ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

INT. OUTSIDE THE BUNDY HOUSE - EVENING

(AL ENTERS. HE DIGS OUT HIS KEY)

AL
I work in a shoe store and still I'm not happy to come home.

(A LITTLE GIRL, COURTNEY, IN A SCOUT OUTFIT COMES UP TO HIM. SHE HAS BOXES OF COOKIES)

COURTNEY
Mr. Bundy. Would you like to buy some chipmunk cookies?

AL
No. Go away.

COURTNEY 
You can't tell me you' re not hungry. My Daddy says you eat bugs and dirt.

AL    
Well, you go home and tell your Daddy you have the mailman's eyes.

(COURTNEY HOLDS UP A BOX OF COOKIES)

COURTNEY 
(ENTICINGLY) They're food.

AL    
All right. I'll take a box of macaroons.

COURTNEY
Cash only, deadbeat.

AL
I don't have any cash. How about some credit?

COURTNEY
Eat a bug.

(SHE EXITS)

AL
Wet a bed.

(HE SIGHS AND OPENS THE DOOR)

CUT TO:

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - EVENING
(AL ENTERS FROM OUTSIDE AND READS A NOTE TAPED TO THE FRONT DOOR)

AL
(READING) "Dear Al, you always complain there's no dinner. Surprise. I left it on the table
for you."

(AL GOES OVER TO THE DINING TABLE. BUCK IS ON THE TABLE NEXT TO AN EMPTY
WRAPPER AND A KETCHUP BOTTLE) 

AL
(TO BUCK) You ate my dinner! You bag of fleas and ticks. I'm starving.

(HE LOOKS AT BUCK. BUCK TURNS INTO A TURKEY ON A PLATTER, THEN BACK. AL TUCKS IN A NAPKIN
AND STARTS TO POUR KETCHUP ON BUCK. PEGGY AND STEVE ENTER WITH KELLY AND BUD. STEVE IS
WEARING A T-SHIRT THAT READS, "WHAT'S GNU AT THE CHICAGO ZOO?")

PEGGY
Oh, hi, honey. We had a great day. Steve took us to the zoo. Oh, Al. It was the best time to
go. No lines or anything, 'cause during the day all the idiots who have jobs can't go.
(THEY ALL LAUGH) Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

(THEY POINT AT AL AND LAUGH AGAIN) 

STEVE 
I'm telling you, Al. You're not truly one with nature till a zebra wets on your slacks. God.
I never felt so alive. 

BUD 
Dad, you'll never guess what we saw at the zoo today with Uncle Steve.

AL
A family of vultures pecking the flesh of the Daddy?

KELLY 
No. A big gorilla. Big as you. Scratching himself.

PEGGY 
And he had one hand where his pants would be. And in his other hand, like you hold your beer, 
he was holding something. I think it was doody. (SUSPICIOUSLY) Where were you around three o'clock today? 

(PEGGY, KELLY, BUD AND STEVE POINT AT AL AND LAUGH)

KELLY
My favorite part was the penguin cage. It really makes you think. There but for the flippers, go I.

BUD 
Well, the flippers and a breakaway bra.

KELLY 
You should be nice to me. If I didn't-tell the guard you came in with us, you'd be riding on a 
unicycle and clapping for fish right now.

(KELLY AND BUD EXIT UPSTAIRS)

SFX: DOORBELL

STEVE
Oh my God. It's Marcy. I was supposed to be out looking for a job today. If she smells fun on me 
I'm dead man. Stall her. 

(HE GRABS A SUIT JACKET AND TIE OUT OF HIS GYM BAG AND RUSHES OUT THE BACK DOOR)

PEGGY
Pretty pathetic, huh? I don't know if Steve has what it takes not to work. it's almost like he's 
ashamed of it. I'll tell you, if I ever get like that, shoot me.

AL
In case I'm not home when it happens, can I just wing you now?

(PEGGY OPENS THE DOOR TO MARCY) 

PEGGY 
Hi Marcy. I went to the zoo today with the kids and nobody else. How was your day?

MARCY 
Superb. Since I got demoted to Drive-Up-Teller, everything is just so much more exciting. 
It's a people job. They drive up to my window, order a cheeseburger, spit at me and drive away. 
But they're not all like that. Some'll actually try to pull my hand through the chute before they 
spit at me and drive away. So Between that and the cheery "Hurry up, you stupid moo cow", the 
fifty hour work week just zooms by.

AL
It could be worse. Imagine what they'd say if they could see your legs.

MARCY
Excuse me. Did a pig burp in here? Oh, well, but here I am feeling sorry for myself when my 
poor Steve has been out all day looking for work. He must be exhausted. He's been coming home 
even more tired than I am.

(STEVE RUNS BY THE PATIO DOOR CHANGING CLOTHES. ONLY MARCY DOESN'T SEE) 

MARCY
Have you seen him? 

PEGGY 
Well, he was nowhere near the zoo. 

AL 
Don't ask me. I'm blind from hunger,

(STEVE ENTERS, WEARING HIS SUIT AND TIE) 

STEVE 
Oh, boy, what a day. Oh, Marcy. I didn't expect to see you here. Damn, I wish I could have been 
home in time to make you dinner. I'm such a failure.

(HE HANGS HIS HEAD. MARCY REASSURES HIM)

MARCY 
Oh, no, honey. It's okay. Did you find anything today, angel heart?

STEVE
Oh, No. But not from lack of trying. I heard it all. Too old, too young, too handsome.

AL
Put your feet up, folks. It's gettin' pretty deep in here.

(PEGGY SHUSHES HIM)

MARCY
Oh. Well, come home, Steve. I'll rub your feet. They're probably tired from walking all day.

(STEVE FEIGNS HOBBLING. WINCES) 

STEVE But, dear. You worked so hard. But... 

(KELLY ENTERS FROM UPSTAIRS)

KELLY
Mr. Rhoades. Before you go, I have a zoo question. When you were riding the little train
around Bear Land today, were there any real live Teddy Bears like Bud said, or do they live
someplace else like I think?

(MARCY STARES AT STEVE. BEAT) 

STEVE 
Marcy, I can't go on keeping secrets from you. I was at the zoo today and I didn't really
look for work. Are we still on for the foot rub?

MARCY 
Tell me, Steve. Yesterday when I rubbed your back. Where were you then, Steve? 

(STEVE HANGS HIS HEAD)

STEVE 
The movies.

MARCY 
And the day before, when I had to put up the storm windows cause you were too tired?

STEVE
Uh,..

(PEGGY LOOKS IN HER APPOINTMENT BOOK)

PEGGY
The chocolate factory.

STEVE
I know how they get the creme in there. (MARCY STARES AT HIM) Y'know, I've been thinking. 
I don't really want to work. It's boring. I'm having fun not working, Peggy says...

MARCY
Well, Marcy says, you're working, leech man. I called your former boss on my lunch six
minutes and he agreed to see you. So if you could put on a rim suit, brush those teeth, 
and put on some cologne to cover up the wombat smell, he'll see you tomorrow afternoon. 
I'll meet you there to make sure you say "I'll take it" to any menial job tossed your way.

STEVE  
Tomorrow doesn't work for me. I told Peggy and the kids I'd take them to the Aquarium. 

MARCY 
Well, dear, I'm afraid you'd be uncomfortable at the Aquarium with my foot lodged where
Mommy used to put the thermometer.
 
(THEY EXIT)

FLIP TO:

AL 
Y'know, Peg. Seeing Marcy take charge like that reminds me what a real man should be. 
So I'm putting my foot down. Tomorrow, when I come home, I want my slippers, I want my 
paper -- before Buck, and I want my dinner again, before Buck. I am the Marcy of this 
house. I have spoken, so it shall be done.


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

INT. BUNDY KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - NEXT DAY

(AL IS IN THE KITCHEN. HE IS READING A CAN) 

AL
(READS)
"Place cheese critters in water and watch 'em grow? Keep out of reach of children."

(AL SHRUGS AND STARTS TO CHUG-A-LUG)

(PEGGY, STEVE, KELLY AND BUD ENTER. STEVE IS WEARING A T-SHIRT THAT READS, "I'D WALK A 
MILE TO KISS A REPTILE". THEY CROSS TO THE COUCH AND SIT)

PEGGY
Hi, honey. You should have been with us today. We had a great time.

KELLY
Yeah. We fed a shark some burgers and we gave a French fry to a guppy, and he exploded.

BUD
Hey, Dad. They even had those hot dogs you like so much. We fed about ten of them to the
boa constrictors. If you were there we would have given you one of his.

AL 
Does anyone care that I haven't eaten in days.

(THEY WALLA, "NO", "NOT REALLY", AND "WHY SHOULD THAT BOTHER US?")

AL
You look a little down, Steve. What's wrong? The choo-choo through Toyland shut down?

STEVE 
Worse than that, Al. It's Bosco.

AL
You've got some Bosco? Let me spit in a glass and we'll mix it up.

STEVE 
No, I meant Bosco, the rare Caribbean Pigmy Sea Turtle at the Aquarium. He looked really
despondent today. 

AL 
Was he selling shoes to the other turtles? 

STEVE 
No. They had him in an itty bitty tank. He must weigh two hundred pounds. He was as out of 
place there as you would be in a library. Like a trooper, he kept his beak up, but I could tell 
he was just a shell of a turtle. 

PEGGY 
You should have seen them, Al. Both their noses pressed up against the glass. You could 
barely tell them apart.

AL 
The turtle is the one with the job.

STEVE 
Oh, that's right. I was supposed to meet Marcy at my old bank today.

BUD 
Oh, man, Mrs. Rhoades is gonna gut you like a fish.

STEVE 
Hey, I can handle Mrs. Rhoades. I'll just give her what she's been begging for all week.
My famous chocolate souffle'. It takes a good two hours, but a man's gotta do what a man's
gotta do. 

(HE TURNS ON THE TV) 

SFX: TV ON

INT. BANK WALL

(ON THE TV WE SEE A REPORTER STANDING IN FRONT OF A BANK WALL)

REPORTER 
A drug crazed gunman attempted to rob the Leading Bank Of Chicago this afternoon. His
attempt was foiled by a feisty local woman, Marcy Rhoades, whom he tried to seize as a
hostage. But he picked the wrong woman, didn't he, Mrs. Rhoades? (WE SEE MARCY. WE SEE 
EVERYBODY REACT) Is that gunshot wound through your hand bothering you? 

(MARCY HAS A HUGE CESTA-LIKE REHABILITATION DEVICE ON HER HAND)

MARCY 
Not really, Waldo. What's really bothering me is my husband is a screw-up. (TO CAMERA)
You went to the zoo again today, didn't you, Steve?

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN

AL 
That souffle better be damn fluffy.

INT. BANK WALL

REPORTER 
Exactly, how did the injury happen?

MARCY 
Well, when the robber jammed his gun in my stomach, I did what I felt I had to do. I
threw up on the floor. As he slipped on it, he knocked himself out. The gun went off and
shot me in the hand, horribly wounding me. But enough about me. (TO CAMERA) How was your
day, Steve?

INT BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN

(STEVE GRABS THE REMOTE CONTROL AND TURNS OFF THE TV)

SFX: TV OFF

STEVE 
Well, there goes my night.

PEGGY
(AMAZED) She knows my name. She could've mentioned me. Like a little wave of her claw and
a "Hi, Peggy" wouldn't have killed her.

KELLY 
And we don't exist?

STEVE 
Well, I guess I'll go home, get my stuff, and head for the Y. (HE OPENS THE DOOR AND
TURNS BACK TO THEM) If she comes over here, you haven't seen me. (MARCY APPEARS BEHIND
HIM) Tell her I'm out looking for a job. She'll buy it. After all, she's probably loaded
full of pain killers. Tee hee.

(HE TURNS AND SEES HER)

STEVE 
Uh, hi, honey. I was just out looking for a job. So what's up?

MARCY
(OFF HER INJURED HAND) See this hand, Steve?

(STEVE LOOKS AT IT. MARCY BALLS UP HER OTHER FIST. WE SEE THE BUNDYS WATCH. WE HEAR A PUNCH.
STEVE COMES FLYING BY THEM. BUD LOOKS AT STEVE, LAYING THERE)

BUD 
Gee, this kind of puts the kibosh on the sailboat trip tomorrow, Doesn't it?


FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT A BAR - THAT NIGHT

(WE ARE IN A WORKING MAN'S BAR. MARCY AND AL ARE AT A TABLE)

MARCY 
Thanks for bringing me here, Al. I'm sorry that you had to see me that way. I usually pride 
myself on being a lady at all times. (TO BARTENDER) Hey, Lardbutt. A coupla brewskies over here!

AL
Hey, guys. A toast. To the working man. The last American hero. Right guys?

(THE GUYS AND MARCY RAISE THEIR BEERS AND GRUNT)

EVERYONE
Right.

AL
We work to make a living and what do we get out of it?

EVERYONE
Squat.

AL
And what else?

EVERYONE
Nothing.

AL
And why do we go on?

EVERYONE
We're stupid.

AL
A toast. To the stupid workin' man.

(THEY ALL GRUNT AND RAISE THEIR GLASSES)

EVERYONE
To us.

MARCY
You know what frosts my	weenie? (AD-LIB) After you marry 'em they don't care how they
look. Don't even shave. Right guys?

GUYS
Uh,.. yeah. Right.

NORRIS 
Well, I can't complain. At least I live with one who has a job, makes me dinner, and
doesn't mind rubbing my feet after a hard day.

AL 
Yeah, but your mom's getting kind of old. Besides, Moms aren't really women. I'm talkin'
about the things you marry. I mean, you come crawling home after a hard day's work, and
what do they want?
(DERISIVELY)

EVERYONE
Lovin'.

AL 
They don't understand it's just more work for us. I mean the last thing you want to look at 
after a hard day's work is a woman.

(A HOOKER, CHELSEA, WALKS BY)

NORRIS
Hey, look at that one!

(MARCY AND THE GUYS ALL LEER, HOOT AND CATCALL. THE GUYS GET UP TO FOLLOW HER. MARCY STOPS AL)

MARCY
Y'know what else ticks me off? It's the way they change. I mean, I the when I married
Steve he was a greedy materialistic pig. He would step on an old lady for a dollar, God,
how he excited me. Now he's just another man with sea horses on his boxers. Oh, Al. What
if Steve never works again?

AL
Case in point. See that old man over in the corner?  (WE SEE AN OLD MAN, NEIL COCKRAN,
SHAKING, AND WEEPING IN HIS BEER) Neil Cockran. He's got eight kids. He's thirty years old.

MARCY 
Y'know, Steve and I used to talk about having children. God, can you imagine that life?
You, the only working parent, a couple of kids chained to your wallet. Ugh! I'd rather plunge 
a knife in my throat. Well, I don't have to tell you. 

(AL REACTS)

MARCY 
Well, I guess what's really bothering me I about Steve is that not only aren't we talking,
but for the first time in our relationship I find myself keeping secrets. I'm keeping
something from him right now, even though I know it's wrong. (SHE TAKES HIS HAND) Maybe you
can help me handle this.
		
(AL TAKES HIS HAND AWAY)

AL
Wait a minute here, Marce. I know you look at me and just see "Hunk". You're not the first 
to try bag the big one. But it can never be. I belong to another, and more importantly, 
I find you physically repulsive.

MARCY 
I don't want you, you shaved ape.

AL 
Hey, no need to get personal, Chicken legs.

MARCY 
Sorry. Anyhow, remember when I sorta caught that bank robber? Well, what I didn't tell
Steve was that I sorta got a little reward.

AL 
How much?

MARCY 
Twenty-five thousand dollars.

(BEAT)

AL
Hey, bartender. A whiskey for the lady, and a deck of cards for me.

(MARCY REACTS) 

DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO
SCENE TWO

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - LATER THAT NIGHT 
(PEGGY AND STEVE ARE SITTING ON THE COUCH. STEVE HOLDS AN ICEPACK TO HIS MOUTH)

STEVE
Boy, it was scary being unconscious. The things you imagine. I thought two little
leprechans and a red headed giant were going through my pockets. And then a woman with a
mustache gave me a big French kiss.

PEGGY
That was Buck. He thought your tongue was his chew rag.
	
STEVE
Well, I can't go through life getting knocked out. (SIGHS) I guess there's no way around
it, Marcy wants me to get a job. I guess I'll have to get a job.

PEGGY
Forget Marcy for a moment. What do you want to do?

STEVE
I want to be a cowboy.

PEGGY
And when you grow up, I'm sure you will be. But what about now?

STEVE 
Well, I was hoping to do something special. Something that's been on my mind all day. 
(HE TAKES HER HAND) But I don't have the nerve.

PEGGY 
Oh, Steve. I know you look at me and just see "Man candy", but it can never be. First, I
belong to another. And second... (LAUGHS) ...you couldn't handle the ride.

(HE STARES AT HER A BEAT)

STEVE 
I can't even handle the thought. Oh forget it. Who cares what I want?

PEGGY
Well I care, Steve. Look. Tomorrow, you have to go out and get some stinkin' job that you'll
be saddled with for the rest of your life, just to please Marcy. You really don't want me?
Oh, well. But before you do, you owe it to yourself to do something to please you.

STEVE 
Peggy, you're right. And I'm gonna do it. Wish me luck.

PEGGY 
Good luck, Steve. 

(STEVE EXITS) 

PEGGY
He wants me.

DISSOLVE TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

INT. BAR - LATER
(THE PLACE HAS EMPTIED OUT SOMEWHAT. AL AND MARCY ARE SITTING AT THE BAR PLAYING CARDS.
CHAIRS ARE UP ON THE TABLES)

CHELSEA
Last call.

(NEIL LEAVES WITH HER. AL IS STARING AT MARCY'S CHECK. HE ABSENTMINDEDLY EATS NUTS OUT OF
MARCY'S CESTA)

AL 
Two pair.

MARCY 
Three ladies.

AL
Damn. How much do I owe you?

MARCY
Eighty bucks.

AL
Okay. It's getting late. How 'bout this? One hand. My watch against your twenty-five thou.

MARCY 
I don't want to play any more cards.

AL 
Okay. How 'bout this? Whoever can lift the most gets the check?

MARCY 
Al, I took a bullet for this twenty-five thousand.

AL 
Hey, I'll take a bullet. Hell, make it a grenade.

MARCY 
I don't know, maybe the smell of this check would wake Steve up again. Maybe it will remind
him of the good old days, when we'd drive to the poor side of town, pull over to some old
guy and ask if he had change of a thousand. (SHE LAUGHS A LITTLE) Oh, the times we had. I
don't know. Maybe I have been to hard on him lately I'm gonna tell him about the money.

BARTENDER
(STARING AT THE TV) Hey! Look at this.

SFX: TV ON

(HE TURNS UP THE TV. WE SEE A NEWS ANCHOR ON THE TELEVISION)

TV NEWS ANCHOR 
And to close, we have a story about a true moron. Tonight, an unemployed househusband and 
self-described man of nature, thinking that the last Caribbean Pigmy Turtle born in
captivity was unhappy, broke into the Zoo Aquarium, stole the turtle and released it.

(A PICTURE OF STEVE'S MUG SHOT APPEARS ON THE SCREEN) 

TV NEWS ANCHOR 
Apparently, this "man of nature" didn't know it was a salt-water turtle. Witnesses report
Bosco tried valiantly to crawl back out of the water only to be thrown back in by this
deranged, unemployed man, standing on the bank singing, "Born Free". Bosco will be missed. 
(A PICTURE OF A TURTLE APPEARS ON THE SCREEN. SUPERED OVER THE PICTURE ARE THE WORDS: 
BOSCO - 1901 - 1989) Bail has been set at twenty-five thousand dollars. Not nearly enough 
in this reporter's opinion.

MARCY
Well, I guess I know what I have to do.

AL 
You gonna bail him out?

MARCY
Nope; I'm going to get myself a new Jag.

(MARCY EXITS. AL SITS ALONE AT THE BAR. THE BARTENDER COMES OVER)

BARTENDER
(TO AL) Hey, Bundy. Ready to settle up your tab?

AL 
Yep, I'm ready.

(THE BARTENDER GIVES HIM A MOP. AL STARTS TO MOP THE FLOOR)

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO


THE END