Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy
Buck the Dog............Buck

Guest Cast:

David Boreanaz..........Frank
Craig Benton............Usher
Kimberly Brooks.........Salesgirl
Nick Oleson.............Lon
Elena Statheros.........Liz
Phil Dominguez..........Lex
Anahtt Minasyan.........Lil
Robin Francis Robin.....Man


ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

 Peg is sitting on the couch, reading a magazine. Al comes in with his head
 hunched between his shoulders.

PEG    Hi, honey. How was work?

AL     I didn't quite make it to work this morning, Peg. You may not have
       noticed, since you were too busy sleeping. The city towed my car away
       again this morning. They keep thinking it's an abandoned car. Why, Peg?

PEG    It's a Dodge, Al. Any time you see a Dodge, you think it's abandoned.
       By the way, where's your neck?

AL     Well, that's an amusing little side story, Peg. 

 Al sits on the couch next to Peg.

AL     You see, when I got to the impound lot I saw my car was in line for the 
       wrecking ball. So I ran over and jumped in, trying to stop it. But I was
       too late. But I did get a free sunroof. Both for my car and my head. 
       Straighten me out, for God's sake, Peg.

PEG    Oh, honey.

 Peg pulls Al's head towards her and it straightens with a crack.

AL     Thanks, Peg. You got any aspirin?

 Peg picks up a bottle of pills from the cushion beside her and pours its 
 contents onto her palm. She holds up her palm for Al to see.

PEG    Oh, just two.

 Peg swallows the two pills she's holding.

PEG    You know, your stories always give me such a headache.
 
 Bud comes running down the stairs.

BUD    Hey, Dad, can I borrow your car? I gotta go through a rough part of town.
       I found if I turn my hat backwards and drive your car, even the gangs
       cut me a wide path.

AL     Dodge says something very special about you!

PEG    Yeah. It says: "Damn right, I failed."

 We hear a motorcycle's tires screeching outside, and then a thump. The 
 viewpoint shifts to the Bundys' vernada, where Marcy is pinned to the door by
 a motorcycle driven by Kelly's boyfriend Frank.

KELLY  Are you okay, Mrs. D'Arcy?

MARCY  Well, I was, till I was swept up by this huge machine which now knows me
       as few men have. Do you mind backing it up?

FRANK  Sure, mister.

 Frank backs up his motorcycle a bit and Marcy stands up. Jefferson comes 
 running over to Marcy.

JEFF   Marcy, I saw what happened, I ran right over. [to Frank] Nice bike!

 Jefferson and Frank high-five.

MARCY  Aren't you gonna ask me how I am?

JEFF   I asked you this morning. How many times a day do I have to ask you how
       you feel? I care, okay?

MARCY  [to Frank] Young man, do you have insurance?

FRANK  [laughing] Of course not.

 Frank and Kelly laugh together.

MARCY  Oh, I suppose having insurance isn't cool anymore? Come on, Jefferson.

JEFF   [to Frank] I drove a Mo-ped in college, so I understand the outlaw 
       mentality. But the next time you run over my wife, you better have 
       insurance, pally.

 Marcy leaves.

JEFF   Nice bike. [quietly, to himself] Punk.

 Jefferson leaves. Kelly gets off the motorcycle and walks to the door.

FRANK  So, uh, did you have a good time today?

KELLY  Yeah. I always have fun watching sausages being made. You know, I never
       knew how many fingers went into them.

FRANK  Listen, uh, I want to take you out tomorrow, 'cause it's your birthday
       and all.

KELLY  [emotionally] Aw, and they say that jail hardens a man.

 Kelly and Frank start to kiss. 
 Al opens the door. Kelly and Frank fall in towards him.

KELLY  Oh, hi, Daddy. Do you remember Frank?

AL     I barely remember Bud. Now, your boss called, you're late for work.

KELLY  Oops, I gotta run. Daddy, give Frank a kiss for me, okay?

AL     Of course, Pumpkin.

 Kelly goes upstairs.

AL     Relax, Frank. I don't kiss anyone who doesn't cook for me. Ask the wife.

FRANK  Sir, I hope you don't mind I'm taking your daughter out tomorrow for her
       birthday.

AL     No kidding. It's her birthday? What is she, twelve? Thirty? Ah, who
       really cares. Just take her someplace special. Wait a minute.

 Al reaches for his pocket. Frank holds out his hand. Al takes out a 
 handkerchief and blows his nose. He then shakes Frank's hand.

AL     There. Now beat it.

 Al pushes Frank outside and closes the door.

PEG    Al, that attractive young thug has shamed us. We forgot Kelly's birthday
       again.

AL     So? Bundys don't celebrate birthdays. Oh sure, it causes irreparable
       emotional scars, but it saves a few bucks on presents. Bud, are you
       thinking what I'm thinking?

BUD    Luscious hooters?

AL     [looking confused] No, I wasn't thinking that. I should've been. I was 
       thinking about your sister's birthday. And we're missing a grande 
       opportunity here. I say we should ask to take Kelly out. She'll say she 
       has plans, and she'll actually think we care.

 Al sits on the couch next to Bud and Peg.

PEG    And then we can just forget Kelly's birthday forever. 'Cause if she
       complains, we'll say: "Well, we offered to take you out, but you broke
       our hearts when you turned us down."

 Al, Bud and Peg laugh and high-five.

AL     Bud, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

BUD    Kelly's a sucker?

AL     No, I was thinking of luscious hooters. I moved on. [shouting] Kelly,
       come down here. Hurry up.

 Kelly comes down the stairs in her waitress uniform. Al, Peg and Bud stand
 up, smiling like idiots.

KELLY  Smile all you want, I am not pulling any of your fingers.

AL     Well, I guess one surprise will have to do, then. Sweetheart, tomorrow
       is a very important day. It's my little girl's birthday.

KELLY  Congratulations, Bud! [laughs] I'm just kidding. I mean, who would care
       about his birthday? But I can't believe you guys remembered mine.

AL     Not only did we remember it, but we wanna celebrate it by taking you to
       the movies. You know, with the family.

KELLY  Well, I have a date with Frank, and I really like him a lot.

AL     Oh, she's busy.
PEG    Oh, she's busy.
BUD    Oh, she's busy.

 Al, Peg and Bud sit on the couch.

PEG    It's all right, honey. We understand.

KELLY  But I am going to cancel my date with him and go to the movies with you.
       I mean, you guys are like a family to me.

 Kelly blows them a kiss and leaves. Peg hits Al on the shoulder.

PEG    [to Al] Happy now, Bonehead? Now this one's gonna want something for his
       birthday, too.

 Bud nods.

PEG    [to Bud] Well, forget about it, we don't even wanna know when it is.
       Fortunately, he has no friends to tell us.

AL     He has no friends!

 Al and Peg laugh and Bud looks sad.


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

 Al, Peg, Kelly and Bud enter the cineplex.

AL     18 movies in this cineplex and the only one not sold out is "Coffee Cups
       For Two". Gee, I guess that must mean it's gonna be real good.

 Peg's eyes widen as she notices some bonbons at the food counter.

PEG    Oh lordie.

AL     Wait a minute, Peg. We can't afford that!

 The Bundys push their way to the front of the line at the food counter.

PEG    Excuse me, Americans coming through.

 Peg, Kelly and Bud get to the front of the line.

PEG    Bonbon.

AL     We're on a limited budget here.

PEG    Bonbon!

AL     Peg, it's three times more expensive here than anywhere else.

PEG    Bonbon!

AL     [reluctantly] Bonbon.

PEG    And...

 All of the Bundys start talking together, making various requests to the
 salesgirl, who starts piling food on the counter.

SLSGRL That'll be one-hundred dollars.

AL     Ah-ha. But, um... well, we don't need this dog here.

 The salesgirl takes the hot dog and turns around to return it. As soon as 
 she does, all four Bundys hurriedly start eating everything on the counter
 they can get their hands on. After a few seconds the salesgirl turns back
 around and gets a shocked look on her face. The Bundys freeze, their mouths
 full of food.

AL     [to salesgirl, with his mouth full] How dare you try to sell us empty
       boxes? [chews] I brought this from home. [to the family] Let's go.

 The Bundys turn around and see a small boy with a lollipop, looking at 
 them with horror. Al walks over to the boy and grabs him by the collar.

AL     You didn't see nothing, kid, do you understand me? Nothing!

 The boy nods. Al motions to the other Bundys to go ahead, then takes the
 lollipop from the boy's hand and follows them.


ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

 The Bundys enter the movie theater and sit down.

KELLY  Thank you, family, this is the bestest birthday I ever had.

 Kelly turns around and sees Frank sitting at the back of the cinema with
 another girl.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

 Still at the movie theater.
 Kelly is watching Frank and his date. She turns around and looks upset.

KELLY  I can't believe he's here. I am so upset.

PEG    Well, honey, it's kind of a family thing... We couldn't leave Daddy home.

KELLY  No, Mom. Look, it's Frank. God, just because I broke a date with him,
       he's out with another girl. And he has that talking-about-his-uncle's-
       sausages look on his face.

PEG    Don't worry, honey. You're gonna have a great time. You're with your
       family.

 Al and Bud blow on candy boxes and laugh.

BUD    Well, Dad, enough of this bonding. I got a captive audience here. I'm
       gonna go bother me some girls.

 Al and Bud give a thumbsup. Bud gets up and goes to sit next to a girl
 named Liz. He clears his throat.

BUD    Hello. Allow me to introduce myself: I'm your new boyfriend.

LIZ    Well, I'm your new ex-girlfriend.

 Liz slaps Bud, who falls to the floor.

BUD    Call me.

 Bud gets up and sits next to another girl.

BUD    Reginald Bundy, critic for The Times. You know, I get so few chances to
       see films with the public. This time I wanna watch a film exactly as the
       people do. So, uh... if you don't mind...

 Bud starts to put his arm around the girl's shoulder. The camera shifts to the
 other three Bundys. We hear a slap and Bud goes flying above the audience and
 crashes to the floor. Bud gets up with a plastic wrapper stuck to his cheek.
 Al gives him thumbs up and Bud also sticks up his thumb. He throws the wrapper
 to the floor, straightens up and goes to sit next to another girl named Lil.

BUD    I see you're alone. Well, don't worry, 'cause me and my beard make just
       an excellent friend.

 Lil's huge boyfriend, Lon, returns with popcorn and coke and sits on top of Bud.

LON    Here's the popcorn you wanted, Lil.

 Lon gives Lil the popcorn and coke.

LIL    You know, some boy was bothering me before. I wonder where he is now.

 Bud is heard screaming.

LON    Hmm. Well, let me know if you see him.

 Lon shifts about in his seat uncomfortably.

LON    Damn, I'm sitting on something lumpy. Probably a milk dud.

 Lon gets up and absent-mindedly throws Bud to the other end of the theater.
 Bud gets up from the floor with a candy wrapper stuck in his ear, throws down
 the wrapper and sits next to Al dejectedly. Al offers him a bon-bon box and Al
 and Bud start blowing on their bon-bon boxes again. They laugh and all four 
 Bundys put their feet on the seats in front of them. An usher walks over to them.

USHER  You people have to keep your feet down!

 All the Bundys start to object loudly.

USHER  Thank you for your cooperation.

 The usher leaves.

ANOUNC Ladies and gentleman, our theatres are participating in a send-a-kid-to-
       the-movies program. An usher will be collecting at the end of this
       feature. Thank you.

BUNDYS Boo!

 A man in the row behind the Bundys addresses them.

MAN    Hey, the movie's starting. Shut up!

AL     Save my seat, Peg.

 Al climbs his seat and proceeds to vigorously beat up the man who spoke to the
 Bundys. The man loses consciousness and Al takes his popcorn and returns to his
 seat.

AL     Gave me his popcorn.

ANOUNC And now, our feature presentation.

KELLY  Mom, did this ever happen to you when you dated?

PEG    Uh, yes. Once. I was out with your dad, and we saw this really cool boy
       that I was dating out with another girl. So I had your daddy beat him up. 
       You know, that's what I love about your dad. He's like a big stupid 
       guard dog. He didn't even ask why he was beating the guy up. He just
       loved it so.

 Peg laughs and pats Al's shoulder. They smile to each other.

PEG    Honey, men are to be ignored. Just pretend you're married to this guy.
       You won't care what he does.

KELLY  Well, it's not so easy. I mean, I wear my heart on my sleaze. [to Al]
       Daddy, what makes men cheat on women?

AL     Women. Ah, pumpkin, don't take it personally. See, men are different.
       We're loners, rogues, great white hunters, roaming wild and free, like
       our ancestors, the mighty monkey. We need variety. In fact, women like
       us that way. They want us to be that way. Women don't respect men unless
       they cheat. That's why your mother doesn't respect me. But honey, if
       it'll make you feel any better - boobie, I saw a boobie!

PEG    Al, that is a forehead with a zit on it. Put on your glasses.

 Al squints at the screen.

AL     Ah, this is too much. I'm gonna go get some more popcorn, and complain
       to the manager there's not enough hooters in this otherwise undistinguished 
       film.

 Al gets up and leaves.

KELLY  God, I've never been cheated on before. Mom, am I losing it?

PEG    Oh no, honey. You don't lose it till you're, like, fifty or sixty. I 
       mean, look at me - I am getting sexier, and yes, classier, every year.

 Peg wipes her nose with the back of her hand and then wipes her hand on her
 armpit.

KELLY  I can't be losing it. I gotta see something.

 Kelly gets up and goes to sit next to a guy named Lex and his girlfriend.

KELLY  Excuse me. [to Lex] Would you leave her for me?

LEX    You bet!

 Lex's girlfriend slaps him and leaves. Lex sits closer to Kelly and puts
 his arm around her shoulder.

KELLY  Thanks.

 Kelly gets up and returns to her seat.

KELLY  Well, that helped a little bit. I hate men.

PEG    So does God. That's why he made 'em want us.

 Bud throws his bonbon box on the floor so he can look up a girl's dress. 
 A guy walks by and steps on Bud's hand. Bud sits up and holds his hand in pain.

PEG    Not to change the subject from men, but where is your father?

 Al enters a dark movie theater and looks around.

AL     [whispering] Peg! Kids! The hell are ya?

 Al sees a woman with a hairdo that's similar to Peg's, and sits next to her.

AL     Well, I complained to the stupid manager about the lack of hooters in
       this film. You know, Peg, you're lookin' good in this dim light. Remember 
       what we used to do at the movies? Honk honk!

 The woman screams. Al screams too and gets up.

AL     [shouting] You're not Peg! Peg, help me!

PEG    [shouting offscreen] Al!

AL     [shouting] Peg!

PEG    [shouting offscreen] Al!

AL     [shouting] Peg!

PEG    [shouting offscreen] Al, you're in the wrong theater again.

AL     What?? Damn multiplexes.

CROWD  Shhh!

AL     Oh my gosh, I think I see a boobie. [shouting] Peg! Wait, I'll be over
       in a minute. I think I'm seeing hooters over here.

 The viewpoint returns to the theater where the other Bundys are sitting.

AL     [shouting offscreen] I am seeing hooters here!

 All the men in the theater get up and leave.


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

 The movie theater where Peg and Kelly are sitting.
 Caption: "45 minutes later". All the men who left return to the theater and
 sit down, including Al and Bud. 

AL     [to Peg] That was a beautiful, lovely movie. I saw 22 hooters, bunch of
       guys were killed, had no story at all. [emotionally] It had - it had
       everything.

 Al wipes a tear from his eye.
 Jefferson enters and sits next to a blonde woman whose face isn't visible to us. 
 Soon they start to make out passionately.

KELLY  Oh my god! It's Mr. D'Arcy! What, is everybody cheating on everybody?
       You know, I have got half a mind to give him half the half of my mind.

 Kelly gets up and walks over to Jefferson and the blonde woman.

KELLY  You. Neighbor boy. 

 Jefferson and the woman freeze. The woman gets up, with her back to Kelly.

KELLY  How dare you cheat on your miserable, flat-chested, aged, skinny little
       wife with this obvious slattern? I mean, look at her! That hair, that
       slutty dress...

 Kelly looks down and notices she is wearing the same dress as the blonde
 woman.

KELLY  Well, the dress is okay.

 The blonde woman turns around and takes off her wig, and we see that it's
 Marcy.

MARCY  [whispering] Go away, you idiot!

KELLY  [quietly] Oh, I see. You guys are role-playing. [shouting] Hey, Mom,
       Dad! The D'Arcys are role-playing to get themselves hot!

 Kelly returns to her seat. The D'Arcys look around sheepishly.


ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

 The camera focuses on Bud's face.

BUD    [thinking] How am I supposed to score, sitting with my parents? I mean,
       I'm a cool guy, and nobody knows it 'cause I'm with my parents. Next
       time I'm gonna sit alone. Yeah! Babes can't resist a guy who sits alone
       at the movies. Maybe I'll wear a raincoat...

 Bud nods to himself, smiling. The camera moves on to Al.

AL     [thinking] How long is this thing? She loves him, he loves her... I
       can't take it. I'm gonna run amok and start dismembering everyone.

 Al looks at Peg.

AL     [thinking] And I'm gonna start with her.

 Al puts his arm around Peg's shoulder.

PEG    [thinking] Gee, this film has really touched Al. [emotionally] I see a
       tear in his eye. I think I actually may get some tonight. Thank you,
       Cosmo, you really do know men.

 The camera moves on to Kelly, who's got some of her hair in her mouth.

KELLY  [thinking] I like the way my hair tastes tonight.

 Kelly turns her head and looks at Frank and his date, who are kissing.

KELLY  I can't take this anymore. It's like Chinese waiter torture. I have to
       talk.

 Kelly gets up and walks over to Frank.

KELLY  Hello, Frank.

 Frank sits back, alarmed.

FRANK  Kelly! Oh, uh... It - it's not what you think... You see, uh... I was
       planning on using her dentist and I was just checking out his work.

KELLY  Yeah, well, I might have bought that if I didn't know that you already
       see an excellent dentist. But you know, it's okay. I mean, at first I
       was hurt to see you with someone else, but, after all, I canceled the
       date. It's my birthday, and it's time to handle my life maturely. I just
       wanna let you know that I understand what happened and it's okay.

 Kelly returns to her seat.

KELLY  [to Al] Daddy, beat him up.

AL     Of course, pumpkin.

 Al gets up, walks over to Frank while his girlfriend quickly runs away, beats 
 him up for a while and returns to his seat.

AL     And that's why cable will never replace the movie-going experience.

 Al puts his arms around his family and they all smile.


ENDING CREDITS

 The Bundys are still sitting in the movie theater, watching the credits roll by.

KELLY  Oh, Richard Improta. He's supposed to be great.

AL     Mmm. Sam W. Orender... sounds like a cartoon lizard.

PEG    Hey, Richard Draney. He's legendary.

BUD    Kitty Rourke and Thomas W. Markle... I heard they're secretly married.

AL     Hey, look at that thing go. Mike Semon, my man. Whoa, here comes the
       Columbia logo!

BUNDYS Boo!



CREDITS

Directed by Gerry Cohen
Written by Ellen L. Fogle
Created by Ron Leavitt and Michael G. Moye
Produced by John Maxwell Anderson

EXECUTIVE STORY EDITOR: LARRY JACOBSON
CASTING BY TAMMARA BILLIK, C.S.A. AND STEVE CRAIG
"LOVE AND MARRIAGE" MUSIC AND LYRICS BY SAMMY CAHN AND JIMMY VAN REUSEN
MUSIC SUPERVISOR / COMPOSER MICHAEL ANDREAS
ART DIRECTOR RICHARD IMPROTA
ASSISTANT ART DIRECTOR JIM VARMER
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR SAM W. ORENDER
STAGE MANAGER STEPHANIE SCOTT
STAGE MANAGERS RICHARD DRANEY, SAL BALDOMAR, NILES GOODSITE
EDITED BY LARRY HARRIS
PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE KITTY ROURKE
PRODUCTION COORDINATOR CARL STUDEBAKER
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR ROBERT A. BOWEN
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY THOMAS W. MARKLE
AUDIO J. MARK KING
CAMERAS MIKE CULP, MARK LACAMERA, BETTINA MYLENEK, DENNIS TURNER
RE-RECORDING ROY PAHLMAN, JOHN BICKELHAUPT
PRODUCTION STAFF GABRIELLE TOPPING, FRAN KAUFER, HELEN PAI, MARY E. STEWART,
 ROCHELLE E. STATEN, DON BECK, GARRY BOWREN, BERT L. COOK, CARSON SMITH
COSTUMES MARTI M. SQUYRES
PROPERTY MASTER MICHAEL SEMON
MAKE-UP PATTY BUNCH
HAIR STYLIST DOTTIE McQUOWN
DOG TRAINER STEVEN RITT
COPYRIGHT (C) 1993
ELP COMMUNICATIONS
a SONY PICTURES ENTERTAINMENT company