Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy

Guest Cast:

Matt LeBlanc............Vinnie Verducci 
Dinah Lenney............Talk Show Host
Heather Grimes..........Roberta
Donna Eskra.............Cyndy
Georgi Irene............Samantha
Lisa Fuhrman............Jeannie
Kari Wuhrer.............Joanie


ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

Kelly and Bud cross to the living room with boxes of munchies.

KELLY    Where's Dad? It's almost time.

BUD      Well, the shoe store closed about five minutes ago, he's gotta count the day's receipts,
         so... he should be walking through the door any second now.

Al enters, proudly, and with a TV Guide.

AL       The day has finally come! Perhaps the proudest day in the history of the Bundy
         household. I want the whole family to share this moment.

Kelly and Bud sit on the couch.

AL       Buck. Ready, boy?

Buck, who is lying on the armchair, doesn't seem interested and puts his head down.

AL       Calm down, Buck. Where's Mom?

BUD      She's out shopping.

AL       Good. Then the whole family is here. [Al sits between Kelly and Bud] Man, what a day.
         After all the praying, the dreaming, the saving of every penny, the Bundys have finally
         arrived. Today... we get cable TV.  

All three react happily. Kelly and Bud put their heads on Al's shoulders.

AL       [holding out his hand] Can I get a "Whoa Cable"?

The three of them do a "Whooooaaaa Cable!" Buck puts his paw up.

AL       Alright now, kids. [producing a remote from his pocket] The cable should come on any
         minute. To make every day our birthdays, I have a very special gift. May I present the
         Cadillac of television controls. The Channel Master 2000.

Al shows the remote to the Kelly and Bud, who both reach for it.

AL       Hey, don't touch it, this one is mine! [they retreat] Man, this baby can do anything.
         Changes channels backwards, changes them forward. It's like having a wife crouching by
         the TV except I wouldn't mind sleeping with this. [They all laugh] And! It's got a
         half-mile radius. Why, I could control Marcy's TV sitting right here by my command post. 
         As a matter of fact...

Al stands and clicks the remote in the direction of the D'Arcy house. The three Bundys laugh
again.

AL       Alright, enough frivolity. Kids, [giving the guide to Kelly] man the cable book, I am
         turning on the TV.  

Al clicks.

AL       What's this?

BUD      It's The Japanese Channel, Dad.

Al changes the station.

AL       What's this?

KELLY    It's The Poker Channel.

Al clicks again.

AL       What's this?

BUD      It's the Stain Glass Network.

KELLY    Gee, there doesn't seem to be much on cable, either.

AL       Kids, fair not. We still have 78 more channels to go. 

Bud rubs his hands together. Al starts crying.

BUD      What's wrong, Dad?

AL       I just thought I could be so happy sitting next to you two.

Kelly and Bud pat Al consolingly. Bud wipes a tear from Al's eye.

AL       Alright guys, get ready. In front of us lies all the entertainment that the great minds
         of show business can provide...

Al points the remote at the TV grandly and clicks.


FLIP TO:

SCENE TWO

Al is still sitting on the couch. His jacket is now off; his shirt and tie slightly dishevelled.
"The Facts Of Life" theme is heard from the television. Al looks disgusted.
Bud comes downstairs.

BUD      Well Dad, [he sighs] you've been sitting there for 36 hours straight now. 

AL       I will not give up. I am paying 60 dollars a month to be entertained, and I will be
         entertained if I never enjoy another day of my life. [he changes channels] Oh, now this
         is better. Yeah, here's the Sally Struthers Whining Channel. Oh, look at the starving
         children. Boy, man, now we're having fun!

Al changes channels.

TV       And stay tuned for Cagney & Lacey.

Al screams in horror, and quickly changes channels.
Kelly enters.

KELLY    Daddy, I have been so wronged.

AL       You have been so wronged? Look what I'm spending 60 bucks a month for! Well, least I,
         least I've got this.

Al again points the remote at the D'Arcy house. Only Al laughs this time. 

AL       Now I feel lucky.

Al clicks.

TV       Today on the Medical Channel, Dr. Bob removes an ovary.

Al screams and turns it off.

AL       [to Kelly] Well, you may as well bore me with your problems.

KELLY    Okay. Well, my whole modelling class went down to be on public access television, you
         know, for our Poise And Personality test.

BUD      So what you do? Spin two diaphragms on your fingers while singing "Somewhere In The
         Night"?

Kelly threatens to slap Bud.

KELLY    Anyway. Every girl was supposed to be on TV. But did I get a turn? Ask me if I got a
         turn. Ask me. Just go ahead and ask me!

Al and Bud just stare at her.

KELLY    No, I did not. And you know why? Because my teacher, Mrs. Jones, doesn't like me. Just
         because one day she wore a pair of Jeans that said "Guess", and guessed size 42. Instead
         of giving me a prize, she cops an attitude. Anyway. So, every girl got to be on TV, but
         then they ran out of time before it got be my turn. So now I don't even have a tape for
         when it comes time for my grade.

BUD      Come on, Kel. There's gotta be plenty of videotapes of you lying around. Now, what's
         wrong with the I Can Make My Dress Go This High classic from the third grade?

KELLY    Gee Bud, it's Friday night. Shouldn't you be taking a shower, getting all dressed up and 
         going to bed? Oh, Daddy, my life is over. [puts he head on Al's shoulder] Wish I was
         dead. What should I do? 

AL       Well honey, I'm glad you've come to me. Because I have plenty - 

BUD      Look, Dad. Look, hooters!

AL       [turning to the TV] Where? Where!? 

BUD      Right there. 

Al and Bud lean in for a closer inspection.

AL       That's an elbow, Son. 

Bud looks disappointed.

KELLY    Look whose word you were taking. 

Jefferson enters.

JEFFRSN  Hi, Al. You know, the weirdest thing's been happening over at my house. The channels on
         the TV began changing all by themselves.

The Bundys giggle to themselves.

JEFFRSN  Hey, could you do me a favor? Can you turn on the Public Access channel? Marcy's gonna
         be on.

KELLY    Oh, great. Even the old and boring get on before me.

Al turns to the station. 
A program called Short-Haired Women In Banking is being hosted by a short-haired woman, with
Marcy and another short-haired woman seated either side of her.

HOSTESS  Welcome back to Short-Haired Women In Banking. And now for the question our financial
         experts have been dying to ask. How does a short-haired woman juggle a career, carry a
         baby and still manage to sexually satisfy her man?

MARCY    Well, it's not easy. Actually my husband has been feeling a little left out because the
         baby's coming. So we've been playing out my role as Mummy in bed. Sometimes he's a bad
         boy and needs a good spanking!

Bud, Al and Kelly look at Jefferson.

JEFFRSN  Well, guess I was wrong. Marcy's not gonna be on.

Jefferson reaches for the remote, but Al holds it out of arm's reach.

MARCY    As a matter of fact, he used to have a little problem with, shall we say, "hang time"... 
         but I've told him not to worry, it's not him. I just have some banking problems on my
         mind.

Marcy winks. The other ladies applaud her.
Bud and Al exchange a giggle. Jefferson looks humiliated.

KELLY    Hey, how'd she get on TV anyway?

JEFFRSN  It's public access. Anyone with 35 dollars and a pack of lies to tell about her husband
         can get on it.

AL       Here we go...

KELLY    Daddy, can I have 35 dollars to be on TV please??

AL       Honey, we're not millionaires. [Kelly sulks] Now honey, I know you're disappointed, but
         if this counts for anything, you'll always be my little girl and I'll always have time
         for you.

KELLY    Aw, Daddy.

Kelly tries to hug Al.

AL       [looking at the TV] Now that's a hooter. 

Al, Bud and Jefferson immediately get closer to the television and comment on the hooter.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Al is again watching TV. We first see his thumb, now bandaged, pressing buttons. Bud is sitting
next to Al, staring at him.

TV       And stay tuned for The All White Guys Slam Dunk Contest!

BUD      Dad, you haven't left the house in three days now. Not that it would matter if you lost
         your job, but it's kind of embarrassing having your old Dodge parked out front all day.
         What if people start thinking it's mine?

AL       I am not getting off the couch 'til I find something to watch!

Al changes channels.

BUD      Well, there you go: Roger Ebert's Dance Party. [Al turns it over] Look, it's almost time 
         for Kelly's debut on the Public Access channel. 

AL       Oh, good. That won't bring anymore shame to the family.

BUD      What do you think she'll be doing? Scholarly discussion of Ezra Pound's poetry? Or,
         getting her hair stuck in her mouth and chasing it around like a dog chases its tail?

AL       Like a dog! Hahahaha.

Kelly enters excitedly.

KELLY    Am I on, yet? Am I on yet? [sits next to Al] Is that me?

AL       It's a cartoon, honey.

KELLY    Oh. Ooh, It's coming on, it's coming on. You know, everyone expected just a piece of
         fluff, but we wanted to do something important. Something that the youth of America
         could relate to. You know, issue stuff.

Kelly's show comes on. It's called ' Vital Social Issues 'N Stuff With KELLY '
Kelly and three of her attractive friends sit in a talk show-style semi-circle. Another girl is
just off camera.

KELLY    Today's topic: Cute Butts And The Men They're Attached To. Hi, welcome to my show. I'm
         Kelly.

The girls all scream and clap in excitement.

KELLY    Now, as you all know, it costs 35 dollars to put on a show. So I asked my dad for the
         money, but he's a shoe salesman. So I had to turn to my unemployed teenage friends for
         the money. 

KELLY    [at home] I just plugged you, Daddy.

AL       Yes you did, Pumpkin.

KELLY    [on show] And now I would like to introduce my guests. Cyndy, she gave 10 dollars. As
         did Roberta. And Samantha, who's rich because her dad knocks off convenience stores,
         gave $14.50. And my very special guest, who gave an eye-popping 50 cents, Mr. Vinnie
         Verducci!

Vinnie enters proudly and joins the girls.

KELLY    So, what would you like to talk about, Vinnie?

VINNIE   Well, I'd like to take the pro or con side - whichever is against - of enforcement of
         motorcycle helmet laws. I mean, say I pull up to some chick. Now, I'm doing a
         conservative 75 in a 30 mile an hour zone, so of course I only have seconds to seduce
         her with my eyes. You see this look? [he gives a sexy look and the girls fawn over him]
         Yeah. How are they supposed to see it with a piece of Tupperware strapped to my head? I
         look like that dork The Rocketeer for God's sake. Which, by the way, was death at the
         box office. Now, I've fallen on my head a hundred times and you don't hear me crying "I
         can't think! I can't think!" [pauses] What were we talking about?

KELLY    Men's butts.

VINNIE   Pfft, I'd like to see them try and get a helmet on my butt.

KELLY    Thank you, Vinnie. Your 50 cents is up. Get out.  

Vinnie leaves, with his arms in the hair so people will cheer him. He has a bit of trouble
finding the opening in the curtain to get out.

KELLY    And now, I would like to introduce our band, Joanie And The Slashettes!

Joanie and her two bandmates play a very short guitar riff.

JOANIE   SODA!

The girls clap.

KELLY    Do you believe that they wrote that in the elevator coming up here? [Cyndy is aghast]
         The mind wobbles, doesn't it? Okay. Now, as I recall, we were right in the middle of
         men's butts. Cyndy? Who do you think has the cutest butt?

CYNDY    I do.

KELLY    No, we're talking about men's butts. 

ROBERTA  Mel Gibson.

ALL      Ohh, Lethal Weapon, OH HE IS SO [unintelligible]...! 

They all shriek in excitement.
 
KELLY    Okay, okay okay okay, girls, now let's get serious.

JOANIE   Two, three, four! [she and the Slashettes play the riff again] Serious!

KELLY    Which brings us to a tragic story. A girl... [glancing to her right] we'll call her
         Jeannie... got a bad perm. 

We see Jeannie, whose hair is a big, frizzy mess. Her bottom lip is trembling and her eyes have a 
black bar superimposed over them.

KELLY    I know this must be very hard for you, Jeanie. Thank you for being here today. Now, what 
         went through your mind when you first saw your perm?

JEANNIE  I screamed, I cried, I ran the gamut.  

KELLY    You poor thing. [to the camera] Remember folks, it's up to you to help. You can make a
         difference. Phone your pledges in now. Call 555-PERM. 

We see Jeannie again. Kelly stands behind her.

KELLY    Ladies and gentlemen, THIS [moving Jeannie sideways away from the black bar] could
         happen to you!! [cheery] And now, another number from our band!

JOANIE   Two, three, four.

The band plays the riff again.

JOANIE   SPIT!

The girls applaud them.

KELLY    Makes you think, doesn't it. Okay, now it's time for my favorite part of the show. We're
         gonna talk about girls that we don't like. [the girls giggle devilishly] The Vital
         Social Issues 'N Stuff With Kelly Slut Of The Week is...

JOANIE   Two, three, four! [they play the riff] Slut!

KELLY    Thank you. Is [distastefully] Vicki.

A photo of Vicki drops down behind Kelly. Vicki's phone number 555-2331 is displayed on screen.

KELLY    Now not only is Vicki to cheap to give a $1.50 to be on the show, she also borrows
         clothes and doesn't give them back. 

CYNDY    And, if she does, she doesn't give them back with the hanger.

ROBERTA  She's trash.

SAMANTHA She's dirt.

JEANNIE  She gave me this perm.

The other girls gasp in horror.

KELLY    So for all these things, we all give you, Vicki, a big Get A Yeast Infection salute!

The girls do some hand actions.

KELLY    And now, on to career talk. 

Nobody says anything, so Kelly nudges Roberta.

ROBERTA  What?

KELLY    You're supposed to ask me the question.

ROBERTA  Oh, right. Say Kelly, we understand that you go to modelling school.

KELLY    Well I'm glad that you brought that up, Roberta. ["EDITORIAL" starts flashing on screen] 
         My classmates are a bunch of skanks. And my teacher stinks. They wouldn't let me be on
         TV. It's because they're jealous. But I'm on now, aren't I? Hahahaha. ["EDITORIAL" stops 
         flashing] Well, I can see by the clock on the wall that it's, uh... 

None of the girls, including the band, can tell the time.

KELLY    But before we go, I would like to do a number with the band that I wrote myself. 

The girls cheer Kelly as she joins the band.

KELLY    Ladies?

JOANIE   Two, three, four!

The band plays a longer version of their only riff. Kelly shouts into the microphone

KELLY    I'm on TV and you're not! Drop dead, Miss Jones!

She bobs to the music for a bit.

KELLY    DIE!
JOANIE   DIE!

KELLY    ... Size 42.

JOANIE   Two, three, four!

The band continues playing. The girls stand up and dance around as the show ends.

KELLY    [at home] So, what'chya think?

Bud and Al are staring at the TV in amazement. Bud's hair is standing on end.

KELLY    I mean, it was great, right?

Al tries to say something, but no words come out at first.

AL       Honey, we're gonna have a little meeting over here.

Al and Bud get up from the couch and walk towards the kitchen. Kelly follows them.

AL       Uh, Kelly, you go over there.

KELLY    Oh.

Kelly sits back down.

AL       Now, she tried really hard, we can't hurt her feelings. We gotta think of something nice
         to say to her.

BUD      How 'bout, "at least they didn't send the Energizer Bunny through the show"?

AL       Let's be nice to her this one time. Now, I know, let's go over and say we didn't see it?

Al and Bud shake hands, then join Kelly again.

AL       Uh, honey, we have something to tell you.

KELLY    Well, I have something to tell you too. They love me. I'm going to be on every week. So, 
         what were you going to say?


FLIP TO:

SCENE TWO

Bud is holding a clapper in front of Al's face, which reads "Al Bundy Audition".

BUD      Dad's dramatic reading in a pathetic attempt to get on Kelly's show, take 3.

Bud claps the clapper and moves away. Al looks up with nobility and begins speaking.

AL       Duke, Duke, Duke. Duke of Earl. Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl. Duke, Duke. When I hold you in
         my arms, you are my duchess of Earl. [Kelly looks at Al worryingly] And when I walk
         [walking slightly] through my Dukedom, Paradise we will [singing slightly]
         share-air-air! You - 

KELLY    Thank you, Daddy, thank you.

AL       Now, help me choose. You think I should do the Girl From Ipanema?

KELLY    [quickly] No. Please no, Daddy. Now listen, I appreciate... whatever it was that were
         doing, but the station wants the show with me and the girls. I'm really having fun. Why
         can't you just be proud of me?

AL       [uneasy] I am proud of you, Pumpkin. I hope the show goes even better so that I can be
         more proud of you. [gets up, to himself] Untalented, ungrateful flash in the pan!

Al yells at Bud and marches upstairs.

KELLY    [sighs] Boy that was painful. I'm glad I don't have to go through that again.


FLIP TO:

SCENE THREE

Kelly is again on the couch, watching something. She covers her face with her hands, crying, and
peeks through her fingers. Strauss' "Thus Spoke Zarathustra" plays. Bud is now auditioning for
Kelly. He is wearing jeans and a black tank top. He flexes his muscles and makes various poses.
Kelly is absolutely horrified. Bud flexes his butt. He flexes his biceps once more, then starts
walking oddly towards Kelly, who runs out of the house screaming. Bud stops at the front door.

BUD      Kel! You gotta picture the whole thing in a pair of Speedos!

Kelly is heard screaming again. Bud advances towards her with his muscles flexed.


SCENE FOUR

Al and Bud are watching Kelly's show on TV.

KELLY    [v.o.] That's what we think. Tell us what you think on the subject 'Briefs or Boxers?'
         Don't let it be his decision. 

Al turns off the TV.

BUD      Dad, it's been three weeks and Kelly's show is still on. I think it's taken off. Can it
         be that we were wrong? Can this be a success?

AL       Well, Son, I don't know anything about TV, I don't know anything about the world, I
         don't know anything about Siegfried and Roy's home life. But I do know is that Kelly is
         a Bundy. And there's no way in the world a Bundy will succeed at anything. Now does that 
         make you feel better, Son?

BUD      Oh yeah, Dad, I'm high as a kite right now.

AL       Good. Because believe me, any time now, she's gonna come through that door crying,
         "Daddy, Daddy! It's all over. People realise my show stinks. Should've had you on it.
         Only you, the mighty Duke of Earl could've saved my show! Now it's too late. I'm
         finished." Heh heh.

Al and Bud smile.
Kelly enters nervously and sits next to Al.

KELLY    Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

AL       What, Pumpkin? What-what could've happened?

KELLY    They contacted me down at the station. 

AL       And...?

KELLY    And a real network wants to put my show on primetime. I'm GOING TO HOLLYWOOD!!

Al and Bud are shocked.

AL       What, Hollywood?!?!

KELLY    Yes! Yes! Yes!

Kelly, Al and Bud jump up and down excitedly. Al pushes Bud away from himself and Kelly.

AL       Get out of here, you rummy!

Al and Kelly and resume cheering and jump up and down in glee.


TO BE CONTINUED...