Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy

No Guest Cast



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

Bud, shirtless, is standing in front of a full length mirror and watching himself lift dumbbells.
He kisses his biceps as he lifts each arm.

BUD:    Oh yeah! Oh yeah!

He puts the weights down and continues to admire himself.

BUD:    Excuse me miss, is [pointing to himself] this man bothering [pointing to an imaginary girl] you? 

Bud strikes another pose and this time looks constipated.
Kelly enters.

KELLY:  Bud, I warned you about eating all that cheese. [she laughs and looks around] Where are the old people?

BUD:    Oh, uh well, Dad’s down at, uh [flexing] the store. They’re having that, uh, midnight sale. You know, you
        probably heard it on the radio. They keep playing that old song, After Midnight We’re Gonna Sell a Lot of
	Shoes.

KELLY:  Works a bummer. I’m glad I’m a pretty girl, so I’ll never have to. Oh, that reminds me, where’s Mom?

BUD: 	Oh, uh, she went to pick him up. We got a call. Something about him flipping out.

Al and Peggy enter. Peggy is escorting Al, who looks insane and holds a shoe-sizer.

AL:     After Midnight We’re Gonna Sell a Lot of Shoooes.

KELLY:  Hi Daddy.

AL:     Hello Miss. You wanna buy a lot of shoes?

KELLY:  Uh, I have shoes Daddy.

PEGGY:  [to Kelly] Uh, he doesn’t recognize you honey.
 
AL:     Shoes?

Peggy sits on the couch and leads Al to sit next to her.

PEGGY:  Come on sweetheart, sit down over here. Uh, we're home now sweetie. You remember. Two kids, a dog, a room
	upstairs where you disappoint your wife. [she waves her hand in front of his face but Al is catatonic] Well,
        there's only one way to snap him out of this.

Peggy pulls Al back and kisses him.
Al struggles to break free, and is now back to normal. He wipes his mouth.

PEGGY:  That's how I like to see you.

AL:     Oh Peg, it was horrible. 16 straight hours of shoe-selling mayhem. Last thing I remember I was down on one
        knee waiting on an overflowing glacier of a woman. The first thing they teach you when you're a rookie shoe
        salesman is when you got a fat one in the chair, never look up. I looked up, Peg. I saw underwear. It said
        Saturday!

PEGGY:  So what?

AL:     Today's Wednesday! Anyway the next thing I knew I was insane.
 
KELLY:  [to Bud] Take a good look at your future, rat-boy.
 
PEGGY:  So honey, tell us what the doctor said.
 
AL:     Well, he found two interesting things.
 
PEGGY:  Well, that's two more than I've ever found. I wonder where he was looking. [laughs] I'm just kidding, honey.
        We really do care. So what did the doctor say?

AL:     Well, he said from your home cooking, my stomach is the size of a quarter, and that I suffer from stress.

PEGGY:  Stress? How could you get stress? You don't do anything but get up and go to work.
 
KELLY:  Well, maybe he got it from a toilet seat. 

PEGGY:  It would have shown up long before this, honey. [to Al] Stress? Al, that is ridiculous. I mean, how in the
        world would someone like you get stress?

AL:     Well, the doctor thinks it might be the wife.
 
PEGGY:  Well, very nice. So now it's my fault that you have a go nowhere job and absolutely no ambition at all. Why,
        you know, if it wasn't for me telling you day after day to get up, get to work [Al reacts] and do something
        for God's sake, you wouldn't be bringing home the chump change that you already are. Stress.

KELLY:  Mom, don't you think that we should be nice to Daddy? You know, with him being out of his, uh, M-I-N-E-D.

PEGGY:  Yes, honey, you're right. It is the woman's lot in life to always carry the man. Always the helper, never the
	helped. [to Al] So, what'd the doctor say you should do, you big sissy?

AL:     Well, he said I should maybe find myself a relaxing hobby. You know, uh, start a vegetable garden. 

BUD:    A vegetable garden? You started one of those when you had Kelly.

Bud, Peggy and Kelly all laugh. Kelly eventually realises and stops.
 
KELLY:  Hey. I thought we were supposed to be making fun of Dad here.
 
PEGGY:  You're right, honey. [looking at Al] A vegetable garden. Oh, can you see your father in a vegetable garden?

AL:     Hey, I can see myself in a vegetable garden. Out in the open air working with the land. You know, growin’
	stuff and eatin’ it. [getting up] Yep, that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna grow myself the bestest vegetable
        garden in the world. I'm gonna grow me some beans and tomaters. Potaters. Ham... corn...uh... I’m gonna fish-
 	-fish them little shrimps that I like. And bread, homegrown bread. And butter. And pizza with extra cheese.

AL leaves and heads out to the backyard.

PEGGY:  Kids, does anyone else here sense doom around here?

AL:     [to the tune of the Bonanza theme] Dum dee-dee dum dee-dee dum dee-dee vegetable gaaardennnn!

KELLY:  I think we all sense it, Mom.
 
AL:     [still off screen] Dum dee-dee dum dee-dee dum dee-dee dum corrrnn!


SCENE TWO

[Six weeks later]
Al is dressed in overalls and is gardening. Kelly and Bud stand next to him.
In the yard, Al has started a vegetable patch and it features a scarecrow made up to look like Peggy.

AL:     Kids, soon all this will be yourn.

BUD:    Well golly!

KELLY:  Hey, where'd you learn to farm and speak like a hick, Daddy?

AL:     Well kids, all you really need for farming is the right tools, a farmin’ state of mind, and your very own
	copy of Farmer Iggy's Almanac. Let's see what the Igster has to say this morning. [reads] Plant in the
        mornin’, vegetables a-bornin’.

Bud pats Al reassuredly on the shoulder and he and Kelly go inside. Peggy enters.

BUD:    Thanks a lot, Mom. Keen choice o’ dads.

Peggy approaches Al.

AL:     Look, Peg. The corn is as high as an elephant's eye.

PEGGY:  Oh honey, I couldn't be prouder of you if you thought you were Napoleon.
 
AL:     Come look at my beans, Peg. Been a long time since you seen a bean that size, eh babe?

PEGGY:  Yeah, you sure know how to grow ‘em, honey.

AL:     Soon we will have a bountiful harvest. And you’ll be cookin’, a’cannin’ and a-servin’. And I’ll be eatin’,
        a-belchin’ and a-purgin’. Yep, it's been a long time since we've been this happy, eh babe? [producing a pack]
        Want a cheek o' Redman?

PEGGY:  You're still not well are you?

AL:     Not by a long shot. But I'm happy. Now get thee in the house, woman. As farmer Iggy says: “Wife standin’
        near, soon comes a tear.” 

Peggy leaves.

AL:     Well, I thought she'd never leave. Now it's just you and me, hey guys? 
	[singing] Old MacBundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y, And on this farm there was no wife, B-U-N-D-Y, With a no
        wife here, and no kids there, a hooker coming over on Friday nights... big luscious hooters and a pizza and
        a beer there, Old MacBundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y. 
	[beat] I never felt so relaxed.

Al's carrots suddenly disappear one by one from beneath the ground. A rabbit then pokes up through the hole and
vanishes again quickly. Al spots him and tried to get him. He sticks his hand in the hole.
 
AL      Hey! Rabbit, give me back my carrots! Ow! Bite me will you? Well, listen to this, buddy. No one bites Al
	Bundy and lives. [POV from under the hole] Kiss your Bonnie bunny butt goodbye, rabbit, ‘cause you’re one
        dead... [Al suddenly reels back] Peg, he peed on me!

He runs into the house.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Peggy, Kelly and Bud are sitting on lawn chairs in the backyard, facing Al's garden and sipping cool drinks.

BUD:    Hey Kel, did you hear about Billy's dad? He just made vice president of his company.

KELLY:  Hey Bud, did you know that Holly's dad, after many long years of work, started his own company?

PEGGY:  Well, this must be the year of the successful dad, ha. Let's see how yours is doing.

Al is on his hands and knees, holding a hose down the rabbit hole. 

AL:     Let's see if you can swim as well as you can steal, you buck toothed bandit.

PEGGY:  Is he not successful too, who foams from the mouth and lies sputtering on the ground?

AL:     Gardening has calmed me down, and you just can't stand it, can ya!? Well, you'll be cheering me when this
        bunny comes floating belly-up.
 
KELLY:  Yeah, you'll be a real hero, Dad. We can hear ‘em singing now: “Kilt him a bunny when he was forty-three.”

AL:     No rabbit's foot for you, young lady!
 
BUD:    Dad, you've had the hose on for 4 hours now and the ground isn't even wet. Where's all that water going?

AL:     How the hell should I know where it's going? I don't even know where it's coming from when it comes out of
        the hose. I just I just wish I could go with it. Shh! I hear some squishing sounds. 

The squishing sounds belong to Marcy, who is walking into the Bundys' backyard. Her dress is soaked up to above the
knees. She smacks Al on the butt with a newspaper.

AL:     Ow!

MARCY:  What did you do?

PEGGY:  Gee Marcy, what happened to you?

MARCY:  What happened to me? I finally got a date. A successful man. A handsome man. Sure, he was married but he was
        gonna leave her. He told me so. He told me his wife didn't understand him. Like what's so hard to understand
        about a 40-year-old man who likes to be spanked for his sins? Anyway, we get back to my house, I open the
        door and step into my living room pond. It seems that some idiot stuck a hose in the ground and left the
        water on all day. So I was wondering - have you seen an idiot with a hose anywhere?

AL:     Hey Marcy, you've given me a good idea. Bring your head over here by the hole. He'll think it's a cabbage and
        then we'll have him.

MARCY:  Look Al, we all appreciate the fact that you're insane and that you need a relaxing hobby, but maybe this
        gardening thing is just a little too challenging at this point in your life. Have you tried Silly Putty on
        the comics page?

PEGGY:  He has. He just couldn't get the egg open.

MARCY:  Oh. Well. I will be sending you a bill for the damage. And if you do not pay, I will sue you for everything
        you've got and that includes my garbage cans.
 
BUD:    Great. That leaves us with nothing in the will.
 
KELLY:  Well, I guess we're just gonna have to make it on our good looks. [to Bud] See you on skid row, bacon face.

PEGGY:  We're all getting cranky, Al. Did you get that rabbit yet?

AL:     [stopping the water flow] Are you kidding me? I must have poured a million gallons of water down that hole.
        I flooded the whole block and every living thing in it. Now, if that rabbit’s still alive, I'm yours tonight.

Al smiles, but the rabbit reappears, popping out of its hole. 
Al reacts, and dashes back over to the hole to try to grab the rabbit.

PEGGY:  You know, the sad part is I don't really want him. But a promise is a promise. 

Peggy gets up and grabs Al and starts to drag him in to the house.

AL:     [to the rabbit] Now look what you've done! You'll be screaming worse than me, I'm telling you! I'll get you
        for this! I'll make you pay for this, I'm telling you!


SCENE TWO

Evening. Peggy, Kelly and Bud are sitting on the couch wearing gas masks.
Outside, there is a cloud of smoke bellowing across the porch. Al then enters with a can of poison.
 
AL:     Okay, I'm all through with the poison now. You can take off your masks. [They remove their masks] Um, not you
        Peg. Uh, yours wasn't working anyway.

KELLY:  Bud, Dad said that you could take your mask off. 

Kelly laughs at her joke. Bud does not.

BUD:    Eat Dad's okra.

KELLY:  Lick his onions.

PEGGY:  Kids! Kids, let's not forget that Daddy is the enemy here.

Kelly and Bud quickly look at each other apologetically, then the three of them turn back to glare at Al.

PEGGY:  There, now that's better. [to Al] Honey, do you think it's wise to indiscriminately spray poison on a windy
        day?

AL:     Peg, if you want to make a rabbit omelette, sometimes you gotta break some eggs. But don't worry about it. 
        I read the directions very carefully. It's non-toxic to everything but rabbits. 

Marcy enters. Her hair is smoking.

MARCY:  Hi there. Anyone been spraying poison?
 
AL:     Why do you ask?
 
MARCY:  Well, there I was out in our backyard, you know, drying my TV from the flooding, when a bald eagle came to
        drink from my bird feeder. 

BUD:    Wow! We haven't had a bald eagle spotted in this area for years. 

MARCY:  I know. They're very rare and beautiful, except when they're twitching and hacking their guts out on my lawn.
        You really should have seen it. It was quite an excruciating death. 

PEGGY:  Way to go Al. Why don't you throw one of your socks out the window and try for the last dodo?

AL:     Well, I like to think that I'm the last dodo, Peg. But more importantly, I'm gonna have some vegetables,
        ‘cause there's no way in the world that rabbit could have survived that death cloud I let loose on the
        neighborhood. 

The rabbit, unscathed, hops past the backdoor.

AL:     It lives. Okay, fine. I didn't ask for a hobby. I hate vegetables. But I need that garden to relieve my
        stress, damn it! And I will have that garden if I have to kill every single living thing in this entire
        stinking planet. This is war. 


SCENE THREE

Peggy, Kelly and Bud are sitting at the kitchen table.

PEGGY:  Al, what are you doing? 

Al comes downstairs. He is dressed like Elmer Fudd and is carrying a shotgun.

AL:     [Fudd-like] Be vewy, vewy quiet. I’m huntin’ wabbit. 

BUD:    Oh boy.

Kelly gets up and brings Al to the couch with her.

KELLY:  Daddy, let me give you some advice. Um, I've been watching these television shows about rabbits. Don't put
        the barrel of the gun down the hole because what they do is they'll tie it in a knot so that it explodes in
        your face! Or sometimes what they'll do is, they'll make it really long and curved so that it comes out from
        a hole behind you, and you shoot yourself in the butt. To be forewarned is to have four arms. 

BUD:    Well, Princeton’s loss is The Gap’s gain.

Al goes outside.

AL:     Oh Mister Wabbit! Come and get a tasty cawwot!

Two shotgun blasts are heard.

BUD:    Well, at least he didn't shoot himself in the foot. 
PEGGY:  Hmph. Give him a minute. 

Another shot, then Al screams.

AL:     Ah! Ow, my foot! Ow, my foot!

Al runs cartoonishly past the back door.


SCENE FOUR

Later. Peggy and Kelly are on the couch, while Bud is standing at the back door watching for Al.

PEGGY:  What's he doing now? 

BUD:    Well, he's got the flamethrower. He's aiming it at the hole. He shoots... [yard lights up] and misses. 

PEGGY:  Garden on fire? 

BUD:    Yep. And so is Mrs. Rhoades’ fence. Whoa! Look at her big tree go! Well, at least he didn't shoot himself in
        the foot.
 
PEGGY:  Hmph. Give him a minute. 

A big flame grazes the back yard.
Al then limps inside and up the stairs, his foot smoking.

AL:     Ow, my foot! Ow, my.. Ow!  Oh fire!  Ow, my foot! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh!


SCENE FIVE

Al has reached peak insanity - he is stuffing a tube of dynamite into a fake carrot.

BUD:    So this is how it ends, eh, Mom? 

PEGGY:  As long as it ends. 

KELLY:  Daddy?
 
AL:     [crazily] What?

KELLY:  Nothing.

AL:     Good. Now, I put this down his little hole, and I light the fuse, and bye bye rabbit!

Al goes outside to plant his carrot.
Peggy, Kelly and Bud exchange nods in agreement, then each of them puts on a hard hat.
Al comes back in, excited.

AL:     The fuse is lit and we'll be hit by bunny bits any second now. 

PEGGY:  Now do you see the importance of an education, kids? 

Al starts putting his fingers in his ears, but Bud halts him.

BUD:    Uh, Dad, before your fingers hit pay dirt, are you sure you didn't use too much dynamite? 

AL:     Son, if dynamite was dangerous, do you think they’d sell it to an idiot like me? Now, nothing can go wrong.
        I've taken every precaution. 

BUD:    Including making sure it was nowhere near a gas line? 

Al looks wary. He subtly takes Peggy's hard hat off her head without noticing and puts it on his.

AL:     Hit the dirt. 

They all duck.
A comically huge explosion occurs.


SCENE SIX

The Bundys and Marcy are sitting in the backyard. They are all bandaged in some way. 
The yard is in disarray and Al's vegeatble patch is now a huge hole.

PEGGY:  You know, it's such a beautiful day. I hardly miss the house at all. 

MARCY:  It was a nice explosion, wasn't it? But on the good side, the ensuing fire did dry out my living room. But
        the sun would have done that anyway, since I no longer have a roof. 

KELLY:  Well, that's odd. We have two. 

BUD:    Yeah, one for each wall in my room. 

AL:     Nobody's asked me how my stress is.
 
PEGGY:  Oh, we’re sorry. How’s your stress, lint-for-brains?

AL:     I'm mellow. You know why? You don't see a rabbit out here do you? 

PEGGY:  Sure don’t honey. You did real good. 

AL:     That's all I wanted to hear. 

We see inside the living room and it is a complete mess.
The rabbit is unharmed and he jumps on the couch.

AL:     You know, I really feel good. Carrot?

Al eats his carrot as the camera zoom in on him, Looney Tunes style.
 
PEGGY:  That’s Al, folks! 


THE END