Regular Cast

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy
Buck....................Buck the Dog

Special Appearance By

Wolfman Jack............Himself

Guest Cast

Lisa Stahl..............Gretchen
Mary Garripoli..........Julie




ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

Peggy is sitting on the couch, writing something in Modern Gal Weekly magazine.
Bud and Kelly come in.

BUD     Hi Ma.

KELLY   Hi Mom.

Kelly sits next to Peg.

PEGGY   Kelly, I am so glad you're home. I'm entering this new contest and I need you to think
        of something clever.

Bud looks at them oddly, then clears his throat.

PEGGY   Bud, is something wrong?

BUD     Yeah. Yeah, you just asked someone with the IQ of mustard to think of something
        clever.

KELLY   I will have you know, Oh Winged Monkey Man, that I am just as smart as anybody else
        in this room. So you don't have to spell out "ickwee" around me.

Peggy looks at her, then at Bud.

PEGGY   Bud, I'm so glad you're home. [Bud sits on the couch] See, this feminine hygiene
        company is looking for a sidekick for their new mascot to be the tampon. You got any
        ideas?

Bud looks uneasy.

KELLY   Mom, in Bud's defence, you're talking about an area he knows nothing about. Now if it
        had been for hand wigs or, say, finger lingerie...

BUD     [cutting her off] Hey hey, uhh... I think that's quite enough, Kelly. Mom, I thought
        Dad banned you from entering all these magazine contests.

PEGGY   I don't enter that many contests. I don't even get that many magazines!

Al enters with an armful of magazines.

AL      Mail call!

Al sorts through the magazines.

AL      Well, let's see what came today: Doll Maker... Lizard Quarterly... Ooh, look here:
        Ebony. Ester Rolle moved, Peg.

PEGGY   Where?

AL      Closer to the fridge. Oh, now what have we here: Amish Weekly. Ooh. "New Spring Color
        - Black."

BUD     Mom, are you sure anybody ever wins these contests.

PEGGY   Would Ed McMahon lie?

AL      Gee, I don't know. Would he drink? Would he laugh at something that's not funny? Would
        he tout the taste of dog food if he thought he could make a stinkin' buck??? [hangs up
        his jacket] Peg, I'm telling you that nobody ever, ever wins these contests!

There is a howl and some knocking and scratching at the door. Al curiously opens it.
Wolfman Jack is outside.

JACK    Hi, I'm Wolfman Jack! Let me in or I'm going to blow your mind down.

Al closes the door.

AL      Anybody here join a record club? Oh, you know, I'm talking about 30 years ago.

Wolfman Jack comes in again.

JACK    No, I'm here to lay something good on you. You guys have just won a million dollar
        grand prize!

All four Bundys get up and start cheering and dancing around.

AL      Peg! Peg, if you weren't my wife I'd kiss ya!

Wolfman Jack holds up a giant cheque.

JACK    Congratulations, Mrs. O'Sullivan!

PEGGY   Well, my name isn't O'Sullivan...

AL      Mine is! Top of the morning to ya, Wolf Mammy Na!

Al runs over to claim his prize, but Bud steps in.

BUD     Uh, listen, Low Jack...

JACK    That's Wolfman Jack.

BUD     Yeah, yeah, much cooler. Listen, our name is Bundy.

KELLY   Yeah, B-U-N-D and sometimes Y.

Wolfman Jack fishes some tickets out of his jacket.

JACK    Oh, listen Mrs. Bundy, you have just won first class accommodations on our luxury
        cruise to the Caribbean.

KELLY   How come only she won?

JACK    Because she wrote the most inspiring essay for New Widows magazine.

AL      "New Widows", Peg? So you do share my dream.

PEGGY   But you know, I don't wanna go on a cruise by myself. Hey, Mr. Wolfman, don't you
        think that you could bend the rules a little bit so that Al can come? 

AL      No!

PEGGY   Please?

AL      The man is unimpeachable. His character beyond reproach. He combines the best
        qualities of both wolf... and man.

PEGGY   There's 50 bucks in it for ya.

JACK    Sold! I'll tell you what, I'll take this first class ticket and I'll change it in for
        two economies.

AL      But Peg, I don't wanna go on a cruise. All that rocking up and down, side to side, 
        I'll be throwing up all night! [to WJ] Then there's the motion of the boat.


SCENE TWO

Marcy and Peg are sitting at the kitchen table. Marcy is looking at the tickets.

MARCY   Wow, a Caribbean cruise! Sounds romantic.

PEGGY   Oh it is.

MARCY   Al must hate it.

PEGGY   He does!

They laugh.

MARCY   Sounds like such fun. I wish Jefferson and I could do something like that.

PEGGY   Maybe I could trade these two tickets for four less expensive ones?

MARCY   Do you think they'd do that?

PEGGY   Well, let's find out.

Wolfman Jack is sitting on the Bundys' couch, eating.

PEGGY   Mr. Man!

JACK    Yo!

PEGGY   Do you think that you could trade these two really good tickets for four just okay
        ones?

JACK    Hey, anything's possible. You got 50 bucks?

PEGGY   Marcy?

MARCY   [walking over to WJ] Oh, why not. You know, if I don't spend it, Jefferson will.

She gives the tickets and money to Wolfman Jack. He gives her the sandwich he was eating.

JACK    Here ya go.

Marcy holds the sandwich in disgust.
Wolfman Jack gives her four tickets. Marcy reads them.

MARCY    Sub Sub Economy Class. I wonder what that is?


FLIP TO:

SCENE THREE

Peggy, Al, Marcy and Jefferson are swaying back and forth in unison in their small, crappy
cabin. It's a boiler room. 

AL      Well, The Love Barge. Thanks for bringing me, Peg.

PEGGY   Oh, it's not so bad.

AL      No, it's like 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. Except I'm married to the giant squid!

MARCY   Why must you always be so negative?

AL      Why did you cross the road???

Marcy kicks Al in the shin and walks off.

JEFRSN  Alright, so the room's a little cramped. Most of the time we're going to be up on
        deck eating, dancing, living the good life. [he chuckles] So who's the entertainer?

PEGGY   Gilbert Gottfried.

The other react in disgust.
Jefferson and Al huddle away from the women.

JEFRSN  Besides, who cares about the room? This is a singles cruise, that means wall-to-wall
        women, who will be sunning themselves with their tops unfastened.

They giggle like schoolboys.

MARCY   What are you guys laughing at?

JEFRSN  [innocently] Nothing.
AL      [innocently] Nothing.

JEFRSN  We're just happy to be here with the women we love.

AL      [quietly] And you guys.

They laugh again.

PEGGY   Well, I'm just glad you're looking on the bright side of things.

There is a knock at the door. Marcy goes to answer it.

AL      Me too, Peg. In fact, I can't remember when I've been so happy.

A short, fat, cheerful named Julie woman enters the room. 

JULIE   Hi! And welcome to Cruise Light, the high-fun, low-fat vacation for women who want to
        watch the whales, instead of being mistaken for them.

Al looks at her in horror.

AL      Now, wait a second. You're telling me that every passenger on this ship is... how can
        I put this... an island unto herself??

JULIE   Well, maybe now, but by the time we're done with our deprivation diets and non-stop
        exercise program, we'll look as beautiful as... [looks at Peggy and Marcy] Those two.

Jefferson walks over to Peggy and Marcy, but looks out the porthole.

JEFRSN  What two?

MARCY   She means us, Poop Deck.

AL      Oh my God, she does mean the wives. Jefferson, we're on the voyage of the damned!

Al and Jefferson sit on the bed, depressed.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Al and Jefferson are sitting on the bed, looking depressed. 
Peg, dressed up, is sitting away from them, sorting through her makeup.

AL      Why didn't you tell me this was a cruise for fat women?

PEGGY   'Cause you didn't ask me. [stands] Well, I gotta go. I'm getting my hair done for free
        by Mr. Maurice. You know who that is?

AL      Man with a lot of cats?

PEGGY   No, he is the stylist to the stars.

MARCY   Who do you think does Sandra Bernhart's hair?

AL      Ray Charles?

MARCY   Let's go, Peggy.

Marcy and Peggy leave.

PEGGY   We should've left them at home.

AL      Should've left us at the altar!

JEFRSN  Hey Al, you know what I'm thinking?

AL      How long it takes to swim home from here?

Another knock at the door. The knocker (Gretchen) cries out "Yoohoo!"
Jefferson goes to answer it.

AL      Don't answer that! That's a trap.

JEFRSN  What kind of trap?

AL      You know, they say "yoohoo", you open the door, they slap two pieces of bread around
        ya, you're never heard from again.

GRECHN  Hello, is there anyone in there?

JEFRSN  I don't know. She sounds thin. I'm gonna open it.

Jefferson opens the door to Gretchen, a hot babe. She's wearing an aerobics uniform and
carries a clipboard.

GRECHN  Hi, my name's Gretchen.

JEFRSN  Hi, my name's.... Wait a second, I can't remember my name. Quick, Al, what's my name?

AL      Captain No Nads.

GRECHN  You two are very funny. Are either of you Gilbert Gottfried?

AL      [pointing to Jefferson] He is.
JEFRSN  [pointing to Al] He is.

GRECHN  Well, uh, I wanted to find out if either of you will be taking aerobics classes.

JEFRSN  Are you taking them?

GRECHN  I'm teaching them.

AL      We're taking them!
 
JEFRSN  Uh, excuse me, Gretchen, but, uh... I thought all the passengers were... [Al whispers
        something in his ear] Jurassic. Uh, I-I mean... jolly.

GRECHN  May I share something with you?

AL      Sure! Jefferson, would you step outside.

Al pushes Jefferson aside and pulls Gretchen closer to him.

GRECHN  What I meant was since you're not part of the diet group, you can participate in our
        after hours activities.

JEFRSN  Uh, what, what kind of after hour activities?

GRECHN  Well, after our 6:30 round up and lock down for our larger passengers, we put away the
        celery and those disgusting choccie shakes and bring out the real food. [reads from
        her clipboard] Tonight is... Carnival, couscous and clothing-optional lambada.

Al and Jefferson contemplate this, then Al gestures for Jefferson to speak quietly to him.

AL      Jefferson, I'm dreaming. Pinch me.

Jefferson punches Al really hard across the face.

AL      OOWWWW!! I said PINCH me!!!

Jefferson pinches Al very hard on the stomach and Al again cries out in pain.
Al and Jefferson both look at each other funnily.

AL      [to Gretchen] Now let me get this straight. At 6:30 you herd all the buffalos back to
        their cells, you lock them up, and then a wild orgy of scantily clad crew and us take
        over the ship?

GRECHN  Right! Uh, is that okay?

AL      [deliriously happy] Yes... It's fine!

JEFRSN  [nearly in tears] Thank you.

GRECHN  Great! I'll see you guys there.

Gretchen walks out.


SCENE TWO

Back at the Bundy house, Bud and Kelly are sitting on the couch, with Wolfman Jack between
them.

JACK    You know the trouble with rock 'n' roll today?

BUD     It took out the bubble machine?

KELLY   Um, Mr. Jackman... it's not that we haven't enjoyed your cute little stories about
        things that happened even before Dick Clark was born, but... You've been here for a
        week. I mean, shouldn't you be out cruising with the Ho Dads or the Ho Moms, or...
        whatever "hos" you guys run around with?

JACK    You know, there's a lot more to Wolfman Jack than just "Hi, here's your prize." Do you
        ever listen to Wolfman Jack on the radio live from Planet Hollywood?

Bud leans over to talk to Kelly quietly.

BUD     Whatever he says, just say "yes."

KELLY   [to WJ] Yes.

JACK   I also wrote a book, my autobiography. Would you like me to read you a little bit of it?

Bud looks worriedly at Kelly.

KELLY   ...Yes.

Wolfman Jack opens his book.


SCENE THREE

Back on the ship, Al is standing in the room, looking out the porthole. 
Marcy, drunk as hell, enters the room. She sees Al, throws her drink onto the floor, and taps
Al on the shoulder. He turns around and she jump on him, wrapping her legs around his waist.

MARCY   Oh Al! This is the best vacation I have ever been on. Thank you!

Marcy thanks Al by kissing him on the lips, then jumps down. Al reacts in disgust.

AL      ARGH! You beaked me!!! Have you been drinking?

MARCY   Not since I had a drink!

AL      What do you want?

MARCY   Oh Al, it is amazing out there. The women may be huge, but the male crew can swab my
        deck anytime!

AL      Well, that shouldn't take long. Where's Peg?

MARCY   Well, she's still getting here hair done. [starts giggling] But I don't know why
        because it always looks really silly. Don't tell Al! 

She giggles, walks around Al and tries to compose herself.

MARCY   Anyway, Al. At 6:30, I am going back upstairs for aqua aerobics. The male crewmembers
        are going to pretend to be dolphins, and I get to pet their dorsal fins. [giggles] And
        vice versa.

She smiles again, then collapses back onto the bed. Then she lifts her head up again.

MARCY   Don't tell Jefferson.

AL      Marcy, did you happen to notice if any of the female crewmembers were going to pretend
        to be dolphins?

MARCY   [sitting up] Hmm, no. I think they're going to be mermaids. Or whatever it is you call
        it when you swim around topless.

Al reacts excitedly. Marcy gets up and shuffles out.

MARCY   I better see what's keeping Peggy.

She opens the door to find a hunky crewman wearing Speedos standing outside.

MARCY   Well, hi ho, Flipper! [She jumps on his back.] Awayyyyyy!!!

Flipper carries Marcy out.
Jefferson appears in the doorway, wearing a crewmember's uniform. He notices Marcy leaving
with "Flipper", but just smiles.

JEFRSN  [to Al] Are you ready to roll, buddy?

AL      Ten seconds to lock down!

Jefferson and Al start counting down: "5, 4, 3, 2, 1..." 
A loud horn sounds, then the entire ship shakes as if fat women are being herding back to
their cells. Some loud gates are heard closing. 
Moments later, carnival party music stars playing. Al and Jefferson start dancing.

AL      It's samba time!

They start dancing out the door, only to immediately dance back inside. Peggy follows them.
Her hair has been styled in a godawful way.

PEGGY   Well, Al, what do you think?

AL      [trying not to notice her hair] About what, Peg?

PEGGY   My hair!

AL      Oh, your hair, it's, uh... fine, Peg!

JEFRSN  If you're Lyle Lovett.

AL      Shaddup! No, he said that, uh, I'll love it! You ready to go, Peg?

PEGGY   Yeah, I guess.

JEFRSN  Well, it's kinda cool up there; you better wear a bag.

Peggy starts crying.

JEFRSN  A hat! A hat! I meant "a hat."

PEGGY   I can't go out in public like this!

AL      [consoling her] Oh, I know you can't sweetheart, I know you can't. Come on, Jefferson,
        let's go.

Peggy stops Al.

PEGGY   You can't go either!

AL      WHY? My hair don't look like crap!!!

Peggy cries even louder.

AL      AH, WHAT'S THE MATTER NOW, PEG???

JEFRSN  Why don't I just go... check things out. You just call me if you need me.

AL      Oh, I need you!

Jefferson does a little dance and rushes out, not intending to help Al out at all.
Peggy grabs Al's shirt and hugs him.

PEGGY   Oh, hold me, Al!

AL      No, I wanna go to the party!!

As Peggy hugs him, Al can see perfectly out the porthole. He watches everybody partying and
all the scantily clad babes dancing around. Gretchen is seen riding on "Flipper"'s back. 
Two babes walk over to Al's porthole and dance in front of him. 


SCENE FOUR

Peggy is sitting on the bed, looking at her hair in the mirror and getting depressed.
Al is standing at the porthole. Marcy is seen dancing provocatively with "Flipper". 
Jefferson appears after her, dancing with two babes.

PEGGY   You don't mind staying in with me, do you Al?

AL      Na-hah. I'd much rather be in here than out there in a... Russ Meyer movie.

PEGGY   Good. 'Cause I am never leaving this room.

Outside the porthole, a babe suggestively takes her bikini top, then bottoms, off and shows
them to Al.

PEGGY   Al...

AL      What?

PEGGY   Make love to me.

AL      Why? I didn't screw up your hair!

PEGGY   It's just that I feel so unattractive. Especially with those aerobics girls bouncing
        around up there. You know, I'd know you'd rather be on deck rather than staying in
        here with me and I really do appreciate it. You know, Al, I know that I don't say it
        much but you are a great guy. Al?

Peggy looks around and turns on the lights. Al was trying to sneak out but stops in the
doorway.

AL      Oh, smell that salt hallway air, Peg...

PEGGY   Fine. If you'd rather be up there partying while your wife is here who needs you, just
        go right ahead!

AL      Thanks. Bye!

Just as Al leaves, Jefferson rushes in.

JEFRSN  We're going down!!

AL      What, you mean the party's moved?

Marcy rushes in.

MARCY   No! The ship is sinking!!!

JEFRSN  One of the fat women smelled a jerked chicken and tried to cut through the floor with
        a blowtorch!

Marcy and Jefferson start putting on life jackets.

PEGGY   [getting up] Oh my God! We're really sinking???

AL      Oh, come on! If we were really sinking, you'd think I could look in this porthole and
        see... 

He looks at the porthole. It is filling up with water outside

AL      FFFIIIISSSSHHHH!!!!!

MARCY   Oh my God, we're going to diiiieee!!!!!

AL      Thank you, Peg, for booking me on the Titanic!!!


Everybody starts screaming.


TO BE CONTINUED



DIRECTED BY  GERRY COHEN
 WRITTEN BY  MICHELLE WOLFF
 CREATED BY  MICHAEL G. MOYE AND RON LEAVITT
CO-PRODUCER  MICHAEL GREENSPON
   PRODUCER  JOHN MAXWELL ANDERSON

COPYRIGHT (C) 1995
ELP COMMUNICATIONS
All Rights Reserved