Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy
Buck the Dog............Buck

Special Guest Star:

David Garrison..........Steve Rhoades

Guest Cast:

Harold Sylvester.........Griff
Michael Faustino.........Mikey, the Manager
Ian Gomez................Car wash employee #1
Rick Batalla.............Car wash employee #2
Pierre Gonneau...........Mr. D'Player




ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

Bud and Kelly are sitting on the couch, discussing.

BUD)    OK, Kel, let's go over the plan one more time, OK? You can't go to Wanker County 
        with Mom and Dad because...

KELLY)  I have to do a commercial for Traffic Safety.

BUD)    And I can't go to Wanker County with Mom and Dad because...

KELLY)  A rubber sheep is demanding you take a blood test?

BUD)    Fine! Fine! We'll go to Wanker County. But don't come running to me when they ask
        you why you're still single when you have a perfectly good brother.

KELLY)  Bud, I was just kidding. I can do this with my eyes closed. I mean, Daddy was able
        to look me in the eye and break me when the police brought me home at two in the
        morning, but I am not eleven anymore.

The sound of a Dodge is heard outside.

BUD)    OK, there's the Dodge Early Warning System. [They head to the backdoor] Now,
        remember the plan.

KELLY)  Gotcha. What plan? 

Bud pushes Kelly out the back door and closes it. 

KELLY)  Kidding!

Al and Peg enter through the front door.
Al is carrying a bag labelled "Simply Crap".

PEGGY)  Al, why are you in such a bad mood? Most men like to go shopping with their wives.

AL)     Sure, for coffins! I hate buying stuff for the Wanker folk, Peg!

PEGGY)  Oh, they just don't have the things we don't have. They like stuff from the big
        city. Make sure we got it all.

AL)     [taking the items out of the bag] Wax. String. Things that go "click".

PEGGY)  And to think, they bestowed their highest honor on YOU.

AL)     Well, that's understandable. I'm the only person they saw who doesn't have a shell.

PEGGY)  Scoff all you want, but I think being named the Grand Marshall of the Wanker County
        Bicentennial Parade is a big deal.

BUD)    Yeah, Dad. They're celebrating two hundred years. 

AL)     Since what? They crawled from the ocean? No way was it that long ago.

PEGGY)  Two hundred years ago it was bought from the Indians.

AL)     Ah, not the Legend of Wanker County again...

PEGGY)  Wanker County was originally called "Olbie Wooba Possum Watamee" which means, "Land
        of the Big Gassy Possum".

AL)     Which explains why Disney has no interest in putting a theme park there.

BUD)    Well, I for one am very excited to be going.

Peggy smiles at him, but nothing else happens.

BUD)    Ahem! I said "I for one am very exciting to be going." To Wanker County. 
        With my sister.

A knock at the door, then Kelly enters.

KELLY)  Hi Mom, hi Dad. I'm afraid I have some bad news. Bud and I won't be able to go with
        you to Wanker County. [Tries to wink furtively at Bud] You see, I have to shoot a
        commercial for Traffic Safety, and Bud, since he works for the Department of Motor
        Vehicles, is going to consult. The end. [she curtsies] Well, goodbye!

Kelly starts her way out the door, but Al stops her.

AL)    HOLD IT! [he walks over to her] Pumpkin, I want you to look Daddy in the eye.

Kelly carefully and painfully looks Al in the eye.

KELLY)  OK, it was a lie! But it was all Bud's idea.

BUD)    That's right.

He puts a pair of jeans and another shirt into a suitcase and shuts the lid.

KELLY)  I wanted to go to Wanker County. Not only that - last Tuesday, Bud drank milk right
        from the carton. When he was eleven, he smoked a cigarette.

Al walks over to Bud.

AL)     When I think of the pain and the suffering that I went through for you to be
        conceived! You should be ashamed of yourself for deceiving your family this way.
        I...

Al is cut off by a knock on the door.
Al opens it to Griff.

GRIFF)  Al, the home office has just ordered us to have a twenty-four hour emergency shoe
        sale!

Kelly rolls her eyes as Peg looks at Griff and Al suspiciously.

GRIFF)  The fat women have landed. You gotta come!

AL)     Oh, dash it all! I was going to Wanker County. I'm sorry Peg. [to Griff] Let's go,
        buddy.

PEGGY)  Just a second! [She stands up and marches over to Griff] Griff, look me in the eye.

Griff painfully looks Peg in the eye and breaks down.

GRIFF)  There really is no shoe sale! It was all Bud's idea. [Bud looks shocked] He dialled
        some 976 numbers from the shoe store. And he took a handful of Cerebral Palsy mints
        without paying. And you know what he did when he was eleven, right?

PEGGY)  Goodbye, Griff.

GRIFF)  See you when you get back, Al?

AL)     Oh, you can count on it, buddy!

Al slams the door behind him.

PEGGY)  Now, aren't you three ashamed of yourselves?

AL)     You mean in general, or because of this Wanker County hooey?

PEGGY)  We are all going and that's final.

Buck comes into the room with a hot water bottle on his head and a thermometer in his mouth.

PEGGY)  Not going to work, Buck!

BUCK)   It was all Bud's idea.

PEGGY)  Now. We're all gonna go and we're all gonna have fun, right?

KELLY)  Right, Mom.
BUD)    Right, Mom.

AL)     No.

Peggy takes her coat from the closet.

PEGGY)  Great. Now, let's stop at the car wash.

AL)     What for?

PEGGY)  So the Dodge will look nice in the parade!

AL)     How nice do we have to look? This year's theme is "Thumbs: Show 'Em If Ya Got 'Em".

Peg beckons them to follow her and they leave.


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

The car wash.
On-screen text: Traugott's House of Scrubbin'
Peggy and Al are shopping while the Dodge is being washed.

AL)     You know Peg, I hate carwashes. That Dodge is a finely tuned precision instrument. 
        I don't want some stranger's rough hands all over it.

A man approaches him.

MAN 1)  Uh sir, we need the keys.

Al takes a screwdriver out of his back pocket and gives it to him.

AL)     Now, you keep your hands off my CD player.

PEGGY)  Al, we don't have a CD player.

AL)     Uh, we would have, Peg, if you hadn't said that. [Al spots something on the shelf] 
        Oh, Peg look, carborators! 

PEGGY)  The Dodge does not need a carborator. It couldn't hit sixty if you dropped it 
        out of a plane.

AL)     [making a fist] No, but you could, Peg! [he spots something else] Oh, Peg, look,
        Car-Bras!

PEGGY)  The Dodge does not need a Car-Bra.

AL)     Oh, it's not for the Dodge, Peg. No, it's for your mom! [Al holds the box up] Look,
        it's even in her size: "Astro Van"!


ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

Kelly, Bud and Buck are standing outside the carwash, in front of flashing sign that says 
HOT WAX.

BUD)    You know, Kel, I've always wondered. Does that hot carnauba wax really come out when
        the light comes on?

KELLY)  Gee, Bud, maybe you should save those mind-bending incites for a date. Or perhaps a
        willing rubber ear.

BUD)    I'm sorry, Kel. I forgot that the only talking that goes on in your dates is, "Keep
        the line moving."

KELLY)  Look at this place. What kind of loser works in a carwash?


ACT ONE

SCENE FOUR

Inside the carwash.
Jefferson is ushered into the room by Marcy. 
Jefferson is wearing a Trauggot's House O' Scrubbin' apron.

JEFF)   Marcy, I don't want to work in a carwash!

MARCY)  Look, I am tired of coming home after a hard day and hearing you say, "Honey, 
        guess who was on Oprah today?" It's like being married to Peggy.

JEFF)   But this is the most embarrassing job in the world.

MARCY)  There is nothing wrong with an honest day's pay. Besides, who is gonna see you?

Steve Rhoades suddenly enters, and looks at his watch.

MARCY)  Oh my God! It's the Ex. Quick, hide!!

Marcy pushes Jefferson into the ladie's restroom so Steve can't see him. 
Steve curiously looks over and sees Marcy.

MARCY)  [shocked] Steve!

STEVE)  [shocked] Marcy!

MARCY)  [disgusted] Steve.

STEVE)  [disgusted] Marcy.

MARCY)  So, what brings you to the carwash?

STEVE)  Well, my car was dirty, and since they do a rotten job of cleaning it down at the
        batting cages, I thought I'd bring it here.

MARCY)  Well, it's nice to see you're still such a sarcastic twit, Steve! Besides, I 
        thought you were out in the desert, protecting the wildlife and performing 
        "Guys And Dolls" with your little cactus friends.

STEVE)  That, much like our marriage, was just a phase. I did the environmental thing for 
        a while, then I decided I wanted to find myself. And what I found was that myself
        likes money. So, did "Mr. Marcy" let you out alone?

Jefferson is heard moaning "ow" from inside the ladie's room and Steve walks over to
inspect, but Marcy stops him.

MARCY)  Have you, uh, been here long?

STEVE)  A fair while. It takes a while to detail the Lincoln Town Car.

MARCY)  [turned on] You're driving a Town Car?

STEVE)  I live in town! So, where is the new, unimproved, unemployed me? At home watching
        Richard Bey?

MARCY)  If it's Jefferson you're referring to, I'll have you know he's... at the office,
        where he's busy working on his...

STEVE)  Tan?

MARCY)  Career!

Jefferson tries to get out, but is held back by all the women in the bathroom.

JEFF)   Ooh, Hi! [sees Steve] Oooh.

He is pulled back inside and Steve stares curiously.
Meanwhile, Al and Peg are still shopping. Al has a cassette tape in his hand.

PEGGY)  Whatchya get, Al?

AL)     Huh? Nothin'.

PEGGY)  I saw you over there by the audio cassettes, whatchya get??

AL)     Nothing!

Peggy snatches the tape away from him and reads the label.

PEGGY)  "Ned Beatty Sings The Blues"?

AL)     He's got a right!

PEGGY)  I'm gonna put this back. [She throws it carelessly aside] Now, let's get the car.

AL)     They better not have screwed up my Dodge, Peg.

PEGGY)  They will not screw up the Dodge, Al, they're professionals.

Two car wash workers come in.

MAN 1)  Ah, Sir, I don't know how to tell you this, but we can't find your car.

AL)     What do you mean you can't find my car? I saw it go in!

MAN 1)  Me too! But it... never came out.

The guy at the cash register punches in an amount.

MAN 2)  That'll be eight ninety-five, please.



ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Still at the car wash.
The Manager, a teenage boy called Mikey, enters.

MIKEY)  Hi. I'm Mikey, I'm the manager.

AL)     Of what, the Mets?

MIKEY)  I don't take lip from shoe salesmen. Now, what do you want? I have a book report due
        tomorrow.

AL)     Look, I want my car, it never came out the other end!

MIKEY)  Are you sure you brought a car?

AL)     No, I drove the wife. 'Course I brought a car, you zit-farm.

Kelly and Bud enter.

KELLY)  Daddy. Now I thought I checked the Lost & Found.

AL)     Oh, this oughta be good.

KELLY)  There were no Dodges. There was a nice Plymouth, though.

PEGGY)  Ooh, Al?

AL)     I don't want a Plymouth, Peg, I want my Dodge, dagnabbit!  

MIKEY)  "Dagnabbit"? What you do, get the "Hooked On Phonics: Yosemite Sam" tape?

BUD)    This is ridiculous. How can our car just disappear?

KELLY)  Well, Sigfried and Roy make that tiger disappear.

AL)     Well, we all know where that goes.

MIKEY)  Bundy, we don't want you to go away a dissatisfied customer. So here's a card good
        for one free car wash.

AL)     [taking the card] Now, this is ridiculous. Somewhere in this carwash is a Dodge 
        with my name on it.

Al walks out to look for his car and the others remain.

PEGGY)  Gee, I didn't know they made a Dodge Loser.

KELLY)  Wait, I have an idea. Let's have Buck search for it.

BUD)    Come on, he's a hundred! He misses when he tries to lick himself.

KELLY)  Oh, so do you. But a dog never loses his sense of smell. [To Buck] Go find the
        Dodge, Mighty Buck. Go. Go.

Buck response to Kelly's commands is to remain still.

PEGGY)  What's he doing?

BUD)    He's going.

KELLY)  Maybe I should've said "leave."

BUCK)   I still would've gone.

Peg, Kelly, Bud and Buck start to walk outside.

PEGGY)  I say that the Dodge is still here.

KELLY)  I mean, we would've seen someone drive off in our car.

They walk out of the door and then Al is seen through the window going through the carwash.
He gets sprayed with water and the big brushes whirl around him.

PEGGY)  It's not like we're not observant.

They continue on their way without noticing Al in the car wash.
Al, soaking wet, gets blasted with the dryer.

BUD)    The Dodge is gotta be here.

PEGGY)  Well, let's keep looking.

Al is finished being dried and moves onto the next step of the process - the hot wax. 
The HOT WAX sign flashes as Al steps into it. He reacts.
 

ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

Steve is reading a newspaper and getting his shoes shined.
Marcy is sitting nearby, with her back facing him, arms tightly folded and a grumpy look on
her face.

MARCY)  I know what you're doing. You're trying to tear me down like some soulless
        money-grubbing snob [Steve peeks at her over his newspaper] because you know it
        turns me on. [She quickly looks at him and Steve stops peeking] But it's not going
        to work! [She walks over to him] I already have a man and he's even more materialistic
        than you.

STEVE)  And how much of that material is yours?

Marcy walks over to Steve.

MARCY)  Are you implying that I support Jefferson and he does nothing? Cause you don't know
        the half of it...

She stops when she sees Steve's glistening shoes.

MARCY)  Are those Gucci loafers?

STEVE)  Yes, they do look smashing on me, don't they?

MARCY)  Well, they do distract from the rest of you!

STEVE)  [chuckling] Ah, same old Marcy: flat and to the point.

Marcy gives him a look.


ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

Mikey is telling off Jefferson, who is wiping his hands.

MIKEY)  Do you realise that being caught in the women's restrooms we're going to dock you a
        week's pay? 

JEFF)   Well, there goes that Yacht I was gonna buy.

MIKEY)  You're already on thin ice, Mr. Ivy-League-pervert-in-the-bathroom-looking-up-women's-
        skirts.  Now, I don't want anymore shenanigans out of you. I want you buffing the next 
        thing that comes out of here.

Al then emerges from the car wash, wet and covered in wax.
Two workers start to dry him off.

JEFF)   Al, what are you doing here?

AL)     Well, I was on my way to Wanker, thought I'd stop and walk through the car wash.

JEFF)   Wasn't the wax hot?

AL)     Yes! But that's the price to pay if you want to wear a bikini! [to the workers cleaning 
        him] Do you mind?

Jefferson and the two workers leave him.
Peg, Kelly and Bud walk over to Al.

PEGGY)  Very nice, Al. You're over here dilly-dallying with Jefferson while we're out
        looking for the car!

AL)     Peg, what is it with you? You can change six D batteries in the dark yet you can't
        find a two tonne automobile in broad daylight.

PEGGY)  Let's not start talking about "who" can't find "what" in the dark.

AL)     Look, here's what we'll do. We'll split up. Hey, I should've thought of this years
        ago!

KELLY)  Dad, what about the car?

BUD)    Look, I say we each take a different route and circle the lot. I mean, the Dodge is
        gotta be here.

AL)     Bud's right. But when we find it, [to Peg] we'll still get to split up, won't we?


ACT TWO

SCENE FOUR

Steve has finished having his shoes polished and is preparing to leave.

STEVE)  Well, Marcy, I see the Town Car is ready. Anyway, I'm sorry that I didn't get to 
        see that busy executive husband of yours.

MARCY)  That's right, he is busy. Doing what an executive does: interfacing, networking,
        making multi-million dollar decisions.

Jefferson is cleaning a car.

JEFF)   Hey, Willy, towel or sponge on the hub caps?

STEVE)  I see he's in the middle of a Power Wash.

MARCY)  OK, so maybe he's not on the Forbes 400 or 4000, or, maybe he wouldn’t even be a
        rich man in Peru, but he's got something you will never have.

STEVE)  A Windex holster?

MARCY)  Class. Which, I might add, money can't buy. Jefferson doesn't need to make a lot of
        money, I'm happy with him just the way he is.

Jefferson runs over to Marcy, whimpering.

JEFF)   Marcy, I got soap in my eye!

MARCY)  Shut up! Let's go.

JEFF)   I thought you wanted me to work.

MARCY)  I do. It's just that I have another position in mind for you. [Looks at Steve] 
        Maybe two.

Marcy and Jefferson leave.
An older gentleman, named Mr. D'Player, comes out to the Town Car with a chauffeur's hat 
and hands it to Steve.

D'PLAY) Here, you dropped your hat. Come on, get in the car. Let's go.

STEVE)  [putting on the hat] Yes, Sir.

Steve goes to open the door for him, but is stopped.

D'PLAY) Hey, hey, hey. Aren't those my shoes?

STEVE)  Oh, oh, yes sir. I had them polished for you.

Steve takes them off and gives them to him, then Steve opens the car door for Mr. D'Player.


ACT TWO

SCENE FIVE

The Bundys are still looking for the Dodge.

AL)     You know, I can't believe it - it's gone. The Dodge is really gone.

KELLY)  Maybe the Earth opened up and swallowed it?

PEGGY)  No, then it would've spit it back up.

AL)     You know, it's not so much the Dodge, it's what was inside it.

PEGGY)  What was in it?

AL)     Stuff.

PEGGY)  Big'Uns?

AL)     I'm not saying.

Mikey approaches them.

MIKEY)  Bundy, just got off the phone with the owner. He wants to do something to make it up
        to you. He wants to buy you another car.

AL)     I don't want another car.

PEGGY)  Shut up, Al.

AL)     But Peg, there's still stuff in that car!

PEGGY)  Shut up!

MIKEY)  How does a new Hyundai sound? 
  
AL)     Like an old lawnmower. I want my car!

PEGGY)  Al, will you please shut up and take the car before somebody finds...

The car wash workers return gleefully.

MAN 1)  [cutting Peg off] Mr Bundy! We found your car.

PEGGY)  Of course.

BUD)    Where was it?

MAN 1)  On the lot.

MAN 2)  Yeah, when we washed all the dirt off we found it was a different color.

PEGGY)  Gee Al, maybe if we got you to take a shower, we'd find out you were black? [Looks
        down at him] Then again.

BUD)    What color it is?

MAN 1)  Red.

AL)     Hey! Come to think of it, I remember buying a red car.

The shiny new red car is nearby and the Bundys walk over to it.

AL)     Look at her, family, isn't she a beaut!

PEGGY)  Look at him, family, isn't he a shoe salesman. Let's go.

Peg, Kelly, Bud and Buck get into the car.
Al starts to open the trunk.

AL)     Wait, I gotta see if my stuff's still here.

KELLY)  What stuff?

PEGGY)  Oh, you know, Big'Uns.

AL)     It's not Big'Uns, Peg.

Al gets his item from the trunk - a Big'Uns magazine. He holds it up, then removes something
from inside it - a photo of the Bundy family from 1987.

Text on screen: For Your Emmy Consideration, Thank You Very Much.



THE END



DIRECTED BY: GERRY COHEN
WRITTEN BY: LARRY JACOBSON
CREATED BY: MICHAEL G. MOYE AND RON LEAVITT
CO-PRODUCER: MICHAEL GREENSPON
PRODUCED BY: JOHN MAXWELL ANDERSON

CO-PRODUCER: DAVID CASTRO
PRODUCER: LARRY JACOBSON
SUPERVISING PRODUCER: STACIE LIPP
CO-EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: RICHARD GURMAN
CO-EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: KIM WEISKOPF
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: KATHERINE GREEN
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: MICHAEL G. MOYE
CREATIVE CONSULTANT: RALPH FARQUHAR
CREATIVE CONSULTANT: RUSSELL MARCUS
STORY EDITOR: ALISON TAYLOR
CASTING: VICKI ROSENBERG AND TERI TUNDER
"LOVE AND MARRIAGE" MUSIC AND LYRICS BY SAMMY CAHN AND JIMMY VAN HEUSEN
PERFORMED BY FRANK SINATRA
MUSIC BY: JONATHAN WOLFF
ART DIRECTOR: RICHARD IMPROTA
ASSISTANT ART DIRECTOR: JIM YARMER
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR: SAM W. ORENDER
STAGE MANAGERS: RICHARD DRANY, STEPHANIE SCOTT, REY VINCENT
EDITED BY: LARRY HARRIS
PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE: KITTY ROURKE
PRODUCTION CO-ORDINATOR: CARL STUDEBAKER
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR: ROBERT A. BOWEN
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY: THOMAS W. MARKLE
AUDIO: LAURA OSBORN-KING, CAROLYN BOWDEN, SCOTT GLICKMAN, ALAN ZEMA
CAMERAS: VANCE BRANDON, MIKE CULP, BETTINA LEVESQUE, JIM LUNDSFORD,
         DENNIS TURNER
RE-RECORDING: ROY PAHLMAN, JOHN BICKLEHAUPT
PRODUCTION STAFF: ROCHELLE STATEN, FRAN KAUFER, HELEN PAI, GARRY BOWEN,
                  DON BECK, BERT L. COOK, PETER ALEXANDER, TIM DAVIS
COSTUMES: MARTI M. SQUYRES
PROPERTY MASTER: MICHAEL SEMON
MAKE-UP: KATHY ROGERS
HAIR STYLIST: DOTTIE MCQUOWN
DOG TRAINER: STEVEN RITT
COPYRIGHT (C) 1995
ELP COMMUNICATIONS
All Rights Reserved
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