Regular Cast:

Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Peggy Bundy................Katey Sagal
Marcy Rhoades..............Amanda Bearse
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Buck.......................Buck the Dog

Guest Cast:

Bill Palomino..............Ben Lemon
Station Manager............Fran Montano



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

 Peggy and Bud are standing in the kitchen in front of the oven. Peggy takes a pot out of the
 oven.

PEGGY   Okay, Honey, it's ready.

 We see Al sitting at the kitchen table in front of an empty plate, setting a napkin to his shirt
 collar. Peggy walks over to Al with the pot.

PEGGY   All right, what would you like to start with?

AL      Something light. The gas bill.

 Peggy takes a bill out of the pot and hands it to Al. Meanwhile, Bud sets a tray loaded with
 various medicine bottles on the table. Al looks at the bill, then holds out his hand.

AL      Pen.

 Peggy hands Al a pen.

AL      Bromo.

 Bud holds a bottle up to Al's lips and he sips. He signs the bill and puts it down on the table.

AL      Mortgage.

 Peggy hands Al another bill from the pot.

AL      Pepto.

 Bud pours some Pepto into Al's mouth. Al signs the bill and puts it down.

AL      Department store.

 Peggy hands Al a large stack of bills. Al weighs the bills in his hand and glances at Peggy.

AL      [to Bud] Shotgun.

PEGGY   Al, can't you go any faster? Let's pretend we're upstairs. I know: I'll yell "not yet".
        That always seems to speed you up.

AL      Oh, I'm sorry, Peg. Am I bringing you down? Well, let me try another attitude.

 Al takes the pot from Peggy's hands, gets up and starts singing while drumming on the pot.

AL      [with fake cheerfulness] Oh man, we're broke, cha cha cha. Everybody flat broke, cha cha
        cha. Living in the gutter, cha cha cha. Early grave, cha cha cha. All right now,
        everybody shoot me!

BUD     [to Peggy] I know what he needs when he gets like this. [to Al] Dad, let's go outside and
        I'll toss a frisbee to you and Buck.

AL      Oh no, you always toss it good to him, but me you make jump. There must be some way I can 
        raise my income. Wait a second, I just thought of something. Peg, do you think I should
        ask for a raise?

PEGGY   Oh no, Honey, that would be too demeaning. Make them come to you. We can make it. I know I
        don't mind living with a guy who has a 55 dollar limit on his mastercharge.

 Kelly comes in, looking dejected.

KELLY   Kiss me with a hammer!

PEGGY   [cooing] What's the matter, Honey?

 Peggy sits down on the couch.

KELLY   It's that school place. They want me to be a stupid intern at some stupid station.
        Channel 83. Nobody watches Channel 83.

AL      Well, "Cosmic Dog" is a pretty darn good show.

 Kelly sits down next to Peggy.

KELLY   God, it's so unfair. They gave all the cool assignments to the kids who were awake.
        [sighs] They're gonna make me work nights.

BUD     So now come dawn when we're wondering where you are, we'll just check the TV station
        instead of the bushes.

KELLY   Oh, go dance alone in your underwear.

PEGGY   [indifferently, while doing her nails] Al, the kids are arguing again. Would you talk to
        them?

AL      Talking to them won't make them go away, Peg. Besides, I have to concentrate on this
        raise thing. It's time I got my dignity back! [to Bud] Come on, Bud. Let's get some
        Windex and a squeegee and hit the offramps.

 Bud and Al head towards the garage.

AL      Daddy needs to buy a power tie.

 Bud and Al exit.

KELLY   Mom, what am I gonna do? If I don't do this stupid intern thing, I won't graduate.

PEGGY   Hmm, graduation... Kelly, maybe it's time we had a little talk. You're getting to be a
        big girl now, and there's something I've been putting off telling you for a while. But
        time is slipping by quickly, and I don't want you to learn about it on the street. Honey, 
        [clears throat] there is a thing out there that men will want you to do. In fact, they'll 
        expect it. Now, no woman really enjoys it, but we do it, get them to marry us, and then
        never have to do it again. That horrible thing is called 'work'.

KELLY   Hold me, Mom, I'm scared.

 Peggy puts her arm around Kelly consolingly.

PEGGY   Oh, I know, I know. But Honey, the important thing is to do it early, while you're still
        young. That way, when your husband comes home, reeking of beer, wantin' some lovin',
        you'll follow that fat rump upstairs, because you'll know that no matter how disgusting
        the next three minutes will be, it still beats the hell out of work. [laughs]

 Kelly smiles.

KELLY   Thank you, Mom. You're so wise.

PEGGY   Ah well, you know, you can't sit on a sofa twenty hours a day and not learn something...


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO
 
 The Channel 83 studios
 The station manager and Bill Palomino, a news anchor, are talking. Kelly enters holding a paper
 bag.

KELLY   Okay, who ordered the coffee?

MNGR    I did.

 Kelly takes out a large can of powdered coffee and gives it to the station manager. She walks
 away. Bill follows her with his eyes. He whistles.

BILL    Who is that?

MNGR    It's our new intern. [draws Bill's attention back] What we need is a gimmick to get the
        ratings up.

 We see Kelly rearranging some of the magnets on the weather map.

KELLY   Look! I made it cloudy way up in the pointy states. 

 She laughs and moves another magnet, wriggling her butt as she does so. Bill and the station
 manager, who have been watching her, look at each other thoughtfully.


ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

 Al, Bud and Peggy are sitting on the couch. Al has his feet propped up on the coffee table and
 his hands folded behind his head and is looking very smug.

PEGGY   Come on, Al. What is it you're gonna tell us? Is it about your raise?

AL      Ah ah ah, Peg. Not till the whole family's here. This news is so big I even want the girl 
        to hear it.

 Kelly comes in, smiling widely.

AL      There we go.

 Al gets up.

AL      It's time. Family -

KELLY   [cutting Al off] Mom, Dad, I just got a job for $1000 a week.

PEGGY   Are you kidding me?? Really?

 Peggy and Bud get up and rush over to Kelly and hug her excitedly, repeatedly saying "we're
 rich!".

BUD     [wiping a tear from his eye] Oh Mom, oh Mom, she's finally turning pro.

PEGGY   Oh, a successful Bundy. Oh Al, come and brown-nose with us.

AL      [mumbling] Why should I, you already do it.

 He sits back down.

PEGGY   Oh, I'm sorry, Honey. You had an announcement too.

AL      Did not.

BUD     Come on, Dad, tell us. We're really interested.

 Kelly and Peggy nod in agreement.

AL      Okay.

 Al gets up.

AL      Well, today I made my stand at work. I fought, I threw myself on the ground, I screamed
        like a woman. But I finally got what I was after. Folks, you're looking at a man with a
        five dollar a week raise!

 Bud and Peggy stare at him a beat, then go back to their brown-nosing. Al shrugs and walks off,
 looking hurt.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

 Bud and Peggy are sitting on the couch. Al is pacing near the garage door.

BUD     Hurry up, Dad. She's gonna be on in a minute.

 Al joins the others on the couch.

AL      Well, I still think it's a pretty unfair world when someone who doesn't even have a high
        school diploma makes more than someone important, like a PhD, or a shoesalesman.

PEGGY   Oh Honey, you may not make much money, but Kelly will never have the satisfaction of
        saying: [in a deep voice, miming Al putting his hand down his pants] "I used to play a
        little high school ball".

AL      [to Bud] You know, Son, one day you'll have a girl just like the girl that's killing dear 
        old Dad.

PEGGY   Shut up, Al. [excitedly] Oh, she's coming on!

 We see the Channel 83 broadcast. Bill Palomino is sitting at his desk holding some papers.

ANNOUN  [v.o.] And now the Action weather, with meteorologist Bill Palomino.

BILL    And yes, girls, I'm still single. [winks] Now, let's have some fun: let's do weather.
        It's still sunny here in Chicago, but up in Washington they're expecting more clouds.
        Right, Weather Bunny?

 We see Kelly standing next to the weather map in a very revealing outfit.

KELLY   Right-o, Bill.

 Kelly takes a cloud magnet and places it over Washington.

KELLY   Look folks, it stays up there all by itself!

 We go back to the Bundy living room to see Al looking bitter and unhappy.

AL      Oh yeah, life's fair.

BILL    And we have tornado warnings for -

 Kelly appears behind Bill.

KELLY   [cutting Bill off] Excuse me, Bill, but I have a little inside tip for our viewers.
        [holds up a cloud magnet. To camera:] You see these little clouds? Now, they won't stick
        to just anything. Look!

 Kelly presses the magnet to her forehead and it falls to the floor. Bill forces a smile.

KELLY   Now kids, don't try this at home. Back to you, Bill.

 We return to the Bundy living room 

PEGGY   [proudly] Oh, look at her, Al. The product of our love.

AL      [smiling bitterly] That's not surprising, is it, Peg.


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

 Al is sitting at the kitchen table, setting a napkin to his shirt collar. Peggy brings a bowl of
 bread sticks to the table.

PEGGY	Oh, Al, I know you're a little down, what with Kelly making more in a day than you made
        in the 80s, but as far as I'm concerned you're still the man in the house.

AL      Thanks, Peg. What's for dinner?

PEGGY   Veal.

AL      I hate veal!

PEGGY   Well, I know. But Kelly wanted it.

 Bud leads a group of male teenagers down the stairs, talking into a megaphone.

BUD     So as you can all see, Kelly Bundy overcame blinding poverty to become the star she is
        today. And remember, later there will be a chance for all of you to purchase some of her
        bath water.

 The teenagers exchange excited looks.

BUD     So now, if you'll just wave to Kelly's mother on the way out -

 Everyone waves. Peggy smiles and waves back.

BUD     - We'll conclude the tour with the car that Kelly was conceived in and, the garage where
        she was born.

 Bud and the group of teenagers go inside the garage.

PEGGY   Oh Al, isn't this exiciting?

 Peggy joins Al at the kitchen table.

AL      He didn't even introduce me, Peg!

PEGGY   Well, you know, we discussed it, but the legend seemed to work better with you dead.

AL      Oh.

 Kelly comes in.

KELLY   Oh God, what a day. Clouds just would not stick!

 Kelly joins Al and Peggy at the kitchen table.

AL      I'm bleeding for you. Pass me a bread stick.

 Kelly starts to do so, but Peggy stops her.

PEGGY   Al! She reaches for a living. She should relax when she's at home. [to Kelly] Excuse your 
        father, Honey. He's an idiot.

 We see Bud preventing Marcy from entering the house, as the group of teenagers is leaving.

MARCY   Peggy! Tell Bud I don't have to pay to get in here.

PEGGY   That's right, Bud. I sold her a lifetime pass yesterday.

 Bud let's Marcy inside. She walks over to Kelly.

MARCY   Kelly, I've gotta ask you a question.

KELLY   I am sorry, but I am not allowed to reveal tomorrow's weather until tomorrow.

MARCY   To hell with the weather. Give me the poop on Palomino. Boy, there's one warm front I
        wouldn't mind settling over me for a few days...

KELLY   Well, actually, he's not the nice man that he appears to be. I mean, just today after the 
        weather, when I, like America, wondered aloud where East Dakota was, he went to the
        station manager and said: "Either the bimbo goes, or I go."

 Al chuckles smugly.

AL      Well, looks like things will start to get back to normal around here now. So I guess the
        next tour comes through here, you'll be selling my bath water.

MARCY   I'm sorry you lost your job, Kelly.

KELLY   My job? They canned him like a tuna. I mean, after all, I am the one in the short skirt.

PEGGY   [smiling] And you always will be, Honey.

MARCY   [nostalgic] Oh, your first job. How exciting. Working during your high school years...
        that's what I did. [frowns] While everyone else was out having fun. [brightens] But, I
        was saving for a college education. And that's what it went for. [scowls] My sister's
        college education! And of course, Mother wouldn't dream of asking her to work. No.
        Because Sis was too pretty and too delicate to be hauling around slabs of meat. Now she's
        a physicist, and I can stuff a sausage with one hand tied behind my back. [brightens
        again] So, everything worked out. I guess what I'm trying to say is... [breaks down into
        tears] What happened to my life? My youth??

AL      [indicating Marcy] Peg, do you mind here?

 Peggy gets up and escorts Marcy to the door.

MARCY   All I want is my fair share. To go to the prom, to work on a float, to have a date with a 
        boy instead of a pork shoulder I call Vinnie. Peggy, do I deserve to be treated like
        this? I'm just -

 Peggy shuts the door in Marcy's face. Al mouths "thank you".

PEGGY   God, she needs a date worse than I do.

 Peggy walks back to the kitchen.

KELLY   Mom, she really depressed me.

PEGGY   Oh, Honey, it's all right. I know what would make you feel better. 

 Peggy sits at the kitchen table.

PEGGY   Al, tell us again about your "raise". How much was it?

 Peggy and Kelly laugh heartily. Al throws his napkin on the table angrily and goes to sit in the
 living room.

KELLY   Oh, you're the greatest, Mom. But I really do need some advice.

 Kelly moves closer to Peggy.

KELLY   Mom, I'm on the horns of an enema. See, in order to be the weather girl I have to work
        full time, and that would mean I'd have to quit school. 

PEGGY   Ooh, gee, Kelly, quitting school's a big step. I mean, that's where we get our pens and
        pencils, and our - and our little cartons of milk. [to Al] Al, talk to her.

AL      What's left to say, Mama Walton? [to Kelly] Come here, young lady. [indicates the cushion 
        next to him]

 Kelly goes to sit next to Al.

AL      Now Kelly, you've gotta stay in school. It's important for your future. Now, look at me:
        if I didn't have a high school diploma, I'd just be, um... [thinks a beat] Well, maybe
        I'm not a good example, but it does help other people: you know, lawyers, doctors,
        astronauts... [realizing] Everybody except me. 

 Al falls into thought.

KELLY   Daddy?

AL      Give Daddy a second here. [pondering] What happened to me? I'm not a stupid man... Oh
        well. It's important to stay in school. You can command a much bigger salary with a high
        school diploma than without it. Now, how much are they gonna pay you to be this weather
        girl?

 Kelly picks up the contract offer and looks at it.

KELLY   Well, contract is for three years at, um, $250,000 a year.

 Al snatches the contract offer from Kelly and reads it.

AL      All right: high school is for dummies! Now, I wanted to pull you out of the seventh grade 
        but your mother and that county wouldn't let me.

PEGGY   [tauntingly] What about the astronauts, Al?

AL      You name one that's doing better than my little girl here! [to Kelly] Now Pumpkin, you're
        going to need a manager. It should be someone close to you, maybe even a family member.
        Someone you can trust.

KELLY   Well, I trust you, Daddy.

AL      [smiling] And I love you, Pumpkin. Now, I know you want Daddy, but he doesn't come cheap.
        See, I'm gonna have to retire from the shoe business to manage you.

PEGGY   Al, can't you sell shoes and rob Kelly at the same time?

AL      Shut up, Peg, if you wanna live here with me and my baby. [to Kelly] Now, I'll take 40%
        of the gross.

KELLY   What's "gross" mean?

AL      [to Peggy, smiling widely] She's some special little girl, isn't she, Peg?

KELLY   Oh, Daddy, can I ask you a favor?

AL      Kelly, you don't even have to ask. [to Peggy] Peg, take the boy and the dog and get out
        of here.

KELLY   No, Dad, I wanna know if I can get a Porsche. They said I could have one if you would
        co-sign the loan for me.

AL      Yeah, right, so that I would be responsible for it. Forget it. You don't need a Porsche.
        Why, for the same amount of money you could have my old Dodge.

 Peggy crosses to the couch and pulls Kelly up by the arm.

PEGGY   Come on, Kelly. Daddy's not the only parent you've got.

 Al pulls Kelly by her other arm.

AL      Forget it, Peg. You can have a percentage of our son, Buck.

PEGGY   Bud.

 Peggy pulls Kelly towards her again.

AL      Bud, Buck, what's the difference? Take 'em both. Kelly is my baby. And if my baby wants a 
        Porsche, a Porsche she shall have!

 Al leads Kelly towards the door.

KELLY   Hey Dad, can we stop for ice cream?

AL      We sure can, if you're paying.


ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

 Peggy is cooking veal in the kitchen. Bud is sitting at the kitchen table.

BUD     Veal again?

PEGGY   Kelly likes veal.

BUD     If Kelly wanted my head on a platter, would you do it for her?

PEGGY   Honey, for a quarter mil a year I would make Bundy kebabs out of you *and* your father.

 Al enters wearing a suit and sunglasses.

AL      Family babes! How's it goin'?

PEGGY   Al, that suit must've cost a fortune!

AL      [chuckling] Hey, nothing's too good for me. Peg, I'm telling you, I'm a changed man.
        You're looking at a whole new Al Bundy.

 Al sits down on the couch and puts his hand down his pants.

BUD     Did you get Kelly's contracts all finalized?

AL      Well, just a couple of sticky points to iron out. Tomorrow I'm bringing out the big guns.
        Gonna get me one of them high-class Sears lawyers. Oh, I quit my job, too. Yeah, they
        begged me to stay, but I laughed in their faces. I told them: "Hey, I need an extra five
        bucks a week, I'll get it off my little girl!"

 Peggy sits next to Al.

PEGGY   Oh, gee, Honey, who would've thought that big thirty seconds you spent seventeen years
        ago would pay off like this?

AL      And you said it wasn't any good!

 Al and Peggy laugh and kiss.

BUD     Well, I'm getting all "A"s in school, and my teacher said if I keep it up I could make
        school Valedictorian.

 Bud sits next to Peggy.

AL      Yeah, that and twenty-five cents will buy you a bag of chips.

 Peggy laughs and points at Bud. Al glances at his watch.

AL      Yep, time to watch our little meal-ticket do the weather.

 Al turns the TV on.

PEGGY   I'm nervous, Al. 

AL      Chill out, babe. All she has to do is read it off the teleprompter.

 We hear the TV announcer.

ANNOUN  [v.o.] And now our Action News weather, with meteorologist weather-bunny Kelly Bundy.

 We see Kelly on TV, sitting at the news desk.

KELLY   [to camera] Hello everyone. Oh, hi Daddy, I like my car. Oh, by the way, Jim here's too
        modest to tell you, but he won that big office pool on how many people died in that train 
        wreck in Peru. Way to go, Jim! [claps] Anyway, on to the weather. [reading from the
        teleprompter with noticeable difficulty] There is a strom coming to...

 Back at the Bundy house...

PEGGY   [to Al] You know, that reading tutor is really paying off.

 Al nods his agreement. We see Kelly again.

KELLY   [leaning closer to the teleprompter] To... Chic-ago.

 We hear the station manager shout "Chicago" from offscreen.

KELLY   Uh-oh. There's a strom coming to us? What's a strom?

MNGR    [o.s.] Storm!

 We see the other Bundys watching.

BUD     Why don't they just put some peanut butter on her gums, like they did with Mr. Ed?

 We see Kelly sit on the desk to have a better view of the teleprompter.

KELLY   Winds are up to 30 mphs.

MNGR    [o.s.] That's 'miles per hour', you idiot!

KELLY   [to the station manger] Hey, I'm not an idiot. I happen to be a metertelologist, dork.
        [to camera, smiling again] Anyway, strom clods are forming -

MNGR    [o.s., cutting Kelly off] Clouds! Strom clouds! Oh, never mind. Somebody get her off, I'm
        ripping up her contract, she's gone.

 Kelly reveals some thigh hopefully. Back at the Bundy house the three other Bundys react.

AL      [to Bud] All "A"s, huh?


ACT TWO

SCENE FOUR

 A bit later
 Al is pacing behind the couch, rubbing his temples. Peggy and Bud are still sitting on the
 couch.

PEGGY	I know what you're thinking, Al. If only you'd let Kelly sign her contract when she
        wanted to, we'd be rich. Or are you thinking: "You know, if I had the brain of a goldfish 
        I could get a better job"?

AL      I guess I ought to get my old job back, huh?

BUD     Well, I don't know, Dad. You might be a little rusty. Are you sure you can still do this? 
        [mimes holding a shoe]

 Bud and Peggy laugh among themselves.

AL      [cynically] Ha ha. Oh, I love you guys. [face clouding] What a disaster, huh? Yeah, the
        real killer was the Porsche. Well, how bad could the depreciation be? She only drove it
        four miles. That could only be, what, about eight, ten thousand dollars?

 Al grabs his hair miserably. The phone rings. Bud answers it.

BUD     [talking on the phone] Hello? [listens; to Al:] It's Kelly on her car phone, Dad.

 Al takes the receiver from Bud.

AL      [talking on the phone] Kelly? [listens] Yes, we still love you. [listens] Yes, I'm glad
        you like your car. [listens; sarcastically:] Of course you can keep it after this. [to
        Bud and Peggy] She is an idiot. [on the phone] Kelly, be very very careful. Drive very
        carefully. [listens] Yes, we still love you. Be very, very careful. 

 Al replaces the receiver.

AL      Thank God, she's just right down the street.

 Al runs to the door and looks outside.

AL      Ah, here she comes. Easy, Kelly. Easy, Kelly. [turns back to Bud and Peggy] Ah, thank
        God, she's in the garage. You know, Peg, if anything ever happened to that Porsche, my
        life would be -

 He is interrupted by the sound of tires screeching and a car engine revving, followed by a
 crash. We see Kelly's Porsche drive into the back yard, pushing a large pile of debris in front
 of it. Kelly picks up her car phone and dials. The phone in the living room rings. Bud answers
 it.

BUD     [talking on the phone] Hello? [listens; to Al:] It's Kelly on her car phone, Dad.

AL      Tell her "hi" for me.

BUD     [on the phone] So, what's up? [listens] Dad mad? No, he's just a little concerned for
        your safety. 

 We see Al pick up a baseball bat.

BUD     [on the phone, smiling slyly] Come on in.

 Freeze frame on Kelly coming out of the car as Al waits by the sliding door, holding the bat.


THE END