REGULAR CAST

AL BUNDY ................... ED O'NEILL
PEGGY BUNDY ................ KATEY SAGAL
STEVE RHOADES .............. DAVID GARRISON
MARCY RHOADES .............. AMANDA BEARSE
KELLY BUNDY ................ CHRISTINA APPLEGATE
BUD BUNDY .................. DAVID FAUSTINO
BUCK, THE DOG .............. MIKE, THE DOG

GUEST CAST

YVETTE ..................... MILLA JOVOVICH
MYRON ...................... RICHARD ISRAEL
HANK ....................... GREGG THOMSEN
BOB ........................ DOUGLAS BRYAN JOHNSON


ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. BUNDY KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - MORNING

 (AL, KELLY AND BUD ARE SITTING AT THE KITCHEN TABLE)

AL      Kids, I gotta tell ya, I love the day after Thanksgiving. We've already got that giving
        thanks crap out of the way, and we get to have leftovers. Peg, is it ready yet?

PEGGY   Here it comes!

 (PEGGY BRINGS OVER A PIZZA BOX AND OPENS IT. WE SEE A FEW CRUSTS PLUS SEVERAL SLICES THAT HAVE 
 ALL THE CHEESE AND  TOPPINGS SCRAPED OFF)

KELLY   Y'know, Daddy, that was a great idea last night, to only eat the cheese so we'd have the
        crust for today.

AL      Yeah. I bet a lot of other stupid families ate their whole pizza last night. And today 
        they're probably just looking at the old empty cardboard box.

 (THEY ALL GRAB A SLICE. THEY HOLD THE BARE CRUSTS UP TO GOBBLE, EXCEPT BUD.)

BUD     I can't do it. Dad, I think I speak for us all. This really bites the big one. Why can't
        we have turkey like real people?

PEGGY   Oh, now, Bud. It's not like your father's a doctor, or a lawyer, or a... or a bathroom 
        attendant, or a circus geek. He's just a shoe salesman, doing the best he can.

AL      Okay, Peg. I think we get the message here. Obviously, this is the fault of the only one
        here who works around here. That would be... let's see... 

 (HE POINTS AROUND THE TABLE, THEN COMES BACK TO HIMSELF)

AL      ... well goldarn it, it's me! Well, what the heck. I'll quit. Then we'll be a-eatin', won't we?

PEGGY   Oh, honey, nobody wants you to quit. We all appreciate what you do for this family.

 (PEGGY, KELLY AND BUD LAUGH. PEGGY BANGS THE TABLE, JOYOUS WITH LAUGHTER. AS THEY LAUGH, KELLY
 TRIES TO STEAL BUD'S CRUST. HE SMACKS HER HAND)

BUD     Well, we might as well face the facts. This food thing isn't going to go away. We've got
        to get some money. There's got to be something here we can sell.

KELLY   How about Mom's engagement ring?

AL      Kelly! Now, that ring is a symbol of our love. (NERVOUSLY) We could we never put a price
        on that.

PEGGY   That's right, honey. Like they say, glass is forever.

AL      Hey...

PEGGY   Oh, come on, Al. I had it appraised the day after our wedding. Remember when you were
        "resting"? It was a big day for mommy, honey.

AL      Yeah. It was the last day of rest for Daddy.

 (BUD CROSSES TO THE KITCHEN COUNTER)

BUD     What about Kelly's school books? (BLOWS OFF A LOT DUST) We could sell these.

KELLY   Oh, yeah. My English book. Oh, I ain't got no use for that.

PEGGY   Honey, these school books are very important to your future. Oh, who am I kidding? Let's 
        see what condition they're in.

 (LEAFS THROUGH THE BOOK. SEVERAL PIECES OF PAPER FALL OUT)

AL      Well, let's see. What have we got here? What's this?. (READING) "Detention, detention, 
        expulsion..." Oh here's something interesting. "Host a foreign exchange student. Receive
        five hundred dollars a month expenses." That's what we'll do, Peg. We'll get us one of 
        those five hundred dollar foreigners.

PEGGY   Gee, I don't know, honey. We don't have much room. Where are they gonna sleep?

AL      Well, what's the garage for?

KELLY   (EXCITEDLY) I know. I know. It's for the car.

AL      We'll move it to the side.

BUD     But it's freezing in there, Dad.

AL      Hey, I didn't say we should sleep the garage!

 (THEY ALL LAUGH)


DISSOLVE TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - A FEW DAYS LATER

 (BUD AND KELLY ARE LOOKING OUTSIDE. AL AND PEGGY ARE ON THE COUCH)

KELLY   I wonder when little Yvette (PRONOUNCED "WHY-VETTE") will get here?

BUD     Uhh, Kelly, I believe her name is pronounced "Yvette". 

KELLY   I was pronouncing it in English.

BUD     Oh man. What a break getting a seventeen-year-old French babe. Oh, the times we'll have. 

(WIPES A TEAR AWAY)

KELLY   Don't go boinging around the house just yet, toad boy. Frenchie's all mine. At last I'll
        have like a real sister. A real girl. Not just a boy trapped in a pimple's body.

 (SHE PATS BUD ON THE HEAD)

KELLY   It'll be great. I can teach her about American guys, and she can help me by carrying my
        school supplies. You know, like my music, my walkman, my overnight bag... my make-up...

BUD     The red light bulb that goes over your head.

KELLY   Oh, You mean like when I get an idea?

(BUD GIVES KELLY A PAT ON THE SHOULDER)

PEGGY   Al, do you think we should have picked Yvette up at the bus station?

AL      Oh, I hate the bus stations. Vagrants, winos... those people there would cut your throat
        for a nickel.

BUD     I think I see someone. She's dragging her trunk down the street.

PEGGY   Al, give her a hand.

 (AL GOES TO THE DOOR AND YELLS OUT)

AL      Hey. Over here.

 (AL SHUTS THE DOOR)

AL      Oh, it's gettin' cold out there.

 (THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. BUD OPENS IT TO REVEAL YVETTE. SHE IS WEARING AN OVERCOAT WITH
 SNOW ON IT, AND A PLAIN WOOLEN SKI CAP)

YVETTE  Hello, My name is Yvette.

(PEGGY TROTS OVER TO HER)
 
PEGGY   Hello, welcome to our country. We have so many quesions to ask you. Umm, what's your 
        country like? Uh, how was your trip? Where's our money?

 (BUD STEPS BETWEEN THEM AND TAKES YVETTE ASIDE)

BUD     I apologize for ze animals. I'm Bud Bundy, your love interest. And this is Mom and Dad.

KELLY   And I'm Kelly. You'll be going to school with me, so if there's a hiney to be kissed
        around here, it's mine.

YVETTE  Oh my, you are so attractive. Are all American girls as beautiful as you?

KELLY   In their dreams.

YVETTE  Well, I am so happy to be in Chicago, err, land of the Cubs and the big wind.

(AL AND PEGGY ARE GOING THROUGH YVETTE'S SUITCASE)

PEGGY   (ACCUSINGLY) Al!

AL      Oh, it wasn't me!

YVETTE  I would love to talk for hours, but uh, I'm cold and tired. Err, where will I be sleeping?

BUD     My room is this way. The left side of the bed is for you.

KELLY   That's because he wets to the right.

PEGGY   (FORCES A LAUGH) Now, kids. No, honey. You'll be sleeping in our guest room, next to the
        car.

(PEGGY STARTS GOING THROUGH YVETTE'S PURSE)

AL      Now, it's a little chilly in there. Don't worry about it. We're gonna try to get that garage
        door down real soon.

(PEGGY PRODUCES THE MONEY)

PEGGY   Got it. Five hundred dollars.

 (THE BUNDYS GO FOR THEIR COATS)

YVETTE  Well, I've had a long flight, and a long walk from downtown, so I'm a little hungry. Do
        you think I could have a little bite to...

 (THE BUNDYS EXIT WITH THE CHECK, AD-LIBBING GREED TALK. YVETTE REACTS)


DISSOLVE TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - NEXT DAY

 (A STUDENT THROWS A CAN AT THE BIN AND DELIBERATELY MISSES. ANOTHER STUDENT TRIPS UP A NERD.
 KELLY AND YVETTE ENTER. BOYS' HEADS TURN TO KELLY AS THEY PASS. YVETTE WEARS THE SAME HAT AND COAT
 SHE ARRIVED IN)

KELLY   And this is the hall where my locker is.

YVETTE  Uh, Kelly. Er, we've been at school for hours. Will we be going in a classroom today?

KELLY   Look. Do you want to see how it's done in America, or what?

YVETTE  I'm sorry. What happens next?

KELLY   Well, first, we'll meet some boys.

YVETTE  Uh, how do we do that?

 (KELLY GIVES A SMUG LOOK, THEN TAKES OFF HER COAT. BOYS RUSH OVER, WALLAING "HI, KELLY", THEN
 THEY ARGUE OVER WHO GETS TO TAKE HER OUT. KELLY GOES TO YVETTE)

YVETTE  Oh, you are so popular.

KELLY   Yeah, I'm kinda like the Beatles of the twentieth century. Now, do what I did.

YVETTE  Oh No. I'm far too shy.

KELLY   Go ahead. Maybe you'll get one.

 (YVETTE SHRUGS, TAKES A DEEP BREATH, THEN REMOVES HER HAT AND LETS DOWN HER HAIR. IT IS 
 BEAUTIFUL. SHE TAKES OFF HER COAT. SHE WEARS A TEENY MINI SKIRT. THE BOYS STOP FIGHTING OVER 
 KELLY. THEY PUSH HER ASIDE TO GET TO YVETTE. KELLY IS SLAMMED INTO A LOCKER AS THEY FLOCK AROUND
 YVETTE. KELLY LOOKS WORRIED)

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. BUNDY KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - THAT EVENING

 (THE BUNDYS ARE FEASTING. BUCK IS ENJOYING A FULL PLATE OF HIS OWN. AL PUTS KETCHUP ON A BIG STEAK.
 KELLY DOENS'T EAT AT ALL. AL HOLDS UP HIS FORKED STEAK)

AL      A toast to the French. It's a foul little country but they sure do know how write a check,
        don't they?

(PEGGY AND BUD LAUGH WITH APPROVAL)

PEGGY   Kelly, honey, aren't you gonna eat your dinner?

KELLY   I'm not hungry.

 (THEY ALL GRAB HER FOOD)

KELLY   What's wrong, you ask? Well, I'm socially dead. Yesterday's girl. A Bud.

 (THEY SNORT MORE FOOD)

KELLY   Why, you ask? Okay, well I'll tell you. 'Cause the little French poodle that you all love is
        taking all my action. Oh, Daddy. What's a washed-up has-been supposed to do?

 (AL, EATING, INDICATES PEGGY)

KELLY   (TO PEGGY) Mom. What kind of a guys will I wind up with when no one wants me?

 (PEGGY, EATING, INDICATES AL)

KELLY   Oh, no.

BUD     Ah, come on, Kell. So Yvette makes you look like day old eggs. So what? There's still 
        hope for you. Why, you could be a coat rack. An ash tray. A speed bump.

AL      Listen to your brother.

SFX: DOORBELL

 (AL AND PEGGY, EATING, INDICATE THE DOOR TO KELLY)

KELLY   Sure. I have no life. I'll get it. Maybe it's someone from the future geeks of America
        wanting me to join.

 (KELLY OPENS THE DOOR. MARCY AND STEVE LEAN IN)

KELLY   Yup, it's the founders.

STEVE   Hi, Kelly. Uh, Peggy. May we talk to you for a second?

 (THEY SIGNAL PEGGY TO COME OVER. PEGGY PUTS THE CHICKEN IN HER MOUTH, ANOTHER ON HER PLATE AND
 CROSSES TO THEM. AL AND BUD TRY TO GET HER FOOD AS SHE GOES)

PEGGY   Uh?

STEVE   Uhh, Peggy, we don't know how to tell you this...

MARCY   Well, I do, Steve. Peggy, Al has a young girl living in your garage. We saw her last
        night, burning leaves for warmth in your driveway. The pig didn't even have the decency
        to set her up in an apartment.

STEVE   Well, it's not that easy, Marcy. You've got to buy money orders under a different name to
        pay the rent. Then... where do you keep the extra key? Just try to get a phone with an
        alias these days.

 (MARCY STARES AT HIM)

STEVE   Not that I've ever given it much thought.

MARCY   Well, anyway, here are some pictures of her we took. And the name of a good divorce
        attorney. I'm sorry we had to be the ones to tell you this.

 (STEVE AND MARCY GIGGLE TO EACH OTHER)

PEGGY   Look, I know all about it. She's just a foreign exchange student that's living here.
        And other than having to honk when we want to get out of the garage, she's really been 
        no problem at all.

KELLY   Yeah, no problem for anyone but little me.

MARCY   Oh, what's the matter, Kelly?

BUD     Oh, it's just that Yvette is dating all her boyfriends and Kelly has the social life of a
        barn owl.

PEGGY   (TO STEVE AND MARCY) Kelly's a little depressed. Could you handle this? We're eating.

 (PEGGY RETURNS TO THE TABLE. MARCY WALKS OVER TO KELLY)

MARCY   Ohh, now Kelly. You mustn't worry over this. You may find this hard to believe, but I 
        myself wasn't popular in school.

KELLY   The Hell you say.

MARCY   No. It's true. I couldn't get a date with a cool guy no matter how much I put out. I
        mean, tried. So I finally started dating a nerd.

(STEVE LAUGHS NERDISHLY. MARY AND KELLY SIT ON THE COUCH)

STEVE   You dated a nerd?

MARCY   Yes. His name was.. (GLANCES AT STEVE) ... well, his name isn't important. My friends
        couldn't believe I had sunk so low. Boy, did they laugh when I let him take me to the
        Homecoming Dance.

STEVE   Wait a second. I took you to the homecoming Dance.

MARCY   That's right. You did. (TO KELLY) Anyway, we went on dating and I endured the laughter
        and the ridicule, and I came to marry... well, his name isn't important. The point is,
        yesterday's nerd can grow up to be a wonderful and giving man. So if all you can get is
        a nerd, I say, try one. (PROUD) I did.

 (SHE PUTS HER ARM AROUND STEVE)

STEVE   Hey, wait a minute. (THROWS MARCY'S ARM OFF HIM) I know who you're talking about. Let
        me tell you something. You think you heard laughter? Well, when I was dating you I had
        a few some milk bones slipped into my pocket. 

MARCY   I was pretty. My mother told me so.

STEVE   Compared to your mother, you were.

 (KELLY ESCORTS THEM OUT ARGUING)

MARCY   So now you don't like my mother?

STEVE   What's not to like? A sixty year old woman who played the drums?

MARCY   Nerd.

STEVE   Geek girl.

 (KELLY SHUTS THE DOOR ON THEM)

KELLY   So that's my future?

BUD     Well, that and forty pounds.

KELLY   Never. I'll never sink so low as to date a nerd. I may not have much, but at least I
        have my pride.


FLIP TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - NEXT NIGHT

 (KELLY ENTERS WITH MYRON, A NERD WHO WAS HER DATE. THERE IS A DARK STAIN ON HER BLOUSE)

MYRON   It's been an illuminating evening, Ms. Bundy. I'm sorry I spilled my prune juice on your
        blouse.

KELLY   Yeah, and I'm sorry I punched you in the pelvis.

MYRON   Perhaps I can have the pleasure of your company again next Friday. The museum is having a
        quite interesting exhibit on the ever-changing Mollusk.

KELLY   Well, only if you wear your green pencil pouch.

MYRON   (PROUD) It turns 'em all on.

 (YVETTE ENTERS WITH TWO HUNKS, HANK AND ANOTHER GUY. THEY ARE VERY AFFECTIONATE. YVETTE KISSES
 EACH GUY ON THE CHEEK)

YVETTE  Well, I had a great time guys, but I gotta run.

 (SHE KISSES HER FINGER AND TOUCHES IT TO THEIR FACES. SHE DISMISSES THEM AND SHUTS THE DOOR)

MYRON   Kelly, you know what would make this the perfect evening?

KELLY   (SIGHS) Oh what, Myron?

MYRON   If Yvette would kiss me goodnight.

 (KELLY PULLS OUT HIS PEN HOLDER AND STOMPS ON IT. HE PULLS OUT A GREEN ONE AND PUTS IT IN HIS
 POCKET)

MYRON   You just blew a good thing, baby.

 (HE LOOKS YVETTE UP AND DOWN AND EXITS)

YVETTE  Oh my, I'm so tired. Thank goodness you taught me how to sleep at school. So, how was 
        your date with Le Grand Geek?

KELLY   Well, we sat around with his parents and they showed me slides of their vacation at the
        Ticonderoga Pencil Factory. You know, the number two pencil is the backbone of the industry.

YVETTE  Oh. That's very fascinating.

KELLY   No it isn't. It's the prattle of the dead. Listen, Yvette, we really to discuss...

YVETTE  I would love to talk to my little American sister, but my next date will be here any
        moment. Uh, he told me I could wear your leather mini. You don't mind, do you? I mean, you
        are in for the evening, no?

 (KELLY REACTS)

YVETTE  Thanks.

 (YVETTE LOOKS SMUG AND EXITS UPSTAIRS. SHE CROSSES BUD ON THE WAY DOWN. SHE SMILES AT HIM. HE
 LOOKS AT HER APPRECIATIVELY AND COMES DOWNSTAIRS. HE CARRIES A PAPER BAG. HE HUMS HAPPILY. HE
 PASSES KELLY AS HE HEADS FOR THE WALL NEAR THE GARAGE)

BUD     Hi, Grandma. Oops! Sorry, Kell. Must've been the way the light hit your crow's feet.

 (BUD PACES OFF A DISTANCE ON THE WALL, THEN TAKES DRILL OUT OF THE BAG, PUT ON PROTECTIVE GLASSES
 AND STARTS DRILLING HOLES IN THE WALL. KELLY APPROACHES HIM)

KELLY   Bud, what are you doing?

BUD     Building a home entertainment center.

 (HE DRILLS)

KELLY   Bud, I need your help. I'm desperate.

BUD     No, you're not. Desperate still implies hope.

KELLY   You wouldn't want to help me get rid of Yvette, would you?

 (BUD LAUGHS)

KELLY   Well, I can't take this anymore. I'll have to do it myself.

(BUD STOPS DRILLING)

BUD     Kelly, I say this with all sincerity. If you truly, truly want to get rid of her... I'll
        kill you. I really will. This is not a joke. Dead.

 (BUD RESUMES DRILLING. YVETTE COMES DOWNSTAIRS. SHE WEARS A LEATHER MINI)

YVETTE  Uhh, Bud, what are you doing?

BUD     (GUILTY) Uh, I'm giving you some ventilation. So heat can get through.

YVETTE  Oh, it's all right, Bud. I don't care if you peep.

BUD     (SOTTO TO KELLY) Yeah. I'll give that up. The day they pry her from my cold, dead hand.

 (HE EXITS)

YVETTE  What a cute little fellow.

KELLY   He's toilet film.

 (YVETTE STARTS OUT)

YVETTE  Au revoir.

 (AL AND PEGGY ENTER WITH FOOD. AL IS EATING A BURGER)

AL      Excuse me, young lady, but where do you think you're going?

YVETTE  On a date.

PEGGY   Oh, no you're not. I got a call from the principal today and t seems you're failing all
        your subjects. We just can't have that.

KELLY   (HOPEFULLY) I'm failing, too.

AL      Uh, Kelly, please. We're talking to Yvette.

PEGGY   He didn't mean that, dear. You have to study too. I suppose. But if she fails she has to
        go back home.

AL      And we're out five hundred bucks a month.

PEGGY   We're responsible for you education. You know, and if there's one thing we are, it's 
        responsible parents.

 (AL SNAPS PEGGY'S BRA. SHE GIGGLES)

PEGGY   Ohh, Stop that, Al.

AL      I can't help it. I'm giddy. It must be from all this darn eatin'. Come here!

 (HE TICKLES HER BUTT ON THE WAY UPSTAIRS. SHE PROTESTS GIGGLING)

YVETTE  Well, I guess we better study.

KELLY   I'd love to, but I have to go dust off my accordian for school tomorrow. I've got my
        eye on the big fat tuba player.

 (KELLY HEADS UPSTAIRS)

YVETTE  Oh, please, Kelly, you have to help me. I'll beg someone to go out with you.

 (KELLY REACTS)

YVETTE  If I fail I'll have to go back to France. And I'll have to give up all your boyfriends.

 (KELLY SMILES AND TURNS BACK)

KELLY   Listen, Yvette. There's no point in us both staying home. Go out. Have a good time. I'll 
        study and when we take the test, you can copy off me.

 (SHE SMILES EVILLY)

YVETTE  Oh, you would do that for me?

 (KELLY PUTS HER ARM AROUND YVETTE)

KELLY   Ohh. What are little American sisters for?


DISSOLVE TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

INT. BUNDY KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - LATER THAT WEEK - NIGHT

 (AL, PEGGY, KELLY AND BUD ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE. THEY ARE EATING PIZZA. BUCK STARES AT A
 CRUST OF PIZZA IN FRONT OF HIM)

PEGGY   Okay. Who wants seconds on crust?

 (KELLY RAISES HER HAND)

AL      I can't believe it. Yvette flunked every subject. She even flunked French. She must be
        the stupidest girl in the world.

KELLY   Well, I'm the stupidest girl in America.

AL      We know you are, pumpkin. But we're talking about something important now.

PEGGY   Honey, you're important too. Just not as important as five hundred bucks. oh, Al, now 
        they'll never give us another exchange student.

BUD     Yeah, I never got to use my holes.

KELLY   What about me? I lost a sister. I'm hurting too.

(KELLY GIGGLES TO HERSELF)

SFX: HORN HONKING

KELLY   Oops. My dates are here. (MISPRONOUNCED) Au revoir!

 (SHE EXITS HAPPILY)

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO