Regular Cast

Ed O'Neill ............. Al Bundy
Katey Sagal ............ Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse .......... Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate .... Kelly Bundy
David Faustino ......... Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley ........... Jefferson D'Arcy

Guest Cast

Kari Coleman ........... Muffy
Pearl Shear ............ Volunteer #1
Cynthia Allison ........ News Anchor
Hartley Silver ......... Storekeeper Jim 
Michael Goldfinger ..... Doug 
Ed Burke ............... Man 
Flora Burke ............ Volunteer #2 
Jim Chiros ............. Activist #1
Cynthena Sanders ....... Activist #2
Cindy Margolis ......... Beer Girl #1
Robin Killian .......... Beer Girl #2
Tonya Poole ............ Beer Girl #3 



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

Funky, sultry blues music is heard. Al walks down the streets of Chicago. Al steps on a piece of
gum. He tries to lift his foot and in doing so we can see how bad a condition his shoes are in.
Al manages to scrap the gum away and keeps on walking. He stops in his tracks when he finds a
penny on the ground. He picks it up.

AL      Hotcha! [he flips the penny in the air] Another penny closer to retirement.

Al continues walking. There are lots of "VOTE" signs around. Al passes a man on the street.

MAN     Hey Bundy, car broken down again? No one will give you a ride, heh?

AL      Well, maybe I should've asked your wife. She always gives everyone a ride.

Al walks up to a newsstand.

AL      Hey, Jim.

JIM     Hey, Bundy.

AL      Did the, uh, new copy of "Girls With Big'Uns" come in yet?

Jim gestures to a pile of magazines on the counter. Al picks one up.

AL      I just think I'll, uh... look before I purchase...

Al turns away. He whips out a miniature camera and takes a picture of the pictures inside. He
gives the magazine back to Jim.

AL      I think I'll uh... I'll bring it tomorrow, Jim.

JIM     Uh-huh.

Al continues on his way. He passes several tables with activists trying to get Al to sign things.

ACT #1  Hey mister, sign this petition and save the trees.

AL      Who cares?

ACT #2  Hey mister, sign this petition to save the world from nuclear holocaust.

AL      Who cares?

A man named Doug mans another table.

DOUG    Hey buddy, they're gonna raise our beer tax two cents.

AL      Oh my God! Well, this has to be stopped!

DOUG    Let's us give you a beer and we'll tell you all about it.

AL      Why ask why?

Doug gives Al a beer.

DOUG    Would you like to watch our movie "The Story of Beer"?

AL      God, would I!!

The man prepares the movie. Al quickly grabs another free beer. 
The movie comes on. It says "The Story of Beer" and music plays. Then we see three hot babes in
bikinis on the beach. They all say "BEER!" Then these words appear on screen: The End.


SCENE TWO

The Bundy house. 
Marcy is giving a political speech to Peggy, Kelly, Bud and Jefferson.

MARCY   And even for people like you, Election Day is very important. So I'm hoping you'll put up 
        some of these campaign signs outside your home.

Marcy hands some signs to Peggy.

PEGGY   That is a wonderful idea, Marcy. This one can cover the bird doodie at the front of the
        house. [she hands the sign to Bud and looks at another] Oh, and this is a pretty one! We
        can put this on the porch where the plaster's coming away from the wall, you know, where
        Al likes to kick it before he comes in.

BUD     Wait a minute, Mrs. D'Arcy. [holds up a sign] Support Toxic Waste Dumps? You'd ne - you'd 
        never vote for this.

MARCY   Of course not. I've given you posters of the issues that I oppose. Because if people
        think the Bundys are for 'em, we know the whole neighborhood will vote the other way. We
        like to call it "Harnessing Hate."

PEGGY   Well, anything short of voting, we'd be glad to help.

MARCY   Oh, Peggy, you really should vote. This year we can really make a difference. This is the 
        year of the woman. Everyone I know is going to vote for a woman regardless of her
        qualifications or her stance on the issues. Right, Jefferson?

JEFRSN  Sure! Actually, I wouldn't mind having a woman as President. Especially if it was you,
        Marcy. [he hugs her] 'Cause I'd make a great First Lady. yep, and I'd have a big
        important issue like uh, "no littering"... or, uh, "Nice hair for everybody." You know,
        National Hair Care Centers.

KELLY   [in awe] God, how cool!

JEFRSN  Oh, I think I could do a lot of good being in bed with the President. And I really think
        that if anybody could, I could make them forget about Jackie Kennedy! And you know I
        don't mind prancing it for the voters. [he dances on the spot] And then, [to Marcy] when
        you get shot... [Marcy looks curiously worried] Oh, I'd marry a rich Greek. 'Course,
        she'd have to shave her legs, and under her arms... oh, and her lip. And she'd die and
        leave me a fortune and I'd become an editor.

Bud looks at Jefferson uneasily.

JEFRSN  Oh, well what are you staring at? Like you've never thought about becoming First Lady.

Bud looks quickly around the room, then down in shame.

MARCY   Honey. Shut up and look beautiful.

JEFRSN  I'll sign that, Bill!

Jefferson smooths his hair and sits down.
Al enters. He's covered in various VOTE and BEER badges and is stinking drunk. He carries a big
bunch of bananas.

AL      [looking around the room] Hi, Peggy! Bud. Kelly. Jefferson. [to Marcy] Bud. I just found
        out what's wrong with America! [checks his watch] Seemed to have lost about three hours
        of my day... Bought this bunch of bananas... 

PEGGY   Ah, kids, take the banana upstairs with the tangerines Daddy bought the last time he got
        whacked.

Kelly and Bud take the bananas from Al and start upstairs.

KELLY   God, I hate to see him like this.

BUD     I know. I don't like to see him happy either.

They leave. Al addresses the others.

AL      Family, did you know that along with an election coming up, there's something big going
        on! They're trying to sneak by a two cent beer tax. Two cents! And what really gets to me
        is, that the money they're gonna raise is gonna go for education! Well, I'll be damned if
        I'm paying two cents for some moron to learn how to read! I mean, when is it gonna end? I
        mean, pretty soon they'll be taxing... income!

MARCY   Well, Al, it's nice to see you care about something besides wondering whose back is
        hairier - yours, or your dog's.

AL      Or whose chest is hairier - mine or yours.

Al laughs, then walks around to Jefferson, tripping on his way.

AL      Jefferson, can I depend on your support?

JEFRSN  Oh, I'm sorry, Al. I don't get a ballot. Marcy sends mine out absentee so she's sure who 
        I'm voting for. But I'm gonna be First Lady, you know!

AL      Give 'em hell. Come on, Marcy, you above all people should be concerned about all this 
        tax. I mean, after looking at yourself in the mirror all day you must drink!

Al laughs again.

MARCY   I do not drink. I occasionally imbibe. And only wine. And only with a fine meal. Or a
        good cheese. Or to enhance sex. Or if I'm only for fifteen minutes... But luckily they're
        not trying to increase the tax on wine. That would unfair to the rich. [smiles]

AL      So. Wine is free, hey? The workingman pays for everything. But, a few French people and a 
        couple of guys who don't like girls, they get off for free!

MARCY   Peggy, can you talk some sense into him?

PEGGY   [getting up] I'm sorry, Marcy, but I have to agree with Al one hundred percent. [stands
        near Al] Y'see, if it wasn't for beer we probably wouldn't even be married. In fact, the
        only time Al touches me is when he's had eight to ten beers. [Al's hand slowly comes into
        view and starts groping Peg's hair and shoulder] Ohh, he's an animal. 

Al leaps on a smiling Peg and starts licking her shoulder and biting her.

PEGGY   Oh God, I love it! Would you excuse us!

Al and Peg fall behind the couch, out of view. Moments later, Peggy cries out.

PEGGY   Oh, Al! You were MAGNIFICENT!

Al is heard grumbling sleepily.

PEGGY   Honey, No! You can't go to sleep now. We have company. Come on.

Peggy stands up, laughing, and pulls Al up with her, who rubs his eyes.

MARCY   Well, I guess I can't persuade you on the beer tax since it brings you so many seconds of 
        pleasure... But this is an important election. I mean, it's all gonna come down to just a
        few votes. So, I need to mention some of the other issues. For instance, a tax that will
        go towards purifying Chicago's air. 

AL      They want me to pay so people like you can breath fresh air. Peg, write that down.

PEGGY   Got it. [she retrieves a pad and pen] "No" on clean air.

MARCY   Alright... well, would you consider the plight of the speckled songbird? To preserve it's 
        melodious tone, we must protect this area from further development.

AL      So those little bastards can sit outside my window and sing all night and I don't get no
        sleep? Peg, write that down.

PEGGY   "No" to nature. Got it.

AL      Now Marcy, how do these moronic issues ever even come to the public?

MARCY   Well, they're suggested by your elected officials. Your councilmen, your senators, even
        your President.

AL      So it goes right to the top, huh? Well, something has to be done! Kids! Get down here
        right away. I have something very important to tell you.

Bud and Kelly start downstairs.

KELLY   Finally, he's gonna to tell me I'm not really his daughter!

BUD     No. He's going to tell me I'm not his son. 

KELLY   But you look just like him.

BUD     That was pretty low.

KELLY   I'm sorry. I went too far. I'm really sorry.

Kelly hugs Bud. They continue their way downstairs.

KELLY   Good luck! I hope you're not his.

BUD     I hope you're not.

They stand in front of Al.

BUD     Dad, who's our real father?

AL      Well, about a thousand blood tests say it's me.

Bud and Kelly look disappointed.

AL      Now, kids. The USA has been run too long by people who know the issues. People that watch 
        the news on TV, read books, generally pay attention... well, no more. 'Cause now it's
        time that WE had a say in the future of America. Family... [he puts his arms around his
        family] the Bundys are gonna elect a President.



ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

The voting booths, actually a dry cleaner's. 
A female anchor named Muffy is giving a news report in the room.
Off camera, there are two tables with ladies sitting behind them. One table has a sign that says
"A-J", the other, "K-Z".

MUFFY   The polls have been open across the nation for six hours, but it's now official [gestures 
        toward the empty booths] that not a single person in America has yet turned out to vote.
        Not only that, Bob, but I understand that nobody's even watching our election coverage.
        So I've been told to do whatever it takes to get you to tune in.

Muffy lifts up her skirt to reveal her stockings and garter belt. The cameraman eagerly kneels
down to film them.

MUFFY   You won't see that on F-Troop, folks. 

She drops her skirt but the cameraman is still filming her legs. She gestures for him to stand
up.

MUFFY   Now that I have your attention, be aware. If any people show up to vote today, the future 
        of this country is in their hands.

The Bundys enter. All four are wearing patriotic red, white and blue clothing.

AL      Voters coming through. Make way [pushes the cameraman aside] Make way. Voters coming
        through. Family, breathe the democracy. [they all take a deep breath and sigh, satisfied]
        This is where it all happens. Yes, in a dry cleaner like this they elected Washington and
        Lincoln. And [turns around] at a round table where this volunteer sits, they signed the
        Declaration of Independence. And from the looks of her, she was probably there to see it.
        Peg, get a picture of me and Betsy Ross here. 

Al stands next to the elderly volunteer and makes her pose. Peggy takes a picture.

AL      Ah-hah-right! Now, down to business. [he walks around to the front of the table] I'm
        Bundy, Al Bundy, and I'm here to serve my country.

VOL #1  Then please consider a minty mouthwash!

AL      Just give me a ballot, you crone.

The lady gives Al a ballot. He tucks it under his arm and heads towards the toilet.

VOL #1  Not there, Mr. Bundy, that's the bathroom!

PEGGY   That's alright, ma'am. That's where he makes all his big decisions. Uh, my name is Bundy, 
        Peggy Bundy. And I would strongly advise you to learn the lesson that my Uncle Herald
        learned the hard way: If you're wearing a pacemaker, do not follow him into the bathroom.

Peggy takes her ballot and leaves. Kelly approaches the table.

VOL #1  What's your name?

KELLY   Kelly.

VOL #1  Oh, you should be in the Ks.

KELLY   Oh, thank you.

Kelly moves to the next table.

VOL #2  Name?

KELLY   Bundy.

VOL #2  You should be in the Bs.

KELLY   Oh, thank you.

She goes back to the first table.

VOL #1  Your name?

KELLY   Kelly.

VOL #1  You should be in the Ks.

KELLY   They don't want me over there.

Kelly moves to the other table anyway, and Bud approaches.

VOL #1  Your name please.

BUD     Ah, Bundy. Bud Bundy.

VOL #1  Is this your first time?

Bud's smile fades.

BUD     Are you kidding? Why does everyone look at me and just assume I'm a virgin? 'Cause I'm
        not! Could a virgin tell you the name and the last book read by every Playboy centerfold
        in the last ten years?? I've been there and back, baby. I know the female body like I
        know my own hand.

The volunteer looks uneasy.

BUD     I mean, the back of my hand. "Bud, oh Bud!" they scream. Why, once, I even took a girl...

VOL #1  Sir! I just meant... is this the first time you're voting?

BUD     Oh. I guess that's something I can admit to. Yes, yes it is. Tell me, where do I go and 
        what do I do with it?

VOL #1  I bet that's not the first time you asked that!

BUD     [leaning in] I know what you're doing. You're trying to tear me down because you want me. 
        All girls do that. I know you're twitching under your girdle. Well, dream on, Methuselah!

Bud rips a ballot from the pack and heads off. Kelly returns to the table.

VOL #1  What's your name?

Kelly starts crying under the pressure.

VOL #1  Oh, honey, it's okay! [giving Kelly a ballot] Here, take a ballot. Hell, this is Chicago.
        Take two.

She gives Kelly another ballot.


SCENE TWO

Al, Bud, Kelly and Peggy are voting in their respective booths.

KELLY   [v.o.] Hey, is it yellow in everybody's booth? [pokes her head through the curtain] Oops, 
        never mind, just had hair in my eyes.

Peggy starts crawling on the floor along the booths, passing Kelly and Bud.

PEGGY   [pushing their legs asides] Excuse me, haha. Sorry kids, I just have to ask Daddy a 
        question. Hahaha.

Peggy stands up when she gets to Al's booth. Only their legs are visible.

AL      Hey, woman! What are you doing in here? This is sacred... Hey now Peg, that's sacred too.

PEGGY   Take me, Al. Right here with the fate of democracy in your hands!

Al, grunting, sits up on the bench.


SCENE THREE

In the streets, the Bundys are watching the election results on a TV in a department store
window.

ANCHOR  And now for the election news. There's good news for those who think Americans no longer
        care about the electoral process. In the largest turnout in the last three national
        elections, a full one half of one percent of all registered voters actually did vote.
        Give 'em hell, America!

The Bundys high-five.

ANCHOR  Now let's look at some local returns. The beer tax passed 25,000 to 10,000. [the Bundys
        look upset] And the closest race, the so-called Save The Earth clean air amendment passed
        by a vote... of 5 to 4. And now, we're going to hear from our President elect, as we take
        you live to his campaign...

The Bundys walk away, defeated.

BUD     We lost everything.

KELLY   Not one single thing we wanted passed. I guess Bundys don't count.

BUD     Or add, nor read.

KELLY   Or get a woman.

PEGGY   Or a man.

KELLY   What a waste of a day. [Al walks past them] It's all Dad's fault. I mean, he made us part 
        of the electrical process. Once again, we learn that we mean nothing.

PEGGY   Hmm. [walking over to Al, the kids following her] Well, at least we tried.

BUD     And failed, as usual.

MAN     Kid's right - give up. We did.

AL      No, we can't quit.

MAN     Are you saying we should try again next year?

AL      No! To tell you the truth, I'm never voting again. Like marriage, no matter who you
        choose it turns out bad. Unless you're rich. They get everything they want - well, fine!
        Let them have their birds and their air and their - even their Presidents. We cared about
        beer. And they took it away from us. [people start to gather around Al] Yeah, sure, what
        do they care if a man who sells shoes or fixes cars or totes that barge or spears that
        doodie in the park has to use his whole pay check to buy one beer... what do they care?
        They're at their outdoor restaurants eating their little pizzas and drinking some fine
        wine in the No Smoking section with their sexy skinny second wives. But we're breeding
        with peasant stock! [to the offended Peggy] No offence, Peggy. One thing I know: we're
        never going to win through the system. Voting has never been the American way. We didn't
        get away from that pansy country England by voting! We did it by throwing their stinkin'
        tea in our American habor! [the crowd cheers] And why? Because Americans don't like tea.
        We like coffee. And Americans don't like wine. We like beer! Ice cold... Ice-cold-best-
        in-a-bottle-but-fine-anyway-you-can-get-it-belching-burping-wake-up-in-a-pool-of-it beer.
        So let's show 'em how a beer man votes. Let's get blitzed and take it to the streets.
        Let's strike a blow anywhere they dine al fresco. Anywhere they eat brie cheese. And 
        anywhere they wear their pants up high around their waist in the [with disgust] European
        way. [the crowd nods in agreement] The only thing that Americans understand is mindless
        Tom 'n' Jerry cartoon-like violence! So let's go kick some elite butt. Give me beer, or
        give me death! Or both. Let's pillage.

The crowd cheers eagerly and sets off.


SCENE FOUR

The Bundys are watching the riot on TV. A Frenchman (and his poodle) is seen being chased by some 
Americans. A frantic Marcy is seen being chased also.
Muffy comes into view to give a report.

MUFFY   And in the biggest election related story, people are being urged to eat at home or at a 
        rib joint. Whatever you do, stay away from any restaurant that starts with "Chez".
        Frenchmen, as if they had to be told, should stay at home. [A workingman joins the
        anchorwoman] An angry mob lead by a balding madman screaming, "I sell shoes, damnit, and
        I'm stinking drunk!" has run amok, and they've turned the streets white with foam.

The man at Muffy's side puts his arm around her. Another man hands her a beer. Another man,
looking at a centerfold, is seen approaching.

MUFFY   [reading the label on the beer] Beer forever. [takes a sip] Mmmm, woohoo!

The man with the centerfold shows the picture to the still-smiling anchorwoman.

MUFFY   Oh, that's lovely. Thank you. [the man walks off] Anyway... [she pushes the guy's arm off 
        her shoulders] the two percent beer tax that was overwhelmingly voted in is being
        reconsidered in a special midnight session of a cowering city council.

The Bundys, now on their couch, were watching the broadcast.

AL      Heh heh heh. Well... it looks like the little man finally might've won one. You know,
        it's amazing. I feel more like an American now than ever before. By the way, does anyone
        know who was elected President? [Peggy, Bud and Kelly all shake their heads]  Ah, what's
        the difference. [to the camera] But whoever you are... read my lips: [slowly] Don't tax
        beer.

Al puts his arms around his family and they smile.


THE END