Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill..................Al Bundy
Amanda Bearse...............Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.........Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..............Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley................Jefferson D'Arcy
Lucky the Dog...............Lucky

Guest Cast:

Pat Morita..................Mr. Shimokawa
Dan Tullis, Jr..............Officer Dan
Iqbal Theba.................Iqbal
Todd Parker.................Officer Stan
Darrell Kunitomi............Japanese Al

 

ACT ONE

SCENE ONE


Al, Bud and Kelly are sitting on the couch watching TV.

Al:	You know, the great thing about your mother being out of town, aside from the fact 
	that she's not here, is the three of us get a chance to bond.

Kelly:	Aww.

Bud:	Dad, as long as we're bonding, you know I'm gonna be graduating from college pretty
	soon, and, um, I've got some pretty serious life - 

Al:	[cutting him off] Bud, shut up. "Family Matters" is on now. If you've got anything to 
	learn about life, you can learn it from Urkel and his fat cop neighbor.

Bud:	I hate this show.

Kelly:	How could you not love Urkel? I mean, his glasses, those pants, the suspenders...

Marcy and Jefferson enter. Marcy is wearing suspenders with her pants.

Al:	[to Bud] Speaking of annoying neighbor boys with suspenders.

Marcy:	[excitedly] Everyone, I have great news that you will all want to hear. I -

Jeff:	[cutting her off] Marcy got a promotion at the bank that will take her to Japan once
	a month.

Marcy:	Jefferson, you stole my thunder.

Jeff:	Oh, I'm - I'm sorry, dear. It won't happen again.

Marcy:	Okay. [To the Bundys] I'm going to -

Jeff:	[cutting her off again] She's gonna be vice President! ...Vice President in charge of
	all transactions between her branch and the home office in Japan.

Marcy:	[annoyed] Are you finished?

Jeff:	Almost. With her salary increase, she'll never have to worry about money again.

Marcy:	Well, you will if you don't shut up!

Al:	Guys, I'm just so happy for both of you. What say we celebrate by you getting the
	hell out of here and me watching my TV? My treat.

Marcy:	Well, technically I don't have the job yet so celebrating would be a bit premature. 
	You see, the bank president is flying all the way from Japan to have dinner at my house 
	tonight. Now, once he approves of me, the job is as good as mine!

Jeff:	Oh, I love this show [points at TV]. That Urkel... what an actor.

He sits in a chair to watch the TV.

Kelly:	See Bud, I'm not alone.

Bud:	No, as long as there's a sailor and an ice-cream cone, you'll never be alone.

Marcy:	So Al, um, the reason that I'm here is that I need your help [she sits on the arm of
        the couch next to Al] with just one little thing to make tonight's dinner perfect. I
        need you to leave the neighborhood. You see, I don't want my boss to be repulsed by
        you and your children. No offence.

Al:	None taken.

Marcy:	[surprised] So you'll do it?

Al:	I meant, none taken... yet.

Marcy:	All right, Al. What's your price?

Al:	One night, all expenses paid, in a Howard Bowman's Motor Lodge.

Kelly smiles.

Bud:	Ooh, "Hobo's".

Kelly:	Where every bed is shaped like a boxcar. 

She smiles. The others look at her.

Kelly:	Or - or - or so I hear from my - my slutty friends who go there all the time. Not me.

Al:	[gets up] We also want passes to the "Hobo's" Friday's all-you-can-eat clam buffet.

Kelly laughs hysterically. Marcy gives her a look and she stops.

Marcy:	Well Al, you drive a hard bargain - and a rusty Dodge, but I think I can spring for 
        five more dollars.

She takes some cash from her pocket and gives it to Al.

Marcy:	Live it up!

The three Bundys run outside excitedly, Kelly waving her hands in the air and shouting "yes! yes!"


SCENE TWO

The D'Arcys' house. 
Stereotypical Oriental music plays. Marcy emerges from behind a pagoda wearing a kimono, holding a 
plate with both hands. She shuffles over to the living room table. Jefferson (also wearing a kimono) 
is sitting cross-legged on the floor with his hands pressed together in prayer. 
Marcy's boss, Mr. Shimokawa, is sitting opposite him.

Marcy:	So, Mr. Shimokawa, did you like the sushi?

Mr.S:	[politely] It was wonderful, thank you.

Jefferson and Marcy exchange excited looks.

Mr.S:	[thinking] How original: serving sushi to a Japanese man in America. It's like 
        Gilligan getting off the island and being offered a coconut.

Jeff:	Uh, you know [he attempts a Japanese gesture] I - I find the Japanese culture to be
	fascinating. I mean, the literature, the art... I just loved "The Joy Luck Club".

Mr.S:	That was Chinese.

Jeff:	The Kama Sutra.

Marcy looks at him approvingly.

Mr.S:	That is Indian. [thinking] In my country this man would be filling water glasses 
        at Denny's.

Marcy:	So, uh, now that we've finished with dinner, can I offer you some...

Mr.S:	[thinking] Let me guess: tea.

Marcy:	Tea?

He nods and she pours tea into his cup.

Marcy:	Would you like something in it? Milk? Sugar?

Mr.S:	[thinking] Whiskey.

The doorbell rings.

Marcy:	[to Jefferson] Now, who could that be?

She goes to open the door.

Mr.S:	[thinking] Please let it be Domino's. I'd kill for a pizza.

Marcy:	[to Jefferson] Look, honey, it's our favorite neighbors: the Bundys.

She opens the door and a Japanese family of four comes in. Marcy exchanges bows with each one 
as they come in.

Marcy:	Kelly, Bud, Peggy, Al.

They stand in a row behind the couch. Marcy introduces them to her boss.

Marcy:	Mr. Shimokawa, this is Al Bundy, an Acura salesman. Peggy, his wife, a homemaker.
	Their son, Bud, who's home from medical school, and their daughter, Kelly, who's 
        a violin prodigy.

Mr.S:	[thinking] Well, this isn't too patronizing.

Jap Al: I just wanted to thank you again, Marcy-san, for the home loan you got for us.
	[to Mr. Shimokawa] She is truly the Japanese businessman's best friend.

Marcy:	[cheerfully] Thanks, Bundys, for stopping by!

Marcy opens the door and they leave, exchanging bows with each again. Mr. Shimokawa gets up.

Mr.S:	Um, Mrs. D'Arcy, I had a wonderful time but I must really be going. [thinking] To a 
        liquor store.

Marcy:	Oh, no no no no. You can't go yet. The best is just ahead.

Mr.S:	[thinking] Oh good. They're going to hang themselves. [smiles]

Jeffeson is standing on a small stage wearing a mask and holding a microphone. He lifts the mask.

Jeff:	Karaoke!

Mr.S:	[thinking] Oh no. I'm going to hang myself.

Marcy turns on the playback and gets on the stage with Jefferson. They start singing.

M & J:	[singing] Fame - I'm gonna live forever. I'm gonna learn how to fly. High! I feel it 
        coming together, people will see me and cry.

A while later...
Jefferson and Marcy are still singing "Fame".

M & J:	[singing] ...Baby, remember my name. Remember, remember, remember, remember!

The song ends.

Mr.S:	[thinking] If only I could forget.

Marcy:	[thinking] The job is mine. I can feel it!

The Dodge is heard arriving home and backfiring.

Mr.S:	What was that?

He gets up.

Marcy:	Uh, nothing.

She gets off the stage and walks over to him.

Mr.S:	That was not nothing. That was a 1971 Dodge. [smiles] The one I need to complete my
	collection!

Jeff:	Oh, you collect classic American cars?

Mr.S:	No, I collect classic American junk. Yes, I have a Gremlin, and a Pacer, an old 
        yellow school bus with no brakes or no seatbelts. I have everything except that one.

He runs to the window and looks outside and bursts out laughing joyously.

Mr.S:	[pointing towards the window] That is real junk. Mrs. D'Arcy, the car is very 
        important to me. I must have it.

Marcy:	Well, don't you worry Mr. Shimokawa. I'll take care of everything and I'll even leave 
        my Jefferson here to entertain you.

Jefferson gets back on the stage and starts to sing and dance.

Jeff:	[singing] I'm so excited. I just can't hide it. I'm about to lose control and I 
        think I like it, yeah yeah yeah.

Mr. Shimokawa sits on the couch glumly.


SCENE THREE

Al and Bud are sitting on the couch eating clams.

Al:	Clam me, Bud.

Bud picks up a plate of clams from the table and pours some more into Al's plate. 
Kelly comes in from the garage carrying a large garbage bag.

Kelly:	Hey. Here are the, uh, the rest of the "Hobo's" clams from the trunk. The corn's 	
        keeping warm in the muffler.

She sits on the couch next to Al. Marcy storms in.

Marcy:	[angrily] What are you people doing here? I bought you a room!

Bud:	They kicked us out.

Al:	And I have a good mind to sue them for false advertising. That sign clearly said "all 
        the clams you can eat", not "all the clams you can eat right now".

Bud:	So, how are things going with your boss?

Marcy:	[bitterly] Oh, great, great, just great. 'Til you three Mothra'd on home. As it turns 
        out, Mr. Shimokawa collects junk cars and he wants to buy yours.

Al:	I don't have any junk cars. All I have is the Dodge. [He realizes she means the
        Dodge] You don't mean!? 

Marcy:	Oh, come on, Al. He'll probably offer you twice what it's worth. I mean, you might 
	even get fifty dollars.

Al:	Well, Marcy, me and that Dodge have been together a long time.

Marcy:	Well, so have you and your hair but you got rid of that.

Al:	Way to bargain, Marce. I love that car more than anything I have.

Bud:	Dad, what about us?

Al:	You need a Q-tip!? [gets up] Marcy, like I said before, I'm not selling that car. 
        Especially not to some Japanese big-wig who gets rich by flooding our market with 
        fuel-efficient, affordable cars that don't fold up like a tin can on a front-end collision, 
        like that's important. And all the while they're buying up all our American classics.

Marcy:	Please Al, my job is on the line.

Al:	Oh, well, that changes NOTHING! Marcy, I'm not selling that car to your boss. [he 
        escorts her outside] That car was born a Bundy, by God it will die a Bundy.

AL closes the front door after Marcy.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

The D'Arcy living room.
Jefferson is lying on the stage, still singing to a backing track.

Jeff:	[singing] Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make my cry-ha-haiiiii?

Mr.S:	[thinking] More than life itself.

He picks up a knife, gets up and starts advancing towards Jefferson. 
Marcy comes back in and he quickly puts the knife down.

Mr.S:	Mrs. D'Arcy. So, did you get my Dodge?

Marcy:	You know, his price was too high. Isn't that just like the poor, always trying to take
        advantage of the rich. God, I hate them! So I'll tell you what we're gonna do. Tomorrow I'm 
        going to take you down to a dealership and we're gonna get you a better one.

Mr.S:	Do you not realize how rare these Dodges are? I mean, half of them were recalled, the
        other half dissolved in the rain. This may be the only one left.

Marcy:	Well, Mr. Shimokawa, I just don't think he wants to sell.

She sits on the couch.

Mr.S:	Bottom line, Mrs. D'Arcy: you will get me that Dodge or I will get me a new Vice
  	President for my bank.

Marcy looks genuinely worried. Jefferson starts singing again.

Jeff:	[singing] I think I love you, so what am I so afraid of, I'm afraid that I'm not sure
        of a love there is no cure for...

Jefferson attempts a moonwalk. Marcy and Mr. Shimokawa both bury their face in their hands.


SCENE TWO

Close up on Marcy.

Marcy:	[with a forced smile] So Al, to thank you for being so understanding about my boss, I 
	thought it only right to treat you to dinner and a... show.

The camera pans out and we see Marcy, Al, Jefferson and Bud sitting at a table in the Jiggly Room.

Bud:	Mrs. D'Arcy, I thought as a feminist you wouldn't like places like this.

Marcy:	Oh no no no no no. Feminism is about protecting a woman's rights in the workplace. 
	Now where that workplace happens to be is none of my concern.

A stripper approaches Jefferson.

Dancer:	Lap dance?

Marcy:	[to the lapdancer] Split, bitch. [to Al] So Al, let's talk about your future. Sure,
 	you're making tens of dollars now, but you can't work forever, and somehow I
 	seriously doubt that your children will be there to support you.

Marcy and Al look at Bud, who now has the lapdancer on his lap.

Bud:	Move into my parents' basement with me, babe. We'll live on love... well, that and welfare.

The lapdancer makes a face and walks away.

Marcy:	[to Al] So, it occurs to me that you could use a nest egg. Say somewhere in the
	neighborhood of... 3000 dollars?

Al:	Marcy, the car is not for sale.

Marcy:	[in frustration] Oh, come on, Al! You know that car is not worth 3000 dollars. Why
 	are you being such an ass - [she gets a hold of herself] ...astoundingly stubborn human?

Al:	Marcy, see, it's a man's thing. Unlike you leg-shavers, we men... we men like our
 	things broken in. You know, old things. Old tennis shoes, old filthy jeans, a 
	30-year-old toothbrush with chunkettes of Reggie Bar in it...

Marcy makes a disgusted face. Bud puts his burger down and looks like he's about to heave. 
He puts a napkin to his mouth and walks away.

Al:	See now the Dodge is like that. Dodge is just like that. Over the years I've moulded
 	the car to fit every nook and cranny in my body. And I'll tell you the truth, I don't
 	have the life left over to break in another car. So my answer still must be -

A stripper in a red outfit walks by. Al hollers at her a la Tex Avery. 

Al:	[after she's gone] What was I saying?

Marcy:	Nevermind. You, Al Bundy, are a pig. I repeat, a pig. We're leaving! Jefferson?

Jefferson and Bud are dancing in a conga line of strippers. Marcy pulls Jefferson out of the chain.

Marcy:	Jefferson, we're going home.

Jeff:	Why? What's wrong?

Marcy:	Because I can't stand another minute in this hideous, horrible -

She shrieks, noticing Mr. Shimokawa coming in. She and Jefferson start bowing to him.

Marcy:	Mr. Shimokawa, what brings you to the Jiggly Room?

Mr.S:	Quite honestly, the jiggly. So, Mrs. D'Arcy, did you secure my Dodge?

Marcy:	Oh yes! Well... no. Actually, I'm still negotiating. You see, my husband wasn't
 	feeling very well and...

The chain of strippers jumps by, with Jefferson in the front. 

Jeff:   Woo-hoo!

Mr.S:	How can I trust you to negotiate banking deals when you can't even buy a rusting 
	Dodge from a rusting shoe salesman?

The camera moves to Al, who is holding two onion rings over his eyes.

Al:	I can see everything with my x-ray onion glasses!

Marcy:	Please, Mr. Shimokawa, give me another chance. I will find his price.

				*

Al is standing by the walkway watching a stipper and holding a bill. Marcy walks over to him.

Marcy:	5000 dollars.

Al:	No.

Marcy walks away.

				*

Al is with a lapdancer. He puts a bill in her underwear. Marcy walks over to him.

Marcy:	7500.

Al:	No.

Marcy walks away, annoyed.

				*

Al is in a conga line of strippers. When they pass Marcy, she calls after Al

Marcy:	10,000!

Al:	No!

Officer Dan and Officer Stan come in and look around. Iqbal, the owner, walks over to them.

Iqbal:	Hello Officer Dan, what can I do for you?

Dan:	We got a call about an indecent sex act.

Iqbal:	I assure you, I have no indecent sex act in my establishment.

Dan:	Then get one!

Stan:	We didn't ditch that drug stakeout for nothing.

The camera moves back to the table where Marcy, Al and Bud are sitting.

Marcy:	Al, I don't understand you. You have turned down 10,000 dollars. Now that is more 
	money than you would make if you lived to be 10,000.

Al:	Marcy, it's not the money. It's the sentiment.

Marcy:	Right. What is the sentimental value?

Al:	20,000.

Marcy:	20,000?! That is ridiculous.

Al:	My car...

Marcy:	[hissing] All right, I'll ask.

She walks away. In the background, a stripper slides down a pole and Jefferson slides after her.

Bud:	Don't you think 20,000 dollars is a little too much to ask for a car that's made
 	mostly of string and paper?

Al:	Son, I've got Marcy exactly where I want her.

Bud:	Dad, at the risk of sugar coating this, I'll just say that when it comes to finances,
 	you're an idiot.

Marcy comes back.

Marcy:	All right, all right, you got your twenty grand.

Bud:	Daddy!

Bud hugs Al. Al laughs and gets up to shake Marcy's hand.

Marcy:	Do we have a deal?

Al: 	Yes... on one condition.

Al whispers something in Marcy's ear. Her eyes widen.


SCENE THREE

The Jiggly Room
Al walks over to Mr. Shimokawa's table and sits down.

Al:	Well, Mr. Shimokawa, you got yourself a car.

Mr.S:	I told Mrs. D'Arcy every man has his price.

Al:	[smiling] We do, just like every woman has hers.

Al puts on dark glasses and looks to the stage. Marcy appears at the end of the runway. She takes 
off her cloak and remains there, dancing awkwardly, in kinky black leather lingerie. 
Mr. Shimokawa gets up and dances over to her.

Mr.S:	[singing] I'm so excited, I cannot hide it...

Marcy:	Well, good news Mr. Shimokawa - you got your car.

Mr.S:	And the job is yours, Mrs. D'Arcy.

She gasps.

Marcy:	Because of my great negotiating skills?

Mr.S:	No, because you know how to shake it, baby!

Marcy:	Well, in that case, consider this my resignation.

She throws the cloak over his head and whacks him. He crash lands on one of the tables and a 
fight breaks out. Some guy is pushed up against Al. Al takes off his glasses, smiles widely, then 
gets up and punches the guy. 
All around the Jiggly Room men can be seen fighting. The women continue to dance.


SCENE FOUR

Al, Kelly and Bud are sitting on the couch. Bud has a plate of clams in his lap and he's 
rubbing his bloated stomach. Kelly also has a plate and there are two more full plates on the table.

Al:	Isn't this nice? A quiet evening alone with my loved ones.

Kelly:	Oh Daddy, that's so sweet.

Bud:	Oh, don't gush it up. He's talking about his clams.

Al reaches for one of the plates on the table.

TV:	In other news, the President of the largest bank in Japan was arrested yesterday for 
	starting a riot in a Chicago nudie bar.

Al and Bud laugh.

Bud:	Well, at least Mrs. D'Arcy didn't get demoted to drive-up teller this time.

Kelly:	Yeah, but now she's the ATM beeper.

Bud:	What's that?

Kelly:	Well, you know when you punch in your code and it goes beep?

Bud:	Yeah.

Kelly:	Yeah, that's her. [to Al] You know, Daddy, I'm sorry you didn't get your money for
 	your car.

Al:	I got my clams.

Kelly:	Yeah.

Al:	Dig in!

The three Bundys continue eating.

TV:	And in other news, a rare strain of botulism was discovered and traced back to the 
	all-you-can-eat clam night at the Chicago's "Hobo's Motor Lodge". [They lean closer]
	Fortunately, most of the tainted shellfish was stolen by a family of homeless thieves
	living in a Dodge.

They look at each other, shrug, sit back and continue eating.



THE END