Regular Cast:

Ed O'Neill..............Al Bundy
Katey Sagal.............Peggy Bundy
David Garrison..........Steve Rhoades
Amanda Bearse...........Marcy Rhoades
Christina Applegate.....Kelly Bundy
David Faustino..........Bud Bundy
Buck the Dog............Buck 

Guest Cast:

Aerky Egan..............Victor
Michael Faustino........Joey
Lana Schwab.............Fern
Charlotte Crossley......Louise



ACT ONE

SCENE ONE

The Bundy living room.
The first thing we see is Al picking his feet.
The camera pans out to reveal Bud and Peg also sitting on the couch, disgusted by Al.

PEGGY  Uhh, honey, just how long are you going to be home for?

AL     Two glorious foot-pickin' days!

PEGGY  Well, pace yourself, dear. Haha. You know, if you pick too much today, you'll have
       nothing left to pick tomorrow! And you know how we all look forward to your annual ear,
       nose and tooth medley. You know, it's a shame you don't have another arm, then you could
       just sorta get 'em all going at once.

AL     You know, Peg, if you'd washed my socks they might not adhere to my feet.

Al finds something between his toes, picks it out and sniffs it. 
He then offers it to Peg and Bud.

BUD    Great, Dad!

Kelly sneaks through the front door wearing a tight red dress.

KELLY  [quietly to someone outside] Thanks for the great time. [notices her family] Oh, Daddy,
       you're home. I, uh, I got up early so I get you the Sunday paper!

AL     Where is it?

KELLY  Where's what?

BUD    Gee, Kel, you're wearing the same dress you wore out for your date last night. How does
       it keep it's shape in the glove compartment of a car?

Kelly gives him a look.

KELLY  Oh, go kiss your stridex pad.

PEGGY  Now, wait a minute. Is everybody going to be home today?

KELLY  Not me. I've gotta get some money to get tickets to the Oozing Meat concert tomorrow. 
       So I've got to roll up my sleeves and work really hard to get this money. [kneels next 
       Al and holds his arm, crying] Oh Daddy, can I have the money? Please? All the kids are
       going and it's only a hundred and seventy-five dollars!!

AL     [crying patronisingly] Then I'm afraid you can't go, Pumpkin!

Kelly tries her trick on Peggy.

KELLY  Mommy, can I have the money, all the kids are going!

PEGGY  Crying only works on men, dear.

KELLY  [pointedly to Bud] There aren't anymore in the room. [she gets up] Oh, I gotta get that
       money but I don't know how! Oh, my head hurts, I have to rest.

She sits on the chair at the desk. Bud flexes his fingers and walks over to her.

BUD    Come on, Kel, just do like I do: Use your wits.

KELLY  I do.

BUD    I said "wits". With a 'w'.

KELLY  Mommy, he's spelling at me again.

PEGGY  Stop taxing your sister, Bud.

KELLY  I don't know what you're so happy about, warthog. You need money for tickets too.

BUD    Au contraire, Boy-Go-Round. [the doorbell rings] I have my ticket.

Bud gets his ticket from his pocket and shows it to Kelly.

KELLY  How?

Al answers the door. A few young boys (Victor, Joey and others) are standing outside with 
camping gear.

VICTOR Hello Mr. Bundy, we're ready to go camping.

AL     Well, have a good time.

Al shuts the door on them.
The kids rings the bell twice more.
Al opens the door again.

AL     What now?

VICTOR You're taking us camping, Bundy. We own you. We bought you in an auction. See?

Victor gives Al a brochure.
The kids walk past Al and into the house.

AL     [reading the brochure] "Go a-campin' and a-trampin' with Al "Dan'l" Bundy"?
       Bud, did you sell your dad?

BUD    Well, you're the only thing in this house we could spare.

PEGGY  Honey, this will be great for the kids. A-campin' and a-trappin', a-pickin' and
       a-flickin'. You know, you can have a Toe Jamboree!

Steve arrives at the Bundy house.

STEVE  Hey, Al. [notices the kids] Well, hi there, neighborhood tykes!
	
VICTOR Hey, it's the guy who gives us potatoes on Halloween.

AL     Steve, look what Bud did.

Al gives Steve the brochure and Steve reads it.

STEVE  "Wilderness man and trapper. Learn how to survive."

JOEY   Bundy's trying to weasel out of the deal.

STEVE  How can you disappoint these kids, Al? Look at their innocent little faces.

Al and Steve look at the kids, who are busy watching Kelly as she sits cross-legged at the desk.

STEVE  Tell you what: I'll take you, little fellas.

KIDS   YEAH!

JOEY   But you're not the great great grandson of Dan'l Bundy.

STEVE  That's true, my ancestors could read and write. [To Al] Oh come Al, [with a hick accent]
       if you trap to many barrs to carry home, I'll hep ya! 

AL     I'd rather slam my nose in a car door. [sits on the couch next to Peggy] I'd rather have
       a proctologist named Dr. Hook. I would rather watch Roseanne Barr do a striptease than
       take these little booger machines camping.

PEGGY  Well, good, honey. Then we can spend the whole day together snuggling.

Al ponders this thought.

AL     Well, campers! Let's go get us some gear! Chip in for gas and get me the hell outta here!

Al motions for the kids to get out and he stands at the door.

KIDS   Yeah!

BUD    Have a good time, Dad.

AL     Uh, not so fast, Dan'l Junior. See, if I'm a-going, you're a-going, the only difference
       is... I'm a-coming back.

He takes Bud around the neck and leads him out.


ACT ONE

SCENE TWO

In the woods.
Steve and the kids walk into an opening in the woods.

STEVE  Ah! The great outdoors! This is camping. Isn't this great? [he sniffs the air]
       Just smell that air!

The kids sniff the air and are disgusted by the smell.
A bush nearby shakes, then Al emerges from behind it with a newspaper.

AL     I was marking our territory.

STEVE  I'm glad you're in a jovial mood. You fall asleep at the wheel, you roll the van, you 
       lose our supplies and thanks to you we're gonna die!

JOEY   I want my mommy.

AL     Yeah, so does your dad's brother.

STEVE  Al, that is not the way to keep a child's spirits up. You have to keep children busy.
       Involve them with something.

AL     OK, kids! [walks over to the kids] With me, right here... [he cups his hands around his
       mouth and yells] HELP!

The kids do the same. Steve just sighs.

KIDS   HELP! HELP! HELP!


ACT ONE

SCENE THREE

The Bundy house.
In the kitchen, Peggy and Marcy are preparing for a poker game.

PEGGY  Aah, isn't this nice? The whole house to ourselves. Wish it could always be like this. 
       No noses to wipe, no tears to dry. No one to send to their rooms... It is so nice 
       without Al!

Kelly comes downstairs.

KELLY  Mrs. Rhoades, you look lovely tonight.

MARCY  Why, thank you, dear.

KELLY  Can you give me a hundred and seventy-five dollars so I can go to a rock concert?

MARCY  I wouldn't give my own daughter a hundred and seventy-five dollars. [quietly to herself]
       Hopefully I'll like her.

PEGGY  Kelly, how many times have I told you. Mommy's friends are to loan Mommy money!

KELLY  My life is over. [looking at Marcy fiddle with her eyebrows] I might as well be her.

Peggy and Kelly sit on the couch.

PEGGY  Oh, honey. Just do what I used to do. Push your way to the limo and tell the Road Manager
       "It's worth letting me in, ask anybody." Then, if anybody touches you, scream "Jailbait!"
       [chuckles] Kids today.

Marcy joins them.

MARCY  I cannot wait till the girls get here. I remember, my mother used to have her friends 
       over to play cards. She'd put out the food... I'd serve it. But I didn't mind. I just
       loved listening to them talk about... [sits on the arm of the chair] how I'd never grow
       breasts. [she looks down at her chest] How I'd never get a guy. How my pelvis didn't 
       stand a chance during childbirth. [Peggy and Kelly are looking at her] Then they all
       laughed. After the rumcake kicked in, [she sits next to Peggy] Mom would pretend to lose
       me to Mrs. Hampy, the woman that could never stop sweating. Yes, well, it was traumatic
       then, but looking back on it now I realise... God, I hate my mother.

Peggy and Kelly are staring at Marcy funnily.
The doorbell rings.

PEGGY  Uh, that's probably Louise and Fern. Just breathe into a bag for a minute, I'll get the
       door.

Peggy answers to door to her poker friends, Louise and Fern.

PEGGY  Hi!

LOUISE Girl, did you see that new checker at the mini-mart? Mmm!

FERN   Wooo! He could work his way through THIS college!

Peggy laughs.
They all take their seats at the kitchen table.

PEGGY  Pick a place and park. The night is young, the men are gone, the game is poker. And the
       only thing "wild" is me! Kelly, you wanna join us?

KELLY  Sure, why not? [to herself] Look what my life has become. Playing cards with a bunch of
       sea hags.

Kelly gets up and takes a place at the table.

KELLY  You've all lost weight!

They all react surprised.

MARCY  Oh, so glad you noticed. Have you ever played before?

KELLY  Just with the guys.

FERN   Well, ante up.

The women start to get their money out and Kelly starts to take off her top, but stops when she
sees that the others are all staring at her. She slowly lowers her top.

KELLY  I, I see you play how we youngsters play -- with our clothes ON.

PEGGY  Actually honey, we play for money.

KELLY  Well, then count me out. I have to save my money for...

Kelly pauses to get a look at all of the money being counted out by Peggy, Marcy, Louise and
Fern.

KELLY ... Well, maybe just one hand.

She gets out some of her own money.

PEGGY  OK, great. Now, who's got change for a dollar, I want to cash Al's paycheck.

They all laugh.


ACT ONE 

SCENE FOUR

In the woods, Al is setting up a mound of sticks to light a fire.
Steve has his arms wrapped around an uncomfortable Bud and Joey. 
Steve is singing "Ghost Riders in the Sky"

STEVE  [singing] A bolt of fear ran through him as they thundered through the sky...
       He saw the riders coming hard... and he heard their mournful cry.
       Yippee-I-ayyyy, yippee-I-ohhhh... Ghost riders in the sky!

VICTOR Weenie-rama.

Al switches on a flashlight and places it upright in his mound of sticks.

AL     Fire's lit.

VICTOR Tell us a scary story, Dan'l!

AL     Okey dokey! Kids, gather 'round the flashlight. [they do so] Now. Once upon a time there
       was a young boy. A boy full of hope. He was single, thus he was happy. Then one night,
       much like tonight, something rose from the swamp. He heard a noise behind him,
       thump-thump, thump-thump. He walked a little faster, thump-thump, thump-thump. Then he 
       saw it. And there, in the light of a bar, stood the evil, red-headed, high-heeled, 
       spandex monster. He ran from it, he stood it up, he dated others, but nothing could stop
       it! He could hear it's wild call [in a higher voice] "Oh, Honey! Honey!" It was horrible!
       Finally, it trapped him. Opened, opened it's hideous mouth, bared its fangs and said...
       "Marry me?"

VICTOR And did he marry it, Dan'l?

AL     Yes, I'm afraid he did. And he was never heard from again. But the worst of it is, 
       there's still some of them out there. There might be one behind that TREE! [the kids
       scream and look around] Then again, there might not be. But beware. Because wherever a 
       man is free and has change in his pockets, they'll come a-creepin' and the can't be
       stopped. Now sleep, if you can...

He laughs evilly.

STEVE  Wow, some story, huh kids? [the kids agree] Now, join me in a little song we learned when
       I was a lad at Camp Scoharry. [He puts his arms around Victor and Joey and starts to sing
       "Greensleeves"] Alas my love, you do me wrong, to cast me out discourteously. [Bud rubs
       his temple and then walks over to Al] For I have loved you so long...

BUD    So this is how it ends, eh Dad?

Al opens his mouth to speak, but is cut off by Steve's singing.

STEVE  [singing loudly] Greensleeves...

AL     Steve, could you shut up?

STEVE  Al, I am trying to get these kids' minds off the fact that they are going to die.
       [sings again] Greensleeves...

BUD    Dad, we have no food, no water... and no loose women. We're in real trouble here.

AL     Bud, it's gonna be OK. See, your mother hasn't heard from us in a while, so she thinks
       we're having a good time. Ergo, she has to stop it. So, she's probably on the phone to 
       the State Troopers by now.


ACT ONE

SCENE FIVE

The Bundy's phone is off the hook.
The girls are still playing poker.

MARCY  Peggy, did you know your phone is off the hook? What if our husbands wanna call us?

PEGGY  That's why it's off the hook!

They all laugh.


ACT TWO

SCENE ONE

In the woods.
Steve is blindfolded and holding a leaf, playing a guessing game. 
The kids are sitting around him. Al is writing something.

STEVE  Give me a chance, I'll guess the name of the leaf. [he smells it] Ah, smells familiar. 
       [he uses he face to feel the texture of the leaf] Hmmm, jagged edges. I'm sure I know
       this.

VICTOR Maybe tasting it would help?

Steve shoves the leaf in his mouth.

STEVE  No, I'm stumped. What is it?

VICTOR Poison Oak!!
JOEY   Poison Oak!!

Steve spits out the leaf and takes off the blindfold. The kids laugh.

STEVE  Well, that was a good one, guys! When Uncle Steve gets done bathing his body and tongue 
       in the stream, he'll hurry back and teach you all to play... tree diving!

Steve runs off out of sight to the river.

VICTOR Bundy, you stink. We're starving!

BUD    Dad, I had a date tonight with a girl they call Ever Ready. Why haven't the women come 
       to save us?

AL     I don't know, maybe they can't find us. Maybe there's a white sale some place. Ah, look
       kids, you're old enough to know the truth. They left us here to rot. But don't worry.
       We've got a secret weapon.

STEVE  [shouting off screen] Owl in my hair! Owl in my hair!!

VICTOR It's not him, is it?

AL     No, no, it's Buck! See, we'll send Buck home with a note, telling the women where we are
       and we'll be saved.

BUD    Do you think Buck can do it?

AL     I know he can. 'Cause I've dropped him off in every part of town, he always finds his way
       home. Here Buck, take this note and go find Mommy. [Al puts the letter he wrote in Buck's
       mouth and he runs off] Run boy! Run like the wind!

They all shout encouragingly at Buck.

AL     I think if keep our wits about us, we'll all come out of this OK!

Steve runs back to the others, chasing something away from him.

STEVE  Bees!

He runs off.
The others just stare at him. Bud shrugs at Al.


ACT TWO

SCENE TWO

Meanwhile at the Bundy house, the girls are still playing poker.
Marcy lays her hand of cards down on the table proudly.

MARCY  Full House. Read 'em and weep.

The others throw down their cards disappointingly, except for Kelly who lays hers down smugly.

KELLY  All I've got is four ones.

PEGGY  Those are aces, honey.

KELLY  You mean I win again? [gathering up all the winning money] I guess I'll never get this
       game right.

Marcy reaches out to stop Kelly grabbing the money.

MARCY  "Four ones"? "Four ones"? That's the seventh hand in a row she's gotten "four ones."

PEGGY  Are you calling my daughter a cheat?

MARCY  Well, from where I come from, if it walks like a cheat, quacks like a cheat, we string  
       it up like a cheat.

Marcy gives Kelly an insane look.

PEGGY  Marcy, think about it. If my daughter were a cheat, she wouldn't be failing high school.

KELLY  Thanks, Mom! [Kelly starts to deal out the next round of cards] Alright ladies, this time
       Kings are wild.

MARCY  Just deal, girlie.

Kelly deals, and then reaches behind her back and sneakily peels off a hand of sure-winning 
cards that were stuck to her back, hidden under her hair.

FERN   Do you think the guys are OK?

MARCY  Oh, I'm sure they're fine. They're with my Steve. He was practically born in the woods.


FLIP TO:

ACT TWO

SCENE THREE

Back in the woods, Steve is lying on the ground, with bandaids all over his face and neck and
his tongue hanging out. He has a sock on each hand and Bud is next to him, equipped with a knife
and a plate of mud. Steve now talks with a lisp.

STEVE  Put some more mud on my tongue, please. The poison oak is really kicking in.
       [Bud spreads more mud on his tongue] Vewy sooving.

AL     OK kids, if we get out of this alive, what are we going to do? Victor?

VICTOR Never marry.

AL     That's right. So, remember, kids. When you meet a woman, no matter how nice she is or 
       what she looks like, remember -- women get worse. They get... 

Al points to Victor

VICTOR Older.

Al points to Joey

JOEY   Meaner?

AL points to Bud

BUD    Fatter?

STEVE  Leth Compathionate.
 
AL     Very good. Bud, how's Steve doing?

BUD    [smiling at Steve] He's doing great, Dad. [He walks over to Al] Who are we kidding? He's
       a goner. I say we put rocks in his pockets, and roll him into the river.

AL     Hey, that's good buzzard bait you're throwing away there! Ah, what am I saying? Buck the
       Wonder Dog will save the day.


ACT TWO

SCENE FOUR

Buck is running through the woods. The "Lassie" theme music plays.


ACT TWO

SCENE FIVE

Steve looks to be in a worse state than he was before. He is delirious.

VICTOR What's wrong with Mr Rhoades? 

AL     He's dying, Victor.

STEVE  Thus dies the house of Agamemnon! [changes character] Tie him to the yardarm, Mr.
       Christian! [laughing] Dahahahaha! [changes character again] Oh, look, Father, I 
       sat in something icky!

Steve's eyes roll back and he passes out.

BUD    Shall I get a club, Dad?

AL     Nah, at least watching him gives us something to do.

Steve is heard gargling and frothing.

BUD    Oh cool, he's foaming again!

AL     Enjoy it while you can, because help is on the way. [starts chanting] Come on Buck.

The kids join in, chanting.

KIDS   Come on Buck!

Steve tries to join also, but can barely speak.

STEVE  Cah a bah.

KIDS   Come on Buck!

STEVE  Cah ah bah.

KIDS   Come on Buck!

STEVE  Cah ah bah.

KIDS   Come on...


ACT TWO

SCENE SIX

Buck is seen running through the woods once more while the theme to "Lassie" plays.


ACT TWO 

SCENE SEVEN

The Bundy house.
Kelly is on the phone and has a huge wad of money in her hands.
Peggy and her now broke friends walk past her to the front door.

KELLY  [on the phone] Yes, I'm going to the Oozing Meat concert, and I would like a stretch
       limo... Oh, and have some lobster back there for me. Getting backstage is hungry work, 
       you know!

Peggy shows Marcy, Lousie and Fern to the door.

PEGGY  That was fun, wasn't it?

MARCY  [distastefully] Yeah, great. Filthy little cheat!

Marcy leaves.

LOUISE I lost my grocery money.

Louise leaves.

FERN   Me too. My husband's gonna to go nuts.

PEGGY  Oh, don't worry. Just tell him you've got PMS and you'll kill him.

Fern nods in agreement and leaves.
Peggy closes the door and turns to Kelly, who has finished her phone call and is heading 
upstairs with her money.

PEGGY  Honey. [Kelly stops] I didn't want to say anything while the girls were here, but I saw
       you cheating. Now you know what you have to do.

Kelly walks sheepishly over to Peggy.

KELLY  Yes, Mommy. The usual fifty percent?

PEGGY  Let's make it sixty, just to teach you a lesson.

Kelly gives Peggy some of her money. 
A wolf-like howl is heard outside.

PEGGY  Kelly, can't your dates just honk the horn like they did in my day?

Peggy opens the door and Buck runs in and jumps on the couch.

PEGGY  Oh, it's Buck!

KELLY  I thought he went with the guys?

PEGGY  Well, I guess not. Oh look, he's got something in his mouth.

She leans over to get the letter from Buck's mouth but he growls and Peggy recoils.

PEGGY  Oh! Well, I guess he'll give it to us when he's ready.

Peggy and Kelly go upstairs and Buck remains on the couch.


ACT TWO

SCENE EIGHT

In the woods, Al, Bud and the kids are still in the same situation, only colder and trying to
keep warm. Steve is still lying on the ground, moaning.

BUD    Can't we shut him up?

AL     We need him, Bud, he's keeping the animals away. Don't worry about it. Buck's going to
       save us. Believe me. I ought to know, I, I trained him...

The flashlight's battery then runs out and they are all left in the cold and dark. 
Steve keeps on moaning.


ACT TWO

SCENE NINE

Meanwhile, back in the comfort of the house, Buck is contently sprawled upside down on the couch.



THE END


CLOSING CREDITS

The closing credits feature the tableau of Steve, Al, Bud and the other kids in the dark woods.


EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: RON LEAVITT AND MICHAEL G. MOYE 

DIRECTED BY: GERRY COHEN
WRITTEN BY: MARCY VOSBURGH & SANDY SPRUNG
CREATED BY: MICHAEL G. MOYE AND RON LEAVITT
PRODUCED BY: BARBARA BLACHUT CRAMER 
ASSOCIATE PRODUCER: BARBARA BLACHUT CRAMER

STORY EDITOR: KEVIN CURRAN
CASTING BY: TAMMARA BILLIK, C.S.A.
EXECUTIVE IN CHARGE OF CASTING: RICK JACOBS
"LOVE AND MARRIAGE" LYRICS BY SAMMY CAHN AND JIMMY VAN HEUSEN
                    PERFORMED BY FRANK SINATRA
MUSIC SUPERVISION: MICHAEL ANDREAS
PRODUCTION DESIGNER: DON ROBERTS
ART DIRECTOR: RICHARD IMPROTA
ASSOCIATE DIRECTOR: RICHARD STEIR
STAGE MANAGERS: RICHARD DRANEY, STEPHANIE SCOTT
PRODUCTION ASSOCATE: KITTY ROUKE
PRODUCTION COORDINATOR: SUSAN JANG
EDITED BY: LARRY HARRIS
TECHNICAL MANAGER: SAM W. ORENDER
DIRECTOR OF PHOTOGRAPHY: THOMAS W. MARKLE
AUDIO: J. MARK KING
RE-RECORDING: MARTI D. HUMPHREY, JOHN BICKLEHAUPT
COSTUMES: MARTI MASAMITSU
PROPERTY MASTER: MICHAEL SEMON
MAKE-UP: NINA KENT
HAIR STYLIST: DOTTIE McQUOWN
PRODUCTION SURPERVISED BY: FRAN MCCONNELL
PRODUCTION CONSULTANTS: DEBORAH CURTAN, EDUARDO CERVANTES
IN CHARGE OF PRODUCTION: ED LAMMI
COPYRIGHT (C) 1989
ELP COMMUNICATIONS
All rights reserved
COLUMBIA PICTURES TELEVISON
a SONY PICTURES ENTERTAINMENT production