Regular cast:

Ed O'Neill...............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal..............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse............Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate......Kelly Bundy
David Faustino...........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley.............Jefferson D'Arcy
Buck the Dog.............Buck 

Guest cast:

Monica Creel.............Esther
Beverly Archer...........Miss Hardaway
Rhonda Aldrich...........Judy
Bodhi Pine Elfman........Clerk
Phill Lodwick............Security Guard




ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

 Al is sitting on the couch, changing TV channels with the remote control.

TV     And now, stay tuned for the show too good for television...

AL     Wings.

TV     ...Wings.

 Al changes the channel.

TV     We now return to Wings.

 Al changes the channel again.

TV     Our Wings marathon!

 Al quickly changes the channel, then watches with disbelief.

TV     [Chinese language] ...Wings.

 Al switches the TV off.

AL     Ahh, I'd cancel my cable if I wasn't stealing it from the D'Arcys.

 Bud comes in through the front door.

BUD    Dad. I got a problem. [sits on the couch with Al] I, er, I did something
       really stupid.

AL     Oh, Son. You didn't... marry, did you?

BUD    God, no. No, I volunteered for this programme at college where they
       assign you community service work for extra credit. Well, I was hoping
       to get "Save The Brazilian Rain Forest"...

AL     Why, what do you care?

BUD    I wanted to see naked women from Rio.

AL     Well, you can do that during Wet Gaucho Night at the Nudie Bar.

BUD    Well, the Brazilian course got filled by the football team, so they
       assigned me to the only charity they had left open.

AL     Which is?

BUD    I can't even tell you, it's too humiliating to talk about. I'm just
       thankful the word hasn't hit the streets yet.

 Kelly rushes in through the front door.

KELLY  Hey, Daddy, guess what? Bud has been assigned to the Virgin Hotline.

 Kelly laughs loudly and sits on the couch with Bud and Al.

BUD    But we do know, however, that word has hit the old mattress behind the Y.

AL     Virgin Hotline!? What the hell is a Virgin Hotline?

KELLY  Bud...

BUD    Well, Dad, you probably don't know this, but today there's a big
       movement towards celibacy.

AL     Know it? Hell, I started it!

BUD    No, Dad, this is 'no sex before marriage.'
       You see, the hotline was set up so that when virgins felt in danger of
       losing their... well, their innocence, they could call someone to be...

KELLY  Nipped in the Bud.

 Kelly laughs out loud again.

BUD    ...or counselled, for those of us who breathe through our noses.

KELLY  Ask him what the phone number is, Dad.

AL     Now, now, Sweetheart, the least we can be is a little sensitive here.
       What is the phone number, Pumpkin?

KELLY  1-800-ZIPP UP.

 Al and Kelly burst out laughing.

BUD    Yeah, that's right, Gomer [Kelly] and Piles [Al]. Yuck it up.
       [stands up] Now, if I can ask a favor; Can we please keep a lid on this
       one? My answering the phones has got to be completely anonymous, and I
       just assume no-one else knew it was me.

 Jefferson bursts in through the front door.

JEFFSN Hey, Bud! I heard on the radio; you're on the Virgin Hotline.

KELLY  They said Bud's name on the radio?

JEFFSN Well, actually it was a jingle; er, let me see, how did it go...
       [sings] If you're a virgin with hormones surgin',
       keep on your undies and call Bud Bundy's... Virgin Hotline.

 Jefferson sits down on the arm of the couch.

AL     That's catchy.

BUD    [sarcastically] Thank you. Well, self esteem intact, I'm gonna get ready
       for my orientation now. Kelly...

KELLY  Mm mmm?

BUD    Would you be so kind as to insult me up the stairs, please?

 Kelly, eager to oblige, follows Bud upstairs.

KELLY  Aww, my pleasure. Now, when people call up, do you merely talk them out
       of sex, or do you send them a picture of yourself and scare the pants
       back on them?

 Peggy enters through the front door, carrying a newspaper. She sits next to Al
 on the couch.

PEGGY  Hey, Al, guess what? They're having a sale at the video store. See,
       right here.

 Peggy shows the newspaper to Al. On the page facing us, is a full-page advert
 for the Virgin Hotline that includes a big picture of Bud.

AL     So, what do I care? I don't go to the video store.

PEGGY  Well, I want you to come with me.

AL     Oh oh oh, no. That's why we have cable, Peg. You can see the best and
       never leave your house... [switches on the TV] watch.

TV     Tonight: Tom Selleck in Mr. Baseball. Then John Goodman is King Ralph.
       But first, Wings.

 Al switches off the TV and then Peggy and Al get up off the couch to leave.

AL     I'll drive.

JEFFSN Hey, you guys mind if I hang out? If I go home, Marcy will know I'm not
       at my Unemployed Anonymous Meeting.

AL     Uh ah, yeah, have a good time.

JEFFSN Thanks.

 Al and Peg pick up their coats to go to the video store.
 Jefferson switches on the TV.

TV     Welcome to the Naked Jell-O Wrestling Championship!

 Al tries to go back into the house to watch the TV.

AL     Hey, that's a...

 Peggy drags Al out of the house.


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

 The Virgin Hotline office.
 Bud enters timidly.

BUD    Hi. I'm here for the, er, Virgin Hotline. I'm, er...

HARDWY Bud Bundy. I know. Your face has chastity written all over it.

BUD    Really? [wipes imaginary writing from his face] That damn Kelly!

HARDWY My name is Miss Hardaway, [shakes hands with Bud] I am the founder of
       Virgin Hotline - not that I haven't had opportunities, but it's just
       that I prefer to save myself for marriage.

BUD    [confused] Whose?

HARDWY People don't understand virgins these days, Mr. Bundy. They don't
       realise that we can have just as much fun as they do, while remaining
       vertical with our toes uncurled and the saliva of our passions held
       firmly in our proud unsullied mouths. [Bud looks doomed]
       And there are so many more exciting things to do, besides having sex.
       Have you ever felt the soft down of a new born baby duck? Ever collect
       little ceramic unicorns? Ever play yahtzee?

BUD    No, you see, I'm not a virgin.

HARDWY [laughs with disbelief] Come now, Mr. Bundy. [hands a book to Bud] Here
       is your Virgin Hotline handbook. Memorise it's pithy wisdom.

BUD    [reading from the book] Reach out and touch yourself???

HARDWY I love the nineties. Well, time to take calls. You man Line 1, it's our
       busiest. [Bud sits down at a desk and blows clouds of dust away from the
       phone] And remember, Mr. Bundy, you will be counselling these people in
       their weakest moment. You must be their shelter in a storm, their anchor
       in rough seas, their cold shower during heavy Jimmy Smits re-runs of
       LA Law. You, Mr. Bundy, are their last line of defence. Can you do it?

 Bud is staring blankly at Miss Hardaway, and his mind starts to wander.

BUD    [thinking to himself] You know, with a little more make-up, and her hair
       done, and some soft music...

HARDWY Mr. Bundy!

 Bud snaps out of it and back to reality.

BUD    Mmm?

HARDWY Can you do it?

BUD    Well, if the room was real dark, I might... [Miss Hardaway recoils in
       horror] Oh, you mean the phones. Yeah, I can do the phones, no problem.
       [the phone rings] Watch.
       Hello, you're on the Virgin Hotline. This is your counsellor, er, Eugene.

CALLER Hi, my name is Isis J. Blow-Up-Doll, and my boyfriend, Bud, hasn't been
       able to keep his hands off me ever since I came out of the box. Now
       should I try to stay firm, or, just explode and go to pieces?

BUD    Ha, very funny, Kel, but don't let me keep you; I'm sure the trucker
       paid for the whole hour. [slams down the phone]
       Crank call.

HARDWY Ah. Yes, we occasionally get those too. Usually from mean people who
       have had sex. But remember, Mr. Bundy, they mock us because they envy us.

BUD    Yeah, right.
       [phone rings again and Bud answers] Virgin Hotline.

CALLER Hi, this is Buck. I'm wearing nothing but my fur. I miss you, Bud. I
       miss our special times together. [pants]

BUD    Kelly! Kelly, Please!

CALLER [singing] I love you truly, woof woof woof woof wooof!

 Bud hangs up, ashamed.

HARDWY Oh, now, come now, Mr. Bundy, chin up. People used to call me and say
       they were my shower head.

 The phone rings and Bud picks it up, annoyed.

BUD    What's the matter, Kelly, is your bed closed for repairs?

CALLER Er, is this the right number? My name is Esther, and I thought I was
       calling the Virgin Hotline.

BUD    Really? [to Miss Hardaway] It's a real call. [to Esther] Er, yeah, your
       on the Virgin Hotline.

CALLER Well, I've been trying to wait till marriage, but everywhere you look is
       sex, sex, sex.

 Bud picks up a pen.

BUD    Well, er, where exactly are you?

CALLER Home, watching TV. Oh God, they're doing a Bugle Boy Jeans commercial!
       Oooh.

 Bud moves the receiver so that Miss Hardaway can hear Esther.

HARDWY You're losing her, Mr. Bundy. [opens the handbook for Bud] Quick, do a TV
       talk-down.

 Bud looks a the book for guidance.

BUD    A TV talk-down? OK, Esther, now listen to me. We're gonna have to take
       your mind off of sex. Now... now think of the guy from the Zima
       commercials.

CALLER I can't. Ahh, now Melrose Place is coming on! Uhhh, Billy's taking his
       shirt off!

 Miss Hardaway races to get a cap.

HARDWY I think we have a Code Red. We're going to have to act fast. I'll keep
       her talking. You go to her house.

BUD    Say what???

HARDWY Don't argue. Take your handbook [puts the cap on Bud's head] and your
       "Never had it, never will" Virgin Hotline cap.

CALLER Hurry, or I'm gonna have to call my boyfriend.

 Miss Hardaway takes the phone from Bud and hands him the keys to her car.

HARDWY Take my car, I'll call with the address. And Bud... you have a really
       cute tush.

 Bud gets scared and leaves.


ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

 Bud arrives outside Esther's house.

BUD    [to himself] Friday night, and what am I doing... talking a girl OUT
       of sex. Oh my God. I am my father's Oldsmobile. Oh, well, let's get this
       over with. [knocks on the door and checks the name on a piece of paper]
       Esther. With a name like that, I should have brought a chew toy.

 A beautiful young girl opens the door.

ESTHER Hi, I'm Esther, save me.

 Esther flings her arms around Bud and hugs him tightly. Bud doesn't know where
 to put his hands.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

 The video store.
 Peggy and Al enter.
 Peggy notices a stand filled with videotapes of the movie "Dutch". There's a
 picture of Ed O'Neill, with a sticker over his face that reads "Free Video".
 Peggy picks up one of the tapes, looks at it and tosses it back.

PEGGY  Now, all we have to do is find one movie that we can both watch.

 Al looks down at a shelf of tapes.

AL     Hey, here's one; [reads from the case] "Die, Scum Sucking Pig, Die", Ray
       Walston and Sherman Hemsley in a haunted house, Peg!

PEGGY  Al, you have rented that 25 times already.

AL     Well, it's good.

 Peggy picks up a tape from a different shelf.

PEGGY  Oh, how about this: Four Weddings and a Funeral.

AL     That's kinda like 5 of the same thing, isn't it?
       Hey! How about; [shows the case to Peggy] Wrestlemania Bloopers.

PEGGY  You could have taped our honeymoon for that.
       You know, Al, maybe you should go your way, and I'll go mine.

AL     Really... after all these years? Thank you, Peg!

 Al turns to leave the store. Peggy chases after him.

PEGGY  Al, I mean, IN the video store. Now go find a movie we both can enjoy.
       And be serious, Al.

 Al and Peg separate. Al goes out of view.

AL     Hey! Dwarf on Skiing.


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

 Bud and Esther are sitting either end of the couch in Ester's living room.

BUD    So, virgin, ah?

ESTHER I just can't tell you how tough it is today for a woman to maintain her
       chastity. Every single girl is know is just preoccupied with sex...
       they'll have it with anyone, anywhere, anytime.

BUD    Really? Well, if you just give me their names, [gets ready to write in
       the handbook] their photos and their phone numbers; I'll get to the
       bottom of them... I mean, I mean, of "it"... the "bottom of it".

 Esther sits next to Bud.

ESTHER Oh Bud, please don't leave before my mother gets home. If I take my eyes
       off you, I know I'll get all horny again.

BUD    [disappointed] Glad to be of service.

ESTHER Can I get you something to drink?

BUD    You got anything, er... [looks at Esther's hooters] fresh squeezed?

 Esther goes over to a drinks cabinet.

ESTHER I'll see. I'm really sorry to drag you out on a Friday night like this,
       but I can't tell you how much I appreciate an organisation like yours,
       Bud. I don't understand what's wrong with the world. Everywhere you look
       - temptation.

 Esther bends over to open a refrigerator.
 Bud gets a tempting view.

BUD    [thinking out loud] Zima guy, Zima guy. No, no, I mean, I mean, I mean,
       Roseanne, Roseanne...


ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

 At the video store.
 Al and Peggy are still choosing movies.

AL     Peg.

 Al hands a tape to Peggy.
 Peggy reads from the case.

PEGGY  Dieselhead. A man and a monster truck exchange brains???

AL     Like Emilio Estevez would make a bad movie?

PEGGY  Look, Al, you have said "no" to every movie that I have chosen...

AL     Because every movie you choose sucks!

PEGGY  "Fried Green Tomatoes" sucks???

 Everyone in the store answers Peggy.

ALL    YES!

PEGGY  Now look, obviously we are not going to agree on anything, I mean, why
       should movies be any different than sex?

AL     You can't eat popcorn when your having sex, Peg.

PEGGY  Al, let's just find something to please both of us - and do NOT go into
       the adult section.

 Peggy wanders off to continue the search.

AL     I don't even know where the adult section is.
       [Al quickly side steps to his left and steps backward into the Adult
       section]
       Ahhh, here are the classics; [reads some of the titles on display]
       Schindler's Lust; Booty and the Beast; and my favorite, Forrest Hump.
       [Al takes a closer look and trips over someone looking at the bottom
       shelf] Oh, excuse me.

 Marcy, wearing dark glasses as a disguise, stands up.

MARCY  No problem.

AL     Marcy!

 Marcy takes off her disguise.

MARCY  Al. It's not what you think.

AL     Well, that's good, 'cause I think I'm gonna heave.

MARCY  I've just been... monitoring porn for my Women's Group. We are sick of
       films that exploit and degrade women, and we are not going to take it
       anymore.

 The store clerk enters.

CLERK  Here are the tapes you asked us to hold for you, Ma'am. Er, Silence of
       the Loins, and the Joy Slut Club. Shall I just charge those to your
       house account?

MARCY  Fine.
       [to Al] I'm taking these home to erase them. That'll show you men.
       [Marcy turns and leaves the section with the clerk]
       [to the clerk] Do you have condoms?

 Peggy enters.

PEGGY  Oh, Al, look what I found; [holds up a tape] Like Water For Chocolate.
       It's a love story.

AL     What a coincidence, Peg, I found a love story too; [holds up a tape]
       Mrs. Assfire.

PEGGY  Water!

AL     Fire!

PEGGY  Water!

AL     Fire!

PEGGY  All right, Al, that's it! [slams down the tape on the shelf] You get
       what you want. I'm going home.

 Peggy storms out of the Adult Section.
 Al chases after her.

AL     Oh, now, wait, Peg! This could be good. Big Uns magazine guide gives
       this "2 things up."

 Peggy takes the tape from Al.

PEGGY  Al, I am not checking out porn. [tosses the tape over her shoulder, it
       lands in a bag belonging to a lady standing behind Peggy] Now, you would
       think that in a video store of 10,000 tapes, we could find at least 1
       movie that we would like...

 Peggy turns around and they both see the same videotape.

AL     Butch Cassidy.
PEGGY  Butch Cassidy.

 Peggy picks up the tape.

PEGGY  Oh, Al, now, here's a movie we can agree on. You remember when we were
       dating, and we saw this at the drive-in?

AL     I remember that we saw half of it.

PEGGY  [laughs] You know, I still have the imprint of the Dodge logo on my 
       back. I can't believe you still have that car.

AL     Well, I can't believe I still have you. Wh-where were we, Peg?

PEGGY  Sharing a tender moment.

AL     Oh yeah.

PEGGY  You remember how they kicked us out for making too much noise?

AL     Well, you were hurting me, Peg.

PEGGY  Well, we certainly made up for it that night - in my father's hall
       closet! [they both laugh] Oh, Al, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

AL     Mrs. Assfire?

PEGGY  NO.

AL     All right, Butch Cassidy it is.

PEGGY  Oh good. I heard it had a happy ending.

 An alarm goes off as the lady with the tape that Peggy tossed into her bag
 innocently leaves the store.

GUARD  All right, spread 'em, thief.

 Al looks over at the security guards arresting the suspect.

AL     Look at that, Peg.

PEGGY  You know, some people have no respect for the personal property of
       others.

 Peggy picks up a box of Raisinettes and pours them into her mouth, then returns
 them to the sales stand.


ACT TWO

SCENE FOUR

 Esther and Bud are playing scrabble.

ESTHER M, E, L, O, N, S. MELONS. Your turn.

 Bud looks at the letters that he has. They spell the words: TAKE HER.

ESTHER So, what have you got?

 Bud knocks the letters off the stand.

BUD    N-Nothing I can use.

 Esther's mother, Judy arrives home.

JUDY   Hi, Honey, I'm home.

ESTHER Hi, Mom. This is my new friend, Bud. He's from...

JUDY   I know; The Virgin Hotline! I saw your picture on the side of a bus.

BUD    Great. You wouldn't happen to know where that bus is so I could throw
       myself in front of it.

JUDY   Oh, they're everywhere, Hon. And I am so glad that you were here to held
       Esther in her time of need.
       Now, young lady, it's time for you to do your homework.

ESTHER OK, Mom.
       [shakes Bud's hand] And thank you, Bud.

 Esther leaves to do her homework.

BUD    Keep in touch. [to Judy] Wh, I didn't mean with me... I meant with
       herself, well, not with herself, but with her school work. See ya.

 Bud tries to make a quick exit, but Judy calls after him.

JUDY   Well, I'd like to thank you too, Bud. If there had been a Virgin Hotline
       when I was her age, I might have known who her father was.

BUD    Well, knowing who your father is isn't all it's cracked up to be.

JUDY   Is there any way I can repay you?

BUD    No, Ma'am, no. According to the book; [holds up the Virgin Hotline
       handbook] we're not allowed to take any kind of compensation.

JUDY   Even if it's these?

 Judy opens up her jacket right in front of Bud.
 Bud tosses the handbook over his shoulder.

BUD    It didn't say anything about 'tips'.

 Bud turns his cap backwards. 


ACT TWO

SCENE FIVE

 The Bundy living room.
 Buck is sitting on the couch and the Butch Cassidy videotape is playing
 ("Raindrops are Falling on my Head" is heard) in the VCR.
 Kelly comes down the stairs.

KELLY  Mom, Dad, I'm going out! Mom, Dad? [picks up the videotape case and
       reads the title] Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid.
       [thinks out loud] Now, why would you rent a movie and not watch it? It's
       like renting a hotel room and not ripping off the honor bar.
       [puts down the case and goes to get her coat from the hall closet] Old
       people do the dumbest things. [When Kelly opens the closet, Peggy is
       inside and she hands Kelly's coat to her] Thank you.

 The closet door closes and Kelly stops dead in her tracks.



THE END



Co-Producer  David Castro
Producer  Larry Jacobson
Supervising Producer  Stacie Lipp
Co-Executive Producer  Richard Gurman
                       Kim Weiskopf
Executive Producer  Katherine Green
                    Michael G. Moye

Directed by  Amanda Bearse
Written by  Wayne Kline
Created by  Michael G. Moye
            Ron Leavitt
Co-Producer  Michael Greenspon
Produced by  John Maxwell Anderson
Creative Consultant  Ralph Farquhar
                     Russell Marcus
Story Editor  Alison Taylor
Casting  Vicki Rosenberg
         Teri Tunder
Music by  Jonathan Wolff
Art Director  Richard Improta
Assistant Art Director  Jim Yarmer
Associate Director  Sam W. Orender
Stage Managers  Richard Draney
                Stephanie Scott
                Rey Vincenty
Edited by  Larry Harris
Production Associate  Kitty Rourke
Production Co-ordinator  Carl Studebaker
Technical Director  Robert A. Bowen
Director of Photography  Thomas W. Markle
Audio  J. Mark King
       Laura Osborn King
       Scott Glickman
       Alan Zema
Cameras  Vance Brandon
         Mike Culp
         Bettina Levesque
         Jim Lundsford
         Dennis Turner
Re-recording  Roy Pahlman
              John Bickelhaupt
Production Staff  Rochelle Staten
                  Fran Kaufer
                  Helen Pai
                  Garry Bowren
                  Don Beck
                  Bert L. Cook
                  Carson Smith
                  Tim Davis
Costumes  Marti M. Squyres
Property Master  Michael Semon
Make-up  Kathy Rogers
Hair Stylist  Dottie McQuown
Dog Trainer  Steven Ritt
Copyright 1994 ELP Communications.