Regular cast:

Ed O'Neill.................Al Bundy
Katey Sagal................Peggy Bundy
David Garrison.............Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse..............Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate........Kelly Bundy
David Faustino.............Bud Bundy
Buck (or Mike) the Dog.....Buck 

 Guest cast:

Norris.....................Frank Lloyd
Courtney...................Jennifer Banko
TV news anchor.............Lisa Moss
Reporter...................Matt McKenzie
Bartender..................Michael Francis Clarke
Chelsea....................Trudy Adams




ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

 Al arrives home from work and digs around in his pocket for the door key.

AL     I work in a shoe store and still I'm not happy to come home.

 A little girl, Courtney, in a scout outfit comes up to him. She is carrying boxes of cookies.

CORTNY Mr. Bundy, wanna buy some chipmunk cookies?

AL     No. Go away.

CORTNY You can't tell me you're not hungry. My Daddy says you eat bugs and dirt.

AL     Well, you go home and tell your Daddy, you have the mailman's eyes.

 Courtney holds up a box of cookies.

CORTNY [enticingly] It's food.

AL     All right. Gimme a box of these macaroons.

 Al takes the box of macaroons, but Courtney snatches it back from him.

CORTNY Cash only, deadbeat.

AL     I don't have any cash. Gimme some credit?

CORTNY Eat a bug!

 Courtney leaves.

AL     Wet a bed.

 Al sighs and goes into the house.

AL     Ah, jeez.

 Al sees a note taped to the closet door.

AL     [reading] "Dear Al, you always complain there's no dinner. Surprise. I left it on the
       table for you."
       
 Al goes over to the table. Buck is sitting on the table eating Al's dinner.

AL     You ate my dinner! You bag of fleas and ticks. I'm starving!

 Al stares at Buck, and imagines him turning into a turkey on a platter. Al sits down at the
 table and is about to pour ketchup over Buck, when Peggy, Steve, Kelly and Bud enter.
 Steve is wearing a t-shirt that reads; "What's Gnu at the Chicago Zoo?"

PEGGY  Hi, honey. Oh Al, we had such a great day. Steve took us all to the zoo. And Al, it was
       the best time to go. No lines or anything, 'cause, you know, during the day all the idiots
       who have jobs can't go.

 They point and laugh at Al.

BUD    Dad, you'll never guess what we saw at the zoo today with Uncle Steve.

AL     A family of vultures pecking the flesh of the daddy?

KELLY  No. A big gorilla, big as you, scratching himself.

PEGGY  Yeah, and he had one hand where his pants would be, and in his other hand, you know how
       you hold your beer? Well, he was holding something. I think it was doody. [suspiciously]
       Where were you around three o'clock today?

 They point and laugh at Al again.

KELLY  You know, my favorite part was the penguin cage. It really makes you think. There but for
       the flippers, go I.

BUD    Well, the flippers and a breakaway bra.

KELLY  You know, you should be nice to me. If I hadn't told the guard that you were with us,
       you'd be riding a unicycle and clapping for fish right about now.

 Kelly and Bud go upstairs.
 The doorbell rings.

STEVE  Oh my God. I bet that's Marcy. I was supposed to be out looking for a job today. If she
       smells fun on me I'm a dead man. [Steve grabs his suit jacket and tie out of his gym bag
       and rushes out the back door] Stall her!

PEGGY  Pretty pathetic, huh? You know, I don't think Steve has what it takes not to work. He
       almost seems ashamed of it. I'll tell you what, if I ever get like that... shoot me.

AL     In case I'm not here when that happens, can I just wing you now?

 Peggy opens the door to Marcy.

PEGGY  Oh, hi, Marcy. I went to the zoo today with the kids and nobody else. How was your day?

MARCY  Superb. Since I got demoted to Drive-Up-Teller, everything is just so much more exciting.
       It's a people job. They drive up to my window, order a cheeseburger, spit at me and drive
       away. But they're not all like that. Some of them actually try to pull my hand through the 
       chute before they spit at me and drive away. So between that and the cheery "Hurry up, you 
       stupid moo cow", the fifty hour work week just seems to zoom by.

AL     Don't let them bother you, Marcy; ignore them, chew your cud and hold your horns up high.

MARCY  Excuse me, but did a pig just burp in here? Oh well. Here I am feeling sorry for myself
       when my poor Steve has been out looking for work all day long. He must be exhausted. You
       know, he's been coming home even more tired than I am.

Marcy doesn't notice Steve as he hops past the patio door, while he is changing his clothes.

MARCY  Have you seen him?

PEGGY  Well, he was nowhere near the zoo.

AL     Don't look at me. I'm blind from hunger.

 Steve bursts in, wearing his suit.

STEVE  Oh, boy, what a day. Oh, Marcy. I didn't expect to see you here. [Steve and Marcy kiss]
       Oh Damn! I wish I could have been home in time to cook you dinner. I'm such a failure.

 Steve looks down and Marcy reassures him.

MARCY  Oh, no, honey. It's OK. Did you find anything today, Angel Heart?

STEVE  Oh no, not from lack of trying. I've heard it all. Too old, too young, too handsome.

AL     Put your feet up, folks. It's getting pretty deep in here.

 Peggy shushes him.

MARCY  Oh. Well, come on home, Steve. I'll rub your feet for you. They must be tired from 
       walking all day.

 Steve feins hobbling and winces.

STEVE  Oh, but, dear. You worked so hard. But... OK.

 Kelly calls to Steve from the top of the stairs.

KELLY  Hey Mr. Rhoades! Before you go, I have a zoo question for you. When you were riding the
       little train around Bear Land today, were there any real live teddy bears like Bud said,
       or did they live someplace else like I think?
 
 Steve gives Kelly a look. Marcy glares at Steve.

STEVE  Marcy, I can't go on keeping secrets from you. I was at the zoo today and I really didn't
       look for anything.

 Steve looks down ashamed.

MARCY  Well, good, Steve... Tonight when we're in bed together, don't look for anything there
       either.

STEVE  Well then, I guess you won't take this well either... I've been thinking, I don't really
       want to work. It's boring. I'm having fun not working. Peggy says...

MARCY  Well, Marcy says, you're working, leech man! Now, on the slim chance you weren't gonna do
       squat today, which you didn't, I called your former boss on my lunch six minutes and he
       agreed to see you. So if you could put on a clean suit, brush those teeth, and put on some
       cologne to cover up that wombat smell, he'll see you tomorrow afternoon. I will meet you 
       there to make sure you say "I'll take it" to any menial job that's tossed your way.

STEVE  I'm afraid tomorrow doesn't work for me. I told Peggy and the kids I'd take them to the
       Aquarium.

MARCY  Well, dear, I'm afraid you'd be rather uncomfortable at the Aquarium with my foot lodged
       where Mommy used to put the thermometer!

 Marcy and Steve leave.

AL     Y'know, Peg. Seeing Marcy take charge like that reminds me of what a real man should be.
       So I'm putting my foot down. Tomorrow, when I come home, I want my slippers, I want my
       paper - before Buck, I want my dinner, again, before Buck. I am the Marcy of this house. 
       I have spoken, so it is written, so it shall be done.



ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

 The next day.
 Al is in the kitchen, reading the cooking insructions from a can.

AL     [reads] "Place Cheese Critters in water and watch 'em grow. Keep out of reach of
       children."

 Al shrugs and pours the Cheese Critters into his mouth. He then drinks a glass of water.
 Peggy, Steve, Kelly and Bud enter. Steve is wearing a t-shirt that reads "I'd walk a mile to
 kiss a reptile". Bud has a carrier bag that reads "Personal Belongings".
 They go over to the couch and sit down.

PEGGY  [to Al] Oh hi, honey. You should have been with us today. We had a great time.

KELLY  Yeah. We fed a shark a hamburger and then I gave a french fry to this guppy, and he
       exploded.

BUD    And Dad, they had those great hotdogs you like so much. Mom put one on each side of her
       mouth and pretended like she was a walrus.

AL     Does anyone care that I haven't eaten in days?

They mutter uncaringly.

AL     You look a little down, Steve. What's wrong? The choo-choo through Toyland shut down?

STEVE  Worse than that, Al. It's Bosco.

AL     You have some Bosco? Well, let me spit in a glass and we'll mix it up.

STEVE  No, I mean Bosco, the rare Caribbean Pigmy Sea Turtle at the Aquarium. He looked really
       despondent today.

AL     Was he selling shoes to the other turtles?

STEVE  No. They had him in an itty bitty tank. He must weigh two hundred pounds. He was as out 
       of place in that tank as you would be in a library. Like a trooper, he kept his beak up,
       but I could tell he was just a shell of a turtle.

PEGGY  You should have seen them, Al. Both of their little noses pressed up against the glass.
       You could barely tell them apart.

AL     No, the turtle is the one with the job.

STEVE  Oh, that's right. I was supposed to meet Marcy at my old bank today.

BUD    Oh, man. Mrs. Rhoades is gonna gut you like a fish.

STEVE  Hey, I can handle Mrs. Rhoades. I'll just give her what she's been begging for all week -
       my famous chocolate souffle. Yeah it takes a good two hours, but a man's gotta do what a
       man's gotta do.

 Steve switches on the TV and we see a reporter standing outside Marcy's bank.

REPORT A drug crazed gunman attempted to rob the Leading Bank Of Chicago this afternoon. His
       attempt was foiled by a feisty local woman, Marcy Rhoades, whom he tried to seize as a
       hostage. But he picked the wrong woman, [to Marcy] didn't he, Mrs. Rhoades? Is that
       gunshot wound through your hand bothering you?

 Marcy's hand is heavily bandaged and supported.

MARCY  Not really, Waldo. What's really bothering me is my husband is a screw-up. [to camera] 
       You went to the zoo again today, didn't you, Steve!?

 Bundy living room.

AL     That souffle better be damn fluffy.

 Outside the bank.

REPORT Exactly how did you apprehend the criminal?

MARCY  Well, when the robber jammed his gun in my stomach, I did what I felt I had to do. I threw 
       up on the floor. As he slipped on it, he knocked himself out, but the gun went off and
       shot me in the hand, horribly wounding me. But enough about me. [to camera] How was your
       day, Steve?!

 Bundy living room. Steve grabs the remote control and switches off the TV.

STEVE  Well, I guess I'll go home, get my stuff, and head for the Y. [Steve goes to the front
       door, opens it and turns back around into the room] Listen, if she comes over here, you
       haven't seen me...
       [Marcy appears in the doorway behind him] Tell her I'm out looking for a job. She'll buy
       it. After all, she's probably loaded full of pain killers. Tee hee.
       [Steve turns to leave and comes face to face with Marcy] Uh, hi, Marcy. I was just er...
       out looking for a job. So what's up?

MARCY  [holding up her injured hand] See this hand, Steve?

 Steve looks at Marcy's hand.

STEVE  Yeah.

MARCY  See this one?

 Marcy punches Steve with her un-injured right hand. Steve falls unconscious behind the couch.
 Bud looks at Steve, over the back of the couch.

BUD    Gee this kind of puts the kibosh on the sailboat trip tomorrow, doesn't it?



ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

 Marcy and Al are sitting at a table in a working man's bar.

MARCY  Thanks for bringing me here, Al. I'm sorry you had to see me like that. I usually pride
       myself on being a lady at all times. [to bartender] Hey, Lardbutt! A coupla brewskies 
       over here!

AL     Hey, guys. A toast. To the working man. The last American hero. Right, guys?

 The guys and Marcy raise their glasses.

GUYS   Right!

AL     We work to make a living and what do we get?

GUYS   Squat!

AL     And what else?

GUYS   Nothing!

AL     And why do we go on?

GUYS   We're stupid!

AL     A toast. To the stupid working man.

 They all raise their glasses again.

GUYS   To us!

MARCY  You know what really frosts my weenie? After you marry 'em they don't care how they look.
       Don't even shave! Right, guys?

GUYS   [mumbling] Uh... yeah. Right.

NORRIS Well, I can't complain. At least I live with one who has a job, makes me dinner, and
       doesn't mind rubbing my feet after a hard day.

AL     Yeah, but your mom's getting kind of old. Besides, moms aren't really women. I'm talking
       about the things you marry. I mean, you come... [Al puts down Macy's injured hand so he
       can talk to her properly] I mean, when you come crawling home after a hard day, what do
       they want?

GUYS   [derisively] Lovin'.

AL     They don't understand it's just more work for us. I mean the last thing a guy wants to
       look at the end of a day is a woman.

 A hooker, named Chelsea, walks passed.

NORRIS Hey, look at that one!

 The guys leer, hoot and catcall. The guys get up to follow her. Marcy stops Al.

MARCY  Hey Al! Y'know what else ticks me off? It's the way they change. I mean, when I first
       married Steve, he was a greedy materialistic pig. He'd step on an old lady for a dollar.
       [giggles] God, how he excited me. Now he's just another man with seahorses on his boxer
       shorts. Oh, Al. What if Steve never works again?

AL     Lock yourself in the bathroom and don't have kids. [to everyone] Hey guys... KIDS!

 The response to Al's call is met with boos and mumbles from the guys.

AL     [to Marcy] Case in point. See that old man in the corner there? [Al refers to Neil
       Cockran, whom appears to be about 100 years old] Neil Cockran, eight kids. He's thirty
       years old.

MARCY  Steve and I talked about having children. God, can you imagine that life? You, the only
       working parent, a couple of kids chained to your wallet. Ugh, I'd rather have a knife
       plunged in my throat. [Marcy looks at Al and touches his hand] Sorry.
       Well, I guess what's really bothering me here about Steve is that not only are we not
       talking, but this is the first time in our relationship I've kept secrets from him. I
       mean, I'm keeping something from him right now, even though I know it's wrong. [Marcy
       holds Al's hand] Oh Al, Maybe you can help me handle this?

 Al takes his hand away from Marcy's grasp.

AL     Wait a minute here, Marce. I know you look at me and just see "hunk", but... you're not
       the first to try to bag the big one. But it can never be. I belong to another, and more
       importantly, I find you physically repulsive.

MARCY  I don't want you, you shaved ape.

AL     Hey, no need to get personal, chicken legs.

MARCY  Anyhow, remember when I sorta caught that bank robber? What I didn't tell Steve was that
       they sorta gave me a little reward.

AL     How much?

MARCY  Twenty-five thousand dollars.

AL     Hey, barkeep! A whiskey for the lady, and a deck of cards for me.



ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

 Peggy and Steve are sitting on the couch. Steve is holding an icepack to his mouth.

STEVE  Boy, it was really scary being unconscious. The things you imagine. I thought two little
       leprechauns and a red headed giant were going through my pockets. [Peggy looks guilty] 
       And then a woman with a moustache gave me a big French kiss.

PEGGY  That was Buck. He thought your tongue was his chew rag.

STEVE  Well, I can't go through life getting knocked out. I guess there's no way around it, 
       Marcy wants me to get a job. I guess I'll have to get a job.

PEGGY  Oh, forget about Marcy for a moment. What do you want to do?

STEVE  I want to be a cowboy!

PEGGY  Well, let's just say, that all the cowboy jobs were taken by men. What's your second
       choice?

STEVE  Well, I was hoping to do something special. Something that's been on my mind all day,
       [Steve holds Peggy's hand] but I don't have the nerve.

PEGGY  Oh, Steve. I know you look at me and just see "man candy", but it can never be. First, I
       belong to another and second... [laughs] you couldn't handle the ride.

 Steve contemplates Peggy's comment.

STEVE  I can't even handle the thought. Oh, forget it. Who cares what I want?

PEGGY  Well, I care, Steve. Look, tomorrow, you gotta go out and get some stinking job you'll be
       saddled with just to please Marcy. [pauses for thought] You really don't want me? Oh,
       well, anyway before you do, you owe it to yourself to do something to please you.

STEVE  Peggy, you're right. And I'm gonna do it. Wish me luck.

PEGGY  Good luck. 

 Steve leaves.

PEGGY  Ahh, he wants me.



ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

 Later, back at the working men's bar, Al and Marcy are playing cards. Chelsea enters.

CHLSEA Last call!

 Chelsea helps Neil Cockran to get up and they leave together.

AL     Oh, come on Marcy, it's a normal bar bet - $25,000 for the one who can hit the bowl from
       furthest away. [Al holds out his arm to escort Marcy to the bathroom] Shall we?

B/TEND I got five bucks on the broad.

 Marcy throws down her cards onto the bar.

MARCY  I don't know. Maybe the smell of this check will wake Steve up again. Maybe it will remind 
       him of the good old days, when we'd drive to the poor side of town and pull up to some old 
       guy, and ask him for change of a thousand, [laughs a little] Oh, the times we had. I don't 
       know. Maybe I have been to hard on him? I'm gonna tell Steve about the money.

B/TEND [staring at the TV] Hey! Look at this!

 We see a news anchor person on the TV.

ANCHOR And to close, we have a story about a true moron. Tonight, an unemployed househusband and
       self-described man of nature, thinking that the last Caribbean Pigmy Sea Turtle born in
       captivity was unhappy, broke into the Zoo Aquarium, stole the turtle and released it into
       Lake Michigan.
       [A mug shot of Steve appears on the screen] Apparently, this "man of nature" didn't know
       it was a salt-water turtle. Witnesses report Bosco tried valiantly to crawl back out of
       the water only to be thrown back in by this deranged, unemployed man, standing on
       the bank singing "Born Free". Bosco will be missed.
       [A picture of Bosco The Turtle appears on the screen. Written over the picture are the
       words: Bosco  1901 - 1989] Bail has been set at twenty-five thousand dollars... Not nearly 
       enough in this reporter's opinion.

 The bartender turns the TV sound down.

MARCY  Well, I guess I know what I have to do.

AL     You gonna bail him out?

MARCY  Let him rot. I'm going to get myself a new Jag.

 Marcy leaves. Al sits alone in the bar and then the bartender goes over to him.

B/TEND Hey, Bundy. Ready to settle up your tab?

AL     Yep, I'm ready.

 The bartender gives Al a mop and bucket. Al starts to mop the floor and sings "Born Free".



THE END



EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: RON LEAVITT & MICHAEL G. MOYE
PRODUCED BY: ELLEN L. FOGLE, MARCY VOSBURGH & SANDY SPRUNG
SUPERVISING PRODUCERS: ARTHUR SILVER & KATHERINE GREEN
DIRECTED BY: GERRY COHEN
WRITTEN BY: KATHERINE GREEN
CREATED BY: MICHAEL G. MOYE & RON LEAVITT
CO-PRODUCED BY: BABARA BLACHUT CRAMER
STORY EDITOR: KEVIN CURRAN
CASTING BY: TAMMARA BILLIK, C.S.A.
EXECUTIVE IN CHARGE OF CASTING: RICK JACOBS
"LOVE AND MARRIAGE" LYRICS & MUSIC BY SMMY CAHN & JIMMY VAN HEUSEN
MUSIC SUPERVISION: MICHAEL ANDREAS
PRODUCTION DESIGNER: DON ROBERTS
ART DIRECTOR: RICHARD IMPROTA
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR: RICHARD STEIR
STAGE MANAGERS: RICHARD DRANEY & STEPHANIE SCOTT
PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE: KITTY ROURKE
PRODUCTION CO-ORDINATOR: SUSAN JANG
EDITED BY: LARRY HARRIS
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR: SAM W. ORENDER
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY: THOMAS W. MARKLE
AUDIO: J. MARK KING
RE-RECORDING: MARTI D. HUMPHREY & JOHN BICKELHAUPT
COSTUMES: MARTI MASAMITSU
PROPERTY MASTER: MICHAEL SEMON
HAIR: DOTTIE McQUOWN
MAKE-UP: NINA KENT
DOG TRAINER: STEVEN RITT
PRODUCTION SUPERVISED BY: FRAN McCONNEL
PRODUCTION CONSULTANTS: DEBORAH CURTAN & EDUARDO CERVANTES
COPYRIGHT (C) 1989 ELP COMMUNICATIONS
COLUMBIA PICTURES TELEVISION
a unit of Columbia Pictures entertainment, Inc.