Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy


Guest Cast:

Phil Buckman..................Joe
Colby Chester.................Jim
Leah Ayres....................Betty 
Jeffrey Roth..................Jim Jr.
Marisa Theodore...............Betty Jr. 
Andrea Leithe.................Stacey 
Sherlock Ganz.................Olga 
Heather Elizabeth Parkhurst...Hilgar
Peggy Trentini................Ulla
Jane Frances..................Eva
Anna Keller...................Karin



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

Al is watching TV. 
Peggy, Kelly and Bud enter and stop at the door.

PEGGY    We're in trouble. Daddy's watching "Shenandoah".

BUD      No, not the one where Jimmy Stewart beats all odds to preserve his family.

KELLY    You know when they crank up the theme song, Dad's gonna blow like a geyser.

The theme song starts. Al, who had been watching intensely, starts to cry like a baby.

PEGGY    Ohh, we're doomed. He's gonna want to spend time with us now. Come on, kids.

Peggy, Kelly and Bud attempt to sneak upstairs behind Al.

AL       God, that movie makes you think. Family meeting!

The others stop in their tracks. They reluctantly go and sit with Al.

AL       Family... Comes a time in the life of every man...

PEGGY    Can we just skip through the speech, Al, and get straight to the punishment that you
         will inflict upon us for being your family. What is it this time, honey? You're gonna
         get out the horseshoe set? Boys against the girls bochi? Oh no, Al. Not the "boo hoo
         with you-know-who at the zoo". 

AL       [getting up] No, Peg, because we're no longer allowed in the zoo. Thanks to young Mr.
         Bundy who answered the question, "What happens when you feed a panda Pop Rocks?"

BUD      At least I have a little intellectual curiosity. [to Kelly] And I wasn't the one
         pointing at the leopard yelling, "How many animals died for that coat?"

KELLY    Well, at least I didn't pull my pants down and moon the monkeys.

Peggy hangs her head. 

BUD      Well, at least I didn't turn her in.

KELLY    Well, at least I didn't ask the girl chimp to my Prom.

BUD      Hey, now that was a hot chimp!

Kelly and Bud start fighting.

KELLY    That's sick. That's sick.

AL       Now, kids, hold it. Hey, now I think we're missing the point of Shenandoah. Families are 
         meant to be together. 

PEGGY    We don't wanna be together.

AL       You have no choice. I dedicate today as "Bundy Sunday Fun-day". 

BUD      [to Kelly] And so it ends.

Al chuckles.

AL       Now, here's the plan. We're going to take a Sunday drive.

KELLY    In the Dodge?? 

She screams, horrified.

AL       Just for that, you ride in the backseat with your mother. Now, anyone else have any
         problems with the Dodge?

Peggy and Bud shake quickly their heads.

AL       And, I'm not going to tell you now, but I have a special surprise in mind. 

BUD      You got a bumper sticker that says, "My other car is my feet"?

KELLY    You used your finger to make a really cool racing stripe in the dirt on the side of the
         car?

PEGGY    You got a new 8-track of "Hotel California"? We can crank it as we're towed down the
         freeway?

AL       Don't make me kill you on family day. Now I say we all put on our finest clothes...

PEGGY    We're in 'em.

AL       Pack ourselves some viddles...

PEGGY    We have none.

AL       And pile in the car for a day of fun, [putting his arms around Peggy, Kelly, Bud] a day
         of family, a day of love.


SCENE TWO

With Kelly at the wheel, Al, Peggy and Bud push the Dodge into a gas station.

AL       [singing] Sixty-four bottles of beer on the wall, sixty-four bottles of beer. If one of
         them bottles...

PEGGY    You stink, Al.

BUD      Why isn't Kelly pushing?

KELLY    Drop dead, you little doodie.

AL       Shut up, the lot o' ya. [they stop pushing] Now this is Bundy Sunday Fun-day; I'll not
         have you ruin it for me. Pumpkin, put the car in park, honey.

KELLY    [getting out] Oh, I already did that before you started pushing.

Al starts to strangle Kelly. Peggy and Bud stop him. 

AL       Alright, alright. I'm fine.

A beat, then Al starts to strangle Kelly again. Bud and Peggy pull him off.

PEGGY    Come on, Al. Now, look. When this car ran out of gas, you promised that if we helped you 
         push, you'd let us in on this big surprise that you have for us. Now what is it, Al?
         Tell us. [smiling] Are you dying?

The three smiling Bundys lean in eagerly.

AL       No. [they look disappointed] But if you were the least bit observant, you'd see what the
         surprise is.

They look around. Peggy spies the "FULL SERVICE" sign.

PEGGY    Oh my God! I see it! I see it. Oh Al, can this be true?

AL       'Tis! After years of living like paupers, the Bundys are gonna do what the Rockefellers
         are doing. We're gonna get our gas today from the Full Serve pump!

The Bundys dance around happily.

PEGGY    Oh, Al. I feel like a princess!

Peggy blows her nose on Al's shirt.

AL       Who's the king of surprises?

PEGGY    Daddy!!
KELLY    Daddy!!
BUD      Daddy!!

AL       You betchum! Now, who wants to be the one to honk the horn to summon the attendant?

Both Bud and Kelly eagerly want to do it.

AL       Alright now, now, how does a father choose? Hahaha. Let the boy do it.

Bud honks the horn long and proudly. 

PEGGY    Al, isn't that a little obnoxious?

AL       Hey Peg, we're paying twenty-five cents extra for a gallon. He'll take it and like it.

The attendant, Joe, comes out with the gas pump.

AL       Come on, ya rummy! Fully serve us!

JOE      What can I do for you, folks?

AL       Ah, we'll have two dollars worth of regular.  

Joe takes out the rag that's being used for a gas cap, flicks a fleck of gas from the nozzle of
the pump into the direction of the tank and replaces the rag.

JOE      Will there be anything else, sir?

AL       Yes, there will be. Check under the hood. 

Joe replaces the pump.

AL       Peg, look at that. That's the first time I've told somebody to do something and he's
         actually doing it.

Al wipes a tear from his eye.

PEGGY    Yes, honey. It's also the first time you've had two dollars.

Joe lifts the hood of the car, only to find the whole thing comes off completely. He inspects the 
engine.

JOE      You're down three quarts of oil. Want me to put it in? 

AL       Hey, how many pay checks do you think I get in a week, buddy? No! Just... check
         something else.

JOE      Well, your engine block is cracked and... you got a pair of nylons for a fanbelt.

PEGGY    Those are my good black ones!

AL       [putting his arm around Peg] Hey, what do you wanna do? You wanna look good walking, or
         look good riding?

BUD      Hey Dad, can I order the geek around too?

AL       Hey, marry your own.

Peggy gives Al a look.

BUD      No, I was talking about the gas jockey, Dad.

AL       Bud, I said it was Bundy Family Day, didn't I? [tousles his hair, then mock fights him]
         Of course you can!

Bud walks up to Joe.

BUD      Okay, Goober. Check the tires and there might be a shiny nickel in it for ya.

AL       [furtively] Son, son, son, son, I don't have a nickel!

Joe checks the tires.

JOE      Ah, They're pretty low, Sir. You want some air?

KELLY    Ah, no thanks, we'll just breathe the stuff that's around.

PEGGY    Oh Al, you've made this such a great day for us all.

Al hugs his family.

BUD      Hey, Mom, look, look. [points] There's a lady putting gas in her own car.

Peggy, Bud and Kelly laugh.

PEGGY    You know, she can't hear us laughing from here, let's go over there.  

BUD      Okay.

They walk off, laughing.

PEGGY    Go ahead, lady. Save twenty-five cents.

Joe is washing the windscreen.

AL       You know, Joe, what really makes me mad?

JOE      What, having a car this color?

AL       No. No. It's all those damn Japanese imports. You know, after seeing a bunch of those
         clunkers, you don't mind putting a little elbow grease into one of these fine American
         products, huh?

Al pats the roof of the Dodge proudly. Its left headlight falls out.

AL       Hahaha. That's why I always got me [retrieving a bumper sticker from inside the car] a
         bunch of fine American bumper stickers to show where I'm coming from. [sticks the bumper 
         sticker over the headlight so it stays in place] Yep! Takes a good American bumper
         sticker to hold in a headlight, hey, Joe?

JOE      Yeah, they sure build them, don't they? I mean, [indicates all the bird droppings on the 
         car] this roof must be plenty strong to hold up under the weight of all that bird doody.

AL       Now, if there's no free services left, I guess I'll be on my way. What's the damage?

JOE      Two dollars.

AL       Hmm, alrighty. [Al takes out his wallet] Here's uh... [place a one dollar bill in Joe's
         open hand] one... [digs in his pocket for change] and uh... [giving Joe coins] there's
         one ten, one twenty, one twenty-one...

Bud, Kelly and Peggy come out of the store, eating and carrying food, and wearing sunglasses.

AL       Two dollars! Gee, Joe, I don't see that smile they advertise that comes with full
         service.

PEGGY    Al, the guy inside wants twelve dollars for all this stuff.

AL       [dumbfounded] I don't have twelve dollars.

Joe now smiles.

FLIP TO:

SCENE THREE

Al is now wearing a gas attendant's shirt with the name "Habib" on it.



ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Peggy, Bud and Kelly stand behind Al.

PEGGY    Gee, kids, look how handsome Daddy Habib looks in his uniform. You continue to make us
         proud, honey. 

AL       Why'd you do it, Peg? Why'd you eat me into debt? 

PEGGY    Well, it's your own fault, Al. [Kelly and Bud start getting into the car] You take us
         into full serve, tell us to think like Rockefellers; of course we're gonna go for the
         ho-hos and the slim-jims!

Peggy gets into the driver's seat.

KELLY    Don't worry, Daddy. We're gonna go home right now and raise the money to get you out of
         this financial fox paws. {faux pas}

Kelly gets in the car.

BUD      That's right, Dad. We'll have you back home, cursing the day you were born in no time.

Peggy starts the car as Bud climbs in.

AL       Yes, please hurry, for as Jimmy Stewart said in that great classic "Shenandoah"...

Peggy drives off.
Joe comes out of the store.

JOE      Well, they must really love you as fast as they headed off.

AL       Yeah, if they really loved me, they'd be heading in the direction of my house.

JOE      Well Bundy, we're coming up on a really busy time of day. So I'd...

A babe, Stacey, skips in and grabs Joe's arm.

STACEY   Hey Joe! I stole my father's car. Wanna go to the beach?

JOE      ... So I'm going to the beach.

Joe and Stacey leave.

AL       Well, I don't feel ashamed. I mean, uh, I am a shoe salesman and I did have my family
         out in public. Thank God this gas station's not in my neighborhood. I mean, the chances
         of me seeing anyone I know are about... 

Marcy and Jefferson drive in.

MARCY    Hi, Al!

AL       They're about certain.

MARCY    [getting out] See, I told you it was him. I could see where you would think it was an
         orangutang. But I knew I recognised that bald spot when I spotted it from the freeway.

AL       You know, Jefferson, good for you. You decided to take the Miller boy camping. Where's
         the little woman? Out shopping for more of those little lacy t-shirts that so drive the
         men crazy? 

JEFERSN  I'll have you know, Al, that I happen to like tiny bazooms. [Marcy doesn't look happy]
         Oh, I had plenty of women before Marcy, and I swear you get tired of big, succulent
         breasts. Besides, I don't want a bunch of guys staring at my wife! I mean, that's the
         good thing about Marcy, no guy ever...

Marcy reaches down and grabs Jefferson somewhere below the waist. He yelps in pain. Marcy smiles. 
Al cringes.

MARCY    That's quite enough, honey bunch. [Jefferson continues to cringe] Well, Al, here's
         something I bet you haven't heard from a woman in a long time: fill her up. Or do I have 
         to confirm the rumors and tell you where to put the nozzle? 

AL       Well, Marcy, no need to [chicken-like] buck-buck-buck-buck-buck at me. We'll just fill
         you up and you'll be out there on the highway blinding truckers in about a minute.

Al grabs the pump. As Marcy and Jefferson are facing the other way, Al doesn't put any gas in the 
car; he just makes the noises verbally. Jefferson looks around. 

AL       There you go. That'll be, uh, twelve bucks.

JEFERSN  He didn't put any gas in, dear.

MARCY    Then I'm going to have to tell your superior. Jefferson, find me anyone. 
 
Marcy cackles. She and Jefferson get back in their car.

AL       Guess you people are wondering what, uh, a man of my position is doing working in a gas
         station... I do it to remind me of where I've come from. 

JEFERSN  Couldn't pay for your own gas, could you?

AL       No. Give me twelve bucks??

MARCY    Oh Al, if all it will take is twelve dollars to regain your self respect and get out of
         this demeaning position... then ask someone who cares. 

She laughs again.

JEFERSN  See you later, Al. Sorry!

They drive off, laughing. Marcy runs over Al's right foot. As he hops around in pain, another car 
drives in and runs over his left foot. Al reacts. The overly cheerful family address Al.

JIM      Well, hello there... [reads the name on Al's shirt] Habib! Family, what is the proper
         way to say hello to a friend from the other hemisphere?

FAMILY   May the prophet smile upon you, Habib!

AL       Oh, he already has. With this fine job and the blood that flows in my shoe. How may this
         unworthy one serve you?

JIM      Check under the hood. And I say that not to demean you, but to ensure the safety of my
         family. 

BETTY    Oh, I love you, Jim.

JIM      Oh, I love you, Betty.

JIM JR   I love you all.

JIM      Oh, thank you, Jim Jr.

BETTY JR I love you, father.

JIM      Oh, thank you, Betty Jr.

Al, while checking under the hood, makes a vomiting motion.

JIM      Now, family, I have a big surprise for you.

JIM JR   That you pulled into full serve?

JIM      [chuckling] No, Son. What kind of a dad would just do that? [Al shakes his fist] No.
         We're going on a picnic! [the family gasp in happiness] Well, what better way to
         celebrate another Lundy Sunday Fun-day?

Unseen by the Lundy family, Al rips the fan belt out of the car and throws it aside.

BETTY    I love you, Jim.

JIM      I love you too, Betty.

AL       [closing the hood] Yeah, and the kids love you too. Uh, that'll be five bucks.

JIM      Oh. Well... [Jim gives Al five dollars] There you go. 

BETTY    Should we give the man a tip, Jim?

JIM      Nope!

Jim starts the car and drives out of view. Seconds later, we hear it screech to a halt and crash.
Part of a tire comes wheeling back to Al and he stops it with his feet. 

BETTY    [o.s., angrily] I told you we should've taken my car!

JIM      [o.s., angrily] Your car?? Since when did you ever pay for anything?

JIM JR   [o.s.] Leave Mom alone!

JIM      [o.s.] Drop dead, the lot of ya!!

Al giggles, satisfied.


SCENE TWO

We see Al talking to someone.

AL       Nah, take my advice, Buddy. You probably got a lot of women pressuring them into
         marrying 'em, but... don't do it. Marriage leads to everything bad in life. Work, kids,
         "Habib" shirts. You understand what I mean?

Al is talking to a small boy on a bicycle. He nods.

AL       Tell your friends.

The boy rides away, running over Al's foot. Al hops in pain again.


SCENE THREE

Al is holding up a sign to oncoming traffic that reads AUTHENTIC HABIB SHIRT $12. He waves it in
front of a car that passes but it doesn't stop. 
The scene flips, and Al is now holding a sign that reads RUN OVER MY FOOT $12. He points his foot 
out to a passing car, but it doesn't stop so Al just stands there with his foot sticking out.
The scene flips again and Al's sign now reads EROTIC MASSAGE $12. A car is heard stopping and a
door opening. Al flips around his sign, where on the back is written (NO MEN). The car drives off.
The scene flips once more and a resigned-looking Al is holding a sign that reads SHOOT ME $12.
No one does, so he tosses the sign aside and pretends to shoot himself.


SCENE FOUR

Al has just served another car. It drives off, running over Al's foot. 

AL       [hopping] OW!!! What, is my foot invisible? How could you miss it, it's swollen to three 
         times its normal size! 

Peggy, Kelly and Bud come walking back into the service station. Peggy is carrying a gas can.

PEGGY    Al, don't even say a word. I've had a terrible day. 

AL       Peg, you've been gone seven hours. Don't tell me you couldn't raise twelve dollars in
         seven hours.

PEGGY    Al, you have a job and you can't raise twelve dollars in seven hours. Now, do you want
         to hear about my day or what?

AL       I'm sorry, do go on. 

PEGGY    Well. We went back to the house to look for the money, but Mom called. She was a little
         down. She got on a scale today and it said she weighed 380. She's been 374 since high
         school, and she's afraid... she's afraid she's getting fat. 

AL       Er, don't worry, Peg. She probably had six pounds of food stuck between her teeth! 

PEGGY    When I think of how that woman loves you. Thank God she can't hear you.

AL       Thank God she can't eat me! Now can we get to the money part of this story? 

PEGGY    God, you're so impatient. Anyway, I found twenty dollars in the pocket of one of your
         old shirts. 

AL       In the shirt that I wanted to wear today but you couldn't find??

PEGGY    Yeah. Maybe I learned a lesson. I should probably look when I said I did. Anyway, on the 
         way over here, your car ran out of gas.

AL       Too bad. Give me the money. 

PEGGY    We don't have any money. 

AL       Well, you said you had twenty dollars! 

PEGGY    Well, we did. Before the taxi.

AL       What taxi??

PEGGY    Well, the taxi we called when you car ran out of gas! [points] Just two blocks away.
         See, he's over there with the meter running. So stop dilly-dallying and just fill this
         can up. 

AL       Well, why should I fill it up? What's wrong with you? 

PEGGY    We walked into full serve.

Al reluctantly takes the can.

PEGGY    Now where's that full serve smile?

Al smiles painfully.

KELLY    Daddy, is Bundy Sunday Fun-day officially over?

AL       [filling up the can] Ah yes, Pumpkin, I'm, I'm afraid that it is. But don't worry, see,
         next week we're gonna take a nice drive into the woods and we're going huntin'. See,
         I'll be the only one carrying a the rifle and you kids can run out there and flush out
         the game. We'll call it Bundy Sunday Gun-day.   

KELLY    Oh boy!

AL       Indeed. [giving Peggy the can] That'll be two bucks, Peg.

PEGGY    Get it from my husband. He's a wealthy shoe salesman.

Peggy takes the can and leaves. Kelly follows her, waving to Al. Bud waves goodbye to Al also,
but Al grabs his arm to stop him from leaving.

AL       Not you. Now, they're women, I expect that from them. But you... I expected a little
         more loyalty from you. 

BUD      Dad, I tried to talk some sense into the women. I tried to make them hurry with the
         money. 

AL       Well, what happened?

BUD      The Sandman got me, Dad. You know I get all sleepy when I take a ride in the car. I
         napped all the way to the beach. Er, the house. 

AL       Now I just want to tell you one thing, Son. All I wanted to do was spend one day with my 
         family. Am I to be punished for this? Yes. Because it's a stupid, moronic thing to want
         to waste your Sunday with your family. Well, I payed for it. But now it's time for
         someone else to pay for it.

Al takes off his Habib shirt. He puts it on Bud.

AL       "Habib" is dead. Long live Habib. The only way to save this, this final Bundy Sunday Fun-
         day, is to watch my only son suffer as I have suffered. The next car in here is yours.

Just then, a car full of bikini clad blonde babes pulls in.

TEAM     Hi. We're The Swedish Bikini Team.

Bud smiles at Al.

HILGAR   We just love guys named Habib. Sit in back and enjoy us as we ride down a bumpy road.

Bud climbs into the car and snuggles between two of the babes.

BUD      Bye, Dad.

TEAM     Bye, Dad.

They drive off.
Then a car full of older, fatter women pulls in.

TEAM      Hi. We're the Chicago Bowling Team. 

OLGA      We're looking for guys named Al. We love guys named Al.

Al nods, knowingly.

AL        Let's boogie.

Al gets into the car with the women bowlers.


THE END