SEPTEMBER 28, 1989



Executive Producers
Michael G. Moye
Ron Leavitt

Supervising Producers
Arthur Silver
Katherine Green

Producers
Marcy Vosburgh & Sandy Sprung

Producer
Ellen L. Fogle

Co-Producer
Barbara Cramer

Directed By
Gerry Cohen

Written By
Al Aidekman

SHOW: #0406
TAPE: 9/29/89
AIR: N/A

AN ELP COMMUNICATIONS PRODUCTION


CAST

AL BUNDY ................... ED O'NEILL
PEGGY BUNDY ................ KATEY SAGAL
STEVE RHOADES .............. DAVID GARRISON
MARCY RHOADES .............. AMANDA BEARSE
KELLY BUNDY ................ CHRISTINA APPLEGATE
BUD BUNDY .................. DAVID FAUSTINO
BUCK, THE DOG .............. MIKE, THE DOG
YVETTE ..................... MILLA JOVOVICH
MYRON ...................... RICHARD ISRAEL
HANK ....................... GREGG THOMSEN
BOB ........................ DOUGLAS BRYAN JOHNSON


ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. BUNDY KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - MORNING

 (AL, KELLY AND BUD ARE SITTING AT THE KITCHEN TABLE)

AL      Kids, I gotta tell ya, I love the day after Thanksgiving. We've already got that giving
        thanks crap out of the way, and we get to have leftovers. Is it ready, Peg?

PEGGY   Here it comes.

 (PEGGY BRINGS OVER A PIZZA BOX. SHE PUTS IT ON THE TABLE AND OPENS IT. WE SEE A FEW CRUSTS PLUS
 SEVERAL SLICES THAT HAVE ALL THE CHEESE AND MOST OF THE TOMATO SCRAPED OFF)

KELLY   Daddy, that was a great idea, last night, to only eat the cheese so we'd have the crust
        for today.

AL      Yeah. I bet a lot of stupid families ate their whole pizza last night, and they're
        staring at the old cardboard box today.

 (THEY ALL GRAB A SLICE. THEY HOLD THE BARE CRUSTS UP TO GOBBLE. THEN)

BUD     I can't do it. Dad, I think I speak for us all. This really bites the big one. Why can't
        we have turkey like real people?

PEGGY   Now, Bud. It's not as if Daddy is a doctor, a lawyer, a bathroom attendant, or a circus
        geek. He's just a shoe salesman, doing the best he can.

AL      Thanks, Peg. I think we get the message. Obviously, this is the fault of the only person
        here who works. That would be... let's see... 

 (HE POINTS AROUND THE TABLE, THEN COMES BACK TO HIMSELF)

AL      ... goldarn it, it's me. Well, what the heck. I'll quit. Then we'll be a eatin', huh?

PEGGY   Oh, Al, nobody wants you to quit. We all appreciate what you do for the family.

 (PEGGY, KELLY AND BUD LAUGH. PEGGY BANGS THE TABLE, JOYOUS WITH LAUGHTER. AS THEY LAUGH, KELLY
 TRIES TO STEAL BUD'S CRUST. HE SMACKS HER HAND)

BUD     Well, we might as well face facts. This food thing isn't going to go away. We've got to
        come up with some money. There's got to be something here we can sell.

KELLY   How about Mom's engagement ring?

AL      (NERVOUSLY) Uh, no, Kelly. That ring is a symbol of our love. I mean, how could we put a
        price on that?

PEGGY   It's true, kids. Like they say, glass is forever.

AL      Hey...

PEGGY   Oh, come on, Al. I had it appraised the day after our wedding. Y'know, when you were
        "resting". It was a big day for mommy, kids.

AL      Well, like I said, it's a symbol of our love.

 (BUD CROSSES TO THE KITCHEN COUNTER)

BUD     What about Kelly's school books? We could sell them.

KELLY   Oh, yeah. My English book. I ain't got no use for that.

PEGGY   Kelly, dear, these school books are important to your future. Oh, who am I kidding?
        You'll be a waitress in a bowling alley. Let's see what condition they're in.

 (LEAFS THROUGH THE BOOK. SEVERAL PIECES OF PAPER FALL OUT)

AL      What are these? Let's see. (READING) "Detention, detention, detention..." Here's
        something interesting. "Host a foreign exchange student. Receive five hundred dollars a
        month expenses." That's what we'll do, Peg. We'll get us one of those five hundred dollar
        foreigners.

PEGGY   I don't know, Al. We don't have much room. Where would they sleep?

AL      What's the garage for?

KELLY   (EXCITEDLY) I know. I know. It's for the car.

AL      We'll move it to the side.

BUD     It's freezing in there, Dad.

AL      Hey, I'm not saying we should sleep there.

 (THEY ALL LAUGH)

AL      Then, it's settled. We'll call this number and give some poor foreigner all the
        advantages of Bundyhood. It feels good to do something for someone else, doesn't it?

 (THEY NOD)

AL      C'mon, let's go buy a lock for the fridge.

 (THEY START OUT)


DISSOLVE TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - A FEW DAYS LATER

 (BUD AND KELLY ARE LOOKING OUTSIDE. AL AND PEGGY ARE ON THE COUCH)

KELLY   I wonder when little Yvette (PRONOUNCED "WHY-VETTE") will get here?

BUD     Kelly, I believe her name is pronounced "Yvette". What a break getting a seventeen-year-
        old French babe. Oh, the times we'll have. (WIPES A TEAR AWAY)

KELLY   Don't go boinging around the house just yet, toad boy. Frenchie's all mine. At last I'll
        have like a real sister. A real girl. Not just a boy trapped in a pimple's body.

 (SHE PATS BUD ON THE HEAD)

KELLY   It'll be great. I'll teach her about American guys, and she can help me by carrying my
        school supplies. My tapes, my walkman...

BUD     The red light bulb that goes over your head.

KELLY   You mean like when I get an idea?

PEGGY   Al, do you think we should have picked Yvette up at the bus station?

AL      Nah. I hate the bus station. Vagrants, winos... there are people there who would cut your
        throat for a nickel.

PEGGY   Wow. I hope she doesn't panic and give them our five hundred dollars.

BUD     I think I see someone. She's dragging her trunk down the street.

PEGGY   Al, give her a hand.

 (AL GOES TO THE DOOR AND YELLS OUT)

AL      Hey. Over here.

 (WE HEAR THE SOUNDS OF A TRUNK THUMPING)

SFX: TRUNK THUMPING

 (AL SHUTS THE DOOR)

AL      Whoa, it's gettin' cold out there.

 (THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR. AL OPENS IT TO REVEAL YVETTE. SHE IS WEARING AN OVERCOAT WITH
 SNOW ON IT, AND A PLAIN WOOLEN SKI CAP)

YVETTE  Hello, I am Yvette, your...

PEGGY   Good for you, honey. Where's out money?

 (BUD STEPS BETWEEN THEM)

BUD     I apologize for ze animals. I'm Bud Bundy, your love interest. This is Mom and Dad.

KELLY   And I'm Kelly. You'll be going to school with me, so if there's a hiney to be kissed
        around here, it's mine.

YVETTE  My, you are so attractive. Are all American girls as beautiful as you?

KELLY   In their dreams.

YVETTE  Well, I am so happy to be in Chicago, land of the Cubs and the big wind.

PEGGY   (ACCUSINGLY) Al!

AL      It wasn't me.

YVETTE  I would love to talk for hours, but I am tired, and cold. Where will I be sleeping?

BUD     My room is this way. The left side of the bed is for you.

KELLY   That's because he wets to the right.

PEGGY   (FORCES A LAUGH) Those kids. No, dear. You'll be sleeping in our guest room, next to the
        car.

AL      Now, it may be a little chilly. But we'll try to get that garage door down real soon.

YVETTE  I am touched by your generosity.

 (PEGGY IS GOING THROUGH YVETTE'S PURSE. SHE PULLS OUT A CHECK)

PEGGY   Got it. Here's the five hundred.

 (THE BUNDYS GO FOR THEIR COATS)

YVETTE  Well, I've had a long flight, and a long walk from downtown, so I'm a little hungry. Do
        you think I could have a little bite to... eat.

 (THE BUNDYS EXIT WITH THE CHECK, AD-LIBBING GREED TALK. YVETTE REACTS)


DISSOLVE TO:

ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY - NEXT DAY

 (KELLY AND YVETTE ENTER. BOYS' HEADS TURN TO KELLY, AND SHE WAVES TO THE ADORING THRONGS AS THEY
 PASS. YVETTE WEARS THE SAME HAT AND COAT SHE ARRIVED IN)

KELLY   And this is the hall where my locker is.

YVETTE  Uh, Kelly. We've been at school for hours. Will we be going in a classroom today?

KELLY   Look. Do you want to see how it's done in America, or what?

YVETTE  I'm sorry. What happens next?

KELLY   Well, first, we'll meet some boys.

YVETTE  How do we do that?

 (KELLY GIVES A SMUG LOOK, THEN TAKES OFF HER COAT. BOYS RUSH OVER, WALLAING "HI, KELLY", THEN
 THEY ARGUE OVER WHO GETS TO TAKE HER OUT. KELLY GOES TO YVETTE)

YVETTE  You are so popular.

KELLY   Yeah, I'm sorta like the Beatles of the twentieth century. Now, do what I did.

YVETTE  No. I'm far too shy.

KELLY   Go ahead. Maybe you'll get one.

 (YVETTE SHRUGS, TAKES A DEEP BREATH, THEN REMOVES HER HAT AND LETS DOWN HER HAIR. IT IS 
 BEAUTIFUL. SHE TAKES OFF HER COAT. SHE WEARS A TEENY MINI SKIRT. THE BOYS STOP FIGHTING OVER 
 KELLY. THEY PUSH HER ASIDE TO GET TO YVETTE. KELLY IS SLAMMED INTO A LOCKER AS THEY FLOCK AROUND
 YVETTE. KELLY LOOKS WORRIED)

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

FADE IN:

INT. BUNDY KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - THAT EVENING

 (THE BUNDYS ARE FEASTING. BUCK IS ENJOYING A FULL PLATE OF HIS OWN. AL HAS AN ENTIRE STEAK ON
 HIS FORK. KELLY JUST PICKS AT HER FOOD. AL HOLDS UP HIS FORKED STEAK)

AL      To the French. It's a foul little country but they sure can write a check, can't they?

 (HE DRAGS THE STEAK THROUGH A POOL OF KETCHUP. PEGGY SNORTS AS SHE EATS AN ENTIRE CHICKEN)

PEGGY   Kelly, aren't you gonna eat your dinner?

KELLY   I'm not hungry.

 (THEY ALL GRAB HER FOOD)

KELLY   What's wrong, you ask? Well, I'm socially dead. Yesterday's girl. A Bud.

 (THEY SNORT MORE FOOD)

KELLY   Why, you ask? Okay, I'll tell you. It's cause the little French poodle you all love is
        taking all my action. Oh, Daddy. What's a washed-up has-been supposed to do?

 (AL, EATING, INDICATES PEGGY)

KELLY   (TO PEGGY) Mom. What kind of a guy will I wind up with when no one wants me?

 (PEGGY INDICATES AL. KELLY LOOKS AT AL, GORGING HIMSELF)

KELLY   Oh, no.

BUD     Oh, come on, Kell. So Yvette makes you look like day old eggs. So what? There's still 
        hope for you. Why, you could be a coat rack. An ash tray. A speed bump.

AL      Listen to your brother.

SFX: DOORBELL

 (AL AND PEGGY INDICATE THE DOOR TO KELLY, GOING "AGNH" AND "HIBBIT", "HIBBIT")

KELLY   Sure. I have no life. I'll get it. Maybe it's someone from the future geeks of America
        wanting me to join.

 (KELLY OPENS THE DOOR. MARCY AND STEVE ENTER)

KELLY   Yup, it's the founders.

STEVE   Hi, Kelly. Uh, Peggy. Can we talk to you for a second?

 (THEY SIGNAL PEGGY TO COME OVER. PEGGY PUTS THE CHICKEN IN HER MOUTH, ANOTHER ON HER PLATE AND
 CROSSES TO THEM)

PEGGY   Uh?

STEVE   Peggy, we didn't know how to tell you this...

MARCY   Well, I do, Steve. Peggy, Al has a young girl living in your garage. We saw her last
        night, burning leaves for warmth in your driveway. The pig didn't even have the decency
        to set her up in an apartment.

STEVE   Well, it's not that easy, Marcy. You've got to buy money orders under a different name to
        pay the rent. Then where do you keep the extra key. And just try to get a phone with an
        alias these days.

 (MARCY STARES AT HIM)

STEVE   Not that I've given it much thought.

MARCY   Well, anyways, here are some pictures of her we took. And the name of a good divorce
        attorney. Sorry we had to be the ones to tell you.

 (STEVE AND MARCY GIGGLE TO EACH OTHER)

PEGGY   Oh, I know all about it. She's just a foreign exchange student we're letting live here.
        And except for having to honk when we back out of the garage, she's been no problem at
        all.

KELLY   Oh, yeah. No problem for anyone but little me.

MARCY   What's the matter, Kelly?

BUD     Oh, it's just that Yvette is dating all her boyfriends and Kelly has the social life of a
        barn owl.

PEGGY   (TO STEVE AND MARCY) My daughter's a little depressed. Could you handle this? We're
        eating.

 (PEGGY RETURNS TO THE TABLE. STEVE, MARCY AND KELLY SIT ON THE COUCH)

MARCY   You mustn't worry over this, Kelly. You may find this hard to believe, but I myself
        wasn't popular in school.

KELLY   The Hell you say.

MARCY   No. It's true. I couldn't get a date with a cool guy no matter how much I put out. I
        mean, tried. So I finally started dating a nerd.

STEVE   (LAUGHS) You dated a nerd?

MARCY   Yes. His name was.. (GLANCES AT STEVE) ... well, his name isn't important. My friends
        couldn't believe I had sunk that low. Boy, did they laugh when I let him take me to the
        Homecoming Dance.

STEVE   Wait a second. I took you to the homecoming Dance.

MARCY   That's right. You did. (TO KELLY) Anyway, we went on dating and I endured the laughter
        and the ridicule, and I came to marry... well, his name isn't important. The point is,
        that yesterday's nerd can grow up to be a wonderful, giving man. So if all you can get is
        a nerd, I say, try one. (PROUD) I did.

 (SHE PUTS HER ARM AROUND STEVE)

STEVE   Hey, wait a minute. I know who you're talking about. Well, let me tell you something. You
        think you heard laughter. Well, I had some milk bones slipped in my pocket when I was
        dating you, too. It was a real thrill for me showing up with you at the Chess Club
        Victory Ball.

MARCY   I was pretty. My mother told me so.

STEVE   Compared to your mother, you were.

 (KELLY ESCORTS THEM OUT ARGUING)

MARCY   So now you don't like my mother?

STEVE   What's not to like? A sixty year old woman who played the drums?

MARCY   Nerd.

STEVE   Geek girl.

 (THEY EXIT)

KELLY   So that's my future?

BUD     Well, that and forty pounds.

KELLY   Never. I'll never sink so low as to date a nerd. I may not have much, but I've got my
        pride.


FLIP TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

INT. BUNDY LIVING ROOM/KITCHEN - NEXT NIGHT

 (KELLY ENTERS WITH MYRON, A NERD WHO WAS HER DATE. THERE IS A DARK STAIN ON HER BLOUSE)

MYRON   It's been an illuminating evening, Ms. Bundy. I'm sorry I spilled my prune juice on your
        blouse.

KELLY   And I'm sorry I punched you in the pelvis.

MYRON   Perhaps I can have the pleasure of your company again next Friday. The museum is having a
        quite interesting exhibit on the ever-changing Mollusk.

KELLY   Only if you wear your green pencil pouch.

MYRON   (PROUD) It turns 'em all on.

 (YVETTE ENTERS WITH TWO HUNKS, HANK AND ANOTHER GUY. THEY ARE VERY AFFECTIONATE. THEY CONTINUE
 KISSING AS MYRON AND KELLY STAND AWKWARDLY. YVETTE AND THE GUYS FINALLY BREAK)

YVETTE  Well, I had a great time guys, but I gotta run.

 (SHE KISSES HER FINGER AND TOUCHES IT TO THEIR NOSES. THEY SIGH AND EXIT)

MYRON   Kelly, you know what would make this the perfect evening?

KELLY   (SIGHS) What, Myron?

MYRON   If Yvette would kiss me goodnight.

 (KELLY PULLS OUT HIS PEN HOLDER AND STOMPS ON IT. HE PULLS OUT A GREEN ONE AND PUTS IT IN HIS
 POCKET)

MYRON   You just blew a good thing, baby.

 (HE LOOKS YVETTE UP AND DOWN AND EXITS)

YVETTE  I am so tired. Thank goodness you taught me how to sleep at school. So, how was your date
        with Le Grand Geek?

KELLY   We sat around with his parents and they showed me slides of their vacation at the
        Ticonderoga Pencil Factory. The number two pencil is the backbone of the industry.

YVETTE  That's fascinating.

KELLY   It is not! It's the prattle of the dead. Listen, Yvette. I think we need to discuss...

YVETTE  I would love to talk to my little American sister, but my next date will be here at any
        moment. He told me to wear your leather mini. Do you mind? I mean, you are in for the
        evening, no?

 (KELLY REACTS)

YVETTE  Thanks.

 (YVETTE LOOKS SMUG AND EXITS UPSTAIRS. SHE CROSSES BUD ON THE WAY DOWN. SHE SMILES AT HIM. HE
 LOOKS AT HER APPRECIATIVELY AND COMES DOWNSTAIRS. HE CARRIES A PAPER BAG. HE HUMS HAPPILY. HE
 PASSES KELLY AS HE HEADS FOR THE WALL NEAR THE GARAGE)

BUD     Hi, Grandma. Oops, sorry, Kell. It must've been the way the light hit your crow's feet.

 (BUD PACES OFF A DISTANCE ON THE WALL, THEN TAKES DRILL OUT OF THE BAG)

SFX: DRILL NOISE

 (AS HE DRILLS A HOLE LOW IN THE WALL, HE SINGS NELSON EDDY'S "WHEN I'M CALLING YOU", BUT HE
 SINGS IT, "WHEN I'M SEEING YOU". KELLY APPROACHES HIM)

KELLY   What are you doing?

BUD     Building a home entertainment center.

 (HE DRILLS)

SFX: DRILLING NOISE

KELLY   Bud, I need help. I'm desperate.

BUD     No, you're not. Desperate still implies hope.

KELLY   Listen, you wouldn't want to help me get rid of Yvette, would you?

 (BUD LAUGHS)

KELLY   Well, I can't go on like this. I'll have to do it myself.

BUD     Kelly, I say this with all sincerity. If you truly, truly want to get rid of her... I'll
        kill you. I really will. This is not a joke. Dead.

 (BUD RESUMES DRILLING)

SFX: DRILLING

 (YVETTE COMES DOWNSTAIRS. SHE WEARS A LEATHER MINI)

YVETTE  Bud, what are you doing?

BUD     Uh, I'm giving you some ventilation. So heat can get through.

YVETTE  Oh, it's all right, Bud. I don't care if you peep.

BUD     (SOTTO TO KELLY) Yeah. I'll give that up. The day they pry her from my cold, dead hand.

 (HE EXITS)

YVETTE  What a cute little fellow.

KELLY   He's toilet film.

 (YVETTE STARTS OUT)

YVETTE  Au revoir.

 (AL AND PEGGY ENTER)

AL      Excuse me, young lady. Where do you think you're going?

YVETTE  On a date.

PEGGY   Oh, no you're not. I got a call from school today. It seems you're failing all your
        subjects. We just can't have that.

KELLY   (HOPEFULLY) I'm failing, too.

AL      Kelly, please. We're talking to Yvette.

PEGGY   He didn't mean that, dear. You have to study too. I suppose. But if she fails she has to
        go back home.

AL      And we're out five hundred dollars a month.

PEGGY   Not that we care about the money. It's you we care about. Why, in the time you've been
        here we've learned so much about Sweden.

YVETTE  France.

PEGGY   Whatever. The important thing is that we're responsible for you education and if there's
        one thing we are, it's responsible parents.

 (AL SNAPS PEGGY'S BRA. SHE GIGGLES)

PEGGY   Stop that, Al.

AL      I can't help it. I feel giddy. It's that darn eatin'.

 (THEY HEAD UPSTAIRS. HE TICKLES HER UPSTAIRS. SHE PROTESTS GIGGLING)

YVETTE  You Americans have such a zest for life. You're so nice. I wonder why the waiters in my
        country spit in your food. Well, I guess we better study.

KELLY   I'd love to, but I have to go dust off my accordian for school tomorrow. I've got my
        eye on the big fat tuba player.

 (KELLY HEADS UPSTAIRS)

YVETTE  Oh, please. I need your help. I will beg someone to go out with you.

 (KELLY REACTS)

YVETTE  If I fail I'll have to go back to France.

 (KELLY SMILES AND TURNS BACK)

KELLY   Listen. Why should we both study? Go out. Have a good time. I'll study and when we take
        our tests, you can copy off me.

 (SHE SMILES EVILLY)

YVETTE  You would do that for me?

 (KELLY PUTS HER ARM AROUND YVETTE)

KELLY   What are little American sisters for?


DISSOLVE TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

INT. BUNDY KITCHEN/LIVING ROOM - LATER THAT WEEK - NIGHT

 (AL, PEGGY, KELLY AND BUD ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE. THEY ARE EATING PIZZA. BUCK STARES AT A
 CRUST OF PIZZA IN FRONT OF HIM)

PEGGY   Who wants seconds on crust?

 (KELLY RAISES HER HAND)

AL      I can't believe it. Yvette flunked every subject. She even flunked French. She must be
        the stupidest girl alive.

KELLY   I'm mighty stupid, Daddy.

 (AL PATS HER ON THE HEAD)

AL      I know, pumpkin. But we're discussing something important.

PEGGY   What Daddy means is... oh, what's the difference? They'll never give us another exchange
        student now.

BUD     I never got to use my holes.

 (HE LAYS HIS HEAD ON THE TABLE)

KELLY   What about me? I lost a sister. I'm hurting too.

SFX: HORN HONKING

KELLY   Oops. My dates are here. Au revoir.

 (SHE EXITS HAPPILY. THEY STARE AFTER HER A BEAT)

AL      Au revoir? I dunno, Peg. I mean, okay, so Yvette was stupid, being French and all. But
        what happened to Kelly? How could a child of mine be that dumb?

PEGGY   (POINTS OFF) Look, Al. A camel.

 (AL LOOKS OFF. PEGGY AND BUD TAKE HIS CRUST. AL KEEPS LOOKING AROUND)

AL      Where?

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO