Regular cast:

Ed O'Neill...............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal..............Peg Bundy
Amanda Bearse............Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy
Christina Applegate......Kelly Bundy
David Faustino...........Bud Bundy
Ted McGinley.............Jefferson D'Arcy
Buck the Dog.............Buck

Guest cast:

Lane Davies..............Harry Ashland
Angel Broadhurst.........Salt Water
Anne Marie Gillis........Woman
Scott Ferguson...........Paperboy

				

ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

Peggy is on the phone talking to her mother, sitting at the counter by the kitchen.

PEGGY   Well, alright Mom, I guess we've talked about everyone we care about, so there's no one
        left to talk about... Al?... Al who? ... Oh, oh, Al. Well, he's mad because there's a
        street light out and there's a pothole right in front of the driveway. So naturally, I
        have to be alert for when he comes home... Well, when he beeps his horn, I'm supposed to
        run outside and shine this flashlight [picks it up] so he doesn't hit the pothole.

A beep is heard outside.

PEGGY   ...No, I don't mind doing those little things for him...

Another 2 beeps.

PEGGY   ...Well, y'know, he is my husband...

A crashing noise is heard, like a car going over a pothole.

PEGGY   ...Well, Mom, I better be going. Al'll be home any minute... OK, bye!

She hangs up, then Al enters from the front door holding the steering wheel. He looks like he is
going to kill someone. Peggy gets up, turns the flashlight on and holds it above her head, and
walks over to Al and smiles at him.

PEGGY   Hi, honey. Why did you bring the steering wheel into the house?

AL      Well, I figured since it isn't attached to the car anymore, I thought maybe you'd like to
        cook it up for dinner. By the way, I beeped, you know.

PEGGY   Liar! You know you always do that: say you did something when you really didn't. And it's 
        not just sex, either.

Peggy sits on couch.

AL      Peg, when you married me, was it premeditated or a drive-by marriage?

PEGGY   What difference does it make? I missed.

Al sits on couch.

AL      Well, did you at least call the city and tell them about the pothole and the light?

PEGGY   Al, I said I would do that when I got off the phone with Mom. 

AL      Well, I asked you that this morning!

PEGGY   Well, I just got off the phone with her!

AL      Thank you, my little air ball at the buzzer. Thankfully, I intimidated your chimpanzee-
        like attention to detail, and I composed this little note to the city.

Al gets the letter from his coat pocket.

PEGGY   Gee, when did you find time to that? Wasn't today "dusting the black loafers" day?

AL      [laughing lightly] Ah, home, work, can a man have too much fun? Now, the key to dealing
        with the city is you have to subtly influence their way of thought by using the most
        diplomatic language. [reads letter] "Dear maggots and foul bureaucrats. I pay taxes!" 
        [to Peggy] They'll never check. [continues reading letter] "You grafting pigs use my
        money to wine and dine cheap bimbos, never once thinking to share them with the rest of
        us. So please fix the pothole in my driveway, and the street light above it, and for the
        thousandth time please... annul my marriage. Signed, a voter." [to Peggy] They'll never
        check!

Kelly comes in and leans against the door after closing it, sighing happily.

KELLY   Mom, Dad, I am in love.

Pegg and Al shrug as if they couldn't care less.

KELLY   He is the greatest guy that I have ever met.

PEGGY   Oh, sure. That's why you're home at 9 o'clock.

KELLY   [sitting on the couch] Well, he likes to get me home because he's a gentleman. And he
        cares about me because I am a nice girl.

Al and Peggy laugh. Al puts his arm around Peggy.

AL      Kelly, it's not that we don't believe you, it's just that we don't believe in love!

PEGGY   That's why our marriage works.

They laugh and rest their heads together.

AL      That's enough now, Peg. 

Al removes his arm.

PEGGY   [to Kelly] Oh, but honey, maybe love will work for you.

Al and Peggy look at each other and snigger.

PEGGY   Go ahead, tell us all about him.

KELLY   Well, there isn't really much to tell.

Bud comes down the stairs, coughing.

BUD     Ah - ah - ah- ahem, ahem. Once again my dear sister is prone to understatement, but if
        you want this reporters opinion, I shall now open the bidding at ten dollars.

KELLY   Shut up, Bud, he's not that old.

Al and Peggy react by getting money from her cleavage and his pocket, respectively, and they hand 
it to Bud, who is standing there with his hand open.

PEGGY   OK, spill your guts.

BUD     He's 41.

PEGGY   You are dating a man old enough to be my father?

AL      Peg, she's not dating Lincoln. Now honey, sit over here next to Daddy. [She does so] 
        Now, sweetheart, just how much have you loved this man?

KELLY   Daddy, you know I'm not that kind of girl!

BUD     Ah - Ah- Ah - Ahem...

Kelly elbows Bud in the stomach, and he falls to the ground behind the couch.

KELLY   Oh, come on Dad, you'll like him, he's really sweet! You know what he calls me? His
        little squeeze-toy!

AL      [sarcastically] Gee, I'd love to meet him!

KELLY   You'll be nice to him, won't you, Daddy?

AL      Don't worry Pumpkin, I'll show him the same respect that I'll show any 41 year old man
        who dates his teenage daughter.

KELLY   Daddy, you're the best!

Kelly kisses him on the cheek, and goes upstairs.


SCENE TWO

Al is on the phone talking to the council and sitting at the kitchen counter.

AL      Now, look! I've been on hold for 3 hours, listening to that muzak version of "Muskrat
        Love". Now, I voted for Mayor... McCheese... or whatever his name is. I can't wait so
        long! now I have a street light out and I have a pothole. And I want you to put down your 
        nail polish and sachet your fat, bureaucratic behind... that's right, your fat,
        bureaucratic behind into His Honor’s office and you tell him that Al Bundy is on the...
        HELLO?!

Al hangs up then calls the operator.

AL      Hello, Operator? This is Al Bundy. I was... HELLO?!?!

Al slams down the phone. Peggy comes down the stairs.

AL      [to himself, upset] Am I truly nothing? Could the neighborhood children be right?

PEGGY   Gee, what's the matter honey?

AL      Well, I called the Mayor's office, and as soon as I told them I was Al Bundy -

PEGGY   [cutting him off] Where's the TV Guide?

A car door shuts outside.

PEGGY   Oh, honey, that's probably Kelly with her new boyfriend. Come on, take care of him fast
        like you do me!

They get up and walk to the door, Kelly enters with her boyfriend, Harry Ashland.

KELLY   Mom, Dad, this is Harry.

PEGGY   Kill him, honey!

HARRY   I didn't know Kelly had a sister.

PEGGY   Oh, wait a second...

Peggy starts to walk over to Harry, but Al pulls her back.

AL      Towel off, Peg.

Al walks over to Harry.

AL      Hi Harry. Would you lift your chin up and move it slightly to the right, please?

HARRY   That's quite a pothole in front, Al.

AL      Yeah, I know, it's just about to be filled.

Al gets ready to sock him one, but stops when Harry speaks.

HARRY   Why don't you let me take care of it?

Harry walks to the centre of the room, and opens his mobile phone, then pushes a button.

HARRY   This is Harry Ashland. Look, there's a pothole in front of 9764 Jeopardy Lane and I want
        it fixed right away. [hangs up] Consider it taken care of.

AL      Yeah, right, I've been calling, I've been writing letters, there's no way in the world
        the city's gonna be...

Drilling noises are heard outside. Al runs to the door to look.

AL      [excitedly] Look, it's the city, they're working! Peg, they're fixing my pothole! They
        must've got one of my letters, I knew I could do it!!

PEGGY   Have a banana, Al. [to Harry] How d'you do that?

HARRY   I'm an Alderman!

KELLY   That's a Priest.

HARRY   No, actually, it's more like a city councilman.

KELLY   Then why did you want me to call you "father"?

HARRY   Never mind that now.

AL      Hey, I recognise this guy. This is the guy everyone says is going to be future Mayor!

PEGGY   Oh, gee Al, you think it might be against the law to go around beating up someone who -

AL      [cutting her off] Shut up, Peg. Ah, Harry, I have a street light out, but I hate to
        bother you with it now, but what the heck, we're almost family! [they sit on couch] Peg,
        our finest class of Kool-Aid for the future Mayor here.

PEGGY   Al, could I speak with you for a minute? 

Peggy goes to the kitchen.

AL      Ah, I'll be right back. Um, play with our daughter. Kelly, dance for the man!

Al goes to kitchen table/counter area where Peggy is.

AL      What, what?

PEGGY   Y'know, I cannot believe that you would put a pothole before your daughter.

AL      Peg, we can always have another daughter. But we both know that this is the car I'm going 
        to have for the rest of my life. I must protect it. And if Kelly gets in good with him,
        who knows? Maybe someday I'll be the future Mayor-in-law! Think about it, anything I
        want! Ha, Peg? Free donuts, free parking, just like the police!

PEGGY   Oh, we could speed, and make U-turns..

AL      And litter...

PEGGY   And park in the handicapped zones! Oh Al!

They laugh. Kelly walks over to them.

KELLY   What do you think, Mom, isn't he great?

PEGGY   {a sort of awed "yeah"}

KELLY   We're going to go out now, okay?

PEGGY   Oh, not dressed like that you're not! Just a second.

She grabs a pair of scissors from the counter and makes a slit up the side of Kelly's skirt.

PEGGY   There. That's better.

Kelly and Harry walk out. Harry waves. Al has his arm around Peggy, both are smiling.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE
 
Peggy is at the front door with two ladies, one whom hands Peggy a loaf of bread.

LADY    Thank your husband for getting our sewer fixed.

PEGGY   It's a pleasure to serve our neighbors.

Peggy closes the door, then opens the closet to reveal it stuffed with food that other neighbors
have given them, she chucks the bread in there and shuts the door, then sits to the couch next to Bud.

PEGGY   You know, it's amazing. The city has fixed the pothole, fixed the street light, planted
        the grass, trimmed the hedges and your daddy's nose hairs. And it's incredible we have
        Kelly to thank. Y'know, all these years, we thought that you would be the success in the
        family. Boy, was I wrong.

BUD     Gee, maybe I should throw on a pair of Speedos and parade around in front of Sandra Day
        O'Connor. It might mean a condo by the White House, would that make you guys proud?

PEGGY   Oh, we're proud of you uh... uh... help me out here.

BUD     Bud.

PEGGY   Yeah, whatever.

Kelly comes downstairs, ready to go out.

PEGGY   Here's my little girl.

KELLY   Mom, I'm going out with Harry.

PEGGY   Uh, not dressed like that you're not. [picks up the scissors] Come here. Let's see. [cuts
        off one of the straps on Kelly's top] That's better!

KELLY   Bye, Mom. Oh, Bud. Keep getting those good grades. It'll really pay off in the real
        world!

She and Peggy laugh, Kelly then leaves.

PEGGY   My little girl. And just think, because of her, we may one day be living in the Mayor's
        mansion.

BUD     Come on, he's not going to marry Kelly. There's more to being a Mayor's wife than dancing 
        around naked on tables.

PEGGY   Now, Bud, don't be jealous. You're both our children. It's just that Kelly's our favorite
        now, that's all.

Bud saddens. He exits upstairs and the doorbell rings. Peggy hums a tune as she opens it to Marcy
and Jefferson, who carry a bag.

JEFF    Hi Peggy, we were wondering if we could speak with Al.

PEGGY   I don't know, he's been awfully busy.

MARCY   Oh, if he could just spare us a little time, please, please, please?

AL      [from upstairs, in "The Godfather" voice] I'll speak to ya!

We hear "The Godfather" theme. Al walks slowly downstairs dressed like Don Corleone from The
Godfather. He motions for Marcy and Jefferson to come in. He sits on the couch and puts his right 
hand in his pants. He holds out his left hand which has a giant ring on it, Marcy and Jefferson
bend down and Marcy kisses it.

AL      Peg, picture please.

Peggy takes a picture.

MARCY   Oh Al. The paper boy shows us no respect. We've complained, but he still throws the paper 
        in the garden, crushing the flowers we planted with care.

JEFF    He responds to our threats with The Bird. We have nowhere else to turn, Al.

AL      [still talking in Godfather voice] Never come to me as a friend. When your wife baked a
        pie, I got no slice. Now you want a favor.

MARCY   We were wrong. We want your friendship. 

She pulls out a huge bucket of chicken and hands it to Al. He nods approvingly, and places it
next to him.
 
AL      It is well known when I get food, I can deny no favors. What can I do for ya?

JEFF    We seek no more than justice. An eye for an eye. Kill him.

AL      This does not seem fair, but rest assured, your paper will be on the porch in the
        morning. Listen, some day I may ask you for help. This day never come, but [talks in his
        normal voice] we both know it probably will! [Godfather voice again] But when this day
        does come, you are to respond to my threats with good friendship.

MARCY   Yes, Al.
JEFF    Yes, Al.

Al holds out his hand again, and Marcy and Jefferson kiss it again, then they get up and leave.

MARCY   Gee, that wasn't humiliating or anything.
 
JEFF    Well, what's the difference? That twelve year old punk is gonna get what he deserves!

Marcy and Jefferson leave.
Peggy sits on the couch next to Al.

PEGGY   Al, don't you think you're carrying this thing just a little too far?

AL      Never ask me about my business, Peg.

PEGGY   But this thing about neighbors bringing over food and -

AL      [cutting her off] Small potatoes, Peg.

PEGGY)  What are you saying, Al?

AL      [in normal voice] I said pass the small potatoes Mrs Lincoln brought me! [Peggy hands
        them to him] I love these things. [Eats one] Besides, Bundy favors won't be coming in
        very cheap for long, Peg. But the city shoe contract is up for grabs, of Meter Maid
        shoes, and I, thanks to Kelly, got the inside track.

PEGGY   Oh Al. You didn't come up with an idea on your own, did you?

AL      I did! [stands] I did! I talked to Harry, the contract practically mine! You're looking
        at the Meter Maid Foot King of Chicago, baby!

Al air-guitars while hopping around on one leg, then sits down again. Bud comes down the stairs.

BUD     Excuse me, Mom. But ten thousand Meter Maid Shoes? Kelly dating a smart politician? You
        believing an idea of this man is gonna pay off? I mean, am I the only one who sees the
        emperor has holes in his underwear?

AL      Bud, I know you've seen a Bundy failure once or twice before. [He and Peggy are excited]
        But Bud, this can't lose! Because Bud, this time, it's not just me, it's me AND Kelly!
        [Peggy's smile fades as she sighs with realization] Ah, lets go shopping! And spend all
        that money that's gonna come rolling in.

Al takes Peggy's hand and they go to the door.

BUD     Well, I guess what's bothering me here is that you're not including me in the plans
        anymore. I mean, I'm not Fredo! Kelly's Fredo! [Al and Peggy just look at him] Lately you 
        guys haven't made me part of the family anymore. So if you'll just tell me I'm
        overreacting just a little...

The door closes behind them as Al and Peggy leave.

BUD     I'll tell you this, I'm not letting you take me fishing!

He sits on couch, depressed.


SCENE TWO

Al and Peg are standing in front of boxes of shoes. Al is brushing a pair of shoes with a shoe
brush. Then Al kisses the shoes and puts them down.

AL      Look at it, Peg. The Bundy Empire! Tomorrow we make a delivery, and we pick up a check
        for ten thousand dollars.

PEGGY   Oh AL!

AL      What's wrong, Peg?

PEGGY   Oh, nothing. I think I just had my first real orgasm!

Al just looks at her. 
The doorbell rings, Al answers it to reveal the paper boy with a paper.

BOY     Here's your paper. And thank you for not costing me my job.

AL      [in Godfather voice] What do I owe ya?

BOY     Oh nothing, nothing, I paid for your paper out of my own pocket.

AL      This is good. Uh, forgetting something?

The boy cringes, then hands Al some money. Al shuts the door and turns to Peggy.

AL      [in normal voice] A whole buck!

He hands Peggy the paper and sits on the couch.

AL      Get used to living like this, babe. I'm telling ya, I was born for this. This is my
        decade. This is the Bundy decade!

PEGGY   [looking at the paper] Uh Al...

AL      Shh quiet, Peg, I'm ruminating. I'm literally drunk with power!

PEGGY   Al...

Peggy sits on the couch and hands Al the paper.

AL      Ah, life is good. [Sees the paper] But not for me. Look Peg, more pictures on page three.

Al opens the paper and we see the front page: There is a picture of Kelly sitting on Harry's lap, 
Harry holding up his hand trying to block the camera. The headline reads: "FLOOZY BRINGS DOWN
GOVERNMENT. Married Alderman Caught With Teenage Bimbo." 
Kelly enters with a dopey looking boy named Salt Water and an armful of newspapers.

KELLY   Guess what, everybody! I am on the front page of the newspaper! [shows them] How great is
        that?

AL      There are no words. 

KELLY   Well, you could've thrown me for a fruit loop when I heard he was married. But I guess
        the signs were there if you just know how to recognise them. The wedding ring, the
        diapers in the backseat of the station wagon. The late night calls from the crazy woman
        going, "Stay away from my husband, you home-wrecking little tramp!" Ah well, case of rum, 
        case of rum, that's what I always say. Anyway, you'll be glad to know that this time I am 
        truly in love. I'd like you to meet my new friend Salt Water. [to Salt Water] Show Daddy
        what you can you do.

Salt Water runs his fingers through his hair until he finds something in it. He takes it out and
eats it. Kelly hugs him proudly. Al and Peggy just stare.

SALT    Can I call you Dad?

KELLY   Isn't he great? And don't worry, Daddy. This one is single. Bye!

They leave. Salt Water kind of waves dopily, then closes the door.

AL      Peg. I spent everything we've got on this stuff here. What am I gonna do?

PEGGY   Well, you could lead the Failure Pride Parade atop a float of Meter Maid Shoes. Or, is
        that getting into your business?

AL      White crosses, sunlight; nothing works on you anymore, does it? But I tell ya, there are
        other forces at work here. Other dark evil things. If I had my wish, it would be to get
        my hands on that foul lonesome demon who took those pictures and caused a downfold on
        the Bundy family.
 
Al rests his head against Peggy's pitifully. 
Bud enters with a camera around his neck and a fist full of money, counting it as he whistles
"The Godfather" tune smugly. He walks up the stairs and Al has his hand against his head while
Peggy comforts him by holding his other hand.



THE END



EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: MICHAEL G. MOYE & RON LEAVITT
DIRECTED BY: GERRY COHEN
WRITTEN BY:  RALPH FARQUAR
CREATED BY:  RON LEAVITT & MICHAEL G. MOYE
PRODUCED BY: BARBARA BLACHUT CRAMER
CASTING: TAMMARA BILLIK C.S.A.
CASTING ASSOCIATE: STEVEN CRAIG
EXECUTIVE IN CHARGE OF CASTING: RICK JACOBS
"LOVE AND MARRIAGE" MUSIC AND LYRICS BY SAMMY CAHN AND JIMMY VAN HEUSEN
MUSIC SUPERVISION: MICHAEL ANDREAS
PRODUCTION DESIGNER: DON ROBERTS
ART DIRECTOR: RICHARD IMPROTA
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR: SAM W. ORENDER
STAGE MANAGERS: RICHARD DRANEY, STEPHANIE SCOTT
PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE: KITTY ROURKE
PRODUCTION COORDINATOR: SUAN JANG
EDITED BY LARRY HARRIS
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR: TOM CONKWRIGHT
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY: THOMAS W. MARKLE
AUDIO: J. MARK KING
RE-RECORDING: MARTI D. HUMPHREY, JOHN BICKELHAUPT
PRODUCTION STAFF: ROCHELLE E. STATTEN, GABRIELLE TOPPING, LINDA OTA, CARMEN HERRERA, 
                  R. ANNE BACCHUS, RUTHIE PIPER HARDEE, CARL STUDERBAKER, BERT L. COOK
COSTUMES: MARTI M. SQUIRES
PROPERTY MASTER: MICHAEL SEMON
MAKE-UP: NINA KENT
HAIR STYLIST: DOTTIE McQUOWN
DOG TRAINER: STEVEN RITT
PRODUCTION SUPERVISED BY DEBORAH CURTAN
PRODUCTION CONSULTANT: JEANIE BRADLEY
COPYRIGHT (C) 1991
COLUMBIA PICTURES TELEVISION
a SONY PICTURES ENTERTAINMENT company