Regular Cast:

Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Peg Bundy..................Katey Sagal
Marcy D'Arcy...............Amanda Bearse
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Jefferson D'Arcy...........Ted McGinley
Buck.......................Buck the Dog

Guest Cast:

Bum........................Robert Lesser
Topsy .....................Renee Tenison
Mrs.Garcia ................Terri Hoyos
Mopsy .....................Rosie Tenison
Bathsheba .................Lisa Saxton
Jorge .....................Seth Dillon
Salmoe ....................Tonya Offer



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

 A "baby meeting" in the kitchen
 Closeup on Peggy

PEGGY   Hear-he, hear-he. I am now officially opening the weekly Bundy baby meeting, which we all
        look forward to so much. [chuckles]

 We see that the other three Bundys are asleep with their heads on the kitchen table.

PEGGY   [calling out] Dinner time!

 Al and Bud wake with a start.

PEGGY   Just kidding. [laughs]

AL      I love you, Peg.

PEGGY   Aw.

AL      Just kidding.

PEGGY   [talking to her belly] That was your daddy. I know he doesn't sound like much, but ooh,
        he brings in the big bucks. [to others] Now we shall begin with the traditional
        salutation.

 Al and Bud get up.

AL&BUD  [with a complete lack of enthusiasm] Hail baby.

 They sit back down.

PEGGY   The baby is not fooled.

 Al and Bud get up again.

AL&BUD  [shouting while doing a little dance] Hail baby!

 They sit back down.

PEGGY   Good! Very good. [chuckles] Now the secretary can read the minutes from our last baby
        meeting.

 Kelly snores.

BUD     You must forgive Kel, Mom, but she might just come to life if you say: "I just got paid
        and I wanna get -"

PEGGY   [cutting him off] That's enough. Now Bud, I'm promoting you the temporary secretary. You
        may read your sister's minutes.

BUD     [sarcastically] I'm truly honored.

 Bud takes Kelly's notepad and gets up.

BUD     Hail baby. [reading out loud] "I can no longer write down the insane bellowing of what
        used to be my mother". [becoming interested] "This baby is a curse to us all. Wait, I'm
        supposed to rise and give a 'hail baby'. There, I've done it. I feel cheaper than I've
        ever felt, and that's saying something".

 Peggy snatches the notebook from Bud's hands and hits Kelly in the head with it. Kelly wakes up.

KELLY   [automatically] Hail baby. I will now read the minutes.

 She notices that Peggy has her notebook.

KELLY   Uh-oh. [worriedly] Hail baby?

PEGGY   You will say ten 'hail baby's in the privacy of your own room.

 Kelly hangs her head.

PEGGY   And now we will hear from the treasurer.

 Al clears his throat and gets up.

AL      According to my research, it takes $780,000 to raise a baby from birth to college.
        Thankfully, since I sold a shoe last week, I am proud to anounce that we're now just
        short $780,000. Thank you very much.

 Al sits down, then gets up again.

AL      Hail baby.

 Al sits down. Jefferson and Marcy enter. Marcy is holding a shopping bag.

MARCY   You'll never guess where we went. To a store called "The Sharper Infant". Everything for
        the upwardly mobile baby. Their motto is: "Don't believe the father. You really can
        afford it".

PEGGY   That's right. Nothing's too good for your children.

 Bud and Kelly beam.

PEGGY   Well, I didn't mean you two.

 Bud and Kelly get up and head upstairs.

KELLY   Boy, I will be so happy when this kid is older than we are. Then maybe we'll get some
        attention.

PEGGY   [to Al] Al, we're gonna talk, so could you go sit next to Jefferson, or the dog, or
        something?

AL      Hey, this is my house. I sit where I want to.

MARCY   Look at the catalog.

 Marcy puts an open catalog down in front of Peggy.

MARCY   [points] Nursing bras. And they're sexy!

PEGGY   Oooh.

AL      I want to sit over there now. [points]

 Al gets up, crosses to the couch and sits down next to Jefferson. Jefferson nudges Al, smiling
 widely and gesturing towards the wives.

AL      [to Buck, who is lying on the stairs] Hey Buck, any room for me over there, boy?

BUCK    Please don't. I just ate.

JEFF    You should have seen this place. Nothing but pregnoids. I mean, I - it's been six months
        since I've seen a woman with a waist.

AL      Mmm, yeah. Women are never sexier than when they're pregnant.

 We see Peggy and Marcy scratching themselves.

AL      You know what I'd do if I was president?

JEFF    What?

AL      I'd get me a big, empty state no one's using. You know, a state like Idaho. Then I'd get
        every pregnant woman in the country, I'd stick 'em into a donut truck, and I'd convoy 'em 
        to Boise.

 Jefferson laughs.

AL      And since nobody cares any about Idaho anyway, I'd change the name to 'Pregnaho'.

 Al and Jefferson laugh. Peggy and Marcy watch from the kitchen table.

PEGGY   He must be talking about his Idaho plan again. [flips page in catalog] Oh, Marcy, there's 
        so many things I want. I mean, look at this baby bedroom set. [points] I just gotta have
        this.

MARCY   Well, Peggy, that's $10,000! Do you think Al can afford it?

PEGGY   Well, what's it to me? Let's go get one.

MARCY   Well, actually, I'm not buying new furniture for the baby. My daughter will inherit all
        the precious heirlooms that were passed on to me, including a beautiful baby desk in hot
        pink with a ruffle.

PEGGY   Well, what if your baby is a boy?

MARCY   Then let his father get him something. [reminiscing] Oh, my desk. I used to have this
        little tea service, and at my desk I would hold teas for all my imaginary friends. There
        was Jennifer. The most popular girl in the school. Well, she would never really be my
        friend, but at my desk she'd drink four or five cups of my tea. She'd have to. I'd make
        her. Then there was Robert, the cutest guy in the school. Normally he'd just throw his
        milk in my face, but not at my desk. Ahh, I can see him now, kissing my four-year-old
        feet. Lick 'em, baby! Lick 'em! Lick 'em like a dog! Oh, the times I would have at my
        little desk, with my little chair, and my little pottie, where I'd shove Imaginary
        Jennifer's face every day. Yeah, new stuff is fine, but how can you put a price tag on
        memories like those?

 Peggy chuckles uneasily.

PEGGY   Well, I see since your pregnancy you've stopped taking your little pills, haven't you?

 Angle on Al and Jefferson

AL      So now we've got 'Pregnaho'...

JEFF    Yeah...

AL      ...and we've got 'PMSachusetts', but where we live is called 'Breast Virginia'.

 Al and Jefferson laugh heartily. Peggy and Marcy give them hard looks. Jefferson stops laughing.

JEFF    [sternly] That's mean, Al.

 Marcy and Peggy nod their approval and go back to chatting.

AL      She's got you shaking like a Frenchman in a thunderstorm.

JEFF    Oh yeah? Yeah? Well, last month I stopped paying for her storage unit, took the money and
        went to the track. Now does that sound like a man who's afraid of his wife?

 Peggy and Marcy cross to the living room.

MARCY   Jefferson, can I have the keys to the storage unit?

JEFF    [to Al] Watch me con my way out of this one. [to Marcy] What storage unit?

MARCY   The storage unit where I keep my precious, irreplaceable baby furniture.

AL      [to Jefferson] Good night, sweet prince.

MARCY   Can I have the keys? I wanna show Peggy.

 Jefferson stands up and faces Marcy.

JEFF    I love you so very deeply.

MARCY   What have you done to my baby furniture, which means more to me than five of you?

 Al and Peggy are really enjoying themselves watching the D'Arcys argue.

PEGGY   [to Al] And you didn't want them to come over.

AL      I was wrong!

 Angle on Marcy's face.

MARCY   [furiously] You let them auction off my baby furniture? My memories?? My life???

 Angle on Al and Peggy

AL      And there's the windup, and the pitch...

 We hear Marcy punch Jefferson. He crashes on the floor, with only his feet visible above the
 couch.

AL      That's out of the park!

MARCY   [to Jefferson] Now, I am going to go and get my furniture back. I want you to remain on
        the floor and think about what you've done. Now Peggy and I are gonna go to the storage
        company and get a list of the people who bought my heirlooms.

PEGGY   Well, why me?

MARCY   Because when I get back I wanna strip him of every ounce of human dignity, and only you
        can teach me how.

AL      Yeah, she's the best. She debased me.

PEGGY   You're making me blush. [gets up] You know, it's true. When we were married he was so
        cute: he demanded three meals a day, clean clothes and pillows. [laughs] It took me three 
        long days, but baby, look at him now.

 Peggy and Marcy leave.

AL      [to Jefferson] You can get up now, Jefferson. 

JEFF    She told me not to.

 Al shrugs.


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

 Al is standing by the kitchen table. Bud and Kelly are seated on either side of him.

AL      Hear-ye, hear-ye. I call the third weekly Bundy anti-baby meeting to order. If we may
        begin, we should don our ceremonial hats.

 Bud and Kelly stand up, and all three put on black hats with an anti-baby logo.

ALL     Set sail, baby.

 They all sail their arms down and then clap once. They sit down.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

 Continuation of the anti-baby meeting.

AL      Now we may begin. Secretary may read the minutes from our last meeting.

 Kelly gets up, holding her notepad.

KELLY   [reading] "After feeding Mom into a donut coma, and setting pudding traps should she
        awaken, we officially booed the baby and began the meeting. Dad, my daddy, once again
        wept with shame at his involvement in the pregnancy".

AL      I tell you, I didn't know what hit me!

KELLY   [reading] "And then Daddy said: "I tell you, I didn't know what hit me". Bud, my brother,
        recited from the bible, quoting the story of Moses. He suggested we place the baby in a
        basket with a couple of quarters and a blanket and float it down the Ohio river verily to 
        Cleveland".

 They all "set sail, baby" again. Kelly filps the page and continues reading.

KELLY   "Then we had a two-to-one vote to replace our Mom with a huge-hootered Oriental woman,
        who had no vocal chords, no uterus, but can fry a steak like a Texan. Then Mommy woke up
        and wanted to know what we were laughing at. We said Bud. He trolled up the stairs in a
        little huff, and the three of us laughed at him till dawn." Oops, that was the beginning
        of our anti-Bud meeting.

BUD     Hey!

AL      [calming Bud down] Hey, hey, now, Bud, now, hold on. She's only kidding you. Only 
        kidding. [to Kelly] Sit down. Now what's wrong with you? Don't you know how he feels? 
        Right in front of him?

 They mime Bud trolling up the stairs. Bud sulks.

AL      All right now, let's get on with the new business. Has anyone come up with a new name for 
        the baby?

KELLY   Shark bait.

BUD     Hemlock.

AL      Piscopo.

KELLY   That's cruel, Dad. That's really mean.
BUD     That's a low blow there.

 Jefferson is still lying on the floor with only his feet visible above the couch.

JEFF    [v.o.] I'd like some water.

AL      Why don't you get it yourself?

JEFF    [v.o.] Marcy told me not to move.

AL      Now, kids, I want you to take a good look over there, and you tell me what that teaches
        you.

 Bud and Kelly glance over at Jefferson.

KELLY   Nothing.
BUD     Nothing.

AL      No! It is that this is the thing that can happen if you let pregnasaurs rule the earth.
        Now, we've got one at our very home. Are we going to let our own great red Pregzilla do
        this to us? Huh?

 Kelly and Bud shake their heads.

AL      Are they going to find us with our legs up in the air?

BUD     Well, I can't speak for Kelly, but they won't find me like that.

KELLY   Yeah, right. Like I've never seen you like that before whenever Pebbles Flintstone wears
        a leopard mini dress.

 Bud and Kelly start at each other but Al pushes them back to their seats.

AL      Hold it now! Now, kids, we're not out here to attack each other. We're here to attack the 
        baby.

 Bud and Kelly shake hands and apologize to each other.


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

 A dark alley
 Peggy and Marcy are pushing a cart loaded with miscellaneous junk. Marcy stops and points at a
 bum.

MARCY   Look, it's my blanket. 

 The bum blows his nose on Marcy's blanket. Marcy and Peggy approach him.

MARCY   Mr. Edwin Johannsen?

BUM     Indeed.

MARCY   Sir, I understand that you recently attended an auction, where you purchased my old baby
        blanket, which was knitted by my gamma Judy, and which I used to comfort myself and to
        suffocate my imaginary friend Jennifer. I can see that it means a great deal to you by
        the way that it houses your collection of broken glass and mucus, but I must have it
        back, at any price.

BUM     A hundred grand.

MARCY   [threateningly] How about a chop to the Adam's apple?

 Peggy pushes Marcy aside.

PEGGY   Easy, Marcy. Let me handle this. [to bum] Now look, Al - oh, I mean Edwin. [to Marcy]
        Gee, I wonder how I could've made a mistake like that. [to bum] I have here a gift
        certificate for a free pair of women's shoes.

BUM     [with sarcasm] I've dared to dream it and now it comes true. [shakes head]

MARCY   Peggy, no. I feel guily. I can't have you spend your coupons on me.

PEGGY   Oh, Marcy, don't worry about it. I've got thousands of these. I steal 'em out of the cash 
        register when Al's not looking. [to bum] So wadaya say, Edwin?

BUM     Make it five hundred dollars' worth of shoes and we've got a deal.

 Peggy gives the bum a handful of coupons.

MARCY   Five hundred dollars??

PEGGY   Oh, Marcy, I give away more than that at Halloween. Kids just love 'em. [to bum] Gimme
        this blanket.

 Peggy takes Marcy's blanket from the bum and hands it to Marcy, who adds it to the cart. The two 
 of them start to leave, then stop and turn back to the bum.

PEGGY   Uh, tell me, sir, how has society turned its back on you? The plant closed down, the farm 
        went under, what? Can I help you get a job?

BUM     I already have a job: school teacher.

 Peggy pats the bum's shoulder consolingly and hands him a few more coupons. She and Marcy walk
 away.


ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

 Al, Bud and Kelly are still having their anti-baby meeting around the kitchen table. Al is
 making a list.

AL      Well, demand 340... What else do we want?

KELLY   Love and affection.

AL      No, we said it had to be something we all want.

BUD     Hey, I want clean dry sheets.

 Al and Kelly look at him oddly.

BUD     [uneasily] Well, you know, 'cause it gets humid in my room.

KELLY   Yes, dancing with a rubber woman can make any room a jungle.

 Al writes Bud's demand down. We hear Jefferson moan from the living room. The three Bundys look
 over. Jefferson, now sitting on the couch, appears to be daydreaming.

AL      Ah, look at him over there. He's probably just sitting there thinking up of ways to make
        it up to Marcy.

KELLY   Yeah. It is kind of sweet when you think about it.

 Dissolve to: Jefferson's daydream
 Jefferson, holding an acoustic guitar and wearing a flowered shirt, is standing in front of a
 painted tree. He strums a chord.

JEFF    [singing and occasionally strumming a chord] Lemon tree very pretty, and the lemon flower
        is sweet. [starts dancing in place while drumming on the guitar's body] But the fruit of
        the poor lemon is impossible to eat.

 Four scantily clad babes - Topsy, Mopsy, Bathsheba and Salmoe - run up to Jefferson, screaming,
 and push up against him.

BATHSH  Play it again, magic balladeer!

TOPSY   I'm Topsy.

MOPSY   I'm Mopsy.

TOPSY   We're twins, and we're your biggest fans.
MOPSY   We're twins, and we're your biggest fans.

 Jefferson laughs stupidly.

SALMOE  What a crummy fantasy.

JEFF    Yeah, I know, but my wife's mad at me. It's hard to concentrate. Hey, here's a little
        something I know you girls have been wanting to ask me. [singing] "Do you wanna dance
        under the moonlight?"

 The girls start to scream again and begin caressing Jefferson.

JEFF    I know, I know.

 As Jefferson and the girls slide out of view we fade back to reality. The Bundys are watching
 Jefferson fantasize.

AL      He must be in great pain.

 We see Jefferson fondling a pillow.

AL      Okay, so we're agreed. We show this list to your mother, and we hold firm to our demands
        - rights of the born. Can I get a 'woah, born'?

 Al holds out his hand, Bud and Kelly put theirs on top of it and they 'woah, born'.
 Angle on Jefferson

JEFF    [daydreaming, still fondling the pillow] Oh, I - I think you know what you have to do for
        backstage passes. [grins widely] Ooh.

AL      I can't stand to see him torturing himself like this. Let's throw him out in the street.

 Bud and Kelly agree and the three of them get up and approach Jefferson.


ACT TWO

SCENE FOUR

 A poor Hispanic family's home, somewhere in Chicago
 Peggy and Marcy knock and the mother of the family, Mrs. Garcia, opens then door.

MARCY   Mrs. Garcia?

MRS. G  Yes.

MARCY   You'll be glad to know that this is the last stop on an arduous journey to recover the
        lost furniture of my childhood.

MRS. G  What?

 Marcy looks past Mrs. Garcia and sees her three children doing their homework at what used to be 
 Marcy's desk.

MARCY   My desk! My little desk!

 Marcy runs over to the desk.

MARCY   [to children] Do you mind??

 She shoos the children away. Two of them run to their mother and one, Jorge, remains seated.
 Marcy pushes everything off the desk, presses her face against it and kisses it.

PEGGY   [to Mrs. Garcia] Uh, while my friend is paddling down the river of insanity, perhaps we
        could talk.

 Peggy notices a plate with three pieces of chicken in it.

PEGGY   Ooh, chicken! May I?

MRS. G  Oh, please do. We keep it out for intruders.

PEGGY   [talking while eating] Anyway, it's about this desk. You see, my friend would really like
        to buy it. It means a lot to her.

 Angle on Marcy and Jorge

MARCY   [smiling insanely] ...And over here is where imaginary Jennifer would sit. I bet she'd
        like some nice, scalding tea in her face. What do you think, Jorge?

JORGE   [frightened] Mom!

PEGGY   Uh, anyway, we don't have any money, but we have a thousand dollars' worth of shoe
        coupons. You see, in this country, my husband is a very powerful man. He's a shoe
        salesman.

MRS. G  Really? In my country shoe salesmen are laughed at by beggars and the feeble.

PEGGY   Our countries are very much alike. Do we have a deal?

MRS. G  Well, I am very touched by your offer, and by your friend's insanity, but to my family
        this desk is a symbol of America. It is the very first thing that we bought in this
        country, and we wanted to pass it down through generation and generation in our family as 
        a symbol of - of hope and freedom. For although we are not Americans, our children can
        be.

 Marcy looks at Mrs. Garcia insanely.


ACT TWO

SCENE FIVE

 The Bundy living room
 Peggy and Marcy enter, Marcy carrying her pink desk.

MARCY   All that highfalutin talk about hope and freedom sure didn't last through the threat of
        calling immigration!

 Marcy laughs madly, stroking her desk.

PEGGY   You're a mighty sick woman, Marcy.

MARCY   Maybe so, maybe so, but I'm a sick woman with a desk.

 Marcy looks behind the couch and sees that Jefferson is gone.

MARCY   Where's Jefferson??

 Al, Kelly and Bud come down the stairs, wearing their anti-baby hats.

AL      He's out in the backyard, singing "Tiny Bubbles" to Buck. But that's not important. Me
        and the kids have something to say to you, and all pregnoids like you. Tell 'em, kids.

PEGGY   [threateningly] What?

 Bud and Kelly look at each other. A beat, then:

BUD     We love you, Mommy.
KELLY   We love you, Mommy.

 Al's eyes widen.

KELLY   Mom, you should've heard the things Dad was saying about you and the baby. 

BUD     Yeah, he was gonna make you do the laundry.

KELLY   Yeah. He made us wear these hats!

 Bud and Kelly take their hats off. Al does too.

AL      [horrified] That's untrue! That's untrue!

MARCY   [to Peggy] Well, I handled my husband. What are you gonna do?

 Peggy and Marcy look at Al and the kids. Flip to:


ACT TWO

SCENE SIX

 Jefferson, in his balladeer clothes, is standing in front of the painted tree, being caressed by
 the four babes. They're all giggling. We see Al making himself coffee somewhere nearby. Al walks 
 over to Jefferson and the girls, looking somewhat stunned. 

JEFF    Hey, Al, what are you doing in my fantasy?

AL      I dunno! The last thing I remember a frying pan bounced off my head, and... But don't
        mind me, I'm on my way to my own fantasy. [looks around at the babes] Girls, there's...
        there's a Porsche in my fantasy.

 The girls gather around Al and accompany him offscreen. Jefferson is left alone.

JEFF    Hey!