Regular Cast:

Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Peg Bundy..................Katey Sagal
Marcy D'Arcy...............Amanda Bearse
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Jefferson D'Arcy...........Ted McGinley
Buck.......................Buck the Dog

Guest Cast:

Aaron......................Hill Harper
Dabbs......................Tom Silardi
Enid.......................Winifred Freedman
Sloan......................Michael Lowry
Patrick....................Michael Anthony Vaccar



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

 The shoe store
 Al is sitting opposite a fat woman named Enid, struggling to put a shoe on
 her foot. Al picks up a spray can and sprays Enid's foot.

AL     Okay, Enid, work with me here. Pull in... pull in your talons, we're
       almost there.

 Al labors and finally manages to put the shoe on. They both sit back, panting.

ENID   See? I told you I was a four.

AL     No, ma'am. "Four" is what you'll have to yell when the shoe pops off
       your foot. Are we finished here?

ENID   Well, I'm not sure I like this shade of blue.

AL     I'll tell you what I'll do, then. We'll stand you in front of a mirror,
       I'll begin strangling you. When you've reached the shade of blue that is
       satisfactory to you, you yell "moo" and I'll stop.

ENID   That's it! I'm taking my business elsewhere.

AL     May I suggest Jenny Craig?

 The fat woman gets up and leaves. On her way she shoves the shoe into the arms
 of Aaron, who is just coming in, holding a package with cyan wrapping.

AARON  So, how much do you figure you owe this store on commissions?

 Al chuckles and takes the shoe from Aaron.

AL     I'm not selling shoes for the money, Aaron. I'm in it to torture fat
       women. Where've you been?

AARON  To buy you a birthday present. Here.

 Aaron gives Al the package and Al opens it and takes out a video cassette.

AARON  It's "Hot Dog: The Movie".

AL     I'd prefer "Hot Dog - the hot dog".

 Al throws the cassette behind him.

AARON  Well, that's due back at 10am tomorrow.

AL     Yeah, I know how it feels. But at least you didn't sing "Happy Birthday"
       to me. I hate that. Nothing to do but to stand there like an idiot till
       the damn thing is finished. I hope I get through the day without someone
       singing "Happy Birthday" to me.

 Jefferson comes in and walks over to Al, singing.

JFRSN  [singing] Happy birthday to you
                 Happy birthday to you
                 Happy birthday dear Al
                 Happy-py-py birthday to you.

 Jefferson laughs.

JFRSN  Hey, Aaron.

AARON  Hey, Mr. D'Arcy.

JFRSN  [to Al] Anyway, Marcy and I just wanted to wish you many happy returns.
       Actually, Marcy wanted to wish you you get caught down wind from your
       own feet and die, but "I" wanted to wish you many happy returns.

AL     Oh, thanks, Jefferson. Oh, and if you see the wife - floor it.

 Jefferson fishes out an envelope from his jacket pocket and hands it to Al.

JFRSN  Here you are, buddy. Happy birthday.

AL     What's this?

JFRSN  It's a car wash coupon.

AL     Well, thanks, Jefferson, but you know they won't let me go through the
       car wash in the Dodge.

JFRSN  Not a regular wash, Al. This is a topless car wash.

 Al opens the envelope and takes the coupon out.

AL     [reading from coupon] "Soapy Headlights - where only the cars wear
       bras."

 Al hugs Jefferson.

JFRSN  And it's conveniently located just seventy miles out of town, at the
       end of a long dirt road.

AARON  But I don't understand: both of you guys are married. Can't you just
       look at your wives topless?

 Al and Jefferson both look at Aaron weirdly.

AL     Have you seen his wife?
JFRSN  Have you seen his wife?

 Al walks over to Aaron.

AL     Aaron, let me explain something to you. When you've been married as
       long as I have, you do not want to see your wife topless. Speechless,
       maybe. Headless, naturally. But never ever topless.

 He shudders.

JFRSN  Come on, Al. Marcy's car could use a good buffing. 

 Jefferson chuckles.

JFRSN  As could I. Come on, let's go now.

AL     No, I can't. I promised I'd go home for my birthday party. 'Course
       that's where the kids are gonna give me a lot of godawful presents.
       You know, sometimes I think that there actually might be a store out
       there with presents just for me that's named "Godawful". And then to
       top horrors, Peg is probably gonna make me a cake as only she can.


SCENE TWO

 Peg is standing by the kitchen table, pouring whipped cream over a ready-
 made cake's cardboard box. Bud is standing next to Peg and Kelly is sitting
 at the kitchen table. Both are holding presents.

KELLY  Mmm, cake looks good this year. What kind is it?

PEG    Well, it's either chocolate or Uncle Ben's Minute Rice. Now do we have
       any candles?

BUD    Nope. Dad said no candles this year, because of last year's little mishap.

KELLY  Hey, I just thought that Roman candles meant that they were imported.
       You know, from Romany.

BUD    It's amazing. Dad's looks and Buck's brains.

BUCK   At least I've never tried to date one of my plastic toys.

BUD    So what did you get Dad this year, Mom?

PEG    Well, I was in the mall, and there it was. There's this new photography
       studio called "Sex You Up", and they specialize in boudoir photos. You
       know, where they like lay you on a bed and dress you up real sexy...

BUD    Oh, you mean like the picture on Kelly's driver's license.

KELLY  That may be, but I've never gotten a ticket, now, have I?

PEG    Gee, I hope I did the right thing. You know, he said what he really
       wanted was an oil filter. But what's he gonna do with a silly thing
       like an oil filter?

 Al's car is heard backfiring outside.

PEG    Daddy's home!

 Peg, Bud and Kelly run to the door. Bud opens the door and smoke fills the
 living room.

PEG    Is it him?

BUD    I can't tell. It's either Daddy or there's a new Pope.

 Al comes in.

BUD    Happy bir -
PEG    Happy bir -
KELLY  Happy bir -

AL     Shut up! Well, let's get this charade over with. Where's my 
       cardboard cake?

BUD    It's over on the table, Dad.

 We see Buck licking the whipped cream off the cardboard box.

AL     Anybody want to light the dog? I'll make a wish.

 Al sits on the couch.

KELLY  No, wait, Daddy, you've gotta open your presents first.
 
 Kelly and Bud sit down next to Al and hold up their presents, smiling. The
 word "Godawful" is written on the wrappings of both presents. 

AL     "Godawful". I knew it!

KELLY  I really think you're gonna love this, Daddy.

BUD    Happy birthday, Dad.

 Kelly and Bud open their presents simultaneously to reveal two ties,
 identical to the one Al is already wearing. Al takes the ties out of the boxes
 and holds them up next to his own tie.

AL     Two of something I don't want. 

 Al puts the ties back in their boxes.

AL     That's the second time that's happened.

BUD    Well, um, we can exchange them for you, Dad.

KELLY  Okay, but I don't know what good it's gonna do.

 Kelly switches presents with Bud and holds up the present, smiling. Al rubs
 his temples.

BUD    Ahem. Excuse us.

 Bud gets up and leads Kelly by the arm to the door.

BUD    We can't be related.

 Bud and Kelly leave.

AL     So what did you get me this year, Peg? My usual "get out of sex free"
       card?

PEG    No, honey. This year I got you something really special. Now I'm a little
       nervous about this... 

 Peg sits on the couch next to Al and picks up a framed picture from the
 coffee table.

PEG    Happy birthday, Al!

 Peg holds up the picture, which shows her lying down in a blue velvet robe,
 for Al to see.

AL     Oh, Peg!

PEG    You like it?

 Al takes the picture from Peg.

AL     I love it! Who is she?

PEG    It's me! 

 Al looks at the picture again with surprise.

PEG    Now, come on, honey. Tell me what you really think.

AL     Well, I... I think you look...

 A frame appears around Peg's face, with the words "Wife-O-Meter" written at 
 the top. Below it is written "well, I think you look...". Four options and
 their expected consequences appear successively on the screen:
 A. Old - consqeunces: Groin pull... possible head trauma.
 B. Good after ten beers - consequences: Groin pull. Definite head trauma.
 C. Beautiful - consequences: Groin pull... after failure to keep straight
    face.
 D. Nice - consequences: Meaningless compliment accepted. Meaningless marriage continues.
 A red X appears after the first three options. A green tick appears after the
 fourth.

AL     Nice.

PEG    Oh, Al.

 Peg moves closer to Al and leans against him.

AL     Whoa, Peg, please don't touch me on my birthday.

PEG    Now, I want you to take this to work with you and hang it up, so I can
       be with you all day long.

AL     Well, that kinda defeats the purpose of going to work, doesn't it?

PEG    No more than your paycheck does.

 Peg laughs.

PEG    Oh, I'm just kidding, you big birthday lug you. Now I'm gonna put this
       right here, so you can remember to take it with you.

 Peg puts the picture on the coffee table and gets up.

AL     I'm not taking it! It's my birthday, I'm putting my foot down.


SCENE THREE

 Al is hanging Peg's picture on the shoe store wall. Aaron is watching.

AARON  So what's wrong with it? I think she looks... nice.

AL     That's not the point. You know why women want men to hang up their
       pictures?

AARON  So we appreciate -

AL     No! It's to mark their territory.

 Al hangs a bag to cover Peg's picture.

AARON  Are you sure the reason you don't want that picture up there is so
       other guys can't see how good she looks?

AL     Oh yeah, that's it. You see, Aaron, I've been married to Peg for over
       twenty years. I've seen her from the front, I've seen her from the back.
       I've seen her in a chair, I've seen her in a sack. I've seen her stand,
       I've seen her crouch, I've seen her on her stupid couch. I do not like
       her in the mall, I do not like her in the hall. I do not like her in my
       life, I do not like my big red wife! Listen kid, you're single, you
       don't understand. See, married men are never jealous of their wives. That
       picture could be up all over town. Wouldn't mean a hill of beans to me.

 Behind Al, a huge ad for the "Sex You Up" studio with Peg's boudoir photo is
 lowered into place outside the shoe store.

AL     They could put it on the side of a milk carton, they could put it on
       the side of the Sears tower. They can even put it on the side of -

 Al turns around and sees the ad.

AL     [with shock] Great Caeser's ghost!


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

 Al, Aaron and Jefferson are standing by the shoe store window, looking at
 Peg's enlarged photo.

JFRSN  I'd do her.

AL     Oh, you're a guy with high standards. You'd do Marcy! Jefferson, I gotta
       get them to get that sign down.

JFRSN  How come?

AARON  He's jealous.

AL     I am not jealous! I just respect other men's rights not to turn to stone
       in front of my store, that's all. Now, Jefferson, I want - will you stop
       leering at my wife??

JFRSN  Sorry.

AL     Now listen, you're good at talking people into things. I mean, you
       talked Marcy into believing you married her for her looks. Go to that
       photographer and get him to take that sign down.

JFRSN  Hey, maybe I can get him to replace it with this.

 Jefferson takes a photo out of his jacket pocket and shows it to Al.

JFRSN  Picture I took of the girls at the topless carwash.

AL     Where's your car?

JFRSN  Oh, I took the bus over there. As long as I went "vroom vroom vroom" as
       I went through it, they didn't seem to know the difference.

 Al pushes Jefferson outside impatiently.

AL     Aaron, Aaron, it's very important that sign come down before Peg sees
       it. What I want you to do is go outside and look for her, and yell when
       you see her.

 Peg, Bud and Kelly come in behind Al as he speaks. Aaron screams.

AL     No, not her picture, not her picture, her.

 Al turns, sees Peg and screams.

PEG    Hi Al. Did you see it?

AL     Yes, Peg, I saw it. Ray Charles would see it. But why is it up there?

PEG    Well, the photographer asked if he could use one of my shots to
       advertise his business. I just didn't think he was gonna make it that...

AL     Shamu-lian?

PEG    Well, I was gonna say gorgeous. Kids, what do you think?

BUD    Well, I think you look... nice.

KELLY  [quietly to Bud] You could see her from space.

BUD    You would know. Dad, we'd love to hang around and share your proudest
       moment, but anything just came up and we gotta go.

KELLY  Oh, wait. Before we do, we just wanna apologize for yesterday's little
       birthday boo-boo. It's all fixed now. Here you go.

 Bud and Kelly open the presents they're holding, to reveal to indentical blue
 shirts just like Al's.

AL     [chuckling] Kids, come. Come here now.

 Bud and Kelly come closer to Al. Al puts his arms around their shoulders 
 and then bangs their heads together.

AL     Get out.

 Bud and Kelly leave, holding their foreheads.

KELLY  Bye, Dad.

BUD    [weakly] Happy birthday.

AL     Now, Peg, I haven't asked for much, and God knows I've gotten it.
       But I really think that picture oughta come down. Now, I like it myself,
       but some people have been complaining about it.

 A man named Dabbs walks by the store, looking at Peg's photo. He notices Peg
 inside the store and walks over to her.

DABBS  Excuse me, miss. Hope you don't think I'm being to forward, but you are
       truly one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen.

PEG    Aw.

DABBS  Now that I see you in person, that photograph doesn't do you justice.

 Dabbs kisses Peg's hand.

DABBS  It's been a pleasure to bask in your presence. Good day.

 Dabbs leaves.

AL     See, Peg? I told you that people were complaining.

PEG    You know what I think, Al? I think you're jealous.

AL     Jealous, Peg? I'll tell you what I'm jealous of. I'm jealous of any man
       who can come home after work to a cold beer and a warm meal. And a wife
       somewhat smaller than the Bullwinkle balloon in the Macy's day parade.
       But if you think for one second that I'm jealous of that picture, you're
       out of your nine-foot mind!

 Two men named Sloan and Patrick walk by the store and stop in front of Peg's
 photo.

SLOAN  Boy, I'd love to put the top down and test drive that for a weekend.

PATRIC Yeah. Nice airbags, too.

AL     'Scuse me, Peg.

 Al goes outside, punches Sloan in the face and Patrick in the stomach, and
 goes back inside the shoe store.

AL     Now that we have this jealousy garbage out of the way, that picture
       comes down. Aaron, get me a blowtorch.

PEG    Only if you'll admit that you're jealous.

AL     I'm not jealous!

PEG    Fine! Then you won't mind if it stays.

AL     Not if it doesn't bother you, it doesn't bother me. Other than that low-
       grade nausea.

PEG    All right, then. I'll be seeing you. And you'll certainly be seeing me.

 Peg starts to leave. A man in a long raincoat walks by Peg's photo, flashes
 it and walks on.

PEG    [to Al] Why can't you ever say nice things like that?

 Peg leaves.

AARON  Mr. Bundy, why don't you just tell your wife you're jealous and get it
       over with?

AL     Aaron, let me explain something to you: you don't know anything! Even if
       a man is jealous, he can never ever tell that to a women. Why, that's
       like saying: "Here's a hand granade, put it down my pants"! Once they
       know you're jealous, they've got you by your bobbit. You have lost your
       last ounce of dignity, and like the once-mighty Mahi-Mahi, you will end
       up on a poo-poo platter in the Tikki Hut of life! Any questions??

AARON  Do you wanna lay down for a while?

AL     No! I don't have time to lie down. Gotta get that picture down. I know
       Jefferson can do it. He can con anybody.

 Jefferson comes in.

JFRSN  Hey Al, guess what? The Sex You Up photographer said I've got the best
       set of cheekbones outside of Rob and Fab of Mili Vanili. He's giving me
       a thousand headshots for half price. And I'm not giving any of them away.

 Jefferson leaves.

AL     I know now what I have to do. Truly go where no man has gone before.


SCENE TWO

 The D'Arcy living room.
 Al is standing behind a counter, in front of a group of women. There is a
 "F.A.N.G  Feminists Against Neanderthal Guys" sign on the wall behind Marcy.

AL     Fellow Fangsters. I come before you this evening not as a man -

 The women clap their hands.

AL     But as a friend who understands the plight of today's feminists. True,
       we have had our differences in the past, but I have seen the light -
       and luckily there's not too much in here.

 All the women frown at Al.

AL     But to prove to you that I have changed, I would like to extend an
       olivebranch of peace. A symbol of truce. You ladies would recognize
       them as moustache combs.

 Al throws some moustache combs to the women, who remain frowning and 
 motionless.

AL     [chuckling] Everyone gets one. Anyway, ladies -

MARCY  We prefer to be called Gyno-Americans.

AL     Then Rhino Americans it is! Anyway, a grave injustice has been going on
       down at the New Market Mall. A real woman's body is being exploited, by 
       men, for profit.

 All the women gasp.

AL     Now, hang on to your flannel panties, there is still time to act. I want
       every gynoceros in this room to charge down to the New Market Mall and
       stop this dastardly deed. Show them, as only you can, that a woman's body
       is not to be appreciated, but to be feared, reviled, and, in the case
       of most of you, kept totally covered at all times. Hurry, my sisters,
       down to the mall. But remember: not more than three in the elevator at
       one time.

 Marcy steps behind the counter in front of Al.

MARCY  What our hunting and gathering friend here is trying to say, is that we
       have important work to do. We must strike a blow -

 Marcy turns around and kness Al between the legs.

MARCY  For all women. This cannot be a slap -

 Marcy hits Al in the face with the back of her hand.

MARCY  On the wrist. It must be a punch -

 Marcy turns around again and punches Al in the stomach.

MARCY  In the labanza to all oppressors. And thank you for bringing this to
       our attention, Al.

AL     [painfully] You're welcome.

MARCY  Skin him.

 The women get up and start advancing towards Al.


SCENE THREE

 Al and Peg are sitting on the couch watching TV.

TV     And in other news, crazed feminists charged the New Market Mall and
       pulled down an oversized boudoir photo they deemed sexist. After
       storming into a photographer's studio where local man Jefferson D'Arcy
       was allegedly posing nude on a bareskin rug. Mr. D'Arcy was dragged
       by an unnamed body part and flung into the mall fountain by the
       howling women.

 Al turns the TV off.

AL     Women. Can't live with them, can't herd them all into Canada.

PEG    Al, did you have anything to do with those women taking down my picture?

AL     Peg, on your mother's life: no. If there's anything I hate, it's women's
       bodies being exploited. It has to stop for all our sakes, Peg.

 Al gets up.

PEG    How very liberated of you. Where are you going?

 Al puts a pair of binoculars around his neck and walks to the door.

AL     To the carwash.

 Al leaves.


ENDING CREDITS

 Al is sitting on the couch. Bud and Kelly come in, holding presents.

BUD    Dad...

KELLY  Happy birthday.

AL     Let me guess: Pants. 

 Bud and Kelly nod.

AL     That look like this?

 Al points to his pants. Bud and Kelly open their presents and inside both
 are pants like the ones Al is wearing.

KELLY  [to Bud] I told you he had pants.

BUD    You didn't tell me he had gray ones like that.

 Bud and Kelly start to leave.

KELLY  Yes, I have seen him wear pants before!

 Bud and Kelly exit.


THE END