Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy
Buck the Dog............Buck

Guest cast:

Tom LaGrua..............Weasel
Lee Arenberg............Sal
J.J. Johnson............Louie
Dan Tullis, Jr..........Policeman
Sean N. Sickner.........Policeman #2



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

Peggy is sitting on the couch in a red dress, reading a magazine.
Al enters and hangs up his coat. Peg stands.

PEGGY) Hi Al, how was work?

AL)    Horrible, Peg, I fell off a ladder and I hurt my - 

PEGGY) [cutting him off] Well, that's nice. Cause I want you in a good mood. Honey, I
       bought a new dress. How do you like it?

AL)    I don't know, Peg, I'll have to see it without you in it. What do you need a new
       dress for, anyway? There's nobody inside the TV looking at you!

They sit on the couch.

PEGGY) Well, I bought it so I'd be ready. [opens magazine] Look, my horoscope says,
       "Buy a new dress. You are about to embark on a new and unique undertaking".
       Isn't that great?

AL)    Well, the "undertaking" part has a kind of a nice ring to it... But Peg, I don't
       believe in horoscopes.

PEGGY) And yet you believe in a nineteen year-old in Playboy pouring honey on her tush
       is really interested in saving the environment.

AL)    Hey, I never said I believed her, just that I supported her and loved her very
       much.

PEGGY) Let's just do your horoscope, Magoo. When's your birthday?

AL)    It's two months after yours, the only difference is that I have mine every year.

PEGGY) Look Al, you're a Cancer.

AL)    Right back at ya.

PEGGY) Honey, you have an amazing horoscope! It says, now brace yourself, "Good luck's
       a-comin'."

AL)    Well, now, that's a-different! Gee, till now Peg, I always thought horoscopes
       were a lot of hooey, but after hearing "good luck's a-comin'" then I realised
       they're based on hard scientific data. Tell me something, Peg, does it say
       anything in there about "The wife is a-leavin'" and "the kids are a-with her"?

Kelly enters in her waitress outfit and hangs up her coat.

KELLY) Daddy, I'm afraid I have some bad news for you.

AL)    Oh, Pumpkin, that can't be! The horror with the scope here says "Good luck's
       a-comin'"!

KELLY) The Health Inspector's closing down the diner for two days.

PEGGY) Well, that's not so bad.

KELLY) Then they're tearing it down. [sits on couch] Can you believe it? I'm unemployed.
       And it's all because of those stupid raisin cookies.

AL)    What, the raisin cookies you were getting me free everyday?

KELLY) Yeah. You know, it turns out that only half the raisins were actually raisins.

Al looks at her.

AL)    Well, what was the other half!?

KELLY) Oh, believe me, Daddy, you do not want to know!

Al makes a face.

KELLY) Oh well. I guess I'm out of a J-O-D.

AL)    Oh well, I guess you won't have enough money to move O-U-L.

KELLY) Not necessarily. It seems that one of people at the extermination company which
       deloused me, remembered me as the Verminator a couple of years ago and want me to
       be their new local mascot. Now, here's the part that's important to you, Dad.

AL)    You're going to tell me what the other half of those raisins were??

KELLY) Can't, Daddy. The guys at the Atomic Energy Commission said that mom's the word
       on this one. But the good news is, I'll be making more money than I did at the
       diner and will be able to move out sooner than I thought! Well, I better get
       busy. I'm under court order to burn this uniform.
 
She starts her way upstairs.

PEGGY) Remember to take it off first, honey.

KELLY) Oh, thanks, Mom.

PEGGY) Alright, now won't you believe that your horoscope is right? Good luck is a-coming.

AL)    Oh, come on, Peg. If Kelly does leave Bud will still be here. And having only kid
       around the house is like having only noose around your neck.

Bud enters, in a happy mood.

BUD)   Family! Good news. I pledged a fraternity today. And if I'm accepted, I'm moving
       into the Frat house.

PEGGY) Al, did you hear that?

BUD)    I can't believe it. I'm finally going to be a cool frat dude. I'll have respect,
        I'll have honor, I'll be my own man... Dad, can I have some money? I have to go
        buy a tutu with a trapdoor in it. They're going to spank me on the corner of
        Fifth and Main for my initiation.

Al gets some money out of his pocket and gives it to Bud.

AL)    Make me proud, son.

BUD)   Bula Bula, big guy.

Bud leaves.

PEGGY) Do you realise what this means?

AL)    Yes, Peg, I do. After Bud's arrested, that means all four of us are on the record
       for indecent exposure.

PEGGY) Al, why do you find it hard for you to admit that you're having good luck?

AL)    Peg, have you ever heard of The Bundy Curse?

PEGGY) You mean that foot odor thing?

AL)    No, the other curse! You see, the minute a Bundy starts having good luck, he
       immediately starts building up an equal amount of bad luck! It's simple
       Bundynomics. For example: when I was 18 years old, scored four touchdowns in 
       one game, I became the greatest football player in the history of Polk High.

PEGGY) And what bad thing happened after that?

Al turns to Peg and glares at her.

PEGGY) Oh! Like I'm the one who said, "Al, show no ambition. We can live off your income
       of rocks and leaves." Honey, there is nothing wrong with having good luck.

AL)    Yes, there is! And you know what's worse then a Bundy having good luck? 

PEGGY) A Bundy wearing Speedos while having good luck?

AL)    Good guess, Peg, no. A Bundy admitting he's having good luck, because that when
       the bad luck starts! 

PEGGY) Look, I don't care what you say. Good luck is a-coming!


SCENE TWO

Peggy is sitting on the couch watching TV. Al enters.

AL)    Peg, you won't believe this...

PEGGY) I know, Al, a fat woman came into the shore store today.

AL)    No, actually, an attractive woman came in today. Nothing but attractive women came
       in today.

PEGGY) So, what you're saying is that you had a good day?

AL)    No! No, you know I can't say that! It was... okay, that's all. I hit every green
       light; some of the songs on the oldies station were a couple of my all time
       favorites; a cop pulled me over, told me my tail light was out... gave me his.
       But I wouldn't call it a good day.

PEGGY) Well, here's some more good news that you won't want to hear about. It seems that
       Kelly is going to appear as the Verminator at Bud's homecoming rally. You know,
       a few more gigs like this and she really will be able to move out soon.

AL)    What about Bud, he didn't get into that fraternity, did he? Ha ha. Fraternities
       have standards, and they have traditions... nah...

Bud enters the house wearing a fraternity hat.

BUD)   Gamma Gamma Sigma Pi! Gonna gonna get some thigh! I'm in!

PEGGY) Words a male Bundy has never uttered before.

BUD)   Oh, it's gonna be great. I'm finally gonna be a cool frat dude. This time
       tomorrow, I'll be into the Frat house and out of the rat house. No offence.

PEGGY) None taken.

BUD)   Oh, by the way, Dad, they made me scrub all the toilets with a toothbrush, so I
       borrowed yours.

He takes a toothbrush out of his back pocket, hands it to Al and races upstairs.

PEGGY) Well, at least the part about the toothbrush was bad luck.

AL)    No, Peg, this is good luck. This is yours!

He gives Peg her toothbrush.

AL)    All these good things happening; the kids moving out... I'm doomed.

Suspenseful music plays.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

There is a fort of sandbags and barb wire around the table and couch. Al puts more
sandbags on it, then sits gingerly on the couch. 
Kelly then comes down the stairs, dressed as the Verminator, and stands next to the couch.

KELLY) Hi Daddy. Are things still going well?

AL)    I'm afraid so, Pumpkin.

KELLY) I'm sorry.

AL)    It's OK.

Kelly climbs over the arm of the couch and sits next to Al.

KELLY) Oh, I really wish you'd come to the homecoming rally tonight. I've been working
       on a special entrance. I'm going to ride this Harley up a ramp, jump over a
       bonfire pit and then light the flames with my exhaust.
 
AL)    Kelly, just exactly how did you learn to do stunts like this?

KELLY) In your car, ditching the police. How'd you learn to build a bunker like this? 

AL)    In bed, ditching your mom. Sweetheart, I really would love to go tonight, but I'm
       afraid to leave the fort. Cause then something good will happen and I'll be in a
       fate worse than death. Well, considering I'm married to your mother, a fate worse
       than life.

KELLY) Oh, well I'll make you proud of me. You know what the great thing is? I mean,
       career wise? This is just a start. You know, like Michael Jackson before he became
       Diana Ross? I mean, I'm just a local mascot now, but, with a little luck... I
       could be a dancing fruit in someone's underwear.

AL)    Well, better you than Bud. Go away, go away.

Kelly jumps off the couch as the doorbell rings.

AL)    That'll be the Grim Reaper.

Kelly answers the door to Marcy [with a camera] and Jefferson.

JEFF)  Hey, Kel. Break a leg!

KELLY) Pass a stone!

She gives Jefferson a dirty look and leaves. Jefferson shuts the door.

MARCY) [looking at his fort] Ooh Al, remodelling? You know, if you throw in a couple of
       years of corn and some mud, you'd have a mighty fine sty!

AL)    Hey, Jefferson, don't look now, but something followed you home from El Pollo
       Loco!

Jefferson laughs. 

MARCY) Look, I heard you've been having a run of good luck lately. Too bad it hasn't
       extended to the hair fairy. [Al touches his head] Where's Peggy hiding?

AL)    Oh, Bud's leaving tonight, so she's upstairs converting his room into a tabloid
       reading lounge.

MARCY) I want to take this camera up to her, she wants to take some pictures of Kelly
       tonight.

AL)    Hey, what happened to my camera?

MARCY) What you refer to YOUR camera was actually OUR camera, much as you refer to your
       garbage cans is actually our backyard.

Marcy goes upstairs.

AL)    Plucky little gal, isn't she?

JEFF)  Yeah, but she makes money.

Jefferson sits on the couch next to Al.

JEFF)  Anyway, Al, I've been a little worried about this lucky streak you've been having.
       I'm afraid it might wear off before I've had a change to take advantage on it.

AL)    Hells bells, we can't have that!

JEFF)  Agreed. So, naturally I just happen to know a few wealthy old grooves who are
       always in the mood for a good poker gamble. 

AL)    Oh, that's a good idea, Jefferson. I better check my cash reserve. Or maybe I
       better call my broker: E.F. Nuttin.

JEFF)  Not to worry, Al. You're having such a run of good luck that's why Marcy and I will
       be happy to stake you. All you have to do is not tell Marcy. And you and I, we'll
       split the winnings.

AL)    But, Jefferson, I'm cursed!

JEFF)  Fine, we won't tell Peggy either. 

AL)    No! It's all this good luck I'm been having. If I'd won a big poker game, I'll be
       dead. Jefferson, I'm sorry, I've got to look after number one here. No amount of
       money is worth my life.

JEFF)  How about we get you a big screen TV?

AL)    I'm in!


SCENE TWO

Al, Jefferson and 3 other guys [Sal, Louie and Weasel] are sitting around the kitchen table playing poker.
Al puts a handful of cards down on the table.

AL)    Full House, cowboys over nines.

LOUIE) Can you believe this guy's luck? He ain't lost a hand all night. I say we shoot
       him.

SAL)   Nah, shooting these days is so childish. I am up for a good beating, though!

AL)    Jefferson, is it me or are your friends getting a little touchy?

JEFF)  Relax, Al. I know these guys. They talk big, but they'd never hurt anyone in their
       life.

AL)    Where'd you meet 'em?

JEFF)  Prison.

Al looks worried.
Marcy enters.

MARCY) Hi Peggy! I'm ready to go!

JEFF)  In-coming!

The guys throw the tablecloth of their poker evidence to conceal it from Marcy.
Marcy sees what they are doing.

MARCY) Jefferson D'Arcy, are you gambling??

JEFF)  [trying to cover up] Uh, no, honey bunch! I'm just, uh, having my Environmental
       Sensitivity meeting. And as a matter of fact, this is our guest speaker. Doctor
       William - The Weasel - Sullivan. Doc?

Weasel stands and the others clap.

WEASE) Yes Ma'am, uh, tonight our focus is on Oregon, where the logging industry keeps
       raping the old growth forest which the endangered spotted owl depends on for
       sanctuary.

He sits as the other men applaud politely.

MARCY) Jefferson, I'm so ashamed. How can I make it up to you?

JEFF)  Oh, I'll survive, Marcy. It's the little owls I'm worried about.

MARCY) Well, I give a hoot!

Marcy hands Jefferson some money.

MARCY) Maybe this will help.

JEFF)  Thanks, Marcy, I'll see that it's put to good use.

Peg comes down the stairs with the camera.

MARCY) Oh, Peggy, come on. These men have important work to do.

PEGGY) All men do. Too bad they aren't better at it.

Peg and Marcy leave.
The men get back to their poker game.

JEFF)  Whoa. Weasel, I'm impressed! How did you know all that stuff about the spotted
       owl?

WEASE) Well, we bury a lot of guys in the north-west. And, we care!


SCENE THREE

Still at the Bundy house.
Text at the bottom of the screen: SEVERAL HOURS AND SEVERAL HANDS LATER

Al sighs as he grabs a heap of money and poker chips as he wins another game.

WEASE) Well, I'm tapped. Come on guys, let's hit the road.

SAL)   I say we hit Bundy and then the road.

JEFF)  Hey, what are we, a bunch of wimps?

WEASE) No, we're a bunch of pissed off ex-cons who don't like people calling us wimps.

JEFF)  I'll tell you what. The least we can do is give you guys a chance to even things
       up.

LOUIE) How can we do that? You've got all our money.

JEFF)  Yes, but you sill have one thing to get it back...

WEASE) Our guns?

JEFF)  Okay, two things. I was thinking of your cars.

AL)    Jefferson, this is something you should know: I don't own the D-O-D-G-E.
 
JEFF)  You don't have to. OK, guys, we'll play one hand. All of Al's winnings against all
       of your cars.

AL)    Jefferson, if I lose, you will still get me my big screen TV?

JEFF)  Sure, buddy. The biggest. Alright. Let the game begin.

LOUIE) I'm in.

WEASE) Me too.

The three guys put their keys down on the table.
Weasel picks up Sal's keyring and looks at it.

WEASE) "Hello Kitty"??

SAL)   Yeah, it's looks funny, but it feels really good in my pocket!

Jefferson deals out the cards to everybody.
Al looks at his. He has the Ace, King, Queen, Jack and Ten of Spades.
Al starts shaking. Jefferson looks at his cards and remains calm.

JEFF)  Excuse me.

Jefferson calmly opens the back door, steps outside and closes it behind him.

JEFF)  I'M GOING TO DISNEYLAND!!!

He then comes calmly back inside and resumes his place as dealer.

JEFF)  OK, who needs cards?

SAL)   I'll take two.

JEFF)  [giving him the cards] Two.

WEASE) Three.

JEFF)  [giving him the cards] Three.

LOUIE) One.

JEFF)  [giving him the card] And Al stand -

Al puts four of his cards on the table.

AL)    [cutting him off] Four!

JEFF)  Al, what are you doing?

AL)    I have to, Jefferson, I was getting the same feeling of dread I always get when
       Peggy finishes reading a romance novel. Nobody gets a hand like that. If I had
       played that hand I would have been cursed for the rest of my life. All ten minutes
       of it. Now give me four.

Jefferson reluctantly deals Al his cards.
The guys show their winning cards.

SAL)   Two pair.

WEASE) 3 tens.

LOUIE) I got you both beat: Flush. Bundy?

Al looks at his cards.
He has all four Aces and a five of clubs.
He puts them down on the table shakingly.

JEFF)  He's, he's got four aces! I win! I win!

He picks up Al and starts dancing with him.

AL)    I hope those are chips in your pocket!

JEFF)  Mostly.

Al breaks away from him.

AL)    Wait a second, Jefferson! Look what happened. I won and nothing bad happened.
       Nothing! The curse is over! Finally after 40 years in the darkness, I can finally
       lift my head up into the light and proclaim to one and all that Al Bundy IS A
       WINNER!

A herd of policemen burst through the front door with their guns out.

COP 1) Hands up! This is a raid!

AL)    Of course.

COP 1) Alright, who owns the Mercedes, the BMW and the Porsche parked out front?

Jefferson, Louie, Sal and Weasel all point at Al.

JEFF)  He does!  
LOUIE) He does!
SAL)   He does!
WEASE) He does!

COP 1) Well. We're running a make on the plate. I think they're all stolen.

AL)    Oh, I'm sure of it. Officer? What you do me a favor and turn on the TV?

COP 2) Why?

AL)    Just a hunch.

The second officer turns on the TV. Al walks to stand in front of it.

TV)    Tonight our TV Ten cameras caught one of the most spectacular accidents in Chicago
       history.

AL)    Here we go.

TV)    A young girl dressed as "The Verminator" was temporarily blinded by a red-headed
       woman taking a flash photo of her while she jumped over a bon-fire on a
       motorcycle. 

AL)    Al Bundy, this is your life.

TV)    Upon landing, she crashed into a nearby fraternity house, igniting a fire which
       will force the fraternity members to move back home for the semester. Nobody at
       this time knows for sure which fraternity house was destroyed.

AL)    Oh, I'm sure.

TV)    Fortunately "The Verminator" escaped injury, but since she had no insurance,
       somebody will paying for the damage for a long time.

AL)    But not with those winnings, hey, Officer?

All the cops are stuffing Al's money into their pockets.

COP 1) What winnings?

AL)    My mistake. Let's go.

Al continues to speak as all the cops take Al and the others outside.

AL)    Well, at least this curse is over. I'm a free man! Lock me up.

They all leave.

TV)    And the weather forecast: Balmy and clear, a perfect Chicago night.

It starts to storm outside.

TV)    Except over one man's house.

Al gets electrocuted by lightning, screams and his shoe comes flying into the
room from 
outside. It lies on the couch, smoking.




THE END



EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: MICHAEL G. MOYE
DIRECTED BY: TONY SINGLETARY
 WRITTEN BY: RICHARD GURMAN
 CREATED BY: MICHAEL G. MOYE & RON LEAVITT
ASSOCIATE PRODUCER: MICHAEL GREENSPON
PRODUCED BY: JOHN MAXWELL ANDERSON

CASTING: VICKI ROSENBERG AND GREGORY ORSON
"LOVE AND MARRIAGE" LYRICS AND MUSIC BY SAMMY CAHN AND JIMMY VAN HEUSEN
MUSIC: JOHNATHON WOLFF
ART DIRECTOR: RICHARD IMPROTA
ASSISTANT ART DIRECTOR: JIM YARNER
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR: SAM W. ORENDER
SRTAGE MANAGERS: RICHARD DRANEY & STEPHANIE SCOTT    
EDITED BY LARRY HARRIS
PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE: KITTY ROUKE
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR: ROBERT A. BOWREN
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY: THOMAS W. MARKLE
AUDIO: J. MARK KING; LAURA OSBORN; SCOTT GLICKMAN & ALAN ZEMA
CAMERAS: MIKE CULP; BETTINA MYLENEK; VINCE SINGLETARY & DENNIS TURNER
RE-RECORDING: ROY PAHLMAN & JOHN BICKLEHAUPT
PRODUCTION STAFF: ROCHELLE STATEN; CARL STUDEBAKER; FRAN KAUFER; HELEN PAI; 
                  DON BECK; GARRY BOWREN; BERT L. COOK; CARSON SMITH
COSTUMES: MARTI M. SQUYRES
PROPERTY MASTER: MICHAEL SEMON
HAIR: DOTTIE McQUOWN
MAKE-UP: DAVID ABBOTT
DOG TRAINER: STEVEN RITT
COPYRIGHT (C) 1993
ELP COMMUNICATIONS PRODUCTION
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
COLUMBIA PICTURES TELEVISON
a SONY PICTURES ENTERTAINMENT company
ELP Communications is the author of this film/motion picture for the purposes of 
Article 15(2) of the Berne Convention and all national laws giving effect thereto.