Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
David Garrsion..........Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Buck the Dog............Buck


Guest cast:

Joe Flaherty............Doctor Plierson
Traci Lords.............TC
Scott Garrison..........Bill



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

Al arrives on the front step of the Bundy house.

AL      Ah, home sweet hell.

Al gets his wallet out of his pocket and puts is in his sock to hide it from his family.
The neighbors call out to Al.

GUY 1   Al Bundy home for supper? Never say die, huh? Ha ha ha!

GUY 2   Hey, Bundy! I had steak tonight. What are you having?

AL      If I was the mailman, I'd be having your wife! Don't worry about me, Donnelly, I'll have 
        supper. [to himself] I better have supper.

Al enters the house.

AL      Peg! Where's my supper?

Peggy is asleep on the couch with an empty pizza box on top of her.
An alarm clock on the table starts ringing. Peggy wakes up and turns it off.

PEGGY   Oh god, The Idiot will be home soon.

She sees that Al is already home.

PEGGY   Oh. Ha ha ha. Hi Idiot!

AL      Peg, in the privacy of our own home, could you call me Mr. Idiot? [he sits on the couch] 
        Peg, you're not gonna bother me tonight, you know why? I know you cooked me supper
        tonight, didn't you?

Peggy, smiling, shakes her head.

AL      Dessert?

Peggy just laughs at him.

PEGGY   Oh, honey, what do you want from me? You're at work 10 hours a day. Can't you find 
        something to eat in all that time? God! This is a home not a restaurant.

AL      I know Peg, if it is a restaurant, we'd have a clean bathroom.

PEGGY   Can't you be like other husbands? Just come home, go upstairs and sit there quietly till 
        morning.

AL      'Scuse me a second, Peg.

Al looks in the empty pizza box and finds a leftover crust. He takes the crust to the front door
and waves the aroma around so the neighbors can smell it.

AL      [waving] What's this, beef stew? Made from scratch? Whoa, what a wife!

He shuts the door and sits next to Peggy and talks to her while she fiddles with the alarm clock.

AL      Now Peg, I can't live like this. I want you to put something in that oven. Either food or 
        my head. Either way the neighbors will smell something cooking. Now Peg, I'm making a
        stand here, I'm not kidding. I want a meal and I want it now, get it?

Peggy looks up from her alarm clock.

PEGGY   Huh? What did ya say, Al? I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.

AL      [tossing the crust on the table] Gee, I dunno, just something about me being a man; it 
        wasn't important.

Kelly and Bud come in and hang up their coats.

KELLY   Hi Mom, hi Dad.

AL      Kids, I'm glad you're home 'cause I'm taking a poll.

KELLY   Where are gonna put a pole?

Kelly sits on the couch next to Al and Bud pats her on the head.

BUD     Well, we can, uh, put it in your head so we have a place to hang the sign that says "DUH".

KELLY   [to Al] Oh, thanks. You wouldn't let me get a nose earring, but you're gonna put a pole 
        in my head?

AL      Peg, are you sure you didn't have a one night stand with Abbott and Costello?

PEGGY   No. I'm a one-Stooge woman, honey.

AL      Alright, we're gonna have a vote.

KELLY   Thought we were gonna have a pole...

Al puts his hand over Kelly's mouth to shut her up.

AL     Alright. All those in favor of having your mother cook?

Al, Kelly and Bud put their hands up.

AL      Three. Opposed?

Peggy puts her hand up.

AL      None. Well, that's it Peg, you're cooking. I don't care if it's breakfast, lunch or
        dinner but I want it hot, and I'll tell you something else. I want it on a plate.

PEGGY   Boy. If I'd known it was gonna be like this.

AL      Peg, the neighbors are laughing at me!

BUD     And everyone at school too, Dad.

AL      Alright, that's it, from now on this family's going to be like any other family in
        America. Sometime this month we're gonna eat!

KELLY   All right!
BUD     Yes, food!

PEGGY   Okay. I'll make one meal. But it's not going to be good.

AL      That's all we ask.

KELLY   Oh, Mom, one more thing.

PEGGY   Ugh, you are spinning me right into PMS.

KELLY   The school nurse, Mom, she says it's time to go the dentist and get our annual checkups.

PEGGY   Alright, we'll make an appointment.


FLIP TO:

SCENE TWO

Bud, Peggy, Al and Kelly are sitting on the couch, at their "dental appointment". Peggy and Al
have torches in their hands. Peggy is looking into Bud's mouth and Al is looking into Kelly's.
The doorbell rings.

PEGGY   Come in!

Steve and Marcy enter and stare at the Bundys.

MARCY   What are you doing?

PEGGY   Oh, giving the kids their dental checkups. Excellent, Bud, as usual.

AL      Beautiful, Kelly, good girl.

PEGGY   Okay, kids, go upstairs and we'll forge your dental forms in the morning.

Bud and Kelly head upstairs.

KELLY   Well, that wasn't so bad.

BUD     Yeah, thank God we didn't need tetanus shots.

KELLY   Oh, I hate that little pin.

Bud and Kelly both shudder and go upstairs.
Steve sits on the chair.

STEVE   Uh, excuse me, but doesn't anybody know that this is against the law?

AL      So's dressing up a chicken and calling it your wife.

MARCY   I am not a chicken!

Marcy turns to Steve, puts her hands on her hips and bends down and talks to him, remarkably 
resembling a chicken.

MARCY   Why does he keep calling me a chicken???

STEVE   Now, Marcy, don't get your feathers ruffled. 

He laughs.

PEGGY   Look guys, I don't mean to be rude, but we've got some x-rays to sketch.

MARCY   Don't you understand? You are robbing your children of one of life's great experiences. I
        love to go to the dentist! A man in white hovering over me while I'm trapped helpless in
        a chair. He cleans me, he flosses me, his instrument's alive in my mouth. And just when I
        think I can't take anymore... he says, "Good girl, Marcy. You can spit now."

Marcy nudges the side of her chin. Al and Peggy are staring at Marcy. Peggy is in awe.

PEGGY   Al, I want to go to the dentist.

Al looks at Peggy.

MARCY   Well, you should. Everyone should see their dentist at least twice a month. [she looks at
        Steve and adds quickly:] I mean, year. And you know what? I haven't had a cavity since I
        was ten years old.

AL      So what? I haven't had a cavity my whole life and I've never been to the dentist.

STEVE   And still you have that delightful breath. How do you know you've never had a cavity?

AL      History. Tradition, my boy! Bundy men have always be known for one thing.

MARCY   Hairy knuckles?

PEGGY   The sex drive of a carbuncle?

AL      Uh, actually, we were known for two things. Uh, one: Always having the knack of finding
        just the right woman!

Al and Peggy both smile at each other, then Al makes a face.

AL      And teeth! Big, strong choppers. Go on, Marcy, take a look at 'em.

Al gives Marcy the torch and Marcy looks cautiously into his mouth.

AL      Look at 'em.

MARCY   [restraining] Oh my God, it smells like a hamper.

AL      Go on, just check the teeth, will ya?

MARCY   [looking] Well, the green one looks pretty good... and some could be bothered by that 
        black one, but the one that's actually bleeding could be a problem starter...

Al snatches the torch away.

MARCY   Al! You should go to the dentist!

AL      No need. If my teeth don't hurt, there's nothing wrong with them. And my teeth don't hurt.


FLIP TO:

SCENE THREE

The Bundy house exterior. We hear Al's voice.

AL      [o.s.] NOW my teeth hurt, AHH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAAAAHH!!!!!



ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

Al, in his pajamas, comes downstairs moaning in agony and holding his jaw.
Kelly is lying on the couch and there is a boy [Bill] all over her. Al sees this and turns the
light on. Kelly realises what is happening and taps Bill to get him off, but he doesn't budge.
Al says "Ahem", which gets Bill's attention.

BILL    Mr. Bundy!

Bill climbs off Kelly and meets Al to shake his hand.

BILL    I'm, I'm Bill.

They shake hands.

AL      Hello Bill, I'm Al Bundy, I'm Kelly's father. [he begins leading Bill to the front door] 
        This is some fine weather we're having here, aren't we, Bill? [Bill nods] You know, it's
        funny, it's almost one o'clock in the morning and you were kissing my daughter.

Al rams Bill into the closed front door. Bill shakes his head in shock.

AL      Oh darn, Bill, it's so late, I thought that'd be open. There you go.

He opens the door, but before he lets Bill go, he rams him into the wall, then throws him out.
Al holds his jaw in pain.

AL       We've got a real problem here, Kelly!

Al goes to the fridge to get a beer and Kelly gets up to follow him.

KELLY   I know, Daddy. We're just doing our homework, I'm a good girl!

AL      Who cares? [gets his beer and sits at the table] It's just that my teeth are killing me. 
        They felt fine till that darn Marcy voodooed me, now I'm in so much pain I can't even
        sleep. Honey, will you look in there and see if my teeth are okay?

Al opens his mouth and Kelly looks inside.

KELLY   Well, wait a minute. Let me push this one aside. [she does so] Well, they all look okay 
        to me.... except for that one that's fizzing. Why don't you just go to the dentist, Daddy?

AL      No dentist. Needs a nice cold beer.

Al takes a sip of beer and starts bashing the table in reaction to the pain. He gets up and gets
a slice of bread, sits back down and pours the beer onto the bread. Then he takes a small bit off
the corner and eats it.

AL      Nothing like a cold beer on a hot night.

KELLY   Are you afraid of the dentist, Daddy?

AL      Kelly I'm a grown man. So yes of course, I'm deathly afraid of the dentist!

KELLY   Fear is nothing to ashamed of, Daddy. Let me tell you a little story. I was afraid once. 
        It was two years ago, so I was um.....eight. Anyway, I missed the bus back from school,
        so I had to walk home. It was getting pretty dark.

Kelly casually grabs Al's beer and almost drinks from it. She realises what she is doing.

KELLY   Oops! I almost drank beer! 

She puts the beer down, looking guilty.

KELLY   Anyway, I cut through this alley and I heard this noise. I turned and there they were.

AL      Who?

KELLY   All my friends from school! So we all went over to Janie's house, and had a dance party.
        Oh God, it was great. [Al raises his hand to his hand and starts massaging it] Janie's
        mom put this broom between two chairs and we limboed under it, oh and we had cake, then
        we painted each other's toenails and went to sleep! It was really fun.

AL      Uh, honey, Daddy doesn't have long to live. Get to the part with the fear.

KELLY   Let's see, was I afraid of my dress? What the heck was I wearing? 

Kelly thinks.

AL      Honey, that's all right. Sweetheart, it was a great story. Now honey, Daddy's just dizzy 
        enough to go to sleep now, honey. Have a good night's sleep.

Al starts his way upstairs.

KELLY   Oh, Daddy, I just remembered.

AL      What?

KELLY   I was wearing my blue dress with the little sparkles on the collar and I was afraid it 
        would clash with the toenails I just painted. Thank you.

Al gently pinches her cheek.

AL      Thanks again, sweetheart.

KELLY   What are daughters for?

AL      I don't know.

Al goes upstairs moaning "ow" as he does so. 
Kelly goes to the coat closet and knocks on it. Bud and a girl lean out of it.

KELLY   I'm going to sleep.

BUD     Dad gone yet?

KELLY   Yep.

BUD     Great. Then we'll see you in the morning!

He pokes his tongue out cheekily and shuts the door.

 
SCENE TWO

Kelly, Peggy and Bud are sitting at the kitchen table. Peggy crosses out something she has
written on a piece of paper. There is a glass of ice on the table.

PEGGY   Eohh! Curse your father for making me feed him. This is so confusing. I mean, what do men
        eat?

KELLY   Well, going by Bud - insects.

BUD     Mom, Kelly had a boy here last night.

Peggy gives Kelly a look.

KELLY   Oh yeah, well Bud had a girl here last night.

PEGGY   Yeah. Like I'm gonna believe that. Don't tell stories, Kelly.

BUD     Now wait a minute, I could've had a girl here!

PEGGY   [comfortingly] Sure you could, honey.

Peggy and Kelly exchange a snigger.

KELLY   So how are Daddy's teeth this morning?

PEGGY   Oh, I don't know. He was up screaming all night. Finally I put a pillow over his face so 
        I could get some rest! Gee, he's really got to go to the dentist.

Al comes downstairs, looking cheerful.

AL      Ah, what a day! Smell that morning air!

He takes a breath through his mouth and the cold air hurts his teeth.

PEGGY   Al, would you please go to the dentist?

AL      Don't have to now, Peg, a miracle happened last night. Went to bed, woke up today, I feel
        fine!

PEGGY   Oh yeah? Eat this ice. 

She hands Al the glass of ice.

AL      Uh, no Peg, put it in a bag, I'll eat it on my way to work.

PEGGY   Eat it now, Al.

AL      Alrighty.

Al takes a cube of ice and starts chewing it, fighting back the pain.
Al walks into the garage, like nothing's the matter. He closes the door and starts screaming.

AL      AHH-HAH-HAH! MY TEETH! OH GOD, TAKE MY LIFE. THE PAIN! I CAN'T STAND THE PAIN!!!

Al comes calmly back and wipes a tear from his eye.

AL      See, there's no problem!

Peggy walks over to Al.

PEGGY   Al, you have a 2:30 appointment with Marcy's dentist. Here's the address [she gives him a
        piece of paper] and in case you need a loved one to pick you up, here's the bus schedule.
        [she gives him the schedule]

Al starts on his way out. He reads the dentist's name on the paper.

AL      Doctor Plierson. What I need is a Doctor Killawife.

BUD     Dad? Dad? I had a girl here last night.

AL      Bud, I've got no time for your jokes now, my teeth are killing me.

Bud looks sad.


ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

The dentist's room.
There is a framed picture of Marcy on the wall. She is smiling, holding a toothbrush. Across the
bottom of the photo are the words "Mouth of the Month".
The assistant, a sexy, perky blonde named TC, comes in.

TC      You're next, Mr. Bundy!

AL      Hah, I'm a little nervous.

Al enters nervously, carrying a toy duck and a balloon tied to a stick.

TC      Just sit right down.

As Al sits down, TC takes the balloon away.

TC      Can I have the duckie now? There's a little boy out there who really needs it.

AL      Tough!

TC      Come on, now. You've got nothing to be afraid of. You won't feel a thing.

TC puts a bib around Al's neck.

AL      What's this for?

TC      Oh, it's just to soak up the blood.

AL      Nurse, this dentist, he's like a real good one, right?

TC      Don't worry, Mr Bundy! Doctor's just wonderful! Just look at these.

She leans forward to show Al her teeth, but Al gets a better view of her breasts instead.

AL      Oh wow. Wow...yeah... Nice, white, firm. Those babies should last you a lifetime.

TC      I brush them everyday.

AL      I would too if they were mine.

The Dentist, Dr. Plierson, comes in.

PLIERS  All right, next? [sees Al] Oh, the man with the duckie! Thank you, nurse, I'll take it 
        from here...

TC and Dr. Plierson hug passionately and he pinches her butt. She squeals and leaves. Dr.
Plierson makes a giddy laugh-like noise.

PLIERS  Alright Bundy, let's see what you've got for me. Open up.

AL      No!

PLIERS  Come on Bundy, I'm a pro! I've seen it all, I've done it all. Come on, open up.

Al reluctantly opens his mouth. Dr. Plierson takes one look and recoils in horror.

PLIERS  Darrgghh! Mother of all creatures big and small!

PLIERS  Is it, is it bad?

PLIERS  Uh no, not really. TC?

TC comes in.

TC      Yes?

PLIERS  Nurse, I want you to bring in one of the big bibs in here and a drop cloth for the floor.

AL      Hey Doc, I was thinking. I don't eat, I got no reason to smile... What's say we let them 
        drop out naturally, I mail them to you, you drill 'em, fill 'em, mail 'em back to me?

PLIERS  No Bundy, I think we may be able to save one of those babies. What do ya say, huh? I'll 
        Novocaine you up?

He takes an injection and squirts out some of the liquid. Al is heard gasping.

PLIERS  Then, I'll have a few drinks and neither one of us will feel a thing!

Dr. Plierson leans towards Al, ready to insert the injection.


SCENE FOUR

Still at the dentist's.
Dr. Plierson and TC are standing around Al [who has his mouth wide open] with cameras, taking 
pictures and recording him. 

PLIERS  Alright, now make sure you get a shot of the head so we know it's a human mouth.

TC takes another picture then puts the cameras away.
Dr. Plierson gets a small cup of drink.

PLIERS  Alright Bundy, let's get down to business. Numb yet?

AL      Yeah. You?

PLIERS  Close enough!

He takes one last drink.

TC      Oh, honey...

PLIERS  It's "doctor" in the office, sweetcheeks. 

TC      I'm sorry. Anyhow "doctor", I'm going to go home and slip into something a little more 
        comfortable. Do you want me pick up some videos?

PLIERS  Uh, yeah. But get something mild, I'm going to be up to my elbows in blood in a minute.

TC      I just have this feeling I'm forgetting something. Did I turn off the iron? Did I take my
        pill?

A woman from outside screams.

WOMAN   [o.s.] Eeeowww! Where is that damn dentist!?

TC      That's what I forgot! Mrs Higginbottoms is spitting out teeth like a popcorn machine in
        there!

PLIERS  Yeah, well, give her a Sports Illustrated and tell her I'll be right there.

TC leaves.

PLIERS  Yeah sure, let her rot. Women. There the lowest form of life. You married Bundy?

AL      Look in these eyes.

The doctor nods understandably.

PLIERS  And me, I'm recently divorced. She got me for 1.5 mil! [Al cringes] I'm not bitter,
        though. She gave up very promising career as a waitress to become my wife of about 6
        whole months. Almost a half a year you know. [breaking down] 1.5 mil!

AL      Now take it easy, Doc, take it easy. I found out in life you can't live in the past. Or
        the present or the future. But you spend some quality time at a newsstand reading dirty 
        magazines.

PLIERS  Yeah, they can't take that copy of "Hiney" away from you can they? Bundy, you're an okay
        joe. Tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm not going to dig to deep, I'll do what I can, but I
        think I'll be able to save some of those babies.

AL      Ah jeez, thanks.

TC comes in angrily, wearing a fur coat.

TC      Doctor. It's your ex-wife's attorney on line one. 

PLIERS  Great!

TC      By the way, I bought this with your credit card, Doctor Honey. Is it OK?

PLIERS  Yes, it's much better than the one you bought yesterday.

TC      And more expensive.

PLIERS  [muttering to himself as TC leaves] You're gold diggin' me... [He picks up the phone] 
        What do you want? I got a dying man in the chair! [Al looks worried] No! Absolutely not!
        No! ... She's already got it... She's got them to. [Al nods knowingly] baseball card
        collection? Oh no, I'll give her the 150 bucks it's worth... She wants the cards? Why?
        ... Because she knows I like them. Well, you tell her to take those cards and I hope she
        chokes on them! 

He slams down the phone and walks back over to the chair.

PLIERS  Ooh! I love those cards! I spent my whole life collecting those cards! 

AL      Hey Doc, I think the novocaine is starting wear to off a little bit...

PLIERS  Shut up, Bundy! Just shut up! Oh, I'm so mad, I'm shaking!

He picks up a shrill sounding drill and advances towards Al. Al screams and tries to escape but
Dr. Plierson is holding his head in place. The camera zooms to the picture of Marcy. The drill
sound causes the glass on the picture to shatter.


SCENE FIVE

The Bundy house.
The kitchen table is full of food. Bud and Kelly are happily sitting at it, ready to eat. 
Peggy is standing with an electric knife, cutting into a big chicken.

BUD     Mm-mmm! What a memory this will be.

KELLY   If Bud didn't still have pimples, I think this would be a dream.

PEGGY   Yeah, well, just don't bring your rumbling little stomachs around come Thanksgiving.
        'Cause after today, Mommy has 'hung up' her oven. [she calls upstairs] Al! Here's your
        stinkin' meal, I hope you're happy! 

The three of them start to eat. 
Al comes down the stairs carrying the balloon and the duckie. His mouth full of cotton wool and 
he has a bandage tied around his head and jaw.

AL      Oh, Feg! Wha you coo' for? You know I can' eat! [he sits down] Ohh, loo' at all da 'ood.

PEGGY   Stop babbling Al, I can't understand a word you say.

AL      Well, can you understand this? I wan' another meal when I can ea' da 'ood!

PEGGY   [Ignoring him; to Bud] Pass the mashed potatoes.

BUD     Gimme corn.

Bud, Kelly and Peggy pass food around.

AL      This is unacceptable. I'm the man o' the house!

PEGGY   Kids, your daddy's right. This is very unfair to your father and we cannot enjoy my meal 
        with him like this.

A pause, then Peggy and Bud get up and turn Al's chair around so his back is facing them. Peggy,
Kelly and Bud sit down and resume eating happily, while Al is left facing the other way.




THE END


EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: RON LEAVITT & MICHAEL G. MOYE
PRODUCED BY: ELLEN L. FOGLE, MARCY VOSBURGH & SANDY SPRUNG
SUPERVISING PRODUCERS: ARTHUR SILVER & KATHERINE GREEN
DIRECTED BY: GERRY COHEN
TELEPLAY BY: SHELDON KRASNER & DAVID SALING
STORY BY: WILL ROGERS
CREATED BY: MICHAEL G. MOYE & RON LEAVITT
CO-PRODUCED BY: BABARA BLACHUT CRAMER
STORY EDITOR: KEVIN CURRAN
CASTING BY: TAMMARA BILLIK, C.S.A.
EXECUTIVE IN CHARGE OF CASTING: RICK JACOBS
"LOVE AND MARRIAGE" LYRICS & MUSIC BY SMMY CAHN & JIMMY VAN HEUSEN
MUSIC SUPERVISION: MICHAEL ANDREAS
PRODUCTION DESIGNER: DON ROBERTS
ART DIRECTOR: RICHARD IMPROTA
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR: RICHARD STEIR
STAGE MANAGERS: RICHARD DRANEY & STEPHANIE SCOTT
PRODUCTION ASSOCIATE: KITTY ROURKE
PRODUCTION CO-ORDINATOR: SUSAN JANG
EDITED BY: LARRY HARRIS
TECHNICAL DIRECTOR: TOM CONKRIGHT
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY: THOMAS W. MARKLE
AUDIO: J. MARK KING
RE-RECORDING: MARTI D. HUMPHREY & JOHN BICKELHAUPT
COSTUMES: MARTI MASAMITSU
PROPERTY MASTER: MICHAEL SEMON
HAIR STYLIST: DOTTIE McQUOWN
MAKE-UP: NINA KENT
DOG TRAINER: STEVEN RITT
PRODUCTION SUPERVISED BY: FRAN McCONNELL
PRODUCTION CONSULTANTS: DEBORAH CURTAN & EDUARDO CERVANTES
IN CHARGE OF PRODUCTION: ED LAMMI
COPYRIGHT (C) 1989 ELP COMMUNICATIONS
COLUMBIA PICTURES TELEVISION
a unit of Columbia Pictures entertainment, Inc.