Regular Cast:

Al Bundy...................Ed O'Neill
Peggy Bundy................Katey Sagal
Kelly Bundy................Christina Applegate
Bud Bundy..................David Faustino
Buck.......................Buck the Dog

Guest Cast:

Vince......................Mike Tino
Tony.......................John Welsh
Mr. Whiteman...............Joe Farago
Mrs. Whiteman..............Nancy Priddy
Lewis......................Marc Bentley
Bum........................Chuck E. Weiss



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

 The Bundy garage
 We hear The Beach Boys' "I Get Around" playing on Al's car radio. A beat, then Al's car enters,
 followed by Al, who is pushing it. He is hot and sweaty, with major moons under his arms. He
 jumps into the car to put it into park, turns off the radio and sighs.

AL      Yep. One more payment - you're all mine.

 Al starts kicking the car repeatedly. Kelly enters.

KELLY   Hi, Daddy. I saw you pushing the car. Doesn't it work?

AL      Well, sure it does, honey. It was just such a nice day, I didn't wanna waste it sitting
        in the car like all those other jerks on the expressway. (beat) Of course it doesn't
        work! Honey, if you saw Dad pushing it, why didn't you come give and me a hand?

KELLY   Well, it looked pretty boring. I mean, you were going so slow and everything. You know, a
        person could get a heart attack pushing a car in this heat. And then you gotta think
        about Mom. I mean, what would she do if she lost the both of us? I mean if you kick it's
        okay 'cause she can always marry again. But if I went...

AL      (cutting Kelly off) Kelly, honey, just forget about it, okay? Just give old Dad a chance
        to push his spleen back to his navel.

 Bud enters.

BUD     Hey, Dad. Saw you pushing the old car. Me and my friends never thought you'd make it up
        the hill.

AL      Did you ever think about helping old Dad?

BUD     In this heat?

AL      Y'know, you kids have been so great, why don't you just hop in the car and I'll push the
        two of you down to the ice cream parlor.

KELLY   Thanks, Dad!

 Kelly happily gets in the car.

KELLY   Oh, and push it fast so we'll look cool, okay?

 Al shakes his head sadly.

BUD     Dad, why don't we just get a new car?

AL      Bud, you don't throw something away just because it doesn't work. If that was the case,
        you wouldn't have a mother. Now, let's find exactly what is wrong with this car.

 Al goes to open the hood. It won't open. He sighs, mutters "ah, you stinkin' old pile of junk"
 as he goes to the door to the house. He opens it, then shuts it. The hood opens. He mutters "ah, 
 you lousy junk pile" back to the car.

KELLY   Daddy, can't we do this after we get ice cream?

AL      (after a beat) Kelly, we already got ice cream and we're home. Get out of the car.

 Kelly gets out.

KELLY   I didn't get any.

 Al sighs.

AL      Kelly, get back in the car.

 Al looks under the hood.

KELLY   (to Bud) Bud, did you get ice cream?

BUD     (off hand) Uh, yeah, Kell. It was great.

Kelly   (pouting) Where was I?

 Kelly gets back in the car.

AL      Kelly, honey, can you hear me?

 Kelly beeps the horn. Al jumps and hits his head.

AL      Good, good. Now, honey, when I say "Now!", turn it over, and try not to honk the horn,
        okay?

 Kelly beeps the horn. Al hits his head.

KELLY   That meant "Okay", Daddy.

AL      Good. Good.

BUD     Are you sure you know what you're doing in there?

AL      Y'know, Bud, you're starting to sound like your mother. Aha, yeah, I see there's some
        dirt on the round thing. Alright, I think I got it. Kelly, turn it on.

BUD     Uh, Dad, you might wanna tell Kelly to use the key or she might start rubbing up against
        it.

AL      (to Bud) Kelly knows what she's doing, Bud, she's not an idiot. (to Kelly) Use the key,
        honey.

 Kelly tries. The car makes a dying sound. Al sighs and closes the hood.

AL     Ah, it's no use. I know that sound. That's a death rattle. I make it myself every morning.
       Let's go in the house. Get out of the car, Kelly.

 Kelly gets out.

KELLY   (muttering) Get in the car. Get out of the car. Get in the car. Get out of the car. You
        know, you're starting to sound like one of my dates. They promise me ice cream too, but
        they never give me any.

 They exit into the house and shut the door. The hood opens.


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

 The Bundy living room, continuous. Al, Kelly and Bud enter. Peggy is lying on the couch. There
 are bon bon wrappers scattered about. An Enquirer-type newspaper covers her face. The headline
 reads, "HOUSEWIVES DESERVE SEVENTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS A YEAR SAYS EXPERT".

BUD     Hi, Mom.

PEGGY   Hi, Kelly.

KELLY   Hi, Mom.

PEGGY   Hi, Bud.

AL      Hi, Peg. And before you say "Hi" to the milkman, it's me.

PEGGY   I know. I have a nose. By the way, honey, I saw you pushing your car home. Doesn't it
	work?

AL      Peg, if you saw me pushing the car home, why didn't you help me?

PEGGY   Well, I saw the kids out there and I figured if they weren't gonna help, why should I?

AL      Kids, I have a little family announcement to make. But since I don't have an actual
        family, I'll say it to you. I have decided that it's time for me to buy a new car.

 The family wallas excitedly.

PEGGY   I want a Cadillac.

KELLY   I want a Ferrari.

BUD     I want a Porsche.

AL      Your wishes mean nothing to me. It's going to be my car, and I'll decide what I'm
        getting.

BUD     Yeah. Just don't get another weenie-mobile.

AL      If I want a weenie-mobile, I'll buy a weenie-mobile. But at least it'll be a new
        weenie-mobile. A new car. At last. Everything I've ever owned has been used. My car, my
        house, my...

 Al looks at Peggy and nods significantly.


ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

 Scott 'n Gary's Motors - a new car showroom - the next day
 Al, Kelly and Bud enter. Al carries a shoe box. He is a proud man.

AL      Kids. Today you're going to witness the last great American tradition. Daddy's buying a
        new car, and I wanted my family to share the experience.

BUD     Well, then shouldn't we have brought Mom?

AL      Let her get her own family.

BUD     Hey Dad, are you gonna tell us what's in the box now?

AL      Ten years of my life, son.

BUD     Hmm. It's an awful big box for that, Dad.

 Bud laughs. Kelly hits him.

KELLY   Do you think that Dad likes to be reminded that the last decade of his life is one big
        goose egg? A vast wasteland. A black hole from which hope can neither enter nor escape.
        Now, shut up and humor him, like we do on Father's Day, okay? (to Al) You're the
        greatest, Daddy.

BUD     Yeah, Dad. You're the bestest Dad in the whole wide world. Now tell us more about your
        magic shoe.

AL      It's not a shoe, you dolts. You're looking at five thousand dollars.

 Kelly and Bud go for the box. Al beats them back.

AL      Mine, animals. It took me ten years to save for this, cutting corners for years, using
        the same razor blade, using the same TV Guide, re-using the same mouthwash. And now,
        finally, the fruits of my suffering.

KELLY   Well, I thought we were the fruits of your suffering, Daddy.

AL      No, you're the vegetables of my suffering. But anyhow, I buried my box so deep in the 
        back yard that the Devil himself, your mother, could not find it.

 Al goes up to a new Mustang.

AL      And this is my new car! Get in.

 They all get in.

AL      Take a deep breath, kids. That's enough. You're suckin' up all the new. What do you
        think, kids?

KELLY   Well, I dunno. There's not a lot of room back here.

BUD     Well, that's because you're not lying down like usual.

KELLY   Hey, Dad. Don't forget to buy a "Neutered Boy On Board" sticker. Oh yeah, and rubber
        seats. You know, for his "Little Problem".

 Kelly giggles. A beat, then she lays down.

KELLY   Yeah, well, I guess this'll be okay.

 Al caresses the steering wheel and rubs his face lovingly on it.

AL      Ah, I don't care. I'm in a new car, and I'm still alive. Oh, God. Now kids, wait'll the
        salesman comes over here. You'll see old Dad wheel and deal then.

BUD     Were you wheeling and dealing when you sold our old car for a ride over here?

KELLY   Hey, Dad. If he won't deal, show him some leg. I got a Walkman for five bucks once.

AL      Lie down, Kelly.

 Kelly shrugs and lays down. Al reacts. The manager, Tony, comes over.

TONY    Can I help you, sir?

AL      (cagey) Yeah. The sticker on this says fifteen thousand, but how much is it really?

TONY    Fifteen thousand.

 Al winks at Bud. They all get out of the car.

AL      Okay, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll give you ten.

TONY    Great. But if you want the car, it'll be fifteen.

AL      Let's say, twelve.

TONY    Fifteen.

AL      Fourteen?

TONY    Fifteen.

AL      Okay. But I want you to throw in special air conditioning, no charge.

TONY    Nope.

AL      Okay. But I want you to throw in a stereo.

TONY    No.

AL      Undercoating?

TONY    Uh uh.

AL      Okay. But I'm not driving out of here till I have a wooden gear shift knob, no extra
        cost.

TONY    Let me think. Hey, Vince!

 Vince, a salesman, comes over.

TONY    (sotto) How much is a plastic wooden shift knob?

VINCE   Twenty-five cents.

TONY    (to Al) I'll give it to you for fifty bucks.

 Al winks at Bud.

AL      (to Tony) Deal, sucker.

 Al sticks out his hand to Bud for "five". Bud just stares at him.

TONY    How do you intend to pay?

AL      (smug) Well, how does a five thousand dollar deposit sound?

 Al gives Bud the box.

AL      Bud, peel them off five big ones.

 Bud looks in the box.

BUD     Well, I'd love to, Dad, but all you got is eight hundred.

AL      Is that all?

BUD     No. That and a red hair.

 Bud gives Al the box. Al looks in. Vince and Tony look at each other and walk away. Al is
 stunned.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

 The Bundy living room, later that day
 Peggy is on the couch watching TV. Al enters.

AL      (sweetly) Hello, Snookums. Peg, I want to talk to you.

PEGGY   Yeah, well, actually, I wanna talk to you too. Can we have a maid? This place is such a
        mess. God.

 Peggy throws some rubbish on the floor.

AL      Peg, let me ask you something. In your travels in the back yard, say, about eight paces
        from the tree, twelve feet down, did you ever find a box with, say, oh, about five
        thousand dollars in it?

PEGGY	(guiltily) Was that yours?

AL      (pained) Yes. Where do you think it came from?

 Peggy thinks a beat.

PEGGY   Well, I just figured that, uh, before the white men settled the area, the Indians buried
        it there.

AL      Uh huh. Well, why would the Indians write "Al" on the box?

PEGGY   Well, I just thought that, uh, someone killed the guy before he wrote "Al ot of money for 
        whoever finds it".

 Peggy smiles hopefully. Al forces a laugh.

AL      Well, then I guess I have some bad news for me. See, that was my new car fund, Peg, a
        long, long time ago.

 Peggy shrugs. Al gives her a look.

AL      Peg, how could you spend forty-two hundred dollars?!

PEGGY   Well, you remember when you yelled at me cause there wasn't any juice in the house? Well, 
        I took some money and I bought you juice, and a coat for me. And then remember when you
        demanded dinner? Well, I took some more money and I bought you a bucket of chicken, and a 
        coat for mom. And then the rest of it, well, I have to admit, I spent foolishly. 

AL      Honey, could you come out in the back yard with me? I have the urge to bury something
        else.

PEGGY   You are really mad about this? You know, if anyone should be mad, it's me. You are the
        one who's hiding money from me.

AL      Well, you would've spent it.

PEGGY   Then why are you acting so surprised? Well, I hope you're happy, Al. Now I'm all tense.
        Well, look, honey. You've got eight hundred dollars. Why don't we spend it on the two of
        us. Now, what do you say? Juice and a fur coat?

 Al buries his face in his hands.

PEGGY   Well, you know, I do have some good news, Al. One of the girls at the beauty parlor said
        that she would buy your old car for eleven hundred dollars.

 Al doesn't respond. He buries his head in his hands again.


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

 Scott 'N Gary's Motors new car showroom - later that day
 Al is looking at the Mustang, his nose pressed against the glass. We see a bum with a cup
 getting some money from a passerby off to the side. The bum then crosses to Al. He looks Al up
 and down. He reaches into his cup and gives Al a dollar bill. He pats Al on the back and exits.
 A couple in their forties, the Whitemans, and their seventeen year old son, Lewis, walk up 
 to the car with Tony.

TONY    You made a wise choice, Mr. and Mrs. Whiteman. It's the last one we have in stock. Pretty 
        good deal, too, at twelve thou.

 Al reacts.

MR. W   Well, nothing's too good for our Lewis.

 Mr. Whiteman tousles Lewis' hair. Lewis slaps his hand away.

MRS. W  (proud) Lewis got a C in Francais.

LEWIS   I want a Maserati.

MR. W   You will take this and like it.

LEWIS   I hate you.

 Mr. Whiteman shrugs.

MR. W   Kids.

 They move off to sign the papers. Lewis leans against the car. Al enters the showroom and Vince
 approaches him. 

VINCE   What can we do for you, Sir?

 Vince recognizes Al.

VINCE   Oh, yeah. The shoebox man. [chuckles] Hey, look, why don't we face facts. You're just not a
        new car kind of guy. Why don't you get yourself a nice used car?

AL      I don't want a used car. I want a new car like the little boy.

VINCE   You can't have one.

AL      Oh, all right, I know, you're right. I'm sorry for wasting all your time.

 Vince turns away. Al pulls Lewis out of the car.

LEWIS   Hey, man!

 Al jumps in the car and starts it up. Vince, Tony and a couple of salesmen quickly pull Al out.

AL      It's mine. It's my car! I worked for it. No. You can't take it. Please. Ask him, the kid
        don't even want it. Twenty years I've toiled. By the sweat of my brow. (to Whitemans)
        Whiteman, listen. That kid is a monster. He don't like the car. Ask him! Buy me one.
        Please. I'd be proud to call you Daddy.

 They drag him away.

TONY    Take it easy. Come on, come on. Here. Here. Take this card. Now, it's the address of a
        good used car lot. Now, you tell 'em I sent you, they'll treat you right.


ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

 The Bundy garage, later
 We hear Johnny Rivers' version of "The Poor Side of Town". Al pushes in a burgandy AMC Pacer.
 He stops the car and turns off the radio. Peggy enters.

PEGGY   Hi, honey. I saw you pushing your new car up the street. How do you like it?

AL      Well, it pushes pretty smooth, but, uh, a little rough passing on the expressways, but
        the handling more than makes up for it.

PEGGY   Sit down, honey.

 They sit on the car.

PEGGY   You're not happy with your car, are you?

 Al shakes his head sadly.

PEGGY   Well, you know, maybe I've been...

 Peggy shifts uncomfortably, reaches down and pulls out Al's side view mirror. She tosses it
 over her shoulder.

PEGGY   That's better. Anyway, maybe I've been a little selfish. I mean, you are the breadwinner,
        and you work very hard, and you deserve to have a good car. So I'm gonna do something for 
        you that I should have done in the first place.

AL      You're going to get a job and pay me back the forty-two hundred you stole from me?

 Peggy laughs at him.

PEGGY   Oh, Al. You're a crack-up.

 Peggy laughs again, takes out a cigarette, and strikes a match on the side of the car. She
 lights her cigarette, looks for a place to toss the match, then tosses it through the window
 into Al's car.

PEGGY   Anyway, what I am gonna do is I'm gonna give you the number of a guy that can give you
        a great deal on a good user car. He's the son of the guy that I buy my shoes from.

 Al reacts.

PEGGY   Just mention my name, he'll treat you like a king.


ACT TWO

SCENE FOUR

 The Bundy garage, the next day
 We hear Roger Miller's version of "King Of The Road". We see Al push a lime green Gremlin. He
 stops the car and turns off the radio. He lays his head against the steering wheel.

AL      Ah, no. Why? What have I done? Am I not fit to die?

PEGGY   (o.s.) Daddy's home.

 Peggy, Kelly and Bud enter. Peggy looks at the car.

PEGGY   Ooh, good choice, honey. It's a much lighter car.

AL      Yeah. I can almost pull this one.

BUD     Dad. Wouldn't it be a lot easier to walk to work without the car?

KELLY   Come on, Bud. Don't be stupid. It's way too far for Daddy to walk without a car.

PEGGY   You know, I can't believe he cheated you. Well, that's it. I am getting in this car and
        you are pushing me back down there so I can give this guy a piece of my mind. Get in the
        car, kids.

 Everyone starts to pile in.

KELLY   Hey, um, Daddy? I know it's a few miles out of the way, but can we stop at Samantha's
        house? 'Cause I told her we could give her a ride to the airport.

BUD     Dad, can you drop me at the mall?

AL      All right, everybody, let's hold it right there. Now, how long have I known you guys?
        What, about two, three hundred years? In that time I have learned to do without several
        things. A yacht, a summer home, love, respect, food. I can accept that. But I will live
        not one more day without a car that runs. So no more advice. I will go find my own used
        car lot, and if I come home tonight, God willing, it will be behind the wheel of 
        something that goes vroom. Al Bundy pushes no more. Now get out of my car.

 Al rolls up his sleeves. He starts pushing the car back out.

AL      Now, get along the sides and help me push this car. Let's go, let's go.

 Peggy, Kelly and Bud sneak into the house.

AL      That's it, that's it. See? It's much easier with a little help. Now Peg, it's your job,
        very important, when we get to the bottom of the hill, that you get on the brakes and
        stop the car. It's very important.

 Al and the car exit.


ACT TWO

SCENE FIVE

 The Bundy garage, later
 We hear Fats Domino's "I'm Walkin'"
 Al drives in, in a car that looks exactly like his old car but a different color. Al looks
 happy. He turns the radio off and beeps the horn. Peggy, Kelly and Bud come out.

KELLY   Daddy, you're driving!

AL      You're darn right I am. [chuckles] Well, what do you think?

PEGGY   It looks like your old car.

AL      Peg, that just goes to show how little you know about cars. My old car had ninety-nine
        thousand miles on it. This one's only got (checks obdometer) eighteen. Kids, what did we
        learn from this?

BUD     That this car was only driven one mile per year?

AL      No. That with a little care, we can still find a very good used car that drives like a
        dream. I'm telling you, Peg. This baby fits me like a glove. Even the radio stations, 
        they're tuned in to all the old channels that I like. Sure, it was a little more
        expensive, but they were willing to finance, and in three years this baby will be all
        mine. Let's go.

 Peggy, Kelly and Bud exit. Al looks proudly at his car. 

AL      Yep. Al Bundy finally one won.

 Al smiles and exits. He closes the door. The car hood pops open.