Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy D'Arcy
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley............Jefferson D'Arcy
Buck the Dog............Buck

Guest Cast:

Monty Hoffman...........Bartender
Joey Sagal..............Man with nose
Lisa Saxton.............Girl Vendor
Cyndi Pass..............Girl Dancer



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

Kelly and Bud are in the living room, assembling an intercom.
Al is sitting at the kitchen table reading a magazine called "Pregnant Father". 
He turns around to tell the kids about something in the magazine.

AL      Hey, here's something interesting: for just forty-nine dollars and ninety-five
        cents, us dads can buy "buckle-on baby". You get a 50 pound sack of fluid to 
        strap on your belly so you can experience the wonder of child-bearing. And, the
        excruciating pain of a hernia for one low price.

He smiles, puts down the magazine, gives a little laugh and sits on the couch next to Kelly.

AL      I don't know about you kids, but ah, I'm really happy about the new baby. The gods
        must be on a roll, eh? They must be playing another round of "Can You Top This". 
        The first one said "Let's make him a shoe salesman", another one said "Let's 
        give him a redhead." Another one, probably a cruel, hungover god, said, "I know, 
        I know - let's have him not eat, yet not starve."

KELLY   Yes, Daddy, but the gods showed you they loved you when they gave you us.

AL      Well, give them gods a Miller. Can someone please tell me how this happened??

He hangs his head in his hands.

KELLY   Well, Dad, when the ovum is imbedded securely in the wall of the uterus, sperm, 
        after about 2 or 3 days of swimming, if properly positioned, penetrates the wall of 
        the egg. And then the stork comes and it's a baby!

AL      Bud, in all matters except vandalism and fashion, I want you to be in charge of
        educating the baby.

BUD     Hey, you do the crime, you do the time.

AL      God, I feel like Exxon: one spill, I'm paying for it for the rest of my life!

Al again holds his head in is hands and Kelly puts her arm around him.

KELLY   Oh, come on, Daddy, look on the bright side. I mean, how long can the rest of your
        life be?

BUD     [standing] Come on, Kel. Can't you see the man's plotting his next sexcapade? 
        Let's finish setting up this intercom.

Bud and Kelly start their way upstairs.

AL      What intercom?

BUD     The one Mom wants us to put in every single room so you can't have one moment's peace.

KELLY   Sorry Dad. You wet your bed, now lie in it.

They exit upstairs. Al turns on the TV.

AL      Well, I'll turn on the TV, at least that can't reproduce - damn shame, but thank God
        I don't have to hear anymore talk about babies!

Al turns the station to "Mork and Mindy".

TV      Nannu, nannu, you're pregnant, Mindy.

Al winches and changes the station, this time to "Bonanza".

TV      What a lovely baby. Where'd you find it, Hoss?

Al cringes and changes the station once more, this time to "Lassie".

TV      What's that you say, Lassie? Our cow just had a baby and you ate the placenta?

Peggy and Marcy enter. They watch Al.
Al desperately tries to find something to watch on TV and flicks the channels quickly.

TV      My baby... [different channel] Her baby... [different channel] El Nino... 
        [different channel] Babies are under...

A disgusted Al switches the TV off altogether. He screams in sadness and holds his head in
his hands.

PEGGY   God, this is how I left him.

Peg and Marcy sit on couch either side of Al.

MARCY   You'll never guess where we went, Al. To Madame Rachel, the Baby Psychic. 
        She was amazing. For starters, she knew that I felt bloated, had morning 
        sickness and that my nipples hurt.

AL      I didn't think that was possible with "innies".

PEGGY   Al, don't you want to hear what the psychic had to say about our baby?

AL      Oh please, Peg, can't we hear more about Marcy's nipples?

MARCY   Well, gee, Al, if we're so boring, then maybe we should talk about something that
        interests you? [mimes holding a microphone] For starters, let's talk about what goes
        through your mind at that exciting moment when you sell a shoe.

She holds the fake microphone to Al's lips. He laughs.

Al      Well, I always think, "How can someone buy something so cheap and ugly and stupid?"
        And then I think, "Hells bells! Someone knocked up the next door neighbor so
        anything's possible!"

PEGGY   Oh yeah, honey, anything's possible. Except both of us being satisfied after sex.
        [she laughs, then talks to her stomach] Oh, that was a good one, wasn't it?
        [chuckles] We got your daddy good. Come on, Al, laugh with the baby.

AL     [cringing] I don't wanna! 

PEGGY   You know, honey, if someone didn't know you, they'd think you weren't happy about
       this impending birth.

AL      Well, I'm happy about it. I mean, after all, it's something that we planned for! 
        Oh, I love the baby, everyone loves the baby!

A drilling noise is heard from upstairs and Bud and Kelly's voices are heard through the
intercom.

BUD     [O.S.] God, I HATE the baby.

KELLY   [O.S.] I hate Mom.

Peggy, Al and Marcy stare at the intercom.
Bud and Kelly are then visible in Al and Peggy's bedroom, setting up the intercom.

KELLY   I mean, you can't blame Dad, he's a stupid animal, but Mom knew what she was doing.

BUD     Uh, Kelly, is that button on?

KELLY   Of course not. One says "on" and one says "off". How stupid do you think I am?

Bud ponders this thought.
We see the living room again.

BUD     [O.S] Uh, well, I for one LOVE the baby! 

Peggy nods approvingly and Al mouths something unapprovingly about Bud's comment.

KELLY   [O.S.] What do you mean? Why are you poking at me, Gnome?... Oh, they can hear us? 
        I wuv the baby, too... and I really, really, really love Mom. Which damn button is 
        "on"? Why do they both have to start with an O?

The intercom is switched off.
Al looks at Peggy.

AL      And soon there'll be three.

Marcy sighs.

MARCY   I wish Jefferson was here. [leaning towards Al] Rub my belly.

Al looks at her in disgust. Peggy leans in towards Al also.

PEGGY   He's my husband and he's rubbing MY belly.

AL      I'm not rubbing any occupied bellies, I'm a human being!

Peggy and Marcy begin to cry. In desperation, Al rubs both their bellies. 
The women sigh happily.

AL      Oh yeah, soon I'll be partying like 1999.

PEGGY   Isn't this nice?

MARCY   You should have Jefferson do this. You can just feel the fatherhood flow through
        you.

PEGGY   Al, I don't feel the fatherhood flowing through me.

AL      [evilly] Well, you may not have felt it, but it's obviously there.

PEGGY   That's not the first time he said that to me. [She and Marcy laugh at Al. Peggy
        holds her stomach] Got him good again! Come on, Al, laugh with the baby!

AL      I don't wanna! Besides, I don't, I don't even think you're pregnant. I think that's
        a ten gallon can of ice cream down there. [he laughs] Come on Peg, laugh with 
        the ulcer.

PEGGY   Now don't make the baby hate you. Rub!

Peggy and Marcy both lean towards Al and begins rubbing their bellies again. 
They sigh happily.

MARCY   God, he's depressing. I want Jefferson.

PEGGY   So do I.

AL      So do I!

MARCY   Well, at least he'll be here soon. He's out getting me a Wave Machine. At the Baby
        Expo, at the "hundred dollar and over" booth, we learned that babies like the sound
        of water.

PEGGY   Al, I want a Wave Machine.

AL      Oh Peg, I think the baby's getting plenty of "waves" what with the turbulence of 
        your daily arrival of your four Grand Slam breakfasts!

MARCY   Have you tried the six-corndog special at Bippy's?

PEGGY   Every day on the way to Flapjack Johnny's.

MARCY   Have you ever transported one of Bippy's corndogs to Johnny's and wrapped it up 
        in a flapjack?

PEGGY   Oh, you mean with the ranch dressing and those chunky croutons from The Salad Tub?

They laugh.

PEGGY   Now that's eatin'!
MARCY   Now that's eatin'!

AL      Peg, Peg, speaking of eating, I too would enjoy...

PEGGY   [cutting him off] Less talk, more rub.

Al reluctantly rubs their bellies again. Peggy and Marcy sigh once more.

PEGGY   So Al, when do I get my Wave Machine?

AL      Not gettin' one.

PEGGY   But you don't even know how much it cost!

AL      Well, I didn't think it was important since I'm getting one.

PEGGY   Al, you don't Marcy's baby to be smarter than ours, do you?

AL      Peg, our other two kids didn't have a Wave Machine and look how they turned out!

Kelly and Bud appear at the top of the stairs.

KELLY   Mom, Bud has more fingers than I do!

Peggy, Al and Marcy are staring at her in disbelief.

PEGGY   Uh... well, honey, did you try counting on both hands?

Kelly thinks about this, then turns angrily towards Bud.

KELLY   Hey!

Kelly and Bud go back upstairs.

AL      That's not because they didn't have a Wave Machine, that was because your parents
        were brother and sister!

PEGGY   That is not true. They just started to look alike when Mom's hair fell out. Oh, 
        come on, Al, I want a Wave Machine. It's only 329 dollars!

AL      Oh, thank you, God. That's exactly the price of my Socket Wrench Set.

PEGGY   You know, this is amazing. You are actually gonna tell me that you would rather
        spend that money on a socket set than on the fruit of your loins!

She begins to cry.

AL      Aw Peg, you know I've had my heart set on that socket... What?

PEGGY   Oh Al! Now look what you've done! I'm crying! And so's the babyyyyy! Aaaahhh!

Al seems unsure about what to do. Marcy then begins to cry also.

MARCY   Allll! I'm crying too! I hope you're happy!

PEGGY   RUB OUR BELLIES!!
MARCY   RUB OUR BELLIES!!

Al cries out in exasperation and squeezes himself between Peggy and Marcy to get up.

AL      Hold it! Enough! Enough! [the crying ceases] I'm getting up, now you see me going.

PEGGY   Really, Al? You're really going?

AL      Yes, Peg. I'm really going.


FLIP TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

The Paternity Ward - a bus terminal with a bar. 
Al, seated at the bar with a beer, is visible between the legs of a table dancer. 
Al is looking up at the girl with content and snapping his fingers. Music plays. 
A voice comes over the PA system.

P.A.    Bus to Scranton now leaving, Gate Fifteen.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Still at the bar/bus terminal.
The bartender serves Al a beer through the legs of the girl, who then walks away. 
There is a man seated next to Al with his head hiding in his arms, holding a beer.

TENDER  Another one, Buddy?

AL      God, what a great place. I mean, it's genius! A bar hooked up to the Public Address
	system at the bus terminal so you don't miss your connection for leaving your wife!

TENDER  Well, forget about the cheap bimbos, think of the place class. So-whoa, where ya
        headed, pal?

AL      Oh, I don't know. Somewhere where there's a lot of girls and no women.

TENDER  Ah, LA. [Al nods and winks at him knowingly] You might want to use one of our new
        instant ID machines.

A black man is looking at the new instant ID machines. One is called "Social Security Cards
While You Wait". He is wearing a Caucasian nose and puts some money in a machine with the
sign "Disguises To Go". He retrieves a fake moustache and beard disguise, puts it on and leaves.

AL      It's genius!

A female vendor with huge hooters walks around, selling IDs, etc.

VENDOR  Hair dye! Get your hair dye! False moustaches!

P.A.    Bus to Dakota now leaving, Gate Six.

Two men stand up, and put on a disguise each.

MAN     Let her try and find me now!

They pick up their suitcases and leave.
Al is waving some money at the dancer who walks back over to Al and takes his money, only 
Al won't let go of it. Al starts talking to man hiding next to him.

AL      Hey, you wanna hear a sad story? [taps him on the shoulder] My wife's having another
        baby and I think it's mine, the end.

DANCER  Hey buddy, are you gonna let go of that dollar?

AL      Oh, I'm sorry, here ya go.

Al keeps his grasp on to the money until the girl snatches it away from him. 
Al continues his chat with the guy next to him.

AL      My next door neighbor's having baby, too. God, what a weenie. He even has a weenie
        name: Jefferson...

Al turns away to get some nuts.
The man next to him slowly raises his head while Al keeps talking. The man is Jefferson.

AL      ... Mr. Perfect Husband. Waiting on his furry face of a wife. I tell ya something,
        when that guy rolls over in bed in the morning and has to look at that... 
        [he turns around to him Jefferson staring at him] Hey, Jefferson!! I was just 
        talking about the neighbor... on the other side. Um, his name's Jefferson, 
        he's having a baby too, what do ya think about that?? [he laughs nervously] 
        So, what are you doing here?

JEFF    I'm running like river when the snow melts. It was the baby expo, Al. It broke me.
        You should've seen it, it was nothing but acres of fat pregnant women, wearing...
        keds. [he takes a shot] Why are you running, Al?

AL      Can you look at me and seriously ask that? You don't take a oxen that's been working
        with his yoke for twenty years, take his yoke off and say, "Oh just kidding! 
        Here's a heavier yoke for ya, old fella! Toss it on and rub my belly!"

JEFF    You should rub the belly I've been rubbing.

AL      I have.

Al starts crying. Jefferson pats him on the back.


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

The Bundy living room.
Bud is sitting on the couch, listening to some crunching sounds coming from the intercom.
Kelly comes downstairs and sits on the back of the couch.

KELLY   Whatchya watchin'?

BUD     Nothing, I'm just listening to Mom eat on the intercom.

KELLY   Is there anything left for us to eat? 

BUD     Oh, sure, Kel. Why don't you go up and stick you hand through the door and see 
        what happens?

Peggy continues to chew.

KELLY   Well, I can see that the only chance of me getting food, love or attention 
        anymore is if the baby comes out looking like you. [She laughs at her own joke] 
        But then again, what are the chances of Mom having TWO circus monkeys? Why, the odds 
        must be [holds up her fingers] one in nine!

She laughs.
Peggy is still eating and her voice comes through the intercom.

PEGGY   Excuse me, is there anybody down there? My bucket of tapioca is empty!

Bud and Kelly go out into the kitchen to where a huge bucket of tapioca is. 

KELLY   Oh Bud, look what we've become. Pudding slaves to mount Mom. 

Bud grabs a bucket and Kelly shovels some of the slop into it.

BUD     Yeah. Yeah, I don't know how Dad can put up with it. I mean, after all he's been
        through, he's actually out doing something nice for Mom.

KELLY   Well, good. Then he'll be home soon and he can fill her trough. Wanna go to a movie?

BUD     I can't. You know I checked that box under my bed? [Kelly nods] Someone stole all
        my money.


FLIP TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

Al is handing dollar bill after dollar bill to the dancer. 
When he runs out of money, she walks away.

JEFF    Al? [Al watches the girl walk away and Jefferson hits him for attention] 
        Al? Look, just because we're leaving our pregnant wives alone to fend for themselves 
        without a cent in the world doesn't make us bad people, does it?

AL      Heck, no! Many's the great American before us who have skipped out on the needy.
        Take, for example, the rifleman. He knew not to hang out with his wife. You know, 
        I always suspected that's who was blown to smithereens before the start of each show.

JEFF    You know, Al, I've been thinking. I mean, I'm almost done with the first trimester.
        I mean, what if the worst is over and it's all good for now on and we miss out on it?

Al laughs.

AL      You know, I'm finally starting to understand how she got you. Let me explain
        something to you. There's no such thing as a trimester. There's actually 
        just one long forty-year-mester. Of course, when they get pregnant it turns into 
        what I call the "mini-mester". That's, you've got your Fat-mester, you've got 
        your Puke-mester, and Lord help us, you've got your Horny-mester.

TENDER  That's when I left.

He gives Al another beer.

JEFF    So, Al, where you gonna go to?

AL      Somewhere where shoe men run wild and free in the big sky. When never is heard of 
        a pregnated word, and the hooters are uncovered all day.

Jefferson wipes a tear from his eye.

JEFF    That's beautiful, Al. That's beautiful.

The huge-hootered vendor babe returns and approaches Al and Jefferson.

VENDOR  Monocles! Family trees! Gum! Gentlemen, would you like to be somebody?

JEFF    Your shirt!

AL      Uh, how much for an ex-football player with a cool name?

VENDOR  Two hundred dollars.

AL      What can I get for a buck?

VENDOR  [offering him a card] Shoe salesman named Al.

Al looks away in disgust.

AL      Gimme some gum.

Al gives her the money and she gives him the gum and she walks away, smiling politely at
Jefferson, who seems in awe of her hooters.

AL      [unwrapping his gum] I'll pick my own name, huh? My new name will be um... [looks 
        at the gum wrapper] ... Bazooka Joe.

JEFF    Damn! Wish I'd thought of that before I decided on [picks up a beer can] Anheuser-
        Busch. Yep, the Buschmeister's going to Seattle. Join up with some friends who 
        have a lobster boat and I'm gonna be The Mighty Fisherman. How 'bout you, Al?

AL      Going to LA. Gonna be The Big White Hooter Hunter. [they pick up their beer glasses]
	God, life is gonna be great for us! 

They clink glasses and begin to sip but stop when they hear the announcer.

P.A.    Bus to Seattle now leaving, gate eleven.

Al and Jefferson pause for moment, then put down their glasses and stand up.

AL      Back to the wives?

JEFF    Yep, back to wives.

AL      But if is she has another baby in the eighteen years, I swear I'm going!

JEFF    Me too!

The dancing girl returns.

AL      I'm going home... Can I have my dollar back?

The dancer gives him some money.

DANCER  Here's five, take a cab.

Al and Jefferson sit back down again.

AL      Can I have some change?


ACT TWO

SCENE FOUR

Peggy is sitting on her bed, surrounded by food. She finishes nibbling on a drumstick and
wipes her fingers.
Al enters with a shopping bag.

PEGGY   Oh hi, honey. Come lay beside me.

Al looks at all the food and stuff on the bed.

AL      There is no "beside you", Peg.

Al moves some food out of the way so he can sit down.

PEGGY   Watch the cookies, honey. [Al sits down] So, you went to the bus station, huh?

AL      How'd you know?

PEGGY   Marcy has Jefferson miked.

Marcy and Jefferson are heard outside.

JEFF    Hi Marcy, I'm home! You look beautiful.

MARCY   Thank you... Anheuser!

Crashing noises are heard. Peggy laughs.

PEGGY   Oh, you just couldn't leave, could you? I knew you wouldn't be able to. You wuv your
        little Pooh Bear, don't you?

Al pats Peggy's belly with his finger.

AL      Pooh!

PEGGY   You do! You do!

They flap their hands at one another.

AL      I really don't!

He gets up.

PEGGY   So Al, what's in the bag? Your socket set, huh? Oh well. You know, if one of our
        children grew up to be a success, who would the street sweepers of tomorrow be?

Al removes something from the bag. Not a socket set, but a mechanical black box. 
He gives it to Peggy.

PEGGY   Oh Al, a Wave Machine! [Al sits on the bed again] Oh, you do care, don't you!  

Peggy leans towards him, expecting a kiss.

AL      Peg, touch me with even one lip, I take it back.

PEGGY   You know, honey, the only reason I wanted this, was so at least one our children
        would have ever opportunity in life. I mean, you saw what not having one did 
        for the other two.

Al laughs.

AL      Ah, what a pair of misfits. [they both laugh] Cause, y'know, Peg, the baby's already
        got one up on the other two: yeah, he's already smarter than Kelly, and he's closer
        to a woman than Bud will ever be!

They both burst out laughing.
Downstairs, Kelly and Bud are sitting on the couch listening to Al and Peggy over the intercom. 
Neither look impressed.

AL      [through the intercom] What a pair of losers!

PEGGY   [through the intercom] Uh, honey, are you sure that intercom is turned off?

AL      [through the intercom] Sure I'm sure. There's an "on" switch and an "off" switch.
        Boy, how dumb do you think I am?

Al and Peggy keep on laughing.
Bud and Kelly look at each other sadly.


  
THE END



SUPERVISING PRODUCER: KEVIN CURRAN
EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: RON LEAVITT AND MICHAEL G. MOYE

DIRECTED BY: GERRY COHEN
WRITTEN BY: KEVIN CURRAN
CREATED BY: MICHAEL G. MOYE AND RON LEAVITT
PRODUCED BY: BARBARA BLACHUT CRAMER

STORY EDITOR: STACIE LIPP
STORY EDITOR: LARRY JACOBSON
CASTING: TAMMARA BILLIK, C.S.A.
CASTING ASSOCIATE: STEEN CRAIG
"LOVE AND MARRIAGE" MUSIC AND LYRICS BY SAMMY CAHN AND JIMMY VAN HEUSEN
MUSIC SUPERVISION: MUCHAEL ANDREAS
ART DIRECTOR: RICHARD IMPROTA
ASSISTANT ART DIRECTOR: JIM YARMER
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR: SAM W. ORENDER
STAGE MANAGERS: RICHARD DRANEY, STEPHANIE SCOTT
PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE: KITTY ROUKE
PRODUCTION COORDINATOR: CARL STUDEBAKER
EDITED BY: LARRY HARRIS
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR: TOM CONKRIGHT
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY: THOMAS W. MARKLE
AUDIO: MARK KING
CAMERAS: MIKE CULP, MARK LACAMERA, JILLAYNE PAUTSCH, DENNIS TURNER
RE-RECORDING: LARRY SULLIVAN, JOHN BICKLEHAUPT
PRODUCTION STAFF: GABRIELLE TOPPING, ROCHELLE E. STATEN, 
R. ANNE BACCHUS, HOLY HESTER, RUTHE PIPER HARDEE, BERT L. COOK
COSTUMES: MARTI M. SQUYRES
PROPERTY MASTER: MIKE SEMON
MAKE-UP: NINA KENT
HAIR STYLIST: DOTTIE MCQUOWN
DOG TRAINER: STEVEN RITT
COPYRIGHT (C) 1991
ELP COMMUNICATIONS
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
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