Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
David Garrison..........Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Buck the Dog............Buck


No guest cast.



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

The Bundy's bedroom.
Al and Peggy are sitting in bed watching the rain outside. It is also thundering and lightning.
Peggy is spraying perfume on herself in hope of turning Al on.

AL      Boy, I love the rain. Have ever since I was a little boy. Dad used to say rain is the
        sound of Angels flushing. Goodnight, Peg.

PEGGY   Oh Allll...

Peggy walks her fingers up Al's arm and looks at him hopefully. Al cringes.

AL      Oh no, Peg, I'm tired.

PEGGY   Oh come on, honey, you don't have to be awake. Just the usual "I'm done how 'bout you?"
        will be fine.

Al doesn't say anything.

PEGGY   Oh, come on. Look. Let's compromise. [reaches over Al to get the alarm clock from his
        bedside table] I'll set the alarm clock for two. [she does so]  That way you can get a
        little rest, and I'll while away the time listening to your body ferment.

Peggy puts the clock back on his bedside table.

AL      Great, I'm the only guy in the world who has to wake up to have a nightmare. Goodnight,
        honey.

PEGGY   Goodnight. I'll see you at two.

She turns over and pulls the covers over her then Al creeps his arm over to the clock and turns
off the alarm. Then he is about to go to sleep then drops of water from the ceiling begin hitting 
him on the face. Al reacts and gets Peg's attention.

AL      Peg. Peg!

Peggy turns around.

AL      Peg, the roof's leaking, it's raining on the bed!

PEGGY   Well, it's nice and dry on my side, honey.

AL      You mean you'd switch with me Peg? 

PEGGY   No. Oh, come on, Al, let's do it! Show Mommy you can beat the lightning! 

She leans over him.

AL      I'm gonna fix the roof.

PEGGY   Now why would you go up there when you can stay here and fix me?

AL      Because when I'm done, the roof won't ask me to fix it again!

Al gets out of bed and leaves the room. Peggy sits up, straightens the covers, crosses her arms
and calls for the kids.

PEGGY   Bud! Kelly! 

Bud enters with a baseball bat, Kelly with a saucepan, thinking there may be a burglar.

BUD     What is it, Mom. Creditors?

KELLY   I'll go boil the water.

PEGGY   No, no, no, not this time. Now, sit down, kids.

Bud and Kelly sit on the bed.

PEGGY   Now, look. I know sometimes you feel you don't see enough of your dad, and he may be to
        busy to care for us. Well, get ready. 'Cause your father is about to do something that
        we'll never forget. And I want us all to enjoy it as a family. Now just look over at 
        that window, abooouuuuttt... NOW!

At that moment, Al falls off the roof, yelling as he does so. Peggy, Kelly and Bud applaud him.

PEGGY   OK, kids, back to bed.

BUD     Oh. Thanks, Mom. Tell Dad he was cool.

KELLY   Yeah.

The kids start to leave but stop in the doorway

KELLY   You know, I'm going to do something special for him. I'm going to give him back his
        wallet.

BUD     But not the cash...

KELLY   We didn't see him land!

They leave.
Downstairs, Al is heard moaning "ow". Peggy gets her perfume, sprays it on herself, then takes
the top off and tips it out all over Al's side of the bed. She then grabs the clock and resets
the alarm.

PEGGY   One fifty-seven.

She turns the alarm on and waits.
Al comes back in and takes off his raincoat, holding his head in pain.

PEGGY   Oh, honey, you fell.

AL      Yes, Cupcake. I fell. 

Al climbs into bed. Peggy makes a kissy face at him.

AL      But obviously not far enough.

PEGGY   Poor baby. You must be hurt. Why don't you go to sleep now?

Al and Peggy lie back. Al sighs with relief then the alarm goes off Al looks up in horror, Peggy
sits up all happy. Al turns off the alarm.

PEGGY   Well, I'll be darned. Is it two already??

Peggy lies flat on her back.

PEGGY   All aboard!!

Al just stares at her.


SCENE TWO

The living room.
Peggy, Bud and Kelly are standing at the backdoor. It is still raining. Peggy walks over to the
couch.

PEGGY   Boy, look at that rain come down. Not fit for man or beast.

She sits on the couch. Al comes down the stairs wearing his raincoat and a tool belt, ready to go 
back on the roof again.

AL      Alright! Who's going up with me? Besides Bud.

Bud stares at him.

BUD     Dad, if you really want someone to go up one the roof with you, they'd have to be a total
        moron.

Bud sits on the couch.

KELLY   Oh no, I'm not going up there.

PEGGY   Al, be sensible. Just call a professional roofer.

AL      There. Right there, Peg, is the problem with America. We've lost our spirit for self
        reliance. Something's leaking - call someone. Something's broken - call someone. One of
        the kids suffers a ruptured appendix - call someone. Whatever happened to the old
        American spirit of "I can fix it myself." Whatever happened to rugged American manhood?

BUD     We don't know yet, Dad, Kelly's tests aren't back from the lab.

KELLY   Chew Dad's sock.

BUD     Eat Mom's food!

AL      You're missing the point here! I want to inspire you guys to great heights! Bud, you
        could be a doctor or a lawyer. Kelly... [looks at her] you could...  button your own
        coat! I want you to see what one Bundy can accomplish. I want you to say "There's no 
        task Daddy can't do!"

PEGGY   Then they better not ask me!

AL      Dent a cushion, Peg. Anyhow, guys. Bundy men have always been masters of their fate.
        Remember Grandpa Bundy? He sure knew his way around a tool box. There was a fixin' man!

BUD     You mean Grandpa Hook?

AL      Well, circular saws were new back then! But damnit, he carved his own hook afterwards; 
        he carried on. Let's see him calling someone.

PEGGY   Well, it would've been difficult for him to hold the phone. You know, he only had one
        finger left on his other hand, after that mix up with the nail gun.

AL      One finger is all a real American needs. Scoff if you will! But Grandpa Hook's blood 
        runs in my veins. I will fix this roof and show you all that Daddy can do it.

Al goes outside.

KELLY   Does this mean that Daddy's too cheap to call a roofer?

PEGGY   Now honey, let's give your father some credit. He may just be too stupid. Now we all know 
        Daddy's going to fall. You know what you have to do.

KELLY   Get the camera.
BUD     Get the camera.

PEGGY   No. We actually have enough pictures of Daddy on the floor in the wedding album. Go get
        the old wading pool out of the garage. Paint "Here comes Stupid" on the bottom of it, 
        and hold it under him.

BUD     Well, that pool's kinda old, won't Dad just fall right through it?

KELLY   We'll just hold it closer to the ground. God, you're a moron!

She gets up and walks away.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Peggy is on the couch, looking at some stuff. Bud and Kelly are in raincoats holding the wading
pool outside, ready to catch Al if he falls. Marcy enters with an umbrella and a plastic bag.

MARCY   Peggy? You won't believe the good news. Steve just called. He finally got a job. He
        sounded very excited.

PEGGY   Well what's he going to be doing?

MARCY   I don't know, but I bet it's big! He sounded like the old Steve on the phone. Confident,
        proud, money-grubbing. Oh, I can't wait to see him. His tie swinging erectly in the wind. 
        His taut buttocks yearning to break free from their Gabardine bonds... Peggy, I finally
        have my Steve back! So here, I'm returning your shower massage.

Marcy hands Peggy the plastic bag.

PEGGY   Oh. If only it could take out the garbage, huh?

Steve enters with a shoebox over his head, wet from the rain.

STEVE   Oh, hello, Marcy, I'm glad you're here.

Marcy runs over to him and hugs him.

MARCY   Bring that second income to Mommy! How much are you making?

STEVE   Now, Marcy, it's not how much you make, it's how meaningful the work is to you.

Marcy stops hugging him.

MARCY   Sure it is. How much?

She hugs him again.

STEVE   Well, actually, [somewhat proudly] I'm making 3 dollars and 40 cents an hour!

Marcy stops hugging Steve.

MARCY   What do yo do? Dance in the park in your underwear?

STEVE   You happen to be looking at the new pet handler and executive cage cleaner at Slithers!
        America's fifth largest exotic pet emporium.

Peggy offers the shower massage back to Marcy.

PEGGY   AHEM. I guess you'll be wanting this back.

STEVE   Oh Marcy, it's the greatest job in the world! And I brought home a little friend.
        Iiiittt's Scoopie!

Steve opens the shoebox. Marcy looks in it and cringes.

STEVE   Now, Scoopie is a Peruvian Devil Gerbil. But don't let the name fool you, he really is
        quite harmless. Only the female of the species is actually poisonous.

Steve walks over to the couch and sits on it, and Peggy looks in the box.

PEGGY   Oh, isn't he cute! Bud, Kelly! Come see this!

Bud and Kelly drop the pool and come inside, removing their hoods. Al then screams and falls off
the roof and crash lands on the pool. Bud and Kelly take no notice.

BUD     What is that, Mom?

KELLY   Oh cool, food!

BUD     I'll get the mayo!

STEVE   Hey hey hey hey. This is not food, you druids! This is love on paws. Look.

Bud and Kelly poke Scoopie.

PEGGY   You must be very proud, Marcy.

MARCY   Proud as punch! Why, Steve, this is just the beginning. With hard work and study, you 
        can actually work your way up to cleaning up the doodie of even bigger animals. Maybe
        even people!

STEVE   Now, come on, Marcy. Just let him rest on your shoulder. Bond with him!

Steve puts a small fluffy white thing on Marcy's shoulder and it falls down her back. Marcy 
moves to the other side of the room, twitching as she does so.

MARCY   Eugh, Steve, he's crawling down my blouse! He's biting me!!

STEVE   Oh Marcy, if he's biting you, it'd be a lot more painful, you'd be screaming and
        everything.

Marcy screams at the top of her lungs and sprints outside; Steve opens the door for her.

MARCY   YYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

STEVE   Marcy, he's just playing! DON'T ROLL ON THE LAWN, YOU'LL HURT HIM!!!

Steve runs out after her. Peggy gets up and runs to the door.

PEGGY   Oh, poor Marcy!

Al comes crawling in from outside.

AL      Help me!

PEGGY   Oh, I wish there was something we could do for her, I hate to see people in pain.

AL      I'm dying!

PEGGY   Al, you're tracking mud on the carpet.

Peggy sits back on the couch and Al stumblingly gets up.

AL      Well, it's not all mud. Some of it's colon!

KELLY   So, did you fix the roof, Daddy?

AL      No, Pumpkin, I didn't. When I got up there, I saw this hole, but I figured it'd be more
        fun to take a header off the roof into the yard. Of course I fixed it! I said I'll fix 
        it and I fixed it! So I guess we all know what Daddy can do now!

The roof over which Al is standing starts to leak. Al cringes and mouths "Oh no".
  
BUD     Loser no more, eh, Dad? Can we call a roofer now?

AL      No we can't. I'm going back up there. But this I'm going up with the right equipment.

PEGGY   A Wile E. Coyote mask?

AL      No, my love. The thing to do is to have the right shoe.

KELLY   And the left one too, Dad.

AL      Thank you, honey. Now, damnit, I said I'd fix this roof, and fix it I will! This is one
        man against nature and that man happens to be Al Bundy. And as God as my witness, I 
        shall never be wet again!


SCENE TWO

The bedroom.
There are 5 bowls and buckets with water dripping into them. Al and Peg are sitting up in bed, 
Al with a frying on his head because of another leak. Peggy is going along with the 'tune' that 
the raindrops are making. She starts singing.

PEGGY   [singing] I got sunshine. On a cloudy day. When it's cold outside - 

AL      Shut up, Peg.

PEGGY   How many holes did you put on the roof by walking on it in spiked golf shoes? [Al makes 
        a face] Oh, and honey, this time on your way down, you took out our TV antenna!

AL      Sorry, Peg, but I needed something to break my fall. Since there was no live wire or 
        your neck handy, I grabbed the first thing that hit my face.

PEGGY   Now our reception is shot to hell.

AL      Well, I'm sorry, Peg.

Al throws out the water in the frying pan onto the floor.

AL      Had I known you wanted to watch Dallas tonight, I would've just put my hands behind my
        back and slalom head first under the patio.

PEGGY   Are you ready to give up yet?

AL      I am not! Just so happens I have three unbroken bones left. I'll see y'all, I'll see
        y'all drown before I quit. Goodnight, Peg.

PEGGY   Goodnight, honey. Turn out the light.

Peggy turns over to her and Al reaches out to turn out the light and gets electrocuted. He
becomes unconscious. Peggy doesn't notice.

PEGGY   Oh, and be careful, Al. [smells the air] God, it smells like ham in here!


SCENE THREE

The living room. There are buckets everywhere.
Peggy is sitting at the kitchen table with an umbrella over her head so she doesn't get rained
on. She has a glass in her hand, so she moves aside and holds the empty glass under some rain
drops to fill it up. Bud and Kelly are sitting on the couch. Bud is wearing sunglasses. He 
laughs and points at the TV. 

KELLY   Bud, what are you laughing at? There's nothing but snow on the TV.

BUD     Gee, looks great to me! Too bad you don't have the special TV Reception Adaptor Glasses
        like I do.

KELLY   Well, I wanna see TV too.

BUD     You can't. I've only got one pair. [sneakingly] Would you ah, like to buy mine?

KELLY   How much?

BUD     For you... twenty bucks.

KELLY   I don't trust you.

BUD     Fine. Hey! The new Guns N' Roses video is coming on! Does Axl ever wear a shirt?

Kelly can't stand it any longer so she gets 20 dollars from her pocket and gives it to Bud.

KELLY   Gimme. Aha!

She takes the glasses and puts them on, looks at the TV and her smile fades.

KELLY   Hey, I don't see anything!

BUD     Oh great, you broke them. Now neither of us can watch TV.

Bud shakes out his money slyly and goes upstairs. Kelly compares looking at the TV with and
without the glasses.

KELLY   Hey, Mom, I broke my reception glasses.

PEGGY   Well, be more careful next time.

KELLY   Can't we call someone who can fix the roof and the TV?

Peggy stands and folds up the umbrella.

PEGGY   Oh honey. Your Dad wants to take one more shot at it. And if I stopped your father every
        time he failed, we never would've had you or Bud!

Al comes down the stairs dressed in his football protective gear, a rubber tire around his waist
and has suction caps on the bottoms of his feet. He looks ridiculous.

AL      I'm ready. What do you think of Daddy now?

PEGGY   Gee Al, you built a Moron-on-the-Roof suit.

AL      Good luck, you say? Don't need it. I'm cushioned by your love. I will now proceed to fix
        the roof AND the TV! And prove once again, that with intelligence and vision one man
        alone can face any challenge. [he tries to move his feet, but is now firmly stuck to the
        floor] Now, if someone would just rock me to break the suction, I'll be on my way. 

Peggy rocks him and the suction breaks. Al stomps over to the back door and goes outside.

PEGGY   [to Kelly] I think "wow" just about covers it.

Steve enters, soaked from the rain.

STEVE   Ah Peggy. Marcy had a little reaction to the Peruvian Devil Gerbil bite. By the way, I
        goofed, I took home the poisonous one. But that's spilt milk. Anyway, she's a little self 
        conscious. Could you just reassure her she looks perfectly okay? [calls outside] Come
        show Peggy, honey.

Marcy enters holding an umbrella. She has a enormous lump on her back and her eyes are squinting
and blinking. And she is trembling. Peggy can't believe it.

STEVE  Now, I ask you. Is there any reason this woman should not go to work?

Peggy doesn't know what to say.

PEGGY   Ah, gee, Marcy, you look... fine. Very natural. What do you think, Kelly?

KELLY   I don't know, I've never really looked at her before.

MARCY   I have a hump, you bimbo!

KELLY   Didn't you always?

Marcy starts to advance on Kelly but Steve restrains her.

STEVE   Marcy, why don't we get to the real reason you're angry here? It's not that awful,
        disgusting, pus-filled hump at all! It's your small spirit. You're just jealous because
        I'm pursuing my dream. 

MARCY   What dream would that be, Steve? To have a wife named Igor?

Al falls off the roof again, along with the ladder, outside the back door.

MARCY   What was that!?

PEGGY   Oh, pay no attention, that's just Al falling off the roof. but I'm really concerned about
        the two of you. [Al gets up and waves his fist at the roof] I mean, there's no reason for 
        a hunchback and a doodie scooper to fight! Now, aren't you ashamed?

Steve and Marcy hang their heads.

MARCY   I'm sorry, Steve. Let's go home and cuddle.

STEVE   After you, my love.

Steve hands her the umbrella and Marcy leaves. Steve waits, then walks out after her, hunchback
like. Peggy closes the door and sits on the couch. Bud comes downstairs.

BUD     Hey, Mom, should we be worried that Daddy's up there with metal tools in a lightning
        storm? 

PEGGY   Well, who wants to go tell him?

BUD     Well, I'd catch a cold! No.
KELLY   My hair will get all messed up...

PEGGY   Then I'll hear no more about it.

KELLY   Mom, why can't we call a roofer? I mean, if it gets any wetter here, the whole house is
        gonna look like Bud's bed.

Peggy looks up at the roof.

PEGGY   Hey, wait a minute, kids. It's stopped leaking!

BUD     You mean, Dad actually did it?

He runs to the back door.

BUD     Hey, Dad! The roof's stopped leaking!

AL      [o.s.] Was there ever any doubt??

PEGGY   [with the remote in her hand] Honey! Don't forget to fix the antenna!

AL      [o.s.] No problem! Daddy can do it! ... How is it?

PEGGY   Still fuzzy!

AL      [o.s.] How about now?

PEGGY   Oh, it's better! Keep doing what you're doing!

AL      [o.s.] How about NOW-HOW-HOW-OW-OW!!!

Al is all tangled up in the antenna and comes crashing down, but is left dangling outside the
backdoor. The others don't notice him.

PEGGY   It's perfect, Al!! Oh, you know, kids, we ridiculed him and made fun of him...

AL      HELP ME!

PEGGY   But you know, this time we have to admit: Daddy did it.

AL      Help! Help me.

Bud puts arm around Peggy and the three of them watch TV happily while Al is still left dangling
outside in the rain.


THE END



EXECTUTIVE PRODUCERS: RON LEAVITT & MICHAEL G. MOYE
DIRECTED BY: GERRY COHEN
 WRITTEN BY: KEVIN CURRAN
 CREATED BY: MICHAEL G. MOYE & RON LEAVITT
CO-PRODUCED BY: BABARA BLACHUT CRAMER
CASTING BY: TAMMARA BILLIK, C.S.A.
EXECTUTIVE IN CHARGE OF CASTING: RICK JACOBS
"LOVE AND MARRIAGE" LYRICS & MUSIC BY SMMY CAHN & JIMMY VAN HEUSEN
MUSIC SUPERVISION: MICHAEL ANDREAS
PRODUCTION DESIGNER: DON ROBERTS
ART DIRECTOR: RICHARD IMPROTA
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR: RICHARD DRANEY
STAGE MANAGERS: STEPHANIE SCOTT & SAL BALDAMAR
PRODUCTION ASSISTANT:KITTY ROUKE
PRODUCTION COORDINATOR: SUSAN JANG
EDITED BY: LARRY HARRIS
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR: SAM W. ORENDER
DIRECTOR OF PHOTGRAPHY: THOMAS W. MARKLE
AUDIO: LAURA OSBORNE
RERECORDING: MARTI D. HUMPHREY
COSTUMES: MARTI MASAMITSO
PROPERTY MASTER: MICHAEL SEMON
HAIR: DOTTIE McQUOWN
MAKE-UP: NINA KENT
DOG TRAINER: STEVEN RITT
PRODUCTION SUPERVISED BY: FRAN McCONNEL
PRODUCTION CONSULTANTS: DEBROAH CURTAN & EDUARDO CERVANTES
COPYRIGHT (C) 1989
ELP Communications is the author of this film/motion picture for purchases of Article
15(2) to the Berne Convention and all national laws giving effect thereto.
COLUMBIA PICTURES TELEVISION
a unit of Columbia Pictures Entertainment, Inc.