Regular cast:

Ed O'Neill...............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal..............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse............Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate......Kelly Bundy
David Faustino...........Bud Bundy
Buck the Dog.............Buck

Special Guest Stars:

Joseph Bologna...........Charlie Verducci
Matt Le Blanc............Vinnie Verducci

Featured cast:

Suli McCullough..........Dave
Michael Stanton..........Customer #1
Ron Litman...............Customer #2
Bean Baxter..............Rick Cool

and
Ted McGinley.............Jefferson D'Arcy




ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

 Kelly is sitting on the couch, waiting impatiently. She checks the time then sprays scent onto her neck.
 Bud comes down the stairs and sniffs the air.

BUD)    Arrhh, the ever lilting fragrance of "Eau de Bring 'Em All On". It must be Friday, Kel, 'cause if
        it was Saturday it would be "Essence de Free Clinique".

KELLY)  Gee Bud, it's date night. Shouldn't you be upstairs practicing your French kissing on your stuffed
        Ninja Turtle doll? saying, "Oh Donatello, your shell's so soft."

 Bud sits next to Kelly.

BUD)    Aren't we testy? Could it be that your date isn't the only thing that's late?

KELLY)  He'll be here. I've had guys crawling on their bellies out of flaming auto wrecks to go out with
        me.

 Bud puts an arm around Kelly.

BUD)    Kelly, you might as well hear it from someone who loves you... You're hagged out. Finished. Over.
        But keep your chins up, Kel. Plenty of guys will still call you. They'll just call you:
        "Hey waitress", "Hey you with the broom", "Hey thief."

KELLY)  Save it, Zit-tac-toe. Your words fall off me like water of a duck's quack. Now there's nothing
        wrong with a guy being a little late, it doesn't mean anything.

 Peg comes downstairs and is surprised to see Kelly.

PEGGY)  Kelly, you're home. Oh my God. You've been stood up! [Peggy sits alongside Kelly and hugs her]
        Ohhh, my poor baby. I'll tell you what, we'll get some ovaltine, watch the home shopping network
        and I'll order you a clapper!

 Peggy claps.
 Al gets home from work and hangs up his coat.

PEGGY) Hi Al. Honey, Kelly's been stood up.

AL)     Must bring back memories for you, huh Peg? Anyway, I was driving home, God knows why, and I hear
        this old song on the radio that I used to love but can't remember the name. Now, why is it that
        whenever you hear a song on the radio and you're waiting to hear them name it, it's always number 6
        of 40 in a row?

PEGGY)  Well, stick with it, honey. You figured out how to flush the toilet, you'll figure this one out.

AL)     This is a burning question of our time, and I will not have it trivialised by a woman who thinks
        the TV show "Hunter" is engrossing. Anyhow, the D.J. finally comes on, and instead of telling me
        the name of my song, what does he do? He goes on and on about some massive pile-up on the
        freeway... [Al goes to the refrigerator and takes out a can of beer] '12 dead! 12 dead!' Then he
        kicks off about 500 in-a-row, with Bobby Goldsboro's musical sphincter lock known as "Honey".

KELLY)  Oh God. THIS is what it's like being home on a Friday night?

 Al grabs Bud's hand and hauls him off the couch.

AL)     Bud, Bud, come here. Now, listen to this very carefully and tell me the name of the song... 
        "Mmm Mmm him".

BUD)    I don't know what it is Dad, but if you get the name, me and the gang would sure like to boogie to
        it!

AL)     Get out of my way. [Al pushes Bud aside and sits between Kelly and Peggy] Peg, Peg, you're old, you
        know it... "Mmm Mmm him".

PEGGY)  Clip your nosehairs, Al. When you were humming it looked like a squid was trying to reach out and
        grab the kids.

AL)     Gee, none of my family was any help to me. How unusual.

PEGGY)  Al, must we be the spitbucket in the early round knockout that is your life? As usual, you need
        professional help. So why don't you just call the oldies station - K-FOSSIL - and ask the D.J.?

AL)     I already called. I got Rick Cool himself.

BUD)    Gee, Rick Cool huh? Did Bobby 23 Skidoo quit?

PEGGY)  Al, the suspense is boring us. Tell us what he said.

AL)     He said: "The colors, the colors. Has anybody seen my good friend John?" Then he lit up a banana
        and then he hung up.
        [hums] Mmm Mmm him. Damn! Right on the tip of my tongue.

PEGGY)  Well, then it doesn't have long to live.

AL)     I must have that song. [Al puts down his can of beer and walks around to the back of the couch]
        Maybe it's on the B-side of a record I already have? Peg, where's my record collection that I spent
        my entire youth building?

PEGGY)  Well, they where cluttering up your closet, so I moved them downstairs next to the furnace.

AL)     Good thinking, 'cause nothing brings out the lustre of original records
        better than intense, siring heat. [Walks over to the basement stairs]
        Lousy, redheaded, life-sucking... mosquito.

 The door bell rings.

KELLY)  If that's my date, tell him I am not home.

BUD)    Why don't you tell him?

KELLY)  Good idea. [Walks over and opens the door to Vinnie] I am not home.

VINNIE) Then is it okay if I wait?

BUD)    Mom, if my mixed-up-at-the-hospital theory is correct, I'd say we just found Kelly's natural
        brother.

KELLY)  So, just where were you, while I was wasting my life away with my family?

VINNIE) Well, I wanted to get you something nice.

 Vinnie gives a book to Kelly. Kelly reads the title.

KELLY)  "Garfield Spoils the Picnic"!

VINNI)  That crazy cat gets into everything from the potato salad to the sack races.

 Kelly smiles at Bud and Peggy.

KELLY)  No boy's ever brought me literature before.

VINNIE) Well, my family believes "Say it with words."

 Peggy and Bud share a look.

KELLY)  I just have to get my bag. Oh by the way, this is my mom, and er, the troll that lives under our
        house.

 Kelly rushes off upstairs.

VINNIE) Well, it's nice to meet you. And excuse me, Sir, I was just wondering... doesn't it get lonely under
        the house?

BUD)    Not when you have a bell and a hat.

 Peggy stands up and introduces herself to Vinnie.

PEGGY)  Hi I'm Peggy, and I know what you are thinking. How can a woman barely out of highschool herself,
        possibly be the mother to a teenage daughter?

VINNIE) Actually I was wondering if we have trolls under my building? I mean, sometimes I hear noises. My
        dad says it's the pipes, [glances over at Bud] but now I wonder.

 Peggy gives Bud a look of sheer exasperation.
 Bud gets up and does a troll-like jig.

BUD)    Look! I am not a troll, I'm boy, you idiot!

 Al emerges from the basement, carrying a mass of melted black vinyl.

AL)     Well, I just poured through my record collection... literally.

 Al turns over the melted records, and a black liquid pours out.

VINNIE) Uh, hi, Mr. Bundy.

AL)     Vinnie... Vinnie Verducci... Charlie's boy! Peg, You remember Charlie? Charlie! You met him at our
        wedding.

PEGGY)  Oh yeah, a lovely man. [to Vinnie] When you see your father, ask him if he's done with my mother's
        cigarette lighter.

 Peggy sits down on the couch again.

AL)     [to Vinnie] In defence of your father, she was bending over. He might have thought that, you know,
        someone might have left it in the folds of a couch. [to Bud] Bud! You ought to start hanging around
        with this guy. The girls can't keep their hands off him. [to Vinnie] What brings you here?

BUD)    He's taking Kelly out!

 Al grabs Vinnie by the throat.

AL)     Touch her and I'll hang you with your own colon!

 Kelly comes downstairs, carrying her black leather jacket.

BUD)    Hey, Kel, come here. Five bucks says that this guy won't even touch you.

KELLY)  You're on. No guy has ever gone out with me and not touched me. Vinnie, I'm ready.

 Kelly leans forward to kiss him and Vinnie backs away from her. Kelly is puzzled by Vinnie's reaction and
 she glances over at Bud, hoping that he did not notice.
 Kelly and Vinnie leave. Bud disappears also.

AL)     Mmm Mmm him... Mmm Mmm him.

 Al sits next to Peggy on the couch.

PEGGY)  Well honey, we're finally alone. I know what will take your mind off that record for a minute - You
        could make love to me 4 times!

AL)     Peg, when I said I was after an oldie, I meant but a goodie. Now, surely there must be someone
        around here old enough to know that song?

 Marcy and Jefferson enter.

MARCY)  Hi Peggy.

JEFF)   Hi!

MARCY)  Listen, Jefferson and I were thinking of going to the movies.

PEGGY)  Well, I don't think that we can go with you.

MARCY)  Well, we didn't want you to come with us, but we need to know what's playing, and Al stole our
        paper again.

AL)     How did you know it was me?

JEFF)   Well, we found one of your straws in our Sparklets bottle.

 Al stands up in front of Marcy and Jefferson.

AL)     Listen, while you are here, let me ask you a question. See if you can name this song: Mmm Mmm him.

MARCY)  You know, when he hums the hair in his ear moves in and out like child's party favor!

PEGGY)  Yeah, and the nosehairs, they sort of spread like a geisha girl fan.

AL)     [to Peg] That's right. Keep dancing on the minefield.
        [To Marcy and Jefferson] Now concentrate! Mmm Mmm him.

MARCY)  "Itsy Bitsy Spider"?

AL)     No!

JEFF)   "Go tell Pharaoh.'

AL)     NO. Come on! It's a song from my youth.

PEGGY)  "Look it's a Wheel"?

AL)     Peg... honey, before we're all knee-deep in your blood, why don't you go over by the radio and
        listen to see if they play my song?

PEGGY)  You're just determined to win that Nobel Puhtz prize this year, aren't you, honey?

 Peggy gets up and walks over to the telephone.
 Al leads Marcy and Jefferson to the couch and they all sit down.

AL)     Listen, I have the perfect plan to figure this whole thing out. Now, what we'll do is, we'll just
        sit here and we'll named every song that was ever made until we get it. Now I'll start. "Mandy".

JEFF)   Ah, 'Dem bones, Dem bones'...

MARCY)  [to Jefferson] Oh, shut up. I've told you never to play with this man. [to Al] Now, give it up Al,
        I'm sure there is no such song. It's probably a shoe hallucination. I mean your face is in feet all 
        day long, something's gotta give. Why not something fragile like your mind?

AL)     It is a song, Rick Cool played it, I heard it and I will find it - or die trying.
        Peg! Have they played the song yet?

 Peggy is talking on the telephone to a live phone-in radio show.

PEGGY)  Shhh.

RADIO)  Our next call on "Why Me?" comes once again from Peggy B, calling from the Bundy household. You're
        on Peggy. What's Al done this time?

PEGGY)  Well, he heard a song and he can't remember the name of it, so he's holding me and the neighbors
        hostage. Help us, help us. He's mad I tell you, mad...!

 Al races over to Peg, snatches the phone from her grasp and slams down the receiver.

AL)     MAD, am I? I'm not doing anything any rational man wouldn't do! Now you get that oldies station
        back on, or the walls will be your tomb - ALL OF YOU!

 Jefferson and Marcy hurry over to the radio and listen to the oldies station.

PEGGY)  Oh come on Al, the chances of them playing that song is a million to one. It's just...

 The song begins to play on The Rick Cool radio show.

AL)     [dancing] GO WITH HIM... GO WITH HIM... GO WITH HIM... GO WITH HIM... THAT MUST BE THE NAME OF MY
        SONG!

 The song ends.

RICK)   Ga-roovy song, wasn't it? You know, a lot of people think that the name of that song is "Go with
        him", but it's NOT!

AL)     WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS IT?

RICK)   Well, here's our third song of 5,000 in a row. We're going for the world's record, two full years
        of uninterrupted music! This is Rick Cool, the Fifth Monkey, heading home to his depressing studio
        apartment on the po' side of town.

 A Radio jingle plays: "He's Rick Cool, for the middle-aged."
 Al holds his head in disbelief.



ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

 Kelly and Vinnie are sitting on the couch, laughing at the pictures in the Garfield book.

VINNIE) Eh look, Garfield got his whiskers full of mayonnaise. Oh oh, here come the ants...

KELLY)  Oh enough! [Kelly snatches the book away from Vinnie] I want to talk to you. [Kelly notices another
        picture in the book] Oh look the ants are carrying off the lasagne. [pronounced as "la-sag-nee"]

 Kelly purses her lips, expecting Vinnie to kiss her.
 A miniature devil appears on Vinnie's right shoulder.

DEVIL)  Oh, grab her, you've got worse beatings for less.

 Vinnie then looks down at his left shoulder, where a miniature angel appears.

ANGEL)  What you looking at me for? If I wasn't so tiny, I would be wild-thinging her myself!

VINNIE) You really think so?

ANGEL)  Go go go go go go go...
DEVIL)  Go go go go go go go...

 Vinnie takes the book from Kelly and tosses it behind the couch. Buck cries out as the book hits him, then
 he runs upstairs. Kelly grabs Vinnie and lays down on the couch, pulling him on top of her. 
 Before anything can happen, Al comes downstairs dressed in his pajamas and moaning.
 Kelly and Vinnie quickly sit up properly.

AL)     Arrhh, arrhh. I hate my life. Can't eat, can't sleep, can't bury the wife in the backyard. I'm
        beside myself with depression. 
        [Al sits on the couch between Kelly and Vinnie] Did you ever have anything, that you were so close
        to, it was literally on the tip of your tongue, but you just couldn't quite get it?

KELLY)  Yes!
VINNIE) Yes!

 Peggy comes downstairs, dressed in her night-gown and carrying a tube of ointment.

PEGGY)  Al, honey, if you're gonna bring the Preparation H to bed, could you at least remember to put the
        top back on? [She moves Kelly over and sits next to Al] I mean, God, it just takes me forever to 
        scrub it out of the sheets with your toothbrush.

AL)     I got bigger things on my mind now, Peg. That song is haunting me.

VINNIE) You know, Mr. Bundy, If you're really looking for a record, my father knows every oldie ever made.

PEGGY)  Oh no, Al, please, if my feelings means anything to you, you will not invite that man to my home.


FLIP TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

 Kelly, Peggy, Al and Vinnie are still sitting on the couch, but Charlie is now sitting between Peg and Al.
 Al sings the tune to Charlie.

AL)     Go with him...

CHARLI) Mighty familiar, Al. You came to the right guy.

AL)     Do you know the song?

CHARLI) No, but I do know the complete theme to the Patty Duke show... [sings] Well they're cousins,
        identical cousins all their lives. They walk alike, they talk alike...
        [speaks] Why not? They're both Patty Duke!

PEGGY)  Gee, Charlie, you're still the same clown prince of unemployment you were when those shoes and shirt 
        were in style.

CHARLI) It's that cigarette lighter that I found in a couch at your wedding, isn't it? Let me explain about
        that. You see, to you, that lighter was just a sterling silver antique cigarette lighter, with your
        mother's initials on it, in pure gold with one diamond. But to me, it was a keepsake of the memory 
        of the most beautiful bride I've ever seen. A memory that remained with me long after I hocked the
        lighter. And if I may say so, Peggy, that beauty has not faded one bit.

PEGGY)  Really, Charlie? That's so sweet.

CHARLI) Hey. It's right from the heart. I mean, when I look at your face the only words that come from my
        mind are... "Final Vinyl"! That's the store you have to go to get that record, Al. Final Vinyl.

AL)     Peg, didn't I tell you that this man was great? Oh, er, by the way Charlie, how about that 20 bucks
        you own me? You know, it's only been 10 years.

CHARLI) I must take my leave now. Come, Vincent. Goodbye to you Al, and to your two lovely daughters.
 
PEGGY)  Charlie...

CHARLI) Yes, Enchantress?

PEGGY)  [Shows her bare arm] My watch.

CHARLI) [Pulls out the watch] I was gonna get it engraved for you. [tosses the watch back to Peg] Till we
         meet again. [to Vinnie] Did you get anything?

VINNIE) No.

CHARLI) Too bad, they've got some nice stuff.

 They leave.


ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

 The Final Vinyl record store.
 The customers queue up to hum two or three notes of a song to Dave the store clerk. Dave is able to name
 the song, the artist and where the record is located in the store.

DAVE)   "Green Door" by Jim Lowe.

CUST 1) Uhhm Uhhm with the uhhmm and a knife.

DAVE)   "Wolverton Mountain", Claude King, Isle 3.

CUST 2) Uhhhhmmmmmm Flow yeeeeaahhhh.

DAVE)   "Any Day Now", Chuck Jackson, Isle 4.

AL)     Peg, this guy's a genius! We're home! [sings to Dave] Go with him.

DAVE)   Never heard of it. Next?

AL)     What a surprise. [Looks up] Thank you, not even this, ahh. What is it? Is Oprah right? Are you a
        big, fat woman? [Al gets down on his knees] All I wanted was a forty-five, a stinking forty-five...
        the record or the gun... I'd even settle for the damned malt liquor. Just this once, can you show
        that you can love even Al Bundy?

 The jukebox starts playing Al's song.

AL)     That's it! That's my song! [starts dancing] Thank you, thank you. I'll be back for only one more
        request - it involves a thunderbolt and... [secretly points at Peg]
        [to Dave] That's my song! That's my song! [sees the record playing] That's 'Anna'! 'Anna' on the
        jukebox! I want it. How much is it?

DAVE)   Well, since you're a good customer and obviously a ranting, raving loon, you can have it for sixty
        dollars.

PEGGY)  Sixty dollars?? For a record!? Hey, look, you must look at my husband and mistake crazy for stupid.
        He's not paying you sixty dollars for a record and if he does I will kiss your...


ACT TWO

SCENE FOUR

 Al and Peg arrive home from the record store.
 Peggy is spitting the taste from her mouth of whatever it was that she kissed. Al is delicately carry his
 prized record on his folded-up jacket.

AL)     Peg, this is the best sixty dollars I've ever spent. Except for the day before the day I met you,
        this is the happiest day of my life. Peg, I'm going to play this record over and over again until my 
        ears bleed! Honey, where's my record player?

 Al carefully puts down the record onto the coffee table in front of the couch.

PEGGY)  With all your stuff, in a box in a corner of the basement.

 Al leads Peg to the basement door.

AL)     Honey, come with me while I get it. I want you to share my joy. After you, my love.

PEGGY)  Well, at least you're acting like a gentleman. I'm just not sure why?

 Peggy leads the way down the basement stairs and then screams as she falls.

AL)     Thank you, honey. I couldn't remember which step was loose.

 Al safely walks downstairs.
 Kelly returns home, closely followed by Vinnie. They both sit on the couch.

KELLY)  Well, another great night. Look, you have to tell me right now. Why do you keep asking your
        shoulders if you should go for it? I mean, are they magic shoulders? If shoulders are talking about
        me, I have a right to know.

VINNIE) No, there's nothing on my shoulder. Some say not even my head, but I digest. Nothing. It is just as
        the poet said; "'twas the wind", No - "twas the raven", No. Actually, "'twas a quoth..."

KELLY)  Oh, enough! If I wanted intelligent conversation, I'd still be dating my teachers. Now kiss me or I
        will kill you. [they kiss] Now, that didn't hurt, did it?

VINNIE) No. Actually it ranks right up there with finding money in the street.

KELLY)  Well, then what took you so long?

VINNIE) Well, actually I was afraid of your father. But, as we all learned from that moving Jimmy Pearsall
        story, "You have nothing to fear, but fear strikes out" - Churchill, I believe. And besides, your
        father likes me. I think we're gonna be great friends.

 Vinnie relaxes back with his arm around Kelly. 
 He puts his feet up onto the coffee table and accidentally smashes Al's record.



THE END


The CLOSING CREDITS feature "Anna (Go With Him)" instead of the regular theme music.


EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: MICHAEL G. MOYE & RON LEAVITT
DIRECTED BY: GERRY COHEN
WRITTEN BY:  BILL PRADY
CREATED BY:  RON LEAVITT & MICHAEL G. MOYE
PRODUCED BY: BARBARA BLACHUT CRAMER

Casting Tammara Billik C.S.A.
Casting associate Steve Craig
Executive in charge of casting Rick Jacobs
"Love and Marriage" Music and Lyrics by Sammy Cahn and Jimmy Van Helsen
Music supervision Michael Andreas
Art director Richard Improta
Associate Director Sam W. Orender
Stage managers Richard Draney  Stephanie Scott
Production co-ordinator Susan Jang
Edited by Larry Harris
Technical Director Tom Conkwright
Director of photography Thomas W. Markle
Audio J. Mark King
Re-recording Marti D. Humphrey  John Bickelhaupt
Production staff Rochelle E. Statten  Gabrielle Topping  Linda Ota
 Carmen Herrera  R. Anne Bacchus  Ruthie Piper Hardee  Carl Studerbaker
 Bert L. Cook
Costumes Marti M. Squyers
Property master Michael Semon
Make up Nina Kent
Hair stylist Dottie McQuown
Dog trainer Steven Ritt
Production supervised by Deborah Curtan
Production consultant Jeanie Bradley
In Charge of Production Ed Lammi
COPYRIGHT (C) 1991
ELP COMMUNICATIONS ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
ELP Communications is the author of the film/motion picture for purposes of
Article 15(2) of the Berne Convention and all national giving effect thereto.
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