Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy
Buck the Dog............Buck


Guest Cast:

Bobbie Phillips..........Kara
Dan Clark................Biff



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE


Kelly is watching TV and looking bored. 

TV       And in perhaps the most monumental Supreme Court decision in over 100 years...

Kelly changes the channel.

TV       And the missiles of this small mid-East country remain pointed at the...

Kelly changes the channel again.

TV       So, until further information is uncovered, scientists will continue to sift through the
         giant hole that was until yesterday the Republic of France.
 
Kelly changes the channels once more.

TV       Snidley Whiplash, unhand that Nell! 

Kelly smiles at the TV and continues watching The Adventures of Dudley Do-Right.
Al enters.

AL       Well, they must've had a fine round of "Pin the Tail on the Shoe Salesman" up in heaven
         today. Middle-aged woman comes into the shoe store, she's wearing a "Blossom" hat. You
         know, the I'm-just-a-cute-young-girl-of-forty-five look. And she's looking for something
         cool she can wear to a Crosby, Stills & Nash reunion concert. So I suggest a nice,
         recyclable, paper bag to put over her face. You know, so she could save the planet two
         ways. So she maces me. But as I lash out blindly, I think I clipped her a good one in 
         the teeth... so from now it looks like she'll be gumming the words to "Teach Your
         Children". [laughs] How was your day, Pumpkin?

Kelly looks up from the TV.

KELLY    Daddy, when did you get home? How was your day.

AL       Well, a - a middle-aged woman came into the shoe store wearing a "Blossom" hat...

Kelly shushes Al.

TV       Snidley Whiplash, unhand that Nell!

Kelly smiles in reaction to the TV.
Peggy enters and walks past Al.

PEGGY    Hi, honey.

AL       Oh, hi, Peg.

PEGGY    I wasn't talking to you. 

Peggy sits next to Kelly.

KELLY    Hi, Mom.

PEGGY    Hi, honey. [they kiss on the cheek] When's your daddy getting home?

Kelly point to the already home Al. Peggy turns to him.

PEGGY    Oh, [laughs] hi, honey. Guess what we're gonna do this evening?

AL       [sitting next to Peggy] Get naked and try to figure out where our interesting parts used
         to be?

PEGGY    Awww, shoes got you down, Bunky? Well, this should cheer you up - I've invited Marcy and 
         Jefferson over for a game of Ethical Dilemma!

AL       Oh, a dream come true, by gum. You mean I actually get the opportunity to play a board 
         game with two people I can't stand and Jefferson? Pardon me while I ?boogaloo.

PEGGY    Well, it's better than our usual Friday night fair. You know, sitting around watching 
         you and Buck play "don't blame me, it was him". Now, I'm going over to Marcy's to steal
         some potato chips, so we have *something* to serve them.

Peggy exits. Al sits next to Kelly.

KELLY    Gee, Daddy, I guess it's true what they say: life really does begin at 40.

Kelly points and laughs at Al.

AL       Well, at least I'm not the only one with no life around here. Where is your brother, 
         anyway?

KELLY    He's out with a girl.

AL       No, I said "your brother". You know... you know, Bud.

KELLY    I know. He's out with an actual girl.

AL       No, I was asking about Bud!

KELLY    I know. You could've knocked me over with the weather, but I tell ya... it was a real
         girl. Honest. There was no blow-up tube in the back or anything.

Bud enters. He is all bruised and beaten.

AL       Son! [to Kelly] Look, he was out with a real girl!

Kelly throws her hands in the air.

BUD      I'm hurt, Dad.

AL       Well, Son, that's what happens when you lay the Bundy on some babe. The natural result 
         of 30 seconds of crazed abandon! Come on, [pats seat next to him] tell Dad all about it. 

BUD      [sitting] I am totally done with women.

AL       [with fear] What? What, did you get married!?

BUD      No, Dad.

AL       Well, don't worry, Son. Remember, it gets better each time, as long as it's never with 
         the same woman. 

BUD      Wipe your chin and listen to me, Dad. Now, as you know, I've been laying this
         Grandmaster B thing on all the babes. Well, finally, one bought it and she took me to
         this rap club. I've got my hat turned around and all, and I'm cool, I'm cool! Until she
         said, "hey, that guy over there is looking at me. Waste him for me, B." So I go up to
         him and look him right in the eye.

AL       So what happened then, Son?

BUD      Then he stood up. Next thing I know, I'm floating in a tunnel of light with Grandma and
         Elvis at the other end.

AL       Grandma and Elvis? What'd you do, die and go to the International House of Pancakes?

Al and Kelly giggle.

BUD      I wish. Instead, she brought me home to meet her dad, she told him I was a tough street 
         rapper... he hates rap, so suddenly there was that tunnel of light again. I'm telling
         you, Dad, I am through with women!

KELLY    Oh no. Who's gonna fill dem shoes?

BUD      Gee, Kel, it's seven o'clock. Shouldn't you be cuffed to a radiator by now?

KELLY    [sarcastically] Ai-eee! Oh, father, I have angered the Grand Bastard!

Kelly and Al laugh.

BUD      That's Grandmaster! 

The doorbell rings. Bud gets up to answer it.

BUD      At least it was Grandmaster. From now, I'm Bud. Bud Bundy. Take me for what I am.

Bud puts his hat on the proper way. He then opens the door to find his date, Kara, a beautiful
blonde babe, standing outside. Bud immediately turns his hat back in the Grandmaster way.

BUD      Yo, girlie. My bedroom's upstairs. Word to your mother.

KARA     Oh, B. Thank you for not hurting my father.

BUD      Well, from the foetal position I can kill in three different ways. [crosses his arms 
         gangsta style] Word to your father.

KARA     You should've seen him, Mr. Bundy. All rolled up in a little ball in the corner, ready 
         to strike. [to Bud] Anyway, I've got some great news.

BUD      What, Mike Tyson was looking at you funny?

KARA     I've booked us on a rafting trip. Down a river the Indians used to call "Kiss Your White 
         Ass Goodbye".

BUD      If you think I'm kissing my white ass...

KARA     Oh, please, B. I'd be so grateful.

Kara touches Bud's face and shoulder sensuously.

BUD      Let's do it!

Bud takes Kara's arm, waves goodbye to the family and exits.

KELLY    Daddy, aren't you gonna say anything to him?

AL       Oh, who am I to give advice? In another hour, I'll be saying "Marcy, it's your spin."

FLIP TO:


SCENE TWO

Marcy, Peggy, Al and Jefferson are playing Ethical Dilemma at the kitchen table.

AL       Marcy, it's your spin.

Marcy spins the wheel and moves her token a few squares forward.

MARCY    Uh oh. I've landed on Childhood Trauma. [bites her lip]

JEFRSN   Come on, Marcy. Share, go to Denial!

MARCY    Oh, alright. [sadly] I remember my puppy Winkums. Winkums was tied to the back of my
         bike...

As Marcy continues her story, Al sits and thinks. We hear a male voice inside his head.

VOICE    Hey, Al, another Friday night and I've got a keg of beer in the back. Let's go beat the
         hell out of somebody, pick up a couple of private school girls and rock the pleats right
         off their skirts. Will it always be like this, Al?

AL       [thinking] You bet. The boys will never die!

We hear the sound of a car taking off.

PEGGY    Al, it's your turn to move your thimble.

Al snaps back to reality and spins the wheel. Al reads the square he lands on.

AL       Get In Touch With Your Feminine Side.

Al moves his thimble back. Jefferson laughs and pats Al on the back.

JEFRSN   Yeah, tough break, buddy. Oh, I'll tell ya, Al. It's Friday night, I've got a cuppa herb 
         tea, we're with the girls we love...

Jefferson looks at Marcy, who is weeping silently.

JEFRSN   And we're playing a game that's sure to become the next middle-age craze. Will it always 
         be like this, Al?

AL       No, no, one day it'll be just like this only we'll be wearing Depends undergarments.

PEGGY    That's not your feminine side speaking.

AL       No, my feminine side is on the couch watching Oprah, and occasionally pushing aside a 
         breast to scratch my knee.

PEGGY    Bitch. Now it's my turn.

Peggy spins the wheel and moves her token forward.

AL       Oh, please don't let her land on Sexual Intimacy.

PEGGY    Sexual Intimacy! [chuckles] Okay. [takes a card and reads it] "If your lover suddenly
         was unable to perform anymore"... [Al puts his head face down on his arms. Peggy pats
         him on the back] "and was a shoe salesman... and named Al..."

AL       Oh, give me this now. [snatches the card from Peggy] Couldn't possibly say that. [looks
         at the card] Oh my God, it does!

Peggy takes the card back from Al. Al puts his head back on his arms.
  
PEGGY    "And an old lover came back to town..." [to Marcy] Oh, I guess they mean Jim... "Would 
         you have a sleazy affair with him?"

Al lifts his head up. Peggy looks at him, Jefferson and Marcy before answering.

PEGGY    Yeah. [giggles]

Bud enters. He still bruised and beaten, only this time he is wet also. He walks over to the game 
players.

BUD      Well, I did it. I survived the river. Ahh, I've never felt so alive. The rush of the
         water, the feeling of flight as you're launched out of the boat. And the good clean
         crack of a pelvis as it meets one of nature's finest pointy rocks. And, as I lay there
         clinging for dear life, I couldn't help but notice the beauty of nature as it sat on my
         chest, pecking at my eyes. It thought it could carry me to its young ones, but I guess
         the joke was on it, 'cause I was too heavy and it dropped me in part of the river the
         Indians used to call, "Nutcracker Falls". 

AL       But at least you weren't with them.

Al points to Peggy, Marcy and Jefferson playing Ethical Dilemma happily.

BUD      Yeah, but you people are old. I still have needs. From now on, it's life without girls.
         I'm through with them. I mean it this time.

The phone rings. Bud answers it.

BUD      Hello?... Yeah... Of course.

Bud hangs up.

BUD      Well, that was Kara. She asked me to jump out of an airplane tomorrow and I said yes!
         Good night.

Bud collapses. The others pause to watch him momentarily, then go back to the game.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Peggy, Marcy and Jefferson are still playing Ethical Dilemma. 
Al is standing at the back of the room, facing the wall. Kelly comes in.

KELLY    Daddy? Why are you standing up against the wall?

Al turns around.

AL       Well, it's uh, it's an adult thing, Pumpkin, you - you wouldn't understand. See uh, I
         landed on The Lonliless of Adolescence. So your mother yelled at me and took my wallet,
         and... I sassed her, and well, here I am stuck in Shame On You Land.  

KELLY    Really cool, Dad.

Kelly goes to leave, but Al stops her.

AL       Uh, Pumpkin, um, before you go out in the neighborhood and spread this all around, can I 
         ask you something? [Kelly nods] What's it like to have a life?

KELLY    Well, people think that being young and beautiful is exciting and everything, but
         actually it's pretty boring. I mean, take today for example. There I am in the mall, and
         this guy, some geezer rock star, steps on my foot. You know, that Springsteen guy? 

AL       The Boss??

KELLY    Well, I don't think so, Daddy, His wife seemed to be the one in charge. [Al nods] Well,
         anyhow, it was downhill from there. There I am hitching a ride, and who should pick me
         up? The Swedish Bikini Team. [Al looks amazed] They wanted to drive me home and come in
         for a beer, but [Al smiles excitedly] I've heard you say hundreds of times you didn't
         want people drinking your beers... [Al looks heartbroken]

PEGGY    Your time's up, Al.

AL       I know.

KELLY    So then Ernie Banks comes...

AL       Uh, Pumpkin... could you go wait for the mail?

KELLY    Okie dokie. 

Kelly turns to leave. Al sits back down.

KELLY    Oh, Daddy? If it makes you feel any better, you're a lot younger than the guy the Bikini
         team ended up going home with.

Kelly exits. Al cringes and puts his head down in despair.

MARCY    Your spin, Al.

Al, without looking, spins the wheel. Jefferson moves his thimble for him.

JEFRSN   Oh, Al landed on Caring. I mean, I mean I'm trying to win, but I keep landing on Date a
         Kennedy, Lose A Turn.

PEGGY    Tell us what you care about, honey.

Al stands up.

AL       I Care, by Al Bundy.
         When hooters jiggle around, 
         and I find nickels on the ground, I care.
         When a mustang engine purrs, 
         and the bathroom is not hers, I care.
         When the pitcher's on the mound, 
         and the wife is underground, I care.
         But when I've been playing this for days, 
         I will kill anyone who stays, I swear!

Al sits back down. 

PEGGY    And if you really want a scare, check out his underwear. If you dare.

Bud enters the room.

BUD      Well, I'm going to jump out of an airplane now and plummet to my death basically for
         nothing. Just wanted to say goodbye.

No one responds. Bud, depressed, walks off.

JEFRSN   Hey, Al's not moving his thimble down the path to Intimacy.

PEGGY    Hmph. Gee, that's a first.

AL       I'm using my Get Out Sexual Intimacy Card Free!

MARCY    You have to say it before you spin.

AL       Drop dead.

MARCY    Bite me.

Kelly enters just as Bud is leaving.

KELLY    Oh, I'm glad I caught you, Thumb Sucker B. [she leads Bud to the couch and they sit]
         Listen, it's time we had a little boy-girl talk. Now let's pretend that you're the boy.

BUD      Okay. Okay, I'm remember 27. Do I get in line behind the sailors over there?

KELLY    Look, I am just trying to help you, Drippy. Now let me tell you about women.

BUD      I already know about women.

KELLY    Yes, but there's more to us than just "inflate until feet start to plump." [Bud looks
         down] Now as we both know, you are doing this for sex. But let me tell you something. It
         doesn't matter what a guy does or says or how he treats us. The second we see a guy we
         already know whether or not he's gonna get sex. Which, by the way, explains why you've
         never gotten any.

BUD      Hey. Now if that was even close to true, do you think I could still hold my head up?

Bud looks down, ashamed.

KELLY    Look, all I'm saying is that if she hasn't let you touch her yet, she ever will. And if
         you still feel the need to do something dangerous... throw out your Clearasil!

BUD      Yeah, like I'm really going to take the advice from someone who's fooled by every single 
         disguise of the Tricks Rabbit.

Kelly gives Bud a stern look.

KELLY    Yeah. Like you know who he is until his ears flop out. But I do know this. You can go
         jump out of a plane and go hurtling to your death, but mark my words: you will not even
         get a cheap feel out of this. You will die a flat virgin.

BUD      Kel, you're wrong. And besides, [talks louder, so the adults can hear him] if jumping
         out of a plane with almost no training was dangerous, don't you think my parents
         would've stopped me?

The parents are not paying attention to Bud.

PEGGY    Hey everyone, Al got a cuddle card.

Peggy, Marcy and Jefferson all gather around Al and hug him.

AL      [disgusted] Ohh... I played high school football for God's sake!


SCENE TWO

Bud and Kara are on the plane, waiting to jump.
Biff, the handsome instructor, comes out of the cockpit.

BIFF     So, does anybody have any questions in case we get tied up in power lines?

Bud puts up his hand.

BIFF     Yes?

BUD      Is there any way to get out of them and still live?

BIFF     No. Not with the piddly training you guys have had.

BUD      [to Kara] That's how I like it.

KARA     You're so brave, Grandmaster B. You're all I ever wanted in a man. My last boyfriend was
         so boring. All we did was make love.

BUD      What a loser. [thinking to himself] Oh, I'm definitely not doing this. No way, no how,
         never. Not for anything. [glances over and looks at Kara's cleavage; still thinking] Oh
         man. Look at those hooters! [smiling] I'm doing it.

BIFF     Well, we're just about ready to go. Remember, I'll be jumping out with you, and we'll be
         in radio contact all the way down. You know, so I can give you instructions. Just in
         case. Any questions?

BUD      [putting his hand up] Yes. Just in case of what?? [walks over to the doorway of plane]

BIFF     Well, like if your parachute doesn't open, if it gets tangled up in itself, if there's a
         hole in it, or if we just forgot to put one in the pack. Well, let's go.

BUD      Wait. Wait a minute. Now, aren't these guys [indicates the other men sitting on the
         other side of the plane in jumpsuits] gonna go first?

BIFF     Oh, they backed out. They're not with girls.

KARA     [standing] This is so exciting. My whole body feels like it's on fire.

BUD      Well, before mine is [glances down] upon impact... How 'bout just one last kiss? Which
         means one first kiss... [looks down] which means one last kiss. For luck?

KARA     Alright. One kiss for my hero.

Bud and Kara purse the lips and move towards each other. But before their lips meet...

BIFF     [cheerfully] Alright, Bundy!

Biff pushes Bud out of the plane as the green light comes on. It takes a moment for Bud to open
his eyes, and unpurse his lips, and see that he is in the air. He starts screaming. Biff's voice 
comes over the radio.

BIFF     [v.o.] How you doing, Bud?

Bud screams.

KARA     [v.o.] Bud, this is Kara. How are you?

BUD      [calmly] Couldn't be calmer, babe. Could you put the instructor back on, please?

KARA     [v.o.] Sure.

BIFF     [v.o.] Bud?

Bud screams again. 

BIFF     [v.o.] That's right, just enjoy the freefall. I'm watching you all the way. 

BUD      Oh, man. What fun. Okay, I've had enough now. Uh, listen, this is Grandmaster One here.
         Should I be at all concerned that I'm plummeting to my death over Lake Michigan? Over.

BIFF     [v.o.] Yes. But stay calm. I'll talk you in. All you have to do is... s-say, Kara,
         you're cute.

KARA     [v.o.] Thank you. You're cute, too. The second I saw you I knew we were going to have
         sex.

Bud mouths something angrily. 

BUD      Uhh, instructor? Grandmaster One here. Uh, listen. I seem to be heading towards the
         smoke stack of a tugboat. Could use some last minute advice. Over!

KARA     [v.o.] Take me, Biff. Take me now!

BIFF     [v.o.] I thought we were going to jump?

KARA     [v.o.] Can you look at THESE and still think of jumping?

Bud looks up, as if to see them.

BUD      Instructor?? Kara!? MOMMY!!!!!!!

Bud starts flapping his arms as he sails down.


SCENE THREE

Peggy, Al, Marcy and Jefferson are still playing Ethical Dilemma.
Peggy, Marcy and Jefferson are studying Al.

PEGGY    His eyes, his chest, his butt...

MARCY    What else would you change about him?

JEFRSN   Well, certainly, you wouldn't want him to keep those teeth.

PEGGY    Please, Jefferson, he's sitting right in front of us. [to Marcy] But I would like to
         change that birthmark on his tush shaped like Woody Allen.

AL       Death can't be this busy.

Bud enters, soaking wet. He sighs with relief.

KELLY    Ahh, the sparrow has landed. Did you get any?

BUD      [sitting next to Kelly on the couch] Yes, if you count mouth-to-mouth from a drunken sea
         captain. But, I've learned a couple of things from all this. One - there's nothing a
         pelican won't eat. And two - I am finally, totally, completely finished with women. 

KELLY    Wait. Let us not forget number three - that I was right. Say it.

BUD      No.

KELLY    That's all I needed to hear.

BUD      But I tell you this: the next time a girl comes up to me and wants me to do something
         stupid?

KELLY    You'll do it?

BUD      You betcha.

Bud goes upstairs, passing Al, who chuckles.

AL       Ah ha ha ha. You know what? For a million dollars I'd never jump out of an airplane.

PEGGY    Al, you landed on Kiss The Neighbor.

Al looks to the camera and mouths "What?"

FLIP TO:


SCENE FOUR

Back on the airplane.

BIFF     Don't you want your last minute instructions?

Al, holding a parachute over his arm, walks up to Biff. Laughing manically, he jumps straight out
of the plane. Biff looks out after Al, straightens up, and then glances out the door again.


THE END