REGULAR CAST

AL BUNDY ...................... ED O'NEILL
PEGGY BUNDY ................... KATEY SAGAL
STEVE RHOADES ................. DAVID GARRISON
MARCY RHOADES ................. AMANDA BEARSE
KELLY BUNDY ................... CHRISTINA APPLEGATE
BUD BUNDY ..................... DAVID FAUSTINO
BUCK, THE DOG ................. MIKE, THE DOG

GUEST CAST

BRANDI BRANDT ................. HERSELF


ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - MORNING
(KELLY, DRESSED FOR SCHOOL, IS ASLEEP ON THE COUCH. PEGGY ENTERS AND WAKES KELLY UP)

PEGGY	Wake up. Honey! Honey, it's time to go to school.

(PEGGY SHAKES HER)

PEGGY	Kelly Bundy!

(KELLY WAKES UP)

KELLY	I wasn't looking at his paper, I swear. Oh. Hi, Mom.

PEGGY	It's time for school.

KELLY	Oh, I can't go to school yet. I've got this Current Events report due today and I'm 
        waiting for Bud to bring me a newspaper.

(BUD ENTERS CARRYING A PAPER)

BUD	Here it is, Kell. Hot off a bum's face.

(PEGGY LOOKS AT IT)

PEGGY	The National Investigator?

BUD	Yeah well, everybody's going to be using actual newspapers and I've decided our Kelly
        should go the tabloid route. Now, Kelly. Which one of these interests you? "Psychic Predicts 
        Someone Will Watch Garry Shandling", or "Spuds McKenzie Just Says No To Justine Bateman".

KELLY	Well, I'll take that one. At least someone's heard of Spuds McKenzie.

(PEGGY LOOKS AT THE PAPER)

PEGGY	Hey, look at this! "New Jersey Housewife Wins Eight Point Seven Million Dollar Lottery."
	And she won it after rubbing the belly of her good luck charm, Tubro, the fat
	Panamanian God of Money. I need something lucky to rub.

(PEGGY GOES OFF INTO THE KITCHEN)

BUD	How about Kelly? Every guy that rubs her gets lucky.

KELLY	Oh, grow a face. Now, let me do my homework in peace.

(KELLY STARTS TO READ THE PAPER) 

KELLY	(READING ALOUD VERY SLOWLY) "Spuds Mc..."

(AL ENTERS FROM UPSTAIRS)

AL	Would you look at this. (OVERCOME) My little girl is reading.

KELLY	Daddy, you made me lose my place. Now I have to start all over. (READING) "Spuds..."

AL	(OVERCOME) Look at her go.

(HE SHAKES HIS HEAD IN WONDER)

AL	(TO PEGGY) Well, one Bundy woman is reaching for the stars today. Let's go for two.
	Peg, make me breakfast. (INSPIRING) Crack an egg for Daddy.

PEGGY	Where would I get an egg this time of day? You're such an idiot. By the way, Al, honey,
        I want to win the lottery. Can I have a hundred and ninety-five dollars to buy Tubro,
	the fat Panamanian God of Money?

AL	Peg, you know what a hundred and ninety-five dollars could mean to this family? It means
	food, it means shelter, it means college for the children.

KELLY	(TO BUD) What's this word?

(BUD LOOKS)

BUD	A.

KELLY	Oh, just like the letter.

(AL AND PEGGY LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND SHRUG)


DISSOLVE TO:


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

INT. SHOE STORE - DAY
SFX: TOILET FLUSHING

(AL ENTERS FROM THE BACK ROOM AND ADDRESSES THE PEOPLE IN THE STORE)

AL	Thanks for watching the store for me, guys.

(STEVE ENTERS)

STEVE   Hey, Al. I got off work a little early today. Whatchya doing?

AL	Oh, just trying to kill another sixty years so Willard Scott can say "Hi" to me on TV.

(AL TAKES SOME BOXES INTO THE STORE ROOM)

STEVE	Y'know, Al. Your problem is you don't take time to appreciate the finer things in life.
	Come with me to a museum, a symphony, an opera. You're never too old to experience...

(STEVE SEES A BEAUTIFUL GIRL, BRANDI, ENTER)

STEVE	... Hooter alert!

(AL RUSHES OUT EAGERLY AND APPROACHES HER)
  
AL	Miss. Here, let me help you. Come over here and sit down, and I'll get you some uhh... 
        what do I sell here? Shoes. Yes, shoes. Would you like one?

STEVE	Let me handle this, Al. (TO BRANDI, PICKING UP HER FOOT) How about something in a man, 
        who'll give you everything he owns.

BRANDI	Oh I already have a pair of those. What I need right now is a pair of stilleto heels, 
        black, size six.

(AL AND STEVE JUST STARE AT HER, SMILING)

STEVE	I'm not leaving.

AL	I'm not either.

STEVE	Okay. We'll both get it. One... two...

(THEY EXIT INTO THE BACK QUICKLY. WE HEAR SCUFFLING. THEN THEY COME BACK, EACH HOLDING ONE SHOE)

AL	After you, Steve.

(AL TRIPS STEVE UP AS HE STEPS FORWARD)

AL      Oh, Steve, let me help you up.

(AL REACHES DOWN AND JUST GRAB THE SHOE, LEAVING STEVE ON THE FLOOR. HE PRESENTS THEM TO BRANDI)

AL      I got them for you.

(STEVE HURREDLY CLIMBS OVER THE CHAIRS AND KNEELS NEXT TO AL)

STEVE   I helped.

(BRANDI TAKES OFF HER SHOES. THEY EACH PUT A SHOE ON A FOOT)

AL      There you are.

BRANDI	Do you mind if I walk in them?

AL	Well, I'd prefer you dance in them, but it's not mandatory.

(SHE SMILES)

BRANDI	You're so cute.

(SHE PATS THEM ON THE CHEEK. THEY WHIMPER. SHE WALKS. THEY WATCH)

AL	Steve, I know I've seen her before. I just can't place where.

(SHE BENDS OVER)

AL	That's it! Steve, she's a Playmate. From Playboy Magazine. Miss October, 1987.

STEVE	Can't be.

AL	Steve. I may not know the color of my wife's eyes. I don't know my kids' birthdays.
	But I know... I know that's Brandi Brandt. Born 1968. Teeny teeny birthmark, 'round bend
        of left knee. Favorite movie "The Big Bus". Watch this, I'll prove it to you. (TO BRANDI)
        Uh, Miss? Excuse me, aren't you Brandi Brandt. Miss October, 1987?

BRANDI	Why, yes.

(AL AND STEVE GIGGLE EXCITEDLY)

AL	I've always admired your work.

BRANDI	Yeah, it is a lot of work. You know, that shot of me leaning against that truck alone
        took five hours.

STEVE	Oh, I know how you feel. Oh, when I was seven our class had our picture taken on a fire truck.
	It was really big and they let me ring the bell. But when they took the picture my back was
	turned and you couldn't tell it was me. But they made me buy one anyway. (BEAT)
	Can I sit on your lap?

(AL AND BRANDI STARE AT HIM)

BRANDI	I love the shoes. How much?

AL	Well, they're on the house. After all, you made it possible for Steve and I to have sex
	with our wives.


DISSOLVE TO:


ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - LATER THAT DAY

(AL AND STEVE ENTER EXCITEDLY)

STEVE   You really have Brandi's issue of Playboy?

AL	I've got 'em all, Steve. I've been collecting Playboys my whole life. My dad got me started 
        on the hobby. It was my twelfth birthday. We watched Mom Singapore Sling herself into
	oblivion. Then we went into the basement and there, behind the toolbox, was Dad's stash. 
        Oh, the breasts we saw that night. And when Dad died, he gave them all to me. I'll be right
        back. Now, you stay here. Look cool.

(AL EXITS INTO THE BASEMENT. STEVE SITS ON THE COUCH AND BOUNCES EXCITEDLY)

STEVE	(GIGGLING) Ooh, we're going to see to Brandi, we're gonna see Brandi!

(AL STAGGERS IN, AGHAST)

AL	They're gone, Steve. My Playboys. My stable. My women. My life. What could have happened
	to them??

(PEGGY ENTERS HOLDING TUBRO, THE GOOD LUCK CHARM)

PEGGY	Oh, hi, Al. Look, honey, I got a Tubro of my very own. Oh, happy day.

(SHE DANCES AROUND WITH TUBRO)

AL	Uh, Peg. You mind I cut in for a second? Peg, where did you get the money for old Tubro?

PEGGY	I sold your Playboys.

(AL REACTS)

PEGGY	Ohh. Did you want them?

(AL HANGS HIS HEAD. STEVE PATS HIM REASSURINGLY)

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM - A SHORT TIME LATER

(AL AND PEGGY, WITH TUBRO, SIT ON THE COUCH)

PEGGY	Al. You haven't said anything in two hours. How about just a little smile.

(HE TURNS TO HER AND SMILES UNHAPPILY)

PEGGY	Oh, honey. What's the big deal? How was I supposed to know you wanted them? They were 
        just in a box in the basement in chronological order, individually wrapped. What am I,
        a mind reader? Oh, c'mon, Al, rub Tubro. It'll make you feel better.

(AL RUBS TUBRO, THEN CHOKES HIM. PEGGY TAKES IT BACK)

PEGGY	Al! Get your grubby paws offa him. 

(BUD ENTERS FROM UPSTAIRS. UNSEEN BY AL AND PEGGY, HE CLENSHES HIS FISTS WITH  EXCITEMENT AND
 HEADS DOWNSTAIRS)

PEGGY   Don't you know what he can mean to this family? Money, prosperity, happiness. (TO TUBRO)
        Oh, Tubro, You can be the man of the house.

AL	Peg, Tubro will never be the man of the house, because Tubro can't cry. Peg, how could 
        you sell the family Playboys?

PEGGY	Al, You're making a big thing out of something that means nothing to anyone but you.

(BUD STAGGERS UP, HEARTBROKEN. STILL UNSEEN BY THEM, HE SADLY STAGGERS UPSTAIRS, HOLDING THE 
BANISTER FOR SUPPORT. HE EXITS)

AL	Why is it always my stuff? Don't the kids have anything you can get ten cents on the 
        dollar for?

SFX: DOORBELL

(PEGGY CROSSES TO THE DOOR)

PEGGY	I can't steal from my children. They lock their rooms.

(PEGGY OPENS THE DOOR TO MARCY, WHO LOOKS MAD)

MARCY	Al Bundy. You sir, are maggot bits.

AL	Oh, if only a man could have two wives.

PEGGY	What did he do now?

MARCY	Well, Steve and I were having a wonderful intimate encounter. As usual I was humming 
        the battle hymn of the Republic. When suddenly a thumbtack bounced off my head. I looked
        up and found Miss October hanging from the headboard of our marital bed.

(MARCY BRANDISHES THE MISS OCTOBER CENTERFOLD)

AL	(EXCITEDLY) He found the issue.

(HE REACHES FOR THE MAGAZINE. MARCY PULLS IT AWAY)

MARCY	Well, after (CLENCHING HER FIST) "questioning" him... a nauseous, teary Steve admitted
        that this whole thing was Al's perverted idea.

PEGGY	What is it about men? They have perfectly good wives at home, and yet they have to look
        at women like these.

AL	Well, I guess ever now and then a guy who drives a Dodge likes to close his eyes and 
        imagines it's a Ferrari.

PEGGY	Yeah, but what difference would that make to you? You don't know how to drive.

MARCY	(TO AL) Well, from this moment on, you are no longer allowed to play with Steve.
	(INDICATES MAGAZIME) And I never want to see one of these again.

AL	Well, uh, let me take that off your hands.

MARCY	Of course.

(SHE TEARS UP THE CENTERFOLD IN LITTLE BITS, THROWS IT DOWN, JUMPS UP AND DOWN ON IT)

MARCY	Enjoy.

(SHE EXITS. ALL GETS DOWN ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES AND TRIES TO PUT THE PIECES TOGETHER)

PEGGY	Al, do you ever think about other women when we do it?

AL	Nah. (SHOWS HER A PIECE) Peg, is this a nose, a breast or what?

PEGGY	You really don't know, do you? Okay. I can see you're gonna be in a foul mood. So 
        until you're ready to discuss this rationally, I'll be in the kitchen, winning the
        lottery with Tubro.

(PEGGY CROSSES TO THE KITCHEN AND SITS AT THE TABLE. AL STARES AT HER)

AL	What was I thinking? I said "I do". I'd already had sex with her. I didn't need
        that again.

(HE LOOKS OVER AT PEGGY. SHE IS RUBBING TUBRO. SHE CHANTS TO TUBRO)

PEGGY	Okay, come on baby, gimme a good number...
        Chatta chatta. Tubra yumbra.
	Chatta chatta. Tubra yumbra.
        (RUBBING TUBRO ON HER CHEST)
	Chatta chatta. Tubra Yumbra. Chatta chatta. Tubra Yumbra.

AL	Someone help me. Somewhere out there must be somebody who has suffered as much as I
	have. I'm only glad my father didn't live to see my shame.

SFX: TOILET FLUSH

(AL TURNS AROUND AND SEES HIS FATHER. HE ENTERS FROM THE FERGUSON, PAPER UNDER HIS ARM, AND
SITS DOWN NEXT TO AL)

AL	Dad? I thought you were dead.

AL SR.	I thought you were alive.

(HIS DAD PUTS HIS HAND DOWN HIS PANTS)

AL	Gee, Dad. Last time I saw you was at your funeral. You look great.

AL SR.	They make you jog. So how's tricks?

AL	Great.

AL SR.	And how are the kids?

AL	Great.

AL SR.	And how are my Playboys?

AL	You know, don't you?

AL SR.	(SARCASTIC) No, I  care how you and the kids are. How could you let that woman sell 
        our Playboys?

AL	I couldn't stop her.

AL SR.	Y'know, everybody up there is laughing at you.

AL	What do you mean, everybody's laughing at me? Abe Lincoln laughing at me?

AL SR.	(NODS) Abe, Socrates, Moe, Larry, Curley.

AL	The Three Stooges are laughing at me? (BEAT) What about Marilyn Monroe? Is Marilyn 
        laughing at me?

AL SR.	She doesn't even know you're alive.

AL	Look, Dad. You're surrounded by some great minds up there. Doesn't anybody know
	anything about women?

AL SR.	Not a one. Actually, Plato used to have a few theories, but now mostly he just takes
	young boys camping. Look, kid. Nobody really understands anything about women, and nobody
	ever will. But one thing we know. They're the greatest single problem facing theworld 
        today. They must be stopped. You must make a stand. We're counting on you, son.

AL	Everybody in heaven is counting on me?

AL SR.	Yeah. See, we hid from the women and had a meeting. We decided that you have to get her to
	get your Playboys back. The dignity of all men is riding on you.

AL	Look at her, Dad. I can't even get her to give me a piece of cheese.

AL SR.	John Wayne thinks you can do it.

AL	The Duke? The Duke wants me to do it?

AL SR.	He's got a five spot riding on ya.

(AL RISES, HITCHES UP HIS PANTS AND GIVES HIS DAD A THUMBS UP. HIS DAD GIVES IT TO HIM BACK
AND DISAPPEARS. AL CROSSES TO PEGGY. SHE IS STILL RUBBING TUBRO)

AL	Peg. Woman. Pilgrim. Listen up and listen good. Get up, get out, and get my Playboys.

PEGGY	But, Al...

AL	Now!

(HE POINTS TO THE DOOR. SHE HANGS HER HEAD AND WALKS TO THE DOOR. SHE STOPS AT HER COAT)

PEGGY	How am I going to get them?

AL	Don't care. We want our Playboys.

PEGGY	We? Who's we?

AL	Me, and all the guys. All except Plato.

(HE POINTS AGAIN. SHE EXITS SADLY)

PEGGY   Okay.

AL	That felt good. I feel the Duke in me. (CALLS OUT) Young'uns! Get down here right now.

(AL HITCHES UP HIS PANTS AND ADOPTS A JOHN WAYNE-LIKE STANCE. KELLY AND BUD ENTER FROM UPSTAIRS)

BUD	What is it, Dad?

AL	Want my car washed, pronto. (TO KELLY) And you, little filly, are going to cook me a
	man-sized dinner.

(KELLY AND BUD LAUGH)

BUD	What's with him?

KELLY	He's old, and confused.

(THEY EXIT UPSTAIRS)


DISSOLVE TO:


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - LATER THAT NIGHT

(AL IS IN THE KITCHEN PUTTING TANG ON A BREAD. KELLY AND BUD ARE ON THE COUCH)

AL	Okay, who wants a tangwich?

KELLY	We don't like the way you make 'em, Daddy. We like the way Mom makes them. She pinches
	the ends so the orange sand doesn't run out.

AL	Fine. More for me.

(HE TAKES HIS SANDWICH AND CROSSES TO THE COUCH AND SITS WITH THEM)

BUD	When's Mom coming home?

AL	When her task is done. Why?

KELLY	Well, 'cause when we have a problem, we talk to Mom.

AL	Hey, what's the matter? You can't learn from me?

(HE TAKES A BITE OF HIS TANGWICH. THE CRYSTALS POUR OUT ON HIS SHIRT)

AL	Listen, there's nothing that you can ask your mother that you can't ask me. Go ahead 
        shoot.

KELLY	Okay. Well, I'm ovulating and when this happens I get this pinching little cramp. 
        What should I do?

AL	Walk it off. And remember. Next time, stretch before you ov-a-late. Bud?

BUD	(BEAT) Uh. No problems here, Dad.

AL	Good, good. Now, I must parent some more. It's late. I want you both to go straight to bed.

KELLY	Okay, Daddy.

(THEY GET UP AND EXIT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR)

AL	(LOOKS UP) You're not laughin' now, are you?

(PEGGY ENTERS WITH A WHEELBARROW FULL OF AL'S PLAYBOYS. SHE WEARS A LONG LEATHER COAT)

AL	My Playboys! My babies! (SHAKING TANG CRYSTALS OFF HIS CLOTHES) How'd you get them back?

PEGGY	Well, I owe it all to Tubro. Y'see, we were driving around in your car, and ...

AL	Wait a second, Peg. What were you doing in my car?

PEGGY	Oh, Tubro thought it was best. Anyhow, so we're driving around in your car, and I had no 
        idea how to get the money to get your magazines back. So I started to rub Tubro's belly 
        when suddenly, it hit us.

AL	How to get the money?

PEGGY	No. A Mercedes.

AL	What do you mean, Peg? A Mercedes hit my car?

PEGGY	Yeah. But don't worry. I wasn't hurt. Anyway, rather than going through our insurance
        companies, the guy in the car gave me enough money to buy your Playboys back. Aren't you
        proud of me?

AL	Well, wait a second, Peg. How much damage was done to my car?

PEGGY	Oh, lots. But I'm pretty sure you can still drive it. I just think you should leave a 
        little early for work tomorrow, because your car can't turn left anymore. I don't you'd
        want to anyway 'cause you know, there's no door on the side.

AL	(PAINED) But you're okay, right?

PEGGY   Yeah.

AL      Ah, who cares if you're okay, and I can only drive clockwise? I don't care, 'cause I've 
        got my babies back. (OPENS A CENTERFOLD) Look, Peg. Brandi Brandt. Isn't she great?

PEGGY	I don't see what's so hot about her.

AL	Well, you will when she's tacked up on the headboard. (POINTS) Upstairs. Now!

(PEGGY HAPPILY GOES UP, FOLLOWED BY AL)

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO