURNEY. THE CUSTOMERS AND GEORGE GATHER AROUND)

PARAMED	We got a call about an unconscious person.

GEORGE	(POINTS TO THE WOMEN'S ROOM) Right in there.

TOM	I knew it. Shannon probably killed the geezer. I *am* the king!

(THEN A DISHEVELED, BUT PERFECTLY HEALTHY HENRY ENTERS FROM THE MEN'S ROOM)

TOM	You? But I thought...

HENRY	Nope. Shannon's the one who passed out. Smiling, I might add.

KELLY	But how?

(HENRY MAKES A SQUEEZING GESTURE WITH HIS HAND)

HENRY	(COYLY) I've got the pump.

(KELLY REACTS IMPRESSED. THE PARAMEDICS WHEEL SHANNON OUT OF THE BATHROOM. TOM RUSHES TO HER SIDE
AS THEY START TO WHEEL HER OUT OF THE DINER)

TOM	Shannon, Shannon. Speak to me. I love you. I'll do anything to get you back.

(SHANNON OPENS HER EYES)

SHANNON	Oh, Tom. I want you back, too. Come with me to the hospital. We'll rock that ambulance.

(THE PARAMEDICS, TOM AND SHANNON EXIT)

KELLY	I'll tell you one thing. I am *not* going on a second date with Tom.

HENRY	And you shouldn't. You deserve a guy who has some respect for women. Wanna get in the Jag
	and go shopping?

KELLY	Sure.

(THEY EXIT AS WE)

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE FIVE

INT. ENEMIES APARTMENT - LATER THAT NIGHT

(MARIA IS AT THE STOVE, COOKING. TOM AND SHANNON ARE MAKING OUT ON THE COUCH)

MARIA	Well, we're back together as one big, happy family. Looking after each other. Talking.
	Sharing.

TOM	(TO SHANNON) Let's see, we've done it in the living room, our room, the fire escape...

SHANNON	The bathroom, the hallway...

MARIA	Don't forget the elevator.

SHANNON	Well, it got stuck. What else were we supposed to do?

MARIA	Oh, I don't know. Keep your pants on and call for help?

TOM	There must be some place we haven't had make up sex yet.

SHANNON	I've got it... Maria's room.

TOM	You're right, we haven't done it there. In fact, no one has ever done it there.

(TOM PICKS SHANNON UP, BRIDE-OVER-THE-THRESHOLD STYLE AND THEY EXIT DOWN THE HALLWAY)

MARIA	(CALLS OUT AFTER THEM) Oh, yeah. Well, that's about to change.

(MARIA TAKES THE POT OFF THE STOVE AND CROSSES TO THE COUCH)

SHANNON	(O.S.) So is the century.

(MARIA BRUSHES THE CONTENTS OF THE POT ONTO HER LEGS. WE SEE THAT IT IS LEG WAX. SHE APPLIES THE
CLOTH AND MUSES)

MARIA	I might need two coats.

(JACKSON ENTERS)

JACKSON	Great news, Maria. You can give me back my bird. I've come up with the rent.

MARIA	You found a job?

JACKSON	No, I found us another payin' roomie.

(KEIKO ENTERS HOLDING A SUITCASE)

JACKSON	Maria, meet Keiko. She has a real job *and* she's great with dishes. Now, where's my bird?

MARIA	Well, Tom and Shannon should be discovering him about now.

TITO	(O.S.) Wonderbra. Wonder... blegh!

(WE HEAR THE SOUNDS OF SOMEONE CHOKING TITO)

JACKSON	I've got to cut down on his television.

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE SIX

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - THAT NIGHT

(AL IS ABSORBED WATCHING TV. KELLY ENTERS WITH HENRY. SHE IS DECKED IN NEW CLOTHING AND
ACCESSORIES. SHE CARRIES SHOPPING BAGS)

KELLY	Daddy, I'd like you to meet Henry.

AL	Pumpkin, what did we say about talking to Daddy? I'm watching my new favorite program.

(KELLY NOTICES THE TV)

KELLY	"Friends?" I thought you hated that show.

AL	I do. But if you mute the sound and watch with binoculars, you can tell that Jennifer
         Aniston isn't wearing a bra.

(AL RAISES HIS BINOCULARS AS HENRY SITS BESIDE AL ON THE COUCH, LEAVING KELLY ALONE AS WE)

FADE OUT

END OF SHOW