Regular Cast

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy


Guest Cast

Vanna White..........Coco
Kevin Schon..........Phil
Jane Childerhose.....Customer



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

The darkened Bundy bedroom.
Peggy and Al's voices are heard.

PEGGY  Al, why isn't anything happening?

AL     It will, you just have to be patient.

PEGGY  I don't want to be disappointed again.

AL     Any minute now, trust me! I know how this works.

A moment later, the light in the room comes on.

PEGGY  Al, you did it! You DID pay the electric bill!

AL     Of course. Happy Anniversary, baby.

Al kisses Peg on the cheek.

PEGGY  Aww. Thank you, Al. It's the perfect present for the gal who already has 
       nothing. Now, is there something I can do for you?

AL     Yeah. Get in position, baby.

PEGGY  Oh, Al!

Peggy and Al slide under the covers ready to sleep. Peg turns off the light. 
Their butts are touching.

AL     I can still feel ya, Peg.

Peggy moves over towards her side more.

PEGGY  I love you, Al.

AL     Yeah, thanks.

Kelly and Bud enter in their nightclothes and turn on the light.

KELLY  Hey Mom, Dad?

PEGGY  Kids! Don't just burst in like that! What if we'd been doing something
       intimate?

Kelly and Bud look at each other and burst out laughing. Al and Peg then do the same.

KELLY  No, we have to turn on the television. [turns it on] That lady, Coco's on. 
       You know, the one with the beauty empire?

BUD    Yeah, she said she graduated from Polk High. She's supposed to be the most
       famous graduate Polk High ever had.

AL     The SECOND most famous graduate! I don't think this Coco broad scored four
       touchdowns in a single game! Or would've played pro ball if it wasn't for a
       bummed knee and an even bummer wife.

PEGGY  [looking at the TV] Oh, there she is!

On the TV, Coco is being interviewed by a talk show host.

HOST   I have to say, you look great. Would you stand up for us?

Coco stands up and twirls around.

HOST   So, you attained this perfection by dieting and using your own products?

COCO   I'm very lucky. I can eat anything I want and then get it all sucked out. But
       my beauty products are just as good as surgery and [she smiles at the camera]
       the money goes to me.

The audience applauds.

Al     Oh my god, I recognise her. Her name isn't Coco! It's Helen Granowitter! Peg,
       you remember her, she was a year behind us at high school.

PEGGY  I don't remember her. You really know her, Al?

AL     Well, I don't wanna say anything in front of the kids, but she uh... she
       co-piloted the Star Ship Bundy a couple of seasons! [to Bud and Kelly] What do
       you think of your old dad now?

Bud and Kelly burst out laughing again.

AL     What!?

BUD    Oh come on, Dad. You've never had a beautiful woman in your whole life.
 
Peggy turns away, offended.

BUD    Seriously, Mom. Could you picture Dad with even a mildly attractive woman??

Peggy tries to ignore him.

KELLY  I mean, Mom, look at him. What kind of woman do you think he possibly could
       get? [Peggy leans towards her and Kelly's smile fades] You didn't let me
       finish. I was gonna say, "he's got you... so why would he want a beautiful 
       woman?"

PEGGY  Get out.

KELLY  What I do? I was just insulting Daddy.

BUD    They hear what they wanna hear.


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

The Shoe store.
Someone's voice shouts outside

VOICE  Hey, somebody stop that guy! He stole my lunch!
 
Al runs into the store, carrying the stolen lunch and a drink. He hides behind the
counter. A man and two cops run past. Al eats the sandwich. 
Coco enters the store.
Al spills the soda in his lap. he then looks at the floor to find Coco's feet. 
He slowly looks up at her.

COCO   Hi, Beautiful.

Al giggles. He stands up, but now he has a big stain on his crotch.

AL     Hi, baby! [notices the stain] Oh, it's... just soda, it'll dry soon and leave
       a little stain. But let's cut the charade, we both now why you're here... Why
       are you here?

COCO   I've traveled the world trying to find a man who can satisfy me the way you
       did.

She walks up to him suggestively. Al suddenly starts twitching, trying to shake something 
out of his pants.

AL     Wait a sec, wait a sec, something's out of line in here... [An ice cube falls
       out of his pant leg] Oh, it's just an ice cube, I thought I was passing a
       stone!
 
COCO   God, you're a pig! I love it. I want you, Al. Travel the world with me. Make
       love to me the way that only YOU did.

Coco puts her arms around Al's neck.
A customer enters the store.

CUST   Excuse me...

AL     GET OUT!! 

The woman turns around and leaves.

AL     [to Coco] So you were saying?

COCO   I want you.

AL     Well, I wish I could say I was shocked. And dry...

Al grabs a small portable fan off the counter and starts fanning his wet pants with it.

AL     Ugh... Look, I, uh... I know I look much the same as I did when I was a
       strapping, sexy high school football star, so it doesn't surprise me when you
       say you want me. [Puts the fan down] But... look closely in the dead that are
       my eyes. You'll see I'm married.

COCO   I'm sorry to hear it.

AL     I'm sorry to say it. But uh, would you come home and meet my family? You know,
       tell them you know me? You know, the sex stuff. I like to impress the kids,
       you know.

COCO   Sure.

AL     Good! Now, I want you to come home for dinner. We're having pizza... you bring
       it.


ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

Al, Peg, Kelly and Bud are sitting on the couch.

PEGGY  So, you are telling us that Coco, world famous millionaire, is madly in love
       with you and bring us a pizza??

AL     Not as hard to believe as that I could have had a beautiful millionaire and
       instead ended up with you! Lucky, huh?

The doorbell rings, and Al answers it. 
Coco is standing outside with a pizza.

AL     [pointedly to the others] Hello, Coco!

Peggy, Bud and Kelly stare at Coco in awe and disbelief.
Al takes the pizza and starts eating it.

AL     [to the pizza] Ohh, I'm so happy to see you! Mmmmm, mmmmm. Coco, meet the
       family. Mmmm.

Coco walks over to the other Bundys and extends a hand, but the three of them start
milling around her, sniffing her and studying every inch of her body, her clothing,
etc.

PEGGY  Ooooohhh.

BUD    Ooooohhh.

KELLY  Ooooohhh.

AL     [Sitting on the couch, still eating the pizza] Aaaaahhhh.

Bud clasps his hands around one of Coco's legs.

BUD    Hey, you guys have to touch these stockings. I think they're really made out of 
       silk!

Peggy and Kelly join Bud in examining Coco's legs.

COCO   I'm not wearing stockings.

The three Bundys look up at her.

PEGGY  Wooowww.
KELLY  Wooowww.
BUD    Wooowww.

PEGGY  Uh, come with us into our formal dining room.

Peggy, Kelly and Bud lead Coco to the kitchen table. Al speaks as they pass him.

AL     Hey, I told you extra cheese. I've never met a woman yet who can order a pizza
       right. Extra cheese. How tough is it!?

At the table:

COCO   You have a lovely home.

PEGGY  Yeah, right.

AL     Enough meaningless girl small talk.

Al coolly makes his way over to the table. He has a piece of cheese hanging from his
chin.

AL     Tell her about the legend of Al Bundy. Tell 'em about OCD. One Cool Dude.

PEGGY  Al, you have a disgusting piece of cheese on your chin!

Al fumbles for the cheese, but Coco beats him to it; removing the cheese from his
chin and eating it.

COCO   Everything tastes better from Al's mouth.

KELLY  Catch me, Bud, I think I'm gonna faint.

BUD    Okay, Kel.

Kelly faints, Bud holds his arms out. Kelly falls on the floor, due to Bud
intentionally not catching her. Bud laughs.

PEGGY  Kids, please. Not in front of rich, world famous company. [Kelly stands up
       again] Uh, Coco - and I think I can call you by your first name, since you
       just ate off my husband's chin - tell me, why are you here?

COCO   Because no one has ever satisfied me like your husband.

KELLY  Catch me, Bud, I think I'm gonna faint.

BUD    Okay, Kel.

Again, Kelly falls without Bud catching her. Bud again laughs.

COCO   I'll put this as plainly as I can. I've still got the hots for the big lug,
       and I want to buy him from you.

Peggy and Bud look at each other, then fall over backwards, fainting.
Coco strokes Al's chin.



ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Al, Kelly and Bud are gathered by the counter.
Peggy leads Coco to the couch and they sit.

PEGGY  So, let me get this straight. You want to BUY him?

COCO   He's all that's missing in my life.

PEGGY  Well, he's missing in everybody's life, but... nobody wants to buy him.

AL     Wait a second, I think we're missing what's important here. You people are
       treating me like a piece of meat and I must say that I like it! Oh, I'm sorry,
       girls, I think I dropped a nickel...

Al bends over suggestively, his butt facing Coco. 
Marcy and Jefferson enter.

MARCY  [Looking at Al's rear end] Oh my God! I thought the moon was made of green
       cheese and it is!

Marcy giggles.
Al quickly straightens and sits on the couch.

AL     Jealous little ironing board.

JEFF   Hey, you're Coco, aren't you?? I buy all your products! [He sits next to her]
       You've been on parts of my body even she [gestures to Marcy] hasn't touched.

MARCY  It's an honor to meet you. I write you checks for a thousand dollars every
       month. I owe my man's softness to you.

PEGGY  My man's softness comes naturally. [she pats Al's knee]
     
JEFF   I'm glad you're here. I'm being driven to the brink of madness by my dry thighs. 
       I cream and I cream and I cream! But still my pants wanna stick to my thighs.

COCO   Perhaps you should let the cream dry before putting on your pants.

Jefferson looks as though he's discovered the meaning of life.

JEFF   I feel just like I did when I was a little boy and my father said, "shake it,
       son, and the women will pay."

MARCY  You know, we have 8mm film of his father fan dancing for J. Edgar Hoover.

AL     Hey, she didn't come here to talk shop! She came here to purchase me as a sex toy.

MARCY  Oh, this is impossible. Someone wants you for sex? What do you have, a pet
       orangutang who's lonely? And not picky?

AL     Oh, I'm sorry, you two weren't properly introduced, I don't think. This is
       Marcy, our next door neighbor. As you can see, she's probably used some of
       your vanishing cream on her breasts. See, not a trace!

Marcy gives Al a stern look.

MARCY  Jefferson, pretend you're a man. What are you gonna do about this??

JEFF   Well, I'm gonna do what every real man ought to do for his woman. I'm gonna
       let the cream dry before I put on my pants.

Jefferson and Marcy start to leave.

MARCY  Oh yeah, I tell you the same thing, but when a celebrity tells you, you run,
       don't walk, to cream. Suck up.

JEFF   Bitch.

MARCY  Take me.

Marcy jumps onto Jefferson, wrapping her legs around him. They kiss madly and make
their way out the door, Marcy's legs shaking all the while.
Al sits on the couch next to Coco.

AL     You know, it could be worse. Our neighbors could've been Seigfried and Roy.

COCO   [To Peggy] Let me cut to the chase. I want to buy your husband. I'll pay you
       five hundred thousand dollars.

Peggy and Al faint, falling to each side of the couch.


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

Al, Peggy, Kelly and Bud are still in the living room, but now Coco has left. 
Peggy is examining Al, pressing on his chest and stomach.

PEGGY  Five hundred thousand dollars for this? I don't get it! But then I haven't
       been getting it for 20 years, so what's the difference? [She sits on the
       couch] We can't sell Daddy.

KELLY  Uh, Mom? When you say "we", I hope you mean "oui" as in French for, "Hell yes,
       we'll sell Daddy and collaborate with the Germans"? Ergo, which is French for,
       "Yes, take our country, but please let us live to make our creamy sauces," I
       say we take the five hundred thousand and bid Daddy adieu. Which is French for
       "a deer, a female deer." So, in closing, I'd like to say one simple thing.
       [acting out her cheer] S-E-L-L! Sellllll Daddyyy! Yayyy.

She takes a bow and walks off.
Bud approaches Al.

BUD    Dad, take a long hard look at yourself, pal. You tell me what other possibility 
       there is out there for a man made of fudge. [Bud slaps Al twice across the face] 
       Snap out of it, man! Sell your worthless damn body and soul. It's better than 
       selling shoes. At least we'll finally be able to tell people what you do. You'll
       be Al Bundy, male hooker.


ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

The Bundy's bedroom.
Al is lying on the bed in his pajamas. Peggy is packing a suitcase.

PEGGY  Now, Al, promise me you won't do anything with Coco.

AL     Hey, she paid five hundred grand. She wants the boodle, baby.

PEGGY  Well, promise me when you're in bed with her you won't enjoy it. Because I
       think I can assure you that she won't. Now, honey, this is a wonderful thing
       you're doing for your family, and I want you to know we're all very proud of
       you.

BUD    [O.S.] Mom! The limo's here!

PEGGY  Ooh, Al. That's our limo! To take us to our new lakeshore condo. Well, honey,
       don't be a stranger, you know where we live. Well, actually, you don't. Oh well.

Peggy takes her suitcase and heads out the door, but stops.

PEGGY  Gee, uh... I'll miss ya, Al.

AL     I'll miss you too, Peg.

Peggy pokes Al's stomach.

PEGGY  Pooh.

Al pokes Peg's finger.

AL     Pooh.

They flap their hands at each other.

PEGGY  Well, goodbye.

Peggy leaves the room.
Al gets up and looks at himself in the mirror.

AL     Oh, why oh why was I cursed with these good looks? [He lifts up his shirt and
       taps his stomach] This rock-hard body, [grabs his butt] this "hold me" hiney,
       this... face that's a homing signal for hooters. You are one fine five hundred
       thousand dollar piece of beef.

Coco enters. She is wearing a dressing gown.

COCO   Hi.

She takes off the gown, revealing herself to be wearing a pale pink negligee.

COCO   I've waited a long time, Al.

She lies down on Al's side of the bed. Al walks over to her.

AL     You're... you're on my side of the bed.

COCO   What's the difference?

AL     I don't know... What if I roll out in the middle of the night, get confused
       and go to the bathroom in the hall?

COCO   Okay, I'll move over. [She moves over] Here. Is this better?

Al mumbles and lies next to her. He tries to get comfy.

AL     Got my pillow all warm, I don't like that!

Al turns his pillow over and settles back.

COCO   Fine. Let's get down to business.

Coco leans over to kiss Al, but he stops her.

AL     Uh, you know, maybe you could get a glass of water?

COCO   Water?

AL     Yeah.

COCO   Okay, in a glass or on the front of your pants?

AL     Uh, we don't use glasses, but paper cup'd be nice.

Peggy enters, clearing her throat.

PEGGY  Uh, it's just me. Hope I'm not interrupting anything, I just forgot a few things.

Peggy makes her way to the bathroom, and turns to look at Al sadly. Al looks back at her. 
Peggy gets a few things from the bathroom and comes back out with a cup of water for Al.

PEGGY  He gets thirsty.

She gives Al the water and he takes a sip. Peggy walks over to Al's side of the bed.
Al leans forward and Peggy turns over his pillow. 

PEGGY  He likes his pillow cool. [Al settles back] Well... bye. [She turns to leave,
       but stops to get her own pillow from behind Coco's head] Oh, and I, I don't
       believe that you bought MY pillow!

She takes the pillow and leaves. Al puts the water down.

COCO   Well, Stud. Giddy up!

Coco turns the light off and gets ready. 
Peggy suddenly comes back in and turns the light back on.

PEGGY  Alright. Get up! Get up!! That's MY bed and MY husband. Here's your check and
       get out!
 
Peggy hands Coco a piece of paper. Coco looks at it.

COCO   This isn't my check, it's just a piece of paper.

PEGGY  Gee, huh. It's amazing how a page out of TV Guide can look like a check. Well,
       here. [She gives Coco her real check] Go buy yourself your own ring-around-
       the-collar worker. This big lug is mine.

Coco starts her way out.

COCO   It's times like this I'm glad there's a Ben 'n' Jerry's.

PEGGY  You're gonna buy icecream?

COCO   No, I'm gonna go buy Ben and Jerry.

Coco leaves. 
Peggy sits next to Al on the bed.

PEGGY  Gee, Al, I hope you're not mad at me. I just couldn't stand the thought of you
       with someone else. Even if it meant we were gonna get rich.

AL     I guess I couldn't be with anybody else either, Peg, even though she had more
       to offer than you in every possible way. 

PEGGY  Well, I guess we're just meant to be together, huh?

AL     Yeah, I guess.

They look at each other.

PEGGY  You know what I wanna do right now?

AL     Yes, I do and it's exactly what I want to do.

They giggle. 
Al and Peg both turn over and settle into bed. Their butts are touching. Peggy turns
off the light.

AL     Can still feel ya, Peg.

PEGGY  Oh.

Peggy moves over towards her side more.

PEGGY  I love you, Al.

AL     Yeah, thanks.



THE END




 EXECUTIVE PRODUCER   RON LEAVITT

 DIRECTED BY   GERRY COHEN
  WRITTEN BY   ARTHUR SILVER
  CREATED BY   MICHAEL G. MOYE AND RON LEAVITT
 PRODUCED BY   JOHN MAXWELL ANDERSON

 CO-PRODUCER   STACIE LIPP
 CREATIVE CONSULTANT   RICHARD GURMAN
 CREATIVE CONSULTANT   MICHAEL G. MOYE
 SUPERVISING PRODUCER   KEVIN CURRAN
 CO-EXECUTIVE PRODUCER   ARTHUR SILVER
 CO-EXECUTIVE PRODUCER   ELLEN L. FOGLE
 CO-EXECUTIVE PRODUCER   KATHERINE GREEN

 EXECUTIVE STORY EDITOR   LARRY JACOBSON
 CASTING BY   TAMMARA BILLIK, C.S.A AND STEVEN CRAIG
 "LOVE AND MARRIAGE" LYRICS BY SAMMY CAHN AND JIMMY VAN HEUSEN
 MUSIC SUPERVISOR/COMPOSER   MICHAEL ANDREAS
 ART DIRECTOR   RICHARD IMPROTA
 ASSISTANT ART DIRECTOR   JIM YARMER
 ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR   SAM W. ORENDER
 STAGE MANAGERS   RICHARD DRANEY, STEPHANIE SCOTT
 EDITED BY   LARRY HARRIS
 PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE   KITTY ROUKE
 PRODUCTION CO-ORDINATOR   CARL STUDEBAKER
 TECHNICAL DIRECTOR   ROBERT A. BOWEN
 DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY   THOMAS W. MARKLE
 AUDIO   MARK J. KING
 CAMERAS   MARK CULP, MARK LACAMERA, BETTINA MYLENEK, DENNIS TURNER
 RE-RECORDING   ROY PAHLMAN, JOHN BICKLEHAUPT
 PRODUCTION STAFF   GABRIELLE TOPPING, FRAN KAUFER, HELEN PAI, MARY E. STEWART,
            ROCHELLE E. STATEN, DON BECK, GRRY BOWREN, BERT L. COOK, CARSON SMITH
 COSTUMES   MARTI M. SQUYRES
 PROPERTY MASTER   MICHAEL SEMON
 MAKE-UP   PATTY BUNCH
 HAIR STYLIST   DOTTIE MCQUOWN
 DOG TRAINER   STEVEN RITT
 COPYRIGHT 1993  ELP COMMUNICATIONS
 All Rights Reserved
 COLUMBIA PICTURES TELEVISION
 a SONY PICTURES ENTERTAINMENT company
 ELP Communications is the author of the film/motion picture for purposes of Article
 15(2) of the Berne Convention and all national laws giving effect thereto.