Written by
Katherine Green



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - DAY

(PEGGY, KELLY AND BUD ENTER WEARING THEIR "NEW MARKET MALLERS" SOFTBALL UNIFORMS. THEY'RE IN A
 FOUL MOOD)

KELLY   I can't believe we lost to a team like that. What are monks, anyway?

BUD     It's an order of holy men they wouldn't let be nuns.

PEGGY   We beat the cowls off of 'em last year. How could this happen?

BUD     Well, let's see. You played good, Kelly.

KELLY   And you played good, Bud. And Mom played good.

(AL COMES IN BENT OVER, A WRECK OF A HUMAN BEING)

PEGGY   (DRYLY) Nice game, Al.

AL      Well, I made a couple of errors.

BUD     Ten, Dad.

AL      Those were not my fault. Besides, the sun was in my eyes all afternoon.

PEGGY   That happens when you're flat on your back.

AL      I just have a few nagging injuries. I'll be fine by next week's game.

KELLY   I'm not so sure, Daddy. My friends at the mall have a name for people when they get like
        you. We call 'em "crippled old men".

PEGGY   Face it, Al. You're the reason we lost today. You couldn't bend because of your back
        sprain. You couldn't run because of your groin pull. You can't make a living because of
        your brain pull...

AL      Oh why, oh why did my love of life go down the day after our marriage?

PEGGY   Just about everything went down after our marriage, Al.

AL      No, dear. The price of blinders went up. (GRABS HIS LEG) Whoa. Crampin' up here.

PEGGY   Al, it was embarrassing the way you missed everything out there today. It was like you
        were in the bathroom.

AL      Hey, I still could've pulled that game out for us, as usual, if it wasn't for a bunch of
        stupid calls by that dumb ump.

(MARCY ENTERS WEARING UMPIRE EQUIPMENT)

MARCY   Very funny making me walk home. People yelling out their window, "Ninja Turtle, Ninja
        Turtle!"

AL      I just hope you're happy, Hermit Woman. You're the reason we lost. Your bad calls and the 
        way you make them. (MOCKING HER) Strike thre-e-e-e!!

MARCY   A lot of fans feel I add color to the game. And it diverts attention from you slinking
        back to the dugout after your turn at the plate, dragging a bat like your grandfather
        dragged a club.

(AL ALMOST BUMPS HER IN PROTEST)

MARCY   Watch it or you're outta the house.

AL      The game's over. Which means that threat, much like your bed, is empty.

(AL SITS ON THE COUCH. PEGGY JOINS HIM)

PEGGY   Al, are your personal assaults on the umpire of next week's game your way of telling us
        you're going to sit that one out?

(MARCY SITS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF AL)

MARCY   You don't mean he's still thinking of playing after the way he embarrassed you guys
        today?

PEGGY   She's right, Al. Maybe it'd be best for all concerned if you just quit.

AL      Al Bundy is not a quitter. If he was he would only have one child.

(KELLY SMILES SMUGLY, THEN FROWNS)

KELLY   (CONFUSED) Which one?

MARCY   You know Al is so typical of a man when he gets his age. In his head he thinks he's still
        young. But look at him. Two hundred pounds of hairless, mindless, aging monkey meat.

AL      Kids, you know professional wrestling? Wouldn't it be great if Daddy could just take Mrs.
        Rhoades and pile drive her into the carpet? Slam! Then rake her eyes across the back of
        the couch. Varoom!

MARCY   It's too bad some men don't know how to give up their sports gracefully instead of
        lingering on like big babies.

AL      Airplane spin. Then boom! Count of two, but she pulls me away. So I give her the ol' knee
        drop. Bang!

PEGGY   I know. It's sad when a man doesn't know he's over the hill. I guess I was the first to
        know during the honeymoon. He said he was just tired. But he wasn't, you know.

AL      Mrs. Rhoades taps out to the big redhead. Flying legs lock. Wham! The crowd demands
        blood. (SMILING) Funny, my back doesn't hurt anymore.

MARCY   Well, at least your team is still in first place.

BUD     We won't be if we lose again next week.

KELLY   Yeah, we'll fall to... whatever is below that.

BUD     That would be your I.Q.

PEGGY   It sure would've been nice to finish on top... but much like in sex, I'm dreaming.

AL      Don't worry, kids and death of me yet, I'll come through for you next week. I always
        have. I always will. Peg, help me up.

MARCY   (RISES) I think I'll go home and practice my strike out calls. Al, since you're the one
        who'll be seeing them the most, which do you like best, the moon walking steer-ike, or
        the lawn mower steee-steee-stee...

(AL SLAMS THE DOOR IN HER FACE)

AL      And I don't want to hear anymore about me sitting the next game out. You know as well as
        I do I'm the reason we're nine and three. I am nine.

BUD     You're also the three.

AL      Hey! I didn't say I couldn't use a little help. I shouldn't have to carry you guys
        every game. The male bull doesn't carry the cow and calves on his back, why should I?
        Bud, you need a little work with the bat. This week I want you to go to sleep holding
        one.

BUD     Okay, Dad.

KELLY   Boy! It's going to be awfully crowded in that bed now with the bat, the teddy and the
        rubberwoman.

AL      As for you, young lady. You've got a rifle arm and you're unusually good with a bat. But,
        what you've got to remember is that first base comes before second.

KELLY   You said there'd be no math in baseball, Daddy.

BUD     It isn't her fault, Dad, usually with Kelly when a guy gets to second base he scores.

AL      This is serious, Bud. We've got to win that game next week. Now, I want you to go
        upstairs and help your sister learn to count.

(BUD AND KELLY EXIT)

AL      Now, Peg, sit down. You're our catcher, Peg. When someone throws home, just yelling "eek"
        doesn't make a lot of outs.

PEGGY   Shall we talk about some of your weaknesses?

AL      Check the trophy case, Peg, M. V. P.

PEGGY   Check your underwear, Al, ... D. O. A.

AL      Come on, Peg. We're talking about sliding into home, here.

PEGGY   So was I. Al, if you were half a man... and you are, you'd hang up your bat and glove
        while you can still lift them.

AL      No way, oh wind beneath my wings. As soon as I get everything iced and soaked and drained 
        I'll be fine. By next week the old Al Bundy will be good as new.


CUT TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - DAY

(PEGGY, KELLY AND BUD ENTER CARRYING AL)

BUD     How come I always get the feet?

(THEY LEAVE HIM ON THE FLOOR)

PEGGY   Great game, Al. You went three for three. Three outs, three injuries.

KELLY   I hate to say it, Daddy. But, today you were embarrassing with a capital "M".

AL      (STARES AT HER) How does she manage to feed herself?

BUD     I gotta go with Dumbalina on this one, Dad. Even moving you to first base didn't help.

AL      Of course it didn't. I'm a center fielder. I didn't want to move to first base. First
        base is for the old and fat.

PEGGY   Well maybe you can change all that. From now on it can be for the poor and smelly.

BUD     Dad, lots of players finished up their careers at first base. Willy Mays, Mickey Mantle,
        Johnny Bench.

AL      They had to. They were old. I just have a few nagging injuries... my leg, my wrist, your
        mother. God willing, they'll all be gone soon. In the meantime, I think I'll go upstairs
        and take a hot shower. (GROANS AS HE STANDS UP AND STARES AT THE STAIRS) We don't have a
        hot shower downstairs, do we?

PEGGY   No, but after you're through, if you want, I'll bring in some oil and a comb and work on
        your back.

AL      No, that's okay. I'll just stretch out on the nylons and girdle in the bathtub and soak
        for awhile.

(AL EXITS UPSTAIRS)

KELLY   Why did Daddy have to turn eighty just when we had a chance to win?

BUD     Now Bob's Cheese Factory has tied us for first place, thanks to Mr. Pop-it-back-in.

PEGGY   Well, if we can beat them next week, we'll still win the championship. (SHE GOES INTO A
        REVERIE) Win.

(THEY ALL THREE STARE INTO SPACE AND SIGH. WE HEAR AL GROAN FROM UPSTAIRS)

AL      (O.S.) Can't get my pants over my knees, Peg.

SFX: DOORBELL

PEGGY   The scissors are in the nightstand, honey. (STARTS TO THE DOOR) ... next to the razors.

AL      Auugh!

(PEGGY OPENS THE DOOR. THE OTHER FIVE MEMBERS OF THE SOFTBALL TEAM ENTER, LED BY ROY)

ROY     Ms. Bundy, Bundy children. Is your husband here?

PEGGY   Yeah. You want me to call him down?

ALL     No!

ROY     No, no. We have something to talk to you about. As you know, we still have high hopes to
        win the next game for the league championship. Now, we all know your husband was good
        once.

PEGGY   When was that? Oh, you mean baseball?

ROY     The general concensus is... correct me if I'm wrong... is Al stinks now and we want him
        to sit out next week's game. What do you say? Are you with us?

PEGGY   Well, it's a nice dream, but it wouldn't be right. I hate to be in the position of 
        defending my husband, but softball is important to him. It's what almost separates him
        from the apes.

ROY     Ordinarily, of course, we'd stand by Al, right guys?

REST    (AD-LIB) Yeah. Maybe. Depends.

ROY     But as luck would have it, we raided, I mean, we happened on a replacement. We'd like you 
        to meet Sven.

(SVEN ENTERS. YOUNG, ATTRACTIVE AND MUSCLES A BULGIN'. HE GRUNTS HELLO)

ROY     All those in favor of dumping Bundy raise your hands.

(EVERYONE BUT BUD AND KELLY RAISE THEIR HANDS, INCLUDING PEGGY. BUD AND KELLY STARE AT HER)

PEGGY   (LOOKS AT HER RAISED HAND) Oh. How'd that get up there?

FADE OUT:


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

BUD     Poor Dad. It looks like he's gonna have to sit out the biggest game of his whole failure
        of a life.

ROY     Well, not yet. According to team rules the vote has to be unanimous.

KELLY   Oh no. I was born a woman and I intend to stay one.

BUD     What Kelly was trying to say before that brain wave petrified is we can't go against Dad
        on this.

PEGGY   You have to forgive the kids. You see, they still think of Al as their father.

ROY     Believe me, we wouldn't ask if there was any other way. But how can any of us consider
        staying with Bundy now that we've got Sven, here. He's such a fine specimen. Totally 
        capable of taking over all the duties your husband formerly had.

PEGGY   Really?

T.MEMB2 He used to play for the Slaughterhouse team. This guy can hit a pig so hard that the pig
        behind it would pass out.

KELLY   Daddy was a centerfielder. Can this guy catch fly pigs?

SVEN    Yep.

ROY     Let's take another vote. All those for dumping Bundy raise your hand.

(EVERYONE BUT BUD AND KELLY RAISE THEIR HAND AGAIN, INCLUDING PEGGY)

PEGGY   Oh, come on kids. Mommy doesn't ask for many things.

KELLY   Mom, you know how important baseball is to Daddy. This isn't like voting for who's not
        gonna eat or who's not gonna get a Christmas present.

BUD     Yeah. Baseball and dandruff... that's all Dad's got. We can't toss him away like old
        meat. He's like a proud race horse.

KELLY   That's right. How do they retire proud race horses?

PEGGY   They shoot 'em in the head.

BUD     Sorry, guys. But a championship game isn't worth hurting our father for. See, let me tell
        you a little something about that man up there we call Dad. He'd kill for us. He really
        would. And I, for one, didn't go through puberty to have the Beejesus kicked out of me by 
        a man who's been like a father to us.

KELLY   That's right. It's just like I wrote in my fourth grade essay. "Daddy good, sleepy now."

(AL ENTERS FROM UPSTAIRS)

AL      Hey! My team is here to see me. Sorry about the slip ups today, guys, but don't worry.
        I'll be there for you, next week. Who's this guy?

ROY     Your replacement, we hope. Correct me if I'm wrong here, guys, but we think you stink,
        Bundy. Of course, we were hoping you'd hear it from your wife.

AL      Oh, stink, do I? I see some of us forget pretty darn quickly, don't we? Well, I don't.
        Let me paint a picture for you. May 6, 1982. You brought in a green fresh faced kid.
        Enter the Bundy era. You were 0 and ten. Bundy took the field. Let's talk about his
        glove. Four to three in the ninth against Bob's Cheese Factory. The cleanup man fires a
        hit through the hole... but no! Bundy dives for the ball, snares it and fires to first.
        M... V... P. June 9, 1983. The game on the line. The opposing team drills one to left
        field where, you, Schotz, were standing frozen. Bundy races to the fence and spears it.
        M... V... P. Now, I take you to Bundy on the base paths. A little dribbler hit by you,
        Pence. Bundy, needing to score to tie the game, lowers his head into the toughest catcher
        in the league and takes Ms. Shephouse, separating her shoulder and ending her career.
        Victory over the Shephouse Knitters. M... V... P.

(THE TEAM HANGS THEIR HEAD AS ONE)

AL      July 1st, 1989. The old war horse has lost a step but his bat still speaks. Down seven to 
        four, Bundy steps to the plate. Crack! Another victory. Another M... V... P. Now you may
        have forgotten these memorable moments in Bundy history but my family certainly hasn't.

ROY     Well, maybe we should take another vote.

AL      Why? You'd have to have a unanimous vote to get me out of next week's game and I happen
        to know my family here wouldn't do that to their old man. You last vote couldn't have
        been better than (AL COUNTS THE PEOPLE IN THE ROOM) six to three.

ROY     Seven to two.

(AL COUNTS AGAIN)

PEGGY   Oh, Al. It was me. But I did it for the good of the team and this beautiful Adonis had
        nothing to do with it. You were suffering out there.

AL      I'm suffering in here. You never said, "get out." Well, fair weather team, you still
        can't oust me because I have the votes of my children. 

(KELLY AND BUD PUT THEIR ARMS AROUND AL)

AL      Go ahead. Try.

ROY     All those...

AL      Wait a minute. I'd like to say something. Kids, I'm counting on you. I know I've said it
        before, but this time I really am. Remember, I'm your Daddy. 
        (SINGS)
        "D IS FOR DE MANY PIES I MADE YOU.
        A IS FOR THE APPLE IN HIS EYE. 
        (HE HUGS THEM)
        D IS FOR THE DISH YOU ATE THE PIE IN.
        D IS FOR THE APPLE IN HIS EYE.
        Y... BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.
        PUT THEM ALL TOGETHER IT SPELLS DADDY..."
        (HE STARTS TO CRY)
        I'm sorry. Take your old vote.


FLIP TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - DAY

(AL IS SITTING IN THE DUGOUT POUTING. WE HEAR A PUBLIC ADDRESS ANNOUNCER IN THE BACKGROUND)

ANNOUNC (V.O.) And starting for Al Bundy, Sven Hunkstrom.

AL      It'll be a cold day in hell when those kids get another pie out of me.

(PEGGY COMES OVER AND SITS BY HIM)

PEGGY   Come on, honey. You can still be of use to the team. Are you sure you don't want to put
        on the chicken suit? It'd make me and the kids feel better about turning on you if you
        show us you're having a good time.

AL      Peg, D is for the dead you're gonna be.

PEGGY   Honey, it'd mean a lot to me if you'd tell me you were... ooh! Sven's up.

AL      Good. This is where you all learn you can't win without me. Nobody takes Al Bundy's
        place.

(WE HEAR THE CRACK OF THE BAT. BUD AND KELLY WATCH FROM THE OTHER END OF THE DUGOUT)

BUD     It's a double.

AL      Kids, why are you sitting all the way over there for? Come sit next to Daddy.


DISSOLVE TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - DAY

MONTAGE SEQUENCE

(AS WE HEAR "WHEN I WAS 17" OR SOMETHING, WE SEE A SERIES OF SHOTS AS THE GAME PROGRESSES SUCH
 AS: SCOREBOARD SHOWS THE NEW MARKET MALLERS TRAILING 4-1. THE OTHER TEAM GETTING A HIT. AL
 CHEERS. BUD SLIDES INTO HOME, EVERYONE LOOKS AT MARCY WHO IS UMPIRING, MARCY WAITS, WAITS. THEN
 GIVES A FANCY OUT CALL. A BEER BOTTLE HITS HER IN THE CHEST. SCOREBOARD SHOWS 5-2. PEGGY,
 CATCHING, GETS THE BALL WAY AHEAD OF A RUNNER, THEN RUNS AWAY AS HE COMES BARRELING TOWARD THE
 PLATE. KELLY HITS. SCOREBOARD SHOWS 7-4, 9TH INNING, 1 OUT)

AL      Heh, heh, didn't need me, huh?

(A TEAM MEMBER GETS A HIT)

PEGGY   The bases are loaded for us and Sven's up after Bud.

(BUD HITS A POP UP. THE CATCHER CATCHES IT. MARCY MOON WALKS TOWARD SVEN, WHO IS STARTING TO THE
 PLATE)

MARCY   Yer-rrr out!!

(SHE MAKES AN EXAGGERATED OUT GESTURE WITH HER THUMB WHICH HITS SVEN IN THE EYE, THUS BLINDING
 HIM. SVEN HITS THE DECK)

MARCY   Heee's blind.

ROY     Oh, great. Now what do we do? We'll have to get someone to bat for him.

(THEY ALL LOOK TO AL. AL LOOKS AROUND)

AL      Gee. Who can we get? Maybe there's no one.

ROY     Excuse me, Mrs. Bundy. We think your husband's a really terrific guy... correct me if I'm
        wrong.

(EVERYONE NODS OR SHRUGS)

ROY     And we think you should ask him to hit for Sven.

PEGGY   Oh, yeah. This'll be easy.

BUD     Mom, you've gotta. It's for the championship.

KELLY   Do it Mom. The worst he can do is hurl you over the fence like a used condom... whatever
        that is.

PEGGY   All right. If anything happens, tell Sven my last thoughts were of him.

(PEGGY CROSSES TO AL AND SITS)

PEGGY   (CHILD-LIKE) Honey. Do you want to bat? The gang would like it a lot.

AL      Did you vote? Are you sure everyone wants me? Even my family?

PEGGY   I'm pretty sure. I'll cook you dinner.

AL      Don't feel motivated.

PEGGY   No sex?

AL      Still don't feel motivated.

(KELLY AND BUD CROSS TO AL)

BUD/KEL (SINGING)
       "D IS FOR DE MANY PIES YOU MADE US.
        A IS FOR THE APPLE OF OUR EYE.
        D IS FOR THE DISH WE ATE THE PIE IN.
        PUT THEM ALL TOGETHER THEY SPELL..."
        (AL RISES)
        "DADDY."

AL      I'm ready to play. Hat.

(THEY HAND HIM A BATTING HELMET)

AL      Thunder rod.

(THEY HAND HIM HIS BAT. AL STRIDES TO THE PLATE)

ANNOUNC (V.O.) Batting for Sven Hunkstrom, Al Bundy.

PEGGY   You know he's gonna strike out.

(AL INTENTIONALLY TAKES A STRIKE. THEN TAKES ANOTHER ONE)

BUD     What's he doing?

(AL POINTS TO THE CENTER FIELD FENCE. THEN SWINGS)

ANNOUNC (V.O.)	It's going... going... gone.

(EVERYONE CHEERS. AL ROUNDS THE BASES. AS HE REACHES HOME PLATE, HE STOPS JUST SHORT OF IT)

AL      Off the team, huh? The old man couldn't do it, huh?

PEGGY   Get ready, kids. It's gonna be a long one.

ROY     Cross the plate.

AL      In due time. I think we've learned something about team work today. I don't need you. I
        don't need anyone. For it is not I, but you, who stink. And as punishment befitting you
        non-believers, I quit. M. ... V. ... P.

(AL STEPS ON THE PLATE. HE TOSSES HIS HAT IN THE AIR IN VICTORY, THEN GRABS HIS ARM IN PAIN)


DISSOLVE TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE FOUR

EXT. BASEBALL FIELD - DAY

(TWO TEAMS ARE PLAYING)

SUPRED: ONE YEAR LATER. ANOTHER TEAM.

(IN THE BLEACHERS ARE AN OLD CODGER, A KID, AND PEGGY. THEY ARE WATCHING A GAME. THE TEAM IN THE
 FIELD IS WEARING A UNIFORM "LOCAL 49 CREMATORIUM")

CODGER  That centerfielder's gonna get burned playing that shallow.

(WE SEE AL, THE CENTERFIELDER, RUNNING BACK AND MAKING THE CATCH)

KID     Who is that guy?

CODGER  I think it's him.

KID     Who's him?

CODGER  Al Bundy. Ever see him play?

KID     Just heard about him.

PEGGY   I saw him play. He was the best. Ran, threw. The best.

KID     Is it him?

PEGGY   (BEAT) Nah...

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO