Regular Cast:

AL BUNDY ................. ED O'NEILL
PEGGY BUNDY .............. KATEY SAGAL
MARCY RHOADES ............ AMANDA BEARSE
KELLY BUNDY .............. CHRISTINA APPLEGATE
BUD BUNDY ................ DAVID FAUSTINO
BUCK, THE DOG ............ BUCK, THE DOG

Guest Cast:

MISS PENZA ............... BETH BRODERICK
EUGENE ................... CHARLIE BRILL


ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - DAY

(KELLY AND BUD ARE ON THE COUCH, LOOKING THROUGH AN OLD FAMILY PHOTO ALBUM WITH A MAGIC
MARKER. BUD IS IN A SUIT, KELLY IN A FUNERAL MINI-SKIRT)

KELLY	Why do we have to go through the family album and X-out the dead guy?

BUD	Well, Dad says it helps at Christmas time. Never send a present to someone who won't
	send one back.

KELLY	Then we should X-out Mom and Dad.

BUD	Soon enough Kell, soon enough. 

KELLY	Well, I guess it's "Buenos Nachos" to Uncle Stymie.

BUD	Yep. Uncle Stymie was the only Bundy to have died of natural causes. And to be
	named after a Little Rascal.

KELLY	I can't believe this guy was actually rich. Was he a real Bundy?

BUD	Well, Dad explained it to me. He was the only male Bundy never to marry.

(KELLY NODS)

BUD	I just hope Dad's not too broken up over this. I mean, Uncle Stymie was his favorite.

(AL COMES DOWNSTAIRS, SOBBING, FOLLOWED BY PEGGY. THEY ARE DRESSED FOR A FUNERAL)

AL	Oh God, why did it have to be him? Why did it have to be him? (STOPS SOBBING) Was that
	convincing, Peg? I wasn't pushing it too much, was I? I mean, I don't want to seem 
	greedy at the will reading.

PEGGY	Well, then maybe you shouldn't have asked for dibs on his gold fillings.

AL	What do you think, hankie, no hankie?

PEGGY	Uh, better no hankie. It's still crusty from that flu that hit the family in
	Eighty-Four.

BUD	What do think your uncle was worth, Dad?

AL	Bud, how can you put a worth on the life of a man like Uncle Buckwheat.

PEGGY	Stymie, Al.

AL	What's the difference? Neither one of them were germane to their plots. The point is, 
	he saved all his money and now I'm gonna get it. Let's go, Peg.

(BUD AND KELLY GET UP TO FOLLOW)

PEGGY	Wait a minute, you two aren't going.

KELLY	Why? We loved Uncle Spanky just as much as the next man.

AL	You don't even know his name.

PEGGY	Look, what daddy means is that the sadness would just be too much for you kids.

BUD	(TO KELLY) They're not coming back. They're taking the money and leaving. I know it.

PEGGY	Now, kids, do you really think we could enjoy this money without sharing it with you?

(AL AND PEGGY TURN AWAY AND SNICKER)

BUD	We're going to this funeral.

AL	All right. But before you do, I think we should all have a moment of silence for our 
	dear Uncle... uh, Gang.

(THE KIDS BOW THEIR HEADS AND CLOSE THEIR EYES, THEN AL AND PEGGY QUIETLY SNEAK OUT)

BUD	Amen.

(BUD AND KELLY LOOK UP, LOOK AROUND, AND SEE THEY'RE ALONE)

BUD	We've been had!

(BUD RUSHES TO THE DOOR. WE HEAR A CAR PEELING OUT)

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

INT. LAWYER'S OFFICE - LATER THAT DAY

(MIZZ PENZA, AN ATTRACTIVE LAWYER, READS THE WILL. DURING THIS WE PAN FROM HER AND PAST
THREE OF AL'S COUSINS WITH THEIR WIVES, AND FINALLY TO AL AND PEGGY. THE OTHER BUNDY MEN ARE
SOLVENLY, STOOPED, OVER-WORKED LOSERS: A GAS PUMP JOCKEY WITH HIS SQUEEGEE AND WINDEX, A
DODDERING OLD SANITATION WORKER WITH TRASH SPIKE, AND A PRISONER WITH A GUN TRAINED ON HIM
BY A GUARD. THEIR WIVES ARE UNDER-WORKED, DOMINEERING BULLDOGS WHO SIT UP PROUDLY IN THE
GARISH OUTFITS THEIR HUSBANDS CAN'T AFFORD)

MISS P	(READING) ... and so the legacy I, Stymie C. Bundy, leave you, the last surviving
	male Bundys is proof that a male Bundy can achieve greatness. Did I mention that I
	never married? Well regardless, I'm sure you men have all become successful in your
	own ways. Iggy Bundy, 

(WE SEE IGGY AND HIS WIFE) 

MISSP	I'm sure you became the astronaut you dreamed of.

(IGGY HANGS HIS HEAD)

MISS P 	Lester Bundy. 

(WE SEE LESTER AND HIS WIFE) 

MISS P	I'm sure you achieved your dream of becoming a brain surgeon. Eugene Bundy, 

(WE SEE EUGENE, THE CONVICT) 

MISS P	I wonder if you achieved your goal of becoming bank president.

EUGENE	I did.

MISS P	And last, and most certainly least, Al Bundy. Al, get your hands out of your 
	pants. 

(AL DOES) 

MISS P	You never really had a dream, but I only hope you had the sense to dump that wild 
	redhead who stole my wallet. In conclusion, rather than dividing my estate between
	all you voltures, I've decided to make one Bundy really happy.

PEGGY	If it's you, Al, I really love you.

AL	If it's me, I - I don't even know you.

MISS P	Therefore, it is my final wish that the first couple to give birth to a 
	Bundy male, named after me and born in wedlock -

(AL REACTS WITH DISAPPOINTMENT)

MISS P 	- will receive my entire estate. That sum being five hundred thousand dollars.

(HEARING THIS, ALL THE BUNDY MEN POUNCE ON THEIR WOMEN. EUGENE EYES HIS GUARD, AND SHE REACTS
BY POINTING HER GUN AT HIM. HE DRAWS BACK)

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - THAT EVENING

(PEGGY AND MARCY ENTER FROM THE BASEMENT. PEGGY HOLDS A DISC OF BIRTH CONTROL PILLS)

MARCY	This may be a stupid question, but why would you hide your birth control pills?

PEGGY	Safety precaution.

MARCY	Ah, Kelly.

PEGGY	No. Al. He got a hold of them once. He thought they were food I was hiding in my
	purse. So he ate them while watching a ball game. He actually kinda liked it, because 
	he didn't have to shave for a month.

(PEGGY AND MARCY SIT ON THE COUCH)

MARCY	I don't get it. Why take birth control when you can get five hundred thousand
	bucks for a Bundy baby boy? Plus what the zoo would pay you for it.

PEGGY	You know, I wouldn't have another baby if gold dust dripped out of its nose. I mean, 
	sure, the money would be nice, but, I mean, all that trouble... The screaming, the 
	crying, and changing those diapers three or four times a week.

MARCY	Well, at least that left your weekends free.

PEGGY	You'd think. (SCOFFS) But, I mean, you go away for the weekend, and when you come home
	they are never where you left them. And then of course there's that ten months of 
	pregnancy.

MARCY	Ten?

PEGGY	Male Bundys never wanna come out. Oh, and then once they're out, they never want to go
	back in again. But you know for once, Al is excited about sex, and I am not gonna
	dampen his enthusiasm with little details.

(SHE TAKES A PILL)

MARCY	So let me get this straight. You're turning down half a mil to have sex with Al for
	free. 

(PEGGY NODS)

MARCY 	Personally, I would rather drive back and forth over a speed bump, but I guess
	that's just me and every other woman in the world. By the way, where is the stallion?

PEGGY	Well, he's out buying Playboy, Penthouse, Biker Babes. Y'know, a little gas for the
	engine.

MARCY	How disgusting that a man should need outside stimulation. It's so insulting to a
	woman. (BEAT) Who do you think of when you're with Al?

PEGGY	James Bond. All of them. How about you?

MARCY	Oh, I like to keep my fantasies simple. It starts with me in a really tight, short 
	dress at the end of a bar. At the other end, they're greasing up Mike Tyson. He's 
	shadow boxing and starting to sweat. Then the scene changes. 

(MARCY GETS UP)

MARCY	It's now Madison Square Garden. A smokey crowd throbs with anticipation. "Go, Marcy", 
	they buzz. Tyson turns into George Foreman who eyes me like a basket of muffins. The 
	bell rings. I try to fight, but I'm powerless. Then our eyes meet. He gives me the old 
	one-two. The crowd is on its feet, cheering. I'm down. The count starts. The crowd 
	is screaming, "Get up." But I can't. I won't. (OVERCOME) Take me Mandingo. (THEN) And 
	then, sometimes, I get a little kinky.

(AL ENTERS GAZING INTO ONE OF HIS MAGAZINES)

AL	Peg, tonight your name is Guinnevere, and you were born in... 

(HE SEES MARCY AND REACTS, HORRIFIED)

AL	Yikes! Now look what you've done. You might've cost me five hundred thousand
	dollars. What are you doing here?

MARCY	Collecting smells for the poor. You have so much. Couldn't you please spare some for 
	those poor unfortunates who have no odor to call their own?

AL	(TO PEGGY) Peg, this is not helping Lancelot.

(PEGGY GETS UP AND ESCORTS MARCY TO THE DOOR)

PEGGY	Marcy, I'll call you when we're done. So you better run home and get by the phone. It 
	will be ringing in about a minute.

(MARCY EXITS AND PEGGY CLOSES THE DOOR AFTER HER)

PEGGY	Let's go, baby.

(AL LOOKS MISERABLE)

PEGGY	What's wrong, baby?

AL	Marcy looked at me. I might be shot for the night. I need some, I need some incentive.

(AL AND PEGGY SIT ON THE COUCH)

PEGGY	(SEARCHING) Incentive... Incentive... Okay, we're in a boxing ring. You're George
	Foreman and I'm, uh... Oh, no, no, no, that's my incentive. Okay. Uh, you want me to 
	go upstairs and put on a garter belt?

(AL REACTS WITH DISGUST)

PEGGY	How 'bout my short pink teddy?

AL	You're not helping me, Peg. I need some real incentive.

PEGGY	Okay. Okay, honey, I got it. Just picture this. You're sitting on the couch in front
	of a big screen TV.

AL	Forty inch?

PEGGY	(TO HERSELF) I wish.

AL	What?

PEGGY	I mean, "Yeah". So there you are in front of this big-screen TV, and on top of it is
	this nice shiny VHS. Just look how clear that picture is.

AL	(GETTING AROUSED) Slow down, baby. Slow down.

PEGGY	And every machine in this house is wired to one remote control unit. And that remote
	control is yours, big boy.

AL	Let's go, Peg. We've got things to do, eyes to blindfold and babies to make.

PEGGY	Y'know, it may not work the first time, honey.

AL	I don't care. If it takes a thousand tries and a million tears, that young'un shall be
	yours, and that money shall be mine. (COOLLY) Come on, baby. Let's go die a little.

(PEGGY TAKES AL'S HAND AND THEY HEAD UPSTAIRS)

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. BUNDY KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - TWO WEEKS LATER

SUPER: TWO WEEKS LATER

(AL IS IN THE KITCHEN TRYING A HOME PREGNANCY TEST)

AL	(READING) To test for pregnancy, mix Sample A with re-agent B. What's re-agent B?

(KELLY ENTERS)

KELLY	Hi, Daddy. What are you doing?

AL	Nothing you need to know about, honey.

(KELLY LOOKS)

KELLY	Ah. Home pregnancy test. Let me show you. Now. You just fill the dropper to the line,
	and then shake the mix in the anti-hcg conjugate, put it back into the stand, add the 
	litmus key, and if the test area -- not the control area -- turns blue, then you have 
	a positive reading.

(AL LOOKS AT HER)

KELLY	I, uh, saw the professor do it on "Gilligan's Island".

AL	Oh, well... that's okay. 

(AL EXAMINES THE LITMUS KEY)

AL	Now, it's clear. What does that mean?

KELLY	Well, it means that you can still take P.E.

(PEGGY COMES DOWN TO THE LANDING)

PEGGY	Al, honey, my temperature is up.

AL	I can't believe it. Two weeks and she's not pregnant yet. It's like having two
	menial jobs.

(HE HEADS UPSTAIRS AS BUD COMES DOWN)

BUD	Having fun, Dad?

(AL MUTTERS AT HIM AND EXITS UPSTAIRS)

BUD	Any Bundys get pregnant yet?

KELLY	Nope.

BUD	Good, I still got a shot. I just can't believe the babes haven't been calling,
	though. I'm offering me and a half a million. I'll even marry the broad. What more 
	could a girl want?

KELLY	A spine crushing accident? A bald spot? A weekend in Des Moines with Orville
	Reddenbacher and his really cool grandson?

BUD	I know you're just kidding, 'cause I'm cool. I am. I know I am. I took the quiz in
	"Boy's Life".

AL	(O.S.) C'mon, Peg. Tell me what I want to hear, baby.

PEGGY	(O.S.) Five hundred thousand dollars baby. Half a mill.

(BUD SHUDDERS IN DISGUST)

KELLY	What if they do have another baby? It'll be so confusing. I mean, what would that be 
	to me?

BUD	A tutor.

KELLY	Well, I hope they don't do it. I remember before you hatched, I used to get some
	attention. I like to think that if you were never born I would have been the one who 
	was able to read.

(AL ENTERS)

AL	There, that should have done it.

(HE GOES TO THE REFRIGERATOR AND GETS A BEER)

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - OVER SEVERAL MONTHS

MONTAGE

(WE HEAR MUSIC)

MUSIC CUE: "SHE WORKS HARD FOR THE MONEY"

(WE SEE A SHOT OF A DAY CALENDAR WITH THE DAYS FLYING OFF. IT'S SUPER-IMPOSED IN AND OUT
BETWEEN SHOTS OF:)

1. A SHOT OF AL REACTING WITH DISAPPOINTMENT TO A CLEAR PREGNANCY TEST.

2. A SHOT OF AL GOING BACK UPSTAIRS.

3. A SHOT OF AL APPEARING AT THE LANDING, REMOVING HIS BLINDFOLD, CATCHING HIS BREATH AND
GOING BACK UPSTAIRS, REPLACING THE BLINDFOLD.

4. A SHOT OF PEGGY SNEAKING A BIRTH CONTROL PILL.

5. AL'S SHAKING HANDS AS HE DOES ANOTHER FAILED PREGNANCY TEST.

6. A SHOT OF AL GOING BACK UPSTAIRS ON ALL FOURS.

7. A SHOT OF PEGGY BECKONING AL WITH THE THERMOMETER IN HER MOUTH. HE STAGGERS UP.

8. A SHOT OF AL, HIS HAIR WHITE, SLOWLY COMING DOWNSTAIRS. 

END MONTAGE:

DISOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

INT. BUNDY KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - MORNING - NINE MONTHS LATER

(WE SEE AN EXTERNAL SHOT OF THE BUNDY HOUSE)

SUPER: "Nine months later"

(WE SEE THE BUNDY KITCHEN. PEGGY CROSSES TO THE COUNTER, TAKES HER PILL DISC FROM A DRAWER AND
POPS ONE. BUD ENTERS AND SITS AT THE COUNTER)

BUD	Hi, Mom.

(PEGGY LOOKS UP, STARTLED)

BUD	What are you doing?

PEGGY	(COVERING UP) Uh, I'm, uh, taking fertility pills.

(SHE SWALLOWS THE PILL)

PEGGY	There. All fertile. Where's Daddy?

BUD	He's out back getting some exercise.

(KELLY PUSHES AL, IN A WHEELCHAIR, IN THROUGH THE SLIDING DOOR. HIS HAIR IS WHITE AND HIS
CLOTHES ARE TOO BIG FOR HIM)

PEGGY	Al, honey, my temperature's higher than it's ever been.

(AL MOTIONS FOR KELLY TO BEND DOWN. SHE PUTS HER EAR TO HIS MOUTH AS HE MUTTERS SOMETHING)

KELLY	Daddy said he can't do it anymore. You're killing him.

PEGGY	Oh, come on, Al. Just one more time. You'll never have to do it again.

(AL MOTIONS KELLY DOWN AGAIN. HE MUTTERS)

KELLY	Daddy said that he can snardly heathe.

(HE MOTIONS HER BACK DOWN AND MUTTERS LOUDER)

KELLY	Hardly breathe.

PEGGY	Al, it's half a million dollars. You could get cable with that kind of money.

(AL MOTIONS FOR KELLY. HE WHISPERS)

KELLY	Daddy says, "Let's boogie."

(PEGGY HAPPILY EXITS UPSTAIRS)

AL	Uh. Uh.

KELLY	Do you want your Gator Aid, Daddy?

(HE NODS. KELLY TAKES OUT A BICYCLE SQUEEZE BOTTLE AND SQUIRTS IT IN HIS MOUTH. HE GETS SET
TO RISE)

AL	Brace me.

(KELLY AND BUD HELP HIM UP)

BUD	God, he's light as a feather.

SFX: DOORBELL

(BUD OPENS THE DOOR TO REVEAL MISS PENZA)

MISS P	Hello, I'm looking for Mr. Al Bundy.

AL	I was Al Bundy.

MISS P	I am personally letting the heirs know that the race is over.

AL	Thank God. Who won?

MISS P	I did.

AL	You're not a Bundy.

MISS P	I am now. Right after the will reading I married Eugene. Come, Eugene.

(EUGENE ENTERS. HE CARRIES A BABY IN A BLUE BLANKET. HE IS FOLLOWED BY HIS GUARD WHO HOLDS A
GUN ON HIM)

MISS P	This is the product of our greed, Stymie Jr. I got Eugene a kind of work release
	program. And work, he did.

EUGENE	Uh, honey, I'll be out in six years. You'll hold the money for us, won't you?

MISS P	Of course, darling. Now just don't get shot trying to escape or something. Then
	what would I do?

(SHE WINKS AT THE GUARD. THE GUARD SMILES AND LOADS HER GUN. EUGENE LOOKS WORRIED)

BUD	So long, Uncle Eugene.

(THEY EXIT)

KELLY	Well, there's another fruit cake we won't have to send at Christmas.

AL	Well, at least it's over. But I don't get it. A thousand times, and nothing. I
	barely touched her and I had you two. Well, at least my appetite came back.

(HE CROSSES TO THE KITCHEN)

PEGGY	(O.S.) Al. It's planting time.

AL	(MUTTERS) I'd like to plant a shovel right between her barren eyes. But first, some
	food. Then, I'll be able to watch TV sitting up again.

(AL SPOTS PEGGY'S POORLY HIDDEN BIRTH CONTROL PILLS)

AL	Hey, I remember these. Tasty, crunchy. Good for snackin' right out of the box.

KELLY	Daddy, don't eat those. Those are birth control pills.

BUD	No they're not. They're fertility pills. Mom's been taking 'em.

(AL REACTS. THEN)

PEGGY	(O.S.) Al. I'm waiting.

AL	Leave me.

KELLY	Uh, Dad...

AL	(WEREWOLF-LIKE) Leave me.

(THE KIDS LOOK SCARED AND EXIT AS AL WILDS)

AL	(SWEETLY) Be right there up, honey. I just wanna check your last test, first.

(HE GETS THE TEST KIT)

PEGGY	(O.S.) Gee, I hope it's positive.

AL	Oh, I have a good feeling about this one.

(HE PICKS UP A PEN, AND BREAKS IT OVER THE TEST SO THE INK RUNS IN)

AL	Oh, for joy. For joy. We are blessed.

(PEGGY RACES DOWN THE STAIRS)

PEGGY	We're what? We're what?

(HE SHOWS HER THE TEST)

AL	We did it, babe.

PEGGY	Well, that's impossible. That can't be. I mean, not that I'm not really happy. Oh, God.

(SHE STUMBLES TO THE COUCH)

AL	Ah, there, there, my little baby oven.

(AL PUTS HIS ARM AROUND PEGGY'S SHOULDER. SHE RECOILS)

PEGGY	Don't you ever touch me again. (MISERABLE) Oh, diapers, and doodie...

(AL LAUGHS WITH GLEE)

PEGGY	"Feed me, wash me, unlock my door...". Oh, my life is truly over.

(PEGGY WAILS, THEN COMPOSES HERSELF)

PEGGY	Well, at least there's the money.

AL	Oh, honey, I forgot to tell you. I found out today that someone beat us to it.

(A LITTLE LAUGH ESCAPES HIM)

AL 	But honey, why should we worry? We have a love child on the way. Wouldn't it be great
	if we got twins?

PEGGY	I feel fat.

AL	Oh, honey, that just means more of you to love. Like a hundred pounds. Gee, I hope you
	don't get morning sickness again. You know, isn't it, like, every day around this 
	time?

PEGGY	Gee, I don't feel so good.

AL	Oh, it's gonna be lots of fun. And you'll be beautiful, what with that glow, the 
	vericose veins, and your nose swelling up like a Christmas wino. But honey, as I 
	recall, pregnancy was the happiest time of your life. Well, that and the three years 
	it took you to lose the weight.

PEGGY	Al, you are a pig.

AL	Yeah, but it won't be me squealing those forty hours during labor. (LAUGHS) What's the
	matter, honey? You look kind of pale. How about some nice clams and peas?

(PEGGY RUSHES UPSTAIRS LOOKING SICK. AL SITS CONTENTEDLY ON THE COUCH)

AL	Tomorrow, I'll shrink all her clothes.

PEGGY	(O.S.) (WAILING) Oh, Mother of God.

(WE HEAR PEGGY HEAVE)

AL	Yeah. You can't buy that for half a mill.

(AL LOOKS HAPPY)

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO