Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill ............ Al Bundy
Katey Sagal ........... Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse ......... Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate ... Kelly Bundy
David Faustino ........ Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley .......... Jefferson D'Arcy

Guest Cast:

Dave .................. Marty Rackham
Chance ................ David Drumond
Sven .................. John Robert Lafleur



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE


Peggy is sitting on the couch, watching TV.

TV       Today on Oprah... Qualified experts speak rationally about relevant social issues.

PEGGY    What!?

Peggy nearly changes the channel.

TV       Just kidding! Today's topic: Sluts who hang out at 7-11!

Peggy laughs happily and claps.
Marcy enters.

MARCY    Congratulations, Peggy! [sits next to Peg] Happy 25th wedding anniversary. How do you do
         it?

PEGGY    Well, I don't. Well... I do, but only after Al goes to sleep. You know, to tell you the
         truth, Marcy, I don't think Al even knows that today is our anniversary.

MARCY    Well, I hope you're not planning anything special for him.

PEGGY    Of course I am. I am getting him the sweat socks that Michael Jordan wore in his last
         game, signed and unwashed for $500.

MARCY    Now why would you go to all that trouble when you know he's not getting you anything?

PEGGY    Because then I will own him. I will have something to lord over him for the rest of his
         hunched over, minimum wage earning, fat lady pleasing, shoe selling life.

MARCY    Well, at least you are going to get one great anniversary present, because I am taking
         you to one of Chicago's finest massage and beauty spas - Antoine's Under The El. I
         bought the all day Soak 'n' Poke package!

PEGGY    Massage? Well, I don't know, Marcy. You know, I'm not comfortable taking my clothes off
         for total strangers.

MARCY    They'll be men.

PEGGY    What are we waiting for?? Let's go!

Peggy and Marcy leave excitedly.
Moments later, Al and Jefferson enter through the back door and into the kitchen.

JEFRSN   Oh, took forever for them to leave.

AL       Yeah, but much like a 'roid, they come back with a vengeance. That's one thing I learned 
         from my first 800 years of marriage.

JEFRSN   Well, where'd you hide Peggy's gift?

AL       In a place she'd never think to look.

Checking to see no one is coming, Al walks over to a pot on the stove. He takes out a nicely
wrapped necklace and shows the jewel to Jefferson.

JEFRSN   Diamond necklace?!

AL       All part of my master plan to avoid having sex with the wife. 

Jefferson follows Al into the living room.

AL       See, first I take her to Denny's. She stuffs herself so full of popcorn shrimp, she
         lists to one side. And just before she's ready to belch "I love you," I lay this on her.
         Between the combination of shrimp, necklace - and the Nike wall mickey I'll be slipping
         in her pina colada - she'll be unconscious, I'll be home watching midget wrestling, and
         the only hand down my pants will be my own.

Al hides the present between the folds of the couch and sits back contentedly.
Kelly, Bud and Buck enter.

BUD      Dad, got a problem.

KELLY    We were out walking Buck when we ran into old Mrs. Stewart.

BUD      She was wearing her yellow rain slicker and I guess Buck must've thought she was a fire
         hydrant.

KELLY    [fishing out a piece of paper] So, in a butt shell... here's her cleaning bill, and a
         court date.

Kelly and Bud join Al and Jefferson on the couch.

KELLY    Daddy, what's wrong with Buck?

AL       Well, now kids, come here. I never thought I'd be having this conversation, because 
         frankly I didn't think I'd still be alive on this, my 40,000th anniversary... but it's
         time we all face facts: Buck's getting old.

KELLY    Is he gonna die?

AL       [looking at the bill] Yes.

Kelly reacts in shock.

AL       Go play.

Kelly nearly starts crying.

AL       What??

JERFSN   Kelly, what Father Teresa... is, is trying to say is that, it's because Buck is getting
         old, it doesn't mean he's going to die immediately. Now, the important thing is that you
         just treat him like any other member of the family when they get old and senile.

BUD      You mean steal their food and mix up their medicine?

Al doubles over with laughter. Bud quickly points at Al as if to say, "see?"

KELLY    I don't want Buck to get old and senile.

AL       Pumpkin, sweetheart, let me explain the aging process to you. I too was a young man...

Kelly and Bud look away in despair.

BUD      Ah no.

AL       Young enough to score four touchdowns in a single game! Then darkness cast her giant red 
         shadow over the land. It was... The Wife Age.

BUCK     And he thinks I'm getting old.

AL       I never wanted children. I wanted to just work on car engines and make kissing sounds 
         when women walked by me. The wife never shared my dream.

BUCK     I've got to prove to him that I'm not senile. I know, I'll bury a bone, that'll show 
         him! Now if I could just find a bone...

We see Buck's blurred vision and he tries to hunt for a bone. He bumps into the coffee table.

BUCK     Oh, ah, excuse me, madam.

Buck spies Al's wrapped necklace under the couch.

BUCK     Ahh, there's a bone. 

Thinking it's a bone, Buck grabs the necklace in his mouth.

BUCK     Now, to take it to the backyard.

Buck bumps into the couch.

BUCK     Can you stop following me?

Buck finds his way out the back door. 
Al is still rambling on.

AL       25 years? How can that be? I was just in high school! [whining] Why? I didn't do 
         anything wrong!!


SCENE TWO

Antoine's Under The El.
Peggy and Marcy enter. They are both wearing green bathrobes.

PEGGY    So, this is how women who didn't marry shoe salesmen live.

MARCY    And it only gets better. We're starting with a Tibetan sensuous massage with cactus
         fronds.

PEGGY    Is that good for you?

MARCY    Oh, it's great! It takes off the first four layers of dead skin.

PEGGY    Well, what if your skin isn't dead?

MARCY    It will be...

A hunky man named Sven approaches Marcy.

SVEN     Mrs. D'Arcy, how lovely to see you again.

Marcy greets Sven and shakes her hand.

MARCY    Oh, Sven, this is Peggy.

Sven takes Peggy's hand and kisses it. She laughs giddily. Peggy then starts to open her robe,
but Marcy stops her.

MARCY    Peggy, Sven is mine.

SVEN     Chance, your masseur, will be with you shortly. [back to Marcy] Mrs. D'Arcy, are you
         prepared to be pricked?

MARCY    [smiling] Am I!

Sven and Marcy leave.
A handsome man named Dave walks by Peggy and she holds out her hand.

PEGGY    Chance??

DAVE     [stopping] No, I'm Dave, I'm straight and I run the gift shop.

PEGGY    Hi. I'm Peggy, I'm celibate and it's my 25th wedding anniversary.

DAVE     Anniversary? No. I would've thought it was your 25th birthday.

Peggy laughs again.

PEGGY    Oh, I'll take five.

DAVE     I haven't shown you anything yet.

PEGGY    [giddily] Ohhh, yes you have!

DAVE     Well then, ah, why don't we just step into my office?

Dave, looking around secretly, leads Peggy to his counter.

PEGGY    Oh well, I guess I could do that for a minute. I'm waiting for my cactus treatment.

DAVE     Oh, uh, Peggy? Now I may be way out of line here, but I feel that your skin is much too
         delicate [taking her hand] to be subjected to the 'cactus smacket'. Now I have a toner
         here that can produce that same rosy glow without the pain. And it's only fifty dollars.

Chance, armed with a spiky green paddle, approaches Peggy.

CHANCE   Mrs. Bundy? I'm Chance, your masseur. Are you ready to join your friends in pleasure?

Chance holds the spiky paddle up for Peggy to see. Off screen, someone, presumably Marcy, is 
heard being whacked with a paddle and she screams.

PEGGY    Hold your fronds, Chance. [turns back to Dave] Only fifty dollars, you say?


SCENE THREE

The Bundy house.
Bud and Kelly are cleaning a dirty Buck and the dirty floor around him.

BUD      Ah, you're a bad boy. Bad boy.

KELLY    Buck, don't you know you're not supposed to track mud into the house?

BUCK     No problem. Next time I'll just fly around the room until my paws dry on their own.

Al enters. He is wearing a tuxedo with a rainbow-colored waistcoat and bow tie. The legs are way 
too short for him and the sleeves are just barely fitting.

AL       Kids, look what Daddy rented for eight dollars.

Al turns around to display his bargain. There is a sign that reads "Farquhar's Formals" on the
back of his jacket.
Bud and Kelly look at Al and try not to laugh too loud.

BUD      Did it come with the matching Urkel glasses?

AL       Laugh all you want.

Bud and Kelly immediately start laughing.

AL       Shut up! [they stop laughing] Now. With the money I saved [reaching for his hidden
         necklace in the couch] I was able to buy your mother... this.

Al, without looking, holds up what he thinks is the necklace, but instead it is a dirty, 
half-eaten candy bar with hair on it.
Bud and Kelly look at Al oddly.

BUD      A hairy Abbazabba?

Al looks at his hand. He drops the Abbazabba in disgust.

AL       Alright kids... where's your mother's necklace?

KELLY    We don't know, Dad.

AL       I had it in a white box with a red ribbon around it!

BUCK     Odd... I buried a white bone with a red ribbon around it.

AL       I put it right there under that cushion!

BUCK     Uh oh. This won't look good on the old resume. Okay, I'll just go dig it up and put it
         back where I got it. How easy is that? [pauses] What am I looking for?

Buck starts his way out the door, but first bumps into the desk.

BUCK     Ooh. Pardon me, sir.

AL       Alright, let me explain something to you kids. If I don't get that necklace then I can't 
         give it to your mother. If I can't give it to your mother, then I have to GIVE IT to
         your mother. And if I have to give it to your mother, I'm gonna give it to you.

Buck comes back in with the red ribbon in his mouth.

BUCK     Well, another mystery solved. I think someone owes someone else an apology.

BUD      [looking over at Buck] Wait a sec, Dad... is that the ribbon from the box?

Al looks.

AL       Well, that's the ribbon... but the necklace is still gone!

BUCK     I'm going invisible now.

Buck sinks to the floor. 

BUCK     There. I'm invisible.

Al steps up beside Buck.

BUCK     Uh oh. Damn ribbon gave me away.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

The backyard. 
Al, Bud and Kelly are shouting insults and orders to Buck, who sits in front of them.

BUCK     Whoa, people, one at a time.

AL       You moron, fleabag, pitiful excuse for a dog! Where is that necklace?

BUD      I don't think he's gonna tell us, Dad.

AL       Why not?

BUD      He's a dog.

KELLY    Oh Buck. [patting him] Come on, find the necklace, boy.

AL       This is getting us nowhere. I look in the dog's eyes, all I see is the other side of the 
         yard. We're just gonna have to start digging.

BUD      Dad, he's not even dead yet.

AL       For the necklace, you cartoon character!


SCENE TWO

Back at the spa, Dave is still showing Peggy her purchases.

DAVE     Okay, let's see what we've got. [picking up items] The Margaret Cho Chin Wrap, the
         Rosewood Paddle Fanny Toner, and the Tommy Lee Jones Crater Spackle. [adds up his total] 
         which comes to... three hundred dollars. But for you, Peggy, I'm gonna take off fifteen
         percent. [totalling on his calculator] then add fifteen for gratuity... which brings us
         to... Oh, let's just round this off to three hundred dollars.

PEGGY    How do you people make any money?

Chance returns. 

CHANCE   Mrs. Bundy, it's getting late. It's time for your Mexican pepper facial and spine pull.

Marcy is heard screaming off screen again.

CHANCE   Very refreshing!

Peggy laughs nervously.

PEGGY    Hey, look. [gives some money to Chance] Here's five bucks. Go get yourself some pogs.

CHANCE   [excitedly] Gee, thanks, Mrs. Bundy!

Chance runs off.

PEGGY    Alright, Dave, show me more. [pointing to what looks to be Dave's bagged lunch] What's
         in that bag?

DAVE     Oh, that's just my lu... [getting the bag] new line of cosmetics. Ah, but it's only for
         celebrities. What's your favorite TV show?

PEGGY    Oprah.

DAVE     [mock surprise] What a coincidence -- Oprah uses this line.

Peggy giggles.

PEGGY    Oh, please, I must have that.

DAVE     [enticingly] Oh, and so you shall...

Peggy studies the bag, intrigued.


SCENE THREE

Kelly, Al and Bud are digging in the backyard. Buck lies down in front of them.

AL       Stupid, useless, meat-by-product of a dog. You'd think he could least be decent enough
         to help the people who love him.

KELLY   Daddy, don't be mad at him. I mean, I'm sure he feels bad in his own sort of way.

Buck starts daydreaming. Heavenly music plays. 
Buck's father appears in a blue tunnel of light.

FATHER  Buck, come into the light.

BUCK    Daddy?

Meanwhile, the three Bundys are still digging. Kelly puts the shovel in the ground and hits
something.

KELLY   Hey, hey, I think I hit something.

AL      That's my foot!

Al removes his foot.

KELLY    No, no, not that. [picks up what looks like a mouldy fruitcake] This. What is it?

AL       Well, it's either that fruit cake Grandma Wanker gave us last Christmas... or it's the
         black box from my wedding night.

Kelly tosses the maybe-cake aside.

BUD      How pathetic. Grown man burying things in the backyard.

Al picks up a dirt-covered, deflated rubber woman. Bud doesn't notice.

KELLY    Uhh... Bud?

Bud looks up and tries his best to look innocent.

BUD      [to Buck] Bad dog! Bad, bad dog.

AL       Alright now, kids. Now, can we focus on my shame? We've got to find this necklace!

KELLY    Come on, Buck, you know where it is. Just show us what you've got, boy.

Buck daydreams again. This time, Buck's mother appears in the tunnel of light.

MOTHER   Buck, come into the light. It's all goodness and love.

BUCK     Mommy?


SCENE FOUR

Back at the spa, Dave is showing the contents of his lunch to a fooled Peggy.

DAVE     Plum essence eye toner... the albacore and mayonnaise pore rejuvenator... and the
         ?famous-amous facial disc.

Sven brings Marcy out in a wheelchair. Her head is tilted to the side.

SVEN     Done!

MARCY    I feel so wonderful. So relaxed. So paralysed.

SVEN     You look twenty years younger.

MARCY    Then I'll live with it.

Peggy joins them.

MARCY    Uh, Peggy, I can't lift my head any higher, but I'm sure you look fabulous. [sniffs] You 
         certainly smell good.

PEGGY    Oh yeah, that must be my Baby Ruth body balm.

MARCY    Shall we go get Al's present?

PEGGY    Can't. I spent all his money on stuff for me. [laughs] But it's no big deal. Maybe if I 
         don't mention it, he won't either. Let's go get dressed.

MARCY    By the by, Sven, will I be able to walk again?

SVEN     When you look this beautiful the world will come to you.

Peggy and Marcy laugh.

MARCY    Am I smiling? I can't feel my face.

Peggy wheels Marcy out.


SCENE FIVE

Al, Bud and Kelly have now dug up half the backyard.

BUD      Look, Dad... Dad, we've been digging for hours. I don't think we're gonna find the 
         necklace.

AL       No problem. I've still got two plans. Plan A - I drive to a jewellery store, steal a 
         necklace, shoot my way out... and get back here before your mom gets home.

A car is heard pulling up.

BUD      Mom's home!

AL       Plan B - I lay down in the hole, you cover me up with dirt.  

Bud and Kelly start piling dirt onto Al's feet.

AL       What's that? "Daddy, please don't kill yourself"? Oh, well, maybe Peg forgot about our
         anniversary. I mean, it's not a topic that would be on Oprah or Geraldo. [getting out of
         the dugout] I know, maybe if I don't say anything, she won't. But if she does, I can
         count on you two to kill me, right?

BUD      You can count on us, Dad.

AL       Good. Then that's present enough for this -- my one-billionth anniversary.

Al quickly runs inside, jumps over the back of the couch and sits on it. He quickly picks up the 
remote and puts his hand down his pants.
Peggy enters.

PEGGY    Uhh, hi, Al!

AL       Hi, Peg!

PEGGY    You watching TV?

AL       Yep.

PEGGY    Don't you think you should turn it on?

AL       [covering up] Nope!

Peggy quickly puts her Antoine's bag beside the couch where Al won't see it and then sits next to
Al. Both are quiet for a moment.

AL       So, Peg... what did you do all day?

PEGGY    Oh, nothing. Went out with Marcy, spent a bunch of your money, you know - same old, same 
         old. [laughs] What you do today?

AL       Oh, nothing. Rented a tuxedo, dug up the yard... same old, same old.

PEGGY    Isn't it nice to have an absolutely nothing out of the ordinary kind of day?

AL       Yeah, I was just thinking the same thing, Peg. Happy Absoultely Nothing Out of the
         Ordinary Day, Peg.

PEGGY    Back at ya, Al! [giggles] Wanna go upstairs?

AL       Why not, I'm already dirty.

Al holds out his arm for Peg and she takes it. They stand.

AL       This isn't for anything... special, though, is it?

PEGGY    Ohhh, nooo. [they start upstairs] I just thought that the best way to end an absolutely
         nothing out of the ordinary kind of day was by doing... absolutely nothing!

AL       [laughing] I agree, Peg!

They laugh, put their arms around each other and go upstairs.
Buck then enters, with the necklace in his mouth.

BUCK     I found it. I found the necklace! I didn't bury it, it was in my bowl. Odd no one 
         spotted it under the two pieces of kibble. Oh, guys? Guys?

A female dog named Bebe enters.

BEBE     Buck! Don't tell me you forgot our second anniversary?

BUCK     Forget? Why no... uh, uh...

BEBE     Bebe!

BUCK     Of course, I, uh... didn't recognise your face, I so rarely see this end of you. 

BEBE     Well, did you get me anything?

BUCK     Did I get you anything?

Buck puts the necklace on the floor.

BEBE     Oh, Buck, oh! It's beautiful! I'm so happy.

BUCK     Great. Can I take you to a toilet, buy you a drink?

BEBE     [giggles] Oh, Buckie. You wanna go upstairs?

BUCK     After you, my dear.

Bebe runs upstairs. Buck watches her.

BUCK     Ahh, Bebe! Now I remember! And they call me "senile"...

Buck runs upstairs.


 THE END