Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy

Guest Cast:

Rhonda Shear............Brenda
Teri Weigel.............Jade
Sherrie Rose............Mandi
Lucy Filippone..........Athena
Rhonda Britten..........Donna



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

Al comes downstairs, dressed in his pants and undershirt.

AL       Yep, finally, a day off. Ooh, I'm gonna have me some fun.

Al sits on the couch, puts his feet up on the table and puts his hand down his pants. His smile
slowly fades.
A little while later, Peggy enters. She puts down her things and sits next to Al. She keeps
looking at him, expectantly. She shifts in her seat. Al starts to look anxiously at Peggy. He
starts shaking.

AL       WHAT!?

PEGGY    Hi, honey. Are you enjoying your day off?

AL       Peg, you know I am. And how are you gonna ruin it for me? Sex, chores, what?

Peggy leans in to sniff Al, and recoils.

PEGGY    Ooh. Well, I think we'll just stick to chores for today. But I'll give you a choice:
         shower or fix the doorbell.

AL       How much work is it to fix the doorbell?

PEGGY    Well, unlike taking a shower you might have to raise an arm. Oh Al, it makes this 
         wheezing, pathetic sound. I'm embarrassed to have my girlfriends hear it.

AL       Oh come on, they've heard worse. You know, "move along, bossy, no grazing here"... or,
         "hey, how about sharing that cud?"

The doorbell rings. It sounds more like an oink.

AL       Excuse me.

PEGGY    That's the doorbell, Al. [calling to the door] Come in!

A beautiful woman, Brenda, enters.

BRENDA   Oh hi, I'm Brenda. I'm your new neighbor.

Al sees Brenda and looks interested. He half-heartedly smooths his hair.

BRENDA   I just moved into the house across the street.

Peggy gets up to meet Brenda.

PEGGY    Oh yeah, the old Thompson house. You know, he used to be in charge of the soy trough 
         over at Mr. Egg Roll, but then he got promoted to the guy who says "what size drink with
         that?" So he knew he'd be moving to a better neighborhood. [Peggy shakes Brenda's hand]
         Hi, I'm Peggy. 

BRENDA   Hi.

PEGGY    If you want anyone to tell a secret to, just tell me. Oh, and if you need any gossip on
         any of the neighbors, just ask me. People tell me everything.

BRENDA   Yeah? Well, I've already heard about the people who live on the other side of you, the 
         Bundys. Boy, the stories I've been hearing about them. They say the husband will steal
         your paper, stalk your pets and eat your garbage.

Peggy looks at Al.

AL       Hey, half a potato is not garbage.

BRENDA   Anyway, this moving in is difficult. It's harder because [sighs] I don't have a man.

PEGGY    I know. Where do you find one these days?

BRENDA   Anyway, listen, the movers, they left my couch out the front of my house and [checking
         her watch] I have a job interview. I dance on tables for men near airports. 

Al leans forward, looking even more interested.

BRENDA   So I was wondering if you could watch it for me until I get back.

PEGGY    Well, a quarter might keep my eyes open. 

Al walks over to join them. 

AL       [chuckling] You know, it's funny, a quarter used to keep them closed in high school.

Al stands in front of Brenda.

AL       Well, Miss, it's my day off and as you can see I'm all alone, so uh, I don't mind moving
         that couch for ya.

BRENDA   Well, it is a big couch... [looks Al up and down] then you're a big man. [smiles]

Peggy looks disgusted. Brenda shakes Al's hand.

BRENDA   Hi, I'm Brenda Kostrowski. Peggy, do you mind if I borrow this big, strong guy?

Al turns to Peggy, smiling like a child.

PEGGY    Yeah, okay, uh, just have him back by tomorrow. He has to perform brain surgery in the
         morning and he has a loafer sale in the afternoon.

Al laughs lightly.

AL       Ah, my mother worries so.

Al opens the door for Brenda.

AL       Ah, after you, my rear. [quickly] Uh, I mean, my dear.

Peggy grabs Al by his ear and drags him back.

PEGGY    You are too tired to fix the doorbell and yet you can go move her couch?

Al shrugs.

AL       Yeah. [to Brenda] Let's hurry up and get that couch inside before Peg wants to go sit on
         it.

Al and Brenda walks out. Peggy doesn't look all that happy.


SCENE TWO

Kelly and Bud are now fixing the doorbell.

KELLY    Why do we have to fix the doorbell?

BUD      Well, Kelly, that's why grown-ups have kids. They have me to fix things and you to...
         say "what's that?" every time you see an airplane. Now, you're sure the power's off?

KELLY    For the thousandth time, yes, the power is off.

Bud believes her. He steps outside with a screwdriver and proceeds to fix the doorbell. An
electrocution noise sounds and sparks begin to fly. The lights flicker. Bud screams for mercy.

BUD      HELP ME!!!

The electrocution ends. Bud steps back into the doorway. Smoke surrounds him and his hair is
standing up on end.

BUD      Kelly, spell "off".

Kelly just looks at him.

BUD      SPELL IT!!!

KELLY    O... something.

BUD      Well, I'm just gonna change the ol' underwear... And we'll start this again. Maybe next
         time you could go the extra mile and put a bucket of water for me to stand in.

Bud goes upstairs. Kelly shrugs, then opens the closet to find a bucket. She take it out back.
Al enters excitedly.

AL       Peg! Peg, come here!

Peggy comes downstairs.

AL       Guess what happened?

PEGGY    Buck stood upright and he's taking over your job.

AL       Yeah, like he could work the register.

PEGGY    Oh please, just tell me what happened.

AL       Well, after I moved Brenda's couch, she said I was cute. Oh, Peg, I think she likes me!

PEGGY    Aww, honey, how could she? Oh, believe me, Al, and I'm telling you this as your wife and 
         as your friend. No one likes you. Face it, sweetie. I know you better than anyone. And
         believe me, she sees you as the world sees you -- as cheap labor. Now how about a beer?

Al walks away, depressed.
Kelly enters with a full bucket of water.

KELLY    Hi, Mom. Listen, um... Bud needs this to stand in while he fixes the doorbell. [she puts 
         the bucket down] I've gotta go tease my way up and down the block. I've just heard from
         the women in the neighborhood there's a new stud in town.

Peggy giggles. She and Kelly huddle away from Al.

PEGGY    Um, Al, Kelly and I just have some mother-daughter stuff to do, we'll be home by dark.
         [turns to Kelly] What'd you hear about him?

AL       Well, they said that he's big and strong and good-looking.

Peggy looks at Al, then turns back to Kelly, holding out her left hand.

PEGGY    Help me get this ring off. [Kelly helps her] Okay, what else?

KELLY    That's it. They were all watching him move a couch into some house across the street. I
         wonder who he is.

Al, smiling, gets up and walks over to them.

AL       Kelly, ahh [chuckles] that stud used to tuck you in when you were a baby.

KELLY    They were looking at the garbage man?

Peggy gestures for Kelly to hush, then looks guiltily towards Al.

PEGGY    Al, it was nothing. She was a baby, she was crying, I was watching the soaps... he just
         couldn't stand the noise.

AL       [ignoring Peggy] Kelly... that stud is me!

Kelly laughs.

KELLY    Oh, you're funny, Daddy. Now who is he?

AL       Tell her, Peg. Tell her who the good-looking stud is who has all the neighborhood women
         shaving their moustaches.

PEGGY    It can't be. I'm going outside. There's gotta be someone else out there. 

Peggy leaves.
Al, excited, grabs Kelly's hand and sits her on the couch.

AL       What did they say about me?

KELLY    Well, they said you had the arms of a blacksmith and the legs of a god.

AL       Did they say anything about my butt? I was bending over an awful lot out there. Did
         anyone notice, did they? Did they?

KELLY    [reluctantly] They liked it, Daddy.

AL       [standing, punching the air] YES!!! 

Al sits back down, laughing.

AL       And you know why they liked it, Pumpkin?

KELLY    'Cause you played high school football, Daddy?

AL       'Cause I played high school football. It never really fades, does it? You wanna see me
         in my uniform?

KELLY    No. But I bet you Bud would, I'll just go get him!

Kelly begins to get up, but Al stops her.

AL       Oh-ho-ho, those poor Al-starved neighborhood women. Hey, if loving me is wrong, they
         don't wanna be right. [laughs] Pumpkin, can I ask you something? When two people are as
         beautiful as we are, is it terrible to flaunt what we have?

KELLY    Terrible?? It's an obligation. A duty. I mean, it's like belonging to whoever wins you
         in a knife fight.

Al does his best to comprehend Kelly's metaphor.

AL       Yeah.

KELLY    But the important thing is to never let them touch you. Remember: they will never buy
         the cow if they can get the eggs for free.

AL       I did. [stands] Anyway, I'm gonna do a few push-ups and go out there and wash the car.
         'Course I'll need a rag...

Al takes of his shirt and marches towards the door. Peggy steps inside.

PEGGY    Where are you going?

AL       Where does it look like I'm going?

PEGGY    "Mr. Pudding Belly" try-outs?

AL       No, my little couch doily. I'm going to wash the car.

Al walks passed Peg and stops in the doorway. He drops his shirt, then bends over in a deliberate
manner to pick it up, his butt on display. Peggy rolls her eyes. Al walks proudly out.

PEGGY    [to Kelly] This can't be happening. They couldn't be talking about him, they just
         couldn't! And I don't know what he's doing out there. There is not a woman to be found
         anywhere.

Al is heard singing "Do That To Me One More Time" outside. Then females voices are heard cooing
over Al, saying things like "He's back!" "Ohh, he's washing the car," etc.

AL       [o.s.] Whoops! Looks like I got some suds in my pants!

PEGGY    Al, stop that!

An elderly sounding woman responds.

WOMAN    [o.s.] Mind your own business!

Peggy scoffs and shuts the door.

PEGGY    I don't know what they're looking at. They've never seen flies circle the head of a man
         before?

Bud comes downstairs and sits on the arm of the couch.

KELLY    No, it's attitude. I mean, for example, let's just say that there's somebody so
         unattractive in this room that even the girl cats won't let him pet them. Now, how would
         this person - well, let's just call him "Bub" - get attention? Now, he could go on using
         his daddy's credit card, you know, calling date hotlines and saying that he's Seņor
         Pablo, UN diplomat... [Bud looks guilty] Or he could learn, before he loses his hair to
         reveal his head pimples, that if you think you're hot other people will too.

BUD      Seņor Pablo will not forget this.

Al comes back in and puts on his shirt.

AL       Should've seen it, Peg. A million women staring at me, hootin' and screamin'. Now I know 
         what The Beatles felt like.

PEGGY    Sweetheart, there were three women out there. One was sixty, one was eighty, and one was
         older than the tree they used to cut for her wooden leg.

AL       Hey, that's how Tom Jones started, baby.

The doorbell rings. It now makes electric spark noises. Al opens the door to a babe, Mandi.

MANDI    Excuse me Mr. Bundy, I was trying to wash my car but I'm just a weak little woman. Would
         it be asking too much for you to come over, you know, without your shirt and uh,
         [suggestively] buff my bumpers?
 
AL       [to the family] Heidi-heidi-heidi ho!

Al turns back to babe, but Peggy gets up and pulls Al back by his shirt. She shuts the door in
Mandi's face.

PEGGY    Now don't go getting your nose hairs in an uproar. You are not going anywhere. And I
         don't know where this sexy "I'm a human being" nonsense came from, but it's gonna stop
         right now.

AL       Too late. The fuse is lit and the fire is on. Burn, baby, burn. It's an Al inferno!

Al swaggers towards the stairs. He stops to extinguish his finger on his butt. He continues
 upstairs.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Peggy and Marcy are seated at the kitchen table.

PEGGY    Marcy, I tell ya, this is serious. Something is going on. He showered. In the morning!
         Now the only time that Al used to shower was right after we had sex. Immediately after.
         Sometimes even during. And you know what else? He bought a toothbrush... with a rubber
         tip!

MARCY    Oh, Peggy.

PEGGY    I know. I don't know what to do. He's happy, he smells good. He's even making more money 
         at the shoe store. And last night, while I was rifling through his pants to get some of
         it, I found these: [holds out some tic tacs to show Marcy] Tic Tacs!

Peggy breaks down. Marcy comforts her.

MARCY    Well, according to the book I've just read: "Keep Him Down, Keep Him Down, Keep Him
         Down: A Woman's Guide To Happiness", you don't really have to worry until a man stops
         buying white underwear. The time to sweat is when men buy underwear in a tube. You know,
         the bright colored ones that European men use as bathing suits?

PEGGY    Well, I don't have to worry about that. Al will never give up his white Hanes underwear. 
         Size 34, three to a pack. I know that because I bought him a three-pack a couple of
         years ago and he still has two he hasn't even used yet.

Al enters. He is wearing a nice suit and is perfectly groomed. He carries something in a small
tube.

AL       Ladies. Excuse me, I should say: lovely ladies.

Marcy giggles girlishly.

MARCY    [shyly] Hi, Al.

PEGGY    Shut up! [to Al] What are you doing home in the middle of the day?

AL       Well, I thought I'd freshen up a bit with a shower then go back to work. Oh by the way,
         [holds up the tube] have you seen my new underwear? Zebra striped!

He goes upstairs. Marcy watches him.

MARCY    Uh-huh. He looks just as good going as he does coming.

PEGGY    Marcy!

MARCY    I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me. 

AL       [o.s.] Peg, you gotta come up and check me out in my new underwear. Oh, you can bring 
         Marcy too.

MARCY    [excitedly] Can we, Peggy, can we???


SCENE TWO

The shoe store.
Peggy walks past with a bag of groceries and looks in. The store is full of women. 
Al is shoe-ing a fat woman named Athena.

AL       A large foot? You, Madam? Oh no. You merely have a full figured foot.

ATHENA   Oh, you. [she giggles]

AL       [tickling her feet] Tickle, tickle, tickle.

Athena giggles some more.

PEGGY    Oh, please.

AL       Now, how many ballet slippers can I fix you up with?

ATHENA   You've been so delightful, I'll just take them all! [dealing out some money] This is for
         the shoes...

AL       [taking the money] Thank you.

ATHENA   ... and this [putting some more money in Al's pocket] is for the [mushily] cookie
         monster!

Al and Athena giggle. The woman gathers her things and departs. Al stands.

AL       Serving number 57!

All the women in the room proclaim eagerly that they are number 57. Peggy pushes past them and
walks up to Al.

PEGGY    Al, Al.

AL       Take a number. [sees it's Peggy] Oh, it's you. What's shaking, babe?

PEGGY    Every chin in this store. Look honey, I went shopping for food. [chuckles] And I bought
         you some very special treats: bread and cheese! Just picture them all nicely laid out on
         a paper plate. Oh, come home with me, honey.

AL       [pinching her cheek] Ah, sweetheart, you are a pearl. But as you can see I have to be
         here for a long time.

A young woman, Donna, approaches Al with a pie.

DONNA    I baked you a pie, Mr. Bundy.

AL       Well, thank you. Just put it over there with the others.

DONNA    [whispering] Okay.

She walks away.

AL       Anyhow, Peg, love the bread, love the cheese, but uh, got my little shoe store gig here, 
         so uh, why don't go on home and run me a nice warm tub. Oh, by the way, lay out my,
         uh... [louder] leopard underwear.

The women in the store all gasp as though they've died and gone to heaven. Peggy just leaves.

AL       Serving number 57!

A hot babe, Jade, answers Al.

JADE     I'm number 57.

Al looks a bit worried.


SCENE THREE

Back home, Peggy is on the phone to her mother. Kelly and Bud are standing by her.

PEGGY    Mom, Al's not home yet. [pauses] Well, it's midnight and his tube is empty. [pauses] 
         Mom, could you try not to eat corn while I'm talking to you? [pauses] Right, I'll call
         you in the morning.

Peggy hangs up.

PEGGY    Gee, kids. You know, I know I've dreamt about it, but what would I do if your father
         actually does leave?

KELLY    Don't worry, Mom. I mean, you have the skills and education to -

Kelly can't think of anything.

BUD      Well, you sit a damn fine couch.

Al enters.

PEGGY    Daddy's home!
KELLY    Daddy's home!
BUD      Daddy's home!

They run to greet Al.

PEGGY    Oh, gee Al, where've you been?

AL       Oh, I was just... walking around, then I uh, I stopped. My underwear was killing me.
         Even in a mild wind you can freeze a cheek in these babies. 

PEGGY    What happened, honey?

AL       Well, this beautiful... very beautiful girl came in the store, asked my to fly away to
         the Greek Islands with her.

KELLY    Did you go, Daddy?

AL       Yes, Pumpkin, I went; I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to say goodbye.

Kelly waves her hand as if to say "Aw, shucks." Al shakes his head in disbelief.

AL       Anyway, all she wanted was a love toy.

BUD      Yeah, I know the feeling.

KELLY    Oh please. The only feeling that you know is Buck's fur against your cheek on a warm
         summer night.

Bud and Kelly advance on each other, but Peggy stops them.

PEGGY    Oh now now now, kids.

AL       It was every man's fantasy: to be kept by a woman whose skirt is as short as the life
         span of the man that she chooses. But I said no.

BUD      Why???

Peggy nudges Bud.

AL       Well, because I realized that everything I've been doing up until now, the bathing, the
         brushing, the changing of the socks, being nice to people, trying to succeed... all for
         nothing. All those things are designed to attract. Why should I be attractive? I'm
         married with children.

Al sits and stares. 
Then, he slowly metamorphoses back into the slumped slob he used to be.

BUD      Mom, look at him.

KELLY    What's happening?

Al looks towards the family.

KELLY    I'm scared.

PEGGY    He's coming back. My Al is coming back!

Al puts his hand down his pants. A happy Peggy sits next to him, leans him forward to check his 
underwear label, then pushes him back.

PEGGY    Hanes! He's back!!!

Peggy kisses a disgusted Al on the cheek.


THE END