Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy
Buck the Dog............Buck


Guest Cast:

Hill Harper.............Aaron
Ron Perkins.............Doctor
Mark Clayman............Jay
Terence Winter..........Lee
Don Maxwell.............Dad



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

Marcy and Peggy are on the couch. Marcy is eating popcorn.

MARCY   God, men are stupid.

The camera pans back to reveal Marcy and Peggy using thigh masters.

MARCY   And then there's Al. I can't believe he is really at the park playing football with
        Aaron and a bunch of college boys.

PEGGY   Well, why? Says he's in shape.

MARCY   Oh please. If Al didn't have to bend over to steal our paper every morning, he
        wouldn't get any exercise at all.

PEGGY   Yeah, but you know in Al's defence, football has always meant a lot to him. In 	
        fact, it's the only time when he can still 'go deep'. [laughs] Besides, what 
        could go wrong?

Aaron enters.

AARON   Mrs Bundy? Something's gone wrong. It's your husband's back.

AL      [off screen] For the last time, I tell ya, I'm fine. I'm fine, I tell ya!

Al, bent doubled, is helped inside by two of Aaron's friends, Jay and Lee.
They help Al make his way to the couch. Al stops them.

AL      Wait a minute, wait a minute!

JAY     Why, is the pain too much?

AL      No, I see a nickel.

Al picks up the nickel. 

AL      All right, get me to the couch.

Al is helped to the couch, grunting. He sits down next to Marcy with some effort and lets 
out a sigh.

MARCY   Football is so stupid. Why don't you men do something positive with your free time? 
        You know what my women's group and I were doing this morning?

AL      Having "this side up" mowed into the hair on their chests?

MARCY   No. Actually, we were at an environmental seminar, discussing ways to save the
        nation's topsoil. [Marcy looks over Al's head] And I can see by the back of your
        neck, you're the - you've already done more than your part.

PEGGY   How bad is it, Aaron?

AARON   Well, we took him to my doctor and he says all Mr. Bundy needs is a minor 
        operation. They make this little circular incision in his lower back, ease the
        pressure off his spine and he's good as new!

Peggy looks at Al.

PEGGY   Good going, crazy legs. Now you need an operation!

AL      [cringing with pain] I'm fine, don't you see I'm fine?

PEGGY   Fine? Fine for what, Al? [sits down] Starring in the circus as Bundo The Fiddler 
        Crab Boy? Ringing bells in a clock tower somewhere? Granted, they're both higher 
        paying jobs than the one you have now. But, I would imagine that by the time you
        got home, you'd want to be fully erect. But then again...

Al snickers coldly at Peg.

LEE     You know, Mr. Bundy, our coach taught us some great massage techniques for the back.

JAY     Yeah, you wanna give it a try?

AL      Well, I don't mind...

Marcy suddenly leaps up in pretend pain, cutting Al off.

MARCY   Oh-oh-ohh! Oh, there's goes my back again... 

Marcy walks over to the guys. As she passes Al, she pushes his head down, aggravating his 
spine. Al cries out in pain.

MARCY   Could you boys help me home and up the upstairs, and into my bedroom and out of 
        these uncomfortable clothes?

JAY     Well sure, only if it'll make you feel better.

MARCY   Oh, it will. [smiling] It will! Do you boys like Pina coladas?

Marcy, Aaron and the other guys leave.
Peggy gets up and walks over the phone.

AL      Hey, where you going, Peg?

PEGGY   I am calling the hospital about your operation.

Al whines loudly in dispute. Peggy picks up a mirror and holds it under Al's face.

PEGGY   Al, look at you! You have got to get this taken care of.

AL      But I'm fine!

PEGGY   You are goin' to the hospital.

Peggy gets up and walks over to the phone.

AL      I am NOT going to the hosp -

Al gets up, still cringing, and tries to make his way around the couch, with considerable effort.

AL      All I need... is a hot shower and a little bit of rest, and you'll see that by
        tomorrow I'll be my old self.

PEGGY   [on the phone] Hello operator? 

AL      [breathless] Just have to get around this couch here...

PEGGY   Uh, yes, I'd like the number of the hospital, please...

AL      Up the stairs, wherever they are...

PEGGY   Uh, which one? Oh, I don't know. What's the cheapest one?

Al makes it behind the couch, then slowly collapses to the floor at Peggy's feet. 
Peggy looks at him.

PEGGY   [still on the phone] No, an ambulance won't be necessary. A hearse may be good.


SCENE TWO

The hospital.
There is long line of people waiting to use the phone. Peggy is the one currently using it. 
She is chatting to Marcy.

PEGGY   No, Marce, "Men Who Leave Their Wives For IHOP Waitresses" is on Geraldo... Al? 
        He's been in surgery for about an hour now.

A man behind Peggy cuts in.

FATHER  Look, ma'am, my wife has just given birth to triplets.

PEGGY   Well, congratulations. Who's the father?

The man looks offended. Peggy goes back to her phone conversation.

PEGGY   So anyway, Al just keeps going on about how "something bad" is going to happen to 
        him, and I say "Look, it's a simple operation. What are the odds of something
        horrible happening to you?"

A doctor approaches Peggy.

DOCTOR  Excuse me, Mrs. Bundy, but something horrible has happened to your husband. 

PEGGY   Uh, Marcy, can I call you back? [listens; to the doctor, holding up the receiver:] 
        She says, "No, and can you speak louder?"

DOCTOR  There is some good news - he's alive.

PEGGY   Well, how alive? Can he walk? Can he talk? Will he ever be able to work again?

DOCTOR  He's a shoe salesman, Mrs. Bundy. We could replace his brain with a sock full of  
        popcorn, he would still be able to work. [checks his chart] See, this was one of
        those... unfortunate accidents due to simple human error. It seems our surgical
        team misread your doctor's instructions. It said to give him a "circular incision".

PEGGY   Yeah. So, how could you misread that?

DOCTOR  We gave him a... circumcision.

Peggy stares at the doctor is awe and disbelief. Marcy is heard shrieking with laughter
through the phone, until Peggy covers the receiver.

PEGGY   Oh dear. Uh, where is he?

DOCTOR  That's the other thing...

The scene flips to a room full of newly circumsized babies, all crying. Al is seen in a bed
next to them, crying and fussing like a baby.



ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Kelly and Bud come downstairs carrying boxes. 

BUD     Man, just when you thought all the disasters that could happen to Dad have happened 
	to Dad.

KELLY   Yeah, a circumcision. And we thought he was in a mood when they cut his hair too short. 
        Now we can't even tell him it'll grow back... Can we?

BUD     Yeah, why not? We lied about his hair. I just hope we got all Dad's magazines. I
        mean, when Mom called, she said it was very important to get rid of anything that 
        could turn Dad on before he's had a chance to heal.

KELLY   Wow, thirty days without sex. What's that like?

BUD     Thirty days is nothing! I mean, I've gone as...

Bud stops and looks accusingly at Kelly, who is smiling evilly.

BUD     [defensively] Well, I don't know!

Al is heard moaning outside.

KELLY   What was that?

Al moans again, only louder.

KELLY   Dad!
BUD     Dad!

Bud takes a box of magazines to another part of the room. Kelly rushes to the front door
and looks out.

KELLY   I think they're rounding the corner up the street. Hurry up with the magazines!

BUD     [holding a magazine] Okay, what about this People?

KELLY   Who's on the cover?

BUD     It's Ross Perot.

KELLY   Hide it. Dad says that his ears look like tiny hooters.

Bud looks at the magazine cover.

BUD     Dad is sick.

Bud sneakily tucks the magazine into his pants and picks the box up.

BUD     Okay, where are they now?

KELLY   Uh, they're about to go over the hump at the intersection.

Al is heard screaming as he goes over the hump.

KELLY   And now the three small potholes in front of the McGinty's...

Al screams "ow" three times.

KELLY   And now the big one...

Al reacts with a loud, high moan.

KELLY   Hurry up, before they get in the driveway!

The car is heard approaching.

BUD     Think Mom's gonna hit the curb?

KELLY   Nah.

The car is heard hitting the curb.

AL      [o.s.] Oh, sweet baby James!

Kelly quickly shuts the door, grabs a box of magazines and gives it to Bud.

BUD     Okay, I'm ready. Where should I put them?

KELLY   Uhhh, in the basement.

Kelly and Bud rush to the basement, Kelly opens the door and Bud starts down the steps.

BUD     Okay. Wait a sec. How do we know Dad won't go down here?

KELLY   Because we never fixed the step!

We hear Bud screaming as he falls down the stairs. One of the lights tilts.
A car door is heard closing.

KELLY   Here they come!

Kelly quickly shuts the door. She runs to the couch and sits.
Peggy enters.

PEGGY   Well, Mr. Grumpy's home!

Al slowly enters, dressed in his robe. He closes the door.

AL      Just a small word of warning: Anyone who says "what's up?" goes down. Wasn't funny 
        when the doctor asked it, wasn't funny when the nurse asked it, and certainly
        wasn't funny when your mother asked it.

Al sits on the couch.

PEGGY   Then again, I've been asking for years.

Bud enters from the basement, holding his head. He mouths some angry words at Kelly.

AL      That you, Son?

BUD     Yeah, Dad. [pats Al on the shoulder] What's up?

We see Peggy and Kelly's faces as Bud is heard being punched by Al. Bud falls behind the
couch.

AL      Any other questions?

KELLY   Yeah. So, um, how's your... uhh... your back?

AL      Fine. Not that they did anything to it. But, uh... for some odd reason I feel less 
        concerned about it. Peg, would you have any idea why I'd feel less concerned about
        it??

Peggy hangs her head. Kelly puts up her hand, eager to answer.

KELLY   I do, I do.

AL      Pumpkin?

KELLY   Because you're in so much more pain from the circumcision.

AL      Correct. [Kelly smiles, pleased] And while we're on that subject, does anybody know 
        why such a wacky thing could've happened to Daddy in the first place?

Peggy hangs her head again.
Kelly again puts up her hand eagerly.

AL      Pumpkin?

KELLY   Because Mommy made you go to the hospital?

AL      Close, sweetheart. Mommy married Daddy first, then made him go to the hospital.

Bud regains consciousness and appears from behind the couch.

AL      Ah, Son, you've come to just in time. 'Cause here's something really funny. Did you
        know that Daddy's nurse was a fat woman who used to come to his shoe store? Well, I
        say "used to", because her patronage fell off one day when she came in and asked
        for something to make her foot look smaller and I said "try your ass." She 
        remembered! And we laughed. Then she picked up a catheter the size of a boa
        constrictor and charged! And all of a sudden, for just a brief moment in a land far
        away, there was Abraham, Martin and Al, saying, "If it wasn't for the wife..."

PEGGY   [cutting Al off] Al. I am very, very sorry about this. And if there's anything I can
        do - swim the deepest ocean, climb the highest mountain, just tell me and I'll do it.
 
AL      How 'bout a sandwich?

PEGGY   [whining] Sandwich? Nnnooooowwww???

AL      [weakly] Kids, did Daddy tell you he got some stitches?

PEGGY   [walking into the kitchen] Okay. Okay, I'll make you a sandwich.

AL      Thank you. Now, it's over as far as I'm concerned. [Stands] Everything is back to 
        normal.

Al takes off his robe. He is wearing a bright yellow muumuu with an ugly pattern on it. 
Al eases back onto the couch. Bud and Kelly look at him oddly.

AL      What!?

KELLY   Well, how much did they cut off, Dad?

PEGGY   No, Kelly. It's just that he won't be able to wear anything tight for a while. So I
        brought him something of Grandma's.

AL      Fortunately, all I need was the sleeve; I sent the rest back. And by the way, I
        don't want anyone talking about this, Peg! Especially you! 

PEGGY   Oh, Come on, Al, I'm as embarrassed about this as you are. Besides, who would I tell?

Marcy enters, followed by Jefferson.

MARCY   Hey, Stubby... We heard about what happened, so we got you a card.

Marcy holds up Al's card. It has a picture of a pair of scissors on the front.

JEFFSN  Uh, I talked her out of the "Ask Me About My Circumcision" bumper sticker.

Marcy reads her card to Al.

MARCY   We heard about your little loss, we know you'll make it through,
        'Cause, thankfully, the part they took was of no use to you.
        And though they took more than you'd like, the good luck is, you see,
        Another quarter inch it'd been a full lobotomy! [stops reading]
        P.S. Hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!

Marcy points and laughs hysterically at Al. Al calmly picks up Marcy's card.

AL      Kids, a lesson. Whenever you receive a card like this, it must be answered
        immediately by a thank you note. So would you please go 'key' one in the side of
        Marcy's car for Daddy?

KELLY   Sure, Dad.

Kelly and Bud start to leave, but Jefferson stops them.

JEFFSN  Whoa, whoa, now wait a second here! [more quietly] You guys know that Marcy's is the
        red beamer, right?

Bud and Kelly mutter things like "What, are we dumb? Of course we know" and eagerly run out.

JEFFSN  [laughing] Okay, go to it, then.

The kids leave.
Jefferson sits next to Al on the couch.

JEFFSN  Eh, cranky, huh, old buddy? Well, I know exactly how you feel. I had to get 
        circumsized myself once. 

AL      How'd you deal with the pain?

JEFFSN  I don't know, I was only one day old. So, what's up?

The camera quickly zooms in on Al's maddening face. The view changes to the kitchen and we
hear a punch and a thud.
Peggy and Marcy are in the kitchen, oblivious to what's going on in the living room. 
Marcy is helping Peggy make her sandwich. There is a long meaty sausage on the counter and a
baguette nearby.

PEGGY   Oh, Marcy, I feel just awful about this. The pain he must be in! And it's all my
        fault!

MARCY   Well, just do what you can to take his mind off it.

PEGGY   Well, I do.

Peggy picks up a small cleaver and chops the end of the sausage. Al sees this, cringes and 
looks nauseous.
Peggy picks up the baguette and puts in on the chopping board.

PEGGY   It's just that for some reason he cannot seem to let go of it.

Peggy chops the end of the baguette. Al again sees this, cringes and then passes out on the 
couch. Meanwhile, Jefferson's feet are seen sticking up behind the couch.

PEGGY   Nah, I don't know what to do.

MARCY   Well, just give it a few days. Besides, I hear there are some benefits to having a 
        circumsized man. They're healthier, the sex is better, they're less likely to...

Peggy cuts her off.

PEGGY   Whoa-ho-ho! The sex is better??

MARCY   For the woman.

PEGGY   Well, that's all I care about. Go on.

Al starts coming to.

MARCY   Well, they say it lasts longer because the man is, uh, less sensitive.

Marcy chops the baguette 5 times. Al, again watching this, promptly passes out again.

MARCY   Of course, you're gonna have to wait about a month to find out.

PEGGY   Hey, with Al, I can do a month standing on my head. Sometimes I have to. Sometimes
        I like it.


SCENE TWO

Caption: TWO WEEKS LATER
Al, now wearing an ugly green muumuu, is sitting on the couch, looking through some
magazines. He picks up a few magazines with guns on the covers, then decides to fish out a
magazine from behind the couch cushion. It's a Playpen magazine. Al opens the magazine and
looks at it, and smiles contentedly. Then he suddenly looks up in horror and pain. He 
cringes, puts the magazine down and angrily turns on the TV.

TV      Tonight on a special report: Thong Bikinis of Rio.

Al cringes and changes the channel.

TV      Thong Bikinis of Hawaii.

Al changes channels again.

TV      Thong Bikinis of the Caribbean.

AL      Ahh! Sweeps month. Gotta be something on that's dull and boring.

He changes channels once more.

TV      Tonight on National Geographic: Stalking the Wily Prairie Dog.

AL      Well, that's better.

TV      But first: Thong Bikinis of the Serengeti!

Al turns off the TV and looks up at God.

AL      Good one.

Peggy enters.

PEGGY   Hi, honey. I'm sorry I'm late, but bingo was just a mad house tonight. So uh, how's
        it goin'?

AL      Horrible, Peg. Everything I see or hear is about sex.

PEGGY   Oh Al, that's just your imagination. There's plenty of other things going on.

Peggy sits in the armchair, opposite Al.

AL      Hmm... well... tell me about bingo.

PEGGY   Well, we overheard this couple going at it in the bathroom. I don't know how they
        thought they could get away with it. I mean, you could hear her a whole block away.
        [loudly] "Oh, Al!" - his name was Al, too - "Oh, Al!" On and on!

A "sproing" noise is heard.

PEGGY   What was that sound?

AL      A stitch.

PEGGY   Well, it's time to get this couch re-upholstered. [she picks up a magazine] I'm
        really glad I'm home. I am so tired.

Peggy starts reading the magazine. Her leg is twitching. Al watches her.

AL      Peg. Do you mind?!

PEGGY   Mind what?

AL      When you shake your leg like that it... makes your boobies go back and forth.

Peggy looks at Al strangely.

PEGGY   Sorry.

Peggy stops twitching her leg. She starts turning pages in her magazine, licking her fingers 
before she turns each page. Al looks horrified.

AL      Would you stop putting your finger in your mouth when you turn the page?!

PEGGY   I always do that.

AL      Well, it's just that's the first time I've... looked at ya.

PEGGY   Alright Al, I'll stop.

Peggy reads her magazine quietly, without moving. Al continues to watch her.
Peggy looks up suspiciously from her magazine, then at Al.

PEGGY   [sharp whisper] WHAT?

AL      You're breathing, in and out!!!

Peggy puts down the magazine, gets up and heads to the fridge.

PEGGY   This is ridiculous. I'm getting myself a snack and then I'm going to bed. You 
        know, your problem is, Al, you just can't allow yourself to think about anything
        else. 

Peggy opens the fridge and bends over to look inside. Al has a perfect view of her butt.

PEGGY   You know, read a book, watch a ball game. You know, my life is miserable too, but
        you don't see me going nuts.

Al grits his teeth.

PEGGY   Oh, by the way, honey, do you want anything while I'm in here?

Al resists the urge to lunge at Peg.

PEGGY   Al? [straightens up and turns around] Al??

Al has gone.
A shower is heard running.

PEGGY   A shower? [checks her watch] This early? Gee, it's only the tenth of the month.


SCENE THREE

Caption: TWO MORE WEEKS LATER
Peggy is on the phone. She sighs.

PEGGY   Well, I don't like this, Marcy. He's been in the garage past a month now, and I
        still can't get him to come out. I mean, suppose something went wrong? He was
        really starting to like those muumuus... [sadly] Yeah, well, suppose he's all well
        and he just doesn't want me anymore.

"Bad to the Bone" starts playing.
We see the garage door. Al rips the door off its hinges and comes out. He's wearing the 
yellow muumuu again. Peggy looks at Al, intrigued. Al looks at her, ready. He points at her,
then up at the bedroom. Peggy smiles broadly.

PEGGY   [still on the phone] Never mind!!!

Peggy hangs up. She starts running upstairs. Al follows her. They both disappear upstairs.
Seconds later, a crash is heard, the room shakes and debris falls from the roof into the
living room. A few more seconds later, Al comes back down stairs wearing his robe. He sits
on the couch and thinks. The music stops.

AL      You know, it did last longer. And the best part is, I didn't feel a thing!

Al puts his hand in his robe belt.



THE END



DIRECTED BY  SAM W. ORENDER
WRITTEN BY  MICHAEL G. MOYE
CREATED BY MICHAEL G. MOYE AND RON LEAVITT
ASSOCIATE PRODUCER  MICHAEL GREENSPON
PRODUCED BY  JOHN MAXWELL ANDERSON

CREATIVE CONSULTANT   DAVID CASTRO
STORY EDITOR   NANCY NEUFELD
CASTING   VICKI ROSENBERG AND GREGORY ORSON
"LOVE AND MARRIAGE" MUSIC AND LYRICS BY SAMMY CAHN AND JIMMY VAN HEUSEN
MUSIC BY   JOHNATHAN WOLFF
ART DIRECTOR   RICHARD IMPROTA
ASSISTANT ART DIRECTOR  JIM YARMER
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR   BOB PRIEST
STAGE MANAGERS   RICHARD DRANY, STEPHANIE SCOTT, NILES GOODSITE
EDITED BY LARRY HARRIS
PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE   KITTY ROUKE
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR   ROBERT A. BOWREN
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY   THOMAS W. MARKLE
AUDIO   LAURA OSBORN, CAROLYN BOWDEN, SCOTT GLICKMAN, ALAN ZEMA
CAMERAS   MIKE CULP, JIM LUNSFORD, BETTINA MYLENEK, DENNIS TURNER
RE-RECORDING   ROY PAHLMAN, JOHN BICKELHAUPT
PRODUCTION STAFF   ROCHELLE STATEN, CARL STUDEBAKER, FRAN KAUFER, HELEN PAI, GARRY BOWREN,
                   DON BECK, BERT L. COOK, CARSON SMITH
COSTUMES   MARTI M. SQYURES
PROPERTY MASTER   MICHAEL SEMON
MAKE-UP   KATHY ROGERS
HAIR STYLIST   DOTTIE MCQUOWN
DOG TARINER   STEVEN RITT
COPYRIGHT (C) 1993
ELP COMMUNICATIONS
All Right Reserved
COLUMBIA PICTURES TELEVSION