Regular Cast

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy


No Guest Cast.



ACT ONE 

SCENE ONE

Al and Peg are in bed. Peggy is reading a magazine and Al is lying next to her,
praying.


AL      [thinking] Oh Lord. If I ever meant anything to ya... Please let me fall
        asleep before she thinks of sex.

Peggy stops reading and looks over at Al hopefully.

PEGGY  Aaallll...

AL     [Looking up at God] You are a woman, aren't ya!?
       [Rolls over to face Peg] Oh Peg, we just did it last month. A man can't
       just roll over and do it again, we have to rest in between.

PEGGY  Al, you can't wear that cool V-neck t-shirt and those stained pajama
       bottoms and expect me not to want you!

Al giggles.

AL     Ah, they do show off the merchandise, don't they! [Peggy nods and they
       both giggle] Let's prepare ourselves.

PEGGY  OK.
 
Al and Peg both sit up and drop two tablets (alka seltzer?) into a glass of water
and then take a sip. They get back under the covers, look at each other and nod
once. Al brings his arm over Peg as she turns off the light.
A few seconds later...

PEGGY  Oh Al! You're... done.

The Bundy house exterior is seen.
Al is heard snoring.

PEGGY  [V.O.] Thanks again, honey.


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

Peggy is sitting on the couch reading a magzine.
Al enters through the front door proudly and hitches up his pants.

AL     How ya feeling, Peg? I'm surprised you could make it down those stairs
       this morning.

PEGGY  I know. I was pretty tired. I hope that buzzing didn't keep you awake last
       night.

AL     Yeah, those damn bees! [Sits next to Peg] You know, and one must've stung
       ya too, because I heard you scream.

PEGGY  You wanna do it again tonight?

AL     Well, Peg, I think that if we do it again too soon it'll cheapen the
       experience. Bask in the afterglow, baby!

Peggy puts down her magazine, but does not look happy.

AL     Now, Peg, you're not glowing. You don't have that "I've been satisfied by
       Al Bundy" look on your face. Gee, maybe you should go to your girlie
       doctor. You know, they say you should get checked out every 50 years or
       so. You know, put you up on the old rack; check your belts and hoses.

PEGGY  Honey, there is nothing wrong with my belts and hoses. I just need to be
       taken out and driven once in a while.

AL     Well, that can't be a shot at me. [proudly] I'm Al The Mailman Bundy; I
       deliver.

PEGGY  Yes, Al, but, mailmen are slooww, and they deliver every dayyy.

AL     Yeah, but they don't always have to go to the same hoouuusse. 
       But seriously, Peg - you weren't satisfied?

PEGGY  Well, let's put it this way: I used to call you The Minute Man. Now I long
       for those days. But you know, Marcy was very comforting. She said with
       you, "the sooner it's over, the better."

AL     You told her!?

Jefferson and Marcy enter.

JEFRSN Al! You, uh, you want to through around the football? [pauses for one
       second] There, are we done?

He and Marcy laugh hysterically.

AL     [to Peg] I think she might've told him!

MARCY  Al, really, you shouldn't feel badly. The reason you're so inept in the
       bedroom is because you've chosen to put all of your energy into your
       magnificent shoe career!

JEFRSN Uh, it's time someone spoke for Al.

Nobody says anything.

JEFRSN Guess I was wrong.

Al looks depressed.

MARCY  Aww, Al's down. I guess my work is done. Well, let's leave these two
       lovebirds alone, they may want to have sex for a second.

Marcy and Jefferson put their hands over their eyes and remove them a second later 
and look at Al and Peg.

MARCY  Whoops, they're done!!

They laugh again and exit.
Al smiles pointedly at Peg.

PEGGY  Oh, relax, Al. I'm sure she didn't tell anyone else.


FLIP TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

The Bundys' porch.
Al picks up a newspaper off the step. A neighbor calls out to Al.

NEIGH  Hey Bundy! Do me a favor - have sex with your wife 50 times. We're
       cookin' an egg! Heheheh.

AL     Hey Donnelly, why don't you use the time it takes your son to get out 
       of his dress?

Al enters the house and sits on the couch next to Buck.

AL     Hiya, boy, how ya doing?

BUCK   Well, let's just say that you won't hear my bitch complaining to her
       friends.

AL     Good boy.

Buck runs upstairs.
Kelly comes downstairs and sits on the couch next to Al.

KELLY  Daddy, do you remember my boyfriend T-Bone?

AL     No, but he sounds delicious.

KELLY  Oh, I'll tell him you said so. Anyway, we were all down at the Harley
       shop. And he and his friends got into a discussion about whether there
       should a limit to presidential campaign contributions. Which of course
       led to a knife fight. And Daddy, you should be proud to know that nowadays
       when kids fight, they say "I'm gonna waste you quicker than Al Bundy." 
       [Al doesn't look pleased] Well, anyway, what really bothered me is that I
       didn't know anything about this politics stuff. Daddy, they called me
       "stupid". Am I stupid, Daddy?

AL     Pumpkin. Now, you see that tree out there? [points at tree outside the
       back door] Now, that tree grows and breathes - just like you. So Pumpkin,
       you're just as smart as that tree.

KELLY  Oh, you have to say that because you're my father.

AL     Hey, anybody on the street would say that.

Kelly looks bashfully happy as she accepts Al's compliment. Al rolls his eyes.

AL     But now, Pumpkin, if you want to impress that psychopath that you're
       dating... here's what you should do: Learn one thing really well. Just
       pick some topic that comes up often among your friends in conversation.

KELLY  So, politics or condoms?

AL     Politics would be good. You can start by learning about all the
       Presidents. 

KELLY  There's more than one?

AL     Indeed. So, learn all about the Presidents, and you'll fool your friends
       into thinking you know other things too! And you'll never have to impress
       anybody again.

KELLY  Thanks, Daddy. I'm going to learn about the Presidents quicker than Al
       Bundy!

A happy Kelly leaves.
Peggy enters the house with a bag of groceries.

PEGGY  Hi, honey! You're going to be so proud. At the supermarket, I heard, that
       they have changed the '10 items or less' express line to the 'Al Bundy'
       line!

Al does not look happy.

PEGGY  Aww, honey, you look down. Well, I got you a little present. [She takes
       two items out of the bag] Aurora White [shows the toilet paper to Al] 
       ... and a nice burrito! Come on, Al, break 'em both open!

AL     No! My self esteem, my sexuality, my whole manhood's been taken from me. 
       I never want to go to the bathroom again.

PEGGY  Well, maybe we can finally get that curl out of the wallpaper. And the
       birds will come back again!

Al looks even less pleased.

PEGGY  Aw, honey, this is really bothering you. Well, I'm going to fix it right
       now.

She trots over to the phone and dials.

PEGGY  Hello Marcy? Al and I just had a major sex-a-rama... Yeah, Al Bundy. He was
       magnificent... YES, Al Bundy! Well, Marcy, I don't have the energy to speak
       any longer, but let's not tell anybody about this. Well, except for the
       girls at the beauty parlor, because we KNOW we can trust them... Uh-oh!  
       Al's got that look in his eye again! [Al looks at Peg innocently] Oh no, 
       Al! Please, have mercy! Aye! Aye!

She hangs up the phone.

PEGGY  Well, now you're a legend, baby. Feel better?

AL     No! We know it's not true.

PEGGY  Come on, honey, have a burrito.

AL     [sulking] Nnnno.

PEGGY  Aw, come on, Al, it's off a truck.

Al slowly takes the burrito from Peg.

AL     Well, m-maybe just one bite. [He takes a bite. Peg offers him the toilet
       paper] Mmm, maybe just one roll. [Peggy opens the packet and gives Al a
       roll of TP. Al continues eating.] Still hurtin', though.
 
PEGGY  Uhhh, you wanna share some of that with me?

Al thinks about this, then puts the burrito in his mouth, tears off a sheet of
toilet paper and gives it to Peg. Peg pats him on the shoulder.



ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Peggy and Kelly are sitting at the kitchen table. Peggy is teaching Kelly.

PEGGY  Alright, honey. We are gonna learn all about the Presidents. As a visual
       aid, we are going to use xeroxed copies of Daddy's money. [shows Kelly a 
       one dollar bill] I have the originals. With pictures of our greatest dead 
       Presidents on them. Now, this is George Washington, the father of our
       country.

KELLY  I thought that was James Brown.

PEGGY  No, he's the godfather of soul.

KELLY  I thought that was Don Corleone??

PEGGY  I think we've had enough for one day.

KELLY  Well, I still thirst for knowledge. I know, I'm gonna go to the place that
       got me through high school -- the pricipal's house! 

She leaves the table.

PEGGY  His door always was open for troubled girls.

Al enters. Kelly stops before him on her way out.

KELLY  Hey Daddy, ask me who's on the one dollar bill.

AL     Who's on the one dollar bill?

KELLY  [proudly] George Jefferson.

She exits.
Al scratches his head in thought.

AL     So, it was George Washington who was married to Weezie?

PEGGY  Al, I was at the beauty parlor today, and your name is on everyone's lips!
       Well that, and bonbon crumbs. Everyone thinks you're a stud.

AL     But YOU don't.

PEGGY  Sure I do.

AL     You do?

PEGGY  OK, you're relentless interrogation has broken me. I don't. But either way,
       it doesn't matter. Because you're mine and I love you. Honey, I'm going to
       go upstairs now and take a shower... my new nozzel, Jeffery, just came in.

She exits upstairs. Al sits down and finds the xeroxed money on the table. 
Thinking they're real, he folds them over and puts them in his pocket.

AL     [to himself] What happened to me? I used to be good! Everybody said I was
       good. And girls don't lie. Only women lie. Maybe I should call some of my 
       old girlfriends? But how desperate would I have to be to have my ego
       boosted with girls I slept with and never called again??


FLIP TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

Al is on the phone in the middle of a conversation. He is holding a little black
book.

AL     Come on, Lois, so it's been twenty years since I promised to call you, I'm
       calling you now! Now listen, this is a toll call, so let me get right to
       the point. You remember that night in the backseat of my old Dodge? How was
       I? ... I knew it!! ... What kind of car am I driving now? I gotta go, bye.

The scene flips again, and Al is making another phone call.

AL     Yeah, can I speak to Marilyn Fisher? ... Oh, she's Mrs O'Brien now. Uh-huh.
       You're the husband? I... I see. Well, could you do me a favor? ... My
       name's Al Bundy. Uh, could you ask her if she meant it when she said she'd
       had them all and I was the best? ... Oh, she's breast feeding?
       Hey-hey-hey-hey, that brings back memories...

The scene flips again and Al is again in the middle of another conversation.

AL     [happily] So I was great! The best! [giggles]... Ah, come now, you're
       making me blush. ... Well, thank you, Sister Mary Ignatius.
 
He hangs up the phone.

AL     I knew I was good! And if I can be good once, I can be good again. I'll
       just get back in shape and show Peg I've still got it.

PEGGY  [from upstairs] Al, I'm gonna take a nap.

AL     Yeah, rest up, baby. And this time I may even kiss ya.


ACT TWO 

SCENE THREE

The basement.
Al and Bud walk down the stairs to Al's gym equipment.

AL     Well, Son, this is where it all happens - The Bundy Gymnasium. And until
       recently, the place I came to cry. But not today. Today, we train! [He sits
       on the benchpress] Do a little benchpress. Do about 30 reps. Count 'em for
       me, son. 

Bud stands behind the weight. Al, puffing, uses great effort to get the weight off
the bar and down onto his chest and up again.

BUD    One...

Al, puffing and panting, stops still.

AL     Take the weight, son. [Bud takes it from underneath] You got it?

BUD    [Strained] Yeah...

Al trusts him and lets go, only have the weight fall on his chest. He cries out in
pain. Bud runs to the bottom of the stairs and calls out.

BUD    Mommy!

AL     Get it off me! Take it off me!

BUD    OK, I'm gonna roll it, Dad. I'm gonna roll it!

Bud begins to roll the weight off Al, in the direction of his throat. 
Al notices this and warns Bud.

AL     Not that way!!!

Bud starts rolling the weight the other way, over Al's crotch. Al is heard
screaming until the weight lands on the floor.
Al sits up wearily, with a high-pitched grunt.

AL     How many was that?

BUD    One, Dad.

AL     Alright, that's enough weight-lifting, don't want to get too bulked up.
       Supple strength is what I need. We'll go hit the heavy bag. [They walk over
       to the punching bag] You know I used to box in The Golden Gloves?

BUD    Really, Dad?

AL     Son, don't you think that if I actually had you would've heard about it a
       hundred THOUSAND times by now!?

Al begins punching the bag, somewhat successfully. He glances over at Bud and
chuckles. He continues to punch, only to get weaker with each hit and then
ultimately collapses onto the bag, exhausted.

BUD    You gonna be OK, Dad?

AL     [very high pitched] Maybeee!

BUD    Well, I hope so, because it's a long way to get a neighbor to give you
       mouth to mouth.

AL     You know, Son, this has taught me a valuable lesson. I'm plenty strong
       enough, but it's endurance that I need. COME, BOY! I'm gonna run. But I
       need motivation. Show me the picture of Grandma in her string bikini
       please?

Bud whips out a pictures and shows it to Al. Al reacts by screaming and running
upstairs; Bud following him.


ACT TWO

SCENE FOUR

Bud jogs into the Bundy house, stops, and calls out to Al in the street.

BUD    Come on, Dad, come on! Just two more steps.

Al enters, being helped by Marcy and Jefferson. He is doubled over, clutching his
chest. They place him on the couch.

BUD    Thanks for helping, Mr. and Mrs. D'Arcy.

MARCY  Well, we wouldn't have helped but he passed out on our lawn. And I would've
       left him there for compost, but the flies started gathering.

Al leans back, and removes his arms from his body. There is a dead, flat squirrel
stuck to his front. Marcy reacts.

MARCY  It's our little squirrel friend, Zippy!

Marcy peels the squirrel off Al's chest like velcro.

JEFRSN Well, it doesn't look like Zippy!

MARCY  Well, you have to imagine him with blood, bones and internal organs. [to
       Al] Squirrel killer! [to Zippy] Get him, Zippy!

Marcy starts attacking Al with the dead squirrel. Jefferson stops her.

JEFRSN Marcy! Marcy! Come on, come on, let's go, honey. I'll give Zippy a nice
       burial.

Marcy leaves, then Jefferson turns around and kicks Zippy back inside the Bundy
house. Bud sits next to Al.

BUD    Cheer up, Dad. So you killed a squirrel. If it wasn't you, it would've been
       some cook at a Chinese restaurant.

Kelly enters.

KELLY  Oh, Daddy, I'm glad you're alone. Listen, I have great news.

BUD    You found your underwear in the park?

KELLY  No, but if I'm ever looking for it, I know you're wearing it!

Al looks at Bud, who shakes his head "No". Kelly sits next to Al.

KELLY  Anyway, Daddy, your advice worked out. We were all down at the biker bar
       and everybody started talking about what happens when no presidential
       candidate has a clear majority of electoral votes. And I said, that the
       last time this happened was in 1824. The House decided the election and
       John Quincy Adams won. Daddy, I wowed them. Now everybody thinks I'm a
       genie! Oh, thank you, Daddy. Now I know I can overcome any obstacle. I
       love you.

She kisses Al on the cheek and exits upstairs.
Al thinks about Kelly's experience and stands up.

BUD   Where are you going, Dad?

AL    To the basement.

BUD   Gonna cry, Dad?

AL    Yeah, I am! But then I'm gonna train. Because if my little girl can train
      herself to hold a thought... then I can train myself to hold my wife!

Al walks to the basement.


ACT TWO

SCENE FIVE

The basement.
"Tuff Enuff" is heard throughout this sequence.
Al is seen working out - first with dumbells, then weight-lifting, then boxing,
then skipping rope; never tiring. He then does three backflips, flexes his muscles
and saunters coolly upstairs.


ACT TWO

SCENE SIX

Close-up of 'Modern Wife' magazine Peggy is reading, which says "How to Build Up
Your Man Through Lying" and "How To Tear Him Down Again".
Al comes out of the basement, walks coolly over to Peg, grabs the magazine out of
her hands and rips the whole thing in half without much effort. Peggy smiles.

AL     Let's see what you've got, punk.

Al takes Peg's hand. She stands up, then Al puts Peg over his shoulder and carries
her upstairs.


ACT TWO

SCENE SEVEN

The Bundy house exterior.
Night time.

PEGGY  [V.O] Oh, Al!

Daytime.

PEGGY  [V.O.] Oh, Alll!!

Night time again.

PEGGY  [V.O.] Ohhh, AAAALLLL!!!

Inside the Bundy bedroom, a smiling Al and Peggy are sitting up in bed. Peggy's
hair is now sticking straight up from her head. Al has his hand in his pants and
is holding a cigar.

AL     And to all a good night!



THE END



 EXECUTIVE PRODUCER   RON LEAVITT

 DIRECTED BY   GERRY COHEN
  WRITTEN BY   STACIE LIPP
  CREATED BY   MICHAEL G. MOYE AND RON LEAVITT
 PRODUCED BY   JOHN MAXWELL ANDERSON

 CO-PRODUCER   STACIE LIPP
 CREATIVE CONSULTANT   RICHARD GURMAN
 CREATIVE CONSULTANT   MICHAEL G. MOYE
 SUPERVISING PRODUCER   KEVIN CURRAN
 CO-EXECUTIVE PRODUCER   ARTHUR SILVER
 CO-EXECUTIVE PRODUCER   ELLEN L. FOGLE
 CO-EXECUTIVE PRODUCER   KATHERINE GREEN

 EXECUTIVE STORY EDITOR   LARRY JACOBSON
 CASTING BY   TAMMARA BILLIK, C.S.A AND STEVEN CRAIG
 "LOVE AND MARRIAGE" LYRICS BY SAMMY CAHN AND JIMMY VAN HEUSEN
 MUSIC SUPERVISOR/COMPOSER   MICHAEL ANDREAS
 ART DIRECTOR   RICHARD IMPROTA
 ASSISTANT ART DIRECTOR   JIM YARMER
 ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR   SAM W. ORENDER
 STAGE MANAGERS   RICHARD DRANEY, STEPHANIE SCOTT
 EDITED BY   LARRY HARRIS
 PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE   KITTY ROUKE
 PRODUCTION CO-ORDINATOR   CARL STUDEBAKER
 TECHNICAL DIRECTOR   ROBERT A. BOWEN
 DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY   THOMAS W. MARKLE
 AUDIO   MARK J. KING
 CAMERAS   MARK CULP, MARK LACAMERA, BETTINA MYLENEK, DENNIS TURNER
 RE-RECORDING   ROY PAHLMAN, JOHN BICKLEHAUPT
 PRODUCTION STAFF   GABRIELLE TOPPING, FRAN KAUFER, HELEN PAI, MARY E. STEWART,
          ROCHELLE E. STATEN, DON BECK, GRRY BOWREN, BERT L. COOK, CARSON SMITH
 COSTUMES   MARTI M. SQUYRES
 PROPERTY MASTER   MICHAEL SEMON
 MAKE-UP   KAREN FAYE
 HAIR STYLIST   DOTTIE MCQUOWN
 DOG TRAINER   STEVEN RITT
 COPYRIGHT 1993  ELP COMMUNICATIONS
 All Rights Reserved
 COLUMBIA PICTURES TELEVISION
 a SONY PICTURES ENTERTAINMENT company
 
 ELP Communications is the author of the film/motion picture for purposes of Article
 15(2) of the Berne Convention and all national laws giving effect thereto.