Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill...................Al Bundy
Katey Sagal..................Peggy Bundy
Amanda Bearse................Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate..........Kelly Bundy
David Faustino...............Bud Bundy
Buck/Mike The Dog............Buck

Guest Cast:

Tiffani-Amber Thiessen.......Heather McCoy
Joel J. Edwards..............Jeff
Bojesse Christopher Graham...Rick
Carol Gustafson..............Principal Ravinko
Mik Scriba...................Mr. Blum
Steve Bruskin................Clyde
Joshua D. Howard.............Guy #1
Corey Tyler..................Guy #2



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

 Peggy is sitting on the couch, smoking a cigarette, while watching TV.
 Al comes in through the front door.

AL     Hi, Peg. [hangs up his coat] Gee, you must have misunderstood me this morning. I said
       you should buy a vegetable.

PEGGY  Gee, and I guess I must have misunderstood you last night when you said; "Brace yourself,
       this time it's gonna be good."

 Al kisses Peggy's head.

AL     Any mail?

 Peggy flicks ash into an envelope that she is using as an ashtray.

PEGGY  Ooh, yeah, something did come today, let's see, what did it say? "Open Immediately"?
       "Urgent"? "Do Not Delay", something like that. Gee, what could it be? [flicks more ash into
       the envelope and looks down at it] Oh, [chuckles] here it is!

 Peggy hands the envelope to Al. Al snatches it from Peggy.

AL     Oh good, [tips up the envelope and lots of ash and cigarette butts fall out] those ashes
       from Sharper Image I ordered came. [Al reads the back of the envelope] Hey, this is from
       Polk High School! What could they be writing to me about after all these years?

PEGGY  Well, maybe they've retired your stall in the boy's bathroom.

AL     Hot diggitty dog diggitty [points his finger, as a gun, at Peggy] BOOM what you do to me.

 Peggy gives Al a look. Al reads the letter.

AL     [excited] Hey, look, they want me to introduce the football team's M.V.P. at the
       Homecoming Dance Friday night! "We're seeking one of the great football heroes of the
       Chicago land area, that's why we've asked YOU... [look of confusion on Al's face] Mr. 
       Gail Sayers." No, that's crossed out; [still confused] "Mr. Jim McMahon", crossed out...
       "Mr. Walter Peyton, Mr. Mike Singletary, Mr. [with disbelief] ABE VAGODA!?". All crossed
       out. Ah, here we go; [muted triumph] "Mr. Alf Bundy". [wipes a tear from his eye] They
       still remember.

PEGGY  Oh, Alf!

AL     [excited] And I'll bet they're gonna wanna hear a little speech! You know, [goes over to
       kitchen table to write] I've got much to say to America's youth. If I could just help one
       kid not marry, my job is done.


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

 A hallway in Polk High School.
 Bud is putting a book into his locker. He turns around when he hears someone howling like a dog
 on heat. Kelly rushes around the corner.

KELLY  Did you hear that? You'd think a science teacher would have more dignity. So, Gnome,
       everyone's gonna be at the homecoming dance. Where are you gonna be?

BUD    Hey, I'll be there... with a date.

KELLY  Huh, who's gonna be the girl this year: You, or Joey?

BUD    Ho Ho, Won Over Easy. I got me a hot date; Heather McCoy.

KELLY  Heather McCoy? The one you were in love with in 6th Grade? The one who took you skinny
       dipping and stole your clothes, then ran your underwear up a flag pole???

BUD    Yep.

KELLY  Bud, why don't you just go out with somebody who likes you? Oh, I'm sorry... Buck has
       outgrown his party dress.

BUD    Good one, Human Trampoline. As it happens; Heather is quite taken with me.

KELLY  Why would someone as popular as Heather McCoy want to go out with someone as popular as
       eye snot?

 Heather McCoy comes around the corner, giggling, with a couple of girls.

BUD    Hush hush, Sweet Harlot, here she comes.

McCOY  Hi, Bud. Are we still on for the dance Friday?

BUD    I shall drink in your beauty, as the bee does the nectar of the flower.

 Bud kisses the back of Heather's hand. Heather starts to leave.

McCOY  [to Kelly] Isn't he a dream?

 Heather leaves.

KELLY  How did you do that??

BUD    Research. I've been studying her since the 6th Grade, plotting, planning, cataloguing her
       likes and dislikes, and now, the time is right to strike, for I am at the zenith of my
       studliness... five long years, and now, finally she's mine.

KELLY  You still love her, huh?

BUD    Nope, I'm after revenge, baby. Sweet, pure, uncut revenge.

KELLY  Why bother? I mean, that was 5 years ago, nobody remembers your underwear up on a flag
       pole.

 Two guys notice Bud, they stop, salute and recite a pledge of allegiance.

KIDS   I pledge allegiance to the underwear of the United Shorts of Bud Bundy.

 They fall about laughing uncontrollably and then leave.

BUD    Yeah, no one but the 75 kids who do that to me everyday. That's why I'm gonna get Heather
       McCoy. Phase One is now completed.

KELLY  What's Phase Two; you touch her on the knee and then start to cry?

BUD    Not quite, Oh She Whose Head Can Never Be Seen In A Car. Phase Two comes Friday, we
       dance, she's looking up at me - engulfed in the cool that is I, and then, at ten o'clock
       sharp; [acting out his plan] I dance her over to the big floor vent - which by Friday 
       will be set on a timer, and at precisely Ten, an industrial fan whooshes through the vent
       - like Dad on a baloney bender, and blows her dress up... AND THE WORLD WILL SEE HER 
       UNDERWEAR! REVENGE!! REVENGE!!


ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

 Peggy is still sitting on the couch smoking while watching TV.

TV     Tonight at eight, what's black and white and funny all over? Gary Coleman and Ned Beatty
       are "Ethan and The Jackal". Two wrongly fired Harvard professors who love the classics 
       and hate crime. Come, watch us now!

PEGGY  Whoa. 

 Peggy switches off the TV. Al enters through the front door.

AL     Hi, Peggy. Gee, you know, I was thinking; maybe I ought'a take a picture of your behind.
       Then that way, if the couch was ever stolen, the police could match the prints with at
       least one of the cushions.

PEGGY  Oh, come on Al, you know you love your Honey Buns. Remember, you used to rub them every
       night before you went to sleep.

AL     Yeah, but it's just that I hate to go to sleep with the smell of feet on my hands. All
       right now, be quiet and let me work on my speech here.

 Al sits down on the couch and picks up some papers from the coffee table.

PEGGY  Look, Al, all they want you to do is announce this year's M.V.P. and then slink off into
       the shadows of obscurity where you belong.

AL     It's just killing you that somebody remembers me, isn't it? That someone thinks of me as, 
       as more than just a shoe salesman, or the family wallet, or the running joke at the
       beauty parlor. These people want me 'cause I'm a genuine football hero... and they're
       probably gonna want to see some mementos too. Where's my old football helmet?

PEGGY  Well, judging from the shape of your head, I'd say your scalp grew over it.

AL     Ah, you know, when you talk like this; I just wanna get down on my knees and bite your
       ankles like a pitbull. [He and Peggy laugh]  All right, Peg, let the couch have a little
       air and go get that helmet... and other symbols of my heroism.

PEGGY  Oh, all right... nobody cares though!

 Peggy gets up to search for Al's mementos.

AL     Go, go.
       [Al stands to read his speech] I am Al Bundy. Pause for applause, [Bud comes down the
       stairs] ovation dies down... they sit.

BUD    Dad, I need to talk to you for a second.

AL     Bud, I'm working on a speech right now.

BUD    Dad, when you were in school, did a girl ever do something to you... something so rotten
       that it actually ruined your whole life?

AL     Yes, and you call that girl "Mom" now.

BUD    Well, what if she didn't actually marry me, but still did something real bad? I mean, if
       you were gonna get revenge; that wouldn't be wrong, would it?

AL     Son, let me tell you something about revenge. Now this is something that you're going to
       have to learn, before you can truly call yourself a man: Revenge is great. It's
       phenomenal. It's the only thing that separates us from the animals. It's why I stay with
       your mother. Now, Son, if you have a chance to get back at a girl who has wronged you -- 
       do it. Do it now, do it good, do it twice! There'll be many women in your life, Son, but 
       the one you get revenge on, will always be the sweetest of them all.

 They hug and pat each other on the back.

BUD    Thanks, Dad.

AL     Hey! Humiliate her for me, Son.

BUD    You got it, Dad.

AL     Husband, Father, Speaker. How do I do it all?


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

 Al is still standing, working on his speech.
 Peggy enters from the basement. She is concealing something behind her.

AL     Hey, did you find any of my football mementos to show the fans?

PEGGY  Oh, I certainly did... your athletic supporter.

 Peggy holds up a small and dirty athletic supporter.

PEGGY  [reads the label on the inside] Gee, "XS". Must stand for "Extra Snug", huh? Now honey,
       would you like me to write "front" and "back" on these like I do on your underwear? Or do
       you think that this "R-I-P" says it all?

AL     Well, as long as we're writing on each other's underwear, why don't you pass me a pair of
       yours so I can draw the skull and cross bones?

 The doorbell rings.

AL     Get that, will you, Sweetheart?

PEGGY  Ah ha.

 Peggy drops the supporter on the coffee table and goes to answer the door. Al sits down on the couch. 
 Peggy opens the door and Marcy enters. Marcy walks straight over to Al and sits next to him.

MARCY  Hiiii. Hope I'm not interrupting anything. I just wanted you to know I'm holding up well
       after being deserted by my husband. What was his name? Oh yes, "Doodie Face".
       
 Al is ignoring Marcy. Peggy sits on the couch, so Marcy focuses her attention on Peggy.

MARCY  Anyway, I know you're concerned, despite the fact that you haven't called, or stopped by, 
       or even veered to the left when I was lying in your driveway.

PEGGY  Well, Marcy, it's not that we don't care, it's just that the McNuggets were getting cold.

MARCY  Oh, well, no-one could expect you to care about a friend when you've got a greasy bag of
       fried viddles a-coolin'. [gets up and walks to the back of the couch] But, to answer the
       question "How's she doing now?" the answer is; she's doing fine. The crisis is over! No
       more sitting at home for me, na-ha, I'm gonna go out there and grab me a pocket full of
       life. I'm gonna go, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna experience everything this bowl of cherries 
       we call life has to offer. [building up a great deal of excitement] So watch out world,
       here comes Marcy Rhoades!

 Marcy's excitement is met with no response. She waits a while, then her excitement vanishes.

MARCY  [pitifully, to Al] So, whatchya doing?

AL     [impatiently] I'm trying to write a speech for the Homecoming at the High School Dance
       tomorrow night.

MARCY  Can I go? I'm so alone, please. Just some sort of human contact, a voice other than my
       own. Oh, please God, throw a dog a bone.

PEGGY  Oh, Al, my heart goes out to her. We should let Marcy come. She can buy gas... and dinner
       afterwards.

AL     Oh, all right. Look, as long as I've got you here, let me try a little something out on
       you. [Al goes over the dining table and picks up an egg] Now, in my speech, I'm using a
       visual aid to point out to the students the pitfalls in life. This is your brain, 
       [holds up the egg] this is your brain on marriage.
       [throws the egg on the floor] Any questions?


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

 The Homecoming Dance.
 Marcy is talking to two disinterested, complete strangers.

MARCY  ...but to answer the question "How's she doing now?", the answer is, she's doing fine.

 The scene quickly shifts to Peggy. She is dancing, alone but enjoying it, while smoking a cigarette.
 Principal Ravenko takes to the stage.

RAVNKO Students and fellow Homecomingers, I'd like to introduce our guest speaker. I was hoping
       to introduce someone famous or even interesting. Instead, I give you Al Bundy, Polk High's
       Most Valuable Player of 1966. Mr. Bundy?

 Al appears from behind the stage curtain. He is met with stony silence. Al attempts to adjust
 the microphone, but it falls from its stand onto the floor.

AL     [picking up the microphone] Thank you.
       [places the microphone into it's stand, then holds up an egg] This is your brain...


ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

 Bud enters with Heather McCoy.

BUD    Here we are, my dear. May I say that's a lovely dress, so light and airy.

McCOY  Well, you should get a picture of me in it.

BUD    Oh, I will; I already bought the frame.

 Kelly enters with a guy named Rick.

RICK   Kelly, thanks for coming to the dance with me.

KELLY  Why wouldn't I? You're the only one for me, Jeff.

RICK   Er, Rick.

KELLY  Right. Could you go get me some punch?

 Rick walks over to the punch bowl.
 Kelly turns around and runs out of the hall, then immediately returns with another guy named Jeff.

JEFF   Kelly, thanks for meeting me tonight.

KELLY  Why wouldn't I? You're the only one for me, Rick.

JEFF   Jeff.

KELLY  Right. Could you go get me some punch?

 Jeff heads over to the punch bowl, just as Rick is returning.


ACT TWO

SCENE FOUR

 Al is still ranting on stage about women and football.

AL     Sure, before you marry 'em, all women like football, but as soon as you say "I Do"; they
       put on 40 pounds, and the only hike you'll see is them hiking up their pants before they
       weld their butts to the sofa for the rest of their worthless lives.
       I work for a living...


ACT TWO

SCENE FIVE

 Peggy is stopping the handsome young guys who pass by.

PEGGY  Could I trouble you for a light? [The young man lights Peggy's cigarette and then leaves.
       Peggy stamps out the cigarette and gets another one from her bag, then she quickly stops
       another passer-by] Could I trouble you for a light? [he gladly lights her cigarette] Thank you.
       [Peggy watches him walk away] Boom Baba Boom Baba Boom Baba Boom.

 A teacher from Polk High approaches Peggy.

BLUM   Hi there, I'm Blum, Electrical Shop. What would you say to you and me behind the
       bleachers?

PEGGY  [disinterested] It would never work out; there's a light back there - I could see you.

 Blum, embarrassed, straightens his tie.


ACT TWO

SCENE SIX

 Bud and Heather are dancing together.

McCOY  You know, I'm really sorry about what I did to you in the 6th Grade.

BUD    [lying badly] Did you do something to me in the 6th Grade?

McCOY  Yeah, you know, your underwear up the flagpole?

BUD    Was that you? I'd totally forgotten.

McCOY  Anyway, I was cruel to you, and I'm really sorry.

 Heather gives Bud a big kiss.

BUD    [in a high-pitched, squeaky voice] Excuse me.

 Bud goes over to Kelly, who is dancing with Rick, and taps her on her shoulder.

KELLY  [turns around quickly] You're the only one for me... [realises it's her brother that 
       she's talking to] Bud, what are you doing? Can't you see that I was working?

BUD    Kel, I'm thinking about calling it off. I mean, she's, she's sorry and she really likes 
       me now... she told me so.

KELLY  Bud, don't be a sucker your whole life. Let me tell you something about men and women:
       We're liars and you're all idiots. Watch... 

 Kelly stops the first guy who passes by.

KELLY  [girlishly and flirting] I really like you.

CLYDE  Really? Hey everybody, Kelly likes me!

KELLY  Can I have your watch?

CLYDE  Oh, well... it's my dad's...
       [Kelly gives him a doe-eyed, disappointed look] but sure! [happily hands the watch to her]
       wait till the guys hear. [turns and runs to tell the guys] Hey, she likes me!

 As soon as he leaves, Kelly tosses the watch away and it lands in the punch bowl.

KELLY  The prostitution rests.

BUD    So, what you're saying in your own little talking chimp kinda way, is that she really
       doesn't like me?

KELLY  How could she?

BUD    You're right. Tonight at 10 o'clock, the curtain goes up on Heather McCoy.

 They high-five in agreement.


ACT TWO

SCENE SEVEN

 Al is still on about football...

AL     ...And you wanna talk 'flying wedge', let's talk about my mother-in-law! People overuse
       the phrase "as big as the Earth", but kids, try to picture everyone you've ever known
       under one muumuu...


ACT TWO

SCENE EIGHT

 Marcy is dancing with a disinterested girl, who is almost falling asleep.

MARCY  I love being single. I'm at peace with myself, really. [unconvinced] Oh, God.


ACT TWO

SCENE NINE

 Mr. Blum is still trying to sweet talk Peggy.

BLUM   Bet you don't know what I've got in my pocket.

PEGGY  The rest of your belly?

BLUM   No... the key to the teacher's lounge. So, what say to you, me and a whole lotta carpet?

 Al is still making his speech, but he notices Blum's moves on Peggy.

AL     ...Well, [takes the microphone from the stand and walks across the stage] I can't say 
       that football is a metaphor for every aspect of life, there are similarities...
       [Al clubs Blum over the head with the microphone and Blum collapses] my wedding night, 
       [returns to center stage] for example...


ACT TWO

SCENE TEN

 It is now two minutes to ten o'clock.

AL     Shoes. No kind of life for a man...

 Bud is still dancing with Heather. He glances over to the clock.

McCOY  You know, I'm really glad I came here with you tonight. You're so decent, a gentleman.

BUD    Wearing deodorant too, [holds up his arm] wanna smell?

McCOY  That's all right. Listen, let's go someplace, okay?

BUD    Hmm, in a minute.

 Bud glances down to the large air vent that they are dancing on.

McCOY  I know! I owe you a skinny-dip. What do you say? [she bites her lip]

BUD    [speechless] An-aun-nin-niy. [looks down at the vent, then at Heather, and forgets all
       that Kelly told him] Let's go!

 They rush out of the hall.
 Marcy, alone, wanders over and stands on top of the air vent.

MARCY  Oh, what do I have to do to get someone to notice me?

 The giant fan starts and Marcy's dress is blown up. Everybody in the room laughs at her, except
 Al, who is revolted by the spectacle.


ACT TWO

SCENE ELEVEN

 More time passes and Al is still talking on stage.

AL     Now, the moment you've all been waiting for; the recount of my last game at Polk High: 
       It was a frosty evening in November...

 Peggy pushes Al out of the way and takes over.

PEGGY  No, no, no. Enough. [into the microphone] Hi, my name is Peggy, er, Smith, and I, like
       you, can't take this anymore. So now, I would like to introduce this years M.V.P.

 The curtains open to reveal Bud, wearing only a towel, trying to reach his underwear, that
 Heather has suspended over the stage. The M.V.P. is seated on stage, asleep. Heather leads a chant:

McCOY  BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY...
CROWD  BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY BUNDY...

 Al doesn't notice Bud, and he thinks the crowd is cheering for him.


ACT TWO

SCENE TWELVE

 The dance is over. Kelly walks into the empty hall.

KELLY  Bud, you can come out now. I have a present for you.

 Bud crawls out from behind a large potted plant. Kelly gives him his underwear.

BUD    Thanks, Kel. I can't believe she did this to me again. How am I gonna show my face in
       school?

KELLY  Like you always do: from behind a wall of Clearasil.

BUD    Aww gee, thanks, Sis, I'm so glad that when I'm feeling low you're always there to make 
       me feel like ooze.

KELLY  Oh, chill out, you little toadstool. Believe me, tomorrow at school, nobody's gonna be
       talking about you.

BUD    What do you mean?

KELLY  Just come to school early and bring a camera. Trust me. Heather and I had a little chat
       out in the hall, and we worked things out like ladies.


ACT TWO

SCENE THIRTEEN

 Heather is bound and gagged to the school lockers. There is a sign beside her that reads: 
 Don't Mess With A Bundy. Heather has a towel wrapped around her presumably naked body, it has a 
 rope attached to it and Buck is holding the other end of it in his mouth.
 Kelly enters and calls for Buck.

KELLY  Buck, come here, boy. Come here, boy.

 The school bell rings. Buck runs to Kelly, dragging the towel behind him, just as the school
 corridor fills with students.



THE END



Produced by  Ellen L. Fogle
             Marcy Vosburgh
             Sandy Sprung
Supervising Producers  Arthur Silver
                       Katherine Green
Executive Producers  Michael G. Moye
                     Ron Leavitt

Directed by  Gerry Cohen
Written by  Ellen L. Fogle
Created by  Ron Leavitt and Michael G. Moye
Co-Producer  Barbara Blachut Cramer
Story Editor  Kevin Curran
Casting  Tammara Billik C.S.A.
Executive in charge of Casting  Rick Jacobs
"Love And Marriage" lyrics by  Sammy Cahn and
                               Jimmy Van Heusen
Music Supervision  Michael Andreas
Production Designer  Don Roberts
Art Director  Richard Improta
Associate Director  Richard Draney
Stage Managers  Stephanie Scott
                Sal Baldomar
Production Associate  Kitty Rourke
Production Co-ordinator  Susan Jang
Edited by  Larry Harris
Technical Director  Sam W. Orender
Director of Photography  Thomas W. Markle
Audio  J. Mark King
Re-Recording  Marti D. Humphrey
              John Bickelhaupt
Production Staff  Rochelle E. Staten
                  Gabrielle Topping
                  Linda Ota
                  Deborah McCarthy
                  Wendy Wotherspoon
                  Ruthie Piper Hardee
                  Carl Studebaker
Costumes  Marti Masamitsu
Property Master  Michael Semon
Make-up  Nina Kent
Hair Stylist  Dottie McQuown
Dog Trainer  Steven Ritt
Production Supervised by  Fran McConnell
Production Consultants  Deborah Curtan
                        Eduardo Cervantes
In Charge of Production  Ed Lammi
Copyright 1990 ELP Communications