Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Buck the Dog............Buck


Guest Cast:

Marge Redmond...........Miss Beyer
Patrick J. Dancy........Ruben
Geri Betzler............Susan
Keely Christian.........Senior #1
Sandi Whitten...........Senior #2
Chuck E. Weiss..........Bum



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE


Kelly is looking at herself in a mirror, posing through a big frame.
Bud appears behind her.

KELLY   Bud, what do you think? Would this look good for my graduation picture?

BUD     I don't know, Kel. [He turns her around] If you really want people to remember you, you
        might wanna try this. [He re-adjusts the picture frame so it frames Kelly's body, not her
        face. Kelly does not look impressed] Now, we'll just add a few fingerprints and voila!
        Every man's memory.

Peggy comes home and hangs up her bag and coat.

KELLY   Mom, I want to look really good for my graduation pictures. Can I get a tattoo?

PEGGY   Kelly, honey, we had this tattoo talk when you were eight. No tattoos above the waist for
        any member of this family, young lady. Can't we learn from Grandma's mistakes? Stuck at
        her age with "love" and "hate" tattooed on her breasts. I mean don't you think she feels
        silly now with those verbs bouncing against her knees?

KELLY   I'm sorry, I forgot. How 'bout a nose-ring?

Peggy sighs.

PEGGY   Honey, let me show you what a yearbook picture should look like.

Peggy gets the Polk High Yearbook from the desk, shows it to Bud and Kelly then sits on the couch
with it.

BUD     Now look what you've done. We have to look through the "old folks" book again.

KELLY   The worst part is when she sighs when she opens it.

Peggy lets out a memorable sigh as she opens the yearbook.

PEGGY   Oh, Bonnie Malone. Now here is a perfect example of not what to do in a high school
        yearbook - pose with your baby.

KELLY   [looking at the book] Who's the hunk?

PEGGY   That's your father!

Bud and Kelly lean in to get a closer look.

BUD     What's that on his face?

PEGGY   A smile.

BUD     Wow!
KELLY   Wow!

KELLY   Daddy had hair. And look, shoulders! [raises her shoulders] Up here!

BUD     Let's see your picture, Mom.

PEGGY   OK.

Peggy turns the pages to find her picture, then shows it them.

BUD     [smiling sweetly] Awww, Mom.

KELLY   Oh, you were so pretty, Mom! [quietly to Bud] Wow, what happened?

BUD     It's been sixty years, Kel.

Peggy finds a yellow envelope inside the yearbook.

PEGGY   Oh, look at this. My high school diploma! [she begins to open it] Still sealed. Boy, I
        must've just stuck it in here and forgot all about it. [She removes the diploma from the
        envelope] Now Kelly, I want you to look at this, because one day you'll have beautiful
        diploma just like this that reads... [she unfolds it and reads it. Her expression
        changes] "Report for Summer School. You must complete one half credit more before you
        qualify for a diploma."

KELLY   Mom never graduated from high school? She's a drop-out! A functional illegitimate!

BUD     Illiterate, Kel.

KELLY   No, her parents were married.

Al's car is heard pulling up outside.

PEGGY   Ooh, well that's your father. [she quickly disguises the false diploma] Uh, let's not
        tell him about this. He may not understand like you do.

Al enters.

AL      Family, the greatest thing happened. The cash register at the store closed out twenty
        cents over. [estatic] Guess who's pocket that went into!? 

BUD     Quite a genetic sandwich, eh, Kel?

AL      Hey, the old High School Yearbook. Seems like just the day your mother and I graduated.
        [Bud and Kelly are giggling furtively and shushing one another] And soon my little
        Pumpkin will graduate. And next year, Bud. Bud'll go off to college one day. You're 
        going to be the smartest Bundy yet, son! So I guess I'll be the second smartest, 'course
        Peg'll be third. Kelly... well...

KELLY   No, nuh-huh, not me. I'm third. It may take me five or six years but at least I'm gonna
        graduate.

AL      What do you mean, Kelly?

He looks at Peggy, who looks up guiltily at Al.


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

The Bundys are sitting on the couch, reading the TV Guide. Buck comes running to join them.

AL      Family TV Hour, Buck. [Buck sits on the couch with them] Now, let's see what's on TV
        [reads the guide] Hey! Here's a good show for you, Peg: "Goober". [reads out slowly and
        childishly] "Gooooober Goooes To Tooown". Go ahead, Peg, you try to read the rest!

Al, Kelly and Bud laugh. 
Peggy folds her arms, displeased.

BUD     [to Al and Kelly] How about this one. [to Peg] How about some math, Mom? [holds up three
        fingers] How many fingers am I holding up?

Al, Bud and Kelly laugh.

KELLY   Yeah yeah, Mom, answer this one... [she realises she can't think of anything] Oh well, 
        it doesn't matter. At least I'm not the stupidest.

Al gets up and the kids follow him to the desk behind the couch. 
Buck sits on the couch next to Peggy.

AL      Kids, come with me. I want to show you something. It's the only one of its kind in the
        house. My High School Diploma.

He points to his High School Diploma on the wall above the desk.

KELLY   [pointedly to Peg] Ooooh!
BUD     [pointedly to Peg] Ooooh!

AL      Kelly, pretty soon you'll have one, then Bud, you'll have one and then, well, that's all!

The three of them laugh.

AL      Oh, wait a minute, that's not fair! Buck graduated obedience school. [He picks up Buck's
        certificate from the desk] See, here's his Diploma. So, Peg, you're kinda... fifth
        smartest.

They all laugh at her again.

PEGGY   [sadly] I am not dumber than the dog!

AL      Oh yeah? Well, let's just see about that. [to Buck] Buck, get off the couch. [Buck jumps
        off] When was the last time you did that, Peg?

Al, Bud and Kelly laugh at Peg again and congratulate Al.

AL      OK look, kids, I'm gonna go to the store to get some dinner. Hey! How about alphabet 
        soup? That way you can eat AND learn!

Al takes his jacket and leaves, laughing.
Peggy gives him a dirty look.

PEGGY   Alright, that does it. I'm going to find out just why I didn't graduate here. 

KELLY   You know, Margie thinks she's so cool because her mom has a plate in her head. I cannot
        wait to see her face when we tell her our mom's a drop-out! Yeah.

Kelly and Bud high-five.
Peg opens the envelope and pulls out a piece of paper.

PEGGY   OK. I see the problem. It seems that I failed one stupid, useless class in my senior 
        year.

BUD     Whatchyou fail, Mom?

PEGGY   Home Economics.

KELLY   Gee, what a shock. Are you gonna make up the class, Mom?

PEGGY   Are you kidding? I can't spare the time. The Battle of the Luckiest Man Alive is on TV
        this week. This week Gavin McLeod squares off with Joe Piscopo.

Al opens the front door and leans in.

AL      Peg, I want to introduce you to someone who proves you don't need a High School Diploma
        to be important. Sir?

A bum appears, stands next to Al and holds out a ratty old hat.

BUM     Change?

Al puts his arm around the bum and laughs. 
They leave. Peggy looks sad.


ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

A classroom at Polk High.
There are about ten students in the room including Ruben, the teacher's pet; and Kelly's
friend, Susan. Kelly is sleeping face down on her desk.
Miss Beyer enters.

BEYER   Alright everybody, be seated.

The few standing students sit. Miss Beyer stands at the front of the class.

BEYER   Today we will review for our final exam. But first, I would like to say that it has been
        a delight to see you change from innocent freshman to the leaders of tomorrow. Eh, will
        someone please wake up Miss Bundy?

Someone nudges Kelly and she quickly sits up.

KELLY   The dog ate my homework.

BEYER   Miss Bundy, why can't you be more like Ruben?

She gestures to Ruben, who is seated at the front of the class with his hands folded neatly on
 the desk, smiling at the teacher.

KELLY   Well, we both like boys.

Ruben turns towards her then smiles back up at Miss Beyer.

BEYER   Ah, class, ah, today a new student will be joining us. Because of her life experience she
        will only have to take the final.

KELLY   No. It couldn't be. Of all the Home Ec classes in all the schools in all the world...

Peggy enters the classroom.

KELLY   She has to walk into mine.

PEGGY   Hi everybody. Am I late?

SUSAN   Yeah, about twenty years!

BEYER   Please take a seat, Miss Wanker.

PEGGY   [to the girl sitting next to Kelly] Move it or lose it, girlie.

The girl moves and Peg takes the seat.

BEYER   Alright, class. Today, we will be discussing... [sniffs the air] Who is smoking?

Peggy is smoking. She looks around and then extinguishes her cigarette. Susan turns to Kelly.

SUSAN   Hey, Kelly, are you up for vandalising the graveyard tonight?

Kelly looks at Peg before answering.

KELLY   No, Susan, that would be wrong.

BEYER   Now, let's just bone up a bit before our final exam assignments. How would one prepare...
        cinnamon toast?

All of the students turn their heads away. Ruben raises his hand.


ACT ONE

SCENE FOUR

Ruben is standing in front of a blackboard that is full of written details about how to make
cinnamon toast.

RUBEN   Then voila! We garnish and serve.

BEYER   [applauding him] That was magnificent.

She rubs the board with the duster. Ruben goes to sit back down but Susan trips him up on his
way back. He straightens himself before Miss Beyer sees him.
Peggy and Kelly are both asleep face down on their desks.
Miss Beyer grabs a basket and talks to the class again.

BEYER   Now is the time for each of you to take one assignment card from my Home Ec Bag O'
        Challenges. If someone please wake up Miss Bundy and Miss Wanker.

Someone nudges Peggy and Kelly and they both sit up quickly.

PEGGY   The dog ate my homework!
KELLY   The dog ate my homework!

BEYER   Anyhow, written of every card is the name of a dish that you must prepare tonight and
        turn in for your final grade tomorrow and then later that day my cats and I will eat it
        all. OK, line up and pull!

The students line up and select random cards from the basket.

SNR #1  Sliced Peaches.

SNR #2  Carrot Sticks.

Ruben is next in line. Miss Beyer gives him a special card. He reads it with delight.

RUBEN   Cinnamon toast! Oh!

Miss Beyer shushes him. Kelly pulls out her card.

KELLY   Jell-o? Oh no!

She sits down, disappointed.

PEGGY   Well, this isn't very hard.

Peggy chooses her card and her smile fades as she reads it.

PEGGY   Crowned rack of lamb??



ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Kelly and Peggy are sitting on the kitchen table. 
Kelly has her box of unopened Jello and Peg has unprepared racks of lamb in front of her.
Peg is reading a cookbook.

KELLY   [reading the back of the Jello box] "Add hot water." Oh, great. Where am I gonna get hot
        water this time of night?

PEGGY   Honey, I don't know. Just use cold, it comes right out of the faucet. [reads her 
        cookbook] Crowned rack of lamb. Gee, it looks nothing like the picture.

KELLY   Yeah, neither does mine.

She shows it to Peggy.
Peggy gets up and walks over to the couch. Buck is lying on it.

PEGGY   I need a break. Hi Buck. [to herself] Dumber than the dog. [she looks through the TV
        Guide] Let's see. What channel is Wheel of Fortune on?

BUCK    [sighs] It's seven. Just like yesterday and the day before.

PEGGY   Oh, it's seven. I thought it was seven!

BUCK    Yeah, right.

Al comes home from work.

AL      Anything for dinner, Peg?

PEGGY   Get a wife.

Al sits on the couch next to her.

AL      Ahh, what a day. It was, uh, "Born Before 1900 Day" at the shoe store. There were some
        feet that were so wrinkled you could've made a third foot out of them. I truly, truly
        want to die. But at least I have a High School Diploma! [he laughs] You staying up, Peg?

PEGGY   Yes.

AL      Ah, no reason for me to then.

Al heads up stairs

AL      [to Kelly] Goodnight.

He exits upstairs.
Marcy opens the door and stands there with her arm holding something out of view.

MARCY   Peggy. There I was, alone in my bedroom, in my nightgown. I had just put in a video
        cassette and was really ready to... do my taxes... when I noticed an insect pressed
        against my bedroom window. Perhaps you might be able to identify it?

Marcy pulls Bud in from outside and takes of the towel she had wrapped around his head. 
Bud has a camera around his neck.

MARCY   Now, I want an apology.

BUD     [coolly] Relax, babe. You're a woman, I'm a man. If you didn't want me up there you
        wouldn't have had the ladder and the garage!

MARCY   Peggy!

PEGGY   Bud, you must be punished. No school for you tomorrow, young man!

Bud hangs his head sadly and walks upstairs.

PEGGY   He'll learn, he'll learn.

MARCY   Well, I didn't mean to get him into this much trouble! Well, I guess I'll just go back
        and try to get into the mood to... do my taxes.

She starts to leave, but Peggy gets up and brings her to the kitchen.

PEGGY   Ah, Marcy, wait a minute. We need your help. Kelly and I need some cooking tips.

KELLY   Yeah, I'm in a lot of trouble, Mrs Rhoades. I have to cook Jell-o. It's for Home Ec
        class.

MARCY   [sitting down] Home Ec? [fondly] I remember Home Ec.

KELLY   Oh no. What door have we opened?

MARCY   It was my favourite class. I got an A plus plus on my final. Lemon meringue pie. Oh, what
        an experience it was... my first, you know. [she starts kneading the towel as she speaks,
        getting more and more turned on as she talks] Kneading the dough till it was ready. I was
        all sweaty. Then came my filling. Stirring and stirring over a pulsing heat. Don't bring
        it to a boil too fast whatever you do. Sloowww then fast. Slooowww then fast. Till it
        starts to rise, riiise, RISE... [she stops and realises Peg and Kelly are staring at her]
        Oh god! My taxes!!

Marcy quickly gets up and runs out of the house.

PEGGY   Why didn't I get meringue pie? Well, honey, we may as well face it. No one is going to
        help us. It's just you and I against the kitchen. [takes a deep breath] I'm going in.

She heads into the kitchen.


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

MONTAGE SEQUENCE - Music: "Workin' in a Coalmine" by Devo.

Peg is wearing an apron, standing in front of her lamb, holding the cookbook and smoking. She
looks perplexed. Kelly is standing next to her trying to figure out how to make her Jell-o. The
camera zooms to the clock on he wall behind them. Peggy add some spices to her lamb. The clock
winds forward some more. Kelly tears open her jell-o box with some effort. She takes out the
packaged Jello crystals and looks even more confused. The clock winds past ten o'clock. Kelly is
now stirring her Jello package in the water, making some green Jell-o. Peggy is a mess. She picks
up a rack of lamb and drops it on the floor and quickly picks it up again before Kelly sees it.
The clock winds forward past two-thirty AM. Peggy and Kelly are sitting at the table. Peggy is
smoking, Kelly is asleep. Peggy smells smoke and looks worriedly at her cigarette, then at the
oven. There is a lot of smoke coming out of it. Peggy wakes up Kelly they rush over and attend to
it. Later, Peggy is fixing up the now cooked lamb. Then she collapses on the floor. The clock
winds forward to nearly four o'clock AM. Peggy is now more dishevelled. She puts pink crowns on
her racks of lamb. She brings it to the table, where Kelly is preparing her set Jell-o on a
platter. The music ends.

PEGGY   Oh. Oh. We did it. We did it! We, we really did it!

Peggy sits downs and both Peg and Kelly break down crying with relief.

PEGGY   How many hours to sleep before school?

KELLY   Two and a half.

PEGGY   Oh. Well, at least I only have to stay awake for one class.

KELLY   Yeah, me too.

PEGGY   Let's go.

They both put lids on their platters and head wearily upstairs.


ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

Al comes downstairs in his pyjamas and turns the lights on. 

AL      [walking to the fridge] Can't sleep with that damn woman in my bed. God, I'm starving!

He opens the fridge. There is nothing in it except for Peggy's mystery pack.

AL      Never anything in the fridge.

He starts to walk away but stops when he smells something as he passes the table. He sniffs the
air, then finds the platters on the table. He lifts up the lid and finds the crowned rack of
lamb. Al can't believe it. He rubs his eyes, sits down and stares in disbelief at the meal in
front of him. He starts to cry. He tucks a napkin into his shirt and picks up a knife and fork.
He contemplates what to start with or how to cut the lamb, then drops the cutlery and picks up
one of the racks with a delighted grunt and starts to devour it.


ACT TWO

SCENE FOUR

Peggy and Kelly come downstairs, ready for school.

PEGGY   Oh God. Seven thirty in the morning and I'm up. This is inhumane! Gee, maybe Mommy will
        make us breakfast. [Kelly looks at her] Oh, that's me.

They walk into the kitchen and find Al face down on Peggy's platter. All of the lamb has been
eaten.

PEGGY   Oh no. He didn't!

Kelly lifts Al up and a bone falls out of his mouth. He is in a food coma. He smiles contentedly. 

KELLY   Yep, he did.

She throws him back down. Peggy lifts him up again.

PEGGY   Wake up, you moron! You ate my final exam!

Al grunts. Peggy pushes him back down again.

KELLY   You didn't eat my Jell-o, did you, Daddy?

Al sort of half snores, half snorts.
Peggy lifts up the Jell-o lid to show Kelly that her food has not been eaten.

PEGGY   It's alright, honey, it's here.

Kelly sings with relief.

KELLY   Oh, thank god. What are you gonna do, Mom?

PEGGY   I don't know. There's not time to make another one. Maybe Miss Beyer will understand.
        [Kelly shakes her head as if to say "no way."] I don't wanna be dumber than the dog! 
        Oh well, it's just a stupid piece of paper, who needs a diploma? It means nothing at 
        all. I'll just go there and, and face the music!

Al sits up, smiles and then burps. He falls back down on the plate again.


ACT TWO 

SCENE FIVE

The classroom. 
The kids are lined up in the same order they were when they pulled their cards.
Miss Beyer gives out grades as she quickly looks at each dish.

BEYER   [to the senior with the sliced peaches] Excellent. A minus. [to the senior with the
        carrot sticks] Nice. B plus. [Ruben is next, with a miniature platter. He doesn't even
        lift it the lid] Ruben, A plus. 

Ruben smiles. Peggy is next in line. She has two cards in her belt.

BEYER   Ah, Miss Wanker. Your card please? [Peggy gives her one of the cards] Jell-o. [She lifts
        the lid to reveal Kelly's dish] Excellent! A minus! [Peggy laughs delightedly. Kelly is
        next in line] Miss Bundy, your card? 

PEGGY   Oh, I have one for her.

Peggy gives the other card.

BEYER   Crowned rack of lamb.

Peggy has a sneaky look on her face. Miss Beyer lifts the lid to find that Kelly's dish is not
there. Kelly realises what Peg has done.

KELLY  Hey. Hey!


ACT TWO

SCENE SIX

All of the students leave the classroom except for Peg and Kelly. 

PEGGY   Oh, Kelly, this is the happiest moment of my life. I finally got a Diploma! I'm so glad
        you're here to share this moment with me.

KELLY   Yeah, Mom, I'll remember it fondly while I'm sweating for Summer School. Why'd you do it,
        Mom? Why'd you take my Jell-o?

PEGGY   Oh honey, don't you understand? I did it for you. Sweetie. [She puts her arm around 
        Kelly] This is your last summer as my little girl and if I'd let you graduate, your
        father would have you work the whole summer. And that means no beach, no shopping, no
        vandalising! This way, all you have to do is spend one hour a day in class and the rest
        of the time is supper time! So Kelly, just think of this as my graduation present to you. 

KELLY   [happily] Oh, thank you, Mom. You're the best!

They hug. 
Susan pops her head in the classroom.

SUSAN   Come on! It's time for graduation pictures!

PEGGY   Oops, gotta go!

Peggy leaves. Kelly is left behind.

KELLY   Oh, man! I'm going to go to school during the summer! [she realises what has happened to
        her and her smile fades] Hey. HEY!

Kelly does not look happy.




THE END


PRODUCED BY: ELLEN L. FOGLE
PRODUCED BY: SANDY SPRUNG & MARCY VOSBURGH
SUPERVISING PRODUCER: KATHERINE GREEN
SUPERVISING PRODUCER: ARTHUR SILVER

DIRECTED BY: GERRY COHEN
WRITTEN BY: ELLEN L. FOGLE
CREATED BY: RON LEAVITT & MICHAEL G. MOYE
PRODUCED BY: BARBARA BLACHUT CRAMER
 
STORY EDITOR: KEVIN CURRAN
CASTING BY: TAMMARA BILLIK, C.S.A.
EXECUTIVE IN CHARGE OF CASTING: RICK JACOBS
"LOVE AND MARRIAGE" LYRICS BY SAMMY CAHN AND JIMMY VAN HEUSEN
                    PERFORMED BY FRANK SINATRA
MUSIC SUPERVISION: MICHAEL ANDREAS
PRODUCTION DESIGNER: DON ROBERTS
ART DIRECTOR: RICHARD IMPROTA
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR: RICHARD STEIR 
STAGE MANAGERS: RICHARD DRANEY, STEPHANIE SCOTT
PRODUCTION ASSOCATE: KITTY ROUKE
PRODUCTION COORDINATOR: SUSAN JANG
EDITED BY: LARRY HARRIS
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR: SAM W. ORENDER
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY: THOMAS W. MARKLE
AUDIO: J. MARK KING
RE-RECORDING: MARTI D. HUMPHREY, JOHN BICKLEHAUPT
PRODUCTION STAFF: GABRIELLE TOPPING, ROCHELLE E. STATEN, LINDA OTA, DEBRA McCARTHY, 
                  WENDY WOTHERSPOON, RUTHE PIPER HARDEE, CARL STUDEBAKER
COSTUMES: MARTI MASAMITSU
PROPERTY MASTER: MICHAEL SEMON
MAKE-UP: NINA KENT
HAIR STYLIST: DOTTIE McQUOWN
DOG TRAINER: STEVEN RITT
PRODUCTION SUPERVISED BY: FRAN McCONNELL
PRODUCTION CONSULTANTS: DEBORAH CURTAIN, EDUARDO CERVANTES
COPYRIGHT (C) 1990
ELP COMMUNICATIONS
All Rights Reserved
ELP Communications is the author of this film/motion picture for purposes of Article 15(2) 
of the Berne Convention and all national laws giving effect thereto.
IN CHARGE OF PRODUCTION: ED LAMMI
COLUMBIA PICTURES TELEVISON
a SONY PICTURES ENTERTAINMENT production