Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy

Guest Cast:

Noah Blake..............Jim
Robin Angers............Rhonda
Jim O'Doherty...........Pageant Master
Michael John Burns......Joey
Lou Wills...............Judge #1
Mary Gillis.............Judge #2



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

Al and Peg are in bed, alseep. Al is squirming in bed, having a nightmare.

AL      Feet. Feet! No more feet!

We see Al's dream. 
Only his head is seen on a black background with many feet walking into view. The feet stand
around Al, lightly torturing him.

AL      Help me, please. No more feet! No more feet! Help me! Help! He-hel-help!

One foot pushes Al's head down and he disappears out of view.
Meanhile in bed, Al continues to toss and turn.

AL      Feet! FEET!

Peggy is awakened, so she wakes Al.

PEGGY   Al. Honey, wake up. You're having a dream.

AL      Oh, Peg, thank God. For the first time, since the first time, I'm glad to see you in bed!
        It was horrible, Peg. There were feet everywhere. 

PEGGY   Oh, poor baby. Let me get you a glass of water.

Peggy lifts the bed covers and exposes her feet. They are big and red and a blue-ish light 
shines on them. "Psycho" theme music plays. Al stares at Peg's feet in horror.


SCENE TWO

Back to reality. 
Al is still dreaming. He suddenly sits up.

AL      FEET!

Peggy wakes up.

PEGGY   Oh. [she turns on the light] Al, are you having that stupid foot dream again?

Al anxiously swipes the covers off Peg's feet and starts feeling them to see if they're real.
Peggy seems turned on by this.

PEGGY   Go for it, baby. Go for it! Just touch anything!

Al replaces the covers.

AL      Come on, Peg, haven't we had enough sex in our lives? When does it get to be over?

PEGGY   When you're officially dead. Now get on!

Peggy lies down flat, smiling.

AL      Aren't my sleeping nightmares enough? I haven't had a bit of sleep in two weeks! There's
        feet, feet everywhere. I'm not going to work tomorrow, there'll be feet there.

PEGGY   God, you are such a baby. You know, I have to stare up your nostrils all night long. You
        don't see me waking up screaming, "Hair! Hair!"

Al looks at her.

AL      You know, if the toilet was just a little bit bigger... BA-WOOSH. 

Al gets out of bed.

AL      Now I've gotta calm myself down. Go get a glass of water.

PEGGY   You can't do that, Al, you'll disturb Marcy.

AL      Why are you letting her stay here??

PEGGY   Because she's lonely, she's our best friend... and she's giving us 25 bucks a week!

AL      [leaning in closer] I thought you said "ten."

PEGGY   Well, I meant "I wish she was giving us 25 bucks a week." You know, so you could have
        some.

AL      Just great. I can't sleep and I can't go downstairs in my own house. What am I supposed
        to do?

PEGGY   Well, we can play "Bring the Big Bad Wolf over to this little Peggy"! [Al scowls] You
        know, you'll huff and I'll puff and... well, that'll be about it.

AL      [whining] I don't wanna!

PEGGY   Oh, save your whining 'til it's over.

Peggy pulls Al on top of her.


SCENE THREE

Downstairs in the dark, Marcy is sitting on the Bundys' couch, watching a soap opera on TV. 
She is drinking from a wine bottle.

TV      [male voice] {something inaudible}... Your beauty overwhelms me.

TV      [female voice] Oh, Charles, take me. Now.

MARCY   Yes, Charles, take her. And when you're done -- take me. [smiles]

The soap opera ends. Marcy sighs and turns off the TV.

MARCY   I wonder what it feels like to be in someone's arms again.

AL      [o.s.] Please, Peg, you're killing me!

Marcy settles onto the couch and goes to sleep.
Kelly enters with her boyfriend, Jim.

JIM     Kelly, are you sure this is okay? 'Cause last time, your dad swung me around the room by
        my earring.

KELLY   That's just 'cause you touched her remote control. Don't worry.

Kelly leads Jim to the couch. They lie down on top of Marcy and start making out. Marcy, in her
sleep, starts feeling Jim's hair. Kelly sits up. Jim and Marcy eventually turn to face each other
and scream. Kelly gets up and turns on the lgihts. 

JIM     Kelly, help! An old chick's got me!

MARCY   You pig!

Marcy slaps Jim.

JIM     I'm outta here. I get enough of this at home from my mom's friends.

Jim leaves and Kelly glares at Marcy.

KELLY   Well, thank you, Mrs. Rhoades. That was the third guy this week that I was truly in love
        with that you messed up for me.

MARCY   Kelly, sit down.

Kelly sits next to Marcy.

MARCY   See, I have this, well, this problem. It's really very complicated. You're a child, I
        probably shouldn't even be discussing it with you. I doubt you'd even understand.

KELLY   Horny as a toad, huh?

MARCY   Bingo. Look, Kelly, you're attractive in a cheap, tawdry sorta way. What do I have to do
        to attract a man?

KELLY   Well, the magazines say to "try a new look." You know, a new hairdo, a new lipstick...
        [Marcy drinks some wine] Pry that jug out of your mouth... [Marcy stops drinking and
        wipes her mouth with her hand] Well, then there's this business with your wedding ring. 
        I mean, a pretty woman can get away with it, buuut...

MARCY   I think I understand. I don't know. It's just so hard for me to take it off. It's like
        admitting to myself that my marriage is really over. Which it obviously is, and has been,
        since Weiner Neck left in the night like a balding thief. I should take it off, but I
        can't, it's too sacred.

KELLY   Fine. Then we'll just get you a cat pole.

Marcy reacts by taking off her wedding ring.

MARCY   It's off. There. I've done it! Now I am truly free. Why did it take me so long to realise
        when a simpleton like you knew what I had to do? [Kelly looks a bit offended] I feel
        great. I feel renewed. I'm ready to fly. [Marcy begins to settle down again] Yep, from
        this point on, Marcy Rhoades soars like an eagle.

Marcy lies down with her hand on Kelly's lap and falls asleep instantly. Kelly pulls up Marcy by
her hair and leans her up against the couch.

KELLY   Simpleton? I know that means something bad.

Bud enters.

KELLY   Bud, what's a simpleton?

BUD     An idiot, a moron. Dope, dullard, cretin. You know, someone a little smarter than you.

KELLY   [to Marcy] Hey!

BUD     Aww, look at Mrs. Rhoades. Isn't she cute? Peaceful as a baby. I want her so bad.

KELLY   Well, maybe I can help you out. Bud, I'm going to let you in on some secret woman's stuff
        that no other man knows.

BUD     Oh man!

KELLY   Now, shh. If anybody knows that I told you this, the sisterhood will strip me of my PMS
        priviledges. Now, you see, Bud, when a woman sleeps, her hormones accumliate. Which means
        that when she wakes up, she falls in love with the first man that she sees. Now, if she
        stands up and she hasn't seen anyone, her hormones will fall to her feet and they will go
        down the drain when she showers.

BUD     Of course! I've noticed that when they're standing up, no girls like me.

KELLY   But we won't give Mrs. Rhoades the chance. Now, if I were you, I would sleep here tonight
        on the couch. That way, you're the first thing she sees and the only thing she wants.

BUD     Yowza. What should I wear?

KELLY   Your love clothes. You know, your cowboy jammies.

Bud nods and leans in closer to the still sleeping Marcy.

BUD     Your hormones, my jammies... you don't stand a chance!


SCENE FOUR

Marcy and Bud are asleep on the couch. Marcy as she was, Bud now wearing his cowboy jammies.
Kelly comes downstairs, carrying a small bag. As she walks over to the couch, we hear Al moaning
from his room:

AL      Feet! Feet! No more feet!

Kelly puts her bag on the table. She walks over to Bud and kisses his face.

BUD     [in his sleep] Oohh! Mrs. Rhoades!

Kelly gives a look. She kisses Bud two more times to leave lipstick marks. On the last kiss, she
stands up and reacts in disgust.

KELLY   Oh great. Cherry flavored Zit-A-Way.

Kelly tousles Bud's hair. Then she grabs Marcy and sits her up. Kelly leans Bud over so his head
is resting aganst Marcy's. Kelly takes an alarm clock out of her bag and puts in between Marcy
and Bud. As a final touch, Kelly opens Bud's pajama top and puts the button into the grapse of
Marcy's teeth. Then she puts their hands together.

KELLY   Now we'll see who the simpleton is. Heh heh heh.

Kelly immediately walks into the corner of the couch, then continues on her way.


SCENE FIVE

Morning.
Marcy and Bud are still as Kelly left them. Kelly appears, checking her watch. She stays at the
top of the stairs, watching Marcy and Bud. Moments later, the alarm clock goes off and Marcy and
Bud wake up to stop it. Slowly, they look at each other and try to figure out what went on. Bud
looks around, then smiles happily at Marcy. Marcy looks stunned.

MARCY   Oh no. 

She looks at the empty bottles of alcohol on the table.

BUD     Good morning, Beloved.

MARCY   Oh no!



ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Marcy is sitting on the couch, very nervous. Kelly and Bud stand to the side.

MARCY   Oh no. I couldn't have.

KELLY   How was it?

BUD     I was great. She was... Kel, I can't remember a thing.

KELLY   Oh wow. You know, they say that if a man can't remember anything, it's the best that it
        will ever be.

BUD     It's exactly what it was like!

MARCY   There must be some sort of mistake.

Peggy comes downstairs.

PEGGY   Morning. Hi. You're up early. What's going on?

MARCY   [quickly/nervously] Nothing! Nothing. I'm late for home. But nothing happened. Nothing
        happened.

Marcy quickly leaves, screaming gasps.

PEGGY   What's with her?

BUD     Too much of a good thing.

Bud saunters coolly upstairs. He passes Al, who is leaving for work.

AL      Morning, Son.

BUD     Mornin', Al.


SCENE TWO

The shoestore.
Al is sitting alone in the store, hugging his arms and rocking gently back and forth. We hear
childhood memories in his head.

AL      [in Al's head] But Mom, I don't wanna work in a shoe store!

MOM     [in Al's head] Don't worry, Al. Just think of it as a stepping stone. Someday you'll be
        the president of your own corporation.

AL      [in Al's head] Thanks, Mom. You want your Bloody Mary now?

MOM     [in Al's head] Yes, dear. And rub my feet.

Al cringes.
A huge-hootered babe named Rhonda, wearing a short, tight black dress, enters the store and
approaches Al.

RHONDA  Excuse me? [leaning over] Are you alone?

Al looks up and comes face to face with Rhonda's hooters. Al looks in awe and surprise.

AL      No, I've... died and gone to Switzerland!

RHONDA  I was wondering if you could do me a favor.

Al takes his wallet and keys out of his pockets and gives them to Rhonda.

AL      No need to ask. The cash register's right over there, car's in the parking lot... Just
        step on me on your way out.

RHONDA  I would, but I'm here on business. I was wondering: we need a place to hold a pageant.
        We'd like to use your store. You can be a judge if you want.

AL      [smiling happily] Will, uh... will you be a contestant?

RHONDA  Oh no. I couldn't possibly compete with these women.

Al stops smiling and stares at Rhonda in wonder.

RHONDA  Will you do it, please?

AL      [breathless] Excuse me.

Al gets up and runs into the back room. We hear him talk to himself.

AL      YES! Thank you! Out of the emptiness and void that is my life, I now can see the light. 
        I am ALIVE!

Al walks calmly back out and sits in front of Rhonda again.

AL      I'll be there with boobs on. [Realizes his error] ...Bells. [smiles]


SCENE THREE

The Bundy kitchen.
Peggy is bringing two cups of coffee to the table where Marcy sits, nervously smoking a 
cigarette.

PEGGY   Are you okay? Seem awfully nervous.

MARCY   Me nervous? Don't be silly; I'm fine.
  
Marcy extinguishes her barely-smoked cigarette and pulls another one out of the packet and lights
up. She takes one drag and then extinguishes that one too.

MARCY   Listen, Peggy, I gotta ask you something. Have you ever done anything that you didn't
        remember the next day?

PEGGY   Well... having the kids.

MARCY   I mean, have you ever done anything that you really regretted?

PEGGY   Having the kids!

Bud enters, wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses. He takes off the sunglasses as he coolly
saunters past Peggy and Marcy.

BUD     [to Peggy] Mother. [to Marcy] Mama.

Bud goes to the fridge, opens it and takes out the milk (the only thing in it). Trying to look
macho, he drinks from it, squeezes the carton with one hand and tosses it over his shoulder. He
then parades back over to the couch and sits on it. He puts both hands down his pants.

PEGGY   What's with him? [to Marcy, smiling] I know. I bet he has a little girlfriend!

Marcy looks down, blushing slightly.
Al enters, looking very satisfied. As he passes him, Bud holds out a hand and Al slaps it.

AL      [to Peggy] Peg. [to Marcy] Pegleg.

Al, as Bud did, goes to the fridge and opens it. There is nothing left in it, so he shrugs and
closes it. He then wipes his mouth as if he's just had the best drink in the world.

PEGGY   Gee, you're in a good mood. What's wrong?

AL      What could be wrong? The sun is shining, the birds are singing, I'm a shoe salesman! I'm
        gonna go take a shower.

Al walks off.

PEGGY   [incredulously] A shower?? [to Marcy] In the middle of the week? Now I know something's
        wrong.

Peggy runs upstairs after Al.

PEGGY   Al, you don't even know where the soap is!

Bud looks at Marcy.

BUD     Well, babe, you look good. I obviously agree with you.

Marcy walks over to Bud.

MARCY   Look. Let's clear the air. Nothing happened. I am absolutely positively sure nothing
        happened. But if it did - which it didn't - I don't want any rumors getting around.

BUD     A gentlemen never tells.

Some boys, including Joey, open the door.
 
JOEY    Hey, Bud, is this the one?

BUD     Yep! [puts his arm around Marcy and poses] Say "young stuff!"

The friend takes a picture.

JOEY    Way to go, Bud! [to the others] She's old.

They leave.

MARCY   You told your friends??

BUD     Like you haven't.

Kelly appears at the top of the stairs and quietly witnesses the conversation.

BUD     Look, babe. I know what you're feeling for me, but uh, I think it might be healthier for
        the both of us to continue seeing other people. I just hope I haven't ruined you for all
        other men.

MARCY   Oh, very nice. We have something special and now you just toss me aside - [realizes what
        she's saying] Wait a second! What am I talking about?? Nothing happened between us.
        Nothing could happen. Nothing EVER WILL happen.

BUD     So that's it, huh? Slam Bam Thank You, Bud? You used me.

MARCY   I used you?? You were the one who said we should see other people.

BUD     Ahh, I didn't man to hurt you, babe. But sometimes the best way to hold onto something is
        to let it go.

MARCY   Oh bull. You're just like all the rest. It's the age thing, isn't it?

BUD     Look, uh, let's not fight. It cheapens the memory. Even though I don't remember anything.
        But uh, we'll always have whatever happened.

MARCY   Which was NOTHING.

BUD     Whatever gets you through the night. Friends?

Bud hols out a hand and Marcy shakes it.

MARCY   Friends.

BUD     Now, would it be alright if a friend bought another friend an ice-cream cone?

MARCY   Sure, why not.

They get up to leave, but Bud stops.

BUD     Oh, uh, by the way, you are on the pill?

Bud walks off. Marcy stops and counts on her fingers. A look of horror spreads across her face.

MARCY   Oh my God!!!

She leaves.
Kelly looks satisfied with herself.

KELLY   Yeah, and I'M the simpleton. Tricking them was as easy as one, two, C.

Kelly turns around and immediately walks into the clock. She recovers and goes upstairs. 
Moments later, Al and Peggy come back down.

PEGGY   Al, "taking a shower" is more than spraying your shirt with deodorant. [she stops him]
        Now I wanna know where you're going smelling like that.

AL      Fine, I'll tell you. But I don't want any crying. [he holds her arms] I'm going to judge
        a beauty contest. Hundreds of beautiful women will be hungrying after me.

Peggy bursts out laughing.


SCENE FOUR

The shoestore has been transformned into a mini-stage for the pagaent. There are three chairs for
Al and the other two judges. Al has not arrived yet. Judge #2 talks to Rhonda.

JUD #1  Uh, Where's the other judge so we can start this? I gotta get back to my hotdog stand.

RHONDA  Don't worry, Mr. Bundy will be here.

Al enters proudly. He is dressed in a formal tuxedo.

AL      [with his arms wide open] Let the games begin!

Al sits with the other judges.

JUD #1  'Scuse me, but do you know how we're supposed to judge this? 

AL      Well, the way I look at it, we give two points for talent, two points for personality and
        uh, ninety-six points for hooters.

Judge #1 laughs. The second judge, a woman, scolds Al.

#3  You're a pig!

AL      And you sir are a - [Al stops when he sees the judge is a woman] Oh, I'm sorry, Madam, I
        didn't know you were a woman. Are you?

The pageant master announces the start of the pageant.

MASTER  Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

AL      Bring on the babes!

MASTER  Yes, well, without further ado - Judges, please, take your positions.

The other two judges kneel down and stage floor level. Al looks a bit confused.

AL      Hey, that's a great idea, we can look up their dresses! [looking up] The Gods have smiled
        on Al Bundy!

Al kneels with the other judges.

MASTER  And now, let us choose... Chicago's Ugliest Foot!

The curtain is lifted and several pairs of old and ugly feet are on display. Al looks in horror.

AL      Those aren't hooters! ARGH! Those are feet, feet everywhere! AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!


SCENE FIVE

Al is sitting in bed, still horrified from earlier events.

AL      There were feet everywhere. Just feet. Feet, I say, feet!

PEGGY   [v.o.] It's alright now, Al. [soothingly] Let Mama make it all better.

AL      Alright.

Al pulls the covers away from Peggy. But Peggy is not in bed. In her place is a huge, red, veiny
foot with bright red toenails. Al screams in horror.



THE END


DIRECTED BY  GERRY COHEN
 WRITTEN BY  DIANE BURROUGHS & JOEY GUTIERREZ
 CREATED BY  RON LEAVITT & MICHAEL G. MOYE
PRODUCED BY  BARBARA BLACHUT CRAMER