Regular Cast:

Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Peg Bundy..................Katey Sagal
Marcy D'Arcy...............Amanda Bearse
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Jefferson D'Arcy...........Ted McGinley
Buck.......................Buck the Dog

Guest Cast:

Ironhead Haynes............Waylon Jennings
Aaron......................Hill Harper
Officer Dan................Dan Tullis, Jr.
Bob Rooney.................E.E. Bell
Barney.....................Steve Susskind
Woman #2...................Sheila Grenham
Roger......................Christopher Collins



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE
 
 The kitchen.
 Peggy and Kelly have just finished eating and are wiping their mouths with napkins.

KELLY   Mmm. Great sandwich, Mom.

 Kelly gets up and takes the plates to the sink.

PEGGY   Oh yeah. We should all be grateful to our late Aunt Stumpy for leaving us her
        refrigirator full of food.

KELLY   Mom, she didn't exactly leave it to us. I mean, we took it off the back porch 
        while everybody else was at the funeral.

 Kelly sits back down.

KELLY   Don't you think we should tell Dad about the fridge?

PEGGY   Oh no. I'm sure he made out fine. It was an open casket. He probably got the 
        watch.

 Bud comes in from the garage holding a milk carton and walks over to the kitchen.

BUD     Well, refrigirator's hidden in the garage. Dad'll never know it's there. It's 
        concealed so well even a clever man wouldn't be able to find it.

 Bud starts drinking the milk, just as Al comes in. Bud notices him and tries to hide 
 the milk carton. Al walks over to the kitchen.

AL      I hate those complaint boxes they put in at the mall. A woman comes in the 
        shoe store today, so huge she's protected by Green Peace, and asks for a size 
        4 shoe.

 Al faces Bud, who has milk on his beard and moustache. Bud smiles uneasily. Al takes 
 a beer bottle out of the refrigirator.

AL      So, I ask her if she wants to eat them there or take them home. And she has 
        the nerve to complain about my performance.

PEGGY   Honey, I complain about your performance all the time; you don't care. 
        Sometimes you don't even wake up.

AL      Unlike sex with you, this is important to me. The mall manager is threatening 
        to take away the only joy I have at work.

KELLY   They're shutting off the plumbing?

AL      The other joy. They're threatening to take away my parking space, the one that's
        closer than all the other employees' because I've been there the longest.

PEGGY   Oh, so you'll have to walk an extra half mile. It won't kill ya.

AL      Oh no, Peg, it won't kill me. That's your job. [sits down] But I earned that 
        parking spot. It's mine. I started at the end of the lot, by the street, where 
        it helps to speak Spanish. And ten years later - or should I say, diez anos - 
        they finally put my name on the best spot: "Al Budny". I was so happy. But now, 
        if I insult one more woman before the end of the month, they're gonna take my 
        spot away.

BUD     Maybe you should just call in sick for the next 27 days.

PEGGY   Oh, no, no, no. We can't afford that. Then they'd dock his pay and we'd be out 
        hundreds and hundreds of loose change.

 Al gets up.

AL      Well, all I know is I am not giving up my parking space without a fight. Anyone
        can go three weeks without insulting a woman.

PEGGY   Betcha five dollars you can't.

 Al holds out his hand.

AL      I will take that bet, you bonbon binging bozo!

 Peggy smiles and holds out her hand for the money. Al digs around in his pocket.


SCENE TWO

 Aaron and Al are standing near the entrance to the shoe store.

AARON   Mr. Bundy, since you lose your parking spot if you get one more complaint, maybe 
        I should take care of a certain segment of our woman customers today.

AL      It's not necessary, Aaron. I've already decided to be nice to women for the next 
        three weeks. And no one on God's foul earth will come between me and my slab of 
        tar.

 Aaron pats Al's shoulder encouragingly. Al turns around to see Marcy standing at the 
 door, holding a bag of groceries and grinning wickedly.

AL      [looking upwards] Don't you have anything else to do?

 Al unlocks the door and lets Marcy in.

MARCY   Hi, Al. Peggy told me about your little complaint problem.

AL      There's no problem, I'm still under my quota.

MARCY   Oh, that's very good. 'Course, I don't see any customers here yet. Nope, no one
        here but us chickens.

 Al's eyes widen. He seems about to say something but stops himself.

MARCY   Actually, I was just on my way back from the supermarket.

 Marcy takes six-egg set out of her bag of groceries.

MARCY   It seems I was all out of eggs.
  
 Marcy holds the eggs in front of Al's face. Al controls himself with considerable 
 effort.

MARCY   Some of the girls are gonna be stopping by later for what I guess you could call
        a hen party.

 Al again seems about to say something but stops himself in time.

MARCY   Oh, come on, Al. You know you can't keep this up all month. Eventually some poor
        calorically-challenged woman is gonna come through those doors and you are gonna
        insult her, because you don't know the first thing about Politically Correct 
        behavior.

AL      What does that have to do with obnoxious fat women?

MARCY   Today's obese woman simply feels that it's her right to be heavy and does not 
        want to be insulted.

AL      So when some moo-cow thunders in here with a pie under each chin, I'm not 
        supposed to ask if that's the Star Spangled Banner she's belching so I know 
        whether to sit or stand?

MARCY   All I'm saying - oh ye of little deodorant - is that you must learn to treat all 
        people the same.

AL      Everyone?

MARCY   Everyone.

AL      Even midgets?

MARCY   Everyone, you wiener-head. Now, I would really love to stay and see you go down 
        for the third time, but I have to get home.

 Marcy starts walking jerkily, like a chicken.

MARCY   I, uh, promised Jefferson I'd cook him a frier for dinner.

 Al bites his fist.

MARCY   I so wanted it to be me.

 Marcy leaves. 

AARON   That was close.

AL      Yes.

 A thin woman comes in.

AL      [to Aaron] Now I'll take care of this one. You go in the back room and do 
        whatever it is you do back there for hours on end.

AARON   It's called 'inventory'.

AL      Heh. You call it whatever you want to.

 Al walks over to the thin customer.

AL      Uh, excuse me, madam, how may I serve you?

 The customer holds up a shoe.

WOMAN1  Do you have this in an 8AA?

AL      Well, I'll have to check.

WOMAN1  Well you'll have to hurry. I don't have much time.

 Al walks into the stock room. The woman waits for a short while, then looks at her 
 watch impatiently and leaves. A fat woman comes in and sits down where the thin woman 
 sat. Al comes out of the stock room, sees the fat woman and jumps back, startled.

AL      Excuse me, Miss... Are you sitting on someone?

WOMAN2  What!?

AL      Oh, no, I'm sorry, excuse me. How - how - how may I serve you?

 The fat woman holds up the shoe the thin woman was admiring earlier.

WOMAN2  How do you think this would look on me? I wear a size four.

 The fat woman sticks her bare foot in front of Al's face. Al's face covers with sweat.
 Suspenseful music starts playing.

WOMAN2  I have tiny toes, don't you think?

AL      Oh yes indeed... for sausages!

 The words "sausages" echoes several times as the camera zooms in on Al's face.


SCENE THREE

 A "NO MA'AM" meeting in the garage. Al, Barney, Jefferson, Roger, Bob Rooney and 
 Officer Dan are present.
 Al hammers on the desk for silence.

AL      Now, before we get to the main topic of tonight's meeting - which is "what in 
        the hell is this country coming to when a man can't speak his mind without 
        losing his parking space" -

 The others express their agreement.

AL      - we'll hear the minutes of our last meeting. Jefferson...

 Jefferson stands up.

JFRSN   Thank you. [reading from his notes] The meeting was called to order at 8 
        o'clock. We discussed the pros and cons of the single urinal versus the trough. 
        At 8:15 we voted on whether or not we'd rather do Ann-Margaret or Alan Arkin.

 Jefferson sits down, then stands up again.

JFRSN   Uh, that should be "Ellen Barkin".

 Jefferson sits down. Everyone starts talking. Al hammers on the desk for silence. 
 The view changes to the Bundy living room. Peggy is sitting on the couch with a food 
 tray and Kelly is sitting next to her. Bud, who has been standing by the garage door, 
 walks over to them.

BUD     Damn. Dad's in the garage with a bunch of his friends. How're we supposed to 
        get to our refrigirator?

KELLY   Are they all men?

BUD     Yeah.

KELLY   No problem.

 Kelly gets up.

KELLY   You see, there are several genetic flaws in all men that can be acted on for 
        reasons of distraction. 

  Kelly picks up a football.

KELLY   I shall demonstrate the strangest one.

  Kelly walks into the garage.

KELLY   Oops. I'm sorry, I didn't know you guys were in here. Oh look, a football.

 The guys react with great excitement. Kelly throws the football to Barney and the guys 
 start playing enthusiastically. Unnoticed by them, Kelly opens the concealed 
 refrigirator's door, takes some food and leaves, just as the football explodes in Bob 
 Rooney's armpit.

AL      Oh well, come on. We have important business to discuss.

 The guys all sit back down. Al hammers on the desk.

AL      Now as you know, I lost my beloved parking space just because I chose to speak 
        my mind. 

 The express their sympathy.

AL      Today, you're supposed to write to the organization of bald people just to ask 
        permission to call them 'chrome domes'. 

 The guys agree.

AL      And you're supposed to fax the fatso society and ask permission to assign 
        zipcodes to each thigh.

 Bud comes in holding a paper airplane.

BUD     Excuse me. Dad, I just thought you guys might wanna see this paper airplane 
        that I made.

AL      Son, we've all seen a paper airplane before.

BUD     Made out of Miss January?

 The guys jump up excitedly and gather around the paper airplane, shouting "Hooters! 
 Hooters!" Al unfolds the picture and shows it to the others. Bud gets a chicken from 
 the refrigirator and leaves. 

AL      [looking at the back of the picture] Hey Roger, this looks like your wife.

ROGER   You think so?

AL      Oh, oh, I'm sorry. No, I - I was looking at this picture of Dick Butkus on the 
        back.

 Al shows Roger the picture and laughs. Roger advances towards him threateningly, but 
 the others seperate between them.

JFRSN   Come on, guys, we're in a meeting here!

AL      He's right. We've got work to do. 

 They all sit down.

AL      Now... [hammers on the desk] What we need to do, is to find someone who can 
        tell us how to fight this insanity.

ROGER   That's right. We need a man's man.

BOB R   Right. Someone who's always called his own shots.

JFRSN   A leader to lead us through the '90s.

DAN     A man among men.

 They fall into deep thought, then all get up and say "Ironhead Haynes!", except for 
 Jefferson, who remains seated.

JFRSN   [getting up] Who's Ironhead Haynes?

AL      The gruffest, toughest man that ever graduated from Polk High.

ROGER   He had a beard in the seventh grade. And a wife.

DAN     Took out his own appendix with a pocket fisherman.

AL      Could've been a great football player for Polk High, but he refused to take off 
        his spurs.

JFRSN   He wore boots to play football?

AL      No boots. Just spurs.

BOB R   Well, you know, they can't all be football stars like we were.

 The guys agree.

JFRSN   Or cheerleaders, like I was.

 The guys look at Jefferson oddly.

JFRSN   Hey, I did some very dangerous flips.

 The guys are far from impressed.

JFRSN   [trying to sound more macho] And I, uh, I helped fire the cannon after each 
        touchdown.

 This finally gets Jefferson some encouraging reactions from the others. Everyone sits 
 back down.

ROGER   Well, uh, where can we find this Ironhead Haynes?

DAN     Rumor has it he lives alone, on top of the highest mountain in Illinois.

AL      Well, then we'll go tomorrow and seek his guidance.

 We hear Peggy calling out to Al from the living room.

PEGGY   [v.o.] Al, I need someone to move the clothes dryer away from the wall.

AL      [calling out] Coming, dear.

 Al and the guys leave in a hurry. Peggy and the kids enter the garage. We hear Al 
 calling out from offscreen.

AL      [v.o.] Hey, wait a second. We don't have any clothes dryer!

PEGGY   [calling out] Uh, did I say "clothes dryer"? I meant "take out the trash."

 We hear tires screeching and a car speeding away. Peggy and the kids smile at each 
 other and walk over to the hidden refrigirator.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

 The "NO MA'AM" gang are on their way to the mountain top.

BOB R   [to Al] Hey, wait. Look, how do we know that Ironhead Haynes is even up there?

JFRSN   Yeah. This legend could just be made up.

ROGER   That's true, Al. He could be as phony as your wife's hair color.

AL      Or as real as your wife's hair color, Roger. I know it's real 'cause it matches 
        her moustache! 

 Roger and Al start towards each other but again the others seperate between them.
 Thunder strikes.

DAN     [shakily] Look guys... Are we going on or not?

AL      Of course we're going on. Name me one good reason why we shouldn't.

 Officer Dan pushes aside a bush to reveal a sign with a skull painted on it that 
 reads: "GO AWAY".

AL      Well I'm going on. 

JFRSN   Yeah? Well I'm... staying here.

BARNEY  Yeah. We'll see you when you get back.

 Barney passes the bag he's holding to Jefferson, who quickly passes it to Officer Dan,
 who quickly passes it to Bob Rooney.

BOB R   Yeah, have a nice trip.

 Bob Rooney gives the bag to Al.

AL      Thank you, candy asses.

 Al heads up the mountain.

DAN     Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm no candy ass.

JFRSN   Well, think we'll ever see him again?

DAN     It's hard to say. This mountain has killed before. It could kill again.

 They fall silent for a momnet.

DAN     Trail mix, anyone?

 They all gather around Officer Dan enthusiastically.


SCENE TWO

 Al, grunting with effort, climbs up some rocks and reaches the mountain top, where 
 Ironhead Haynes is standing. Al straightens up and faces him.

AL      You must be Ironhead Haynes!

I.H.    Yep. And you must be some idiot who don't know there's a road on the other side 
        of this mountain.

AL      Al Bundy, Polk High. And I brought you some gifts. Me and my buddies wanted to 
        give you a token of our esteem.

 Al opens the bag and shows Ironhead Haynes its contents.

AL      In here I got some beer nuts, and here's a tire gauge, and, um... Oh, here's the 
        football that I scored my first touchdown with at Polk High. So go out, go out...

 Ironhead Haynes takes a few steps back but remains with his arms folded. Al throws the 
 football to him but he doesn't move and the football flies past him and disappears from 
 sight.

I.H.    Not my game.

AL      Oh. Well, then, uh, the - the beer nuts can be from me. Oh, and, uh, here's 
        something here... [takes out a rolled silk shirt] Jefferson didn't know what to 
        get you so he got you a silk shirt, y'know...

 Ironhead Haynes unrolls the shirt and looks at it.

I.H.    I've never had one of these before.

 Ironhead Haynes blows his nose, using the shirt as a hankerchief. He puts the shirt down
 next to him.

I.H.    It's not bad. Now what can I do for you?

AL      Well, Ironhead, things have gotten pretty rough for us free-thinkers back in civil-
        ization. Old people getting mad at you if you call 'em old, foreign people getting 
        mad if you tell them to go home... You'd be surprised the slightest thing will set 
        a gimp off these days. I - I suppose that's why you moved up here, isn't it?

I.H.    No, I moved up here to get in touch with my feminine side.

 Al raises his eyebrows.

I.H.    I'm kidding. I'm just teasing. 

AL      Oh. Well, unfortunately, many can't move to a mountain because, uh, they're 
        married to one. But we need your wisdom to help guide us through our daily hell. 
        Tell us what you believe.

I.H.    I believe that when you gotta spit, you gotta spit. And right now I gotta spit.

AL      [writing this down] Oh, this is good stuff. 

 Ironhead Haynes spits upwards. We hear a bird screeching and a moment later it crashes 
 to the ground. Ironhead Haynes shrugs.

I.H.    And I believe that everybody that's got more money than they can hold in both 
        hands oughta give it all to me.

 Al continues to write.

I.H.    I believe that all animals were put on this earth to - to make faces at me.

 Al stops writing and gets a weird look on his face.

I.H.    And I really believe that that damn doctor didn't have to put this plate in my 
        head.

 Ironhead Haynes taps his left temple.

AL      [laughing uneasily] Well... doctor knows best. But - but tell us, what can we do 
        to fight back?

I.H.    Well, I don't know. Maybe this song will say it the best.

 Ironhead Haynes picks up his guitar, strums a few chords and sings "nothing".
 He puts the guitar back down.

AL      That - that's it? That's - that's the message?

I.H.    That's it. You know, men like us are dinosaurs. Real live dead dinosaurs. 

 Al gets up.

AL      Wait a sec. I got buddies down here waiting for you to give us a plan of action.

 Al walks over to the edge of the mountain and looks down.

AL      [longingly] My football...

 Al turns back to Ironhead Haynes.

AL      I can't just tell them it's all over, that life as we know it is gone and will 
        never be like this again...

I.H.    Well, if it isn't Mr. Sunshine. The only problem with being a dinosaur is there 
        ain't no future in it. But there is one hell of a past. Now what you need to do is
        act like the mighty Tyrannosaurus and leave deep prints. 

AL      [slowly] Leave deep prints.

 Al writes this down.

I.H.    That's it. Let 'em know that you've been there.

 Al gets up.

AL      I got it! Oh, wait a second... What if my buddies don't believe that I met ya? 
        Is there something here that you can give me to prove that we met?

I.H.    Well, how about that sack of flour?

 Ironhead Haynes gives Al his sack of flour.

AL      Well, anything without mealybugs in it?

I.H.    I guess that leaves my beard out... All I got left now is this guitar [holds up 
        the guitar] that my dearly beloved departed grandmother left me, and my Victoria's
        Secret catalog.

 Ironhead Haynes contemplates which to give Al, and finally hands him the guitar.

I.H.    Here. I can give up the songs I write...

AL      Thank you, Ironhead. And I'll see to it that your legend lives on. You're still my 
        idol. Because you're afraid of nothing.

I.H.    Well, now, that's not necessarily true. I'm deathly afraid of magnets. If a big 
        one wants to roll by here right now my head is history. I suggest that you get 
        back on down that mountain in a hurry.

AL      Why, is it gonna rain?

I.H.    No, but I do feel another spit coming on.


SCENE FOUR

 It is now night time. The other "NO MA'Am"ers are sitting around a small campfire. 
 We can hear the sound of crickets and the occasional howl.

DAN     Do you think something horrible's happened to Al?

JFRSN   Why would you say such a terrible thing?

DAN     Well, 'cause if he's dead, we can eat his croissant.

 The guys all agree: "he's dead." Suddenly thunder strikes and we hear Al's voice.

AL      [v.o.] Don't eat the croissant!

 The guys all get up. Al comes down the mountain. His hair has turned white, his shirt
 is torn, and he is holding the two halves of Ironhead's guitar's body the way Moses 
 held the Tablets of the Covenant.

JFRSN   Al! Is - is that you?

AL      It is I! I have come from Ironhead Haynes.

 The guys all bow.

AL      With words for hard working people who don't give a rat's ass about political
        correctness.
        Rule 1: It's okay to call hooters 'knockers' and sometimes 'snack trays'.
        Rule 2: It is wrong to be French.
        Rule 3: It is okay to put all bad people in a giant meat grinder.
        Rule 4: Lawyers - see rule 3.
        It is okay to drive a gas-guzzler if it helps you get babes.
        Everyone should carpool except me.
        Bring back the word 'stewardesses'.
        Synchronized swimming is not a sport.
        Mud wrestling IS a sport.
        Those are your ten commandments.

JFRSN   But Al, that's only nine.

AL      Those are your nine commandments.

 Officer Dan gets up.

DAN     Well, I can live with that. I say we all go back and spread the word. And help 
        Al get what appears to be flour out of his hair.

ROGER   It's stupid to start back now. It'll be pitch black before we reach the bottom.

JFRSN   Yeah, well, if we're gonna stay here, we better keep this fire going. Now does 
        anybody have something we can throw in the fire?

BARNEY  All I have is my Victoria's Secret catalog.

ROGER   Yeah, me too.

BOB R   Me too.

 Officer Dan takes Bob Rooney's copy of Victoria's Secret from him.

DAN     Well, then all we have is these, or these sacred commandments.

 Dan thinks about this, then gives Bob Rooney back his catalog and he and Jefferson take
 the two guitar halves away from Al's hands and throw them in the fire.

AL      Sinners! Blasphemers! Heathens! Sinners!

 Jefferson hands Al a Victoria's Secret catalog.

AL      Hooters! Hooters!

 Al sits down. Some of the guys wave their catalogs to strengthen the fire.


CLOSING CREDITS

 As the closing credits roll, Al is seen sneaking into the garage in his pajamas. 
 He turns on the light, walks over to a large tool bench and pushes it aside to reveal
 a hidden fridge. Al opens the fridge and smiles in delight at all the food in it.


THE END