TRANSCRIPT:

0607 (112)

IF I COULD SEE ME NOW

Regular Cast:

Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill

Peg Bundy..................Katey Sagal

Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate

Bud Bundy..................David Faustino

Marcy D'Arcy...............Amanda Bearse

Jefferson D'Arcy...........Ted McGinley

Buck.......................Buck the Dog

Guest Cast:

Wally......................Robert Fieldsteel

TV Announcer...............Gene Baxter

ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

The Bundy living room.

Al comes in and takes off his jacket.

AL    As God is my witness I will never drive anyone in this family anyplace ever again. All

I get from you is complaints. [moves over to the couch and sits] I think you kids are

nuts. I didn’t think it was scary.

Bud and Kelly enter. Their hair is standing on end.

BUD   Get some glasses, Dad.

AL    For the thousandth time, I do not need glasses. You’re over reacting, ask anyone.

KELLY Fine! Buck.

Buck enters, his hair is also standing on end.

AL    I’m tellin’ you I do not need glasses, my vision was checked in the fourth-grade and

it’s perfect.

Bud and Kelly join Al on the couch.

KELLY Then how come you missed that big sign?

AL    One sign, Bridge and Seher street.

BUD   That was ‘bridge ends here’ Dad.

KELLY Daddy I have never been so scared in my life. I thought I was gonna die. Worse than

that, I thought I was gonna die with my family. How uncool is that?

AL    Well, we didn’t go all the way into the river.

KELLY Close enough to hear the fish hacking. Come on Daddy, why don’t you break down and get

some glasses? What are you afraid of? All it says is you’re blind and old.

BUD   Dad’s not old. I mean he can still do everything he used to, see him sittin’ there?

Just like when we were babies. Way to go Dad. 

AL    And it never occurred to anyone here that I read ‘bridge ends here’ just fine and

floored it anyway. Now I’m gonna prove my prowess by reading TV Guide. [holds TV Guide

at arms length, he squints and screws-up his eyes as he tries to read] TV Guide. There,

any more doubters?

BUD   Who’s on the cover?

AL    [Desperately trying to focus on the front cover] Raymond Burr.

KELLY It’s DELTA BURKE!

AL    Raymond Burr – Delta Burke, tell me I’m the first one to make that mistake.

Bud and Kelly mumble their agreement.

BUD   Well, OK

KELLY Well, OK

AL    Aha! Now where’s my remote control?

Bud takes a banana from the fruit bowl and hands it to Al.

AL    Glasses, Ha!

Al starts trying to change TV channels using the banana.

AL    What the hell’s wrong with this thing now?

Bud and Kelly laugh.

BUD   You know, it doesn’t seem right making fun of Dad without Mom. Well, she was in a food

coma when we left so she should be awake soon.

PEGGY [v.o.] I’m hungry.

KELLY Yup! Right on time. Well, I guess it’s time for a trip down to Cake And Cow.

Bud and Kelly get up to leave.

AL    Damn remote, kids get me some batteries when you’re out.

Jefferson enters just as Bud and Kelly are putting on their jackets.

JEFF  Hey, is Al busy?

BUD   Well, he’s been spendin’ a lot of time thinking about mans ultimate place in the

universe.

Al is watching ‘The Facts of Life’ on TV.

He sings along with the theme tune.

AL    [singing] "The facts of life, the facts of life".

BUD   [to Jefferson] he must be on a break.

Bud and Kelly exit.

Jefferson walks over to Al and sits on the couch.

JEFF  Hi Al, I’m sorry to bother you, I thought maybe we’d catch a ball game or somethin’.

I’m not allowed to watch sports at home, Marcy feels it’s a bad influence on the

foetus.

AL    Hmmm - what’s she watchin’?

JEFF  Chippendales video.

Al switches over the TV.

AL    There ya go – sports, good all American entertainment. Ya know the problem with women

is they’ll watch anything, we’re more selective.

JEFF  Who’s playing?

AL    I dunno.

TV    "We’ll be right back with our Cuban little league game of the week."

AL    This could be good.

TV    "And don’t forget to order our fabulous sports bloopers that weren’t quite funny enough

to make it on the twenty other tapes that we’re selling. And now lets have our sports

quiz for the day, and the first caller with the correct answer wins $100."

JEFF  100 bucks! Hey Al, you know a lot about sports maybe you could win the hundred and

buy yourself a newer Dodge.

AL    No chance! Those questions are so obscure that you’d have to have no life whatsoever

to get the answer.

TV    "Who played centre field for the Chicago White Sox in the ’59 world series."

AL    Jim Landis! I know that, Jim Landis.

TV    "The number is on the bottom of the screen."

Al moves closer to the screen but struggles to read the number.

AL    9 – 0 – 0 – 5 – 5

JEFF  What’s the matter Al, can’t you see that?

AL    Yeah, I can see it, but there’s too many damn numbers there.

Al runs over to the phone and starts dialling.

AL    Hello! Jim Landis. Huh! No I’m not Jim Landis, I’m answering the question, Jim

Landis. [pause] Whatcha mean fish? Fish didn’t play centre field, Fish was a spin-off

from Barney Miller. [pause] That’s ridiculous, why would I call the fish store?

Al hangs up and returns to the couch.

JEFF  I think you got the wrong number Al.

AL    No I didn’t. [points at the TV.] I saw those numbers as plain as I see Bea Arthur’s

face on that TV.

JEFF  That’s Fidel Castro.

AL    That’s an honest mistake.

TV    "Nobody’s answered our question yet, someone should know this. We’re gonna flash the

number one more time."

Al moves down on his knees and edges closer to the screen, he eventually sees the number.

AL    Got it!

Al rushes towards the phone but Jefferson is already there.

JEFF  [on phone] Jim Landis.

TV    "Hold everything, we gotta winner."

JEFF  [on phone] My name? Jefferson D’Arcy.

AL    That’s my money.

JEFF  [to Al] I’m sorry, you gotta be quicker. It’s a young man's world.

Jefferson and Al both laugh, Al’s laugh becomes a grimace.

SCENE TWO 

Al is sitting on the couch using binoculars to watch TV.

The front door has a Jefferson shaped hole in it.

Kelly comes to the door and looks through the hole.

KELLY Daddy, what happened to our door?

AL    A young man went through it.

KELLY Oh. [she enters and sits next to Al] Daddy, what are you doing?

AL    What does it look like honey? I’m watching TV.

KELLY Well turn it off for a second, I wanna talk to you.

AL    [putting down the binoculars] But sweetheart, the sports question is about to come on.

KELLY This will only take a minute.

Al turns off the TV.

KELLY Now I want to talk to you about glasses.

AL    I DON’T NEED GLASSES!

KELLY No Daddy you do not want glasses, and I know why. You don’t want glasses because

you’re vain, because your feeling old and ugly. You don’t wanna be called a four-eyes,

a geek, an owl-boy, professor, dork-o, poindexter, Magoo. Let’s see, what else?

AL    Goofus?

KELLY No, that’s more if your ears stick out.

Kelly pulls a goofus face and starts laughing.

AL    Go away!

KELLY I’m not done yet, Dad. Let me tell you a little story about a boy I used to date in

the forth grade. He was very handsome, tight little butt, big blue bedroom eyes...

AL    This was in the fourth grade?

KELLY Well, he was left back a year.

Bud appears on the landing.

BUD   Hey! Dad, who was the guy who played for the Celtics they called the best sixth man in

Basketball?

AL    Frank Ramsey.

BUD   Thanks, Dad.

Bud runs upstairs.

AL    [to Kelly] Go ahead, Pumpkin.

KELLY Anyway this guy was great. He was the most popular boy in school, and then one day

he got glasses.

AL    And you liked him anyway.

KELLY God no, I dumped him right away. He looked like an idiot with those glasses, everyone

laughed at him, ruined his life. Think he ended up in an institution or something.

It’s a sad story I guess, I don’t know. 

AL    Is there a point to all this?

KELLY Yes there is. Now if a guy who had everything to live for got glasses, there’s

certainly no reason for you not to. For to see is more important than to be. Finee.

Kelly smiles and is very happy with her words of wisdom.

She puts her head on Al’s shoulder.

AL    You’re never leaving home, are you?

KELLY I don’t think so.

Al turns on the TV.

TV    We have a winner. The answer to our quiz was Frank Ramsey. Congratulations to today’s

winner, Bud Bundy.

Bud comes down stairs and stands behind the couch.

Al switches the TV off.

AL    Well, lets go out and get ol’ Dad some glasses.

BUD   What for?

AL    So I can see the expression on your face when I’m choking you.

Al grabs Bud by the throat and starts choking him.

ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

At the opticians.

Al, Bud and Kelly enter.

Al is looking nervous.

AL    I can’t...

Al starts to leave but is restrained by Bud and Kelly.

AL    I don’t wanna be a poindexter.

BUD   Relax Dad, plenty of cool guys were glasses.

A very nerdy salesman wearing glasses approaches and stand next to Kelly.

WALLY I’m Wally. Please don’t want me, I’m married.

KELLY Good. Then there’s hope for my brother.

Kelly turns to Al and moves him towards Wally.

KELLY Daddy, show him your prescription.

Al takes his prescription from his pocket and gives it to Wally.

Wally looks at the prescription and then stares at Al with disbelief.

WALLY Can you see me?

AL    Just gimmme some glasses.

WALLY Of course, Sir. [he leads Al over to the glasses selection] You just go through our

veritable myriad of hip and trendy frames. Mine, for instance, are from our ‘Casanova’

      line. I get more chicks than my friend who’s a dry-cleaner.

Wally leaves.

Al returns to Bud and Kelly.

AL    Kids, listen. I need some help pickin’ out my frames, I’m afraid I may not know what

cool is any more.

BUD   You lie! I mean your shirt, the pants, those shoes, surely those are no accident?

AL    No, no, on clothes I’m confident, but I need help with the glasses. Gee I’m counin’

      on you guys help me pick out somthin’ cool yet understated.

KELLY Count on us big guy.

SCENE TWO

MONTAGE SEQUENCE – MUSIC ‘SHARP DRESSED MAN’ by ZZ Top

Kelly is moving her hips in time with the music while selecting some glasses. She selects

a pair and takes them over to Al, who is sitting with his back to the viewer, Kelly puts

the glasses on Al. He turns round and we see him wearing large rhinestone framed Elton John

styled glasses. Al stands up and dances to the music.

Al dances over to Bud who holds out his hand. Al gives Bud his frames and takes new ones

from Bud. Al turns round and we see him wearing very jazzy frames that look like he has

blue paint splashed across his eyes, he moves his head in time with the music.

Wally taps Al on the shoulder and exchanges the blue jazzy frames for large horned-rimmed

frames. Bud and Kelly laugh and make ‘Goggles’ gestures with their hands.

Al sits down next to a mirror. Bud hands him some yellow sportsman’s goggles. Al tries them

on and he looks at himself in the mirror.

Kelly dances over to Al and hands him another frame. Al puts these on and looks in the

mirror.

This time he is wearing hologram lenses as he moves with the music we can see the hologram

eyes open and close.     

Al takes the glasses off and dances across the selection rack. He wiggles his butt as he

puts on some black and white striped frames.

Bud and Kelly are both wearing ridiculous glasses and are doing a ZZ Top hitchhiker dance.

Al is now wearing frames with large yellow and pink feathers. He air-guitar-walks across to

Bud and Kelly. All three then air-guitar to the music.

SCENE THREE

Bud and Kelly enter the Bundy living room.

BUD   Buck! May I present the man with the go-go-googly eyes. Specks Bundy.

Al enters, he is wearing glasses and laughing.

AL    I can’t believe how cool I look, eh kids?

BUD   Pretty proud moment eh Kel, this is how the young Redenbockers must feel.

Al sits on the couch.

AL    Hey, kids, watch this. TV guide, s'il vous plait.

Bud and Kelly join Al on the couch.

Bud hands Al a TV guide.

AL    There he is, big as life. Raymond Burr.

KELLY It’s Delta Burke Dad.

AL    Delta Burke, Raymond Burr, City of Seattle. What’s the difference? Now, who wants to

take a ride with Daddy in the car and read some billboards from very long distance?

BUD   Wow! You mean a chance to cruise in the Dad-mobile? Listen Dad, if we pick up on some

chicks will you put your sunglasses on and say: [in hillbilly voice] You is one fine

woman.

KELLY Yeh! I’ll go too Daddy, but only if we can cruise by some of my friends and you stick

out your teeth like a horse and go. [sticking out her teeth] Hi girls I’m Kelly’s Dad. 

AL    So your suddenly ashamed to be seen with ol’ Dad.

BUD   I wouldn’t say suddenly.

AL    You know you people reek. What’s botherin’ you is not that I have glasses, but that

I’m happy. Well get ready for a life of misery because I shall continue to be happy

with my new 20/20 vision. [Al stands up and walks towards the door] Now I’m about to

go out and partake of some of the beauty that our fair city affords us. If you need me

I’ll be at the nudie bar.

Al picks up his jacket and leaves.

SCENE FOUR

CAPTION – THE NEXT EVENING

Bud is on the phone.

Kelly is standing behind him listening.

BUD   [on phone] Hey babe I guess ol’ Grandmaster B can fit you into his schedule.

      [Bud flips through his little black book] Let's see, how's Friday at nine? [pause]Well

ten’s ok too. Well look it doesn’t have to be Friday. Uh-huh. Well, that’s settled. I'll

call you again. [pause] Well do you have any idea when hell is supposed to freeze over??

Hello!

Bud hangs up.

KELLY Aw! There there, Crossdresser B.

BUD   Real close Kel. It’s Grandmaster B.

Kelly walks over to the table

KELLY I didn’t mean to insult you, Grandpappy B, but I do have something that might cheer you

up.

BUD   Oh! What? You made customer of the week at the free clinic again?

Bud joins Kelly at the table.

KELLY Your quite a jester, Bellringer B. Anyhow, I was doing a little research, well actually

I was talking to the girls about how ugly you are, and it came to light that mother

nature has yet to play her cruellest joke on you. Now we knew way back when you were a

baby that you would be like Dad and be bald when you’re twenty. But guess what? Odds

are you’ll be blind and need glasses too. Now just so you’re not surprised when this

happens we worked on a little computer composite of you at thirty.

Kelly holds up a computer print-out of a grotesque, geeky, hunchbacked figure.

BUD   Ya know Kell! I’d draw a picture of you at twenty-five, but I don’t have a large enough

piece of paper.

Al enters wearing his glasses. He looks unhappy.

BUD   Thank God Dad’s home he’ll put an end to the cruelty in this house. [to Al] How’s it

going, Bottles?

Bud and Kelly laugh.

Al walks over to the fridge and gets a beer.

AL    You know kids I say there’s a curse. You can see everything. My car for instance, have

you ever noticed how ugly Daddy’s car is?

KELLY You gotta catch it on the right day. You know, the sun glinting off the rust, the cloth

that you use as a gas cap flapping gently in the wind, as it’s being proudly towed

towards it’s destination.

AL    Yeh! Well, try and explain my job. Let me tell you somethin’ - people who work putting

shoes on fat women who wear dresses should not have 20/20 vision. I saw things on human

legs today that would’ve put a white flag in Schwartzkopf’s hand. And you know the worst

part...

BUD   You actually saw your pay check?

AL    Yeh! But I sent that back. It just can’t be right.

Al sits.

AL    Anyhow. Everyday at three o’clock I see this girl that works in the aerobics shop. You

know, she flirts with me I flirt with her, it’s nothin’; it gets you through the day.

Anyway I always thought she was pretty but today I saw her. She’s forty, I mean forty,

I mean she’s old.

KELLY But Dad, you’re over forty.

AL    Yeah, but I’m a guy so it’s totally different. I can’t believe it, she’s not a girl

she’s a woman.

KELLY Does she like your new glasses?

AL    What the hell do I care what a forty year old woman thinks? Then I come home [he gets

up and walks around the room]. I mean look at this place, look at the furniture, that

table... [he picks up a photograph of Peggy] What the hell is this?

BUD   That’s Mom, Dad.

AL    Oh! This is just too much!!

Al moves across the room. He sees himself in the mirror.

AL    And look at me. Wrinkles, now I never saw those before. [he puts his hand on top of his

head] What happened to the top of my head?

Kelly rubs Buds head and smiles in a knowing way.

Bud looks worried.

AL    I’m an old man. My life is really over.

Al takes off his glasses and looks through blurred eyes.

He puts his glasses back on, when he sees his reflection in focus he grimaces.

He walks round the room looking at things with his glasses on then off, he shudders each time

things come into focus.

He walks over to Bud and Kelly, who are smiling. He takes off his glasses and looks at a

blurred Bud and Kelly, puts his glasses on and winces.

He walks over to the photograph of Peggy and picks it up. He once again removes his glasses

and looks at a blurred image.

He looks round the room with his glasses on. He becomes frightened and confused with what he

sees.

He takes off his glasses throws them on the floor and stamps on them.

AL    I feel better already.

He moves over to the couch and sits down and puts his hand down his pants.

AL    Al Bundy is back. [to Bud] Where’s my remote control?

Bud walks over and hands Al a banana.

Kelly stands behind the couch with the remote.

As Al presses the banana Kelly switches on the TV.

AL    Ya know kids. This is a lesson. I may not see too well, I may kill a few people on the

streets and occasionally drive into a river, but it’s better than lookin’ stupid. Ya

know somthin’, I feel younger already.

Al watches TV. A western is on.

AL    I didn’t think there was this much action on ‘Designing Women’!

THE END