Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy
Buck the Dog............Buck

Guest Cast:

Gilbert Gottfried.......Himself 
Teresa Parente..........Miranda Cardinal 
Hannah Eckstein.........Joy
Leilani Jones Wilmore...Reporter #1  
Keith Sellon-Wright.....Reporter #2
Kevin McBride...........Reporter #3
Scott Hartman...........Reporter #4
Melissa Chan............Reporter #5



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

Gilbert Gottfried, a fat woman named Joy, Al, Peg, Jefferson and Marcy (from left to right) 
are seated in a lifeboat which is floating in the middle of the ocean.

AL	Did I thank you for inviting me on this cruise, Peg?

PEGGY	Well, as a matter of fact, you haven't.

AL	Ah, then maybe a simple stake through the heart would suffice.

JEFF	Look, this is no time to turn on each other.

AL	We're alone in the middle of the ocean... it's a perfect time to turn on each other.

JEFF	Why don't you look on the bright side? It's a balmy summer day, we're on vacation...

AL	Well, now we know who we're going to eat first.

JOY	Dibs on the thighs!

MARCY	[grasping Jefferson's knee] Look, you cookie-isle of a woman: if you hadn't gnawed
 	through 12 inches of bulkhead to inhale some jerked chicken, none of us would be 
	here. So if anyone's gonna feed on my husband's dead thighs, it's gonna be me!

JEFF	Thanks, gumdrop. [kisses Marcy on the cheek]

AL	I can't stand this for one minute more.

PEGGY	Oh, come on, Al, it's a perfectly calm sea.

AL	Not the sea, Peg. It's... Gilbert Gottfried.

GILBERT	So I'm on a cruise. My agent says to me: "Go on a cruise. You don't have to follow
	Sinbad, and you don't have to follow Carrot Top. And you get to eat with the
	captain." So, am I eating with the captain? Am I eating? Am I even on a cruise
	anymore?? Somebody get my agent!!

AL	[miserably] Somebody get my spear gun.

JEFF	[chuckling] I think he's funny.

AL	Make it two spear guns.

PEGGY	So what do we do now?

MARCY	We bob around in the sea until the sun bakes us like cookies.

JOY	Cookies?

AL	Quiet, sea hags! Now, first thing we have to do is pick a leader. Who knows the
 	most about the sea?

GILBERT	David Hasselhoff.

AL	Okay, Gilbert's disqualified. Anyone else?

MARCY	Oh, what difference does it make? We're just gonna wind up with seagulls pecking
 	out our salt encrusted eyes.

AL	Thank you, Kathie Lee Gifford. 

PEGGY	Well, you know, Al really doesn't know much about the sea, so I think we're gonna -

AL	Excuse me, Loch Ness hairdo. I know two things about the sea. Number one: when you
	flush, it ends up here. 

Jefferson, who had been washing his hair in the ocean waters, sits back up and spits out water.

AL	And two: I've watched all 3000 episodes of Gilligan's Island.

PEGGY	How do you find the time?

AL	I don't have sex with you.

JEFF	Then it's decided: Al's captain.

JOY	Well, captain, now what?

AL	Well, as my first official act, I'm declaring my marriage null and void. And secondly, 
        I think we should strike out for land. Er, which way is land?

Each of the boat's five other passengers point in a different direction.

AL	[with sarcasm] Good, then we're on our way.

MARCY	This is useless. Al couldn't find land if he was skydiving. We're in the hands of a
 	blithering idiot.

AL	That's "Captain Blithering"!

GILBERT	Look, perhaps a brief comical interlude will help brighten the moment. I hope you
	can hear my jokes over the rumbling in my stomach.
	[He pounds on the side of the boat] Is this thing on? Right before we went down, I
	took a bunch of serving trays as props.

AL	Oh, much better than taking food.

JOY	Why couldn't have Gallagher been the entertainer? I mean, at least then we could
	have had watermelons.

AL	[smiling bitterly] Yeah, like we would've gotten any.

GILBERT	Anyway... Mickey Mouse on acid:

He holds the two red serving trays above his head at both sides, so they look like Mickey Mouse ears.

GILBERT	[screaming] Oh, I'm freaking out! Somebody help me! I'm having a bad trip! Ooh! [in
 	his normal voice again:] A midget, putting a dime in a pay phone:

He holds up both trays together so that they look like a giant coin, and pretends to
be laboring to lift them.

GILBERT	Clark Gabel:

He holds the trays on both sides of his head.

GILBERT	Vincent Van Gogh:

He puts down one of the trays. Jefferson laughs hysterically. Al places a noose around his neck.

AL	Peg, you wanna give this one tug?

GILBERT	Ironside:

He places both trays under his armpits and moves them back and forth quickly.


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

Kelly is sitting on the couch watching TV. Bud comes down the stairs.

KELLY	Oh, no, no, no! Bugs, don't go into that deserted mine! Yosemite Sam just threw
	dynamite in there! [She covers her eyes] Oh, God, I hope this is a re-run!

BUD	God, I hope you marry someone with money. Now, move over, I wanna watch the news.

Bud sits next to Kelly on the couch and switches the channel.

TV	And in close-to-showbiz news, radio personality and ex-pimple cream spokesman
	Wolfman Jack was found bound and gagged in a dumpster behind Planet Hollywood last
	night. [Bud and Kelly both look guilty] Police found several clues but instead
	opted to go inside, where it was warm.

BUD	It's the last time I let you hit someone with a shovel.

TV	In another late breaking story, the luxury cruise liner "Sea Dodge" went down last
	night in perfectly calm waters, somewhere in the Carribean.

BUD	Kelly, that's the ship Mom and Dad are on!

TV	All passengers have been accounted for, except one lifeboat, reportedly carrying
	comedian Gilbert Gottfried and some other people, including a woman with really
	silly red hair.

KELLY	Oh my God, Gilbert Gottfried and one of the Judds are lost at sea!

BUD	It's not one of the Judds, you zagnut. Kelly, do you know what this means?

KELLY	Mom and Dad! Oh my God, what are we gonna do? How're we gonna eat? How are we gonna
	pay the mortgage? Our lives are gonna be... exactly the same.

BUD	Look, we can't - we can't just sit here. We gotta get to the Carribeans somehow.

KELLY	Okay.

They get up and put on their jackets.

BUCK	Uh, don't forget to leave some food for the dog.

KELLY	How long are we gonna be gone?

BUD	I dunno. Maybe weeks.

BUCK	Uh, yo, dog here! Yo.

Bud opens the door. A news reporter is standing outside.

RPTR#1	I'm from the Chicago Examiner. Are you the people whose parents are lost at sea
	with the voice of Yabu the parrot, Gilbert Gottfried?

KELLY	Yeah.

RPTR#1:	[to the reporters standing behind her] Soup's on!

A large group of reporters and photographers storm in.

BUD	What's going on here?

RPTR#1	You are! We're here to bring the country live, minute-by-minute coverage of your
	anguish at the loss of Gilbert Gottfried.

RPTR#2:	...Yeah, and your parents.

KELLY	They might still be alive!

RPTR#1:	Yeah. And ???Haffa's/Half of us has??? eaten at Denny's.

BUD	Wait a second now! You people can't just barge in here and invade our privacy.
	Kelly, show these people out.

RPTR#1	We'll pay you a million dollars for your exclusive story.

BUD	Kelly, get these people a Snapple.

He sits on the couch and the reporters gather around him. Bud starts talking.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE


Back to the lifeboat. Al and Jefferson are urinating into the ocean. They finish and sit back down.

MARCY	It's been 24 hours. I'm starved.

JEFF	Ohhh. Me too. Hey Al, why aren't you hungry?

AL	'Cause I've got a natural appetite suppressant: 25 years of marriage.

PEGGY	Yeah, and since he doesn't brush, he can always mine his teeth for food.

JOY	Well, I'm starting to get hungry.

AL	Big surprise.

PEGGY	Some captain you are. If you're not gonna go down with the ship, at least do something.

AL	Oh, excuse me, Miss We-never-do-anything-together. We're dying together, Peg, are
	you happy now?

GILBERT	Well, just don't look at me to cheer anybody up anymore. You bent my props!

He holds up two bent trays.

GILBERT	As far as I'm concerned, we can float out here sans comedy and die a miserable,
	humorless death.

JEFF	Now look what you've done, Al. You've upset the entertainer!

AL	Good. Maybe he'll walk.

JOY	Hey, I know: we could try to catch a fish!

AL	How? We got no rod, we got no hooks, we got no bait...

Everyone looks at Gilbert Gottfriend, who smiles uneasily.

AL	Well, we got no rod and hooks.

Peg holds up a flare gun.

PEGGY	Hey, we've got this.

AL	Peg, Peg, Peg, that's a flare gun. We only use that when the rescuers try to find us.

PEGGY	Oh. But I don't want them to see my hair.

Peg throws the flare gun into the water.

AL	Well, now I know why Jacques Cousteau only has men on the Calypso.

GILBERT	Ah, that's not why.

JEFF	Hey. Hey, we've got an oar!

JOY	And there's dozens of little fish swimming around the boat. We just hit 'em with
	the oar, and dinner is served!

AL	Without cooking it?

JOY	Why bother? I mean, cooking just makes them smaller.

PEGGY	Al, just go hit a fish, will you?

AL	Oh, all right! 

He picks up an oar and moves to the front of the boat.

AL	It's always: "Al, I'm hungry. Al, I'm horny." Why can't it for once be: "Al, wake up,
        it's Cindy Crawford, I'm hungry and horny."

Al holds the oar above his head and waits.

PEGGY	Well, what are you waiting for?

AL	A red one. There it is!

He hits the fish with the oar.

AL	Gotcha! Hey, where'd she go?

MARCY	Where all dead fish go.

GILBERT	To The Red Lobster?

MARCY	No, Nimrod, to the bottom.

Al sits back down.

JEFF	Hey, Al, I just remembered the one thing I knew about the sea: if you beat a fish
	to a bloody pulp, it tends to attract other fish, bigger fish... fish with no known
	enemies.

A shark's fin appears behind the lifeboat and moves back and forth.

AL	Well, this is nice.

MARCY	Does anyone know how to repel a shark?

AL	Go ahead, Gilbert, do your impressions.

GILBERT	Okay. Jerry Lewis: [screaming shrilly] Oh yeah! Oh yeah, drumroll! How much money
	did we make?

The shark quickly leaves.


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

The Bundy living room, which is cluttered with media people. Someone is brushing another 
person's hair with a bright pink brush. A male reporter and a female reporter come down the
stairs, straightening their clothes. Miranda Cardinal is standing in front of the couch, where
Bud and Kelly are sitting, talking to reporters.

MIRANDA Hello! This is Miranda Vera Cruz de la Jolla Cardinal, live at the home of Kelly 
        and Bud Bundy, who are anxiously awaiting news on whether their parents will be 
        found alive, or if their decomposing corpses will be found weeks later in some South
	Florida bog. Oooh. [She sits on the couch] Bud and Kelly, I know that this is a
	difficult time for you, but can you tell me how you're feeling? And please be as
	graphic as possible.

BUD	We refuse to answer this line of questioning until we find out if they are alive.

MIRANDA I apologize if I seemed insensitive. So tell me, did your parents ever abuse you?

BUD	No.

RPTR#3	[to Kelly] Well, surely your father must've seen your hiney.

KELLY	Well, yeah, when I was a baby...

All the reporters gasp.

RPTR#4	Did Michael Jackson ever touch you?

RTPR#5	Did Bob Barker ever touch you?

RPTR#6	Tom Arnold?

RPTR#1	Roseanne?

RPTR#2	George Plimpton?

The other reporters make sounds of appraisal.

BUD	What is wrong with you people? Whatever happened to the noble image of the fourth
	estate? People like Edward R. Morrow and then Walter Cronkite.

RPTR#3	Who?

BUD	Wal - Walter Cronkite?

None of the reporters seems to be familiar with the name.

RPTR	Was he ever touched by Michael Jackson?

BUD	Get away from me, you ghouls! What was I even thinking, letting you people in here?
	Me and my sister will not sell our parents out for money. Right, Kel?

Kelly is talking to a reporter, who is putting bills in her hand as she talks.

KELLY	Well, then Daddy had Senator Packwood chase me around the bed... or was it Senator
	Mike Tyson? Yes, yes, it was both of them!


ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

It is night time at the lifeboat.

GILBERT	Okay, Jerry Seinfeld. [impersonating Jerry Seinfeld] Why do people drive buses?
	[Jefferson laughs hysterically] Who are these people? And where do they find exact
	change?

Jeff	[laughing] Hey, can you do Ted Kennedy?

GILBERT	Sure: Anyone wanna hold my pants?

Jefferson laughs again.

AL	Look, Peg. It's obvious we're not gonna be rescued. And it's even more obvious why.
	Well, look, one of us is gonna swim for help. Any volunteers?

There is a long silence.

MARCY	Okay, okay, we should draw straws. Did anybody bring straws?

JOY	I have straws.

She gives several straws to Al. Al gives her a funny look.

AL	Thank you. All right, whoever picks the short one - like we don't know who that's
	gonna be - swims for help.

They all pick straws. Al is left with the short one.

AL	Gee, I can't believe how small it is.

PEGGY	Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I've said that. 

Al gives her a look.

PEGGY	Oh Al, I'm just kidding. This is the bravest thing I've ever seen. You know, honey,
	we've been through a lot. Good times and bad times... and you know, if I never see
	you again, I just really want you to know that I love -

Al rolls back into the water and swims away.

MARCY	Boy, he's a fast swimmer!

JEFF	Yeah, look at him go! Well, what do we do now?

GILBERT	Well, there is a matter of my cheque. You see, just because the boat sinks, doesn't 
         mean a comic has to work for free.

MARCY	Put a tray in it, Gilbert!

JEFF	Well, he's right, sweetheart. Give the man a twenty.

MARCY	Fine. Get me my wallet.

JEFF	Okay, where is it?

MARCY	On the ocean floor. Don't you realize that we are stuck out here a million miles from
        nowhere? It's gonna be weeks before we see any sign of life.

SENATOR Ahoy there! We're a yacht full of congressmen wasting our constituents' tax dollars. 
        You need any help, or liquor or anything?

JOY	We're saved!

She hugs Gilbert.


SCENE FOUR

The Bundy living room. 
Peg is sitting on the couch with Miranda, surrounded by reporters.
Somebody fixes Miranda's makeup then she shoos them away.

MIRANDA That's enough, go away. [To Peggy] It's been two days since you were rescued, Mrs.
	Bundy, and they still haven't found your husband. 
	How do you fill about that? [Covers the mike when her hand] Cry if you can.

PEGGY	Well, of course we all want Al back. We thought he'd washed upon to the beach, but
	it turned out to be just a giant jellyfish. [Miranda egdes her to cry and she does
	so] Waaaaahh!

RPTR#2	Well, Mrs. Bundy, if your husband does turn up dead, we're willing to pay you a
	fortune for your exclusive story.

PEGGY	Really? Well, how much?

RPTR	Depends. What did he do for a living?

PEGGY	He was a shoe salesman.

RPTR#5	Fifty bucks. Unless, of course, he abused you...

The reporters all shove their microphones towards Peggy eagerly.

PEGGY	How much is that worth?

RPTR	500,000 dollars.

Peggy gets up.

PEGGY	Well, you know, he did make us drive around in that Dodge, and he made us live in 
	this house. Is that enough?

The reporters mutter in agreement and compassion and a photographer starts taking pictures of 
Peg. Al comes in with torn clothes.

KELLY	Daddy!

Kelly runs to Al. She and Bud hug him.

PEGGY	Oh Al... vin. 

She puts her arm around Al's shoulder.

PEGGY	Alvin Bundy. My late husband's identical twin. How nice of you to drop by on such a
	sad occasion.

AL	[out the corner of his mouth] How much, Peg?

PEGGY	Enough to make it worth you a while to walk out that door and never come back.

AL	F-five dollars?

RPTR#3	Nice try, Mrs. Bundy.

RPTR#4	And Mr. Bundy.

RPTR#1	Who's for rooting through Oprah's trash?

All of the reporters leave, except for Miranda and her cameraman.

MIRANDA  Well, perhaps some of our viewers, who sit way too close to the screen, might find
	your rescue story interesting.

AL	Well, it - it - it is, really. 

Al and Miranda sit on the couch.

AL	I swam for hours, and then, when I didn't think I could go on any longer, suddenly
	I was surrounded by a school of man-eating sharks, where miraculously some dolphins
	chased them away and swam me to safety. Man and dolphin, working together against a
	common enemy.

MIRANDA And did any of them abuse you?

AL	No, they saved my life.

MIRANDA Ugh. Turn the camera off.

She gets up and starts to leave.

BUD	Where are you going?

MIRANDA It's Sweeps, guys. Unless that dolphin was Michael Jackson's love child, we've got
	nothing.

Miranda and her cameraman leave.

AL	Uh, Peg, by the way, thanks for that all-out effort to find me after you were rescued.

PEGGY	Well, I wanted to wait to find you, but I was outvoted five to nothing. [She lowers
	her eyes] I mean, four to one.

KELLY	Mom, you shouldn't talk like that to Dad's twin. You know he's gonna tell.

AL	Peg, I'm only gonna say this once, because I'm tired, and I think I have a clam in
	my shorts.

PEGGY	Don't flatter yourself.

AL	No more magazine contests. As I've said before, no good can come of it.

The doorbell rings. Al gets up and opens the door. 
Gilbert Gottfried is standing outside holding a giant cheque.

GILBERT	Congratulations. I'm Gilbert Gottfriend and you've just won one...

Al slams the door shut.


THE END