Written by
Katherine Green


ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

 Kelly and Bud are at the dining table doing their homework. Both are trying to think very, very
 hard.

BUD     [to Kelly] What's the first derivative of kinetic energy with respect to velocity?

KELLY   [to Bud] I don't know. What goes quack?

 Bud rolls his eyes.

BUD     I don't know.

 They both go back to mumbling and scratching their heads. Peggy comes downstairs wearing an
 evening gown. She clears her throat for attention. The kids ignore her.

PEGGY   Hey! Would you put away your stupid homework for a second and look at Mommy? She's going
        out with her man tonight.

KELLY   So we'll be eating here with Daddy?

PEGGY   No, you dolt. I'm going out with your Father. At least he cared enough to remember my
        birthday, which is more than I can say about two certain people who sprang painfully...
        [looks at Kelly] ...and in some cases backwards from my loins.

BUD     We would've gotten you something, but last year you said, "If I ever start looking as old 
        as Mrs. McKelvey across the street, I never want to have a birthday again".

PEGGY   Mrs. McKelvey is fifty.

 Bud and Kelly stare at her and shrug.

PEGGY   Just wait 'till I find out when your birthdays are.

KELLY   Mine's in February. I'm an Aquarium.

BUD     And an empty one. [then, to Peggy] Where's Dad taking you?

PEGGY   I don't know. He just said to wear something special. [gleefully] Oh, I hope dinner and
        dancing at The Beef Trough. That's our place, you know.

 The kids stare at her. Al enters.

AL      Peg, you look fabulous.

 Peggy looks flattered.

AL      You're gonna knock 'em dead at the bowling alley.

PEGGY   The bowling alley? You're taking me bowling for my birthday?

AL      This is your birthday? Hey, kids, Mom sits in the front seat tonight. What are you kids
        doing?

BUD     Homework. Got finals coming up.

AL      Well, put it away. This is something important. Now, as we all know, my good friend,
        Puggy Weaver is moving out of the neighborhood. So tonight is my last chance to break his 
        alley record in front of his fat, sweating, pork-like face. I've been training for weeks. 
        Avoiding anything that could hurt me. Red wine, red meat, red heads.

PEGGY   And those energy draining showers.

AL      Behind every successful man is a woman who didn't marry me. Now, you, my children, have
        the important task of recording my victory for posterity. Too many great Bundy moments
        have been lost for lack of a camera.

PEGGY   Well, we had a camera on our honeymoon, Al, but you kept beating the flash.

AL      Well, if you recall I was doing fine until you came in the room. Let's go. Let's go.

 They start gathering their stuff.


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

 Jim's Bowlarama - night.
 Bud and Kelly enter, Bud with a camcorder, Kelly with an instamatic. They turn and face the
 door.

BUD     Ready, Dad.

 Al and Peggy enter.

AL      I'm entering. Widen, widen. Did you get your Mother in the picture?

BUD     Yeah, Dad.

AL      Rewind.

 Al exits, then re-enters alone and walks towards Puggy's plaque.

AL      Hi! I'm Al Bundy at Jim's Bowlarama. Feelin' good. Feelin' spry. What have we here? A
        plaque which denotes the highest game in Bowlarama history. A plaque which will soon read 
        "Al Bundy". [to camera] Yep, Al Bundy, Al Bundy, brave, courageous and bold. Long live
        his fame and long live his glory and long may his story be told. [to Kelly] Still picture 
        please.

 Kelly faces Al and takes a picture. The flash goes off. She stands there blinking.

KELLY   [blinded] Daddy. Help. I'm blind.

AL      [ignoring her] Let's bowl.

 They walk off leaving Kelly blinking at the lights.


ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

 Jim's Bowlarama - a few moments later
 Puggy is putting away his bowling ball. A couple of guys gathered around him. Al, Peggy and Bud 
 enter. Kelly, still blinded, follows, bumping into walls.
 Puggy sniffs the air.

PUGGY   Did something die in here? [sees Al] Oh, Bundy.

AL      Oh, Puggy. I didn't recognize you with your fist out of your nose. Well, Pug. I hear
        you're leaving town. So, I guess you'll be packing up the wife, kids, and the three
        hundred pound hooker you see every Friday after work. But before you go I came to give
        you a little going away present. Al "The King" Bundy will now break your record. Peg,
        unzip it.

 Peggy starts to unzip her dress.

AL      The bag, Peg.

 Peggy unzips the bag and hands him the ball. Al picks up his ball. He examines it.

AL      Spot on my bowl... Peg?

 Peggy comes over to see what Al wants. He wipes the spot off on Peggy's dress.

PEGGY   [to camera] Yup. The bestest birthday ever.

AL      [to Bud] Start tape. Frame one, the Bundy legend.

 Al bowls.

AL      Steer-ike!

 The ball knocks down all the pins.

KELLY   It's gonna be a long evening, Mom. Should I order a couple of beers... for you and some
        ice cream with Gummy Bears for me?

 Al bowls again.

AL      Steer-ike!

 The pins fall down.

PUGGY   It's a long way to two hundred and fifty-six, Bundy.

AL      Not for your wife, Puggy.

PEGGY   Al, I'm bored.

AL      [mad] Peg, this is a bowling alley. Surely, you can find something to do.

PEGGY   I just can't decide. Let's see... tennis, bacarrat, chamber music. Say, those two
        gentlemen scratching their behinds might be having a poetry reading.

AL      Peg, go bowl.

PEGGY   Oh, that would really look great. There's nothing more pathetic than a woman who bowls by
        herself.

 We see Marcy stepping up to a lane. She takes a ball.

MARCY   [to ball] Well, here we are again.

PEGGY   [crossing] Marcy?

MARCY   [excitedly] Peggy!

 Marcy hugs Peggy enthusiastically.

MARCY   This is not as pitiful as it seems. Actually, I was told this was a good place to meet
        guys. And it is. Why, just last week I met a man who had a High School diploma. Ah, the
        single life for me.

PEGGY   Yeah, this is where you find the good ones. I mean, there's nothing wrong with dating a
        doctor or a lawyer, but when it's time to settle down -

 Two big bellied men walk by with beers. One scratches his belly. The other takes a huge bite of
 a sub-sandwich, meat hanging from his mouth.

PEGGY   - you can't beat a bowler.

MARCY   They are the lowest.

 Marcy pushes up to one of the guys.

MARCY   Hey. I thought you were washing your hair tonight.


ACT ONE

SCENE FOUR

 Jim's Bowlarama - a few minutes later
 Al is talking into Bud's camera

AL      Frame eight. With grim determination, Bundy picks up his ball. All he needs is two more
        strikes and eight little pins and a certain porkpie's record is history. Oh, there is no
        joy in Pug-ville. Mighty Bundy shall strike out.

PUGGY   Just bowl, shoemeister.

 Al gets poised to roll his next ball. Peggy runs over.

PEGGY   Oh, Al, I just rolled four strikes in a row!

 Al doesn't even look at her.

AL      Shut up.

 Peggy returns to her lane. Al rolls his ball.

AL      Steer-ike.

 The pins all fall.

PEGGY   Oh Al, this is so exciting. I've never made four strikes in a row before. You've gotta
        come watch.

AL      [tries to stay calm] Peg, please. I know I've said I don't care a million times, but this
        time, I don't care. I really don't care.

PEGGY   Okay, okay. I'll be quiet.

 Al starts to roll, then right in the middle of his approach...

PEGGY   Honey...

 Al stiffens as he rolls. He hits seven pins.

PUGGY   [smug] Uh, oh. A two-four-ten split. You'll have to pick 'em all up and bowl a strike
        if you want to break my record.

 Puggy sneers.

AL      What did you want, Peg?

PEGGY   [timidly] I just wanted to wish you good luck.

AL      Away woman.

 Peggy slinks off. Al takes his ball and bowls. He makes the spare. He turns to Peggy.

AL      Yes! Eat Sixteen pounds of death, Puggy. One more strike to go.

 Al picks up his ball.

PEGGY   [o.s.] Steer-ike.

 Al sighs miserably. He faces the pins.

AL      Bud, you ready?

BUD     Ready, Dad.

AL      Kelly?

 Kelly flashes the camera the wrong way and blinds herself. Al sighs.

AL      Good girl.

 He bowls.

AL      [hopefully] Stee-stee-stee-rike!

 Puggy looks defeated. The guys rush over to congratulate Al.

AL      I've got the record. It's mine, two fifty-seven. I've got it on tape. My life was not for
        nothing.

 Al bursts into tears and sinks to his knees a la James Brown.

AL      I'm so happy. Nothing can ruin this moment.

PEGGY   [o.s.] Steer-ike.

BOWLER1 Hey! The broad in the gown just bowled six strikes in a row.

 Everyone leaves Al still in his "James Brown" pose. They cross to where Peggy's bowling.



ACT TWO 

SCENE ONE

 Al is watching the hubbub surrounding Peggy's lane. He wanders over to Peggy. Marcy is keeping
 score.

MARCY   You've got six strikes in a row, Peggy. Gee, I wonder what the Bowlarama record is?

AL      [slightly nervous] Uh, Peg. I'm done. We can go home now.

MARCY   She can't go now. She's bowling a once in a lifetime game.

BUD     Yeah, Dad. Look. Three more strikes and your record is history.

 Al reacts.

KELLY   [rubbing it in] Dad, would you sweat this way, please?

 Kelly points the camera at him the wrong way, and blinds herself again with the flash. She
 staggers away.

PEGGY   Oh Al, wouldn't it be great if I broke your record?

AL      Oh, man. That would be the icing on the tombstone.

 She picks up her ball and prepares to bowl. Bud comes over to Al, holds up the video camera and
 points it at him.

BUD     So, Dad. Any tips for tomorrow's losers?

 During the following Bud films Al.

AL      I hope someone's filming you during the reading of my will. Look, I'm not worried. Bud,
        your mother has a sixty average. Just like in High School. There's no way she can
        possibly continue to...

MARCY   Strike!

AL      ... throw strikes. Y'see, Bud, the thing about bowling is, anybody can make a lucky shot, 
        but over the long run, the game is set up so only the truly skilled can...

MARCY   Strike!

AL      [indicates camera] Get that stupid thing outta my face.

KELLY   Hey, Daddy. Mom is one ball away from breaking your record. But I guess it's just a minor 
        thing in the rich tapestry of your life.

 Kelly chews her gum obnoxiously.

AL      Take my picture, Kelly.

 Kelly goes to take his picture.

AL      No, honey. Turn it around.

 She does so and blinds herself again. She staggers away.

AL      Good girl. Uh, Peg, come here.

 Peggy crosses to Al.

AL      I've been thinking. This is no place to spend your birthday. We should be doing something
        special. You're all dressed up. What say we go home, I'll take my shirt off and let you
        rub my back.

PEGGY   I can't, honey. Didn't you hear? I got eight strikes in a row. Wait here. I have to go
        break your record. What a great birthday.

 She starts off.

BUD     A little hemlock on the rocks, Dad?

AL      Not yet, son. I've got a secret weapon. Watch. [to Peggy] Hey, Peg. If you bowl a strike
        you'll make me the happiest man on Earth. I've got money riding on ya. Do it, honey. Do
        it for me, Peg.

 Peggy looks adoringly at Al. He winks at Bud.

AL      [to Bud, smug] Gutterball.

 Peggy bowls. We see a strike.

MARCY   Strike! A new alley record!

 The crowd goes wild.

BUD     Not much left to say but goodbye eh, Dad?

AL      Ah, it's no big thing. Doesn't matter. Whatever she bowls, I'll just come back and beat
        her. I'll bowl every night of my life until that record is mine. How bad could it be? I
        mean, what's she bowlin'? Two sixty?

MARCY   Strike!

BUD     Two seventy, Dad.

AL      [mopping his brow] Not impossible. Not impossible.

PEGGY   Oh, Al. I need you.

 Al crosses to her.

PEGGY   Marcy says three more strikes and I'll have a perfect game. A perfect game, Al. I'm so
        nervous. What if I make a mess of it, like you did on our honeymoon? Help me, honey.

AL      All right, everybody. We have a woman working on a perfect game here. She's a little 
        nervous. Now I want quiet. That means no comments about her shaking hands, her draining
        strength, or how her outdated dress hardly fits anymore, on this, yet another birthday.
        Go ahead honey. Bowl.

 Peggy prepares to bowl.

AL      Remember, everybody. Absolute quiet.

 As she bowls he yells loudly to scare her. She jumps. The ball flies out of her hand. It bounces 
 on the alley. It strikes. The crowd goes wild.

KELLY   Strike! Strike!

 Marcy grabs Al by the collar and walks him to the seats.

MARCY   You, sir, are Satan's toejam. I'm on to you. Trying to sabotage your wife. Is there no
        limit to how low you'll go?

AL      Well, I wouldn't kiss you on a bet.

MARCY   Can't you let this woman have one night of joy? She has so little. She's married to you.
        You've seen her children. And now, for one fleeting moment, she has a chance to bask in
        the sun, instead of... [indicates Al's underarms] ...reeling from the moons. Now, go
        encourage her.

 Al goes to Peggy.

AL      Peg. [beat] Our children were killed in an avalanche.

 Marcy pulls him away.

MARCY   Bowl, Peggy. Bowl like the wind. We're all behind you.

 Al sits with Bud.

AL      Well, can't beat a three hundred game, I guess. What the hell, I never really liked
        bowling anyway. The twenty years of practice were just getting me ready for what I really 
        like to do. Lying on a lawn chair in the backyard, letting the buzzards pick at my eyes.

BUD     She won't do it, Dad. The chances of her bowling a perfect game are a million to one.
        Even pros don't bowl...

MARCY   Steer-ike!

 Al sighs deeply. Marcy runs over and yells happily in his face.

MARCY   One more! One more and she's got it. God, you must feel low.

 She kisses him on the cheek. She rushes to Peggy. Al motions to the kids to come sit with him.
 They do.

AL      Kelly, come here. Kids, do you know what you're witnessing here?

BUD     A perfect game?

AL      Nope. The Bundy Curse. That's what keeps us from being happy. There's no point in 
        fighting it. It's what separates us from the ordinary losers. They can have their
        moments. But not us. Never us.

KELLY   But Mom's having a major moment now, and she's a Bundy.

AL      No, she's not really a Bundy. She's just Bundy by marriage. She's part of the Curse. But
        we are the blood Bundys. We are truly doomed.

 Al solemnly puts his hand out. They put theirs on top. They sigh deeply as they solemnly "whoa
 Bundy".

PEGGY   Well, Al. This is it. This one's for you, honey.

AL      I know, Peg. I know.

 She bowls. They watch. We see she knocks down nine pins. Everyone is frozen in shock but Al.

AL      Yes!!!

 He jumps up and down with glee, weeps with joy.

AL      I can bowl again.

 Then we see him look down the alley. We see the pin start to shake.

AL      [softly] No.

 We see the pin go down. Peggy shrieks with joy. The whole alley goes nuts, surrounding her. Al
 walks over to the seats, lies down, puts his hands between his legs and curls up in a fetal
 position.


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

 The Bundy living room - later
 Al is watching TV. He looks happy.
 
 Insert TV
 We see a newscaster at the scene at a brick wall.

GARRETT	Hi, Garrett Glaser, for News Wrap-Up. A tragedy was narrowly averted today, when a man
        returning home from a bowling alley, where his wife just bowled a perfect game, raced
        into a burning building, saved a family of ten and the family dog, Winkie.

 We see Al is the hero.

GARRETT Mr. Bundy, what made you do it?

AL      Well, Garrett. I guess I've always been a winner. And winners are always there at the
        winnin' time.

GARRETT Mr. Bundy. People around here are talking about running you for Mayor.

AL      [cocky] Well, I'm not sayin' I won't run. But if I do, order the beer and get your
        bribes ready, cause as I said, I am a winner.

 The newscaster looks at Al admiringly. We hear the crowd chant "Bundy, Bundy". Al waves
 modestly.

 Back at the house
 We see Peggy, Kelly and Bud on the landing. Peggy holds a huge bowling trophy.

KELLY   Why is Daddy watching a blank screen?

 We see Al, smiling, watching nothing.

PEGGY   I don't know, but he seems pretty happy.

BUD     He just may have snapped, Mom.

PEGGY   Well, it's not like you need a brain to sell shoes. Now, come help Mommy put her big
        trophy in front of Daddy's little ones. Goodnight, honey.

 Al continues to stare at the TV. He mimes changing the station as if he held the remote control.
 We see the TV change channels. We see Roy Firestone on the set of "Sportslook".

ROY     Hi, I'm Roy Firestone, and our guest tonight on Sportslook personally re-wrote the record 
        book on both offense and defense. Meet future Hall Of Famer, Al, "Icky" Bundy.

 We see Al in the guest chair. He is wearing a football jersey.

ROY     Al, I can't help but notice you're wearing your football uniform, even though the season
        has been over for three months.

AL      Well, Roy, it fits good and the chicks love it.

 Al and Roy laugh, then Roy leans in.

ROY     Let's get serious. Tell us about your wife's three hundred game. Did that affect you at
        all, mentally?

AL      It might have affected me if I didn't have anything else in my life. But, between the 
        NFL, the endorsements, being knighted by the Queen of England, what the Hell, let the 
        little lady have her own little moment in the sun.

ROY     Al, one word to describe yourself. What would it be?

AL      [little smile] Winner.

 Roy turns to the camera.

ROY     Al Bundy. Husband, Father, football player, bull fighter, aviator, and inventor of the
        seven day underwear. Truly, the complete man.

 We see Al, on the couch, totally, utterly, and completely mad.


THE END