Regular Cast

Ed O'Neill .............. Al Bundy
Katey Sagal ............. Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse ........... Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate ..... Kelly Bundy
David Faustino .......... Bud Bundy
Buck the Dog ............ Buck


Guest Cast

Leonard Lightfoot ....... Oliver
Phil Fondacaro .......... Alien
Debbie Lee Carrington ... Alien
Tony Cox ................ Alien
Patty Malony ............ Alien
Felix Silla ............. Alien
Susie Rossitto .......... Alien
Male Voice .............. Larry McKay
Buck's voice ............ Kevin Curran
 



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

Peg, Kelly and Bud sit on the couch. Peggy wears a nightgown and robe.

BUD    Well, I'm not gonna go.

KELLY  Me neither. Daddy doesn't like me driving his car.

PEGGY  Well, I'm not gonna go.

BUD    He's your husband. You go pick him up.

PEGGY  Kids, we have been arguing like this ever since your daddy called to say he'd
       taken a bad fall and hurt his head. One of us has to go get him. There's only
       one way to settle this. Once, twice, three, shoot!

Kelly and Bud put out two fingers, Peggy puts out one.

PEGGY  [Quickly] Two out of three, two out of three. Once, twice, three...

Al enters, wearing a winter coat. He has a bump on his temple.

PEGGY  Hi, honey. We were just deciding who was going to get you.

AL     Why not use the method you used on our wedding day? Y'know, have a couple of
       your Uncles baseball bat my knees and throw me in the trunk of their car.
       Or were they stuck in Wanker County, where, as Einstein would have put it,
       everyone's relative.
 
PEGGY  See why I didn't want to go pick him up, kids?

Kelly and Bud nod, understanding.

AL     How was I injured, you ask? Well, there I was, wading through the Mall's
       Wishing Pond for change. I saw a quarter, way far out. People can't just 

drop 
       the quarter and make a wish. No, they've gotta whip it out there. I guess they
       think dreams do come true when you get closer to the drain. Well, that quarter
       was just within my reach, when I slipped on some Wishing Pond Slime, and did a
       header into the granite statue of the Goddess of the Malls, Half-ofious. Kids,
       you almost lost your daddy!

KELLY  Did you get the quarter, Daddy?

AL     No! It turned out to be a pull-tab from a beer. Who the hell would throw a      

  beer tab in a wishing well?

Kelly looks guilty.

KELLY  [Defensive] How would I know? 

PEGGY  [Concerned] Poor Al. After such a trying night you must be hungry.

AL     Thanks, Peg, I am hungry. Very hungry. [They stare at him] Well, goodnight.

PEGGY  Goodnight, honey.

Al starts up the stairs. He holds his head and exits woozily.

BUD    Mom, I'm worried. What if Dad was lying about the beer tab and he really did
       get the quarter?

PEGGY  We'll know soon enough. With a head injury like that, he can't be conscious
       much longer.


DISSOLVE TO:


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

The bedroom.
Peggy is fast asleep, Al's wide awake.

AL     [Poking her awake] Peg. Peg. I can't sleep. I keep thinking of all
       those dimes and nickels I passed up just to get a stupid beer tab. It's so
       typical of my life. Always this close [holds up two fingers close together] 
       to the quarter. God my head hurts.

PEGGY  Well, maybe you'll have the sense to wear a helmet the next time you go
       a-coinin. Goodnight honey.

AL     You know what would make me feel better? a nice icepack.

PEGGY  Al, you always do this. One little injury and you get all whiny. Like last
       summer when you were changing a tire and the car fell on you. Boy, I got a lot
       of sleep that night. "I can't feel my legs, I can't feel my legs." You are
       such a baby sometimes. Now go to sleep. Some of us feel okay. [Beat, 

then] 
       Honey, rub my tushie so I can go to sleep.

Al sighs, reaches under the bed and gets out a baseball glove. He puts it on, and 
rolls it over her behind. In a few beats, she's out cold. 
Al sighs and takes off the glove.

AL     [Sadly] Yep, once a mighty athlete.

He puts the glove away, then
EFX: A FLASH OF LIGHT

AL     Peg, Peg. Did you see that?

She's asleep. Suddenly, a head appears in the bedroom window. 
Al grabs Peggy's head, turning her face toward the window.

AL     Look!

Peggy tiredly looks, but the head is gone.

PEGGY  There's nothing there. Go to sleep, Al.

She rolls over, goes back to sleep. A head appears in the window again. Then, another 
head. The aliens start crawling in the window. Al stares, frozen with fear. He mouths 
"Peg", but no words come. 
They walk over to Al's shoes and socks on the floor. They take one of his socks, and 
leave. A beat, then Al rushes to the window. He looks out, then rushes to Peggy.

AL     Peg! Peg! Wake up. Three little green aliens took one of my sock!

PEGGY  [Not looking up] Were they green before or after they touched your socks, Al?

AL     No really. They took my sock. It really happened.

PEGGY  Al, you banged your head tonight. It must have been a hallucination. You're
       probably seriously hurt and need medical attention. Now go to sleep.

She rolls over. Al shrugs, and sighs. Suddenly, one, two, then three green heads 
appear in the window. the third head appears in the top of the window peering in
upside down, they wave. Al looks panicked and dives under the covers. 
A beat, then Peggy looks up, smiling.

PEGGY  Oh, baby.

She goes under the covers. Al whimpers.


DISSOLVE TO:       


ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

Peg, Kelly and Bud are sitting in the living room.

PEGGY  Well, someone has to pick Daddy up at the doctor. [The kids look away] Okay.
       Once, twice, three...
 
Al enters. 

AL     Don't bother. I'm home. Y'know, it's funny. After a couple of hours I realized
       you weren't gonna pick me up. So I decided, hey, my head hurts. And I'm dizzy.
       What better time to take the bus? So, five transfers later, and a quick jaunt
       through gang country where we stopped briefly, so that all the white males
       could be singled out and beaten, I'm home at last. 

PEGGY  Did you remember to bring home a TV Guide?

He sighs and pulls one out. Peggy, Kelly and Bud grab it and pore through it.

AL     What did the doctor say, you ask? Well, don't worry. Though it looks 

bad, 
       and might have killed me, it's just a nasty, painful bruise. I just need some 
       rest. [Al sits on the couch] Anybody call?

KELLY  Yes. The Loch Ness Monster called. He and Big Foot wanted to know if you're
       still on for poker tomorrow over at Darth Vader's. The Klingons are bringing
       the chips.

They laugh at Al.

AL     Oh, thank you, Peg. Must you tell them everything that happens in the bedroom?

PEGGY  One thing happens in five years and I'm not supposed to talk about it? Well,
       we're going to the movies. Come on, kids, we have to pick up Marcy. We might
       be a little late, honey. I hear the Octopus People are running amuck downtown,
       and you know what that does to traffic.

Bud hands Al a ring.

BUD    If there's any trouble, blow on this. The Alien Police will come save you.

They laugh and exit. 
Al sighs, kicks off his shoes and props his feet on the coffee table. He sees Buck
staring at him.

AL     What are you looking at? Ah, maybe I didn't see 'em. After all, if a great dog
       like you didn't sense their presence and bark, I must be going crazy.

Al turns on the TV with the remote. There is static.
SFX: TV STATIC

AL     What the hell's wrong with the TV?

The door opens. Six small green aliens walk in. Al reacts. They carry geiger
counter-like tools, and one has a forked rod that leads it around the room.

AL     Hey. It's okay with me. I have a head injury, and you're not really there.
 
Two aliens concentrate on Al, measuring his head, his nose.

AL     Nope. I don't see anybody.

Then they take his socks off his feet. Al blows the ring that bud gave him. He looks
pathetic. The alien with the forked rod is drawn to the laundry bag near the kitchen 

counter. All six congregate and pull out many of Al's socks. The aliens join hands 
and dance in a circle, making glee noises. Carrying socks, they exit. One pauses to 

pat Buck. The he pats Al on the head and exits. The TV goes on.
SFX: TV PROGRAM

AL     [Into ring] Help me. The moon men have my socks. [Beat] Over. 

On his worried look, we:


DISSOLVE TO:


ACT ONE

SCENE FOUR

The living room is empty. Peggy, Kelly, Bud and Marcy enter.

PEGGY  Al? Al? I guess he's not home.

MARCY  He couldn't be far. The stench of failure is still in the air.

Peggy opens the closet to hang up her coat. We see Al, huddled in the closet, 

clutching a baseball bat. With one hand he gives Spock's Vulcan sign.

PEGGY  Hi, honey.

AL     Take my socks and go in peace.

PEGGY  Kids, go upstairs and pack Daddy's bags. He may be going "away" for a while.

Bud and Kelly head upstairs.

KELLY  I just know he's going to linger on and eat away at our savings.

BUD    Don't worry, Kel. We can just get a pillow and pull a Cuckoo's Nest on him.

KELLY  Cool.

They exit.

PEGGY  [Soothing] Come on out, honey.

He hesitantly starts out.

MARCY  Boo.

He jumps back in the closet and slams the door.

PEGGY  Now look what you've done.

MARCY  Oh, he sells shoes. What's the difference?

Peggy opens the closet door. Al is a quivering mass of terror.

PEGGY  Come on, sweetie. Marcy only did that because she loves you. 

MARCY  No, I did it because he calls me Sergeant Carter hair.

PEGGY  Shh. Now come on, honey. [He comes out] Good boy. Now sit on the couch and
       tell us what happened.

AL     You'll laugh at me.

PEGGY  We won't laugh.

AL     The aliens came back and took my socks.

Peggy and Marcy laugh at him.

MARCY  Isn't it funny how UFOs always visit idiots? Well, I guess they went up to the
       last idiot and said "Take us to your leader."

She points at him and laughs.

AL     Look. You gotta believe me. They walked in, took the socks off my feet,
       measured my head, and took the socks out of the laundry basket. Does that
       sound like the ramblings of an idiot?  Ask Buck, he was here.

PEGGY  "Ask Buck?" okay... [Kneels by Buck] Come on now, Buck. Tell us what you and
       daddy saw. [Buck stares] Uh-huh... Uh-huh... good boy. Well, he says he can
       vouch for five aliens. But you know he's nothing without his calculator.

MARCY  We're sorry, Al. We shouldn't have doubted you. You know, "UFO Digest" is
       pledged to pay one million dollars to anyone with real proof of aliens having
       visited. And with your dog's testimony and your standing in the community,
       that million is as good as yours.

Peggy and Marcy laugh.

AL     Laugh if you will, but answer me this. If there weren't any aliens, how do you
       explain these?

He holds up his feet.

PEGGY  Well, if we were in Russia, I'd say "Chernobyl."

AL     Okay, fine. You're officially out. I'm writing it down. No millions for Peggy.
       Anyone else got any lip? Good. Now, alert the media, for I, Al, hands across    
       the universe Bundy, will prove that somewhere out there are six little green
       men planning to take over the Earth with my socks.

PEGGY  Well, thank God the Earth still has your underwear as a final line of defence.

He sneers at her.


END OF ACT ONE



ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Bundy bedroom - later that night. 
We follow a "sock trail" laid from the window, over to around the corner of the bed. 

There, Al crouches, camera in hand. Peggy sits up in bed and watches him.

PEGGY  Al, when you fell in the pond, exactly how long were you underwater?

AL     Peg, haven't you learned by now that nothing reveals itself in our bedroom
       while you're talking?

PEGGY  Al, you've been sitting there for three hours doing nothing. If you're gonna
       keep doing that, you might as well get a job at the post office. You don't
       mind if I sleep, do you?

AL     I don't mind if you never wake up.

PEGGY  Y'know, honey, there may be a more logical explanation to all this. What you
       saw might have been an angel, taking your socks off to heaven. Just hope they
       can't talk, or know where you'll be going. Goodnight, sweetheart.

AL     Goodbye, Peg.


DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

Bundy bedroom - later.
Peggy is asleep. The sock trail's all still there, and Al is still waiting. 
He starts to nod off, then wakes himself.

AL     Nothing. I give up.

Wearily, he gets ready for bed, pulling off his shoes and socks. 
Instantly, the aliens are there. They crawl in through the window. 
The aliens take his worn socks.

AL     Have to be "used", huh? Of course! The others were new! 

Al starts snapping photos of them.


WE GO TO A MONTAGE 


  1. Al takes a picture of aliens holding up socks.
  2. An alien takes a picture of Al with other aliens on his knees.
  3. They take a "team" picture, some on their knees, some behind.
  4. Phil and Debbie point at Peggy holding their nose. Sue takes picture. 
  5. Everyone does a "Whoa, Alien" in succession. Sue takes picture.
  6. One takes a picture of Al who takes a football quarterback pose.
  7. One is on the bed next to Peggy. He holds an after sex cigarette. 
  8. They sit in a semi-circle. T.C. holds a guitar. Sue takes picture.


DISSOLVE TO:
  

ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

AL     Thanks, guys. Before you go, you sure you don't want the redhead here for your
       intergalactic zoo?

They shake their heads "No".

AL     Ah, I don't blame you. Well, live long and prosper. I know I will.

They leave. Al kisses the camera, and jumps up on the bed. He dances gleefully.

AL     I'm rich! I'm gonna get the million dollars.

PEGGY  [Half wakes up. Sarcastic] Did the aliens come, honey?

AL     Uh... No.

He hugs the camera.

PEGGY  Well, you woke me up. Rub my tushy, honey.

Al tosses her the baseball glove.

AL     Rub it yourself.

He cha-chas out of the room with his camera.


DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO 

SCENE FOUR

"Photorama" store - the next day.
All around the counter are signs saying "We make memories", "we care... deeply", "Our 
mission: your pictures", "Gosh, we care"

AL     [O.S.] [Sings] Day-O! Day ay ay O! 

Al enters. He carries a suitcase. He wears a white suit, no shirt, a panama hat, and 
sunglasses.

AL     [Sings] Pictures come and I never go home. [He rings the bell] One blonde, two
       blondes, three blondes, Uhh! Pictures come and I never go home.  

A man, Oliver, enters from the back room. He wears an orange uniform and a big smile. 
He puts his hand over Al's hand to quiet the bell.

OLIVER Hey, Mr Tallyman. We don't need the whole song. May I help you?

AL     I want my pictures. I've got cars to buy, planes to catch, families to leave. 

OLIVER Name?

AL     Bundy. But it'll soon change. Give me my pictures.

Al paces excitedly as Oliver looks through the file.

OLIVER Bundy, Bundy. Is that Al Bundy? Thirty-six exposure, sixteen hundred ISO?

AL     Yes. yes.

OLIVER Uh-oh.

AL     What?

OLIVER Y' know, this has only happened one other time since we've been at this
       location.

AL     What happened?

OLIVER Well, do you know anything about film developing?

AL     No!

OLIVER Well, neither do we. But we learn as we go. Today we learned that when the
       machine jams, you don't use a flashlight around negatives. But, it could have
       been worse.

AL     How?

OLIVER Could have been mine.

Al grabs him.

AL     Look. Those pictures are very important to me and my future. And your future. 
       Tell me, there's something, anything you can do.

OLIVER [Smiling, reassuring] There is. [Picks up Al's little picture-ticket] Because 
       you saved your receipt. So we will happily replace your lost film with a shiny
       new roll. Sound good?

He hands Al a new roll of film.


DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO 

SCENE FIVE

Al sits on the couch, just staring. Peggy sits next to him.

PEGGY  When's your court date, Al?

AL     [Continues staring] Next Thursday.

PEGGY  Congratulations. It's not everyday a Bundy gets arrested for assaulting a
       Photorama clerk. Of course, "Right" was on your side. After all, he did lose 
       your photos of little green guys.

AL     That's right. Play with the Piranha.

PEGGY  Well, honey. I'm going to see your lawyer. He may not know that a previous 
       Judge already declared you legally stupid. It may help with your defence.

She exits.
Al sighs, looking over at Buck.

AL     What are you looking at? They were real. You saw 'em. If you could talk you'd
       back me up, wouldn't you?

BUCK   [V.O.] Yeah, right. Mad men they lock up. Mad dogs they shoot.

The door opens. The aliens enter.

AL     Of course. [They crowd around Al] You guys came to see the pictures, didn't
       you? [The aliens all nod eagerly] Well, the Photorama guy lost the film. [The
       aliens shrug, making understanding noises. A couple shake their heads in
       remembered similar fashion. Then, they gather into a group pose] Nah, no more
       photos. I smashed my camera on some guy's head. See guys, there's something
       you have to know about me. Even if I took your pictures again, something would
       go wrong. Nothing ever goes right for me. Nothing I do matters. I try, but Al
       Bundy just wasn't meant to count.

The aliens put their hands up in a "why me" gesture. They pat his head tenderly. Two 
nestle their heads on his shoulder. He nods, appreciating. Then they turn and stare
at his socks.

AL     Want my socks? [The aliens bounce in place. Al takes his shoes, then socks,
       off] You guys wouldn't mind coming on Geraldo with me, would you? [The aliens
       reluctantly point first at their wrists where watches would be, then, up to
       the sky] Gotta go, huh? I understand.

The aliens start to go. Al raises a hand to detain them.

AL     Tell me just one thing. Why my socks?

The aliens are willing. They hold up Al's socks and say

ALIENS Mizzoozoo.

SUPER: "FUEL"

Al looks at them, of course not comprehending. Nods philosophically. 
Then he gives them the Vulcan sign.

Al     Mizzoozoo.

The aliens leave.

Aliens are exiting, waving. Al waves back. When the door shuts, he nods sadly, and
picks up the remote, blankly changing channels.

FLIP TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE SIX

STOCK FOOTAGE: "Star Wars" style shot of a starry night sky
MUSIC: Heroic instrumental 

Music lowers as a dramatic male V.O. begins, as the following is also being supered a 

la "Star Wars".


MALE [V.O.] 
        
      Long ago, in the galaxy
        Euryops, a great,
        menacing comet was
      born. Colossal in size,
       deadly in trajectory,
      it hurtled unstoppable
       through the Universe,
       on a collision course
        with many inhabited 
        planets. Among the 
        doomed was a small
        green world called
       Earth. But on planet
       Philydion they still
       sing songs of the man
       who made it possible
         for the comet to
          be destroyed.
        The man who saved
       Earth and a hundred
       worlds, by providing
        fuel for the ships
        which diverted the
         comet. And that 
             man is...


FLIP TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE SEVEN

As moments before when we left him, Al sits dejectedly staring at the TV and flipping 
channels on the remote.

MALE [V.O.]  ... Al Bundy!!

MUSIC CUE: Heroic music swells

Al sighs, scratches an armpit, flips a channel.


FADE OUT


END OF ACT TWO





                      PRODUCER  Kevin Curran
          SUPERVISING PRODUCER  Ellen L. Fogle
          SUPERVISING PRODUCER  Ralph R. Farqhar
         CO-EXECUTIVE PRODUCER  Katherine Green
         CO-EXECUTIVE PRODUCER  Arthur Silver
           EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS  Ron Leavitt and Michael G. Moye

                   DIRECTED BY  Gerry Cohen
                    WRITTEN BY  Ellen L. Fogle
                    CREATED BY  Michael G. Moye and Ron Leavitt 
                   PRODUCED BY  Barbara Blachut Cramer