Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
David Garrison..........Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Buck....................Buck The Dog

Guest cast:

Kate Romero.............Midge
Don Sparks..............Santa Horowitz
Tim Eyster..............Franklin 
Ann Nelson..............Elderly Woman
Kristeen Buxton.........Denise
Thomas Ian Nicholas.....Bobby
Eve Smith...............Mom



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

"It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas" plays. We see the Bundy house exterior covered
with snow. Inside, Peggy, Kelly, Bud and Buck all look bored. Kelly is twirling her gum, Bud is
playing with straws that are stuck in his nose and Peggy is trying not to fall asleep. Buck has
a stuffed Christmas toy in his mouth. Al's car is heard driving up. The car door closes.

AL       [o.s.] Noo-ooohh.

PEGGY    Daddy's home.

Bud and Kelly grunt unenthusiastically.
Al enters.

AL       I hate Christmas. The mall is full of nothing but women and children. All you hear is "I
         want this!", "Get me this!", "I have to have this!"... and then there's the children.
         And they're all by my store 'cause they stuck the mall Santa right outside ringing his
         stupid bell. As if you need a bell to notice a 300-pound alcoholic in a red suit. "Ho,
         ho, ho," all day long. So, nice as can be, I go outside, ask him to shut the hell up. He 
         takes a swing at me. So I lay a hook into his fat belly and he goes down. Beard comes
         off, all the kids start crying and I'm the bad guy.

Al sits next to Peggy.

PEGGY    Aw, honey. I know what would make you feel better. But I'll never leave you, not in a
         million years. So, Al, what's the family plan for Christmas this year?

BUD      Five bowls a-flushing?

PEGGY    Four 'roids a-throbbing?

KELLY    Three nose hairs waving?

BUD      Two children starving?

PEGGY    [singing] One un-touched wife!

Peggy laughs.

AL       I guess this is what the mean when they say "chestnuts roasting on an open fire," hey,
         guys? Now look, I know last Christmas you didn't get what you want. I saw your sad
         little faces.

PEGGY    How? You weren't even home. You shot pool with your friends.

AL       Hey, your faces were still sad the next day. But this year it's going to be different.
         Who here knows what a Christmas Club is?

PEGGY    Oh, isn't that when morons put money in the bank to get two percent interest instead of
         the normal five?

Al gives Peggy a long look.

AL       Uh, yeah. Anyway, I've got one of these Christmas Club things and uh, was able to save a
         pretty penny this year. So, in addition to our annual Christmas feast at Denny's... this
         year we're getting presents.

The other three Bundys react enthusiastically.

PEGGY    Al, this isn't a joke is it? You know, like when we were dating and you said, "Stick
         with me, babe, I'm really going places"?

AL       Gee, I remember saying that; I just didn't think I said it to you. Oh, anyway. Christmas 
         is not the time for regrets, that's what anniversaries are for. Come on, let's all have
         a little Christmas Whoa Bundy.

They cheer "Whoa Bundy!"
The doorbell rings.

AL       That may be carollers; they may want something. Bud, hit the lights. Everybody down.

Al, Peggy and Kelly crouch on the floor. Bud turns off the lights and looks out the front door
window. 

BUD      It's Mr and Mrs Rhoades. Shall I fix us up a stink bomb?

KELLY    No. Let them in, they may have presents.

Bud turns the lights back on and open the door to Steve and Marcy. They all gleefully greet one
another with a hearty "Merry Christmas". As soon as Steve and Marcy step into the house, the 
Bundys frisk them for presents. When they don't find anything, they react with disgust and sit 
back down.

AL       Empty-handed.

Marcy looks at her hand.

MARCY    Okay, who's got my wedding ring?

One of the Bundys (Bud) throws her ring back to her.

MARCY    Thank you.

She puts her ring back on.

STEVE    Anyway, I just came over to say Merry Christmas, since I won't be here because of a
         previous commitment.

MARCY    Yes. He's spending Christmas with Mommy, you know.

The Bundys all "aww."

STEVE    Why can't you and Mother get along, Marcy?

MARCY    The woman hangs her coat on me.

STEVE    What about your mother and her little "Oops! Sorry, Steve, I didn't know you were in
         the shower."

Steve and Marcy look at each other sternly. Al smiles.

PEGGY    Marcy, you want some coffee?

MARCY    Sure.

AL       Hey, I want some coffee.

PEGGY    [standing] Oh, I'm sorry, honey. There's only enough for two. Kids, you want any?

Peggy, Marcy, Kelly and Bud go into the kitchen. Steve sits next to Al.

STEVE    Why are wives so jealous of the relationship between a man and his mother?

AL       Ah, they see someone who cares for you and it eats them up.

STEVE    Yep. My mom even left Marcy instructions on how to take care of me. Still, one week
         after we were married, guess who was washing his own hair?

A car horn is heard.

STEVE    Oh, that must be my taxi. Merry Christmas, honey. Come give me a kiss.

As Marcy runs over to Steve, his mother is heard calling out.

MOTHER   [o.s.] Come on, Steve!

STEVE    [immediately heading out the door] Coming, Mother!

Steve leaves without kissing Marcy goodbye.

MARCY    The man's mother came from Cincinnati to pick him up?

BUD      Boy, if Weenie Town ever needs a Mayor.

MARCY    Peggy, what am I gonna do? We were supposed to go to the party at my bank tomorrow. I
         can't go stag, what will people think?

AL       Marcy, let me give you some advice.

Al joins Marcy and Peggy in the kitchen.

AL       Don't spend time thinking about things you don't have. A good relationship, um... nice
         hair... good disposition, a woman's body. Think instead about the things you do have.
         And when you do, let me know 'cause I've drawn a total blank! Merry Christmas! [laughs]

PEGGY    Al! [puts her arm around Marcy] Aw. Christmas is no time to make fun of someone whose
         life is crumbling down around them. Do you know how many people with lives a lot better
         than hers commit suicide this time of year? [Marcy looks down] Now, you should say
         something nice to her, even if you don't mean it. [to Marcy] You look very nice, Marcy.
         [to Al] You see?

Al cringes and turns away.

PEGGY    [to Marcy] Now, I'll tell you what you should do. You should go to that party without
         Steve. Get wild, get crazy. Pretend you're single again. Dance on the tabletops, chase
         after men, rub your red hair up and down their chest like a feather duster, and then
         reach out and -

Peggy stops when she realises everyone is staring at her.

PEGGY    ... And say, "I'm married," and go home, like I would. [looks back at Al, laughing]

Peggy takes Marcy to the door.

MARCY    I guess you're right. I'll go the party but I won't have any fun. This'll be the worst
         Christmas I ever had. I'll wind up home alone, sitting the dark. That is, unless some
         friends invite me over?

Peggy shuts the door on a saddened Marcy.

PEGGY    Poor Marcy. I feel so bad for her. [getting immensely excited] So, Al, we're really
         gonna get presents???

The Bundy run into the living room.

AL       You betcha! Ha ha. I pick up the money tomorrow morning. Ah, this is gonna be the
         greatest Bundy Christmas ever. [laughs]

Carollers are heard singing "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" outside.

AL       Hit the lights!

Bud turns off the lights. The Bundys crouch down behind the sofa.

CAROLLER We know you're in there.

The Bundys crouch further down so they are completely hidden from view.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Al and Peggy's bedroom.
Al is lying in bed. Peggy is heard calling suggestively from the bathroom.

PEGGY    [o.s.] Oh, Al!

Peggy enters. She is wearing a red nightgown and has a huge green bow tied around her.

PEGGY    Come unwrap your Christmas present.

AL       [sitting up, excited] Where is it??

PEGGY    It's me, you feeb.

AL       Aw, Peg, how do you expect me to get excited when you just re-wrap the same old junk I
         didn't play with the year before?

PEGGY    [getting into bed] Oh, come on, Al. Thrill me as only you can. Show Mommy the Christmas
         club bankbook.

AL       Okay, but just this once...

Al opens the bankbook to show Peggy, who has small orgasm.

PEGGY    Again Al, again!

AL       Ah, it's never enough, is it?

PEGGY    Ohhh, you were fantastic. Let's cuddle. 

She puts Al's arm around herself and reacts to the smell of his armpit.

PEGGY    Ooh! Suppose a shower's out of the question, huh? I don't think deodorant is tough
         enough to handle this baby. I'll get the bug spray.

Peggy goes into the bathroom. 
Bud saunters into the room. He stops and does a cheesy fake smile. Al smiles back awkwardly.

BUD      Dad, I couldn't sleep. I sense you're on the horns of a dilemma. Now, to wit, you have
         two hundred and eighty dollars. But how do you split it up? Well, maybe I can help. You
         see I hate to tell you this, Dad, but uh, Kelly doesn't love you. Never has, never will. 

AL       [playing along] But you do, don't you, Son?

BUD      With all my heart and soul. But back to Kelly. Now how can we punish her? How? How? How?
         I know! I bet spending all the money on me and nothing on her will fix her little red
         wagon. So remember Dad, this year when you think Christmas - think Bud.

Bud kisses Al's forehead and leaves. Al sighs. A knock is heard.

AL       [without looking at the door] Come in, Kelly.

Kelly comes in.

KELLY    Hi, Daddy. Um, I just wanted to tell you I just got a call from the doctor and um, I'm
         dying. Yep, I've got Bulgaria. The doctor says that it's terminus.

AL       How much time do you have, Pumpkin?

KELLY    Well, I've got 'til Christmas morning. And the only known cure is a good present. You 
         know, in the 250 to 275 price range?

AL       Gee, then I wouldn't have any money to get Bud anything.

KELLY    I know. But it's not like he loves you or anything. I mean, when I think of all the
         times he's wished you dead... Oh well, I just wanted to tell you that, but whatever you
         decide is okay by me.

Kelly does a weak cough.
Bud slinks back into the room.

BUD      I thought I'd find you here. What are you doing?

KELLY    Loving Daddy. What are you doing here?

BUD      Saying "hi" to the man who gave me life and his name. Make way!

KELLY    No, he's my Daddy!

Kelly and Bud fights over Al, while leaning on Al.
Peggy comes back into the room.

PEGGY    What is going on here??

BUD      Kelly's trying to pretend she loves Daddy!

KELLY    Oh yeah? Well, Bud's trying to hog all of Daddy's money for himself.

PEGGY    Oh, that's it. Both of you, out of here. Daddy is not stupid enough to believe you 
         really love him. Now just stop your whining. Go on, get out! Daddy's getting us all
         presents. Go on!

Bud and Kelly leave. Kelly quickly kisses Al's hand and whacks Bud on the back before she does.
Peggy gets back into bed.

PEGGY    You know, if I were you, I wouldn't get them anything. Because I'm the only one who
         really loves you. Oh and by the way, Al, I just got a call from the doctor. I may be
         dying.

Al pulls the covers over his head.


SCENE TWO

The kitchen.

BUD      More toaster shake'uns, Kel?

KELLY    Please.

Bud shakes the crumbs from the toaster out onto two plates and gives one to Kelly. They sit and
eat their meal.
Peggy comes downstairs.

PEGGY    Daddy gone?

KELLY    Mom, it's noon.

PEGGY    Only noon? God, I just couldn't sleep from all the excitement. [chuckles]

Peggy opens a drawer and produces a big sticky bun of some sort. She begins to take a bite, but
stops and throws the food in the bin. Kelly and Bud look on pitifully.

PEGGY    Oh look, I can't even eat. I'm so excited. We're getting Christmas presents and on
         Christmas!

BUD      Well, Mom, I hate to put a damper on the festivities, but uh, since Dad's getting us
         presents, shouldn't we get him something?

PEGGY    God, never occurred to me. It takes the fun out of the whole thing.

KELLY    Well, I'm not spending any of my money. I've got expenses.

BUD      What, a new shipment of your favorite perfume come in, Kel? You know, Eau de Shore
         Leave?

KELLY    Go swim in your sheets.

PEGGY    Now kids, we said all this at Thanksgiving. What we've got to do is get Daddy some
         presents. And as my mom always said, the best presents are in Dad's closet!

KELLY    Well, I'm gonna give Daddy something that he's never used before: his toothbrush.

BUD      And I'll get him his underwear.

PEGGY    And as his wife, he deserves to get something special from me. I know, I'll get him his
         winter coat that Buck's been sleeping on.

They look at Buck, who is lying on Al's coat on the stairs.

PEGGY    This is gonna be the best Christmas ever!


SCENE THREE

The shoe store. The clock reads 2:30.
Al goes over to the store room. Outside, a mall Santa and some kids stop and look in at Al.

SANTA    There he is, kids. The man who hit Santa. Tonight we'll all come back and egg his
         windows.

KIDS     Yeah, Santa!

Santa makes a rude gesture at Al and they run off. Al opens the door and calls out after him.

AL       Anytime you want it, fat boy!

Al gets hit with a snowball. He goes back inside and checks his watch.

AL       The bank. I gotta get to Marcy's bank!

Al fetches his coat. Just as he leaves, and elderly woman enters the store.

AL       Oh, Ma'am, I'm sorry, we're closed. See, I've got to get to the bank by three o'clock.

WOMAN    We won't be but a minute. [calling] Hurry up, Mama!

And even older (and slower) woman enters the store.


SCENE FOUR

The clock now reads 2:50. Al is very anxious.

WOMAN    Fourteen ninety-five, you say?

AL       [hissing] Yes. Please hurry.

WOMAN    Well, Mama has the money.

Mom looks into her purse.

MOM      I don't have any money.

AL       Well, who has it??

Mom turns slowly and calls out.

MOM      Mom!

Al cringes.


SCENE FIVE

On screen text: Marcy's bank... 2:55. A pop version of "Deck the Halls" plays.
The bank is closed. The party is already in full swing. Everybody is dancing and drinking. Marcy,
wearing a Santa hat and holding a drink, is sitting atop an active photocopier. A man standing by 
grabs the pieces of paper as they come out. A hot babe is dancing on the table. Another man
carries a laughing woman over his shoulder. An elderly man chases an elderly woman around the
bank with a piece of mistletoe on a stick. Al appears at the door and finds he can't get in. He
bangs on the door a few times. The guard at the door indicates that is three o'clock. Al points
at his watch and mouths something. Al sees the hot dancer and presses him nose against the glass.
Marcy dances very drunkenly around the room. She spots Al and waves to him. Someone hands Marcy a 
drink. Marcy motions Al to wait for one moment. Al mouths "Oh, thank God." Marcy drinks, then
promptly passes out. Al bangs on the door again. The guard waves him off and presses a button.
The security shutter comes down and Al tries in vain to get attention. Marcy is still unconscious
on the floor.


SCENE SIX

Al, depressed, arrives back at the shoe store.

SANTA    There he is, guys.

Al looks up, alarmed.

AL       No!

Five Santas come and beat Al up repeatedly with their Christmas sacks, then run off. Al does his
best to stand up again. 

AL       Needed some help, hey Horowitz? I guess you're not Santa enough to face me alone.

SANTA    Remember, I know when you're sleeping.

AL       And I know when you've had beans!

Al makes his way into the store. The clock now reads 3:30. Two people armed with presents pass
the store. Al imagines his family talking.

FAMILY   [in Al's head] What did you get us for Christmas, Daddy?

AL       [in Al's head] Well, family, the bank was closed. I have no money for presents. You
         still love me though, right?

Al imagines a round of gun shots being fired. He sits down.
A woman named Midge and her son, Franklin, enter the store.

FRANKLIN I want toys!

MIDGE    Oh, just a minute, honey. Mommy just wants to get some shoes, okay?

FRANKLIN Toys! toys! toys!

MIDGE    [to Al] Oh, kids, you gotta love them.

FRANKLIN Toys!

MIDGE    Put a cork in it, demon!

Franklin shuts up.

MIDGE    Boy, what I wouldn't pay to get rid of him for an hour so I could shop in peace.

Al gets an idea.


FLIP TO:

SCENE SEVEN

A sign inside the store read "Uncle Al's Christmas Tot Lounge. You leave 'em, we love 'em."
A group of children, including Franklin and a girl named Denise, have been tied up with tinsel.
Al sits nearby counting the money he's earned. He hums "Winter Wonderland".

FRANKLIN Water.

AL       Shut up.

He continues humming and counting.

DENISE   You'll never get away with this.

AL       Oh won't I? You be quiet or I'll send you to the bathroom dungeon like lilt Bobby.

Al resumes humming and counting.

FRANKLIN Hey, Bundy, we want some entertainment.

AL       Okay, I'll tell you a nice Christmas story. Gather 'round Uncle Al. [the kids attempt to
         move, but can't] Alright, that's close enough. Alright, here we go:

         T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the house,
         no food was a stirring, not even a mouse. 
         Stockings were hung 'round dad's neck like a tie, 
         along with a note that said "presents or die". 
         Children were plotting all night in their beds, 
         while the wife's constant whining was splitting his head.
         But Daddy had money this year in the bank, 
         then they closed up early, now Dad's in the tank. 

         [a short time lapse] 

         ...and all of a sudden Santa appeared, 
         a sneer on his face, booze in his beard. 
         "Santa," I said as he laughed merrily, 
         "you do so much for others, do something for me." 
         "Bundy," he said, "you only sell shoes, 
         your son is a sneak-thief, your daughter's a flooze.
         Ho Ho," Santa said, "should I mention your wife? 
         Her hair's like an a-bomb, her nails like a knife."
         And he climbs up the chimney, that fat piece of dung, 
         he mooned me two times, he stuck out his tongue. 
         And I heard him exclaim, as he broke wind with glee: 
         "You're married with children, you'll never be free."

The kids look bewildered.

AL       Now, who wants to hear about the red-headed grinch who stole Uncle Al's life?

Bobby enters, with some parents.

BOBBY    There he is!

DENISE   He depressed us.

MIDGE    Oh, you beast!

The mothers start beating Al up with their handbags.


SCENE EIGHT

Now Al is tied up with tinsel. Midge gives the money back to the other mothers.

MIDGE    And here's your money back, and yours, and yours, and yours, and yours. Okay Franklin,
         say goodbye to Uncle Al.

Franklin kicks Al in the shin.

MIDGE    Oh, good boy!

She kisses Franklin and they leave.
An announcement comes over the mall's PA system.

PA       Attention shoppers, the mall is now closing so that our merchants can get home and be
         with their loving families. Thank you for shopping with us. Merry Christmas and good
         night.

Al, alone, hangs his head.


END OF PART ONE

TO BE CONTINUED...